Intro post. Reluctant, but...trusting the process

[Zoe]

I like homework, so Respawn is appealing to me. I get to make to do lists and mark complete..wohoo dopamine fix. 

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Hi everyone, 

I'm Zoe.  I live in Texas. Gaming  IS a problem for me, but, I really am dreading quitting. Actually, I have mixed feelings. I'm dreading it because I do actually have fun...I think...probably not. I'm excited because I KNOW I need to improve my life in so many different ways.  I'm a bullet list girl, so...here goes. 

What games do I play:  Mobile Legends, League of Legends, Sky, More Mobile Legends, then More Mobile Legends, then more Mobile Legends....Now, only Mobile Legends. 

When did I start playing:  I started with Sky, I think in 2018..time flies, I don't really know but it was around there. I upgraded to Mobile Legends, played that on and off with Sky. Then I got annoyed with Mobile Legends toxicity and started League of Legends Wild Rift, not free of toxicity, but prettier. :).  Not sure why I went back to Mobile Legends but I did and then it got really, really bad especially during the pandemic. 

When did I start trying to quit:  For the past year I have been trying to cut my game time down, try a 30 day detox, etc....but it never really stuck.  Last Wednesday (April 12, 2023) I told myself was my quit day.  I found Online Gamers Anonymous, 12 step program for Gaming Addicts. Jumped in full speed ahead, went to meetings, joined Whats App groups, but, started feeling a little uncomfortable and a little patronized by the more veteran users.  I haven't quit that completely, but, it isn't seeming like the right fit.  I want to take ownership of this journey, not agree to being helpless against it. Not sure that makes sense. 

Progress towards quitting: The first four days were great.  My friend changed the passwords on all 3 of my Mobile legends accounts (It's pretty much impossible to delete the accounts totally, I've tried).  Made different emails for the accounts so I couldn't simply request to reset my passwords.  I also gave her my IPAD so it isn't in my house. This is usually what I play on.  At this point, Mobile Legends is the only game I have a problem with, honestly, it's the only game I play.  The weekend came and I started getting triggered.  I got bored I think.  I downloaded the game on my phone and have been playing on a guest account.  I delete and redownload the game every day.  The first few times I confessed to my husband.  Since yesterday, I haven't confessed and I've started to play at work again.  I've never played on my phone, but, here we are.  I had researched Game Quitters some time ago and even purchased the respawn program.  Yesterday, I decided I would try it.  It seems more fitting than a 12 step program.  I am a working professional and am working towards opening my own private practice.  I want to be moving forward, not spending my time working on the intense 12 step program.  Right now, my biggest struggle is trying to find an app...something...that will prevent me from downloading Mobile Legend on my phone.  If I could, I would simply give my phone to someone and use a flip phone (lol) but that's just not realistic.  So, that's where I'm at. 

REASONS I GAMED

People Please and emotional connection. It all started with a guy I met in the game Sky, started an emotional affair (yes, my husband knows and we've moved on from that).  My husband was pretty emotionally unavailable, so this was me coping. We have now gone to therapy and are both doing better in our relationship. Easy to have an emotional affair when the person isn't even in the same country.  But then, it gets complicated when you really start to care for the person.  So, the people pleasing part. Said guy said he was bored with Sky and thought we could play another game that would be much more fun...and Here comes Mobile legends.  Honestly, I didn't even like playing the game at first, but I would sign on just because he was there.  This was just a trauma trigger for me, it's hard for me to say no.  In a way, I thank the game for showing me a different side of him. So toxic and just mean.  We won't get into that.  

Compulsiveness:  I broke off the "relationship", but had a hard time completely jumping away.  I would log on just to see if he was there, would play games just to wait to see if he would say something to me.  

Oops, I started having fun: Playing Solo, I actually started to have fun.  I had no desire to see this persons user name again so I started another account.  I introduced a colleague at work to the game and we enjoyed playing it together.  

Toxic Work environment: I don't and can't get into the details of this, but the game became an escape from the stress of this. 

Obligation and people pleasing:  My colleague and I met a few people through the game.  We had fun playing together.  One would ask for us to buy skins for him, people pleasing starts in because I get very emotional when I have to say no to someone.  So, lots of money spent on this game, mostly on me because hey, skins are pretty.  I'm in therapy for the past trauma now, so thankfully have gotten a handle on the people pleasing issue.  Playing started becoming an obligation to my colleague and friends I made in the game. 

Reasons I want to quit

• I feel out of control
• At some point, I'm going to get caught at work
• To be healthier.  I've gained 30 lbs because I am so sedentary
• To feel good/proud of the person I am
• To accomplish my goal of starting a private practice
• To feel proud of myself at work and not feel like I have to hide
• TO NOT HAVE THIS PIT IN MY STOMACH

Emotions I feel right now

• Anxious: Pit in my stomach, how am I going to do this? Do I want to do this? 
• Guilty: I started Online Gamers Anonymous and now feel guilty for doing this instead of that. 
• Resentment: I don't want to be working where I am, but I can't quit until I'm financially ready to start my own practice.
• Overwhelmed: I'm behind at work. I'm behind at home. I'm behind in life. And, I'm constantly triggered to game. 

That's where I'm at right now. 

 

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Edited May 18, 2023 by Zoe
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[LordFederickRamsay]

'I want to take ownership of this journey, not agree to being helpless against it. Not sure that makes sense.' - Very insightful and definitely makes sense (at least to me). 

Boredom is killer. I think you will find that most people on this forum can relate to intense feelings of boredom that influence what they do with their free time, and that trigger urges to game in a profound and impactful way. 

'To not have this pit in my stomach' That resonates with me. Definitely. Can't explain totally why.

Don't feel guilty for quitting Online Gamers anonymous. They sound annoying lol. Game Quitter's is great because of its diversity in personalities. You'll find someone you connect with here, for sure. Meaning like if you read their journals or introduction posts, (journals are better because then you're keeping up with each other) you'll spot articulations of their experience that matches you're own. 

Will reply to your journal now.