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mikesh

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14.3.2020

Worksheet 1:
I play games because they give me control over the situation.
While playing I’m not insecure and I don´t have to feel the other feelings.

I want to quit playing games because I want to learn some healthier strategies how to cope with stress and my feelings.

Worksheet 2:
Right now I’m feeling insecure, angry, sad, hopeless and scared of what will come.

I wrote some lines about my gaming history here.
I´m feeling bad about that and that it´s not okey what I wrote there.

I´m feeling guilty and insecure but I guess this is ok.

I handled my alcohol problems.
I handled my weed problems.
I handled my cocaine problems.
So I will also be able to handle my gaming problems and find new strategies.

At the moment I sometimes watch streams or watch some youtube videos because I´m not gaming anymore.
But now I will cook something and working on another module.

I do this for myself. I only have one opportunity. This can be the first day of the rest of my life.
I can´t decide what happens to me or what happens around me. I can´t decide and control the experiences in my life. But I will give the best in controlling the aspects of my life that I can control. And I´m doing my best in learning how to cope with life experiences that are hard to experience.

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2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Welcome to the community. I wish you luck. You've got a great story. Why not add another chapter to it?

Thank you very much. Yes I´m ready to add another chapter. 
All the best for you, keep it up!

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18.3.2020

I´m feeling good right now. The weather is good and my feelings and emotions are also calm again.
I had a lot of troubles over the weekend, it was confusing.

I switched worlds in my head and sometimes didn´t know whats going on. I guess these were just emotions. I felt a lot of anger and had some fantasies to hurt people which blamed and hurt me in the past but I also felt that it is just a feeling and that I don´t want to do it. Maybe it´s just a reaction in my brain.

As in other countries, we are facing some restrictions due to the pandemic. Sometimes there is the thought, now it doesn´t matter if I play. I mean, I can play as much is I want now. Our government just wrote yesterday, that we should stay at home. And if we want to meet with other people we could play games or meet online, we just have to stay at home if we don´t have to work or have to buy food.

But then I thought, that this won´t be temporary. It won´t last a year or not even half a year I guess. And I won´t start playing games just because of that situation. I want to quit now.

I´m not sure if this also counts as gaming: But I´m studying and playing chess again. But it´s like 30 minutes a day. I like the thinking and strategies behind of the game.

I see the following thoughts showing up.

- it´s ok when you play games. You will die anyway. Better do something that makes you happy. Live in the moment. It doesn´t matter.
- gaming is just a hobby. It´s ok to have a hobby. You can play if you want.
- there are also games that help you develop. You can play games in order to stay sharp and to learn something.

and so on. But I had the exact same thoughts and feelings the last 10 times I tried to quit. Until now it was always the same mechanism. 
The thoughts were so convincing that I started to play again after some time.

What I´m trying to do now is the following:
I know that these thoughts will come. I know that I can´t control if they come or not. And I also know that I´m not completely free of the thoughts. And because of that I will be able to resist. I can resist. I´m not free of them and the longer I ignore it and I try to do something different the more pressure there is within me. 

So that means that these thoughts are pressuring me and they actually don´t give me freedom, they take it away. And they are always coming. They stop when I play again, but then I´m feeling shitty. 

But I recognised that several times and always started playing again. Lets just try to handle the pressure for 30minutes.
When the pressure comes I will resist 30minutes. If I could resist, I will resist another 30minutes. When I do this the whole day, then I succeed a lot.

I will see it as a challenge. And I imagine that it is hard for everyone and I know that some of you already did it. So it is possible.

30min per 30min.

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Day 17

From time to time there are thoughts about playing computer/video games again. 

I can handle it pretty good. I read a lot, made some puzzles which helped me to sort my thoughts and I'm able to think more in terms of "what can I give and what can I share" rather than "what can a game give me". 

I recognize a shift in my consuming behaviour. It is all slower and more peacfull.

I'm doing some jogging and body exercises at home which helps me to get rid of some thoughts which always cause tension.

Overall I feel that I'm doing pretty good. It helps me to tell me that it is normal that I sometimes think about playing again. My therapy also supports me a lot. 

I learned that it is ok that life sometimes doesn't feel like fun and pleasure. I can't just game all of these experiences away. 

I'm practicing to express what I feel. Even if it is a feeling that I think it isn't ok to be here. 

Seems that everything is ok how it is. 

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Reading your last post makes me want to buy some puzzles. I have love/hate relationship with them, I love to problem solve but I am incredibly impatient and get distracted easily. I think that this is one of the issues of today, as the technology progresses our brains are so overstimulated that it can be hard to focus and do activities which cannot reach this level of stimulation. Keep up the good work!

 

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