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Avnat Netzer

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@Ikar yeah I love all that stuff! Paradox has real talent except for one of their most recent titles, Imperator. I was actually hyped for it's release until I watched reviews that said how bad it was.

And no I haven't really addressed the issue with her and I'm afraid to talk about it with her. Planning our wedding is already so stressful and I don't want to make her anxious about me and having a relapse. But as far as she knows gaming is just another nerdy thing I do. She's not aware of how harmful gaming has been for me and my attempts to manage it.

Plenty of our other friends who are married have spouses that game. I don't really know if they have a gaming problem per se, or if they had to kind of negotiate how gaming is actually handled within the relationship.

I know that if I ever tried to tell her I need "3 or 4 hours a night" where I completely ignore her and just sit in front of my computer pushing soldiers around the screen, it's not something she would really understand. And she would consider it something that's not entirely healthy... rightfully so.

I do spend a lot of time watching videos on YouTube and stuff and that's something I think is more recognizable to her. She might get annoyed at me if she feels like we're not spending any time together. Truth is I do actually need time alone to be quiet and dig into some kind of craft whether it's programming or drawing.
She's more of an extrovert and I'm an introvert so there's tension there.

I feel like I need to understand my own abuse of gaming before I try explaining it to her.

Edited by Avnat Netzer

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2019-11-25: day 25
90 day detox: | ######~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | 27.8% Complete

Today:

  • went to sleep ~5.30am (😱)
    • read lord of the rings
  • woke up ~9.00am
    • brush teeth
  • Worked from home

Activities:

  • more wedding planning

So I didn't fall asleep until extremely late. Like around 5.30 in the morning which, since it's almost winter, is still not early enough for the sun to start coming out, but it's really late. I was up watching the entire first season of a show on netflix. I'm very familiar with this kind of behavior by now. I don't feel as bad because I was able to fall asleep pretty quickly at that point. Usually if I have gamed that far past the night and into early morning it would be actual hell for me to fall asleep. My mind would be swirling with images from my session and hatching plans for my next moves against a computer that couldn't care less if I win or lose. It would be a miracle I even tried to rip my eyes from the screen and attempt to sleep at all.
I guess netflix is much the same but gaming is a lot stickier for me.
I think one of the more harmful things my abuse of gaming did was take sleep away from me.

I managed to catch a few hours sleep and I worked from home today. The work day was light and it's a short week this week so not much pressure at work for the moment.

I did spend a good portion of my day trying to refill a prescription for my asthma. My primary doctor decided to go on vacation and it was impossible to reach him. Eventually got the prescription sent to a nearby pharmacy and spent 40 minutes on line. By the time I was home my fiance was annoyed because we were supposed to be calling vendors and price matching them and we had lost an hour and a half. No time to cook so we ordered chinese and got to work.

We managed to get a bunch of stuff done and the rest of the night went well. Chinese place forgot to give us fortune cookies though. At the end we stopped, watched a movie, and my fiance put her head on my lap and dozed off.

Overall the night was nice but I worked on basically none of my goals because I went to bed late and spent the better part of my day ruining my doctor's vacation.

Tomorrow will be better:

Tomorrow:

  • wake up 7.00am
    • breakfast, tea
    • Scala
  • Go to work 8.30am
  • go to sleep by 12.30am
    • read Lord of the Rings before bed

Activities:

  • pray
  • breakfast, tea
  • typing
  • scala
  • side project, video game
  • draw something
Edited by Avnat Netzer

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2 hours ago, Avnat Netzer said:

@Ikar yeah I love all that stuff! Paradox has real talent except for one of their most recent titles, Imperator. I was actually hyped for it's release until I watched reviews that said how bad it was.

And no I haven't really addressed the issue with her and I'm afraid to talk about it with her. Planning our wedding is already so stressful and I don't want to make her anxious about me and having a relapse. But as far as she knows gaming is just another nerdy thing I do. She's not aware of how harmful gaming has been for me and my attempts to manage it.

Plenty of our other friends who are married have spouses that game. I don't really know if they have a gaming problem per se, or if they had to kind of negotiate how gaming is actually handled within the relationship.

I know that if I ever tried to tell her I need "3 or 4 hours a night" where I completely ignore her and just sit in front of my computer pushing soldiers around the screen, it's not something she would really understand. And she would consider it something that's not entirely healthy... rightfully so.

I do spend a lot of time watching videos on YouTube and stuff and that's something I think is more recognizable to her. She might get annoyed at me if she feels like we're not spending any time together. Truth is I do actually need time alone to be quiet and dig into some kind of craft whether it's programming or drawing.
She's more of an extrovert and I'm an introvert so there's tension there.

I feel like I need to understand my own abuse of gaming before I try explaining it to her.

What I am thinking of is that gaming is an addiction as any else.

Imagine that instead of a gaming problem, you'd have an alcohol problem, downing three beers each night. I think she would notice more easily you are not drinking anymore compared to quitting games. I observed a lot of the standing GQ members and the result of quitting games is a lot more than having X more hours to do other things.

The main thing is that you also notice how your gaming lifestyle got you involved with similarly oriented people. If you are able to spend a couple of hours a day hopelessly sucked into something, people who associate with you will likely have some skeletons in their closet as well.

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@Ikar yeah I don't know what affect quitting games is having on my life right now.

Quote

I observed a lot of the standing GQ members and the result of quitting games is a lot more than having X more hours to do other things

Yeah I've gotten sort of the same feeling from creeping around other people's journals. I'm not sure I see the same change for myself since I'm always so busy with planning this wedding I never have the kind of down time I used to.
Though during school I actually had no realistic amount of free time and yet played hours of civilization anyway. I think there I was suffering so much more from the fear of failing and not being as smart as some of my classmates. When it comes to wedding planning there isn't that same fear and inadequacy and there's a second person sharing the burden of it. We do compliment each other in certain ways. I've handled price comparisons and compiling everything into spreadsheets (so many spreadsheets) and she's handled a lot of the calls and follow up emails.
Once we got engaged I changed up my gaming schedule to be later and later and night until sometimes I would play the entire night and have to pretend like I wasn't as tired as I actually was. A few weeks ago, when she went away for several days, that's when I was pulling 12-16hr game sessions and it scared me.
I'm afraid of what happens when we're married and I end up playing again and I'm craving another 12 hour sessions. Another Sunday burnt at my computer and we have kids that need to be taken care of.
I think that's the real reason I'm here, on this forum, hoping to change myself. Of course I want to be more "successful" and actually grow as a person but I'm also quitting games because of my fiance and the possible damage games could do to my future.

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2019-11-26: day 26
90 day detox: | ######~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | 28.9% Complete

Today:

  • went to sleep ~1.45am
    • read lord of the rings
  • woke up ~7.45am
    • brush teeth
  • went to work ~8.30am

Activities:

  • prayed
  • brush teeth + flossed
  • wedding planning
    • called a couple musicians and photographer
  • typing

Went to sleep late again and woke up late. Last night I watched more netflix.
No breakfast or tea but I picked up a bagel before work so I'm not absolutely starving by lunch time.

Work was actually really nice. I felt calm and like I was making progress on my project. I reached out to a number of people when I needed help and was able to help someone else in my office with their development environment.
Also since it's a holiday weekend coming up there are a lot less people around so it's quieter which I think is less stressful for me. I don't like working from home which is super lonely but I also don't like it when the office is full of people. I don't really know why.

Once again no time for Scala or my side project though I did spend some time today writing notes on what I hope to create for the game. It's funny because I want to make something that I want to play and yet that's exactly the kind of thing I'm trying to avoid right now. I was imagining the pieces moving around the screen and how the gameplay might feel.
I don't know if what I end up making is good or bad (I have experience playing games not designing them) but I know that right now I just need to make something that I can be proud of.

Tonight my fiance and I went shopping for ourselves and the wedding. Prices for things are pretty good now. We both enjoyed it. Afterwards we came home and called a bunch of vendors. We managed to get one of them to come close to our budget which is really exciting. We also scheduled some appointments.
There are some days where things feel like they're actually coming together.

Tomorrow is an early day because of the holiday weekend so it's kind of like a Friday except traffic will be even worse:

Tomorrow:

  • wake up 6.30am
    • breakfast, tea
    • Scala
  • Go to work 8.00am
  • go to sleep by 12.30am
    • read Lord of the Rings before bed

Activities:

  • pray
  • breakfast, tea
  • typing
  • scala
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3 hours ago, Avnat Netzer said:

@Ikar yeah I don't know what affect quitting games is having on my life right now.

Yeah I've gotten sort of the same feeling from creeping around other people's journals. I'm not sure I see the same change for myself since I'm always so busy with planning this wedding I never have the kind of down time I used to.
Though during school I actually had no realistic amount of free time and yet played hours of civilization anyway. I think there I was suffering so much more from the fear of failing and not being as smart as some of my classmates. When it comes to wedding planning there isn't that same fear and inadequacy and there's a second person sharing the burden of it. We do compliment each other in certain ways. I've handled price comparisons and compiling everything into spreadsheets (so many spreadsheets) and she's handled a lot of the calls and follow up emails.
Once we got engaged I changed up my gaming schedule to be later and later and night until sometimes I would play the entire night and have to pretend like I wasn't as tired as I actually was. A few weeks ago, when she went away for several days, that's when I was pulling 12-16hr game sessions and it scared me.
I'm afraid of what happens when we're married and I end up playing again and I'm craving another 12 hour sessions. Another Sunday burnt at my computer and we have kids that need to be taken care of.
I think that's the real reason I'm here, on this forum, hoping to change myself. Of course I want to be more "successful" and actually grow as a person but I'm also quitting games because of my fiance and the possible damage games could do to my future.

Sure enough, I also had several weeks without games when I was addicted, because I went to holidays, summer camps etc. Even if I was unskilled socially, I didn't even mind the rejections made by others (if I even noticed them), because I think I was always less of the anxious type and more of the socially-unaware type. It's a good thing the wedding planning keeps you busy, but it's gonna be over one day and you'll have to do something else.

I think your reasons to be here are reasonable. I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact you wouldn't share with her the fact that you are trying to improve your life, by removing some of your dysfunctional behaviors (based off of guilt/anxiety) and rather share it anonymously on GQ.

I'll try to analogize it to my situation as a single male. I think in my case would it mean that I would feel guilt (for considering a woman I'd like to approach physically/sexually attractive) and anxiety (making excuses to not approach her - i.e. she looks too good to not be a slut, she'll embarrass me in front of everyone/I'll look like a dumb-ass if she rejects me). Confidence helps me get through that and it's one of the things I think women love.

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19 hours ago, Ikar said:

It's a good thing the wedding planning keeps you busy, but it's gonna be over one day and you'll have to do something else

What you say is so true. I'm safe for the time being.

19 hours ago, Ikar said:

I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact you wouldn't share with her the fact that you are trying to improve your life

Yeah I get that. For several reasons it's hard for me to be open about it with her:

  1. I feel guilty for being this way
  2. I'm afraid of raising her alarm bells
  3. I still hope to play games again one day

regarding #2: we're getting married and I'm just trying to make it to that finish line in one piece. We're both stressed out about it and I'm afraid if I tell her about my struggle with gaming she'll start to freak out. She'll start wondering if and when I might have a relapse and she'll start thinking of the future and how we're going to manage.

regarding #3: she might never want me to play games again out of fear that it might cause a relapse and I kind of still want that option. It might be that I decide I should never touch a video game ever again but I'm not sure yet. I still feel bound enough to my steam account that I can hardly think of deleting it.

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2019-12-03: day 33
90 day detox: | ########~~~~~~~~~~~ | 36.7% Complete

Today:

  • went to sleep ~12.30am
    • read lord of the rings
  • woke up ~8.05am
    • breakfast + tea, brush teeth, make bed
  • went to lecture ~10.00am

Activities:

  • prayed
  • brush teeth
  • attended lecture

 

Ok so a lot of days have passed but nothing major has happened.
We just made it through thanksgiving weekend where I spent basically the entire time with my fiance's family. Usually that's pretty rough for me. I'm an introvert and they're all still essentially strangers for me. I get uncomfortable and it's hard for me to carry a conversation. In the past I've tried talking about some of my struggles with spending time with her family but my fiance has gotten defensive about it I think because of the way the conversation gets framed for her it probably sounds like I don't like her family. Which is not the case. They're nice and I do have a nice time with them. It's just exhausting for me to try and be up beat and friendly all the time and I still feel like I'm at this stage with them where I need to make a good impression with her family in order for them to be happy with us getting married.
For her it's easy because she gets along so well so quickly with people and my family loved her almost immediately.

But this time I was actually able to enjoy myself and felt relaxed most of the time. I'm getting used to them and I think my animal brain is slowly learning that none of them are out to kill me.
Kind of absurd but I'm pretty sure my subconscious is convinced all new people I meet are homicidal maniacs.

After we got back I prepared for my business trip. I left on Monday morning and am spending the week at a tech conference. It's big, expensive, and overwhelming but I'm really here to spend time with my teammates and get to know them. Past couple of night we hung out over drinks and chatted. It was nice and a good change of pace to be able to relax with them outside of work. They pretty much work in an entirely different state then me so we don't get to talk other than short conversations through instant messaging and conference calls.

The conference is hectic but I'm having fun 👍

I wanted to work on more Scala or side project (game) this week but there's been no time and whenever I've gotten back to my hotel room I've just watched netflix before falling asleep.
Netflix and youtube continue to be my gaming substitutes.

My plan for tomorrow:

Tomorrow:

  • wake up 8.00am
    • breakfast + tea, brush teeth, make bed
    • Scala
  • Go to first lecture ~10.30am
  • go to sleep by 12.30am
    • read Lord of the Rings before bed

Activities:

  • pray
  • breakfast, tea
  • scala
  • conference stuff

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2019-12-03: day 34
90 day detox: | ########~~~~~~~~~~~ | 37.8% Complete

Today:

  • went to sleep ~2.00am 😅
    • read lord of the rings
  • woke up ~7.40am
    • breakfast + tea, brush teeth, make bed
  • went to lecture ~1.45pm

Activities:

  • prayed
  • brush teeth
  • breakfast + tea
  • clean up
  • attended lecture

Tomorrow is my last day at this conference. It's tough getting into any of the sessions since there are so many people and not enough seats. It then becomes a scramble to try and make it to an alternate one if I miss my "ideal" talk.

I walked around the expo room and built up the courage to talk to vendors. The experience was uncomfortable for me since the vendors are trying to sell me something and ask questions that kind of hint in that direction if I'm actually interested in buying. My agreeableness kind of kicks and I feel so guilty saying no as if I was tricking them in the first place. I did manage to talk to a couple other engineers at the conference. One who was a engineering manager. I could kind of sense the difference in confidence even before he told me his job title. It made me wonder if I'm ever going to get "there".

Last night I went to sleep late watching netflix. I read lord of the rings to try and help me fall asleep. I'm in the last book now. The whole trilogy combined is even smaller than a single harry potter book. It's amazing Tolkein could fit so much of his world into these books.
Tonight again I watched more stuff on netflix. It continue to be my replacement for gaming along with surfing the web. For now I'm ok with that. My goal is to make it to past the 90 day mark without gaming.

Tonight is another kind of late night because I watched a movie with my teammates and am now working my way down from that energy level to be ready to sleep. I took a shower, put on ambient music, and cleaned my room a bit. Want to leave everything nice before I check out tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the last day at this conference, let's make it count!

Tomorrow:

  • wake up 8.00am
    • breakfast + tea, brush teeth, make bed
    • Scala
  • Go to first lecture ~10.30am
  • go to sleep by 1.45am
    • read Lord of the Rings before bed

Activities:

  • pray
  • brush teeth
  • breakfast, tea
  • clean up
  • scala
  • conference stuff

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