Jump to content

NEW INTERVIEW: Porn is destroying a generation... one erection at a time! w/ Gabe Deem

JaniP

The 90-day Detox Journal (and beyond)

Recommended Posts

Day 18:

Woke up a bit too late. Managed to compose half a song, feels good. No cravings today. Keeping it short here this time and heading to bed.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 19:

Not really a productive weekend at all so far, mostly just protecting myself from too much stress caused by studying. Well, we had a band practice session today and I watched some ice-hockey both days during the weekend now. No cravings today again, which is good :)

Tomorrow more studying and trying to take a look at some of the recent comments, that I might or might have not read thoroughly... I didn't really spend any extra time browsing the Internet lately (which is again positive, I guess?)

Edited by JaniP

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 20:

Woke up fresher than on any of the days during the detox, is this wizardry? Mornings like this are 1/10000 on odds (almost literally, lol). 9 days remaining for the entrance exam, still trying to avoid the exam anxiety. What I need to start reflecting on, is how to survive if/when the harsh truth of rejectance hits me from the university and I don't get the admission. Last time this led to a relapse and me almost getting depressed again. This time I must take another perspective on this matter.

Today planning to hit the gym in the evening and before that just finish my studies for today. Maybe considering to start looking for some new hobby to try on this evening, I feel more energized to do it than before. Also, seems like it's ten more days until the first month!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 21:

Yesterday evening I first almost had a nervous breakdown after not getting a physics problem solved. It was about electricity, Kirchhoff's second rule's applications to be exact. First tried to have a grasp on it for like 6 hours (not the first time, been doing it for 6 months now) but didn't succeed. Then I went home, opened my books again and told myself "I am gonna make it through this problem, just like I have made it through these 20 days of not gaming." And I freaking solved it. Felt so good. It's not even that hard but I somehow have hard time with some problems that seem to be really easy to other people, but then again I excel in many things that other people find hard. We humans are weird.

Yesterday evening I also hit the gym again. I decided to follow the path that I started like 1,5 weeks ago - I started doing more cardio-wise workout and it has paid off nicely, I have slept better, I think, and I feel the endorphins and all the other feelgood-chemicals flowing through me more than before, when I used to do more powerlifting type of workout. Of course I will not do this new thing forever but I am gonna start alternating between the two - it's gonna make me more consistent so that I can make myself go to them gym still even years from now. That should be the goal for everyone out there - especially if one's struggling with going to the gym in a long run, not only for 1-2 months at a time. I have now been going there for 1,5 years straight, and it's my new record. It's this new mindset that has made it possible. I can recommend doing it through having fun. not with "your tongue under the belt" :D

Today I will start the last section of biology for the exam and it will take me maybe one week to go through with it. Also there is an ice-hockey game this evening, Finland-Norway, so of course I'll be cheering with that this evening too. Feeling super good at the moment, I wish this would be the case every day... Oh, and no cravings again, even though I had a dream that I was playing Sims 2... Sims - freaking - 2, what is that even?! :DD

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 22:

I woke up just like an hour ago and it's almost 1pm already... I feel kind of sad that I wasted so many hours in the morning, but it must be still the workout from Monday that is takng its toll on me. I don't have really anything special to say about this day, I will be mostly studying (again) and watching some more ice-hockey in the evening.

Some little part of me wanted to play League again when I woke up. How does this happen at this point? I thought the craving part would be over already. Well, I guess they come and go - now I don't really feel like playing anymore but I did when I woke up, was feeling tired and was trying to decide, whether to go to the university or not. Eventually, I ended up here in the uni so everything's good. I hope cravings like that don't haunt me any more in the mornings, when I am the most vulnerable to them :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's those sleep-ins that always got me whenever I tried to quit. Exactly as you said, I felt guilty about oversleeping and wasting so much time, then the morning/afternoon was so slow, lazy and depressive that I always just started to play and the cycle of addiction and depression continued. Good job not following on that 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
12 hours ago, JustTom said:

It's those sleep-ins that always got me whenever I tried to quit. Exactly as you said, I felt guilty about oversleeping and wasting so much time, then the morning/afternoon was so slow, lazy and depressive that I always just started to play and the cycle of addiction and depression continued. Good job not following on that 

Yeah, this is actually a major issue and it'd be super awesome if people started noticing this in their processes. I mean, I am pretty sure that you and me are not the only ones being affected by it (fortunate ones to acknowledge it, though!) and raising awareness about the issue would be a good thing.

That was a nice point to notice man, thanks!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Days 23(holiday) and 24:

Yesterday was a day off by almost all meters: no ice-hockey, no studying.... Only went to do a little workout in the gym and ate a lot! Didn't touch my laptop, so I didn't manage to come here and write. No biggie, it was a boring day (no cravings nevertheless - I was outside a lot and feeling super good the whole day!)

Today, it was a rough start to the day again. Woke up after a good 7ish hours of sleep but was still feeling drowsy... I decided to try to tackle the drowziness by taking a bike trip to the university. It actually worked but the pollen in the air.... Damn, I feel like my eyes and nose are tearing apart from my face :D I am so allergic to this.... I am still having dreams of gaming but not really feeling like craving for it when I wake up. It must be the thing that I don't have any friends at the moment and I am craving to be with my fellas, so the only thing my mind comes up with, is to do gaming with them. I am so much hoping to tackle this issue by autumn.

Also, just under a week until I start a new job in a local furniture store as a salesman. It's a job just for the summer to earn some extra cash, I hope for it to be exciting and full of adventures :D

And 5 days until the entrance exam. Ugh, feeling bad just by thinking about the whole thing. So much preparation (+400 days of studying -> easily over 1000 hours of productive time) just for one day, 5 hours. Sigh.

Tomorrow is ice-hockey day, watching the world cup, and it's Finland - Canada! Will be an awesome match but Finland is in an awkward position to start such a game because we lost to Denmark 2-3 on Wednesday :D This will get intresting. No plans for today really, might even hit the gym again in the evening if I can't come up with anything better.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Days 25-27:

During the weekend I was on a trip to the countryside with my family and we were spending Mothers' Day so there wasn't really a good moment to sit down and write the journal - nor was there any need to.

I decided to get back to it now. Yesterday evening a thought crossed my mind, that what would happen if I decided to stop writing the journal now? I think it wouldn't ruin the process, not just yet. But in 2 or 3 weeks of time things might start happening. First of all, I think that because there is no active reasoning every day on why not to do gaming, I would relapse pretty quickly under all the pressure from work and while waiting for the results from the entrance exam (which is on Wednesday, yikes!). Last time when I quit, I stopped writing the journal at around this time, while not having played for one month or so. Well, back then, luckily I got into a relationship soon after finishing the journal and then was occupied by that, but as soon as it ended, so ended the gaming break. I think that if I'd kept writing the journal back then, I wouldn't have relapsed. At least as easily as I did.

So today I had to force-wakeup early to head to the university to finish with my revisions for the exam. And now I am finished. Over 4 months of hard work again. Done. I am done. Thank god. Next up will be the test itself.

During the weekend I also gave a thought to having a backup plan, finally. I know it is important in a situation like this to have a backup plan, but I kinda used all those plans already. I have tried so many things and have given time to think about so many careers, but only medicine has been fascinating so far. So I was thinking and came to the conclusion that I will apply to the police academy. It is in another city, like 300 kilometers away, so it will be really tough for me to leave (I have always lived here close to my family and friends). There are some pros though: I have like 3 or so friends living in that city already, studying, and it will be an adventure to move on to a bigger city with new things. And of course the training itself is pretty fascinating - thank god I am in a good physical shape already so that the entrance exam there will not be a living hell!

Well, this was a good little reflection (and stress relief strategy) to write here today. Came to notice that the journal again works - you know when some people say, that "You can take a break of 10 mins of every day to just go through all the negativity, call it the anxiety break" or stuff like that. This was my anxiety break :D

Getting back here tomorrow.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Days 28-29:

Yesterday was just a day full of relaxation, eating, watching tv, doing all kinds of fun stuff. Nothing special. I was just preparing for this day.

So, today I had the entrance exam. It was as hard as I remembered from last year, when I attempted. Darn, I am still mentally a wreck after it, I gave everything in my power! Probably not going to pass again (it's the second hardest degree in the country to get in) but I did my best and I do not regret a thing about the whole process and especially today. Now I am in the process of reducing the packed stress. The bad thing is, that I can't even have any holidays now (which would have been so awesome, my head is empty and I am kind of hyperventilating all the time because of stress) and I need to start a new job tomorrow. I am just thinking of the job more as a way to get to know new people and to learn new things right now.

I also started to do swimming like three days ago - outside :D I wouldn't have thought of doing it, the water is +12 degrees Celsius... The lake was still covered in ice two weeks ago but now because of 7 days of extreme heat in Finland, it melted really quick and started heating so that it's already +12 now. Today I was also playing guitar a lot and went for a walk.

I started this habit a week ago and I forgot to mention it here probably. I read about the health effects of being outside in the fresh air and the results about better sleep quality and better mood stunned me. I wanted to do the same thing now and I was actually never an outside person. Well, you know, just gaming all my life so why would I suddendly give a crap about going out? :D Now I have been going out for 20-60 minutes every day: cycling to the university and back, just taking a walk in the nature, stuff like this... It's awesome and I already see what it does to my mood and sleep patterns. They are both drastically improving.

Now it's time to head for the bed and to be ready for a new chapter in my life - the exam is done, still feel no urges for gaming and I can start earning some money from tomorrow onwards. Let's see what the future brings up. Tomorrow will also be the first month without gaming too, trying to have reflection on some things tomorrow too :)

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Awesome that you're going out and it's having good effects, good idea! You say you're most likely not going to get in - what's your plan afterwards? Just curious

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, JustTom said:

Awesome that you're going out and it's having good effects, good idea! You say you're most likely not going to get in - what's your plan afterwards? Just curious

Yep, I've been going out more a lot lately and I can really see it affecting my mood in a good way! All the research about the health effects of going outside to get fresh air & sun has not been in vain :D

My plan B is actually already in progress now. I applied to the police academy in southern Finland - sent the application form like 5 mins ago... It'd be a bit different to be a police officer than to be a doctor, but I think I would do just fine in either profession. My curiosity lies in the higher ranks of police - being a higher ranking officer, leading investigations and doing stuff like that in the field. Maybe also something like crime-technical investigation where I would be doing fancy stuff like analyzing DNA from samples and doing all the other "Dexter-things". Not murdering the bad guys like him, though haha.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Days 30-31:

Guess what, it's a full month now! Yay!

Still in the aftermath of the exam - my head feels empty and I am recovering from the stress. Also had the first day in the new job yesterday. All the people at work seem really nice and they know their stuff so I can feel more confident in asking for advice etc.

Today I have a day off, have already been composing some music - without results, sigh. Also been watching a series and did the application to the police academy, just in case I don't get in to study medicine.

Plans for today include resting a bit more, watching TV and then hitting the gym for some workout. Feels good not having to study all the time now.

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Days 32-33:

Not going to write much here now because I am heading to bed to be fresh(er) in the morning... Have a long day in front of me again. I just wanted to sign in to keep writing consistently at least every 2 days.

I spent the whole weekend working now, not really having been able to enjoy my spare time at all - just watching a new series that I found from an on-demand service. Tomorrow I am going to reflect on this new issue of not being able to converge my stress. I think I became overstressed while simultaneously stopping gaming, alcohol and at the same time studying my ass off for the entrance exam AND then doing the exam itself! I have been going through some massive PTSD-like symptoms in the past 3 days, I have feelings like I have some cardiac arrythmia, my hands are shaking, I am getting cold shivers and from there going to hot flashes. Also feeling a lot of nausea and general bad feeling in my stomach in the evenings, always at the same time. I am pretty sure it's stress. This is really annoying. So far I was always keeping myself in the comfort-zone and now when I was outside it for a bit too long.... Well, then something like this starts happening. The stress peaked on the exam-day (last wednesday) and since then I have been feeling these feelings, the danger now is that it's also causing me cravings in a way - I am in some level thinking that gaming would cure these feelings now, because it's a 100% certain way to relieve all the stress.

I am scared.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 34:

Woke up at nine'ish in the morning. Worked for 9 hours and reached home like and hour ago. Feeling super tired and trying to relax (has been hard lately because of the stress :60_sweat:) I also wrote to the relapse subthread where I was going through this situation - I feel that I could relapse at any second. Not by feeling too much urges to do gaming - to use it as a way to reduce stress. I was so good at sinking into the gaming world that it would keep me from worrying about all the negative things (like, will I get in to the med school now, or all the work stuff or studies etc). Of course, this all shortened would simply be: escapism. I simply can't find a way to reduce stress otherwise. Excercise doesn't work - it's become so common for me to go to the gym that it's more of an accomplishment to do a workout than to get some stress relief and fun out of it. Same goes for jogging. This is so hard and now at the same time my friends are luring me to game with them again. Feels bad.

I don't know what to do, I just hope I can stick to this decision of not gaming now and I hope there are no triggers (like any negative outcomes from things or more stress) that would make me relapse.

This has to be the "darkest" post so far. Well, I know it has to be like this from time to time too.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thumbs up for being consistent and posting here despite feeling stressed. This way we can reach out to you and perhaps bump you towards a better state. Replied in the Relapse thread. Hang in there. Don't game, you're gonna regret it like I did. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Days 35-36:

Yesterday was a training day at work, nothing special. Felt a bit better physically so I even went to the gym again. I think it might have backfired today, because I have felt like sh*t again the whole day....

Despite all the hardships lately, I didn't relapse yet. Actually I started feeling, that it's not even the solution to play. Tomorrow I will be calling for a doctor's appointment to resolve the situation.

I also want to thank everyone for contributing to my process. I am blessed to have such community around me. Some few people commenting my journal and checking in on me from time to time deserve my highest gratitude. Thank you. I just want to say it out loud here and now because I am too tired and busy to get on replying to everyone - don't get me wrong, I am sincerely reading through your posts when I log in - just replying to them is hard because of time issues. Now again I need to head to bed to take some hours of sleep before starting an 8-day working spree again.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Days 37-40 (wow, I made it to 40 already??):

Hmm, I didn't even realize how fast time is going on... It's been 4 days already since my last post, makes me feel sad because my goal has been to stick into writing here at least every two days. Nevertheless, I was close to relapsing in the beginning of this week, as I was writing about it. Good news: I didn't relapse. I have just been so busy that I didn't want to spend any time sitting on computer. I wake up every morning at around 9, eat my breakfast, head to work to be there at 10am sharp and then work for 9 hours. So it's almost 8pm when I reach home and then I want to do something like watch a series or play guitar for those 3-4 precious hours before heading to sleep. Thankfully, I have had enough sleep every day and am now in a middle of an 9-day working spree. For me, 9 days in a row is actually a lot. I didn't work like this in the last 5 years or so. Thanks to my depression and gaming problems. Even now I can see my old depression raising its head but I think I can manage it. I mean - it's not like I feel depressed but more like anxious or panicked all the time, as I was telling the other day. Writing here actually helps a little, because it feels like writing a semi-confident diary. Well, I am writing basically about everything in my life here but are there some people to catch me off guard or to attack me by that? I beg to differ ;)

I have been doing cycling a lot in these last 10 days now and I hope I can hit the gym soon again so that I won't lose too much weight. Even playing guitar feels fun again. I have felt no direct cravings to game in the last 25 days or so. I think things are going pretty well for me now, even if I feel bad from time to time. Now it's time to watch a new series that I found from Netflix. It's called Timeless. I would recommend this one to everyone fascinated by both sci-fi and history.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Days 41-43:

Monday: I started the week with just working, was feeling anxious as hell and was also a bit afraid of the doctor's appointment, that was scheduled for Tuesday. Didn't succeed well on sales that day so I was feeling down after work. No cravings for gaming though.

I decided to keep an eye on cravings for now, since it's been noticed here, that reaching 40-50 days and soon after, it's really easy to relapse.

Tuesday: I had the doctor's appointment. My diagnosis was, as I succeeded here before - panic- and anxiety disorders. I wasn't shocked by it, I was relieved. I got a medication and started taking it already. I think it's already working it's magic on me (or it's just the psychosomatic effect) and I am feeling better for now.

Wednesday (today): Woke up at 8 o' clock. I was feeling super duper dizzy and tired when I was trying to get up but somehow managed to drag myself out of the bed. Went to work again by cycling - against the wind on the lakeside cycling route. Horrible, just horrible. I felt like dying after reaching work :7_sweat_smile:

Today I managed to do a bit better on sales and also have been feeling super good physically. I also got to use my russian language skills at work because there was no one else capable of speaking it and the customer didn't speak any finnish or english! I felt good afterwards and boy, was I proud of all the work that I used to do to learn the language!

Tomorrow will be the last day of the 8-day working spree and then I will have a day off, finally! I need to figure out the best ways to utilize my spare time then!

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Days 44-45:

It seems to be a pattern now that I keep on not writing on the days, when I am bored or when the day is overall just dull and empty. It doesn't mean that it's a bad thing or something really negative - the situation in my life is just at a point, where I am working on a good basis for me to bounce from next autumn. I have been walking on my place for too long now and it's time to make a change in my life. Obviously, that's one of the reasons why I am still here in this community and not playing games. 

I haven't been having any significant cravings for gaming lately anymore, but the vision and possibility of gaming in moderation still haunts me. I want to get rid of those temptations. Of course not having my PC here to relapse on, helps a ton.

Today was special in that sense, that I was able to do a full gym workout. I haven't been able to do that in the last 3 weeks now, because of my condition. 

I ran out of episodes from the new Netflix series that I was watching and now I am just browsing aimlessly on all the on-demand platforms that I can come up with! So frustrating when I can't find anything to watch! I think I just might not be open-minded enough to just start and try something from there. Most of them must be good at least in some sense, after all. I don't even know what I am writing here now - feels kind of like doodling on a notebook but in some fancy way this is helping me relax.

I think I am gonna grab a cup of tea and enjoy the crimson sunset over the lake. Trying to get back here tomorrow (to tell about nothing, but to tell about nothing, even though it's nothing.)

What a fancy quote I just created there. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Days 46-51:

It seems I am over with the first half of the 90-day detox already.

In the last 3 days I started craving for gaming once again. I went through some gaming-related conversations with a fellow salesperson at work and it really made me crave the social aspect of gaming. My social life has been only a shadow of what it used to be after I quit gaming. In that sense, I was left completely alone and with a void to fill. I don't have a girlfriend or any company to study in. I need to fill the void by myself. This is my biggest obstacle for now and I think that writing this here also helps me deal with the situation and understand it deep down. I am telling myself - DON'T RELAPSE!

I'll now have two days of freedom to kill - or to enjoy rather. It's an enjoyment even if I don't do anything. Thanks to the new mood enhancers. Probably I will head for downtown and find some activities or just hit the gym.

I don't want to think about gaming anymore... Somehow the subject always lingers to my mind - be it via a friend, co-worker, etc.. Why am I baited so easily with such a subject? I am actually asking now, while thinking about the whole thing, why am I actually intrested in chatting with and getting to know people who are still doing gaming, sometimes even to a problematic extent? I think it has something to do with their personality, which is still very much similar to mine. I think that because of gaming in the past, I nowadays represent a noble, kind and spirited person. Not to mention the ambition. The people that I get drawn towards, represent these same qualities.

I was actually writing the previous line in bold on Tuesday evening, when my computer suddendly decided to crash. Hence the break of 4 days in writing...

I had two days off and I feel more energized now - ready to take on new challenges for the week. Now facing seven straight days of working at the store. Also found a new way to make my guitar sound a lot better for me. It opens many possibilities for me to carry on my path to become atleast some kind of musician.

Returning here again in the weekend. I am on day 51 already, wow, what a journey has it been.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 52:

HA! Remembered to log on! About to go to sleep, but leaving my trace here anyway.

Started the work again today and the day was a regular day, maybe just a little less people there than normally. The day went by really fast and eventually I made it home like 4 hours ago. I started watching a baseball game soon after and then was trying to compose some music.

Tomorrow I need to work again. The day will be shorter than normally, but I am expecting more clients, which would mean more deals, which would mean more profit.

Nothing special then, I guess. I had no more cravings during the last 3 days now so I think it was just a passing feeling, that I had back in my old post. Tomorrow I will also try, if I have enough willpower to hit the gym directly from work. So far I couldn't do it but now I feel that I might be able to do it easily tomorrow. There will be a celebration about that in the next post if it's a success!

'Til next time...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 53:

Working on consistency, so better check in and just write something.

Today was Day 2 / 7 of the working spree. I promised celebration about the gym yesterday, so here it is: I DID IT!

I was already pretty exhausted after the day at work so I went home first, collected my stuff together and headed for the gym. Then had an awesome workout without feeling any dizziness, nausea or anything during it. It was like a dream coming true again, because for over a month I wasn't able to do such a workout because of my condition.

Anyway. Now heading to sleep, tomorrow is a tough day too. Maybe not hitting the gym then though.

Oh, and cravings-count: zero.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/9/2018 at 3:27 PM, JaniP said:

Today was Day 2 / 7 of the working spree. I promised celebration about the gym yesterday, so here it is: I DID IT!

Great job!!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...