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Journey to a better me


16030669g
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I start my new journal here. Previously, I relapsed too many times which lead to a strong sense of guilty. And then I just stopped writing the diary anymore. But now I have to pick myself up and be responsible for my life again.

My daily goal is to stop

1) PMO

2) gaming

3) video ( I can only watch video for 30minutes break per day)

4) eating junk food

to

1) study hard (8 hours per day, will be adjusted based on how much free time i have per day)

2) exercise 

3) mindfulness

4) eat healthily

My new strategy is to read at least one article per day about quitting game or nofap to brainwash myself.  

Long-term happiness can only be achieved by self-respect and actualization, keep fighting brothers and sisters!

Edited by 16030669g
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7 hours ago, Cam Adair said:

What tends to happen for your relapses?

I relapsed because I lost the motivation to keep moving on. My willpower was exhausted and I felt meaningless of being self-discpline. although deep inside my heart I know it will benefit me in the long time. but the external world there were so many stressful events happening. I was so stressful that I relapsed to escape from all of the  stressors. 

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Day 1 completed

my study time need to be more well-scheduled tomorrow, so my efficiency can improve. I should also keep reading motivation speech and  other people successful stories throughout the day during break, to keep my motivation level! keep fighting tomorrow!

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Day 2 completed

It seems that surrounding myself with massive positive/inspirational speech and videos can keep my spirit high. Brainwashing is really working. 

I have to keep going!

But i failed to get up earlier. I woke up at about 9am, but originally I planned to wake up at 7am. Maybe it's because there is no external stress factor forcing me to wake up earlier.  This is the area where I still need to improve!

if i pass all the upcoming practicum and test, I will be able to graduate  before the mid of December this year! I am so excited about that!! please pray for me, my friends!!

Also, although i don't have any religious background, I still found prayer before sleep helped to calm my mind and improve my sleep quality.

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Day 3 completed 

One important thing I learned today is to stay mindful. Even when I am doing things that I don't really enjoy (e.g. studying)

pain derives from the intention of leaving the present moment. When we compare the present moment to an imaging scenario in our mind, pain is inevitable.

For example, when I am studying, I compare the current moment (i.e. studying) with an imaging moment (i.e. having fun of playing games) in my mind. I will instantly feel miserable and just want to quit. However, if i try to value the present moment, and acknowledge that the present moment is  all that I have, then my mind will be gradually calmed. and then I can continue study with a peace of mind. 

wherever you are, be all there (mindful), my friends!

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Day 4 completed

Today i didn't have any class, so i went back to school for self-study

Today accomplishment :1_grinning:revised some materials for the upcoming license test (speech pathologist)----- established the upcoming study routine -----didn't binge eating today

Areas to be improved :38_worried:wake up at sharp 5:30am -----  stick to the study schedule by continuous brainwashing----- should not buy any beverage on the street anymore; bring water from home, save more money

Things that I am grateful today:89_clap:  had dinner with my family together

Exciting things that I look forward towards tomorrow?see my classmates tomorrow-----  able to study a lot more about how conduct assessment with primary school children

Things that scare me today:51_scream:  fail to achieve self-discipline (self-control is an illusion, only 10% of our behavior is controlled by the conscious mind, but 90% is controlled by subconsciousness, I can only indirectly influence my own behavior by practicing auto-suggestion, brainwashing in order to gradually change my subconscious mind)

Tomorrow goals:322_star:  finished studying the primary school assessment protocol ----- completely stick to the schedule ----- study alone tomorrow

Goals for this week:321_crescent_moon:  hang out with friend on the coming Saturday night ----- finished studying everything about primary school assessment + speech intervention

Goals for this month:329_partly_sunny: have a good start on primary school practicum ----- prepare well for the upcoming intellectual disability practicum

Goal for the second half of 2018:320_sun_with_face: smoothly pass the final license exam (speech pathologist) -----  graduate at early December

How I help the world/other people today:1310_thumbsup_tone1:  i lend some valuable assessment tool to my classmate

Daily quote (what are important to me today):744_book:

1. only focus on the things that I can do now, stop taking care of the business of other people

2. working or sleeping is also effective for stoping a crazy, ruminating mind

3. don't believe in the story created by the mind, if i feel any negative emotion towards others/ current or upcoming events, that it must be caused by my irrational belief in the story created by my mind. 

4. although the present moment (study) might seem very boring, it is the only thing I have, I'll try my best to treasure/acknowledge it as the last second of my life (in truth it is, every second in our life is so valuable because our life is so short, although some moment might seems boring, fearful, overwhelming, they are the most valuable and incredible thing we can own throughout our life)

 

 

 

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Woohoo halfway to your first week! Congrats!

Your goals are extremely admirable, just make sure you listen to your body and take it slow. You say losing motivation/exhausting yourself is the biggest reason why you relapse, yet you've decided to wake up at 5:30 am every day in addition to studying full-time for your speech pathologist test. If you feel you can take your current load then fantastic, but don't be afraid to dial your goals back a bit if feel like you're burning out.

Keep it up though, you're doing great!

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Day 5 completed

Today I almost relapsed, I spent about 3 hours (literally) fighting against my urge to PMO (i kept searching some motivational video and nofap video on youtube throughout this 3 hours). At the end, I opened some P website, but I managed to stop it at the last moment, so i didnt' MO. Learning from today's lesson, I will modify my schedule tomorrow. Not only depending on willpower, but also modify the environment: I will leave my home earlier before my parents go to work starting from tomorrow.

Today accomplishment :1_grinning:revised the same materials again, memory consolidation ----- prepared a little bit for my upcoming patient. 

Areas to be improved :38_worried: I woke up at 7:30am today., failed to meet my goal. because i couldnt sleep well last night. So i will change my schedule. the 30 minutes before sleep is only for studying and working, which can make me feel more sleepy (previously, i usually watch 30minute TV drama on the internet before sleep which made me exciting and reluctant to sleep)

Things that I am grateful today:89_clap:  successfully suppressed my urge to MO

Exciting things that I look forward towards tomorrow?will see a lovely girl in the church again tomorrow :17_heart_eyes: oh my god i miss her. and talking with my other good friends in the church. (I only go to church for social, i don't really believe in jesus, but i do believe there is a creator looking after me)

Benefits after this self-discipline journey :9_innocent: more excited and grateful about some little things (e.g. seeing my friends) in my daily life. 

Negative thoughts/unsatisfaction today:51_scream:  speech pathology this career cannot make me become a rich person. Although i can earn a decent salary after i graduate, but i want to accomplish more --- i should be more confident when I am speaking to the public

Tomorrow goals:322_star:  woke up at 5:30am --- prepare for the document before the practicum start --- work 30 minutes before sleep tomorrow --- buy a new back bag, get it done before 12:00

Tomorrow diet:15_yum:  beef rice or wonton noodles at 11:00am

Goals for this week:321_crescent_moon:  hang out with friend on the coming Saturday night ----- finished studying everything about primary school assessment + speech intervention

Goals for this month:329_partly_sunny: have a good start on primary school practicum ----- prepare well for the upcoming intellectual disability practicum

Goal for the second half of 2018:320_sun_with_face: smoothly pass the final license exam (speech pathologist) -----  graduate at early December

How I help the world/other people today:1310_thumbsup_tone1:  i did nothing to help others or the world today .... will try my best tomorrow

10 hours ago, Deku said:

Woohoo halfway to your first week! Congrats!

Your goals are extremely admirable, just make sure you listen to your body and take it slow. You say losing motivation/exhausting yourself is the biggest reason why you relapse, yet you've decided to wake up at 5:30 am every day in addition to studying full-time for your speech pathologist test. If you feel you can take your current load then fantastic, but don't be afraid to dial your goals back a bit if feel like you're burning out.

Keep it up though, you're doing great!

thanks for your support man, i really appreciate it. you are one of the reasons keep me moving forward :11_blush::10_wink:

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Day 6 Pause 

Today I felt very unhappy and lonely. The feeling of loneliness overwhelmed me. So i had to take a half day off. I didn't gave in to PMO. so it is still kind of victory. and i have to change my mind set, to free myself from the negative thought. 

I don't deserve to be loved by other people. If other people didn't approve me (even my significant others), i didn't lose anything. It is not their duties to love me. But my own responsibility to approve myself. So i don't need to feel alone , even when I am rejected by my partner. when i don' t' trust in the thought that "my partner is supposed to love me unconditionally, never betray me", I do not feel loneliness , and I am still the valuable and irreplaceable "me"! Only when we detach from our subjective thought, we can be at peace.

 

Tonight and tomorrow goal

sleep at 1 o'clock, wake up at 7am tomorrow

2-3 Strong reasons why i have to get up early tomorrow

- feel more energetic

- more productive 

- less stressful later because i can finish more things (i.e. school work) earlier 

 

 

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3 hours ago, 16030669g said:

I don't deserve to be loved by other people.

 

Loved most of this post but hated this. Yes, other people aren't obligated to love you, but everyone in the world is deserving of being loved (except for maybe serial killers and rapists and stuff). You especially are working hard to improve yourself and get the life that you want. There's nothing to be ashamed of there, and certainly nothing that makes you less worthy of others' affections.

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Day 7 completed (slow progress)

Today I did not achieve much, just revised the same material again and spent about 1.5 hour on writing an assessment report. I went out to play basketball with my friends in the afternoon, and had dinner with a new friend coming from America tonight. But i did fulfill my exercise commitment today, i did 120 push up throughout the day. But I ate a lot of junk food today (i.e. 2 can of coke, KFC as lunch, pizza hut as dinner). Also, i failed to wake up at 5:30am, instead I woke up 7:30am. I should push myself further in this habit. 

Accomplishment :1_grinning:revised the same materials again, worked a bit on assessment report

Improvement :38_worried: ate too much junk food, tomorrow diet: beef rice, wonton noodle, or the cheapest rice in school canteen

Gratitude:89_clap:  the 7th day without PMO ---- met a cool guy from the America

Hope?have a full day to catch up with the progress

Benefit from this self discipline journey:9_innocent: i know i m walking on the right path, but it's not easy

Negative thoughts:51_scream:  I cant stand that my girlfriend become indifferent towards me

Daily goals:322_star:  woke up at 6:30am --- finish the plan for stuttering practicum before 12 --- study the primary school protocol afterwards

Weekly goals:321_crescent_moon:  finished primary and mental school protocol and be v. familiar with them

Monthly goals:329_partly_sunny: have a good start on primary school practicum ----- prepare well for the upcoming intellectual disability practicum

Year resolution:320_sun_with_face: smoothly pass the final license exam (speech pathologist) -----  graduate at early December

Help the world:1310_thumbsup_tone1:  recycle two plastic bottles today

20 hours ago, Deku said:

Loved most of this post but hated this. Yes, other people aren't obligated to love you, but everyone in the world is deserving of being loved (except for maybe serial killers and rapists and stuff). You especially are working hard to improve yourself and get the life that you want. There's nothing to be ashamed of there, and certainly nothing that makes you less worthy of others' affections.

i m going through a very difficult relationship now with my girlfriend, she said she had depression, but i am not sure whether it is an excuse or not. She has become very indifferent towards me since May this year, it has already been over 4 months. but her attitude has not changed. Every day I missed her, and I m waiting for her message. but the reality always disappoint me. I m struggling with whether I should leave her or not... it is a big burden on me, in the meantime, i have to handle the challenging school work. all of these things are driving me crazy. 

yes bro, i agree with what you said "other people aren't obligated to love you, but everyone in the world is deserving of being loved". I just cannot force other people to love me, and i also dont want to be stressed out or feel miserable when I can not get the love from people who I value (e.g. my girlfriend) 

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Day 8 & 9 completed

I decided to enter the super monk mode, which means I am going to stop all kinds of entertainment. The past 2 days were tough, actually I was unproductive at all. I was not able to get anything done. Because when I stopped using any kind of dopamine rush activities (including youtube, social media ... etc), the emptiness inside me become prominent and overwhelming. But this is a stage I must go through by myself. In the modern world, all types of entertainment share the similar nature, they were the obstacle to the better version of ourself. They will made me addicted and mess up with my internal dopamine reward system. To free myself from all of these physical temptation, I now proclaim to start this tough journey, wish me luck brothers and sisters. 

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Day 10 & 11 completed

I could not believe i could make it here. I have to admit that I have broken my routine from time to time, e.g. ate junk food, slipped on cell phone game. But the major thing is that I have persisted to stop MO. Throughout this 11 days, I did fail to control my impulse to open P websites for two times (the trigger is the boredom and the conditioned environment), I did manage to close the website very soon, and didn't commit to any MO.

About productivity, I found out that I have to use a timer throughout the day, otherwise my productivity could be really really low I would often slip on watching an inspirational video after an inspirational video/ articles. It will becomes another form of addiction or escape, or procrastination. Setting a timer is quite useful to remind my self to be balance between work and relax. Every time before I work i will set a timer for 30 minutes. For relaxing time, i will set a timer for 15 minutes.

During the relaxing time, i will only be able to watch some inspirational video (e.g. ted talk), do some push up, drink water, or walk around, these kinds of activities, which will not seriously distract me away from my work.

Still a long way to go, it's hard, but i have to keep going. When i feel miserable about myself , i will think about the popular people, such as stephen hawking, robert hoge , those who have serious physical limitation but still manage to live up to their potential. So i dont have any excuse to give up on myself. ? let's do it!

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Day 12, 13 & 14 completed

2 weeks without MO (there are 3 times in total that I couldn't control myself to browse some P website, due to exposure to some online advertisement) are completed. Now I am going through the flatline. I hope I can survive it in the coming days. 

Although i did relapsed to playing cell phone games or watching youtube occasionally, I did become more productive ,happier, less anxious, and have a stronger sense of self-control and self-respect. I also become less attached/struggled with my relationship problem (i.e. my girlfriend no longer talk to me for a long time due to her emotional problems)

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Day 15 & 16 completed

Recently i am working on the "fear hierarchy" with my client as a part of the CBT therapy (cognitive behavioral therapy). This inspired me to create my personal "perceptual dopamine hierarchy" to review my own good and bad habits. 

Perceptual dopamine hierarchy

Activity

Dopamine level

Effective shot per day

Addiction level

PMO

10

1~2

10

Games

8

Infinite

8

Social*

7~8

Infinite

*

Youtube/movie

7

Infinite

8

Junk Food

7

2~3

8

Exercise

3~4

3~4

3

go outdoor

3

1~2

2

Journaling

2

1~3

2

Sleep

1~3

1~3

1

Mindful Walking

1~2

5~6

1

Shower

1~2

1~2

1

Mindful meditation

1

1~?

1

Healthy eating

1

2~3

1

Study

1

Infinite

1

       

 

Although some activities can only release a low level of dopamine, it doesn't mean these activities are not worth doing. Whether an activity is reinforcing or not is just a relative concept. If I can stop doing the top dopamine releasing activities for a good period of time, I could be able to rewire my brain and reset the dopamine level to the original status. In other words, after the recovery stage, my brain will become more sensitive to low dopamine releasing activities and make these simple activities more enjoyable.

Relying on high dopamine released activities will only mess up the brain’s reward system, and destroy the balance of our mental mechanism.

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Day 1 start all over

Yes, I relapsed again, few days ago. And then after the first relapse, I relapsed again and again over the past few days because of the chaser effect. But this journey is not about how long day streak I can achieve or maintain, it's about how many time I fall, but i can still get up and keep moving forward. Its tough and really a painful lesson. But I have to memorize and learn from it, and keep transcending myself. 

Triggering event : alone at home, after finished a difficult project

Thought at that moment: I should reward myself, I have suffered for long period enough

Feeling after relapse: feel like shit, it doesn't worth it. 

Sometimes, it's difficult to control my own thought and behavior, sometimes before I realize it I already click into a P website. But its ok, as long as my rationale mind come back, i should immediately shut the website down, and force myself to focus on the right thing. its never too late, dont give myself anymore excuse "there is no next time, if i want to do it, i can only do it now! and believe in myself that i can do it!"

Another mindset that cause me relapse is the "I am not yet ready".

We will never be ready, we will never be determined enough. Determination and motivation only come after we start taking the action.

The more pain we suffer from self-discipline, the more intense self-respect and satisfaction that we can get in the long term. It is an equal and balanced world, like yin and yang, no pay, no gain. 

Let's do it again together my friends. 

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