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Time to get real


Tomas
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Keep in mind that you are not journaling for anyone else. You are journaling primarily for yourself. About the other thing yes, not a lot of people are very active. Many people start and then quit. but you said it to yourself:

7 hours ago, Tomas said:

But maybe it does not really matter.

It doesn't. As long as you take care of yourself and collect positive power, which you can use for other things as well, that is good. If you feel that the forum is not vivid enough, change it. Keep posting in other journals, give likes and be encouraging. This is what I try to do. I think that giving is, what start the receiving process.

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10 hours ago, Tomas said:

For all the cash I spend on that game (it is ridiculous), the card knowledge I got, the fact I ALMOST got to Legend... Oh man... how much I wanted to get to legend, and after that quit the game... That game... is poison. Hearthstone is like a pack of cigarettes. I can't just play one game and the quit. I have to smoke the whole pack, and then buy some more. Can't I just play a few games each day? No, I can't... And I am not going to. Goodbye Hearthstone, you peace of beautiful sh*t. 

Constructed only ever was about getting above 50% W/R anyway, so it was just a time-grind. I much rather played Arena and I was infinite at it, though I quit HS almost 4 years ago.

@Alexanderle is right. You're doing this for yourself.

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Day 34

@Alexanderle Thanks. Yes you are right. I should be doing this for myself. Still it is nice to get some feedback from time to time. But like you said giving and encouraging others is key to participation. To be honest, another reason I questioned the "liveliness" on this forum is that I feel like I am entering a tipping point in this journey. I feel like not gaming is going to be easy from here on out. So I was thinking... maybe it is time to quit writing here as my journey continues. Actually this forum helped me a great deal. And I am thankful for that. Just by reading other's stories, and learning about their coping mechanisms. And to see that some of my problems are common among others, and that I am not alone in this... And of course by having a few interactions and messages from other members. So again thanks.

But then there are all those old underlying problems coming out to the surface... And do I want to write about that? Not really. Most of the time I am just tired of fighting this big battle in my brain. But... I guess, writing all this here on this forum, makes me more aware of what I am writing. What am I saying? What do I want to say to myself? I'd like to create a positive mindset. So it might be a good idea to continue writing, at least once or twice a week. And visit others in the process.

@Ikar exactly, that game is basically using well calculated "gambling" mechanisms to create slightly better chances for players who craft the winning decks and know how to play. Even though I knew about the mechanics, that game just drew me in every time.

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55 minutes ago, Tomas said:

But then there are all those old underlying problems coming out to the surface... And do I want to write about that? Not really. Most of the time I am just tired of fighting this big battle in my brain. But... I guess, writing all this here on this forum, makes me more aware of what I am writing. What am I saying? What do I want to say to myself? I'd like to create a positive mindset. So it might be a good idea to continue writing, at least once or twice a week. And visit others in the process.

If you feel that there is some old stuff resurfacing, write about it. I'm not writing this so I have more stuff to read, but I found out that writing helps me recognize patterns I am acting out, so I can be honest with myself and honest with others sooner than if I did not.

The GQ forum is by and large very tolerant and compassionate, so you don't have to be afraid of someone trying to pillory you for something you wrote. I personally like confronting people and their ideas, asking them why they think X and not Y and if Z would be better. On the other hand, I think spending an hour writing here or spending an hour talking to someone IRL is incomparable in the possible return of investment of doing such a thing.

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3 hours ago, Tomas said:

I feel like not gaming is going to be easy from here on out. So I was thinking... maybe it is time to quit writing here as my journey continues.

I was thinking the same thing numerous times. But first, the chance of total collapse and relapse is always possible, so I feel, an extra safety margin is nice to have. Second, I like to use my journal now as a collection of my own thoughts and ideas for other areas of my life. And I also like to help others throughout their journey. I don't know why, it just feels good to give.

 

But yeah, in general, I understand your mindset.

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Day 41

Thanks @Alexanderle and @Ikar. I really appreciate you took the time to respond. The things you are saying make good sense to me. I decided to stick to the forums at least for the detox period of 90 days. 

Actually I think it might be a smart idea to extend the 90 day detox with maybe 2 or 3 more months. Because it feels a bit like I am cheating. One of the reasons my detox goes so well for sure is the fact I am traveling. In one month I will be back home. And then there are just a few weeks of detox left. Back at home, the grind of my daily life will make it much easier to fall for addictive behavior. While traveling, I have lots of nice activities. We have been snorkeling, diving, going out for diner and listen to music. 

My mind is very calm lately. Thoughts and emotions come and go. Every time I worry I realize that my mind is trying to solve future problems in order to enjoy or be comfortable here and now. That makes worrying in itself a very simple reminder to actually be here and now. I take good care of myself, I am eating healthy and doing some exercise. 

It would be so nice to maintain this mindset, even when I go back home and when I am busy working. Because, this is what life is supposed to be like right? To be calm, relaxed, and happy. At one hand I try to come up with strategies to stay calm and happy in the future. At the other hand I know that both ends of the sword are a part of the game (don't know if that is a legit saying but whatever).

I will decide later if I am extending my detox. I think it is a really smart thing to do. There is just one reason I would want to be playing games when I come back from travelling. And that is to play New Super Mario Brothers with my 8 year old nephew. Maybe I can make an exception just for that... 

Right now, I am just going to enjoy my time traveling as much as I can. In one month I will be back, and time seems to fly. So good luck to everyone, and see you soon 😉

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  • 3 weeks later...

Day 63

Incredible, everything that happened lately. Just crazy. I was still traveling. My girlfriend and I got to the point were we were splitting up for month so that we could have some time by ourselves. My plan was to go to Sri Lanka, meet up with a group of friends for a planned holiday. My girlfriend stayed to plan some dive courses and meet up with a friend as well. 5 days in to my holiday in Sri Lanka and the Covid-19 situation got pretty much out of hand. Long story short, we rushed to the airport and got a flight back home asap. My travels were cut 3 weeks short. And back in the Netherlands me and my girlfriend were reunited. 

And now it is quarantine time. And what seems the best way to sit trough weeks of staying at home, with nothing to do, not going out, hardly any business, and days and days to spend??? Actually I am really really happy I started this no gaming adventure. I am very sure I would have been playing tons of games right now. But a promise is a promise. And not gaming has been very beneficial. I now have time to play lots of guitar. 

I guess some of you guys will be having a hard time right now during the Corona lock down. It seems like the perfect excuse to be playing games. Except that it is not 😉 Good luck to everyone out here. 

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  • 4 weeks later...

Day 90

I did it! Phew... 90 days with no games.

So what did I gain from this experience?

  1. I got time... I now have much more time to spend on hobby's, sports, cooking and so on.
  2. Lately I also spend time to do nothing in particular and just be... taking it easy. Living in the moment and trying to be more aware of every moment. 
  3. I feel like I am more at ease and less confused. My mind is more able to process everything that happens during the day.
  4. I feel less "overwhelmed by life". Negative emotions and feelings pass by a bit more quickly. I am able to stop overthinking things a bit better.
  5. I have moments where I am actually proud of myself.
  6. I realize I need patience. I am in the process of constant self development and healing. It takes time. And that's okay. I need patience to keep making the right decisions, and when I f*ck up... I need to forgive myself and continue. 

Now that I quit gaming for 90 days, I know that it is going to have a lot less influence on my life like it did before. Probably I will go back to it at a certain point. At least for a while and to play certain single player games that I would love to experience. I do realize it is a slippery slope that could drive me back in to addiction. So in order to control myself I have to come up with some rules. Also, I will take a look at Cam's video's about moderate gaming. 

Rules from now on:

I will never play Hearthstone ever again. 

I will never play games on my own. 

Playing games will be a "real" social activity.

---------

I am trying to think of more rules. But the above things actually rule out every situation where I would misbehave and procrastinate. Me and my girlfriend play single player campaigns sometimes with games like Zelda and Farcry. We were spending approximately one weekend each month doing this. Next to that I sometimes play multiplayer console games with friends. It has been playing games on my own and alone that set me up for addictive behavior. 

With that being said. I decide to not play games for at least another month or so. I like where I am now. And I feel like I am not ready for moderate gaming just yet. I need to think this trough and be very aware and self assured before I make the decision to touch any game again.

I will post my thoughts and be back here. Good luck to you all.

 

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