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The most stupid and retarded relapse at important time


Tom2
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Hello everyone. I'm here to write my bad decision.

I had never played games for 45 days, but I had been playing it for 9 days in a row.

I'm looking at my daily journals now... and I was doing quite well at that time. I did my best doing lots of university assignments, and team projects. I kept living based on my daily routine. I had been doing my best even though I was taking bunch of stress.

 

It was 9th of June(Friday) when I started playing again.

I don't remember what the trigger was. On Friday, I attended 3 hours of morning class. After that, I can't recall things that I did correctly. (Ah I remember one thing. I was doing another assignment. I was exhausted and depressed because it seemed like an easy thing, but it took couple of hours. I couldn't stand because I felt powerless) All I can remember is that I began to miss my gamer friend for some reason. There was no one that I can talk about my misery. I had my college friends but I didn't want to bother them with my problem. I had already told them my situation so if I tell them again, it would be hilarious and crazy. There was second option, this forum, but I didn't want to mess the forum because I didn't want to show my madness. I feel ... kind of alien to this forum for some reason... I don't know. It's complex....ak;fjda;s;fj; aiosjfdkaj de;fj ;iejf;i.. sorry. Anyway, I just wanted to log in and say hello. After that, I began playing like crazy again.

The most stupid part was that there were 4 final exams next week.(3 subjects on Tuesday and 1 subject on Friday) Of course I wasted the valuable weekend. I began to think. 'Should I start studying even now?' The answer from deep inside me was "no". I just thought, 'there's no point of getting small number of questions. Don't even waste your time going to school. If you can't get a lot, it's useless. Your attempt will only leave pain.'

I... am maybe ... I don't know. I don't know why I should keep living. I think it's fear that holds me back from killing myself.

For the same reason, I gave up the Friday final exam. I didn't go to school for that 9 days. I just ... didn't leave my room for those days. I'm sure that I will get a lot of 'F's. My friends at school called or sent messages to contact me, but I couldn't pick up my phone. I really don't know what to do during that situation. I just want to disappear like air. Nobody can see air, right?

I know some of you may laugh at me. I don't care. I deserve it. HAHA It's... confusing because I am writing a bad, crappy story but I feel funny. Please be generous to me. I was crying about an hour ago, watching Cam's video, thinking of my dark, black future. I think I'm not stable now. I couldn't sleep until 3 am yesterday. I turned off every light and lied on my bed, with my eyes open for 3 hours. I didn't take any drugs, alcohol, or anything that related to the mood. Perhaps it's because of the crying. I heard somewhere, people feel better after crying. It's funny because I'm both high, and depressed. But when I see my face with a mirror, I'm frowning. I don't know. Whatever, this is not the point... right..

After the spring semester, I ...

Wait a minute... I just wanted to share this thing. It's very interesting.

2017-06-21.thumb.png.a4230860cda94893432

 

2017-06-21_(1).thumb.png.52f972f5c835225

 

In summary, there are total 8 semesters in my university.

I was doing really great for the 2 semesters in 2013.

2 semesters in 2014 were soso. I got 2 F.

This semester in 2017, is soooooooooooooooooooooo bad. I think I should stay at the university for one more semester... (total 8 → 9 semesters or more)

There's no guarantee that I would be successful for the rest of 3-4 semesters.

 

It's not the point...

The point is that I have to learn something from this relapsing.

After relapse, things I've figured out are...

1. I fear exams(+ assignments) pressure. It makes me escape because I dislike sitting on a chair in a classroom, holding my pencil, spending time writing nothing or 'almost' nothing or something that's not correct. It's so painful to acknowledge that I'm no longer smart in civil engineering subjects. It's also painful to acknowledge that I'm not that efficient like I was studying my favourite subjects such as Korean, English, biology, and programming. My favorite subjects are gone, and never going to appear on my curriculum anymore. It feels like I was riding a motor boat but after some time, the motor falls off and I must only use a paddle. I have to face the problem and do things that I can grasp, one by one.(It's easy to tell but hard to do for me) But my low efficiency, or my lack of aptitude is making me so slow. There are tons of things to review, and practice. It sounds like an excuse, but it's overwhelming. In the next figure, I'm on the 'anxiety' section. That's the exact description. It's hard to get rid of perfectionism from my brain. Perfectionism and escapism are usually at the same place, in my case. I become so weak when I figure out that I cannot finish the required amount of study(or assignments)

Challenge_vs_skill.svg.thumb.png.f0ab11b

(from wikipedia)

2. I fail also when I have a lot of time. Especially when it's holiday or weekend. I still found myself using Youtube videos or websurfing as relaxation, or reward. As it gets compulsive, the time left disappears and the situation goes #1. It's procrastination. Why do I procrastinate? Because I'm not interested in civil engineering. Then why don't I change? Because I think it's too late. Plus, I don't know what to do to earn money in the future. Then I should just shut up and study! The answer is clear! My problems come from running away! Let's be brave this time. It's time to act, not just thinking, and justifying.

 

3. I miss my gamer friend. Well, I don't know. It would be so comfortable if I can just delete this person like removing games from my laptop. It didn't happen a lot during my 45 days of half-detox. It happened almost once a week during 45 days. I think it's not a big deal... because the main boss is 'perfectionism and escapism' duo. I don't have a specific plan for this. I should check Cam's video again.

 

 

 

My summer break plan

As my brain is so empty and clean, I'm going to fill it up. It's preparation for the next semester, and total review for the past ones. I'm not going to read every textbooks. The summer break is almost 2 months. It's short. I'm going to prepare for a civil engineer certificate, which is easier than the university level exam. To get the certificate, I have to cover every chapters of every subjects, so it would be a good opportunity to review the curriculum. The test will be taken early in the next year, so I also have winter break.  My goal is to get proper grades in autumn semester by preparing civil engineer certification test. Speed is the key. I won't study too deeply. I can't get hired at a huge company because of my spring semester. But it's okay. 

2017_plan.thumb.png.da672f9632dffcea814e

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Hey Tom,

I wanted to make a response to this separate from the daily journal. Let me restate that I really empathize with your situation as that was my life for the past two years. I want to share my experience/"wisdom" with you and hopefully it can give you some clarification in your own life.

First, let me say you should NOT kill yourself over school. Relapsing was NOT stupid or retarded. Shit happens. You seem like you don't have all the tools at hand in order to fight back against shit happening. That doesn't mean you shouldn't quit video games. They probably are a source of a lot avoidant behaviors. However, while you do a 90 day detox, you must also find and/or make those tools for yourself. Maybe it will even take more time than that.

Second, let me appeal to your sense of urgency. School should be your number one priority right now. Quit video games, and study. It doesn't matter if you fail, if you don't even try, it will feel even worse. Try and talk to your professors and to academic advisors (and financial advisors if your apartment/food/water is being threatened). Asking questions will help to clear your head. Work with the people closest to your anxiety. If you're worried about class, professors are the best people to talk to. And you're probably paying them a shit load of money to answer your questions and work with you. Take five minutes to write down all the things you need to do. Everything that comes to mind. Just put it on a paper or in a word document. Prioritize it if wish. Then go down the list and start checking them off. It might help to order them from easiest to hardest/shortest (time to complete) to longest. If you need to send some emails, do that. Five minutes and email. Five sentences to break any ice and get into contact. "Dear Prof, I'm Tom, a student in your CE 341 class. I'm currently worried about my performance on the finals coming up. Can we meet so I can ask questions on the subject? Thanks! Sincerely, Tom2". You can (and maybe should) ask them how to study.

Next, a "just do it" mentality may help you for this term, but it sounds to me like there are much larger issues you might want to address. It sounded like you weren't satisfied with your degree. Hell, maybe you're not even satisfied with college. There's this quote from a show I like (called Bojack Horseman) that says, "It takes a long time to realize how truly miserable you are. It takes even longer to realize it doesn't have to be that way." That's a good summary of my experience. If your major or college doesn't feel satisfying, if you're not reaching for the goal because you want to make to a difference, then you're never going to put 100% into it, even at it's most pleasurable and exciting. So don't. Stop. Take a break. Find yourself.

I went to a university right out of high school. What a horrible financial mistake that was. This year was my fourth year and I'm only at junior standing. I'm looking at about 30,000 USD in debt (about 34,327,000 Won according to Google). I did it all because it was my mom's dream for me to go college. I wanted to be a computer scientist which perfectly with all of my major interests. Eventually, I realized that I didn't know why I was doing it. I'm grinding away and getting half-baked successes and many failures. What's the point, right? The most reasonable goal for myself seemed to be to work for a Google a year before burning out and having my current existential crisis then. What a shitty goal, right? My dream was to burn out after a year with Google. I was only in it for the money and for someone else's wishes. The dream I had for myself had no purpose and no destination. So I stopped. I'm taking a gap year to find myself, to volunteer, to travel anywhere that I can, to live I life I can be satisfied with, to make some real friends that have their own goals and ambitions, to get a girlfriend (who can hopefully be my unwavering companion), to get fit, to not eat college garbage, and to find a reason to own my education. I don't want to do it for my mom. I don't want to do it for the money. I want to do it because I want to progress society.

So I suppose take what I say with a grain of salt. I'm still in the middle of the journey. Truly though, you should live the life you want to live. Build the other parts of your life that are just as important. For friends, you can try and contact your gamer friend outside of the game. Make it a priority to be around people who support you and want you to succeed. Not having that is like you're missing half your life.

I digress... You can and will get through this. It is inevitable, one way or another. I'm not sure if you're religious, but that might help bring meaning to your life. If you're not, here's what I like to think. Everyone dies eventually. There's no reason to die early. Struggle and fight to be happy, in spite of the misery or boredom of life. Even people who are homeless and destitute can have moments of happiness. They can still have good days. So fuck circumstances. Happiness is attainable no matter who you are.

Sincerely,

Chase 

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It's not about the mistakes you make Tom, but how you recover from them!

I found I learnt a lot during my relapse, and it helped me make a more centered and focused attempt the second time around, so as long as you can learn something from this experience then it is not a total loss. You might find that even if you get Fs this semester, that next semester you might get As after the break and subsequent reflection! 

For the way ahead; just consider the alternatives. If you don't refocus on school and reattempt your studies, what will you do instead? What options are available to you? Will you still be happy or achieve your goals by following that path instead? It might put it in perspective that while it is stressful to study right now, you will start reaping the benefits in the next few years and have a lot more freedom.

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Second, let me appeal to your sense of urgency. School should be your number one priority right now. Quit video games, and study. It doesn't matter if you fail, if you don't even try, it will feel even worse. Try and talk to your professors and to academic advisors (and financial advisors if your apartment/food/water is being threatened). Asking questions will help to clear your head. Work with the people closest to your anxiety. If you're worried about class, professors are the best people to talk to. And you're probably paying them a shit load of money to answer your questions and work with you. Take five minutes to write down all the things you need to do. Everything that comes to mind. Just put it on a paper or in a word document. Prioritize it if wish. Then go down the list and start checking them off. It might help to order them from easiest to hardest/shortest (time to complete) to longest. If you need to send some emails, do that. Five minutes and email. Five sentences to break any ice and get into contact. "Dear Prof, I'm Tom, a student in your CE 341 class. I'm currently worried about my performance on the finals coming up. Can we meet so I can ask questions on the subject? Thanks! Sincerely, Tom2". You can (and maybe should) ask them how to study.

Next, a "just do it" mentality may help you for this term, but it sounds to me like there are much larger issues you might want to address. It sounded like you weren't satisfied with your degree. Hell, maybe you're not even satisfied with college. There's this quote from a show I like (called Bojack Horseman) that says, "It takes a long time to realize how truly miserable you are. It takes even longer to realize it doesn't have to be that way." That's a good summary of my experience. If your major or college doesn't feel satisfying, if you're not reaching for the goal because you want to make to a difference, then you're never going to put 100% into it, even at it's most pleasurable and exciting. So don't. Stop. Take a break. Find yourself.

I went to a university right out of high school. What a horrible financial mistake that was. This year was my fourth year and I'm only at junior standing. I'm looking at about 30,000 USD in debt (about 34,327,000 Won according to Google). I did it all because it was my mom's dream for me to go college. I wanted to be a computer scientist which perfectly with all of my major interests. Eventually, I realized that I didn't know why I was doing it. I'm grinding away and getting half-baked successes and many failures. What's the point, right? The most reasonable goal for myself seemed to be to work for a Google a year before burning out and having my current existential crisis then. What a shitty goal, right? My dream was to burn out after a year with Google. I was only in it for the money and for someone else's wishes. The dream I had for myself had no purpose and no destination. So I stopped. I'm taking a gap year to find myself, to volunteer, to travel anywhere that I can, to live I life I can be satisfied with, to make some real friends that have their own goals and ambitions, to get a girlfriend (who can hopefully be my unwavering companion), to get fit, to not eat college garbage, and to find a reason to own my education. I don't want to do it for my mom. I don't want to do it for the money. I want to do it because I want to progress society.

So I suppose take what I say with a grain of salt. I'm still in the middle of the journey. Truly though, you should live the life you want to live. Build the other parts of your life that are just as important. For friends, you can try and contact your gamer friend outside of the game. Make it a priority to be around people who support you and want you to succeed. Not having that is like you're missing half your life.

I digress... You can and will get through this. It is inevitable, one way or another. I'm not sure if you're religious, but that might help bring meaning to your life. If you're not, here's what I like to think. Everyone dies eventually. There's no reason to die early. Struggle and fight to be happy, in spite of the misery or boredom of life. Even people who are homeless and destitute can have moments of happiness. They can still have good days. So fuck circumstances. Happiness is attainable no matter who you are.

Sincerely,

Chase 

I really appreiciate your advices.

I've never thought about reaching professors. I will try this when my autumn semester starts, especially when the hard moments come. I moved to my hometown this summer, so I think writing e-mails is possible now. "Shit load of money"... yeah, I wasn't aware of that. :) 

The next thing I've been thinking for a while is whether I'm going to keep studying or not. As I don't have something else to do instead, I'm going to keep this. I may find something that interests me and pays me someday. But until then, I wanna try more, even if I can't be a perfect student. I want to push myself to focus more, not like the spring semester, peeping around to make excuses.

About taking break, I don't want to stop now. Instead, I'm going to learn and practice the way to deal with my stress. I'm going to be more generous to myself. In fact, stop doing what I do is scary. Someone can say that it's important to be brave. But after thinking about it, I decided to make progress slowly, rather than looking around. There's reality and life, so I can't ignore it totally. I've been studying and preparing for the next semester and certificate since I wrote this relapse post, and I think it's going well. I don't have grief a lot like the spring time. I want to try again, from slightly different perspective.

I watched some videos recently, of some people who chose what they love, as their job. They said, it was fulfilling and satisfying at first. However after long time, they've got stress from their job, and couldn't enjoy it anymore. It sounds weird, but they said, if we choose whatever we love as a job, it becomes obligation, and makes them not to love the things anymore, ironically. After watching couple of videos saying the similar things, I started to think that doing what I was doing can be a good option. The only thing I have to practice is knowing that it's ok to make mistakes and failures.

If I fail again in autumn because of the same academic issue, then I will quit then and change my route. In this case, the definition of my failure is not getting low grades. If I give up trying and run away from my problem, then I will sentence the situation as my failure.

Again, I'm really grateful to have your advices and stories. :) 

 

P.S : This reply is also the reply to @giblets I guess. I read your reply after I wrote this one, and my answer would be similar. It took an hour to write this, as I'm not a native... Please don't think that I consider your reply as a small thing. Thanks giblets! I'm glad to hear from you.

Edited by Tom2
P.S
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