ThatFrenchGuy's Field Study

[Cam Adair]

A lot of powerful awareness happening here. Stay strong. You're being confronted to do the work. No more hoping or wishing, action is your only path forward.

[ThatFrenchGuy]

I'd like to take a moment to thank everyone who had the generosity and kindness to interact with me on my journey on the forums here. I came into this place very skeptical, and this forum has now become a moment of thought for me, where I forcibly cool down to gather my thoughts in the evening. I owe this to everyone here who pushed me to commit and challenged my thoughts. My experience on these forums has been quite a selfish one: I've never really interacted regularly with people online outside of games, and this is actually the first time I post in forums rather than lurking. In other words, simply posting on my own journal and not in those of others, it's just "my thing". I strongly believe that a key to the success of the journaling projects here is the social dimension to it, and I simply felt it was right to address my shortcomings on the latter and remind that I am both aware and grateful for the contributions of others in my journey. Thank you all.

Yesterday was a bit of a fuzzy mess, with nothing happening, so I'll skip over it, simply because I think my body pretty much shut down that day. Today was a different, wild, and terrifying day. Remember how earlier I stated that action beat overthinking and painful self-questioning? How I simply signed up to the driving exams on a hunch to give myself a deadline? Well I applied that today to another field. As I had said in my early posts, I've had an awkward, flirtatious relationship with a girl for about the past year. It wasn't really a depressing experience for me, because it was clearly obvious (to me and to most people around me) that she was madly in love with me. The issue was on my end, where I couldn't get my feelings for her straight, it was quite literally the definition of an emotional roller coaster, which proved quite destructive for. There was a time when there was a bit of a Cold War (avoidance - I'll come back to it), where things got somewhat hurtful: I'll spare the details (it's a case of me having an emotional dilemma ending with me just dying of stress and leaving - leaving miss with a severe case of female blue balls), but we ended up not talking to each other except for the occasional public (and embarrassing) shaming session from her end. (I'll come back to it too). At some point early 2018, I started talking to her again to get things under control. It was a "why are we still fighting over this" moment, wanted to start 2018 under a better light. Things came back to normal, but it was still clear she had feelings for me.

And I did see her as a possible date, but she had some red flags that I had learnt to be wary of over time: father issues and an overly attached mother amongst others. It didn't help that most of my faculty was seeing her from a curious eye after that earlier mess. With time, I narrowed down my emotional dilemma to a fear of commitment, and a delusion that all relationships were a smooth ride. I would obsess over her flaws, disregarder her as a polar opposite of mine (and she is in some respects), yet I share more in common with her than my previous so which I idolised for too long. We're both pretty arduous swimmers, we've both grown up with high-IQ/extreme introvert issues, we're both sensitive to cinema/music/literature (although she's superstitious and a dreamer, as opposed to me being a logical and rational science freak), we actually agree on food (cannot understate how much this was an issue in previous relationships, heh), etc etc etc.. But I digress.

So a few days ago, I did what I did with the driver's license exam, and on a hunch, I just asked her out. Now yesterday I was terrified the entire time, going down the emotional roller coaster again: "Dude, the fuck have you done" "Not this again" "Don't mix hookup with dating" "She's still sour with your friends, this will pull you apart" "Never stick it in crazy". I drowned my stress in Netflix (god bless) until today when she came over. It was somewhat awkward at first (then again I hadn't interacted with a close friend irl in about a month - I'm one of the last still at campus), but it ended up being a good time for the most part.

Now that the time is over, my mind is going full speed again. And I'm torn again by two different viewpoints. On one end, I feel like this "Cold War" we've had (and I did enjoy the peace and quiet) was simply me avoiding issues instead of facing them (as with gaming): avoiding her was the easy way out, while denying her advances felt like cowering from what could obviously become a fresh point in life. I drew a parallel between how gaming pushed my away from opportunities (which can be painful and difficult, but produce good results) and how avoiding her meant I didn't want to at least try it out with her, simply because it wouldn't be perfect and without issues.  I mean it's not like I picked a random girl and dated her because I could, it's someone I know quite well  and at the very minimum found attractive and good to be around - and I knew it was more than reciprocal. In essence it felt more like I was uncertain about the issues I'd have to face (and thus would avoid the prospect entirely) rather than my feelings for her. As with gaming affected my life, it could be that I was afraid of the path and it's difficulties, rather than the goal itself.

Then another part of me thinks that I'm just ignoring the months of thought I've put into the question, ignoring red flags and past experiences to - quite bluntly - "think with my dick". She has the red flags I mentioned, I'm embarrassed because of the reputation she has from her outbursts in public, she doesn't get along too well with my friends (we used to be one single group before the whole "Cold War" happened), and she's very immature on certain things (while being very mature on others - typical high-IQ young adult issues though). I kept pointing out these flaws to myself as clear indications that she was not dating material and that I should use this as a rational and thought-out conclusion to my emotional dilemma. Yet I can't seem to stick to that conclusion; and it scares me because it could either prove or deny that statement. Either it proves that I feel something for her that's worth trying out, or it confirms that I'm just acting out of emotion and running straight off a cliff.

Either way, it terrifies me, because it leaves me confused, vulnerable and mentally exhausted. Moreover, I don't get a "second chance" because I've already abruptly left her hanging because of my breakdown. So yup, a good day with sensations I haven't felt in a while, but which unfortunately leaves me with no less questions than before, and the risks are much higher.

To be honest, I'm somewhat happy that putting an end to gaming has let me rekindle with my love life, yet right I feel as if it may not have been worth it given how exhausted and terrified I am right now. My previous relationship was a few years ago and lasted for quite a while, so yet another part of me believes that I've just lost my touch with my ability to face the fears of the early moments in relationships.

I'll end this post by asking this: is anyone willing to share how putting and end to a gaming addiction has affected your love life? I'd like to hear other points of view. I don't know, maybe I'm obsessing over something that's normal, simply because I've lost my touch from my time dating my PC.

Adios

[ThatFrenchGuy]

A lot of stuff is going down, the grandmother's at the hospital, booked a flight early next morning, and I'm questioning quite a few things at the moment. Basically, it's a mess, I'm a mess, but I'm going home, away from my desktop, back to the grandparents with some fresh air and free food. I think I've been putting of a "breather" break for too long now.

Will post again once all this gets sorted.

[ThatFrenchGuy]

I'm not dead!

I've arrived in Brittany safe and sound, got to see the grandparents (who are doing fine apart from old age itself - suffering relatives would have been anything but a breather) and my parents for the first time in quite a bit. My mother and I quickly got to the usual bickering, but we're getting along alright for now. My father and I are still extremely upset over the way I'm handling my internships. As with many things with life, I do procrastinate a lot. However there are also a lot of areas where my progress is hindered by my parents not being able to agree on something or "procrastinating" on it themselves. To take an example, I've been talking to my parents about a special procedure which allows people to pass the driver's license in about a week, and I was asking them if they were OK with me going that way rather than the long traditional route (I asked them since they pay a part of the fee). They haven't discussed it a month later among themselves and dismiss my attempts to bring the issue up. But oh boy, when it comes to stuff my parents need me for, I have to be at the ready and willing no matter what. It's really frustrating at times. Anyways, back to business: my father and I were getting quite worked up about how I managed my internships, and I refused to wish him a Father's Day, subtly letting them know I knew what day this was, and that my silence was intentional. I'm genuinely good at being an asshole because my father and I were the only ones who remembered that Father's Day just happened. Anyways, here I am smug about myself while my father goes back to the US for work after just a few days back home, and a few days later I get a phone call with him landing me a god-tier internship. (If my dad were reading this I'd tell him that you're still proving my point - students don't get great internships without some networks...) Definitely felt like I had won the "Most Undeserving Son award" after that; I'm such a prick at times, it's insane.

Anyways, needless to say I was thrilled because that internship exceeded anything I was able to get through my anaemic network. Now I'm trying to send documents to my new employer over a 4G network shedding its last breath here in the countryside. Social anxiety kicks in and I'm genuinely ashamed that my email got send twice because of a network glitch. (Don't have wifi down here). Oh boy. Got a phone call tomorrow morning to set terms with the employer and I'm genuinely terrified too: I've never felt comfortable with phone calls, event though I fit in better in formal work environments and have done many of these phone calls before. Some things never change it seems.

Speaking about things which never change: gaming! I had a few light games installed on the Mac, and I played a bit yesterday and tonight. Didn't feel too great about it, neither did my grandfather apparently. I'm happy to say however, that I was able to simply get off my ass and do something else today, and uninstalled the games and steam itself. At 60 kb/s, I'm not getting any game going any time soon. To be fair, I did a few things that I felt good about lately. I painted a room in my grandparent's house; between sanding, priming, and painting, it's more work than it seems, but it feels good to give some love back. I've also started reading a book called "40 Ways to be Miserable" which is a MUST READ to the point where I believe it should be a sticky on this forum. It's a hilarious, engaging, and deep satire of the countless self-help books that are out there - by stating everything you should do (and most likely already do) to be miserable. The ultimate do-not-do guide. Beyond the humour which makes it enjoyable to read, it has a wide range of relevant and pertinent advice.

Speaking about giving back some love, I think I did need this breather, because I've cooled off from the initial relationship panic. Yes, we do have our differences, and yes, we're very different in many aspects, but I've had a good time and am looking forward to spending some quality time with this girl. We have a lot in common to make up for our black and white contrasting character. Regardless of whether this works out, I must admit that loneliness is a powerful drug: no accountability, total freedom, it gets to you after a while and makes you forget how much someone caring about you matters. It also makes you forget how much you have to give to others, and how much they can feel better from it. I deeply regret being an asshole to my father who works his ass off so we can have a roof and a good meal 24/7, so I can have a comfortable future, without having to worry about the basics and little things. I guess one way I can repay that is not fucking up this internship and keep pushing forward. I'm glad I could help my grandparents, given how saddening it is to see someone you grew up with struggle to climb the stairs or remember entire parts of who you are. And oh lord the food and gifts, what on earth have we done to deserve grandparents.

I think that's it for today. As much as I would have wanted to use the dying 4G connection as an excuse for not posting, it's definitely been a lack of discipline on my end, especially when I started to game yesterday. It does feel good to take you mind off everything for. a few days though. This whole internship thing has got my anxiety levels rising again, I guess that's what pushed me to post again. I've got a call to make tomorrow for work, so I'll try and leave the phone away tonight and stick to that awesome book I mentioned. As I said earlier, I've been putting off that "breather break" for way too long.

Oh boy, employer literally answered as I was about to post this. "I'll be in touch with HR and will update you tomorrow". Terrifying words to go to sleep with for my troubled mind.

[ThatFrenchGuy]

Welp, it's been a whole since I posted, although I'm "happy" to report that while I did relapse, it wasn't bad enough to affect me too badly. Not that I'm trying to draw excuses or use this as a way to legitimise my way back into gaming. That's not what's happening. Anyways, I left my last post stating I was stressed out by HR at a potential job. Well tonight I came back from my second day there, so I did in fact get the internship. The work is quite interesting, although quite "heavy" and tiring: I do CSR (Corporate Societal Responsibility) benchmarks which basically has me scouring annual reports of competitors to draw up a comparison and see how our company holds up. It's nothing fancy but it's a good entry into the corporate world and the content itself is interesting; and to be honest I get a basic salary (better than nothing) and there are definitely less interesting first jobs/internships (it's anything but a "copy machine and serve me coffee" job).

But I'm still the same person I was before. And even with these positive things going on right now, I can't help but obsess on the negatives: "You don't fit in: you're a low-duration intern trying to fit in with a close-knit team of older veterans"; "you're job looks cool for a student, but you're still doing their annoying paperwork - and you're still slow at it"; "The commute is shit (ignore that I'm working in the only skyscraper in Paris with an insane view and that a lot of people have it worse than me)"; "I feel exhausted when I get back - the 8am to 6:30pm hours sure aren't university hours; I feel depressed after two days on the job"; "You look like an idiot trying to hop past security because you don't have a badge yet (ignore the fact that there is literally no way to get past otherwise while the badge is being made)". You get the point, as usual, I can't help but feel sorry for myself and now I find myself in a situation where I have to be disciplined to be able to take full advantage of the three to four hours of free time I get in the evening. It doesn't help that I'm at my parent's apartment to avoid having to rent an apartment which I can't afford. So after 4 years of living alone, I'm back at home having to follow house rules ha ha.

But there are many things I could do to be smarter with my time:

• Read in the metro if it's not overly crowded
• Limit TV/Laptop when I get home and take full advantage of offline activities which are more fulfilling
• Stay in touch with friends to avoid feeling alone (it's pretty bad right now - there's literally no one I know apart from my parents)
• Do what I've read in the book I mentioned before, and write down every night 3 things that made me happy today/things I ddid good to refocus on positive things that happened
• Sort out some of the difficult relationship issues I've left hanging
• Go out more - we grabbed some ice cream with friends and took a walk in Paris - it was a nice break; but hey it's kind of shit when alone
• LEARN TO MEDITATE MEDITATE MEDITATE
• Get a calisthenic workout schedule going so I can get at least some exercise in at home

Anyways, it's a bit of a new beginning, it's a shiny coin (quite literally, a nice job in an expanding and comfortable company) that's rough around the edges (I'm more alone than ever, I have to live with my parents - then again I'm happy to have them when I get home, for a while at least). I've just got to learn to tame my biggest weakness - my tendency to just give up and feel sorry for myself. I've got to stay on my feet and learn to explore this new world to make the most of it.

Oh fuck it, there's a cute show about puppies, I'll watch it for a bit, it's good for morale!

But hey, I'm repeating myself, but man it feels good to type here and get drowsy thoughts off my head. See you soon!

[ThatFrenchGuy]

Went to a meeting at the ministry of the environment this morning. I’ve got to stop bitching about things going on when I get access to stuff many could only dream about. While the meeting wasn’t the highest technical level, obviously, I felt like I understood what was going on and that I could easily have been a top contributor if I hadn’t been an observer representing the company I work for. In other words, it allowed me to explore first hand the workd of politics and the government, something that political science students like us have an idealised view of. In essence, I went into something amazing, and felt that I was up to par, that I was capable. It’s during moments like these that morale spikes up nicely.

The rest of the day didn’t go as smoothly. The meeting ended earlier than expected, so instead of taking some food outside on the way back (as I would be too late to go to the canteen with the others since I don’t have my own badge yet), I would now be on time to go to the canteen with the others. And yet I pruposefully extended my commuting path to arrive later at the office, and grabbed a subway sandwich - because I was afraid of social contact (because previous meals had been quite awkward, with me being pretty much silent in this close knit group). And yet I arrived just in time as they were about to go down, except I had a sandwich in my hand. I went to the office coffee room to eat while pretty much the rest of the office went down to eat.

At that moment my fears had beaten my will: I would be afraid of ending up alone to work in this company, and yet I would avoid engaging in social moments (or be extremely awkward and silent when I do show up).

Or maybe I’m just asking myself too much questions. When I think harder about the issue, it’s not necessarily that I want to be friends with them at all costs, they’re adults with their own lives and I’m appearing out of nowhere for a month.  I just want to make sure that they don’t take my awkwardness and shyness as “I don’t like being around you, leave me alone”. i guess that’s the paradox of social anxiety: you fear and avoid social interaction with people yet require social interaction or at least non-negative/limited relations.

Maybe they just see me as what I am - a shy teenager panicked from being dropped into some of his first jobs.

Maybe they see me for what I obsess about: I’m a weird antisocial teenager who wants to be alone and is offensive in his manmers.

It doesn’t help that I’ve hit a bit of a hurdle in my work, where it’s become tedious/muddled.

I’ve started a habit of writing down three things that made me happy every night for the day, a strategy I took up from my book. 

1. Well tonight I watched a very interesting documentary with my parents.

2. A cute girl was looking intensely at me every quite often in the metro while untying her hair. Maybe my suit was a mess, maybe I looked good, but it doesn’t matter. I felt good about myself.

3. I realised and am grateful that I, a simple 19 year old intern, got to attend a meeting at the ministry of the environment, where all other attendees were mostly aged corporate representatives and journalists, and felt I had the skills to take part. I might want to work there.

I’ll end this for tonight as it’s getting late, and sleep is of the utmost important. Good night folks

[ThatFrenchGuy]

I'll be honest, I've had a relapse yesterday, and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't post because of anything other than gaming. Had an argument with my mother - she had a point, but I felt so incredibly shit and down at the time that I gave zero shits about what she was saying. And obviously I dug into some games to drown my sorrow.... It's amazing how easy it is to go through the pain in the ass procedure of reinstalling steam and all the games if you're sufficiently motivated. Anyways. I did spend a good day yesterday, and I'll catch up on my "3 good things" from yesterday:

1. Went out to get some clothes, felt good to spend my income on something useful for once, and I got a nice bowl of fresh air on the way there (plus a treat on the way back ha ha)
2. Went to the cinema to watch a movie, and it was, once again, a relaxing time.
3. Went to the restaurant, and even though it wasn't great, it was a welcome change from the usual food.

Notice how my gaming time doesn't show up in the good times I remember from yesterday... Sheesh it really is an avoidance mechanism, and not genuine fun.

I don't want to speak about what happened today in detail, but it's the same old thing of a day wasted gaming away, avoiding arguments and issues.

I do want to point something out that struck me tonight, a reminder of my flawed thinking. This may seem obvious to others, but while it is rationally sound, it often still defines the way I act, and my relationship towards gaming.

The transition from a destructive lifestyle centred around gaming to a healthy fulfilling life is not a black and white turning point: it's an uneven, non-linear evolution which occurs only through a change of habits maintained by discipline.

• There is no "thing" which will miraculously solve your issues.
• While external factors may help, YOU are the one pushing the change.
• Awareness gives an opportunity for change. Discipline maintains it in the long run.
• Once you step out of addiction, your problem is not "solved". As with weight loss, you WILL break down if you bring your bad habits bad.

I keep kidding myself into believing that I can change and be the person I want to be without being disciplined. Yet I'm having genuine issues keeping myself on track (for instance, it's not that I do something I shouldn't because I consciously give in, it's because my bad habits are so rooted in they're unconscious).

And I just feel so incredibly alone at times. Quite often, unfortunately.

As usual, I feel like I'm fighting again my subconscious self, and I'm losing the battle.

Gotta keep pushing forward though.

Here's my 3 happy thoughts for today:

1. I pulled the plug on my relapse. Let's keep moving.
2. Had a good night's sleep and a generous breakfast, good for morale.
3. University mates told me I should run for the MUN presidency this year, feels good to be relevant.

 

Good night guys.

[Cam Adair]

The next time you're upset from a conversation with your mother or someone else, what could you do instead of going back to gaming? 

[ThatFrenchGuy]

To answer your question, I've been thinking a lot about meditation lately. I'm definitely known to be "rugged" and "rough around the edges" when I speak my mind or get angered, and I definitely got that from my mother. Meditation seemed like the obvious answer to these issues. It could be a way for me to take back control when my emotions start getting the better of me; not just when I get angry - it can apply to moments of panic, stress, and anxiety amongst other things. Perfect way to wind down for bed too.

I'd like to touch on something I've briefly mentioned before, but which increasingly becomes obvious to me. I've come to several conclusions through my journey on this forum: both in terms of good practices (sleep as the basis for everything else for instance) and realisations (gaming addiction isn't my problem, it's a symptom of my boredom/loneliness/anxiety). While these conclusions are substantive (i.e. they're concrete behaviour, the "meat" of the issue), I haven't really addressed the form (i.e. the "muscle" which allows the "meat" to move). In other words, I keep talking endlessly about what I've understood about my behaviour, what habits are bad and what a healthy lifestyle should be, yet I've very rarely covered the "how" to make the change happen.

I'll stop beating around the bush.

Discipline.

I lack it to a significant degree. And I bring this up now, because I've just realised how much my discipline has degraded lately because my routine has been destroyed by my change of environment. As stated before, I'm currently hitching a ride on my parent's apartment for an internship in Paris - I'm alone in a city I don't know without friends, stuck in a tense family environment and little free time due to lengthy work hours, horrendous commute and my own passiveness.

What little discipline I had before was in my adoration for routine. It structured my days through subconscious habits. Now that I've lost all my bearings, I barely have any discipline to sit down and try to figure my time out. I complain about not having time to do things I want to do yet allow myself to get overwhelmed by passiveness because I haven't planned my day to give myself a modicum of structure and commitment.

As a sidenote, I'm more and more seriously joining the military, either as a reservist officier or a full time contract as a translator. It's become more than simply a personal desire - one of the many options I'm considering when thinking about the future - but somewhat of a necessity. I'm hoping that I'd somehow learn discipline the hard way. And I'm at a point where I think I'd actually have an edge, because I WANT the hard way at this point. A part of me wants to go through the process of boot camp, getting whatever privileges I had stripped away and eating shit like everyone else. I WANT to be disciplined by force because apparently I can't do it myself, or at least not fast/reliably enough to follow the rate I'm moving at.

Tomorrow I'll use downtime at work to try and actually get some rules written down and I WILL abide to them.

I've also been toying with the idea of lending my steam/origin account to a trusted friend while I deal with my addiction and other life issues. But the whole mess of 2 step verification and email confirmation means it's more of a hassle for him and just a chore in general. I've also toyed with the idea of deleting mis team account, I just do not want to throw money down the drain.

I'll end tonight's post with the three things that made me happy/that went well today:

• Got kicked out of my office today at work, but I ended up back into my old temporary office: warmer, insane view, I can chat with nice coworkers, more privacy, etc. Nice. I had a good chat with my tutor, it goes to show that I take work far too seriously sometimes, it's okay to have a chat and a laugh every once in a while.
• I finally submitted my application for the presidency of ESPOMUN in 2018-2019. And instead of running rival with another student, we decided to run as a ticket - whoever gets the presidency takes the other in as Vice President to share the workload. It's a nice compromise, and she's fun and hardworking. Here's hoping we get chosen.
• France won the fucking World Cup. Need I say more? Well played Croatia though, you put up an excellent fight!

 

As usual, I might be turning in circles but discipline is the key to breaking the circle and turning it into a line leading forward. Unfortunately it's hard to gain alone. Again, I might not be the most selfless contributor to this forum, but I'm genuinely grateful for the discussions I can get here, and I sincerely hope that someone may find something useful or comforting from my mind-release exercise here.

Good night!

[ThatFrenchGuy]

Hello again. Haven't posted in ages. Betrayed the cause here, both for myself and the commitments I've willingly made here. I obviously haven't started posting here again without reason.

I'll make a quick rundown of what happened in these 6 months, it'll probably do me good too to look over what I've achieved and where I've failed in that time.

The internship I had ended with success. I got extremely positive feedback from my mentor and the overall experience was a very maturing one. The actual world of business is much more down-to-earth than what we're taught and the attitude is very different from what I expected. It did allow me to set a life goal clear - environmental policy in the business world is not what I'm looking for, and I can't stand how everything is based on the premise of making money. I just could not stand the facade everyone had as if they were working in the best company every, and how sales or communication employees were clearly putting on a show for clients. I've had some experience with the associative sector and NGOs, and while everything is a lot more chaotic, but the attitude was much better. It did also allow me to understand that an 8 to 6 job could actually be a good thing (if your free time isn't dominated by traffic) as it gives you the stability you need to explore other things in life. I also learnt that because of my intellectual gifts, I NEED fresh stuff for my brain to feast upon regularly. This has allowed me to somewhat hone in my career path.

Get out there guys, try things, you'll never really know otherwise.

My third and final year of my bachelor's degree started early September. I had met in Paris with the girl I've been having an awkward flirtatious relationship and it kind of cemented my relationship with her. It was a bit of bumpy ride at first due to "student politics", a bunch of gossip from others and some pretty nasty rumours from people I used to call my friends, I've cut them out of my life now and maintain a decent professional relationship with them. We have had one argument over this hard period caused by rivalries and some pretty mean stuff, but we've gotten over it, and I went from being interested in her to being straight out in love.

For the most part she's been an extremely positive influence on my life. She got me eating (mostly) healthy again, fixed my sleep schedule (she refuses to sleep after 11pm/midnight), keeps my away from gaming (more on that later) by spending time with her, saved my ass from an academic perspective (again, more on that later), amongst other things. For the first time in months, I felt truly at ease at times. Time I spent with her was the only time I really relaxed and took a break from everyday stress, in a way gaming never really allowed me to.

I'm glossing over many things, which I don't really have time to type for, to get to the point of why I'm here again. I've started this semester out with plenty of good will, lots of good resolutions, but no clear "how". I intended to start gaming again and somehow miraculously be able to achieve controlled consumption. It obviously never happened. Academic challenges, combined with the shitty environment provided by the pricks I used to have as friends, meant that I often turned to gaming. It didn't help that I (whether rightfully or by myself due to lack of attention) lost interest in my courses. Gaming meant my sleep schedule was pretty bad, my health deteriorated with my attendance, and my relationship suffered some hiccups.

Now it's exam period and I'm mostly up to snuff. I've caught up on most of the courses (thanks to gf) and revised for the exams so far (thanks to gf). I had an exam on Friday, which while not perfect was a clear improvement over previous semesters (I ran out of time rather than knowledge). So I celebrated by allowing myself some gaming time. Except it spilled over until 4 am. I slept until 11am. I woke up and gamed all day until the early evening. Then I hear ringing at my door. Shit, I had forgotten that my girlfriend was coming over agin (we had spent the entire week together revising because she lives further from the university). My apartment was messier than a trashcan, I was filthy, and I hadn't "woken" from gaming enough to calmly interact with another human being. And I let her ring ring ring in the cold while I just sat there, terrified to even move. She insisted for a good 20 minutes, she had tried calling me but I hadn't charged my phone since I started gaming - the battery was dead. She left and I gamed some more.

That's when it hit me again: we've discussed it at the hospital a while back and my psychologist agrees, from a medical standpoint I'm not addicted to gaming (I can absolutely do plenty of other tings for extended periods of time, I just need some other mental stimulus) but that doesn't mean it can't ruin my life. I had literally just shat on the one person who cared for me without judgement. I'd learn later that she had spontaneously brought a cooked meal (since she said she knew that I withdraw and barely on weekends, due to gaming) and brought her cat, which might as well be the best temporary cure for unhappy thoughts; the sweetest thing every when I know that she's an obsessive worker and would rather revise than stress over not remembering enough. She was naturally extremely pissed.

But I thought: "That's it, I can't keep on going like that. Gaming and procrastination cost my me last relationship, I'm not losing this one". My parents were by chance coming over the next day, and I told them to take my desktop with them when they would leave. My mother was thrilled and took it away for me. I'm down to my school laptop, with the filth known as steam wiped from the drive. Youtube now runs with the distraction blocker app on safari which removes videos recommendations.

I drove to Belgium and back for a few hours with my father to unwind a bit (oh hey, also got my driver's license, which is nice) and I moved forward with applications for master's degrees. I found a golden nugget in the shape of a dual master's degree in international relations and sustainable development from two prestigious universities in France and China. It's like it was made for me, but my grades need to be up there. I'm an excellent student, good when I slack off and game, but the latter isn't enough anymore. This is what I want, and I have to work to get there. Or else I'll be having my first experience of "you're not good enough to be accepted".

I talked it through, although somewhat passive-aggressively with my girlfriend, and we mostly got over it. She pretty much summed it up by saying that me having issues was not the problem, but that me refusing to upon up simply because my apartment was shit and I was looking like shit was the most retarded thing ever considering judging me is the last thing she wanted to do. "I don't mind the issues, I mind you refusing help" basically. She's a keeper.

So tomorrow I'm doing what I should have done a while ago: sitting at my desk for a few hours to set some rules and lay the foundation for a healthy life (food, exercise, sleep, etc) and actually have someone enforce them with consequences. I'm making my personal constitution basically and having my girlfriend continue to be the coercive positive influence she already it.

In the next few weeks I am:

• Revising for ALL exams
• Going to ALL exams
• Sleeping and waking at set hours
• Eating healthy meals at set hours
• Keeping contact with friends and family
• Exercising as much as possible at home or outside
• Exploring new hobbies to replace gaming
• Loving my girlfriend who cares for me even with her own stress and insecurities

 

Chances are what you want is right under your nose, waiting for you to discover it, and discover how easy it is to achieve it if you simply make the effort to get up and look. I also cannot understate how important it is that do you not go at it alone. Confessing on forums and sharing ideas is one thing. Being supported and helped by someone who intimately cares for you is another, far more powerful tool.

Best of luck in their journey to those who are and aren't reading this.