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-n.g-

Kill it with Fire and Brimstone!

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Awesome goalsheet, -Ng-, you seem like you got a couple things to keep you busy.

Thanks! We shall see how it goes over time to see if I need to tweak the system a little bit.

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Day 10

6.36pm à

Started the day brainstorming ideas and then making that laptop palm guard. did another round of vacuuming and then continued with my model again for the rest of the day. I am now finishing off the day with. I should start trying different meals instead of pasta,m sausages, salmon fillets and vegetables. I think I'll add another future goal which would be to learn enough vocabulary in french to write down some entries in french to help me learn, small steps though. The lack of games have managed to turn from dreams to nightmares is a bit weird. Anyway, nothing much going today, right now recovering from the overdoing it with enamel painting and breathing in the fumes, watching a documentary and about to eat dinner-breaded salmon with pasta and sweetcorn. Spending the rest of the evening drawing methinks. I had an idea for a schematic drawing of retro/punk things that seems ti be the current trend of today. I think something simple like a cassette tape should be a good start back into technical drawing.

 à6.49

 

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Day 11

 

5.14pm à

 

Drawings are under way but the cravings are hitting me like a speeding freight train, the less time I spend on the laptop browsing shit the worse it gets.

 

Still managed to get stuff to take my mind off things with frequent rests because I doubt much blood will go to my head bent over all the time. Drawings are under way, gave the model another lick of paint, starting the second tone on the body work. Beamer blue and pale cream seem like a good two tone combination. More vacuuming, I should start on dusting out my cupboards tomorrow. I am not getting so many rashes which is a nice change. I think I need another resting activity to fill up my time though (beyond cleaning), I have thought about getting a text-to-speech app so I can listen to long articles so that it doesn’t strain on my eyes reading all the time.

 

 

 

Here is something I periodically go back to reading http://www.dobelli.com/en/essays/news-diet/.

 

I came back to it once more regarding the matter of choice. I spent some time writing out some thoughts but most it matters not, because they are things that I already know but never thought about properly. The shortened version is this: I think we are addicted to choice and too much of it makes us miserable. Too much over stimulates our minds and we suffer from information overload yet we feel compelled to continue, we do not know what we want. The old rule still applies: less is more, but just like every rule, there are some exceptions.

 

G’night

 

 

 

à7.56pm

 

Edited by -n.g-

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I agree about choice. I call it too much "raw data". Even stuff I love, like history....there's such a thing as too much input, too much consumption. I've had to learn to be discerning...less of everything but higher quality.

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Day12

6.56pm à

Another plain entry, didn’t really sleep much last night and woke up at 9.30am. Part of the reason I realise that I cannot sleep much is because there is a slit in my door (it was installed wonky) that lets a lot of light and sound into my room. Some guerrilla glue, foam board and a scalpel should quickly do the job until I get out of the house- never really thought about it for a while.

Almost finished the first drawing, then an orthographic drawing. It has taken a little while to remember how to do it all-as well as not having the right tools, out of my own laziness to find them somewhere in my cupboard. Just cleaned out a bit of one just now as well as the top shelves of the rest. I have started feeling more joy in listening to music which takes my mind off bad habits.

 

à7.05pm

Two hours off the laptop, switch off electronics before I sleep. I have been reading 40 ways to make yourself miserable, which is an amusing. Dunno what to pick up next. Anyway I should good get back to cleaning for the moment.

 

G’night

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Day 13 (almost there)

6.42pm -->

IMG_2590.thumb.JPG.164256acbe0a967caaa03

 

Its not a great photo, today was planning for the orthographic drawing than anything else. I do not do any online stuff anymore, any thing in the past has prolly been erased by now. Most of the stuff have done at school is still at school... I hope they haven't chucked it, I'll think of it as a start to a new portfolio in any case. I haven't been one for digital stuff even though it is many times quicker. I think there are qualities lost in doing digital although I will retouch the finished work to send off by the end of the week, thin pencil lines don't come out well on print. Below is some old stuff I did when I was 17.

IMG_2591.thumb.JPG.cad8eabadb5b1d06cc1adIMG_2592.thumb.JPG.f487fa766b41e2f534978IMG_2593.thumb.JPG.c57260aec76f20b88a6f7

 

I loved colour, shame architecture school isn't a fan of colour and prefer to work on shape (that is why they wear black all the time) even though the world is defined by both.

I have been having over the years severe mental blocks which made it more difficult than normal to be able to work on and process information and think clearly. I am hoping giving myself another year out of school instead of rejoining the academic year in September will help me out of that. Either way architecture school turns even the most ambitious people into walking mental shipwrecks*. I am honestly not sure how I managed to play video games all while doing that. 

 

I am still struggling to establish a routine but its getting there I think.

I read that if I were given a lot of money every year to make myself miserable, what would I do? The reply someone came up with was that they were doing it for free right now so it shouldn't be too hard to think up.

So for today the one thing I can identify that would make me not going outside.

I'll switch off now and get that work on the door done. I am planning on buying an second hand A1 drawing board from someone so that means getting out of the house for the first time in months. I have missed a lot, best not to think about it. 

-->7.41pm

 

G'night

 

*60hours a week in the studio was the minimum, 90+ hours towards the end of the year. An average of 10 hours in the studio a day, weekends are just part of the working week. There is no time to decompress even if what you might be doing is enjoyable. My commute was almost 3 hours every day, morning routine would take up 1 hour and lunch was spent working. I don't recommend doing it.**

 

**Terry Pratchett fan, the man loved his footnotes.

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5.22pm -->

before I forget and go over my 7pm curfew

need a rest from drawing. back hurts from being so bent over (broke my chair). tomorrow will be off to get a proper drawing board second hand for £30 which will make everything a lot quicker and less painful (they normal go for triple the price). That means going out for once! the isetta has wheels, will be painting the top part for that two-tone look. found the youtube radio stations. no need for making a super long playlist. downloaded nvidia driver so I can work on CAD without it being to buggy, bloody ads popped about my previous go-to game, good thing I uninstalled it. Had another night with terrible dreams, finally gave in and made food at 1am and stayed awake to 5ish. missed the morning french, must do tonight

Lacking vitamins is makes me miserable and tired. so next to book a doctors appointment for some vitamins tablets. I should speak to them about my other problems, never really liked doing that though. They either assign me to a junior doctor who looks at my passed history and seems to come to conclusion that I need to be treated like a child despite being a similar age to them, or an old dude who's first recommendation are anxiety relief tablets-mainly because the mental health services are over-stretched due to "austerity" cutbacks or something dumb like that. I'll be honest think I will take the tablets this time round and forego the cbt for something more useful. I felt the person I was talking to went too fast, and I ended up lying a lot just to get over with it all and please my parents at the time who went under some illusion that I was suddenly better in a couple months, the things that went over- I knew them already, I just didn't know why I couldn't break not doing them (too much "raw data?"). Welp now I don't have to worry so much about parents, although they still have access to my accounts and have been withholding money saved. next would be to get control of that again.

for now I'll worry about the train ride to pick up the drawing board and back. 

I am tired today so perhaps I will flop on the bed at 9pm and not wake till 5am

 

--> 5.49pm

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Nice -n.g-, i try to take breaks from sketching in my notebook so i don't burn out. Ever tried taking potassium, stuff's good for the heart and according to my VA doctor it helps with depression. Hence, if your potassium is low you start feeling depressed.

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Day 15. ( 2 weeks!)

 

12.57pm

Felt a sense of accomplishment. Last night I wrote some more thoughts down but I think I will share them later, I do not think I was in the right frame of mind at the time so it might sound like an overactive melodrama. Walked out and bought me an A1 drawing board. This should put rocket boosters on my drawing, I always shied away from spending money because I didn't know what I was really looking for. I should have picked up one of these second hand earlier if I liked hand drawing so much.

I had minor shakes going to a place fairly unfamiliar to me, I tried to open up and sit up right and blot out the nagging pain in my mind. Music helped a lot I think otherwise I would have been a wreck getting back. It also helps to know that no one really cares too much, but it still doesn't stop me from being paranoid about what people think. I try to watch mothers playing with children because I know that their time is not spent looking near my direction and my brain goes nicely blank. 

There was an experiment conducted on people in isolation some time ago. Scientists found that animals developed a form of psychosis in solitary confinement, not really engaging with the rest of the world. They go quiet, they become paranoid and very self conscious of what they are doing. They become hermits and get out only when they need to. One day under stress they just snap and become more aggressive. Not a single animal was immune to this, and exactly the same thing was reflected in prisoners in solitary confinement who developed these attitudes in little more than a couple months. I have been plugged out of the real world for a year now, I am afraid I might have developed something like that to a lesser extent too (I wasn't bored all day in a unsanitary tiny room).

still I was able to make a conversation with a random stranger and pay them so it can't all be that bad. I do just remember the last time I did this though and now I am in the same place.

1.11pm

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7.05pm

Working is fun on this thing. faster, more efficient but I do work out how to tighten it a bit more, I am sure someone has worked out how to that. I spent time listening to an audio version of this book. My, am I professional at this! I'll have to switch off shortly but I thought I would share this before going to bed, and before it gets taken off youtube. I upscaled my plan some more as it was still too hard to so draw small.

I was exhausted from the trip too. I got out at 9.45 and came back 12.15, all for less than a minute to get a board with wheels and steel wire on it. This is the major one thing I detest about London, the city is so large it takes ages to get anywhere if you do not leave in the popular but pricey N, E, S, W, SW, NW, NE, SE postcodes.

There are three rings of life in a large city, one where you live close by everything in the centre however you must have a love people, claustrophobia and a lack of trees (unless you are wealthy beyond most people's wildest imaginations).

The third is a slower paced life, one which you sit back on the periphery of city life, venturing into the centre only for excursions with a short enough train or car ride to the places you wish to visit but far enough away to not have to face the hubbub and brouhaha that comes with life. You work in a shop in outer suburbia or a short train ride into an area just outside of the centre too (still bustling with life mind you), life is slow but pleasant and the perfect place to raise a family.

The second ring is Hell. You live far out of the city not because you like it, but because it is cheaper, your place of work is miles away, or sometimes close by but involving a convoluted route through a stretch of facilities off limits to shortcuts, it is car orientated but you do not own a car and it would be realistically silly to do so considering the inflated cost of parking and fuel and pretty much everything else that comes with living in a large city that advertises itself as being "open to the world*". This is the definition of the daily grind as the shear act of a long commute, walking, bus rides, the vibrations in train rides, people everywhere becomes exhausting. Add into the cocktail summer time heat and humidity and you have a recipe for misery. The pollution makes even the fit and able weaker and the constant feeling of being dirty after an 1 hour on the train never shrugs off my mind, previously every daily trip felt like an expedition. It is a young person's city, mainly because the burnout happens in a short period of time if, again; you do not live a moneyed existence.

Still, I got out even if that meant 3 hours of sleep straight after. I got a decent product for a good deal, there wasn't much point in haggling seeing as it was already a small fraction of the price and given the size of this thing that few ever have a use for, I imagine that I made the seller living in I assume their pokey little apartment quite happy.

Not going to the doctor for a proper diagnosis makes me miserable. I have been before and there was a small hint that they wanted to talk about the events since. Another trip is in order in the next 2 weeks methinks. back to work.

switch off to painting the top of the fabled isetta is in order before bed.

 

G'night

 

7.48pm 

 

*I cannot deny that there is no underselling of the point there.

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day 16

2.24pm -->

bed at 10 woke up 5. been had another power nap. Caught myself searching up rubbish on amazon, which I do not need. nothing much to report, just working some more (or trying to) they say it takes 3-5 days for a regularly sleeping pattern to take effect so I got a week more of this I suppose. I do feel less exhausted daily though. audiobooks, radio shows  and music are great background noise.

-->2.28

 

Not enjoying homemade meatballs makes me miserable. Saturday morning I will being having me some meatballs for lunch. I will make a booking for a doctors appointment this time next week I think. Tomorrow or Sunday will be the day I go out to the park, nothing hard, just 5-10 minutes and build it up from there over time. 

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day 17

 

5.24pm

 

Right, some chores I have been meaning to do done.

Next on the list: the big P for porn. Oh man, I really don’t like talking about this one. I do not know if I should put this goal off for another week until I make my sleeping pattern right which is already hard as it is, because I know that it will make things even more confusing having tried previously.

Nope, Tomorrow I am doing this shit, just march right through it, cut it off. Wish me luck.

Found and restored my phone. Downloaded a To Do List app but prolly won't end up using it. 

Also, no beam of light shining through my door any more, now it just looks like a halo-getting some draught seals from that, should keep out the cold in the winter too. Blackout curtains on my window to cover the other neighbours who turn on their lights during the night.

Another thing playing on my mind is the incomplete project I did at school just before I figuratively collapsed and didn’t bother going back. I have been thinking a bit about that, it was about [brain fog] the seaside. I was doing things wrong and not thinking clearly enough. It doesn’t help that there is a weekly meeting of things. That was in the past. Over the past few days I have been writing in my sketch book of a prevailing idea that I think I REALLY wanted to look at which was small, portable objects. Swiss army knives with lots of simple related functions that are well designed for a-on-the-go lifestyle-technology gets miniaturized, perhaps we should apply that to the other things. We only ever needed big houses to cater for the servants to make our lives easier and to store all the junk we have hoarded from overseas but times have changed and I think, at least in the West that a growing number of people place less value on materialistic goods.

If anything it will give me something else learning-based to do. I hate leaving these kinds of things incomplete and I think gaming only served to take my mind off that when I was stuck. That wouldn’t be a bad thing until I decided to make it make it one of the crutches of my life.

Right, fill the last big gaps in door, book shelf needs a complete clean and so does the next cupboard, clean windowsill. It is not cleaning Sunday but I think I need a break from drawing for a day.

5.55pm

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Porn is an absolute tough one for me. I find I have better success not looking at porn but not sweating the fapping if it happens. I consider it a moral victory of sorts...not the ideal, but an improvement.

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Well said -n.g-, drawing and gaming can't go hand in hand, its good to step back from one and open your mind up rather than consciously being all over the place with the other. Keep it up!

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Next on the list: the big P for porn. Oh man, I really don’t like talking about this one. I do not know if I should put this goal off for another week until I make my sleeping pattern right which is already hard as it is, because I know that it will make things even more confusing having tried previously.

Nobody likes talking about that xD. Just focus on what's to gain from quitting.

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Day 18

 

 

 

7.55

 

Bonjour, Duolingo du matin retourne!

 

What is that, a one week hiatus all because I couldn't be bothered to find out how to turn off the microphone exercises? They structure it like a game. I was never any good at languages but I am very good at learning video games! Can't be a bad thing if I get "addicted" to learning a language?

 

8.19

 

 

 

1.43

 

One word and one minute. You are stuck for ideas, so come up with one word and write it down. Or an action you want to put off, one minute and do it. Done. Now spend another minute doing something else, drawing or making words. Limit yourself to 5 minutes, then 10, then 15. Enjoy.

 

 

 

This method is something worth noting as a useful means of tackling procrastination. The trouble is that sometimes I can feel odd doing it, needlessly distracting and it never goes away. I think that sometimes it is a way of putting off something else far more important in personal wellbeing.

 

As of right now I have been meaning to get some other stuff off my chest but have been trying to finding the exact words for it. So far I have been writing and rewriting it over days.

 

I saw a link about sexual health but it was the introduction that interested me the most.

 

Someone’s wellbeing can be split into four segments:

 

 

 

Autonomy

 

Social Connection

 

Self Esteem (achievement)

 

Security

 

 

 

If any one or more of these are lacking for a long period of time then people become miserable. So under each title I wrote a list of things I was lacking and asked myself why and what I could do to solve it. I am still working through it but it has helped order my thoughts immensely.

 

Went back to learn French over lunch and slowly throwing out things I do not need. A tip I got was not to try and do it all at once, just slowly in small segments. I suppose it is to get over the sentimental aspect. Although I am keeping the collection of Horrible Histories books I read as a child. I don’t really have many other plans for today so I think I will just get back to drawing and starting out on my project.

 

 

 

G’day

 

Edited by -n.g-
Another goal set while I was clearing is to learn to make a roll up canvas wrap instead of just buying one, that means stitching

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