Bagradain's Journal

[Bagradain]

I can't believe I didn't played MMORPG for 14 days.

I'm doing everything I could to stay on the road: reading books, studying programming, running outside, talking with my girlfriend... I'm even going to try to join sword art school this week (I'm used to my Knight with sword avatar too much).

And, last but not least, I'm trying to get a job to feel more confident.

But life still feels meaningless. I'm always sad, bored, tired, close to relapse.

In my heart, I don't want to deal with my addiction. Playing MMORPG as a Knight, traveling to the different worlds is the best thing I ever experienced.

But with all my games I can't spend much time with my girlfriend, and this makes her sad. Seeing her like this makes me sad for some reason too.

She's looking so happy when hears about me holding one more new day without gaming... "You're my hero" - she says.

I don't think about myself now. I'm doing this for her. To make her happy. That's my only reason to continue.

I must succeed.

 

 

[BooksandTrees]

On 9/12/2023 at 7:09 PM, Bagradain said:

But with all my games I can't spend much time with my girlfriend, and this makes her sad. Seeing her like this makes me sad for some reason too.

This is something to think about every time. I've learned that I enjoy just sitting on the couch with my wife and relaxing. I read or write or we watch TV. I used to game all night. You're going to realize what gives you satisfaction and what you've been yearning for in life. 

Try thinking about what gaming brought you. Success? Independence? Progress? Purpose? What is missing from your life?

[Bagradain]

Saturday, October 7. Today I realized that my addiction to games comes from the fact that I praise myself and am proud of myself only in games. I have always, as long as I can remember, played games longer than my peers and went further in the game plot than them, I was a better player than them. I am especially good at shooters and MMORPGs.

As for real life, I've hated it since childhood. I don't have any favorite hobbies or activities that were easier for me or that I was better at than others. All I can do now is read and watch TV series. I am still looking for a job and working with a psychologist about my addiction.

Despite the fact that I have not been home for 2 years because of the war, everything seems to be going well for me. I live in a hostel, I have enough food, I have warm clothes for the winter. I have a girlfriend, she loves me (even thinks I'm perfect for some reason), I love her too.

But even with all this, I hate real life, I don't love myself, I don't appreciate my achievements in real life. It's like I'm alive in another world, where I don't belong. It becomes especially difficult in the evening and at night. I'm sad and I feel anger that I used to get rid of by killing monsters in MMORPGs. What should I do next?

Have a good evening, everyone.

[Bagradain]

On 14.09.2023 at 02:39, BooksandTrees said:

On 9/14/2023 at 2:39 AM, BooksandTrees said:

This is something to think about every time. I've learned that I enjoy just sitting on the couch with my wife and relaxing. I read or write or we watch TV. I used to game all night. You're going to realize what gives you satisfaction and what you've been yearning for in life. 

Try thinking about what gaming brought you. Success? Independence? Progress? Purpose? What is missing from your life?

Good evening.

I'm happy that you can spend a time with your wife. This is what really matters.

For now, I can see my girlfriend only in messengers, we too far from each other.

Well, in games I always could play my "Knight with sword" role, I could work in game, I don't have a disability in game.

For some reason, I feel like I was born in wrong century 🙂

Have a good evening.

 

[BooksandTrees]

6 hours ago, Bagradain said:

 

There's always a place for you in this century. Sometimes it just takes patience and an evolving outlook. Plus, previous centuries didn't have bathrooms. I couldn't do it lol.

[wheatbiscuit]

On 10/8/2023 at 6:16 AM, Bagradain said:

Saturday, October 7. Today I realized that my addiction to games comes from the fact that I praise myself and am proud of myself only in games. I have always, as long as I can remember, played games longer than my peers and went further in the game plot than them, I was a better player than them. I am especially good at shooters and MMORPGs.

As for real life, I've hated it since childhood. I don't have any favorite hobbies or activities that were easier for me or that I was better at than others. All I can do now is read and watch TV series. I am still looking for a job and working with a psychologist about my addiction.

Despite the fact that I have not been home for 2 years because of the war, everything seems to be going well for me. I live in a hostel, I have enough food, I have warm clothes for the winter. I have a girlfriend, she loves me (even thinks I'm perfect for some reason), I love her too.

But even with all this, I hate real life, I don't love myself, I don't appreciate my achievements in real life. It's like I'm alive in another world, where I don't belong. It becomes especially difficult in the evening and at night. I'm sad and I feel anger that I used to get rid of by killing monsters in MMORPGs. What should I do next?

Have a good evening, everyone.

My first solo games were Mario and Pokemon on a Gameboy. I knew I was average at both (I was also the guy who pitted his Pikachu against Onyx several times before dubbing it fruitless). But when I discovered MMORPGS, it became almost the perfect channel for my energies and frustrations. In my opinion, even though they taught me several things, including the will to read about advancing gameplay, our family shouldn't have gone there. However, thinking that doesn't help much. 

Things I changed these past few years before quitting gaming this May included choices in music. If nothing else, I hear, a depressed person can observe, and perhaps remember many special moments well - I'd say I did. Innocent songs like those of Owl City encouraged me to easier embrace life living outside of the family home on the way to work (I did have a steady job then, whilst also on strong medication). 

Physical exercise, outdoors if you can, might help you feel more connected with the physical world. I had a few barefoot phases doing that in the park and other places too. Also something good I've yet to try is colouring in - that could be a shared activity as well, alongside music. Anything that helps you feel inside your own person, and appreciate the differences between you and others and them just being there and around you (this time I'm thinking of exercise gymnasiums) - I say this because sometimes I still compare the outside world to a competitive PvP zone, where I'm trying to get to and from places unscathed, instead of simply participating in a society.

I've frequently been a little bit odd/neurotic in the past though - so stick around for what anyone else has to add!

~ Matt

Edited October 8, 2023 by wheatbiscuit

[Bagradain]

8 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

My first solo games were Mario and Pokemon on a Gameboy. I knew I was average at both (I was also the guy who pitted his Pikachu against Onyx several times before dubbing it fruitless). But when I discovered MMORPGS, it became almost the perfect channel for my energies and frustrations. In my opinion, even they taught me several things, including the will to read about advancing gameplay, our family shouldn't have gone there. However, thinking that doesn't help much. 

Things I changed these past few years before quitting gaming this May included choices in music. If nothing else, I hear, a depressed person can observe, and perhaps remember many special moments well - I'd say I did. Innocent songs like those of Owl City encouraged me to easier embrace life living outside of the family home on the way to work (I did have a steady job then, whilst also on strong medication). 

Physical exercise, outdoors if you can, might help you feel more connected with the physical world. I had a few barefoot phases doing that in the park and other places too. Also something good I've yet to try is colouring in - that could be a shared activity as well, alongside music. Anything that helps you feel inside your own person, and appreciate the differences between you and others and them just being there and around you (this time I'm thinking of exercise gymnasiums) - I say this because sometimes I still compare the outside world to a competitive PvP zone, where I'm trying to get to and from places unscathed, instead of simply participating in a society.

I've frequently been a little bit odd/neurotic in the past though - so stick around for what anyone else has to add!

~ Matt

Thank you.

I have lots of good memories with Owl City, and with Game Boy too, Mario and Pokémon always be my favourite even now when I'm trying to quit.

Thanks for the advices, I'll try them out today.

~ Bohdan.

Edited October 8, 2023 by Bagradain

[Bagradain]

8 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Для вас завжди є місце в цьому столітті. Іноді для цього потрібне лише терпіння та розвиток світогляду. Крім того, у попередні століття не було ванних кімнат. Я не міг це зробити, лол.

Haha, can't argue with that 🙂 

Have a nice day.

[Bagradain]

Sunday, October 8. I had a relapse tonight. I felt lonely, anxious, couldn't sleep, I had high blood pressure. I really wanted to talk to someone, but outside the window it was already late at night.

I downloaded my favorite MMORPG, created a character, made a few in-game purchases. Then vent through several chapters of the plot.

I don't know why, but while I was playing, I was able to relax, think calmly. A few new ideas came to my mind. I want to live again, to try new things in real life. I even figured out how to get even closer to the image of my game character in real life.

I had a pretty productive day, I finally cleaned the room, made the bed. I found a new favorite music that improved my mood. And importantly, I controlled my screen time.

For some reason, today's relapse worked for me as a favorite hobby that gave me energy and the desire to continue living. Maybe I just like everything about Knights. I decided that I would look for the "golden balance" between my favorite game and real life, if it is not possible to completely quit gaming yet. My girlfriend also supported me in this.

 I don't recommend repeating my relapse experience. I just got lucky for some reason. There's no guarantee it will work for you.

For myself, I understood one thing: it is useless to force and torture myself with streaks, blockers, apps with motivational quotes, that pop up every time. It's easier for me to manage my time, constantly asking myself "What's more important: The game or ...?" , and set the right priorities. For example, instead of playing during the day, I spend time with my girlfriend, because she is more important to me.

Instead, I play for 1.5 hours in the evening, when I feel completely lonely and sad, can't sleep, when I can't stand it anymore.

I wish everyone a peaceful and quiet night.

 

[BooksandTrees]

You might also be among people who can moderate gaming. Not many can do this, but you'll have to keep tabs on it because it still seems like this is your main coping mechanism for stress and loneliness. 

[Bagradain]

Thanks, I'll think about it.

Have a nice day.

[Bagradain]

Saturday, November 4.

I haven't played games for 5 days and 23 minutes. Yes, I love games, graphics, beautiful game objects and creatures, interesting plot twists, but I want it to be my hobby, not a way to escape from stress. Now I'm learning a lot to create my YouTube channel dedicated to RPGs. While I still can't find a steady job, I'll at least give it a try, I don't have any other options at the moment anyway. As soon as I started thinking about games as a way to make money, the temptation to play just disappeared and has not returned.

I also want to share with you a way to spend more time in real life and at the same time replace the games with something.

One day I unexpectedly found the Level Up Life app. (This is not an advertisement, I'm just sharing my own experience).

This is not a game, as it may seem at first, but a gamified task scheduler. You have a Level and several Characteristics (eg Intelligence, Strength, Charisma, etc.). There is also a ready-made list of tasks that you can use, and each has its own Category (for example, Sports, Reading, Learning, Socialization, etc.)

The sections Reading (there is even a ready-made list of books there!), Mental, Socialization, Education and Sports were especially valuable for me. In games, I've always liked to Level up my character, so I immediately started doing Tasks, earning XP, and Leveling up. With each new Level new Tasks appeared. After completing each task, except for Experience, I increased the Characteristic Points associated with that task, so I could see my strong and weak sides.

So, before Level Up Life, I hated reading books and learning. Now I learn new things everyday. I became braver to try different hobbies, after all, I would never have gotten interested in programming, which I enjoy now, if it weren't for In-app Tasks. Some things have become my habits and I already do them automatically. Now I use Level Up Life only in emergency cases, when I completely lose the motivation to do something.

This app has impacted my life in many ways and I am even now researching gamification as a tool to improve human productivity. Maybe Level Up Life will help you, like it helped me.

Feel free to leave a comment if you tried it, I'll be more than happy to know if this app is actually helped someone.

Don't lose hope. Have a nice day everyone.

[Bagradain]

Good evening.

In my opinion, gamification can help us live more productive and happy lifes.

I used LUL only as an example, because it was an important experience in my life, and I wanted to share it with others.

You can use whatever you like, or what feels better for you.

The most important thing is stay on the road and live a happy life.

~Bagradain

 

[Bagradain]

October 16th. 2023.

I decided to quit gaming once and for all.

I tried to manage my time, setting right priorities, used helping apps, but I failed again. So, my one and only option is quit it for good.

It will be tough "quest", because I don't like real life at all (yet), but I must do it.

To make things easier, I created a list of everyday achievements called "Hero Quest" in Level Up Life app.

I just add all things that I did in games to real life.

For example, "Craft a new item", "Buy a new item", "Matrial Arts Training" (this is an alternative to killing monsters to gain Exp in games), "Study ...", "Communicate with people" (Alternative to "talking" with NPC), and so on.

Also, I continued to study gamification and programming to make my own productivity app (user interface similar to one in every RPG, but for real life).

I finally finished writing a plan what I want to include in my app.

Now all I need is learn programming and graphics design to make it real.

Have a good night, everyone.

[Amphibian220]

Welcome to Game quitters!

What are you currently studying, or what is your profession? Can you report on your detox progress so far? 

Why do you feel the need to turn real life progress into a game?

[Bagradain]

16.11.2023 о 10:34 Amphibian220 сказав:

Ласкаво просимо до Game Quitters!

Що ти зараз навчаєшся чи яка твоя професія? Чи можете ви повідомити про свій прогрес у детоксикації? 

Чому ви відчуваєте потребу повернути прогрес у реальному житті на гру?

@Амфібія220Добрий вечір. Зараз я намагаюся самостійно вивчати програмування, а саме C# (він необхідний для мого проекту). А ще я вивчаю тестування в ІТ, щоб отримати роботу. У мене зараз немає роботи.

Мій найдовший час без RPG — 10 днів. Після цього у мене зазвичай рецидив.

У певний момент мого життя, коли я був у депресії і просто не хотів вставати з ліжка, мені дуже допоміг додаток Level Up Life. Виконуючи в ньому різні завдання, набираючи Досвід і Очки Характеристик, я бачив свої сильні і слабкі сторони. Знайшов нові хобі, речі, які мені зараз подобаються, але не хотів би пробувати без програми. І що найважливіше, весь час я відчував, що граю в повноцінну MMORPG, як у SAO. Тільки без шолома віртуальної реальності.

Правда в тому, що я все ще почуваюся сумним, пригніченим і злим навіть сьогодні. Тому мені теж потрібна гейміфікація. На мій погляд, життя іноді може бути жорстоким і важким як для фізичного, так і для психічного здоров'я. Тож, можливо, гейміфікований додаток для продуктивності, який використовує механізми вивільнення дофаміну, може зробити наше життя трохи веселішим навіть у важкі часи.

Edited November 18, 2023 by Bagradain

[Bagradain]

Saturday, November 18.

During Friday I had so much things in my to-do list, so I was stressed out completely and couldn't resist to craving.

I had a few relapses, but still slept well during the night. 

Today I was thinking about a lot of things.

For what I'm living?

What I want to do in the future?

What dreams I have now, but forgot because of daily stress?

You know, I'm thinking about it even now.

WHY do I like gamification and games even after my wrong choice to prioritise games over studying ruined my childhood?

I don't know.

For now I just thinking to find a job as a software tester (I'm saving money for the courses and spending 1,5 hour on self-studying).

Next, I'll plan to use my money to invest in self-education and study programming on a professional level.

For my own future projects, or for better job maybe.

I haven't decided on that yet.

Well, now I at least have some goals.

For some reason I became interested in VR. 

I decided to do a break for gaming and return to it (maybe) when I'll buy myself a VR equipment.

Maybe I'll make my own VR game once.

At this rate I'll never get rid of gaming, ha ha😅

Seriously, I don't know what to do.

Few days ago I decided to continue trying to erase gaming from my life, at least from player perspective, but surprisingly developed a passion and a dream to become a VR game developer someday.

I have no idea what to do with that.

Maybe some of you know what's the difference between addiction and passion?

Anyway, I wish you a good day and stay on the road.

Deep down I know it's worth it.

 

Edited November 18, 2023 by Bagradain

[Captain_Pilz]

Good work! You got back on track, even after a few small relapses. Staying at it is what matters.

It's also nice to see that you are asking the big questions. Right now, it might feel discouraging to stare into the void that video games allowed you to ignore for so long. But eventually, finding a sense of purpose out there is going to get the momentum on your side. It can pull you away from your addiction. 

Considering the VR thing, I generally consider dipping your toes into video games a risky move. That being said, for some people here it has worked out and it is ultimately your decision. I will just cautiously interject: Interest doesn't equal passion. A passion is something that you invest a lot of time in because it gives you a sense of purpose. It adds to your quality of life, in contrast to addiction which takes away from it. Importantly, I think you only discover that you are passionate about something once you've already spent a significant amount of time on it (usually years). Interest can motivate you to spend this time but you won't become passionate about the majority of things you are interested in. Your interest in VR might be driven by the fact that you haven't discovered what else is out there, yet. It might just be your brain defaulting back to video games out of habit. Now, it's your decision whether you want to pursue that interest.

I am looking forward to reading more of your posts.

Edited November 18, 2023 by Captain_Pilz

[Bagradain]

@Captain_PilzThanks.

I'll think about it.

Have a nice day.

[BooksandTrees]

I see on the website you have multiple journals. Why not keep them in one thread so you can see your time-line?

[Bagradain]

@BooksandTreesGood evening. 

Maybe I did some kind of mistake.

I thought you need to make a new topic each day to write a diary.

Where I can see a manual for this site?

Thank you.

[Bagradain]

Ok, I guess I'll just continue my diary here.

[BooksandTrees]

Yeah just keep posting in this thread and every post can be your entry. Look at some of the others but make it work for you but don't feel like you need to have a specific type. It's good so  you and others can see your progress and learn about you. 

[Bagradain]

Monday, November 20.

Today I was quite productive.

I did a few optional tasks that needed to find a job.

Also, a day ago I found a free time-limited Testing course, so now I'm learning at night and have no time to play games.

(Despite the fact I still had a few relapses on Sunday).

And, I changed my phone wallpaper on a building related to my favourite game.

Maybe that wasn't so good idea, but every time I see it, I'm satisfied and craving to play games don't appear.

I know that I need to find some activities and hobbies to replace gaming and form a new self, but now when I have no job and no my own money, I'm too nervous about what awaits us tomorrow, so all I can think about is active learning and finding a job.

Maybe when I'll finally finish learning and get a job, I'll release myself and start seeking for things I like to do.

Maybe I should return to meditation to hold my stress level under control.

Peace.

Have a good night everyone.

Edited November 20, 2023 by Bagradain

[Bagradain]

Tuesday, November 21.

Today I had a few relapses.

Deleted every single game and accounts in which I could return to play.

Changed my phone wallpaper to "Game Over".

Everything seems to be fine, but I'm feeling lots of anger and frustration inside.

For some reason I reject all.

Real life, my family, my girlfriend, my friends, hobbies, and even studying.

I don't want all of this.

Don't need this.

I'm still can't understand why people are value life so much.

I have nothing I like in my life.

I was so aggressive yesterday, like my entire body was about to burst, and I was going to scream.

Luckily, I'll helded it back.

Maybe, I have more serious problems than I thought.

Anyway, I'm going to continue dealing with all of my addictions, no matter what happens.

I wish you a good night.

Peace.

 

 

Edited November 21, 2023 by Bagradain