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IfIEverGetAroundToLiving

If I Ever Get Around To Living

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If I ever get around to living,

I'll take the end of every day,

Tie it up to every morning,

And sail away.

 

I'm a Starcraft addict, and as much as I love the game I believe I need to leave it behind if I'm to get anything done with my life. 

It seems kinda dumb to blame your problems on a video game, and thats certainly what I tell myself just before I open the battle net installer. Thats what I told myself today, probably 16 or so hours ago. And now I'm back in the same old spot, at the tail end of a binge sesh, hating my stupid-ass for getting into this situation AGAIN.

It's like when I wake up, I magically forget the misery and frustration that prompts me to uninstall the game each night I go on a binge. Emotions fade in the light of new days, and I wonder whether I ever suffered in the first place. Surely it was just a lose streak that got me tilted, or maybe I've fallen for the stigma around gaming, that it's only for children or losers. Its not that I've been so deep into this hole that I've wasted almost 10 grand on courses I've failed, and probably years of time that I can't get back. 

So I'm writing this for my future self, so I don't forget. 

This is my accountability blog. If I ever stop posting here, please find out where I live and come shake me around or something. 

 

 

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I can relate to everything you wrote. That trap of waking up every morning forgetting the misery of yesterday... all of us know it too well. Welcome here, and congratulations for taking action against your addiction. I suggest you to try a 90 day detox, it’s the easy way.

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22 hours ago, info-gatherer said:

I can relate to everything you wrote. That trap of waking up every morning forgetting the misery of yesterday... all of us know it too well. Welcome here, and congratulations for taking action against your addiction. I suggest you to try a 90 day detox, it’s the easy way.

Hey thanks for the welcome. It's been so helpful to go over everyone's journals. It's very inspiring to know that other people are struggling or have struggled with the same stuff that I thought I was alone in. I'll definitely do a 90 day detox, which will hopefully end up being a life detox in the end :).

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Day 1: Somewhat productive day, even though I ran into a bit of trouble with the train and bus services being down/changed so I couldn't get as much study done as I would have liked.

Emotionally I feel a little numb, almost like I'm on the verge of boredom but nothing so concrete as actually being bored. 

I have to keep this short today, because I left this a little too late and I have to go to bed. Hopefully tomorrow I can really start developing a daily routine that can keep me productive and in good mental health.

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Day 2: Another short entry, I keep forgetting to start writing these before its too late and I have to get to sleep to maintain my precious 8 hours. 

Speaking of sleep, I slept probably 9 and a half hours last night, which didn't feel so great. The mornings have been getting colder and colder where I live, and it's becoming a real struggle to get out of bed, especially when I don't have any concrete commitments that I need to get to. 

Unfortunately after sleeping in I decided to try and study at home rather than at the library, because I would get less hours at the library than usual before it closed. Of course I can't study at home apparently and ended up doing about half of what I intended to do, throwing my whole schedule further out of wack. I'm going to have to bust my ass a little tomorrow so I can avoid a panic attack before my next exam. 

Tomorrow:

I'm gonna get rid of the snooze function on my alarm, and make it louder. Hopefully that works to get me awake, because moving my phone away from my bed is difficult without a cable adapter which I don't want to have to buy. I'll do what's necessary though.

I'll go to the gym as well, then study at the library from 12ish to 6:30. 

Also definitely going to try my best to remember to start journalling a bit earlier so I can get some deeper reflection in and not the fairly surface level stuff I've written here. 

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Day 3: The best way I could describe my experience today would be like living through The Hangover in microbursts. It was like my brain was trying to keep me in a loop of "just about to get something done" forever.

The first time I tried leaving the house (to go to the gym), I ended up suddenly super indecisive about what I should wear, to the point where I missed my bus and had to wait an hour for the next bus (public transport is awful where I live, and the trains were down over the weekend). Ok, no worries I've still got time I'll just do some study at home and catch the next bus and go from there. Nope. One second I was ready to walk out the door, the next second I felt semen hit my chest and it was too late again. The classic trap all men fall into (at least I hope it's not just me) of "I'll just bust a quickie and leave". Next minute you're on page 12 of PornHub and you've missed your bus again. 

The fucking next time I miss my bus (3 hours wasted btw) it was just plain and pure procrastination, and I left the house too late. But at least I got out the door this time, so I thought fuck it I'll walk to the main bus station about 40 minutes away on foot. The walk itself was amazing. The weather was perfect, with almost no clouds in sight and a strong breeze that kept me awake like a splash of cold water on the face. That was the highlight of the day, and it almost made the agonising indecision of earlier worth it.

At this point it was after noon, and I didn't have any hope of gymming AND getting enough study done so I decided to skip the gym and head straight to the library instead, where I got about 4 hours of solid study in. I would have preferred more, but that was the position I put myself in. 

I'm not sure how to explain the inertia I felt today. It almost makes me question whether I have ADHD or something, because it was that ridiculous. Of course normally I would have given up after I missed the bus the first time, and just surrendered my day to gaming. I might have even been glad for the excuse. So at the end of it all, I am proud that I kept trying to push through, and although it wasn't perfect I still got shit done. 

I firmly believe in personal responsibility, especially for one's actions and thoughts. Everything that I can control I have a responsibility to control. Basically, I am responsible for my own life. Of course there are things that might be out of my control, like if I contracted a genetic disease or was the victim of a freak accident. But even in these unlikely scenario's I'm still able to dictate how I respond, and how I let it affect me and my thoughts. It's important for me to tell myself this, because I often feel like I don't have any free will over my behaviour, whether it be with compulsive gaming or in all to frequent moments of indecision. 

Anyway tomorrow I'm going to go to the gym and get 6-7 hours of solid study in before my test the day after, and I'll do it better this time. I'm like a self-learning AI, except instead of getting real good at Go, I'm gonna become a grandmaster liver lol.

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Day 4: Short one today because I gotta wake up early for an exam tomorrow. 

Today was great, like a well executed recipe and almost by the book exactly what I had planned. I woke up on time, went to the gym, went for a swim, studied for 4.5 hours (a little under what I wanted but that's ok) and played keys for probably 2 hours after dinner. That was the best part. I'm not good by any means, but I'm just skilled enough to be able to improvise basic stuff and express myself in the barest way.

In other news I got invited a while back to a party on Friday with a group of my old high school friends and a bunch of other people I don't know who are friends of the host. It's weird because I'm not sure I want to go. I was very quiet and reserved in high school, I transcended being invisible and developed a reputation for never speaking in a lot of my classes. I remember in my english class it was almost a running joke that I would never say much when called upon, or contribute to class discussion. Of course I had things to say but I was just too scared to say them. 

I've gotten slowly better over the last few years in spite of my unhealthy obsessions holding me back. But still every time I go to one of these parties (always with the same group of people) or gatherings it's like I revert back to version 1.0. They still know me as the guy who barely speaks (even at gatherings with friends lmao), and it's like they interact with me with that expectation of my behaviour in mind. So it makes it very difficult for me to break that perception somehow. I've got a very narrow niche in the group and I can't seem to escape. 

To be honest I'm not even sure I have that much in common with them either anymore. So I don't know whether I should go or not, but I'm leaning towards not going. On one hand it's likely to be a frustrating, miserable experience for me if you look at the precedent, but on the other hand theres always that small glimmer of hope that I can show up and finally let myself have a good time. Because I've definitely improved since the last party (although thats true for all the parties so far) and maybe this time it's enough that I won't get stuck in a loop of anxiety and freeze up as per usual. 

Dammit what wouldn't I give to be able to trade some of my mad Starcraft skill for social skill.

Ah well, so much for this being a short journal. 

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Day 5: I flossed today.

I feel pretty confident about my exam, but I don't want to dwell on it because I have another one in probably around 32 hours. I also studied around 5 hours, which is a PB. If I were to graph my hours studied per day I'm sure it would show a recent positive linear correlation, although the sample size isn't big enough to be concl- shit I forgot to murder the stats guy in my head (now that I don't need him anymore). Can't wait to go cram half a semesters worth of content in one day tomorrow -_-. 

Thing I Would Say If I Was Cool Enough To Pull It Off Part 1: This isn't late for me, and I got nowhere else to be. 

Me: Just another lonely boy on the internet.

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17 hours ago, Piotr said:

Just don't give up @IfIEverGetAroundToLiving we all started just like you and most of succeded! Just don't give up. WARNING: Amazing life awaits you! ;)

Thanks Piotr, I don't plan on giving up :)

Day 6: Here I go a-failing again.

Got an exam tomorrow, and there's no way I can get all this content into my head in time. At this point, I've got to hope that my general knowledge, combined with a veeerry broad understanding of the lecture material, can pull me through with a pass. 

I've never failed an exam before, but I've failed multiple courses. Probably about $10 000 worth of courses to be exact. I wouldn't exactly blame video games for this, but they were certainly my coping mechanism of choice to deal with the shame (and hide from a life I was failing at). Every time I got the feeling that I was grossly underprepared for an exam or assignment (procrastination via games of course) I would just give up. If I'm gonna fail, I might as well grind out a few more hours of DOTA2 rather than waste my time and self-esteem showing up.

Well this time I'm gonna show up and fail, all in the name of taking responsibility for my life. It was me that didn't go to lectures, it was me that didn't start revising until a day ago, and it will be me who hands in the exam paper. And who knows, maybe I'll get lucky.

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Taking responsibility for your actions is an evidence of maturity.

Sometimes I thought I was completely unprepared for an exam. But then I've got very easy questions. If I wouldn't show up, I would waste such a good chance to pass. This thought me to always show up.

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Update: I haven't posted my accountability journal for a while, I guess I just got lazy. I still haven't touched Starcraft since I quit, but lately I've been watching streams and some tournaments, and I can feel the relapse approaching. So I'm back. 

Phone Calls

I called my dermatologist the other day to get some more scripts, and I fucking felt my heart beating at 120 bpm the whole time. It was like the conscious part of me floated out of my body and looked down, thinking how stupid it was that I would have a fight or flight response to a phone call. It's one of those things where even if you know it's dumb, your body does it anyway, kinda like allergies (a whole other issue for me). Maybe I should give out my number to a bunch of shady websites to get some practice talking to people over the phone.

Loneliness

My best friend (I don't like using that term, but it's accurate. Particularly because its basically my only friend) has been away on holiday for a while and it's made me realise how close I am to crippling loneliness. I'm not co-dependant or needy, but I need a small amount of social interaction on a semi regular basis, otherwise I fall into a spiral a bit. It's not a nice feeling to realise I'm basically relying on one person to do that for me. 

Dreams stay dreams

An old high school acquaintance released his first single a week ago, and it's even charting on itunes (barely, but thats still cool as fuck). It's funny because my first thought when I listened to it was "Oh thank god, it's not THAT good", followed by "I can easily do better if I wanted". That's me trying my best to reassure myself when I haven't even come close to releasing anything at all. This guy is out there chasing his dream, and he's barely a few years into learning his instrument at most. Meanwhile here's bitter ol' me sitting at home with almost a decade of accumulated skill doing nothing. I want so badly to hate this guy, but he's doing exactly what I wish I was doing, and I have to respect the crap out of that. On top of that, he's just a really nice person too. Fuck. Now I got my rival.

 

Plan of action:

I already feel better after writing all that out, but I don't want to fall into a trap of false complacency without some hard accomplishment to back it up. 

Right fucking now:

Delete Instagram, Facebook off my phone. I've basically replaced gaming addiction with internet addiction, which is just as bad. This will make it harder for me to instantly occupy myself if I'm ever bored. Boredom is good, it makes you want to do things. I'll still keep in touch with reddit and youtube (because theres no way I can delete either my browser or the youtube app off my phone), but I'm going to try my best to restrict access to early mornings (treating it like a newspaper). 

Tomorrow:

I can't study because my lecture notes are unavailable for website maintenance so I have some time to kill:

  • Polish up resume, send 3 applications out
  • Keys/Guitar 1hr each
  • MakeABeat 1hr
  • Go for a walk
  • Be bored (maybe something will happen idk)

 

I'll try to keep posting here again semi-regularly, but my life isn't very exciting so I'll probably wait until I have something to write about. One day I'll catch up to Brad, that madlad's killing it as an inspiration for me.

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I understand you so well! I just waste my time on some TV-shows and books (books are not the worst variant). But couple of days ago I decided to get together, found top rated resume writing services and with the resume they'll write to me I'm going to get a job and try not to procrastinate anymore. At least, I'll try. So imagine I'm shaking you, let's go to work together ?

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