Jump to content

NEW VIDEO: 7 Years Without Gaming: 5 Lessons Learned

iamthemithras

Relapsed but now I'm back (long post)

Recommended Posts

Hello all, and thank you for having me here. I was away for a long time from the site but it's not like it's a big thing.

First of all, thank you for choosing to read this.

Upon checking the journal I left here, it looked like I was able to quit gaming for a month before I relapsed. That was back around the end of September. I was in a bad place and I think the stress I experienced made me "crave" for that "high" I get from playing. I still remember what game I relapsed to this day, but I'd rather not mention which lest I tempt someone in this site.

A big part of why I started to play video games again is I convinced myself (at the time) that video games themselves are probably not my problem but something bigger. After all, not all video games are mindless time sink to waste life and miss opportunities. Some, for me, are great story telling mediums than actual games like Visual novels and adventure games like Telltale's Walking Dead, etc. That's a very loose term for video games as there are a lots of kinds for it but I think the core of the matter why I wanted to stop in the first place is that I keep wasting too much time playing games like and it's ruining my life.

I thought my focus was wrong. I was playing the blame game - I don't HAVE to give up games because the problem isn't gaming but my control of myself. While I don't believe I was wrong about that, what I was a fool thinking just because I realized that now then I suddenly got it all figured out and all I need to do is to not play too much. Keep enjoying life with video games, just don't lose sight of your passion. Not bad advice to myself, and at first I was able to do it. I was still working out and practicing my skills as an artist at the side. Life was getting better but it's when things went south again in my life that I find myself going back to those destructive routines.

Right now I'm currently depressed and stressed right now (but not like when me and my family were kicked out by our landlady back in September). My friends at work are quitting work and I'm getting surrounded by people I don't like. Plus my work schedule is going to be really shitty as management is making me work 8 pm to 5 am on weekdays, but 11pm to 8 am on weekends! Jesus Christ, I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to adjust from the weekday shift to the weekend, and how I am going to schedule my gym workout. Now because of the stress, I find myself playing too much online video games - every free time I have I'm spending it playing this online game I enjoyed a little at first but is beginning to feel like a pay-to-win. I actually wasted my entire off days on this damn game! Good thing I haven't spent any money on it yet. It's when I know I'm hooked on a pay-to-win game that I know I'm really addicted. On top of that, realizing I'm wasting so much of my time on this game even made me more depressed that I'm actually searching for that "high" - i'm still playing that game and I'm getting fat wasting my money on so much junk food because of stress eating, which makes me more depressed because I'm wasting this so much money which makes me play video games more and so on and so on.

It was sometime yesterday that I realized what a fool I've been acting. I thought I had control now. I thought I bested my addiction but stress me enough then I'll waste away again. I may not be a smoker or an alcoholic or even a druggie but I know I need help. Self regulation may not be enough for me, I don't know. All I know right now is if I don't try to quit again, I'm just gonna keep playing games and forgetting my dreams.

That being said, I don't want to stop playing video games at all. Well, I don't want to play MMOs anymore that make me grind and take away precious time, that's for sure. I'm convinced these sort of games are designed to keep you addicted. What I want is balance. I want to enjoy video games but not at the cost of putting it above my goals and aspirations. I don't want to spend an entire day or even 4 hours just playing video games, I don't want that kind of life. Video games are amazing, and I don't want to ignore the kind of experience some great games provide. I don't want to not discover the masterful storytelling of some of the greatest RPGS just because I'm an addict. I think there's a time and place for great games.

Knowing how I am right now, my best option is to stop playing video games again. Quitting cold turkey again. I don't know if this is the best course of action in the long term as I'm not convinced totally abstaining from video games is the right choice but there's bound to be better uses of my time than wasting my time and money on a game with pretty graphics but shitty casino-style gameplay mechanics and junkfood to numb the feeling of my dwindling self-esteem.

When I relapsed, I actually kept offline journals at my laptop. However, now that I am living alone and no internet connection I spend my time online at computer cafes where I have to listen to other addicts playing MOBA games, screaming like idiots.

It's a little hard to be optimistic about quitting as I know now that huge stress makes me want to game real bad (it's what made me relapse in the first place and it happening again made me visit this site) but while I don't think quitting cold turkey is the best option, I know it's the right one. Maybe that's all what counts, knowing you're making the right choice.

It was a month of no gaming before I relapsed. I don't know how long I'll last this time, but here I am.

Thank you for getting this far, I really appreciate it. I'll be continuing my journal I left here and I'll be making new post over there soon.

I hope to get to know some of you people better, and for those who sort of remember me and is still here I'm sorry for not keeping in touch.

My current goals at this time is to improve and get the physique I want, improve my skill as an artist to draw a webcomic one day, and learn Japanese. I'm still going to the gym and practicing my drawing for an hour when I'm at home. I stopped studying Japanese but with the extra time not playing games I'll be focusing on studying now.

For recreation, I've actually been watching some great anime and reading manga. They're mostly romance though. I'm beginning to think the reason I'm not getting the physique I want is because I'm losing more testosterone than gaining it! lol

I also "play" visual novels and I still will, as for me these are basically glorified choose your own adventures and not exactly "games" that require more than making dialog choices. More importantly, watching anime, reading manga, and playing visual novels don't make me want to spend an entire day doing them. I'm not addicted to them. Plus, they're very related to my goal of learning Japanese and drawing manga.

I just realized I'm writing too much, sorry. Thank you again for reading, I will continue on my journal.

Thank you for this website, Cam and everyone.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That was very long, I think your creation of thoughts around gaming, life and your sense of self. You beat up yourself very often in this, are you aware of that? From this writing it seems, that you are person with sense in your life, you workout, you want to be good in art and you want to learn japanese. That are solid structures. Even the games that you pick aren't about 100% procrastinating, so you are making concious decisions. You are not wasting your time, you are going in certain direction. Perfectionist mind could, really f up your life. Without mistakes we do not grow (as muscles when you go to this one last rep of "failure" which ultimately it isn't really a failure if we all know what benefits gives us) mentally, the real mistake is when there are no mistakes at all, because everything stays the same. Beating yourself up could be worst for your body and mind than an actual problem. Thinking is just a processing thought and not You. It is a chemical reaction nothing more, it is not you. It is just idea (false idea often, because it involves comparision to others, whereas everyone is unique), that you deside if you believe it or drop it. I work with this to. And 99% it objectively isnt true but situations sometimes seems to affirmate this, but I always try to see this from wider perspective and it is hard.

Keep it up, cheers

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Chris

Yeah haha, once I get my thoughts in order I really tend to drone on. Many times, out of topic even.

I didn't realize I was beating myself up. So, you think I'm too harsh on myself? Thank you for the encouragement, it's really great to hear from someone else that I'm a person with sense in my life and am currently still on the path of my goals. Thank you, I feel I needed to hear that.

That's great advice about thinking. I admit, I still tend to compare myself to others especially to those of my generation I know are much more successful than me. I'll also endeavor to see things from a wider perspective.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I compared myself too, to my best friend for couple years. I always though that he was "succesful", because he had a girl, a bike and a car, good grades in high school, had job and a lot of friends, he traveled a lot and did really cool things. Recently, when we talked about everything and anything, he shared some really bad situations that he had in his family and with his health. I realised then that I saw only outer shell of his life and didnt really aware what struggles he had without even mention to anybody. So I think the best way to compete is not with others, but with yourself, beat your own records, your weakness, flaws, because there are no identical personas that really comparison would make any sense at all. 

I'm glad that somewhat helped you :) best wishes

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Chris Thanks for sharing that about your best friend. Whenever I'm in the gym, I keep noticing that I feel bad because the other guys around me have bigger shoulders than I do and some even have their abs showing where I don't. Looking back on it, I know the jealousy is affecting my performance. I'd like to think right now that I started out way weaker and worse looking than I do right now. Recently, people I know even keep pointing out the gains I made where I only focused on how great and stronger the other guys at the gym look than me. I guess it's true, I too want to focus improving and competing with only my own records and limitations right now. Maybe that's the key to reaching my physique goal much faster.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×