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Coles Journal


DoneLagging
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Its my first day without videogames, and I was invited to go bowling with some people I met at church. This might be a manifestation of giving up something that was wasting time. Like now that I freed up the space in my life the universe reciprocated with an invitation to playing the game of life instead of the virtual fantasies I had partaken in prior...  I came home and said, I might just play a game for a little bit since its Saturday night, but that was an internal voice trying to reason with my addiction. I am going to try to learn something new or pick something new I can learn tomorrow since It is night time right now, but I think learning a new language or skill would be a much better use of my time, and since im not going to stay up playing videogames late into the night I can settle down and watch a movie (also consumable media), but it removes my ability to get angry at the television and its length is measured, unlike video games that want you to keep playing a bunch of 5-10 minute matches. 

I saw a fellow past gamer doing well only a week or two into this decision and related to his story in a few different areas. I'm so grateful to have other people who are willing to be vulnerable, even though this is supposed to be their journal, we can all see what they say, and creating places where men, or women, can be vulnerable is something that can change the world. It allows people who are lost in their own fantasies to see that other people have been in the same spot, and that they made changes in their life that worked out well for them. I haven't hung out with anyone since I moved last year, and it felt really good to go do something with people my age. 

Now that I am going to be having so much free time, I can actually begin to live my life without the old coping mechanism of gaming that I used when my mom became homeless and my dad was largely busy with work and trying to be a single parent of 2 kids. Its 11pm and im going to get on the ground and do a bunch of pushups, because im living in real life and not attached to the games anymore. It feels good now, but after the pushups and a meditation it will feel even better! Love you, anyone who sees this.

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Second day now and I had a good day, the current state of affairs of the world is at least chaotic, but I'm trying to live in this moment and be alive for the future is not promised. I practiced the solo of Nothing Else Matters more today and feel confident I will be ready to record tomorrow. My sleep schedule has been pretty bad. Sleeping from 6 am to 4pm and repeating. Although I gave up the game I now am staying on my device as a secondary coping mechanism. Once I get Nothing else matters recorded I'm going to stockpile it and learn some easier more mainstream modern covers so that my audience has more options and so that I get variety in my playing. Probably going to do at least one X song, and then after I have at least 2 or 3 recorded I will start to do weekly releases then just try to stay caught up always at least having the following weeks cover ready to go. I'm hoping I will be ready for video performances by the end of the year and live performances shortly after. This is a journey and whether it cut short in a day or in 70 years. Its worth stimulating my brain and giving myself something to strive for. Living life with a deterministic outlook with a lens of negativity and doubt will lead to an infinitely unfulfilling existence and if one has the choice to perceive things how they would like then I would like to chose to believe I am in control of this moment at least and that its worth trying. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to stay alive very long. if I had no control at all I wouldn't want to live anymore. 

I didn't do much productive today but I got out for a few mile walk and went to the beach so that's at least a mild exercise that keeps me healthy. I suppose their is still time tonight to wear myself out with some push ups! Tomorrow my mom and I are going to a laser healing center for a consultation. With the poison they are putting into these vaccines being so apparent and the fact that the people with vaccines can shed particles from their being afterwards turns them into a walking virus and I now have to proactively find ways to cleanse my body in order to not be infected by their ignorance. I have compassion for these people because like the fantasies of video games or porn they are in a fantasy of fear and virtue signaling. I have compassion for them knowing that they are exactly like me and that we all will suffer together the same or similar plights. I feel as though without a regular sleep schedule I am having a hard time feeling regular and fully in control of my day. Without a proper circadian rhythm I feel out of sync, and, well, I am... Im going to take a drowsy medication or a melatonin cough drop just for tonight and try to get back in order so that I can take my life back fully. No more of this endlessly browsing nonsense. If im really going to keep staying up I would rather play videogames but that just shows that videogames weren't the only issue it was the instant gratification centers in my brain requiring that they get more and more. So now that the games are out of the picture Its one less thing.

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hey! welcome to the forums, i am glad you have made the decision to quit! we're all here to support you!

 

on your point of instant gratification. i have been thinking recently that we are just all stuck in some matrix type shit. i mean, there are all these different distractions and points that grab your interest and we have a million things expected of us and i just feel like theres this unending and unbreakable cycle that we're trapped in. oh you're born, you go to school, you go to college, you get a job, you do that job, you have a family (maybe) you die. this world is pretty but i just idk i feel like sometimes we're put here and just braindead cause we're being controlled. we want to be free, but what is freedom?

may your spirit guide you 

jason

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