DoneLagging

Second day now and I had a good day, the current state of affairs of the world is at least chaotic, but I'm trying to live in this moment and be alive for the future is not promised. I practiced the solo of Nothing Else Matters more today and feel confident I will be ready to record tomorrow. My sleep schedule has been pretty bad. Sleeping from 6 am to 4pm and repeating. Although I gave up the game I now am staying on my device as a secondary coping mechanism. Once I get Nothing else matters recorded I'm going to stockpile it and learn some easier more mainstream modern covers so that my audience has more options and so that I get variety in my playing. Probably going to do at least one X song, and then after I have at least 2 or 3 recorded I will start to do weekly releases then just try to stay caught up always at least having the following weeks cover ready to go. I'm hoping I will be ready for video performances by the end of the year and live performances shortly after. This is a journey and whether it cut short in a day or in 70 years. Its worth stimulating my brain and giving myself something to strive for. Living life with a deterministic outlook with a lens of negativity and doubt will lead to an infinitely unfulfilling existence and if one has the choice to perceive things how they would like then I would like to chose to believe I am in control of this moment at least and that its worth trying. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to stay alive very long. if I had no control at all I wouldn't want to live anymore. I didn't do much productive today but I got out for a few mile walk and went to the beach so that's at least a mild exercise that keeps me healthy. I suppose their is still time tonight to wear myself out with some push ups! Tomorrow my mom and I are going to a laser healing center for a consultation. With the poison they are putting into these vaccines being so apparent and the fact that the people with vaccines can shed particles from their being afterwards turns them into a walking virus and I now have to proactively find ways to cleanse my body in order to not be infected by their ignorance. I have compassion for these people because like the fantasies of video games or porn they are in a fantasy of fear and virtue signaling. I have compassion for them knowing that they are exactly like me and that we all will suffer together the same or similar plights. I feel as though without a regular sleep schedule I am having a hard time feeling regular and fully in control of my day. Without a proper circadian rhythm I feel out of sync, and, well, I am... Im going to take a drowsy medication or a melatonin cough drop just for tonight and try to get back in order so that I can take my life back fully. No more of this endlessly browsing nonsense. If im really going to keep staying up I would rather play videogames but that just shows that videogames weren't the only issue it was the instant gratification centers in my brain requiring that they get more and more. So now that the games are out of the picture Its one less thing.

Its my first day without videogames, and I was invited to go bowling with some people I met at church. This might be a manifestation of giving up something that was wasting time. Like now that I freed up the space in my life the universe reciprocated with an invitation to playing the game of life instead of the virtual fantasies I had partaken in prior... I came home and said, I might just play a game for a little bit since its Saturday night, but that was an internal voice trying to reason with my addiction. I am going to try to learn something new or pick something new I can learn tomorrow since It is night time right now, but I think learning a new language or skill would be a much better use of my time, and since im not going to stay up playing videogames late into the night I can settle down and watch a movie (also consumable media), but it removes my ability to get angry at the television and its length is measured, unlike video games that want you to keep playing a bunch of 5-10 minute matches. I saw a fellow past gamer doing well only a week or two into this decision and related to his story in a few different areas. I'm so grateful to have other people who are willing to be vulnerable, even though this is supposed to be their journal, we can all see what they say, and creating places where men, or women, can be vulnerable is something that can change the world. It allows people who are lost in their own fantasies to see that other people have been in the same spot, and that they made changes in their life that worked out well for them. I haven't hung out with anyone since I moved last year, and it felt really good to go do something with people my age. Now that I am going to be having so much free time, I can actually begin to live my life without the old coping mechanism of gaming that I used when my mom became homeless and my dad was largely busy with work and trying to be a single parent of 2 kids. Its 11pm and im going to get on the ground and do a bunch of pushups, because im living in real life and not attached to the games anymore. It feels good now, but after the pushups and a meditation it will feel even better! Love you, anyone who sees this.

I wanted to thank you for being so open. I had always procrastinated on doing the journaling thing, and tonight I just deleted all of my VideoGames from my PC, I have been doing nofap on and off for the last year, a few 30 day streaks and it was always difficult to keep moving or to go past that, I just found out more about game addiction and I think it is a big part of the problem. Your honesty and openness encouraged me to make an account. My name on the games has been Lagger, my original ps3 account was called Lagger09, that was the year I made the account, and shortly after my mother became homeless for a decade. Now I am living with her and healing my childhood traumas, and I don't find any joy from the games, but instead it reminds me of a version of myself who needed to cope and I also struggled with eating like you are now. Its a huge comfort thing too, and it sounds like self love is something you are really struggling with. Honestly I don't know how you will be able to love this woman properly or her child without the ability to love yourself. I have a buddy who I met earlier this year who has a channel on youtube, and is in the process of opening spiritual healing retreat centers. The channel is called FinallyDetached, and I would share the link but I dont know the sites rules. That page has recordings he has made that have singing bowls and the healing frequencies can be very moving, as well as videos explaining the chakras and how to use them and understand their energy to balance yourself as a man or woman. ho'oponopono is a practice I believe would benefit your greatly in relation to your father and to yourself. Im going to start my journal tomorrow, and hopefully we can keep each other motivated in regards to some of our other less glorious habits such as masturbation etc. I am a virgin as well, and I just hope even if you are working out for her and to feel adequate that you can make sure its for you mainly. I laughed reading that you stop videogames for a week and had a girlfriend with a girl from school, because when I was a senior this freshman girl I had a huge crush on was walking really slow after school one day hoping I would catch up to her and talk to her, and I just walked by and giggled like a freak. I have probably not had a whole week off of games since I started playing them regularly 15 years ago, except for like early life family vacations, before tablets and smartphones ruined the restaurant wait time after you all order. My elders are usually on their phones at the table more than I am at 22. Love you man.