A new journal for a new life

[FenderUser]

Hello everyone, I decided to start a journal to commemorate this new path I have chosen and also, I wish to see the progress I will make in all it's multiple forms so here I go, day 1! 

 

Day 1 

Today, I did the following:

-I started Respawn, did module 1, still need to do the worksheet but I will do so once my father print the paper. 

-I am also addicted to Internet so I gathered some informations on various websites, am starting to purge distractions from my life. Be it politics, Hollywood or those mindless searches, it has to go, it is not benifiting me personally and is a YUGE time-sink! I deleted all my favorites. 

-I am also also addicted to pornography so I picked some numbers I will call tomorrow to see if I could get treated somewhere for this addiction. It is by FAR the worst of the three with gaming being the third so I will need real-life help. I deleted all my porn favorites, am planning to block all porn websites. 

-I almost started a 28 days therapy for my various addictions but the $4860 cost stopped me in my track, unfortunate because it really gave me the feeling it could be a life-changing opportunity! 

-I'm going to spend some time with my father and also I'll be seeing my mother for the first time in 2 months, slowly but surely I'm getting out of my isolation which is only positive. 

And that is all for now, see you tomorrow! 

[FenderUser]

Day 2 

I did so much today, oh my god, I cannot believe it! :') 

-I did module 2, 3, 4 and 5 of Respawn including all the worksheets. This did me a lot of good and now that my life is much more organised and I manage my time better, I can see a path for progress going forward with this process. I bought a whiteboard as suggested in module 5? and am constantly writing things on it, making my choices better, working on improving my life. This is like a drawing table and I'm drawing the new life I've been dreaming about for years and years. 

-I picked new hobbies, restarted drawing and reading, spent 8 hours outside of my home, that did me a ton of good!

-I went shopping for all the supplies for drawing, bought other things that I believe will improve different spheres of my life, little things for a better hygiene, looking better. 

-I went to the movie theater and saw a movie called ''Celle que vous croyez'', it was in french as I'm french (bilingual) and it was amazing! Trailer is here: 

It made me smile that slowly but surely, I am losing interest in pornography and starting to notice real girls more. Being close to the age of the main character's love interest (Alex), I kept thinking that I wish I had a such good-looking women loving and wanting me as much as Claire. LOL It is refreshing because before it would not have been the case, pornstars furfilled all my needs (just as video games were) but this is not enough anymore. I want the real thing but more importantly I believe, I'm starting to want love and intimacy more than sex. Human touch. I used to see women as sex objects AND I HATED IT SO MUCH, I felt pitiful, very remorseful because of that but it is fading and I could not be happier. Having not dated in 18 years, I really, Really, REALLY miss and lack love so when I feel ready and am further in my respawn process, I wish to find a women that will want me as much as Claire in that movie. It IS a movie, I realise that but there are lovey-dovey women just like me that miss and lack love. Together, we will recharge our batteries. Hahahaha. 

- I played a ton of bass, spoke with my father a lot, made plans to repay my student debts faster, changed my work schedule and possibly more I forgot. 

Overall, it was a very satisfying day.

However, I had some outbursts of anger with mundane details such as dropping my fork on the floor and pain in one foot. It happens but clearly, I am physically and psychologically affected by quitting all those addictions that I had. Lots of tremors in my hands, feeling uneasy, I think I had two panic attacks (or was that just anxiety? I'm not sure…) and this sounds very negative lol but I see it in a good way. That means I am recovering, my body and my mind are detoxifying and I must continue on that path I have chosen. The side effects might increase in the coming days or they might decrease, we shall see!

See you tomorrow!  

[FenderUser]

Day 3 

Allô! LOL With my french. I have this co-worker, his name is Dan and whenever he says that (it literally means ''hi''), he says it in such a funny way, it puts a huge smile on my face. loll 

You'll have to excuse me if I didn't post last night, I was so tired and felt asleep after that hockey game, Montreal vs Detroit, original six. I was happy to see this morning that my Patriots won, Tom Brady had another incredible night and the Astros won too. As you can see, I eat and live sports! ? It makes me feel so alive, I would play hockey and football, if not for fragile legs. I had injuries in the past and I gotta be careful. Work is fine but I must be aware of what I do, not do random things with my legs otherwise it will hurt. I wear plantar orthotics, I have this condition where without them, I walk with too much pronation and it can leads to injuries, I suppose it contributed to possible depressions and my addictions. When you have chronic pain as I am (didn't eat dairy products for years and possibly have osteoporosis/and or arthritis), it makes everything tougher! And we can get those at 30, I thought wrong when I thought that only old people have arthritis, teenagers can have them. 

And I'm having these little rashes, ever since I quit gaming. It is slightly annoying but if that's my body detoxifying, I say ''Go for it, turn me into a tomato!''. LOL Get all that bad out of my body, OUT! 

Here are my accomplishments for yesterday now: 

- I went back to the gym, WOO-HOO! I trained, I did cardio, I used the massage chair (that is FREE! at my gym), talked with people, I felt so good and so alive. I noticed that I still have that old habit of oogling girls in leggings. I absolutely hate and it disgusts me that I act this way and even if I heard a lot of guys do it, I don't like it and I don't want excuses in my new life! It is sure that still being virgin at 30, I suppose it is ''normal'' that whenever I see someone of the opposite sex in sexy wears, I will feel attracted but I feel like an animal (that we are lol) and I don't like it. I will try focusing on their beautiful faces more. And hair, I really like girl's hair. 

- I went to a music instrument's store and bought a Fender Rumble 25 bass amp, FINALLY! After months (or was it years?), I went to the next level and am getting serious about learning how to play bass. I stopped doing random things and am focusing on learning the instrument correctly! I really like that ever since I quit gaming and started this process, I am doing all the projects I put on hold for so long. Really show you that something is working, somehow. 

- I talked to my mother on the phone, for 14 minutes. I am slowly but surely getting out of my isolation. 

- I did module 6 of Respawn, it is all really starting to take shape. I was working 16 hours a week lately because I would not admit it but I wanted to spend as little time working and as much time playing WoW. 16 hours a week allow me to live decently but I cannot repay my student debts at all. And the interests are building up. And I still preferred this to playing less World of Warcraft. Now that is addiction, when it affects your life negatively, poor decision making. Starting tonight, I will get back to 40 hours and will repay all of my debts in 7-9 months. It really motivates me as in Canada we're about to start this very long 6-7 months winter season but when it ends next year, in 2020, I will be debt-free and then I will be FREE to try and start dating again!! Just typing that, I feel so much emotions in me, like I want to cuddle with a girl and kiss her over and over again. It is good to feel that way, I'm starting to get synched back with my feelings. ? 

- I slept a lot and frankly, I still feel sleepy. Detox must do that, all the bad is coming out and it tires you. I will go lie down for a few minutes and relax some more. 

Have a great day, talk to you tomorrow! 

*edit* 

I have been listing to electronic music again too. Here is a wonderful video, helps with anxiety and stress. 

 

 

Edited October 11, 2019 by FenderUser

[FenderUser]

Day 4 ( I work the night shift so when I wake up, it will be 9 PM and the day will be almost done)

Today I had a wonderful day. I did find I have more skin rashes but it does not bother me as much, anymore. It means the bad is coming out which is great! I am regaining control over myself and am having less panic attacks/feeling anxious. Here is what I did during the course of a few hours: 

- I did module 7 of Respawn, only module 8 remains now. I am so motivated, I will see to it's end and much beyond! What do I expect after Respawn? I have no freaking idea! Haha. A better life, I guess. And this is all so exciting! I would do module 8 in a heartbeat but I must go to sleep, I work tonight. 

- I went to Costco and bought all sort of delicious, healthy foods for me. I have a nutritionist and an amazing diet so even if the local Costco is a 2 hours bus ride, it is worth the price as better food quality = better life quality. It really made a difference, eating biological food when it is not too costly and overall, Costco's food quality is unmatched where I live. 

- I read a lot, 2 comics I used to read during high school but never finished. It is called ''Lanfeust de Troy'', it was extremely popular in France during the 1990s. https://www.bedetheque.com/serie-6-BD-Lanfeust-de-Troy.html I read volume 3 and 4, out of 8. 

- I played a ton of bass and tried my new amp. I must remember to buy headphones as sound is really loud, it's a powerful amp so I have to think of the neighbours… lol 

I felt really sore from restarting gym after so long but it is good, it means I hit my muscles right, I hit them hard and I will see results! I will bulk up, maybe gain a little muscle, maybe gain some abs, I'll see. 

That's it for day 4, have a good afternoon and good night! 

 

[liam]

Hey Fender - how's your weekend been buddy? I hope you're doing well!

[FenderUser]

On 10/13/2019 at 12:19 PM, liam said:

Hey Fender - how's your weekend been buddy? I hope you're doing well!

Hey liam, it could have been better. lol I relapsed and played WoW like a lunatic for 2 weeks. ? But I am back on the right track and will update this journal tomorrow morning, I must leave for work.

Good night to you!

[FenderUser]

Day 1.2 : 

Hi! I have fallen back to my old habits of gaming this last month but I'm back and hopefully, this time will be the last and the good one. ? 

Today, I have returned to the gym for the first time in weeks, did cardio for the longest in over a year and went shopping. I bought hair ties for my job, a new shampoo and some nuts to put in my cereals. I have also restarted my nutritionist's diet for 2 days and I already feel much better. When you eat healthy food, you just know it. You can feel the health inside of you, it's undescriptible!

I'm about to delete my games again and this time, I will also delete my Steam account. I'm contemplating selling my gaming PC altogether, I want to stop gaming, right? And all the other things I can do with my Chromebook that can't game so theorically, that sounds like a perfect idea! No more ways to game since I won't buy another gaming PC or gaming console, I get a few hundreads that go towards repaying my student debt, I can focus on bass playing for a while and the other hobbies that I just started, amongst them : drawing!

That's all for today, talk to you tomorrow. 

 

[FenderUser]

32 minutes ago, ismailkanaan said:

Glad to see you back man ! I apologize to you on beehalf of the rest of the members , we could have helped you more so u dont relapse .

anyway u have to count your comebacks not your falls or relapses .

 

Thanks! Perhaps but it's also to blame because I'm the one who relapsed and don't feel too responsible for my relapse because you all couldn't really have known it unless you stalked me with a camera 24/7. LOL  But thanks again for caring and the support, I truly appreciate it. It means a lot! ?

That's right! You got it.