Mhyrion

Of course, I got bored out of my mind. I took a break this morning, and realized most of my breaks are filled with useless videos. Now I got the 'this site is blocked' pop up every now and then while browsing. When I got too bored browsing through facebook, and was up to date with the GQ forum and Beyond group, I started working on my study. I continued working on it, even though I was extremely bored. I didn't have anything better to do anyway. I am preparing myself to feel more of this boredom the coming days. I am hoping it will not be weeks. Right now I've reached a point where I am both bored and out of focus and it starting to make me feel stressed. Now I am aware of that, I can take proper action on it. I will go outside to get some fresh air, perhaps I manage to study some more after that.

I can highly recommend sharing your journal with the GF. My hubby reads mine and it leads to a lot of understanding. I don't think he'll ever grasp how I keep going back to games, but he sees my struggle (it's real) and we can connect about it.

@Cam Adair The link doesn't work right, but I believe I saw the vid you're referring to. I think Simon looks and talks like a knows-it-all, so I always have a tough time taking him serious. But, to the point, I guess instant gratification really is a theme for this generation, and certainly for my life. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Interestingly enough, I had even more trouble getting out of bed this morning then yesterday. I made a ton of sleeping hours this week, but I feel tired non the less. I have been procrastinating on my study tasks today, I guess going back to bed is just one of the ways to avoid it. Trying to figure out what seems so unappealing. I actually had a good plan to make some sketches come alive (FINALLY!), so that should make me excited. Except it doesn't. I've been wondering, rather then only cutting games, if I also cut out easy entertainment out of my life, perhaps I can get used to being not super entertained all of the time. And less entertaining things can become more appealing again. Of course, there'll always be unfun/tedious/shitty tasks and things at life. But right now things that should motivate and inspire me, don't do that to a satisfying extent or to the extent I know they can. I can instantly watch a yt vid when bored or uninspired but firstly, it doesn't make me any less bored or any more inspired and secondly it gives a signal that I don't have to sit and be with myself and that being any less then instantly and brain-dead entertained is a bad thing. I don't think it is a bad thing at all and if I want to live to be 80, I better get used to me. There, blocked some brain-dead entertainment sites I like right now. Immediately wondering how long it will take to get used to a life without instant entertainment, but it will be worth it if I can enjoy other things more. BRING ON THE CRAVINGS! *warrior shouts* Thinking some more, instant gratification is not only a thing for entertainment for me, it is -of course- also the same with food. My food habits have spiraled out of control again to the point I am almost back at square one. But I cannot simply stop eating to reset my brain. Or stop eating sugar all together to reset that part of the brain. I cannot even stop buying mainly-sugar-products because hubby likes them and I do the groceries. I guess the first step is the same as last time, provide healthy options for myself. Back on that. Wait... Now I'll have both game, entertainment and food cravings at the same time. I am not sure how that's going to work for me.

+1

Gratz on one week!

@Simms I'm inspirational now... Woo! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I had trouble getting out of bed this morning (or rather, I went back in), which is atypical for me when in a happy mood. When I finally got out I was productive for a while, but only for a short time. I got a headache in the afternoon which severely limited me. I took care of the most important stuff however. I had some very strong game cravings today when I was on my way home. I felt like 'damn, it would be awesome to play my favourite champion right now, I'd be so useful and it would be fun too (etc)'. Which was a bit of a strange thought, because I was useful enough today and the spring-like weather ensured that I felt good, with or without a headache. I bribed myself with a milkshake; can have a milkshake, can't have games. That settled it and gave me some room to think about it. It's not much of a solution though, and it would make me super fat if I'd handle everything that way. (BUT, rather fat and happy then gaming while skinny!) I should find other ways to bribe/distract myself. Especially when having a headache, which happens often, and eating/drinking something sugary isn't exactly helping to feel better in that aspect. In a way, I feel like I still haven't found all the activities I need to replace gaming. Only faith, hubby and friends feel quite as satisfying, but anything else, especially study related things seem so dull and…. Unfun. I am a spoiled brat as it comes to entertainment. I've been wondering lately if it's not just the whole generation that suffers from it. Binging on series seems to be something everyone I know at the same age or somewhat younger, can relate to. Also waiting for something; progress, results, whatever, seems so tedious and not very common. I am not used to waiting to get what I want. It's supposed to be all instant, right? Instant food, instant levels, instant access. Perhaps I do not only need more patience with myself, but more patience in general. Also, the Netherlands have voted. We are not going to have mini-Trump as prime-minister! But we also have 13 (!!) different parties in…… Wait, I don't know English words for politics.. *scratches head* (…) … main government?? Cabinet? Anyway, 13 parties are going to make things pretty bureaucratic and slow, which concerns me a bit. I just realized btw, that I am totally making true the quote I set as my signature here. Ha.

I am back to my happy peak. I am enjoying it today. The sun was also shining today, things like that really help. I was pretty productive, but I am through my focus now. But I am satisfied that I have only done activities today that I want to do. No procrastination. That doesn't mean I did the most important stuff first, but still. It's pretty easy being patient and kind with myself when happy and doing useful things.

Thanks for your support guys! <3 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've been recovering from my relapse and terrible mood. I have not been greatly productive, also because I totally dumped the good habits I build up. Gotta get those back on track again. Being consistent really isn't my strong point. Completing the goals I set for myself (like completing a morning routine everyday) is not faring too well either with my relapses. I also feel like I put to much worth on my morning routine, not doing it doesn't automatically means my day is ruined. It greatly helps to do them, it's not to be underestimated, but I shouldn't go on a guilt trip every time I skip it (partly). But the one habit I want to pick back up asap is eating and drinking healthy again. I was so happy with more energy, and now I am destroying it again. Maybe I should consider myself a sugar addict too. Today I had an energy drink, the first after a month or so soda free. It's nice (?) to notice the effect is has on my focus, because it is utterly destroyed. I wasn't aware that the effect was so big, but experiencing it like this is a good wake up call. Lately I've been indulging myself in sermons and social activities from church, and it makes me happy. Tonight we have another meeting, and I am really looking forward to it. Last time I picked up translating (we're watching English spoken sermons), and that really made me feel useful and happy. The preacher also has a fat accent and mumbles at times, so I feel it's improving my English listening skills at the same time I learn new things. They're happy evenings too, with a lot of laughing and smiling and funny/powerful Holy Ghost things. It feels weird to move back to all this, but also comforting and, dare I say it, purposeful. I believe I've said in this journal before that I cannot go back to my Christianity without going fully (and radically) for it, and I believe I can. I am not sure how much of it I want to share here, faith and the internet normally don't go well together. So, I told myself that I don't want to be a rollercoaster, that I should not say this time and again about myself as it is confirming an image that I do not want to be true about my life. But then I see what I wrote today, and what I wrote yesterday morning, and I cannot deny the mood swings that are happening. It feels strange to enjoy my happiness today, as it, considering the downs that it will be in between, will be short and feels in that way superficial.

I had a great week, until I relapsed again. I was super busy, doing all kind of things I wanted to do. Put in a lot of study hours, caught up with my sister, had good conversations with my hubby. I was super chaotic though, which led to some frustration. I decided to be kind with myself, but I was making it really hard to do so. I went to get groceries without bags. Half an hour lost. I got to the train station without my card. Another half an hour lost. I took a intercity instead of a sprinter train. Another half an hour lost and also 15 euros. And then I forgot a skype appointment, which made me feel very irresponsible and untrustworthy. I tried to laugh it off and/or be relaxed about it. But it all added up, I was done with it. I came home at Thursday night, somewhat frustrated. I had a headache, and the train failed me, but it was not tóó bad. I was very happy with my progress for my study this week, I was proud to be consistent with my morning routine. I was reasonably happy. But on Friday…. On Friday, I woke up, headache wasn't gone yet. I felt like shit due to my period, but I knew it was coming. I had an appointment at the academy, to ensure that I would be productive. But hubby was also gone for two days. And hubby being gone, means the opportunity to relapse. This has taught me that there's something wrong with my reasons to stay game free and progress. I don't need to stay game free for my hubby, although that's one of the best reasons. But I should do it for me. My relapse was really bad. I played for about 30 hours straight, no sleep, loads of coffee, only a couple of small activities of at most a half hour in between. I didn't even do this shit when I was gaming every day. If you know me, you know that my nights sleep is sacred to me. Sleep deprivation was an interesting physical experience, but I rather not repeat. Hubby has now disabled me from downloading my favourite venom, I am probably not crafty enough to bypass whatever he did to lock me out. On one hand I'm happy with this, because it's a form of help. On the other hand I want this to not be necessary, but it is. After relapsing I felt really bad. I still do. I want to snap out of it. Change the meaning of this shit from struggle into challenge. I fail. Everything feels like a fucking struggle challenge today. It is pathetic. I have to go to the academy to save my stuff which I left in the room that's no longer under my reservation today. Besides that I promised hubby to stay alive and not harm myself today, which should be attainable. I can't imagine how hubby feels about me right now. It must be super frustrating for him too, to have a wife that just keeps falling back into old and harmful habits. He's been so kind to me, hugging and cuddling me, putting up with all my crying. I don't know what I would do without him. He said I could call him when things get too bad. I told him we both know I will never do that. That's part of the problem. When things go to shit, I will not inform anyone. I have so many people in my life that have offered me to be there for me, that I can app/text/call them when I need them. But I never do. It's too great a risk to show this irrational, dark side of me. Especially if I have to face them irl after that. I can't even put up with myself, let alone other people. This is also part of the problem, the fact that I just can't stand myself to be around with 24/7. Geez, who would want that? I can't keep up how I am 100% happy the one moment and 100% depressed at the other moment. And how I know what actions to undertake, but I just don't do those. Or what actions to avoid and purposefully choosing to do those when I am in one of my destructive moods. My self-knowledge is more often times hurting me then helping me. I don't understand the whole 'I feel bad, let's make it worse' kind of moods I get into. Why? Sitting it out would be a better option then making it worse on purpose. I feel like no matter what I do, I'll always end up exactly like this. And that makes me want to forget about life at all. What's the point of it if I can't change the outcome? I don't care if I can be happy for 2 months in a row if I still end up like this miserable ball of human I am now. I can't build a stable and respectable life around being unstable.

I am back to my happy state and today has been a good day so far. The only thing that really went wrong is that I decided to breakfast with chocolate. But, besides that.. I've been productive for my study and might've found a media music student that's willing to make music for my animations. That would be super awesome. It also motivated me to update some of my old sketches and adjust the wording of my concept. I need to be able to convey my ideas on this person who's not into visual image making, so it needs to be clear. I also done a lot of little household and administration tasks, and as a result my head has much space to think now. My commitment to my morning routine is having a good effect. Now I need to stay consistent (and not get cocky and think I can go without) I am also committed to staying kind and patience with myself. This is having a good effect also. I am less afraid to make mistakes this way.

30 days! Good job!!

Day 97 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He is a Game Quitters Legend, and the Official Game Quitters Ambassador to Spain: @Hitaru ^.^ <3 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Today was once more a not so productive day for my study. This morning I felt like I did all the steps to be productive. I did my morning routine, I had a schedule, I felt fine emotionally. But I still was so attracted to procrastinating. So there had to be something wrong, else I wouldn't act in that way. But I couldn't find the cause. When I went outside for a walk, I started to feel nervous. I still don't know why, it didn't make sense. I guess it still doesn't really. It's getting a bit frustrating again, but I've learned this week that being patience with myself is a lot more useful. So I am going to try to be kind and patient with myself. I also got to the conclusion that I do not like the way I perceive life. I rather see challenges instead of struggles, opportunities for growth instead of potential to fail. That's also why I need more patience with myself, because a lot of these changes are going to take time and consistency over time.

Day 96 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- @Simms @Senescence @fil @Cam Adair Thanks for your replies. I appreciate it! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh my, I forgot to update my journal. I did write some but I didn't get around to post anything. Long story short, my lack of consistency led to a lot of procrastinating, which led to feeling down, which in turn cascaded to a relapse past Monday. I am grateful that I only relapsed for 10 hours (I was very "efficient" with those hours though). This week wasn't the most productive, but I have spend a lot of time with on self development and social things. So it doesn't feel like a bad week to me. I also didn't procrastinate much, and if I did I stopped myself before going down to low quality shit. I didn't end up watching things that I don't have interest in. Right now I have (once more) committed myself to staying consistent. Gotta get those morning routines down and the rest of the days will follow.

Welcome!

Gratz on the first week!

Day 63 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Game free: 32 days Soda free: 33 days No junk food: 0 days -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh, if I could be consistent. I crumbled again yesterday and today. I keep reminding myself that failing is ok, that I can learn from it. If I don't do the learning part, it's never going to get better. But when I feel like I feel right now, it's hard to focus on positive things. It's like positive never existed. I feel like in daily life, over time I build up a lot of negative energy. And then I crumble once it gets too much. So I need to find a way to deal with that. The point is that I am not really aware of it building up. When it's building up it's just a bit of a vague feeling that I am very used to suppress. I only notice all this when it's too late. Just reflecting a tiny bit on my life, suppressing emotions and exploding while hiding is a bit of a pattern. When I was a little kid it would be angry fits of rage. Later I just sobbed and cried in my room. And then sobbing turned into listening to dark music and cutting myself as a teenager. And that turned into gaming binges. So I need more awareness to prevent going into hiding. I feel like this time I put the hiding phase off pretty long, but it was painful to do. I felt myself slipping into confusion. In a way I'd rather not be aware of it and just get it over with. I gave a second try to the compliment a stranger challenge. I failed. But I'm becoming very aware of people in public and all my habits to avoid contact. I was nervous to go out in public for the first time in years, which really bothered me. The awareness of how many people are actually there just freaked me out a bit (note, I live in the quietest little town). The awareness of my contact avoiding habits is more positive. I tried to look a bit more approachable today. I actually said hi to persons in the swimming pool. Although I am not sure why I would actually want that. Except for maybe completing a silly challenge, but why do I really want it? I saw someone else in the Beyond group getting a date, and that's nice. But I don't need dates, I am happy with my friends and the local people… well. On the one hand, what kind of cool strangers could I miss? On the other hand, strangers here are usually either the elderly or parents with kids, so not something I would like contact with. I just realized I find that so fucking uninspiring. I lived in Amsterdam for 4 months, that was way better. There's different cultures, different religions, different colours, creative things to do. Here's just this white, boring, politically correct bubble. I don't like my white bubble. Anyway, maybe it will be more interesting and easier for me to connect with some strangers at the academy. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm grateful for: -Hitaru -phone -water bottle -wine -sun

Day 63 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yesterday I gave up. I woke up early, but I felt sick. I´ve been having a cold for a week now and it's seriously starting to annoy me to wake up exhausted after 8+ hours of sleep. So I thought perhaps I just needed more sleep, so I went back to bed. When I finally got out again it was about 10 am, 4 hours later then my usual wake up time. I didn't feel extra rested, but I did my best Shia Lebeouf impression in my mind to get started on my morning routine. I started with exercise, and since I didn't went cycling with my hubby and the weather was dreadful and stormy, I decided to try out the 7 minute workout routine that was referred to in the Beyond group. Mainly because I could stay inside that way. I couldn't do half of the exercises, a push up, yea, um, no, can't do. So instead of feeling energized I felt defeated. I thought something along the lines of, I can't tap into my emotions, I can't do a simple workout routine and I can't conquer a fucking cold. So instead of just feeling exhausted, I now felt exhausted, slow and sweaty. I just didn't feel any more strength left in me and I gave up and went into hiding. Hiding consisted mainly of watching the most useless series of all time while eating cookies and chocolate. I really hated myself and didn't care about whatever consequences there'd be. I knew I'd be (extra) sick when starting to eat the chocolate. It's my rational mind saying 'Please don't, you'll be sick and even more miserable. You have healthier options, those are good too. You already had cookies.' And my defeatist attitude is like 'Fuck me, Imma eat this chocolate and I don't care if that makes me sick and you're already miserable anyway. It can't get much worse. You have no power to stop yourself anyway. Give up.' And I realized I am in the exact same position as I was last time I relapsed to gaming. It's the same fucking day even. I had a not very productive start of the week, nothing I would be proud of anyway. I caved into junkfood and had an emotional crisis on Thursday and fell asleep crying. I just feel everything is so overwhelming. I feel weak and unable to do what I expect myself to do. No emotional control, no progress in study, and right now I also feel unable to comply with the Beyond challenge, which is complimenting a stranger. I want to push myself to do it, but all it does is make me nervous and feel incompetent. I am rather fine with casually ignoring people in public spaces, reducing them to the obstacles they are. (I don't even want to know what this opinion says about me) Although I want to push my comfort zone, I want to do it in a way that feels useful to me too. Talking to strangers doesn't seem useful to me. I tried to do the challenge yesterday, maybe not the best thing while feeling miserable already, and I just hated the guts of every single stranger I saw. The cashier was the only one I was obliged to exchange words with, and I didn't like her hair, didn't like her face, and there was nothing more notable about her. Nothing worthy enough to step out of my comfort zone. Let's try and stop the rant. I will go swimming at 8:30, to clear my mind. I will try and complete some study related work. And I'll have a skype call at 16:00 with Hitaru. I can't relapse, I have to talk to Hitaru and I don't want to look weak and vulnerable. Perfect logic putting in here in this journal for him to read. Fucking hell, I'll tell him how pathetic I feel right away anyway. I really want to believe I am stronger then the last time. I just don't believe it right now.

The best of luck Steve!

Day 61 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Game free: 30 days Soda free: 31 days No junk food: 4 days -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The past few days felt tough, constantly trying to describe what my feelings are and not really managing is pretty draining. You know, at a point the only thing I felt was frustration because I was unable to get a hold of my other emotions. I felt pretty unmotivated and tired. It has been good practise though. I have been writing down some feelings throughout the day, nothing real special, but there's a negativity to it that I don't like. I seem to notice negative things a lot faster then positive. Like noticing how getting in touch with me emotions is hard on me, and not noticing the effort and amount of time I put in. I feel a strong need to hide, in any way possible. It's like my brain is constantly trying to seduce me into anything that would make a good hiding spot. Gaming, eating, sleeping. Annoying and catchy music that you cannot stop thinking about and prevent you to use your brain at all. Also, I am starting to see a pattern (or did I mention this already?) between being hungry and being stressed. I have trouble telling them apart. So I eat a lot of times when I am not actually hungry, but just stressed. I've neglected exercise in my morning routine, even though I liked it a lot last week. And I didn't feel really motivated to make the most of the rest of the routine. I should be more focused on starting my days well, it goes a long way for energy, mood and motivation. I feel like I have poor willpower atm. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm grateful for: -swimming pool -skype -paint -banana's

Sorry to see you struggle. It could help to keep a gratitude list in this journal, or anywhere really. For me, even if I did not do much in the start of quitting gaming, starting and ending the day in a grateful state of mind was really helpful. It can be the simplest things, you don't actually need to have accomplished anything that day to still appreciate things in your life. Like, I am grateful having hands to type this message with

Day 59 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Game free: 28 days Soda free: 29 days No junk food: 2 days -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Been so busy with Beyond and thinking in general that I didn't find the time to write. My thoughts are still a little chaotic, I am sorting things out. I really feel like being in a progress that will lead to good. We talked about emotions, connecting with yourself, trusting yourself. I feel like I have no intelligence on this area, which makes it scary and big. I am used to understanding things/concepts quickly, I had to rewatch the call to let it make sense. But it makes sense now. I still don't know how to increase my need to reach out and connect to people, but I know how to -in theory-. I just don't feel much need to share things in general. If you're my friend and I don't call you in three months, I genuinely didn't think about doing that in three months. After that I might begin to feel curious about how you're doing. And procrastinate a little bit on that. I don't think it has to do with not caring, I just don't feel a need to contact other people often. Maybe I can find the root of this and see if that's really true or there are other things at play. I am planning to do am committed to do some of the 3 emotion exercises this week and also see if there are deciding experiences in my life that have determined who I am today. I think that might lead to something. I've been thinking about this one thing in the call, about having a relationship with yourself. I thought that was very interesting. Like, I think I'm okay to be with most of the times. But I'm not really enthusiastic about myself and that shows up in the rest of my life. I mean, I can be enthusiastic, but I will never lose myself in that or get overjoyed. It's just a bit meh all of the time. Mediocre enthusiasm. My ability to bounce back has been greatly improved since starting my journey. Last Friday morning I felt like shit, but I recovered and was productive a bit later that day. I am really glad and proud of achieving that.

If you can do it one day, you can do any other day. I know you can. Remind yourself why you are doing this if you feel like giving up, and what you have accomplished so far. Even though emotional you might feel burdened, you can rationally see the change you already have made in your life. And if you´re a rollercoaster like me, after a down always comes an up. Perhaps next time you´re up you can come up with a plan to make down times more bearable or last shorter. For me it had a lot to do with having no energy to do things and being in a vulnerable decision making state when having no energy. So I looked for ways to improve energy levels. For you it might also be energy, but perhaps something else that you can find out and work on.

Getting other activities, like going to the gym, to replace gaming is really key. Good job on taking action!

You can do it!

Welcome!