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Chris

Unfortunate turn of events

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Hi everyone,

I have been active user till I am not really sure, I guess till september last year (I tried to check this, but I did not found my old posts), and I was not playing games till that time or even further. I remember that it was like 300ish day of absence to games. Now I play games every weekend again, but here is my story. I wanted to share it with you, because it is painfull sometimes to remind it, so maybe it heals a little bit my mind.

I was having stressful job, but to counteract it, I was involved in lots of physical activites to calm me down. I was ignoring the fact that I could really change my job and make myself easier, but I did not do it. From september to december it was REALLY stressfull and I ended up very tired mentally and physicaly I could not sleep at night and my heart was acking really badly. One night I thought I was dying, because my heart literally would jump out of my chest if it could. The same day after couple of hours strugling with that I went to a doctor and EKG show that there are some electrolite disturbance, but my heart is fine. I was frustrated as hell, because It was horrible and doctor would not recommend anything for that and just sent me to cardiologist. For the first time in my work, I stayed at home. I started to play games and watching videos on youtube, because I could not stay calm. Cardiologist said that she cannot tell that my heart is faulty, but she asked me about my personal life and I told her all and she said that I should change my job and my problems should dissolve. Of course she gave me some medication to support my recovery, but the time between transitioning to other work was horrible. I could not sleep, my heart was pumping like crazy, and I went to doctor several times, and nearly everyone ignored me, saying that it is, because of stress and just reduce your stress... omg really? Thank you for great advice. I realised that I had none literally to help me. I talk about it with my relatives, but it was not good decision too. My good friend helped me to stay on this planet, because I wanted to die at certain moment. The day when I told my supervisor that I want to quit, was really changing my situation for good. For the first time in decade I cried like a baby saying how bad I was feeling in this job, I could not stop that, I was ashamed, but it felt good. At the end of conversation, for the first time in months my heart was calm as it should be. I realised that I'm going in the right direction. I had to work still couple of weeks before I transition. I found a job that I would really liked to do and I had a friend there, so I was certain that this job is not that stressfull as my own. I was really into staying in the present moment, because thinking about past and future, make me feel really bad. Videos with ekhart tolle really helped me to understand that concept.

To make (already) long story short that was the best thing that I did in my life propably. I really like my job now, I am doing what I always wanted to do. My health is I could say stable, but sometimes (I guess due to adrenal exhaustion) I have this unpleasant bursts of fear, anxious, heart pumping, but it is really short and I can sleep relatively good. Usually I walk in nature to calm me down, I cook as healthy as possible and try to be in present moment, as often as I could. I play games on weekends now. I do not play from monday to friday. It is easy to me, because before I went 100% absence I was doing the same thing for a very long time. This one thing that really bothers me and frustrates me at the same time is that I really need to be carefull now in everything that I do. I could not excercise for now, because more intense work makes me feel bad afterwards. I need to sleep a lot more than everyone else. It is hard. I play even calm games to not get overly mentally tired because it could make me feel very bad afterwards. I dont drink alcohol and dont eat processed sweet things, because this get me ill pretty quickly. I am living sometimes like a monk and thats really strikes my ego, that everyone else is living their live and I'm just beeing. And sometimes it is hard for me to stop. I mean I have so much ideas to do and I do them, but most of the time I have to slow down to not get too much excited about something, because it could end up in anxious fatigue. I hope everything works well and I would come back to sports. If you read it so far thank you for your time and attention,

cheers Chris

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