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RyanGQ

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DAY FORTY SIX (HABITS DAY 6)

Morning Ritual - I still need to work on getting up at the right time and meditating. I'm gonna do it tomorrow, I've got my alarm set and my clothes and everything ready.

Reading - I finished "The Way of Men", which marks three books this month. I've got to admit, the book went off the fucking rails at the end; it wasn't that great. A lot of the insight about human's evolutionary history was slightly interesting, but most of it boils down to little more than theory with no context, and you'd be better off reading a textbook, because Jack Donovan doesn't write very much more entertainingly than a textbook anyways. By the end of the book, he's basically just rambling about the state of globalism within the economy and feminism destroying what it means to be a man, and that we have to start "forming gangs" and collapse the system or some crazy fucked up shit, basically justifying or endorsing that a violent, tribal based society is what men not only thrive in but desire. It's the same "grass is greener on the other side" mentality that people who claim that humans were happier in prehistoric times like to tout, not realizing that giving into consumerism and massive group-think ideologies that the global corporations like to brainwash us into is a CHOICE, and that there are many ways to be happy without having to indulge in our violent primitive urges for the "honor" in it, or whatever crazy shit he was talking about. He goes on about how activities that men partake in today as outlets for our aggression are basically nothing more than "masturbatory" and that it's "not enough"; things such as martial arts (which he talks about as little more than a pretend substitute for fighting), working out (a substitute for "real" work within a survival scenario), and even video games, which he almost touts as if they're more "manly" than anything else, as they allow us to express our violent urges vicariously and experience "death", if even digitally.

Much of his writing stems from an aggression against homosexual effeminate males and females in general, and it didn't take me long to find out that the author himself is a fag who used to strip at a gay bar in New York. Not that I have anything against fags, it's just that he claims to be some other sexual orientation in which he's only attracted to what basically boils down to "manly men". Knowing this, it's clear that the book is fairly biased and influenced by his sexual attraction towards big, testosterone producing hulks, and that in many ways, he's clearly insecure about his sexuality to some degree. I'd give the book a 2.5/5. Not the worst thing I've ever read, but it basically amounts to little more than a long blog post with some good one liners that leads into a bunch of theoretical shit about the downfall of society and how it's important that you and your "gang" start to "seize your perimeter" before that happens. ROFL.

Hitting up Friends - Check. Me and Joseph are gonna go party tomorrow at the club he works at - sounds like fun. Probably gonna spend the night at his place and work on music or something. Gonna be lit.

Homework - About to finish LA assignment, won't take long.

Writing (by Monday) - Check. Still working on the mending of blog posts and journal entries. I think I've got it down to a basic formula at this point.

Jogging - Weekends are my days off, and I'm gonna be up and about a lot tomorrow, not to mention working out. It really sucks having to get out of the house in this weather. Roads are icy, I can see my breath, etc. 

NoFap / NoPorn - I've abstained from looking at porn since Friday and I think that I'll be able to make it a lot longer. Getting my brain off of porn is the first step, quitting masturbating is another. Even on that note, when I said that I was going into NoFap, I didn't mean that I was ever out to quit entirely. If you go onto one of the NoFap threads on here, I posted something about it. Basically, I think that masturbating is perfectly normal and healthy, especially if you're single. I'm just trying to limit how much I do it, and extend the periods of days that I do it. I'm still trying to find ways to do that, and trying to stay healthy and proactive is one of them. Talking to girls is another, that I have to start working on. I've been single almost as long as I was in my past relationship at this point, so I think I've officially hit the point where it's time to move on. As it turns out, after having a girlfriend, approaching girls never gets any easier. Being comfortable around them does, but that first step doesn't. I just need to stop thinking about it so hard and focus on the social aspect of it, without falling into the one-itis traps of having "crushes" and obsessions over girls that I've never talked to. Hopefully tomorrow will help with that, since I'll probably have an opportunity to talk to a bunch of girls (who will possibly be drunk) who I'll likely never have to deal with again. 

Anyways, that's about it. I don't know when I'll be hitting up my next book, because as much as I love reading, it's time consuming, and I've got some larger projects that I've got to work on. I still don't know when my SAT is being rescheduled so it's more important I focus on grades and working right now than reading, especially because at this point it would only be for pleasure and procrastination. I'm still going to try to stick to some sort of goal, and with my 600 page long fiction novel I've got sitting next to me, I think I could spare a chapter a day, but nothing past that. Anyways, I'm still trying to get my mom to get some vitamin supplements and I've been eating healthier (to a fault), and things are overall looking good. I'll keep you guys posted. 

END.

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DAY FORTY SEVEN / FORTY EIGHT (HABITS DAY 8 OR SOMETHING)

So I'm not going to go down the entire rundown like I usually do, because I'm writing this in math class. It's ok though, we were all just handed our homework because we have a sub, and it's not anything I won't be able to get done at home.

I missed writing yesterday because I ended up going to a friend's house and we went to a party that we didn't get back from until 10:30. Low and behold, the night was really fucking weird. This wasn't just some house party, this was an employee party at the place he works, which just happens to be an upscale "athletics club" for rich people. I didn't know a single person there, and most of the people there were adults. It was really loud, crowded, and I was also high as shit, so I don't remember doing much other than just eating food, playing blackjack with my friend and some other random people at the tables for a really long time, and then awkwardly meandering around for a bit beforewe bounced. I went to bed as soon as we got home and now I'm at school.

I can't wait to go home and have things go back to normal. Even my friend who works at the place said that the party wasn't what he was expecting at all. It was a formal sort of thing, and we basically went wearing what we wore to school. Luckily enough I was too out of my mind to even care about anything that was going on around me, so it's whatever. This all took place in a town 40 minutes from where I live, so it's not like I'll have to deal with any of those people ever again. I felt more out of place than I ever have in my entire life at that party. Lots of drunk people; I remember some dude trying to sell me a credit card? Who even knows.

Anyways, I just wanna make it through today and start things back to normal when I get home. Get things back on track and get ahead on the work I've been missing out on. When I was at my sister's house, she had a little slip of paper on her sink that read, "If Brittaney Spears can survive 2007, you can survive today," just above a picture of her with her bald head and her angry smile towards the camera. I thought that was kind of funny, and it's true. 

Anyways, I was informed by a friend of mine today that my ex-girlfriend is with a new guy now. He said he looks like a weirdo, but that's none of my business. I don't know, maybe it's just a thought that I didn't wanna have. It makes it feel a lot more official; that we're not just broken up, but she's officially found someone else. I'm happy for her, but I just don't know what to think about it. The fact that we still never talked face to face kind of still bothers me. It's whatever though, I'll forget about it. I think I just feel bad about it because my stomach hurts. I don't know what the hell I ate last night, but something tells me that lots of cookies were involved.

It's common knowledge that it's easier for a girl to get a rebound than it is for a guy. One of the self development guys that I follow came out with a really good video the other day that talked a lot about breakups and stuff, which really helped. I already watched it like twice. After I write this, I'm gonna delete all of our text messages and remove her contact from my phone. Come to think of it, I don't know why I never did that. Part of me tried to come up with a logical reason like "you're gonna wonna look back at it in the future and laugh at it" or something, but I feel like now, being more honest with myself, I just didn't want to delete them. Like it wouldn't feel official if I did, but it's time now.

And speaking of time, it's about time I start taking all of this more seriously. No more smoking weed, and no more skipping days. To be honest, I didn't really want to smoke weed, but I just said "why not?" and ended up doing it. I'm officially sick of it though. It's not fun anymore. I honestly just feel bad about it, and I can feel that weird tingling feeling all over my body that you always get afterwards that makes you feel really weird. Being sober is the best, never smoking again. But yeah, taking this thing more seriously. I gotta start talking to more people like I said I would, starting tomorrow when I don't feel like a dead sack of potatoes. 

It feels like the end of the challenge is coming towards me faster and faster. I'm just now starting to realize, now, that none of us are just in this for the 90 days. When I went into this, I thought of it as more of an experiment than anything. But I've come to find out that this was never just about "getting your mind off of games", it's about change. That's what we're in here for, so here's to that.

Hopefully this didn't suck too bad, and thanks again Cam for being so cool. Hope you have a good one too. I'll write in this again when I get home maybe, when my head's clear. 

END.?

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I'm just now starting to realize, now, that none of us are just in this for the 90 days. When I went into this, I thought of it as more of an experiment than anything. But I've come to find out that this was never just about "getting your mind off of games", it's about change. That's what we're in here for, so here's to that.

100% man. :)

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Late night thoughts: I got in touch with some friends and talked to my sister. I'm feeling better about the whole situation, and I'm ready to hit it back into gear starting tomorrow. There are still some things that I have to find out about the SAT and stuff, but my overall goal is to just be more positive and outgoing. I felt really sorry for myself today, and it's time to quit it. That's not going to get me anywhere. If I've gotta hit this shit from ground zero, I just gotta do it. No excuses.

I watched a lot of videos that helped me get my head back into a good mental space, and it just reminded me of how thankful I am to have the internet. With my dad never really being around, I never had a good role model to look up to. Luckily enough, I was born into a time where you can find amazing, inspirational people who are out to help people in my exact situation work through emotions and offer a hand to reach out to. It's weird to say, but without the internet, I really don't know where I'd be. For most of my life, the internet, through online gaming, was my outlet to the outside world, in one way or another. I've learned so much from so many people that I never would have even imagined existed, through digital pixels and speaker sets. It's a crazy time to be alive, man. That's something I've got to be thankful for. Just about any problem you could ever have can be solved just by asking nowadays.

So just a quick reminder to everyone reading this: learn to manage your own emotions. I'm gonna start to try that more starting tomorrow by getting back on track with working out, getting my vitamins in me, and most importantly, getting back into meditation. Meditation is like a mental workout, and the more emotional turmoil you're going through, the harder it is. Try meditating after a breakup - it's literally almost impossible. But the harder it is, the more of an indication that you need to get your shit together. And coincidentally, the harder it is, the more worth it it is when you finally get it right.

On that note, it's late. I should get some sleep. Night y'all.

END. 

PS. Is it true that only people from the south say "y'all"? Do people from other places think that's weird? Everyone here says it, lol.

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my overall goal is to just be more positive and outgoing. I felt really sorry for myself today, and it's time to quit it. That's not going to get me anywhere. If I've gotta hit this shit from ground zero, I just gotta do it. No excuses

You've got this man, I believe in you. You're not a victim of your circumstances, you're a hero of your own story. Check out the documentary Finding Joe when you can. 

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I just read you big post Ryan. Whoa! I applaud your honesty, this is reflection on a whole new level.

Identifying issues is the first step to addressing them, and you've identified numerous ones! You're doing yourself a great service by owning up to those faults.

All the best for quitting your substances and moving your life forward in the way you desire!

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Thanks for all the kind words. I'm gonna do a two day update tomorrow because I wanna start working on something right now and get into the flow of it, and I don't want to fall behind on anything. Big projects coming up, and from a lot of what I've been through, I've been inspired to do something I've been anticipating attempting for a long time, and I'm serious about it. Already got an outline going, so stay tuned.

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All the best for quitting your substances and moving your life forward in the way you desire!

Thanks. I mean, in my 17 years, I've only smoked weed 5 times over the course of two and a half years (6, but one time it didn't work at all). I've never drank and never hit a cigarette either. Never done anything else, really. And I've always been conflicted with the two frames, one being that, "you shouldn't need substances to be happy, it hinders social progress, hurts your motivation and self confidence, keeps you from feeling joy sober afterwards because of the increased level of stimulus that can't be reached naturally (almost like quitting games has for a number of people who were hard addicts), and it ultimately holds you back from your hustle / grind". The other school of thought was "hey, it's just this once, just go have some fun, everyone else is doing it, you're a smart kid, you won't get caught, what's the harm?" And I don't regret that I tried it, I'm happy that I had the experience, just to know what all the hype is about. But after all my experience with it, I'm much more into the first school of thought. I've been there and done that, and it's just not worth it. Being happy being sober is the best feeling in the world. Not something that drugs can bring you. It's a dirty high, like watching porn was (which I still haven't done in a pretty long while now, gonna keep that up). It feels good in the moment, but it leaves you with that sense of shame and embarrassment after you're done. Anything that makes you feel like that can't be good for you. It's a shame that so many people get sucked into it, almost making it a daily habit. I'd never judge anyone for doing it once or twice as something like a campfire story that was a one time thing, but when somebody builds such a dependence on something like weed or other drugs, it goes to show that they're trying to fill a void in their lives that they haven't learned to fill with things like hobbies, passions, and healthy relationships. And I get it; breaking out of that's hard, because I've been there, just with games. And readjusting is even harder than quitting, so it takes a lot of courage for people. That's really why addiction shouldn't be treated as a crime, it should be treated as an illness. Just my two cents.

Edited by RyanGQ

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I really love what you said about the challenge. The 90 days IS REALLY AWESOME and kind of fun, but honestly I could care less that I quit games. It's just easier to tell people I'm sober from games than it is to say, "its day 43 of me deciding I'm going to apply myself and discover better ways to enjoy life."

I understand addiction much better than I used to. Hopefully I can be there for someone irl to give support when everyone else might reject them. Also thanks for reinforcing the whole lack of substances thing for me, I do enjoy alcohol but at the same time I'm not sure it's worth how I after.

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I really love what you said about the challenge. The 90 days IS REALLY AWESOME and kind of fun, but honestly I could care less that I quit games. It's just easier to tell people I'm sober from games than it is to say, "its day 43 of me deciding I'm going to apply myself and discover better ways to enjoy life."

Exactly, couldn't agree more. Making a game out of the challenge is just a way to cope with what the entire point of it really is: to get out of bad habits entirely. 

I understand addiction much better than I used to. Hopefully I can be there for someone irl to give support when everyone else might reject them. Also thanks for reinforcing the whole lack of substances thing for me, I do enjoy alcohol but at the same time I'm not sure it's worth how I after.

Exactly. That's why it's important for people like us to reach out to other people on the forum that are new. If you go to the back logs of the forums, you'll see a lot of people who said they were going to commit to this and apparently didn't, or at least just stopped writing. And NP; those are just my personal thoughts, take it for what you will.  The way I see it is that people say "everything in moderation", but that's coming from the mindset of being "good at everything and great at nothing". If you're doing something that could potentially be dangerous and harmful in a large dosage, it probably isn't something that you should be doing in the first place. Obviously I have a bias, growing up with an alcoholic so I've seen what it can do to people when abused, so just be smart about it.

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DAY FORTY NINE AND FIFTY BAYBEEEEEEEE! (HABITS DAY 10)

Morning Ritual - I haven't been hitting this one up. I've got two alarms set back to back now, and I installed a crazy new alarm sound that's obnoxiously loud. With my phone sitting on the other end of my desk, I'll be forced to get up and turn it off. If I slip back into bed, I'll have to get up and do it again, so by that point, I might as well just stayed up to begin with. When your willpower is low, as it has been recently, you've got to find ways to force yourself. Plus, with my newly found goals of being more social, getting my day started off well, as in without feeling like a dead raccoon and actually hitting my 20 minutes of meditation, is a must. So I've got some serious leverage now.

Reading - I've done a lot of reading here on the forum, as well as reading through a lot of old writings of mine and introspecting on them. I know it's not excuse to not hit up my book, but I've already got so much reading to do for Language Arts class (like, literally, 4 articles with analysis and comparison) that starting a 600 page fiction novel doesn't sound very appealing right now. But as long as text is going through to these retinas, I'm alright. I'm not gonna forget how to read any time soon.

Hitting up Friends - Check. I talked to my friend who's been out sick a lot recently from school on Skype and we had some funny convos. Also, I sat with some friends at lunch and had some more funny convos. Fun times. 

Homework - I've still been bad about letting it pile up. I've gotten most of what I need to do immediately out of the way though, and with tomorrow being Friday and my mom being off work until this Monday, I've got some time to work on things like SAT preparation, college admissions prep, AP-course admissions, and the projects that I've got another week or so to get done.

Writing (by Monday) - Definite check. Over the past three days (well actually starting on Tuesday and finishing today) I wrote another three-and-a-half pages in my journal, as well as a three page outline of a book that I want to begin writing, that I've already started a half-page shit-draft of the beginning section of. REALLY excited to get the ball rolling on this one, because it's something that I'm doing not just to help actualize some of my experiences, but to help others as well. I don't want to give out too many details about it until it's more solid though.

Jogging - Haven't done it. I'll admit it. With the bipolar weather of Georgia that goes straight from snow and black ice to decently warm and sunny to raining and thundering seemingly overnight, it's been hard to find leverage to get out there and push my cardio. On top of that, working my legs in the gym three days a week always makes me either say "I'm working tomorrow, don't wanna get too sore to squat!" or "I just squatted, and if I jog right now, I'll fall on my face." I don't know if this is just logical or just a fallacious way for me to justify my laziness. We'll see where it goes.

NoPorn / NoFap - Still no porn, still fapped though, but definitely less than before. After what happened a month ago, I was going at it more than ever. Like two times a day or something (which apparently isn't a lot for some people? Seriously?). I've limited it down now, and I'm grateful for it. I feel more energized; more charged. I don't know if it's just placebo or not, but I feel like a 90 day detox from porn is in order, the same way it is for gaming, to see where it takes me. More importantly than that is learning how to get over my approach anxiety. And I'm not asking for tips, because I already know what I have to do to get over that: become more present, become a source of positive vibes, stop taking myself to seriously, and JUST DO IT (before you start thinking about it). One failed approach can ruin your entire day tbh. Not even rejection, the feeling of not trying. That's what eats at your fucking soul. 

Anyways, not much to say other than that. I'm thankful for nutrigrain bars and protein shakes. They're good. I need to get some whey protein, I heard that shit is fire. Also thankful for all that I've learned in life. And hot wings. I love celery.

END.

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DAY FIFTY SEVEN

So, writing this is kind of awkward. Somehow I let the time slip away from me and everything got out of control, and I ended up missing a week of writing on here. Whoops.

Anyways, what's been up? Where to start... Well, it's not that I haven't had a legitimate reason to not write for the past three days or so - I've been really fucking depressed lately. 

Last weekend went by in a haze (literally don't even remember what I did), and these past four days have been mind-numbingly and stomach-curlingly crappy. 

The habits that I've been trying to establish have pretty much gone down the drain in their entirety, and I'm going to restart them on Saturday, when I don't have tests and make-up work to focus on. I've fallen behind on some stuff, and since I don't have any real plans for this weekend, it's my best opportunity to get back on track and make it up. I know that saying that makes me sound like a broken record, but it's true. And since I've put off doing the major work review for my book for this long, and this is the last weekend before it's due on Wednesday, it's my one last chance to put in some real grinding hours before I have to start pulling all-nighters, which I really, really don't want to do at this stage in my life. I'll explain.

I don't feel like re-writing everything that I put on here, so I'm going to do what I've been doing on my Journal, but backwards, in a way. I'm going to put in the Journal entry that I wrote today and just commentate over what's been going on in it, in an attempt to give context to what's been happening (keep in mind, I've exempted some parts of the post just because they're too personal and parts of it are just too depressing for me to feel like sharing on here. I'll try not to interfere with the flow of the writing too much though). 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 I’m writing this in finance class, but I have a solid forty minutes to write before I have to go and finish this at home, so it’s not a big deal. Mr. Page is out today, and we have a sub, so we’re literally not doing anything at all other than sitting around doing old work that should have already been done.

It’s been five days since I last wrote in here, and it’s been a hard five days. Really, really fucking depressed lately.

(censored sentence). Negative thoughts are swarming my mind in such a capacity it’s like they’re turning my skull into their own personal hive. And it really fucking sucks. It’s like I know that I shouldn’t be thinking this way, and I don’t WANT to think this way, but after long enough, you find a sort of perverted pleasure in the pain and you just let it happen, and it’s sick. I almost got checked out today, but my better judgement got mom to stop at the last second before she rode off and got me. I’m lucky I did, because I would have skipped over some stuff in physics that would have been pretty devastating to have missed.

So yeah, I’ve been feeling bad about some shit. But luckily, I have writing to help me. Thinking back on it, this is the entire reason I actually started writing in these journals to begin with. Heh, that might explain why I’ve typed over 136 pages already. I guess I feel like shit more often than I should. I can already tell that writing is helping me get a better grasp on things though.

True. Writing really helps me manage my emotions. I'm happy to have finally found an outlet for it, other than gaming. I never realized how much it actually helps until I quit gaming though; for the majority of time I've been a writer, I've also been a full-on gamer. The combination of the two kept me from realizing the real effects of both individually on me.

I’ve tried to weasel my way out of the negative thought patters, to no avail. I’m starting to realize that the only real way to get this shit to go away is to just sit with the feeling, accept it, and let it pass. Thinking back on it, it’s just like RSDTyler said: eventually, you just get bored of your own depression. I think I’ll be fine tomorrow, I hope. I’ve already alienated enough people with my shitty attitude, not that I feel bad about feeling bad though. I’ve been through enough shit (not looking for pity though - I have a tendency to shut myself out and pretend I’m “busy” or “meditating” or “sleeping” to avoid everyone I know to not rub my shit off on them. I know that’s unhealthy, but I don’t know how else to cope with it).

My depression hits hard, but it slowly fades after a couple days. It's always been like this. I'm not going to sit here and pretend like it's chronic, but this happens to me every now and again. 

It hasn’t been too long since I wrote in here, but it’s been a week since I wrote on the game quitters forum, and I know that’s fucked up. I haven’t had that much of a blunder since the end of December (don’t worry, I haven’t played a game, which marks day 57 of the challenge, almost ⅔ of the way through). I guess the end of the month marks my man-period, if that’s actually a real thing.

But I’m going to write on there tonight, no excuses. I owe it to Cam and all of the other people who have helped me out on there. And it’s not just for me; I enjoy helping out those who are just starting on the challenge to realize what they’re feeling and give them tips to stay on track. You could always make the argument that you’re just helping others because it makes you feel good, which is still in a way selfish, but if human nature is inherently selfish, that’s about as good as being selfish gets.

Still happy to say that I haven't relapsed, and I'm almost two thirds of the way through the challenge. The thing is, is that I'm really not scared of relapsing. The thing about me, when I was a hardcore gamer, was that the vast majority of the games that I played in full force (and I'm sure most other people could agree with this) were massive multiplayer online games, like CS:GO, Hearthstone, and SC2 (some would also say League of Legends or WoW). I have absolutely no desire to go back into those games, because I realize that they're just rabbit holes that are entirely designed around keeping you playing, making you less and less content with every match you play. The ONLY game that I could ever see myself getting back into gaming for would be Dark Souls 3, and I feel like after the challenge is over, I'll have developed the skills to play that game without diving into it for 14 hours at a time (although the way I rationalize doing that is that it's better to waste four or five full days than waste an hour over multiple weeks, you know? Maybe that's just my addictive personality talking though, we'll have to see in March). The thing about games like Dark Souls is that they end. After you beat all of the bosses, get all of the armor you want, level your character up to the point where you can't level them up any further, do all of the covenants, mingle around in PVP, and then beat the game, there really isn't any incentive to keep playing. And I saw the video Cam put out about how "there will always be another game", but through my personal experience, I just don't see that as being true, at least for me. Because Dark Souls is the only other game in the past couple of years, really, that I've been super into that wasn't an online sort of game. I could see other gamers falling into games like fallout and call of duty and battlefield and such, but I'm just not into those like I used to be.

Building on that, I’ve had a weird drive to volunteer at charity organizations for some reason. Like, I want to go work at a food kitchen. This would probably help me with college applications, but that wouldn’t even be why I’d be doing it. I just have a real want to help people for some reason. Maybe it’s because I want something to help me see that it could always be worse; that there are people out there who would kill to be in my “shitty” situation.

(censored sentence)

To top off my depression, school has been taking a blunder. My grades are still alright, but I’ve got a test to take in history tomorrow and I need to read all of the material tonight, AND I’ve got an assignment that was due today in language arts that I didn’t turn in that I have to make up (yet Ms. Springer probably won’t even look at it until everyone turns in everything else tomorrow, so it’s no biggie, hopefully).

I’m going to have to finish the vast majority of the major work review for Nickel and Dimed over this upcoming weekend, which is going to keep me inside for a quite a while, but at least it will get me writing, thinking of something other than my situation, and actually give me something to work towards.

Yeah, I'm surprisingly not too mad about the fact that I have to do this entire big project in two or three days. Because projects like this, that have you reflect over the book, give your thoughts on it, and really dive into the themes and ideas the book presents, are what I like to do as a writer. Writing is a hobby but it's also a skill that you have to keep sharp - if you don't write a lot, you get shit at it. And I'm not talking about writing like this where I'm just venting, I'm talking about real writing, where you're considering every word with a specific purpose. It's also about momentum. If you've been writing a couple hundred words a day, when it's time to pull that grind session out and bang out a few pages, it's not as difficult. This is something I've tried to keep up for my books that I'm working towards writing, through both this forum and my Journal (and AP-Lang, of course). 

What I really want to be working on is my book though. I’ve made it through most of the outline surprisingly fast, and I’ve found myself writing in it for hours at a time. I’ll admit to myself that it’s shorter than I would have expected, but after I make it all the way through the outline, my plan is to go back through it, integrate more concepts that I may have skipped over in the initial stages, and then go back and edit all of it myself, before handing it off to Caitlin and Alex for suggestions.

So far, I’m happy with how it’s come out. It’s kind of straight to the point, but I think that’s how I intended it to be.

Whether it turns out to be a mastapeece or a piece of shit, I’ll be fine with it. It’s a good first attempt no matter what, and I’m excited to see what I’m going to learn through the experience of writing it, looking back on it. One thing I’m already starting to learn is that writing a book about a specific concept is a lot harder than just venting. When you’re writing something serious, and for other people, you go over every line of the book over and over and over again to make sure it sounds just right. It’s a stark contrast from our writings in language arts, that are handwritten in forty minutes over a subject that we’ve had literally no time to think about.

This is so true. Writing a book is so much more mentally taxing than writing a forum post or a blog. It's good for you though; lifting those heavy mental-weights is what keeps you from going crazy. Looking back through the book and seeing what I've written in it makes me proud, and I'm excited to see where I take it from here.

When Mac Miller said, “the more you do the less you wait”, I think he was telling us all something very true and profound. Goes to show that not all potheads are idiots.

Because for some reason, after starting to write this novel (that I’m still only 13 pages into - just over 6K words), I’ve had a serious compulsion to write my own fantasy novel as well. I’ve come to love the epic fantasy genre, whether that be in movies or in video games, and while I haven’t read much of it myself, stories like Lord of the Rings, Percy Jackson, and Game of Thrones, as well as my most obvious inspiration, Dark Souls, have really captured a place in my mind that I just can’t let go of.

It’s hard to come up with a theme and a world that feels like it hasn’t been created before, but that’s where the fun part comes in; the heavy lifting. I just need to find a time when I can dedicate more time to that. And when I say dedicate more time, I mean seriously. No more of this “dedicating time” where I’m sitting on the computer for two minutes thinking about something before going to check YouTube, Twitter, Amazon, and Twitch. I need to start budgeting my time and scheduling - really prioritizing everything in my life. If I don’t work on my schoolwork and my writing on 105% at all times, I’ll flunk both and end up feeling shittier than I already do. The clock is ticking and I’ve already lost enough time.

I'm trying not to sound too "doom and gloom" here, but a good bit of fire under your ass is good for you. Coincidentally, I was actually guilty of checking YouTube once or twice while writing myself into a wall on this blog post. I've gotten better at that though. I also check my phone much less frequently while working out too. Speaking of working out, I got a good workout in today, which is one of the things that really turned my mood around. Never undervalue exercise - your mind craves it.

The bell is about to ring, so I’ll be right back to writing when I get home, after I eat and pee, and other stuff, of course.

Alright, picking this back up at 7:30. I ate a lot of food, took some pretty long naps, watched some videos, researched some stuff, etc. Not really anything of importance.

Picking up where I left off, on the topic of writing books, I’ve also had a craving to buy a laptop. It would seriously be an awesome investment, which would let me write from the Barnes and Noble down the street, or the Starbucks, or anywhere else really. It’s something I’ll need for school, and it would help me do my homework anywhere in the house. Having a portable PC is something that I’ve been undervaluing for a long time.

I was initially planning on getting a surface pro 4, but it’s just not what I’m looking for. The kickstand functionality just isn’t convenient when you think about it, and while the build may be solid and the design may look sleek, for the super expensive price tag, it really just seems like they were trying to cram a lot of features into one device and it all just fell flat. The battery life is too short, it’s too small and hard to manage to use as a solid laptop, and it’s too large and heavy to use as a tablet. Not to mention, as someone who doesn’t do anything with art, the stylus and the writing functionality isn’t really something that I’d be using a lot if I’m honest; it’s more of a gimmick than anything.

I’ve looked at a lot of other entry level laptops, and I think I’ve found one that I might be interested in. It’s a 15.6 inch acer laptop with 8GB of ram, an i7 2.5ghz dual core processor, 1TB of storage, a 1080p HD touchscreen, and backlit keys. It looks reasonably sized, light, and it’s just what I need. It comes in at just under $600.00, which is $400.00 less than the surface pro 4, not even counting the $130.00 keyboard you have to buy with that, and the $40.00 pen that you have to buy if yours even breaks or gets lost.

I could buy this thing right now if I really wanted to, but I know that mom would kill me. I still have to save every last penny I have to throw in with the car mom is looking to buy me, which is fair, but at the same time, she’s telling me that she’s going to force me to buy an SUV. Beggars can’t be choosers I guess, and hey, it’s my first car: as long as it gets me around faster than walking, I’ll take it.

My phone and wireless keyboard will have to do for now, as much as that shit sucks.

Anyways, as shit as tomorrow is probably going to be with my history test and all, I’m going to try to make it through alright and then relax the rest of Friday so I can get to work on the Nickel and Dimed project. I know I always say that, every fucking time, but considering all of this Nickel and Dimed stuff is due on the 10th, I don’t really have a choice anymore but to just sit down and grind it out. Of course I have Monday and Tuesday night to do it in case I’m not completely finished, but I’d rather not take that as a fallback plan and just do what I have to do on time and have some free time on work days.

Getting straight to school work after school is a serious no-no for me. When you really think about it, school is a full time job: it's 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, plus commute and homework. With AP-Classes, it's actually probably more time consuming and mentally stressful than most full time jobs. I'm going to take Friday to make some plans and work on my book to get my head out of the sewer and get things back to normal.

It’s all about getting my life back on track I guess. With all of the things that I want to do with my time, I can’t afford to keep squandering all of it because I sleep all day and procrastinate my work until the last minute, therefore keeping me from working on any of the creative projects that I’ve had backed up for weeks and weeks and weeks. That mixtape that Joseph and I were planning on making is probably never going to happen, and if it is, it’ll have to be over the summer. Trying to work on one, and potentially two possible books, is enough work as it is. I’ve also thought about putting up some YouTube videos, or at least some testimonials and experiences for the GameQuitters website when I’m done with the challenge, but that’s a conversation for a month from now.

True. I've always wanted to start a YouTube channel, but I never knew exactly what I wanted to make it about. I'd love to make an in depth review of my experiences of the 90 day detox when I'm done with it though, so if that happens, I'll post it here on the forum, and if Cam wants to spread it around or something he can feel free to do so (or you, if you're reading this - lol).

On some deep level, I’ve been wondering if it’s the lack of video games in my life that’s been putting my mind off the rails. It’s strange, like, it’s really only been 57 days since I started this, and it feels normal at this point, but I don’t know. Maybe it’s like, I’ve been avoiding real life for so long, diving nose first into video games and video gaming content on the internet, and quitting all of it cold turkey was just too much to handle at once. Letting all of that go, and then getting dumped, and then having my own father move away without telling me, was just too fucking much for my mind to handle. I tried to shove it all on the backburner but it came back to bite me in the ass, bigtime. I guess I wasn’t as mentally strong as I thought; just numb and stupid, trying to cope with my problems through tricking myself into thinking I didn’t care about any of it.

(censored sentence)

Anyways, I’ve been thinking of making some plans again. I don’t mean with Jorden Morris, who at this point could be living on fucking Mars for all I know, but actually with Alex, Joseph, and Kegan. Even though Alex and I haven’t ever really hung out outside of school, and Kegan never really wants to do anything but sit inside and hide from everyone (or maybe he just doesn’t want to hang with me, who knows), I feel like those are the guys who have my back through thick and thin. I could say the same thing about Dorian, but his thoughts about some stuff are just too fucking far out there for me to handle sometimes. He hasn’t been through enough shit to really relate to someone like me, Joseph, or Jorden. And he makes too many jokes at my expense to be considered a real friend to me anymore, so that’s that.

Just simple plans. Eating at the buffet. Having a weekend study sleepover. Something like that. Just to keep myself from having another 64 hour long socially isolated weekend spree, where I don’t step outside and I don’t talk to a single person other than my mom. That shit is really fucking unhealthy for my body and my mind.

I’ve got to start getting out more on the weekends. Even if it’s just a walk around the block, I’ve got to fucking get out there.

Trying to be more social is literally impossible when I’m in the headspace that I’m in. It’s like Tyler said: you’re crawling from a trench of negativity and trying to make strides in your life, but it’s impossible when you get into negative loops of laziness and your brain is addicted to the negativity.

On a certain level, I know that I can go up and talk to anyone. But for some reason, my brain just doesn’t let me. My brain is literally broken. I’ve been walking around the halls with voices going through my head like a fucking schizophrenic and I’m starting to wonder if I’ve developed a light level of that. Or maybe I’ve just developed serious social anxiety. Who knows.

I try not to identify with the negative thoughts that come into my head and my own negative view of myself, because I know for the most part, it's all situational. After I worked out a lot of it cleared up, and I realized that a lot of the fucked up shit circulating through my brain is the result of self pity leading me to sleep for hours and hours every day, or conversely, staring blankly at a wall for what seems like an eternity.

All I know is that over the weekend, I’ve got to develope a plan to start talking to more people. Expanding my social circle, getting used to talking to strangers, meeting new people, making new friends, getting over my fear of girls, and getting my self confidence back. Masturbating less and quitting looking at porn has helped me with that, I think, but I can’t really be sure until I try it.

It’s a lot fucking easier said than done though. One of the main reasons I haven’t done this, to be fair, is that I’m always so busy in the mornings either cramming to finish overdue work or printing out things that I couldn’t print out at home, I end up sprinting to the library and getting stuck in my head before anything even happens. Then I have to sit through an hour of zoning out to the sound of Dr. Brasel’s voice, which doesn’t help.

Sleep deprivation also doesn't help with that either.

Funny enough, one day, I almost worked up the nerve to talk to a girl last week, but I gave in when I was just barely there. Goes to show that I really can do this, I just need to focus my energy in the right places and really get my head screwed back onto my shoulders.

Anyways, I’ve got a test to study for, and I’ve still got to write on the GameQuitters forum, and it’s almost 10:00pm already. Fuck. Gotta run, I’ll check in on you guys reading this, whoever you are, on Sunday night hopefully. Peace out.


END.  

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So that's what's been going on. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. It really means a lot.

Peace.

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DAY FIFTY EIGHT

Crazy to think I've already come this far. This upcoming Sunday will mark two-thirds of the way through the challenge, catapulting my way into the final phase. It's been a fucking ride, but I'm feeling a lot better than I did the other day and I'm going to start things fresh tomorrow. I'm not going to try to pull one of those "new milestone X, new me" bullshits on myself, I just needed time to readjust and get my head together. Turns out emotions, whether good or bad, are addictive. I need to be careful of that, and be more quick to stop myself when I fall into pits of depression and self-loathing. 

Time flies though. It seems like just yesterday I was starting this challenge, and now I'm already much closer to the end than I was to the beginning. So much has changed, but I guess in that weird way, you always just feel like yourself. It's not until you look back over a long enough period of time that you see the difference. With all that's happened, I can't help but feel like I've changed, hopefully for the better. But I guess I'll just have to wait and see. 

Anyways, I spent most of today just chilling around the house, watched some educational videos, and I'm gonna do some cleaning up before my mom gets home. It's the least I can do for her, she does put a roof over my head after all. I was debating reading The Blood of Olympus tonight (because I didn't read nine of these books starting from elementary school to not see the ending through on the last volume of the story), but I've decided that I'm going to write a little bit more of my own book tonight instead.

I'm still trying to keep my rule of passion vs consumption at at least 80% to 20%. The way I see it, is that there's nothing wrong with indulgence. Stimulation, if you will. But there has to be a line. The vast majority of what you should gain happiness from should be what you bring to the table; what you give to the world. It should be about your own drive and creative expression. I'm not going to be the guy to sit here and say that if you ever play a video game or read a fantasy novel you're just wasting your time, because those are wind-down activities. Everybody does them. The reason why all of us are here, though, is because we've all fallen victim to the most addictive form of winding-down on the planet that isn't drugs, and taken it to an unhealthy extent. It's a sure sign that we should all steer clear of that stuff, but it doesn't mean we have to turn into "success-robots", if you will. So many people I see in that mode are too focused on "making it" (especially in school) that they end up stressed out of their minds, and they forget that life is just a silly little game that none of us are making it out of. People forget to have fun.

By the same token, people get defensive when they hear that, because it's much more common to see people who are focused 100% on stimulating themselves day in and day out, 24/7, on social media, with music, games, TV, and everything else. 

Sometimes it's hard with all of the shit that expected of us, but nobody has any excuse to not put themselves out there, me included. 

Tomorrow I've got the super big project to work on, so I'm going to be cooped up in my room again. Weather report said it might snow some time in the next two days or so, but IDK if there's any truth to that, we'll have to wait and see. I'm still going to try and get out of the house no matter what, like I said. 

Meh. This post is pretty boring I guess. I should really start studying for my SAT this weekend too. Don't know where I'm even going with this. I need to open my window and get fresh air. Also, starting hobbies back up again tomorrow, and this time, I'm going to do the same ones, but I'm restarting them for 30 days, and I'm going to try to maintain them harder and more seriously than I did last time. I realize how hard it's going to be now and I feel like after failing before, I'm more mentally prepared to take it on again. We'll see. Already got my alarm set.

Peace out.

END.

Edited by RyanGQ

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DAY FIFTY NINE - SIXTY

So I've finally made it two thirds of the way through. I only slipped up once, in a time of insecurity and desperation (at someone else's house), but I can officially say that this period of my life has literally been my longest period of not gaming since I was three years old. Insane.

Anyways, this weekend has been good. I'm feeling giddy. Funny enough, I had no fucking idea today was superbowl sunday (goes to show how out of touch I am with sports, I was never a fan lol). Anyways, I'm going to grind as much as this project down tonight as I can for language arts because I spent most of yesterday writing in my book, that's now over 20 pages. I have a lot more to go and a lot of edits to do to it, as well as things I want to add into it that I skipped over or wasn't clear enough on. Wish me luck!

END.

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DAY SIXTY ONE - SIXTY SEVEN

It's Valentine's day, 2016, at 11:16am. It's been a week since I last wrote in here, so I've got some stuff to catch up on. 

School has been going alright, I think. My grades aren't all where I want them to be, but there's still time to get them caught up. I've got six days until I take my first SAT test, so tomorrow, since I don't have school, I'm going to take most of the time out of my day to study for it with the practice packet the school provided me with. I also need to sign up for the ACT and the redesigned SAT that I'll be taking in April, as well as my AP test for Language Arts (not taking the History AP test, because I probably wouldn't pass it and it's $90.00 - just being honest).

I'll have to start reading The Great Gatsby soon, which will get me back onto the reading train. I haven't done much reading this month yet, but as long as I get something out of the way, I'm happy. 

I still haven't played any games, and I don't plan on it. I think I've already established in the multiple posts I've posted preceding this one that I've already made it this far; there's not much point in going back now, even if I wanted to. 

Skipping over the monotony of the first four days of my week, I'll jump right into Friday. 

Friday was pretty awesome, for a number of reasons, even though something pretty shitty happened. 

Some friends and I had been planning on going to the movies to see Deadpool for a while, so we bought our IMAX tickets with super awesome reserved seats on Fandango. They were $20.00 each. It was going to be the four of us, in the best seats in the theater. I'm not usually one to buy the more expensive package when it comes to going out to do something fun, but since I go to the movies maybe twice a year, I didn't see it as an issue to drop a few extra dollars to get the most out of it.

After we had our tickets, meanwhile, at school, I finally broke out of my shell and talked to one of the girls that I found attractive that I had seen during my lunch period. We talked a little bit back and forth, but it turns out she had a boyfriend. I don't know how true that was, but it wasn't happening. It didn't help much that she was with her friend at the time, and my "wingman" friend did absolutely nothing to help me at all (he literally stood behind me with my other friend doing nothing, awkwardly observing what was going on instead of chatting up the friend like I told him to). 

The thing is though, is that I'm not even mad that I got "rejected". When it really comes down to it, it's not a big deal at all. I overblew it in my head for so long after I got broken up with, yet when I finally got the nerve to just go and do something about it, it was actually a lot of fun! I forgot how exciting and how necessary it is to talk to girls. So I'm looking forward to doing a lot of that when I go back to school.

Anyways, after that, my friends and I all found ourselves at the mall, ready to see the movie. We were there about an hour early, so we walked through the mall joking around for a little bit. I never realized how many hot girls go to the mall with their friends, and I was planning on going there to talk to them, but after realizing how awkward all of my friends were, I decided I'd wait to try it out another day. It was a friend's night out sort of thing, and I didn't want to blow it by being "that guy" who can't hold a conversation for more than 30 seconds without bouncing to go talk to someone else. Plus after realizing how shitty my friends are at winging, with it being four of us, that could get really weird really quickly (one of my friends is really awkward, one of them has a girlfriend yet I don't have any idea how, and one of them, the one that I didn't know would be there, is even more awkward than the first). 

I guess I need to find some friends that are less awkward, or just fucking teach one of them what to do. I never realized that I'm sort of the "top guy" in the group. I know that sounds shitty and narcissistic, but it's true. I've come to realize that my problems of being anxious to talk to new people doesn't just apply to me: my friends are the same way, and most of them actually have it way worse. 

Anyways, when the time came, we all went to sit down near the entrance to the theatre, waiting to see the movie. We saw platoons of people (including tons of kids who looked no older than 12 years old) walking out from the movie, all with smiles on their faces, who were shouting at us how awesome it was. We were excited. So when 9:45 rolled around, the ticket lady came out, but she said something that really shocked us.

"Tickets and ID's out please".

What?

We had our tickets, we were first in line, we had already been let past the ticketing gate, yet for some reason, she had to ID us to let us see the movie. We explained to her that we're all 17 and a half years old, and we didn't have our ID's, but we had our tickets. But alas, we were basically told to fuck off.

But we weren't going to let that be the end of it, so we came up with a plan. We decided, "hey, we might not get to see IMAX, but chances are, they won't ID us in the regular theater, because they don't have to check for reserved seating". So we waited another 45 minutes outside the regular theater, only to find that unfortunately, you get ID'd there as well. UnFuckingBelievable. 

We thought about getting someone else to vouch for us, but we didn't want to risk getting anyone else in trouble, so we decided to just bounce. We got in the car, drifted like Toretto straight to the AMC theater, and bought new tickets. They let us in no problem, and the movie was fantastic. 

We were all under the impression that we could get our money back on the fandango tickets, but we couldn't. They have a policy that says you had to return the tickets two hours before the movie started, so we all literally spent $30.00 to watch Deadpool. The movie was great, so I'm not complaining, but seriously: fuck regal cinemas and fuck the US government.

This all got me thinking about the stupid rules surrounding turning 18 and being an "adult" in our society. This uptight cunt wouldn't let us in the theater, because we were just a couple of months too young, even though she had just seen a platoon of middle schoolers walking out of the theater. So it's not ok to let us in because we're not 18, but all of these little kids can watch this seriously fucked up movie, just because their dad is there with them? A movie where there's hardcore sex scenes, tons of cursing and crude humor, and loads and loads of violence and gore? I'm not old enough to see that without my mommy sitting behind me?

What about the fact that I can literally go home and look up shit that's WAY WORSE than ANYTHING that you could ever see in a movie? Literally! I've seen porn that's far more graphic than anything that was in that movie, I've seen ISIS behead people and set them on fire, I've even seen some dude shove marbles down his dick. Yet I'm not allowed to see a very over the top, unrealistic, fictional movie. Fantastic.

I'm old enough to drive, hold a job, legally consent to sex, and drop out of school. Yet I can't watch a movie. I also can't sign up for my own bank account without a cosigner, or legally sign a lease. I cant' vote for president, or go anywhere without parent jurisdiction. If I happened to have sex with someone not even two years younger than me, I could be imprisoned, and when I turn 18 in a few months, the penalties get even worse.

All of this shit is so arbitrary and it's just there to make people's lives WORSE. I don't really know where to take this anymore, I'm just ranting because I'm pissed off.

So I got home yesterday early in the morning, slept in really late, and spent the entire day basically doing nothing of any major importance. I did make a lot of different playlists on Spotify though (took my main 600 song playlist and divided it up into different genres. Still have to work out the kinks though). I also did an online survey for my teacher trying to get her doctorate. 

I got into a huge fight with my mom last night over stupid shit. I don't want to talk about it. But it's only reinforced my desire to GTFO of this house. Once again, turning 18. I would have left years ago if I could have.

So anyways, today, I'm going to get as much of my book done as I can. I have some edits to do, and two more chapters left; at least two foreseeable chapters. Then it's onto revising it and sending it off to my sister and some friends to give me some feedback, and then onto second drafting the whole thing. Fun.

So I should get to that. Don't know when the next update on here will be. I've found that over time, my drive to hit this thing up daily is going down. Maybe just because the thrill of "not being a gamer" anymore is wearing down as I start to realize that it's really not that big of a deal. So cheers. Hope everyone has a good day today.

END.

PS - Still working on something else special for the 90 day challenge being completed. Stay tuned.

Edited by RyanGQ

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Haha, I feel you man. The one that gets me is not being able to legally cross the street when the light is red... even though I am absolutely capable of seeing if a car is within a mile of me or not. Always a tough one for me to follow. X.X

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DAY SIXTY SEVEN TO NINETY (FINISH LINE OF THE 90 DAY CHALLENGE)

I was expecting something more epic for this post. But it's been weeks since I've visited here and I don't exactly know where I stand anymore.

It's been a fucking ride, I can tell you that much. My head is a mess right now so I don't exactly know where to start. I haven't been well to say the least, but at least I didn't give up.

To be honest, with a challenge like this, it's not really a matter of giving up vs not giving up past a certain point because you just stop caring about numbers. It was never about the 90 days to begin with if that makes sense.

Maybe I'm not making sense right now, wouldn't surprise me. That's not the point though. I'd just like to say I'm sorry for not updating this sooner and then coming back with such a shitty reply, I should have been more honest but some of what was going on was just too draining for me to come on here and talk about (not that anyone wants to read venting so it was actually for the best probably). 

So here's to the challenge being over, and for what it's worth, I can't attest to my quality of life being significantly jolted upwards since I quit playing video games, along with my mental health (it's actually deteriorated rapidly over the past couple of weeks), but I can definitely say that the challenge works. I don't wanna play video games anymore! That's a start I guess.

Don't take that the wrong way though. My quality of life not being changed in any dramatic way wasn't the fault of video games, the lack thereof, or the challenge itself, along with any of those participating in it OR Cam; you're all great. It's just me.

This is going to be the last post in this journal written by me. If I decide to keep writing in here, it's going to be in a post 90-day journal under a different name. The only real reason for that is because I realized a couple weeks back that the name that I gave this forum was obnoxiously fucking long and sounds like something you'd read in a cheesy self help novel, and I thought I remembered there being a way to change that but I couldn't find it. 

Good luck to Cam on reaching 1k members on here. I genuinely applaud you in starting this website; you're doing god's work and you're helping a lot of people. I hope to be able to stick along for the ride and see where this all goes. I did the survey and put in my email, so I'll be filling out whatever comes my way as time goes by. 

Thanks to everyone for making this possible, expect my return in coming days. I wanna start fresh with something special that I've had in the works in the back of my head for a while.

END.

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Yo dude! Nothing corny about your journal title. It takes courage to go after what you deem success in this life. From what you've shared, it doesn't seem like you've had very many positive role models of success in your environment - which is no fault of your own, it's how you grew up. The good news is that you now have the opportunity to change this and to surround yourself by more of the types of people you aspire to be when you're older. You're doing great man, even if things didn't all change in 90 days, the point of 90 days isn't about that. That's just an added bonus.

The point of 90 days is to dedicate yourself to yourself for 90 days and that's it. By getting to 90 days you did it. You learned more about yourself, developed more awareness and completed a goal. Be proud of yourself. Yes, there is still much work to be done, and that will never really end. I'm still working on myself just as much 7 years later since I began as you are now. Some days are easier than others, just as some weeks are, some months and some years. But one day at a time, in every little way, our growth compounds (The Slight Edge) and over time, we get there. It's not linear and occasionally we will take a detour - things will dip and appear like they are not going well - when that's a natural part of the growth cycle. Stay strong. I would encourage you to continue participating here as much as you can - it's one positive element in your environment right now that will pay dividends long-term. Proud of you brother :)

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