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Jay V
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I'm not a native english speaker, sorry if there's any mistake.

 

I don't understand how it works. When I finally started to feel good the cravings are hard to deal. I mean, more serenity more unsafety. Who's guilty this time? My gambler unknown father? My depressed-anxious mom? Genethics? How can I fight with this? More than 10 years gaming, I guess before that I was depressed, no hope no sense since my childhood. But now I was feeling happy, depression was just a light breeze. A frequent smile reflected my recovery. No, just another lie. The voice saying "this is not you", "you still have a void" "you need something else". Something that will make you stop feeling. Freaking league of legends is everywhere, every guy in his smarthphone, ads, people talkin about it, I try to talk to myself "It's normal, I can't associate this to gaming" Unconsciously I wanted to play all the time. I tried everything, writing my journal, lock my accounts, breakin bad habits, praying, attend to a AA group, reading a lot, gym, healthy food, antidepressants (zoloft, prozac, bupropion), psychotherapy, nothing works. I'm still there playing this stupid game trying to avoid my reality, my feelings, my mind. 

I don't need this, I don't deserve it. And now, my family is dissapointed, what should I do? Am I guilty? Should I feel shame? I'm just angry, There's no hope, another relapse. Beginning again, but why? How? A repeating cycle of behaviors. The same story, what can I say, is my life nobody can help me. I have this illness, I'm the addicted, the "forever teenager" the sad guy with no career, no motivation, no friends, worst: the man who destroys every little thing he had recovered with extremely effort.. Because self-steem is below cero, because frustrations are still there hurting and rememberin what I couldn't do, I couldn't say, I couldn't say No. I don't want to be normal, I want peace, inner peace but I think is it too much to ask. What's next? I don't know.

 

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I'm still there playing this stupid game trying to avoid my reality, my feelings, my mind. 

This is where the shift needs to happen. It's about accepting your feelings and not resisting your mind. What you resist, persists. When you resist, you only create more tension, which increases anxiety and cravings. Instead, you can accept that you are feeling the way you are, and then choose what you want to do, what is empowering for you and aligned with the vision you have for your life. You are bigger and more powerful than any emotion or feeling you're having, but accepting that you are feeling them is necessary to rise above.

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