Jay V 55 Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 I'm not a native english speaker, sorry if there's any mistake. I don't understand how it works. When I finally started to feel good the cravings are hard to deal. I mean, more serenity more unsafety. Who's guilty this time? My gambler unknown father? My depressed-anxious mom? Genethics? How can I fight with this? More than 10 years gaming, I guess before that I was depressed, no hope no sense since my childhood. But now I was feeling happy, depression was just a light breeze. A frequent smile reflected my recovery. No, just another lie. The voice saying "this is not you", "you still have a void" "you need something else". Something that will make you stop feeling. Freaking league of legends is everywhere, every guy in his smarthphone, ads, people talkin about it, I try to talk to myself "It's normal, I can't associate this to gaming" Unconsciously I wanted to play all the time. I tried everything, writing my journal, lock my accounts, breakin bad habits, praying, attend to a AA group, reading a lot, gym, healthy food, antidepressants (zoloft, prozac, bupropion), psychotherapy, nothing works. I'm still there playing this stupid game trying to avoid my reality, my feelings, my mind. I don't need this, I don't deserve it. And now, my family is dissapointed, what should I do? Am I guilty? Should I feel shame? I'm just angry, There's no hope, another relapse. Beginning again, but why? How? A repeating cycle of behaviors. The same story, what can I say, is my life nobody can help me. I have this illness, I'm the addicted, the "forever teenager" the sad guy with no career, no motivation, no friends, worst: the man who destroys every little thing he had recovered with extremely effort.. Because self-steem is below cero, because frustrations are still there hurting and rememberin what I couldn't do, I couldn't say, I couldn't say No. I don't want to be normal, I want peace, inner peace but I think is it too much to ask. What's next? I don't know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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