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Starting Over

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Day 14, 15, 16 - 10/16/2019

(Total days w/o gaming: 13;  streak 3 days)

Day 16 complete.

Last three days went by pretty quick. Just had to grind out a ton of school work after getting off work each day. I've got plans I'm real excited for the next 5 days, so I probably wont be posting much or at all.

Not much to say. I'm feeling real good. Eating slightly healthier, still haven't gone back to the gym though.

I feel like I'm really close to making a big breakthrough. I'm balancing my life a lot better through time management, sleeping more at consistent times, decreasing screen time, socializing more, starting to skateboard and WANT to skateboard again.

That alone is really important to me. I haven't had a hobby that I've actively wanted to do in a long time. Picking up skateboarding was definitely a necessity for me and I can't turn back on it again. Because I have something I'm feeling some passion about want to go out of my way to do, I'm almost automatically managing my time better so I can find room in my day to skateboard.

The next big goals are to start reading for pleasure more, start exercising again frequently (thankfully skateboarding handles this a bit, but I need to do more), and diet a bit better. I need to get around to this.

Anyways I'm feeling pretty good, but I can do better.

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Day 17-26 10/26/2019

(Total days w/o gaming: 17; streak 0 days)

The last 9-10 days have been a roller coster. Basically, up till day 21, which was 10/21/2019, I was doing great! So that's three weeks of progress. I was on-top of my work, exercising, socializing, eating right, spending a lot less time on my computer, had a couple of tiny relapses just with binge watching gaming content, but when that was the case it was for very short amounts of time and felt very much under control. Like I said in my last post, I had some awesome stuff happen last week, and it was probably the best 5 days I've lived in a years. Some personally great thing happened that made me feel on-top of the world. All that came crashing down on the 21st and I fell into a deep depression. I don't want to talk about the specifics since it's personal, but it affected my mental state deeply. Nothing terrible happened, but just something personal that I don't want to share in this forum.

Well, it caused me to fall into a deep depression and I've just been in bed all day during the hours I didn't have to go to work, and I even cut some classes. I was literally in bed Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday night for 12+ hours a day just because I couldn't get the energy to get up or the motivation to do anything. I was totally mentally defeated. I skipped all my classes on Thursday, but went to my therapy session, which helped a lot! I felt 10x better after talking with my therapist, but it didn't get me back to where I needed. It's taken me till now to say I'll put down the gaming videos and streams so I can get back to a healthy life. Every time I relapse like this, its even more of a reminder that I just can't balance my life with gaming. At some point during my detox, maybe like a month in I somehow convince myself that I can probably go back to gaming and live a balanced life. Absolutely not and every relapse is undeniable proof of that. I do nothing with my life when I'm gaming.

One thing I've learned, or at-least learned is a bigger deal than I used to think it was, is how I need to be ok with set backs. I've said this in previous posts, but I'm a very momentum driven person. I feel like I'm always operating at extremes. Between day 1-21 before falling into a huge rut, I was managing all my time, making sure I was optimizing almost all aspect of my life, and was operating what felt near 90-100%. The moment I fell into my rut, a couple of thing went south in my life and I let myself go from that 90% level of operation to basically 0%-5%. I always let even the smaller thing in my life drag down every aspect of my life. I've reminded myself how terribly bad this is for me since of course I can't always operate between 90-100%. I will eventually burn out. But it just seems like every time everything isn't going as how I planned, nothing feels like it can go as planned. I can't let this be the case or I'll never be able to improve myself. I need to be ok with operating between 50-70%, and when bad things happen I need to be ok with operating at a lower rate than that, and not feel like I need to start from square one again.

That being said, I don't know how everyone else feels, but I have my first and only piece of criticism of the way the detox in GQ works. I know the goal is supposed to be to get a 90 day gaming free streak, but I just haven't been able to do it since I started trying in June (or July??? can't remember when I began). I've relapsed, and since I need to do a, "reset" each time I relapse, it makes me feel like I'm starting back at square one. I don't know if this is just me and my mentality, but that the mind set I feel like it reinforces.

I've realized my goal isn't to, "reset" or, "start over" every time I have a relapse, since I will have many more to come. I think the most important thing for me personally is when I do relapse, not to let it bring me down to such lows each time so I can get back on my feet quicker and start again where I left off. I've been feeling like these relapses drag me back down from a high place down to zero, but I can't keep feeling that way. I need to learn to pick myself up even when times are bad and minimize the effects of depressive episodes or stressful times in my life. I keep letting them disrupting the flow of my life and that's the worst thing I can let happen to me.

That being said, the last depressive episode I had was about 2 months ago and it lasted for about 3 weeks. This time around, its been 6 days and I'm kindof back on my feet. I'm still feeling pretty depressed and not ready to put down the gaming content, but I know the sooner I put it down the faster it means I'll get back to where I was in my journey. I'm just rambling now.

Let me know if any of yall feel this way at all or understand what I'm saying haha.

Tldr; I had a great 3 weeks, fell into a rut for the last week and binge watched a lot of gaming content. I'm back at it, but still feel a little bummed. I think it's more important to prioritize recovering from slumps quicker rather than maintaining longer streaks of productivity.

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Day 0 - 10/27/2019

Never mind. I've fallen into way too big of a slump to allow myself to continue the day counter. I want to do this right. Back to day 0, resetting my counter, but I'm going to try to pick up where I left off in terms of productivity and activity. My mentality is weak at the moment and I still feel quite depressed, but I'll try to figure something out.

I've got a long and important week ahead of me and I really need to pick myself up if I want to get through it. I'm going to try my best, but my head really isn't in the right place.

Mannn, it might sound strange, but I'm literally tired of being depressed. I fall into these slumps so much and usually when I'm depressed, I'm just depressed. But right now it this mixture between depression from feeling that way and recognizing this pattern I feel like I can't escape and just feeling disgusted with myself, which makes me upset.

I watched a Jim Jeffries stand-up special the other day where he talked about how he was depressed through his 20's and 30's... Now that I've recognized and acknowledged my depression problems, I really want to work on it and fix it. I've began seeing a therapist and I think it's helping, but I just want this to go away faster. I guess it's not going to go away instantly or perhaps even ever, but I need to do more to work on my mental health. I don't know... Just feeling lost with answers at the moment. I'm just going to continue to do this journal and do what I know is right for me and hope I stick to it. I don't really know what else I'm supposed to do.

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Alight... Day 0 - 11/3/2019

I need to relabel my addiction. Its really an internet addiction more than a gaming addiction. Even when I successfully cut gaming out of my life, I still spend a tremendous amount of time browsing the internet for other things. I got a locker at my university about a month ago and left my locker in there for about 5 days, and those were the most well spent 5 days I had in a very long time.

My new goal is just one. Leave my laptop in my locker after work or class. NEVER bring my laptop home. I do not have a desktop.

I want to live by that one goal and see how things change. I'm not gonna promise anything else to myself other than that. Lets see how this goes. I'll try to post as much as possible, but it most likely will not be daily.

Here it goes again. Lets see how my detox goes this time around.

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Gonna take a break from GQ for a while. It's done a lot for me, but I still can't quite seem to get it together. Gonna try private journaling for a long time and see how that works for me. About to start working on implementing better life habits with my therapist, so it's not like I'm giving up on self improvement. It's always on my mind and I'm still pursuing it, but these forums aren't working for me and it's been about about 5 months since I've started making posts. Thanks for all the support and help. I think I'll be back sometime don't know when. I just need to try a different approach to all this. Best of luck to all.

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