Marquess

Day 6: Into the Void Everything is slowly getting worse. WoW and booze do a great job at masking my mental problems that tend to manifest as unstable mood and low energy levels. To counteract it, I'm going back to ketosis yet again. Today is the first day of a water (and some green tea) fast, which will last about 5 days or so. I've done it a few times before, so it's not a big deal. In fact, I suggest this to everyone -- it's possible that you've been eating certain types of food that have been hurting you your entire life. The only reason you don't notice it is because you've gotten used to it. I know that's the case with me, anyway. I simply can't stand the normal, high carb food, especially if it's grain based. I was eating paleo for about two weeks prior to bread and processed meat debauchery that I've fallen into recently. It's just a matter of time before I start overeating if I don't eat low carb. If I were to eat a normal diet, I'd have to be one of those people that aren't allowed to have food at home because they just binge randomly if they do. That's not a problem with ketogenic diet. Eating keto food does feel great in every way, but you don't get the rush that carbs provide; it's more of a slow burn. That's just one of the benefits: since you don't get the carbs high, you also don't crush an hour later. No food cravings, no hunger, you just eat once or twice a day and it's fine. Too bad I'm broke, which means no fancy meat, or seafood, or cheese. Sardines and eggs, here we go. That and tons of different low carb vegetables drenched and baked in amounts of coconut oil that would make a normal person start talking about "a heart attack". Y, no. High fat, moderate protein, and low carb diet will in help improve all aspects of your health + it actually makes you lose weight. Most people, in fact, still use it to drop weight. Anyway, this is where I'm at. I have to say that this 90 days effort was a great idea: it does provide a sort of a framework that gives you a sense of achievement with each day. Too bad I haven't done it earlier, but that seems to be a reoccurring theme these days. 4 days to turning 30. I've browsed Google and YouTube for anything non generic about turning 30, and it's all a giant orgy of feel good faggotry. Since when are we supposed to spend 10 years to "found ourselves" in our 20's? I thought that's what teenage years were for. Yet here we are. A drunken 20yo from the US posted a status in all caps a few minutes ago. "IM DRUNK MESSAGE M ALL UR SECRETS!!!!". People are replying instantly with gifs, questions, jokes. Fun, friends, energy, carelessness. Meanwhile, no one gives a shit what I think. I kind of like my FB feed. It's a weird combination of borderline neo nazis, goths in late 20s that are mostly on the left, and now drunken 20yo trans girls from US. What I don't like is that even my local skinheads are now talking about fucking Roosh. They think he wants to rape everyone, and in response, they're making memes about cutting off his penis.* Come on. My comment on it is: * This journal is a trigger warning free safe space.

I like the quotes :X. Massive thumbs down for not getting a pic though :C. :U

Day 5: Sex in the City I'm focusing on self improvement and effectively live a lifestyle that resembles a monastic one. I see people talking about girls, how to meet girls, where to meet girls, how to talk to girls. I really don't care all that much about them right now; I have more important things to do. We are men, we are creators and leaders. Such carnal subjects are something we can put aside when more important business is at hand. Then I get some picture of two 17 year olds on FB. Completely unintentional -- I think one of them is a niece of some 40 year old libertarian I don't really know -- and all I see is a huge sign saying "PLS IMPREGNATE US SENPAI". You can't defeat your biology, and neither can they. That said, I think the perfect age is around 20 years old. Ignoring the potential legal issues 17 year olds present, there are definite benefits to dating someone who can at least somewhat pass as a "young adult" and can chatter about more than just how she hates girl X and how professor Y was a jerk. The spring is almost here. The weather has been mostly sunny which I've been taking advantage of by taking walks. I demonstrably feel a lot better after being exposed to sunlight, and there's tons of science (and common sense) to back it up. It's still against my instincts that tell me to stay inside and do whatever, so I need to bully myself to leave the apartment half the time. But it's pretty good once I do get out. I hoped that I'll be able to attend events and festivals this summer, but it'll most probably more about working as much as I can through it all. Next year, there's always next year ... until it isn't. I'm turning 30 in 5 days, and the concept of time as a commodity is becoming more and more tangible. Not much to add to that. I've listened to some video where a girl* talks about how women tend to solve problems by building relationships while men do it by setting and achieving goals. That wasn't the best way to put it: I'd say men are more goal-oriented, and women more relationships-oriented, but we all need both to succeed. The problem when it comes to mental health professionals, as she continued to explain, is that most of them are women (and middle aged at that, which is a tragedy in its own). How can a middle aged woman understand what young men are going through; she can't. I maintain that the only middle aged woman a man in his 20s should hang out with is his mother. I'm starting to drop present perfect for past simple here and there since it just sounds more natural and better. Spamming all those "have" and "has been", while technically correct, just makes me feel pretentious. But I intend to remain super conservative about it. *Enjoy 2016 when a lot of them pass 100% and almost never mention it. I'd say that's the best form of activism. (If you've read my recent posts you know what I'm talking about.) TOUCH TOUCH

You may also want to try listening to various noises while working/studying (some even use them for falling asleep): https://www.youtube.com/user/RelaxingWhiteNoise My favorite is the Star Ship Hyperdrive White Noise, but there are lots of different ones.

Day 4: Great Expecations (or More Disorganized Rambling and Crass Language) I don't know if you guys are very much into electronic dance music, this is the song I've been listening to for the last few days: Renard - Great Expectations (Exhilaration Remix) I suggest you check his other work if you're into electro/hardcore/breakcore/??? and also furries. I have no idea why people are getting so worked out about furries, really. It's just a fucking cosplay. They bash furries, but some qt girl dressed as Link is then hot and awesome. Then you get some guy named Common Filth making YT videos about them and girls with colored hair. They're almost all teenagers. This fat chain smoker (I can tell by his voice) has made a number of videos essentially complaining about teenagers being teenagers on Vine or whatever kids use these days. Get the fuck out; you're not exposing the "modern degeneracy"; you're just being a cunt. Yes, a cunt as you don't even deserve to be called a dick. Shit, that's misogynistic. Oh well. I think I'll back off from my research of the trans-o-sphere for a while because I may be fine by traversing swamps, but the area I'm at now is best described as a pit of darkness and despair. What the fuck is this End adultism? First, this is a completely made up word, and second, Jesus fuck, the implications. They're basically supporting the idea that a child can accurately determine his gender (no, I won't replace "his" with "their", fuck your pronoun correctness) and be then put on hormones at a very young age if needed. Not to mention some of the posts are even more insane and promote other forms of child abuse. How can this exist on Facebook. Sigh. Daily outrage to fill the void. I guess that this is ultimately no different than a website that says all blacks are animals and should be treated as such. Such ideas have nothing to do with the alternative right, a part of which I consider myself to be, yet someone trying to research our views is still likely to stumble into them. Even so, I can't shake the feeling that there's something more sinister at play in the trans community. Leo Gura reminded me of something I more or less knew all along, but rarely kept it in mind. The vast, vast majority of people, in fact everyone to some degree, chose to belong to groups and adopt beliefs because they make them feel good. To paste a quote I've shared on my FB: It's one of those supposed truisms that everyone claims to be aware of, yet we rarely actually think about them or let them effect our attitudes. That doesn't mean supporting causes in itself can't be beneficial. If anything, it can help us to be more effective at promoting them ... or adjusting our opinions/dropping them completely at some point. Sigh. I've been eating normal food for two weeks now. The result is: I feel absolutely terrible. Everything is bloated and inflamed. I have no choice but to go back to keto again and stay in it for good ... I've tried paleo, but any kind of higher carb diet just leads to me impulsively overeating sooner or later. Especially now. It's just annoying. No girls today. Have this instead.

I remember how, years ago, I must've been 25 or so, I told an acquaintance that we're both pathetic fuckers who should be glad that anything good happens to them at all. The only difference between us, I said, was that I'm aware of it and he isn't. Says a lot in what a wretched mental frame I was back then. Income disparity is a difficult topic I don't claim to have an informed opinion on. I would say that there are certain jobs that only a limited amount of people can do. Jobs that are vital for functioning of companies (or societies), positions that contribute to their advancement or even survival on a very direct and personal level. I'm not sure if we should even worry about what the income gap between a, say, CEO and a physical laborer is. While they're both working for the same cause, they exist on a completely different levels and in fact live in different worlds. If the CEO is paid well, and if that motivates him to do a great job, the worker will benefit from that as well -- if the company is in a good place, the chances of increasing workers' salaries are better. On the other hand, I've seen many cases when companies were doing poorly, workers had to get by without being paid regularly (or at all), but their managers and owners continued to squeeze them for profit ... and even dared to show their faces in front of cameras without a hint of guilt. In my limited experience, these companies often had ties with the government that offered them financial aid too, so perhaps a case for libertarian, free market economy could be made here. But I don't know enough about economics to argue for it. If I were trying to pass as a sort of a lifestyle guru, I'd rave about how you need to be your own personal CEO: You, inc. I think it's not a bad outlook to go with. Since you're now a free business man who, from what I can tell from your journal, also has a moral sense, you're now entitled to everything you earn by engaging in free trade. Everything you gain is deserved by default.

To visualize the negatives of relapsing is a good start. But think also about the positive things wich will await you in your future.Picture them. Often. Helps to motivate me atleast;) gratulations on trying again anyway. I will check in here again.gl man you got this Absolutely. Positive visualization ist krieg. Yeah, I know the technical details of this whole ordeal that this topic is are awkward and don't make for a terribly majestic story. I pretty much lied about not relapsing, for which I apologize to everyone here. Knowledge isn't a large issue; it's more about just going through with it. I know there's a lot to say about addiction, recovery, etc, and these topics need to be discussed as a part of the process, but there are times when John Cena-style bro-tivation isn't out of place. I'm not going to YouTube it, I'll just imagine it. Day 3: Not in Kansas Yet (I don't know) I don't know whether it's a good idea to write about actual gaming here, but I'm clearly going to do it, so let's just go with it. My only real goal, more like an obsession, was to make a TBC balance druid work in PVP. But Marchosias, you'll say, what do you mean with TBC? Not only the expansion hasn't been available for years, (but) I also have no idea what TBC even is as I've never played World of Warcraft. Sure, don't worry. It's just a not terribly viable way of playing that can be tweaked in a number of ways. With the right equipment, right abilities, playstyle, and mindset, it's possible to make it somewhat successful. You'll still get facerolled by, say, warlocks for no reason, but at least you won't be helpless. I'm writing about this because even back then, I often thought that what I'm doing with the balance druid is akin to my actual life. Nothing was truly effective, and while I managed to hold a retarded office job and have some sort of a social life, nothing functioned that well. Sure, I could go out and meet girls, I could afford to spend some money on (small) luxuries that I can't afford now, yet, meh, my intellectual life back then consisted of reading Elitist Jerks (WoW theorycrafting site) and writing snarky FB comments. I stopped reading, I stopped meeting new people, discussing new ideas. I only had 3 girlfriends in that entire time, and two of them were subpar. Instead of rolling a mage or a warlock, I kept trying to make my way with a spec that wasn't going anywhere. But fuck WoW. Why aren't we treating that shit like meth already. Most gamers are miserable. You can have your #gamergate if you wish, but let's not pretend playing a video game 10 hours a day is somehow a part of a healthy lifestyle. What #GG did was great in spite of the fact that it was driven by gamers. Not because of it.

Dude, you now basically have to talk to me every day, AND you're replying here as well? We need to plan this, or it's gonna turn awkward FAST :P. I think the last time WoW's been truly fun for me was in 2012, so it's not that much about fun, but more about just getting over the addiction. (Despite the lack of subject, comma before "but" is correct here because I'm emphasizing contrast. Grammar Girl says so in her book. Ok. This is more of a note to myself.) In all my 8 years of playing, I don't think I ever took a break longer than a month. I kinda doubt it was ever longer than three weeks actually ... so we'll see what 90 days does, lol. I think it should be fairly effective since the game isn't fun, I know I'm addicted, I actually know what I want to do, and I also have you people here. And everything's gonna be horrible for me if I don't quit.

I'd totally join that gang :3. Those are all very different things that you've listed, though :P. I don't know whether transsexuals are any more in BDSM than other people ... but I can show you entire subreddits where everyone would be outraged by you suggesting that members of a gender minority are more likely to engage in alternative sexual practices just because their sexual identities don't conform the norms. YOU RACIST SHITLORD REPORTED :((

If you're interested in making a living as a writer, you must check out this amazing page. I just ran into it and I'm heading down to Maserati dealership later today. The first step was the hardest though. Y, I would really like to get rich by providing e-porn for my geographical area. No one's doing it right now, and e-readers are just becoming popular here. I worry every day that I'll miss the opportunity. Now someone's going to read this here and do it before me. There you go, wow. Visual novels that aren't high school matchmaking comedic dramas. Boom. But really, I do think there's a sizable potential in that ... at least when the current VN readers grow up. But perhaps the typical VN reader just enjoys this type of stuff regardless of his age; that would certainly fit the stereotype. 30-something single men masturbating to anime girls. And focusing on fapping is actually omitting the most troubling part: they're also emotionally connecting with them. Saying "my waifu" without irony. (Hanako, perhaps there's a life in which we can be together ...) But yes, schools suck. Would've been better if everyone were to just shut up and not look at anyone. Just ban talking and looking at people, so everyone can then focus on their jobs, and we don't care what you do outside the school. We can talk politics if you wan't, but I don't really want to because I'm a little more determined than most in that regard. I think I've seen Cam mention Trump on Twitter though but even so. Holy Mountain, hm. Do they have group sex? ABOUT VERY IMPORTANT NEWS: I DON'T THINK YOU ACTUALLY GET TO ENROLL ANYWHERE IN A TECHNICAL SENSE. I THINK YOU JUST SAY YOU'RE STARTING? MAYBE NOT. BUT THAT'S HOW I DID IT. HOW LONG HAVE YOU NOT BEEN GAMING SO FAR? BECAUSE YOU COULD ADD THAT TO YOUR DAY COUNT. OR NOT.

1. 2. 2016, somewhere in the depths of Transylvania As our expedition ventured further into the dark reaches of Transylvania, we encountered yet another peculiar tribe. They aren't native to the land, for they were all born female and plan to remain ones. What's more, they're submitting themselves to the blood gods of feminism, which is a practice not uncommon in Trans-ylvania, but the ways of this certain group are far more brutal and devout. Compared to them, even the nations of SJW Islands seem reasonable and even-minded. Therefore, as you will soon learn, it's not surprising that these feminist cultists decide to send their war parties to Transylvania. Our team had to be very careful while examining their beliefs. It is speculated that many of them are able to detect the scent of male genitalia from as far as 5 miles, so we had to exercise great care to remain downwind from their encampment. Any kind of conflict would be difficult since our group was only lightly armed, and their she-fighters are known to attack any bipedal men without question. Finally, we managed to approach their camp and observe from a well hidden position. Their beliefs are as follows: the human society is still dominated by patriarchy and inherently hateful to everything that is female. Males seek to subjugate and exploit all women while feeling great hatred for them. As a result of that, many females in turn hate themselves because their minds have been affected by a lifetime of male oppression. This, in a case of female-to-male (FtM) transgenders, results in a misguided belief that they are males and must expose themselves to a number of hormonal and surgical treatments to in fact become men and finally live their lives in happiness. Of course, they see this as a mutilation of their divine femininity, which should be cherished and nurtured instead of obliterated. Little do they care for their struggles: one must obey the feminist (vaginal) blood gods of perish. The tribes native to Transylvania respond to their attacks in two of ways. Many will simply avoid them, but some attack them on sight with great ferocity. During the 24 hours we set aside for observation, one such skirmish took place, and I will tell you this: us men are known to fight often and hard, but the sights we have witnessed on that day will haunt us forever. One often likes to think that there's a sense of honor, perhaps even brotherhood, among enemies in battle -- not in this case. The relentless bloodshed between the inhabitants of Trans-lands and the feminist blood cultists is devoid of any humanity or hope. They fight because they must. And when they fight, they hope to die. People on Transylvania are indeed a troubled folk. Even so, in our travels, we have so far visited a number of settlements that were peaceful and even prosperous to a degree. It is a harsh land, and many of them are not proud without a reason. As I'm writing this, my team is already asleep, and I better join them. Tomorrow, we ride at sunrise.

Very good, guys. I'll consider you liking my previous post as a resounding "YES" to the question in my edit note. I'm not even slightly surprised. And I agree. Day 2: Ride Dat Pink Cloud (Again pointing out that it's actually been a couple more days.) I still fell fairly good about everything, yet I know it won't last. It can't last. When you quit something that you're well aware is damaging to you, there's a sort of a reward mechanism that kicks in. For a while, you're convinced that quitting is no big deal, that you truly were stupid not to do it before, and that it'll be easy. Straight up from here on now! Well, maybe. But probably not. I'm not writing this to diminish that fact that I'm finally doing this. Kortheo called my bluff first thing when I contacted him for accountability partnership, and I'm sure others could see or at least heavily suspect that I haven't documented all my relapses here. It's pretty much during every posting gap. Don't look. I have to point this out to be fair to myself and to you who read this. I don't want to base this on any sort of pretense: I've fucked up before and this may get difficult. I can guarantee that I'll complete these 90 days no matter what, but I have no plans regarding gaming after that. I may just reinstall and play. Try to balance it around my other activities for a while then give up after five days and just play 24/7. I can't say this sounds appealing at all. But we'll see. It's just that I don't see these 90 days being doable by not allowing myself to at least leave some room for gaming ... after those three months pass. The alternative is effectively deciding to quit forever and never play again, and then it's not 90 days at all: it's just forever. And what's the point of the time constraint then. Does that make sense? Theres zero doubt in my mind that I'll complete the challenge, but I also don't plan to beat myself if I play a bit after. Lol, he said "a bit". Nice one. I understand the primary function of these 90 days is to show how life, in general, tends to be better without gaming to those who don't fully understand how addicted they are. This doesn't apply to me even remotely; I'm very well aware that I can never ever play WoW again if I want a life that deserves to be called that. I can imagine scenarios in which playing would be less damaging than it would be now, but it'll always be a huge net loss for me no matter what. Blah blah. In other news, my travels through the lands of Trans-ylvania continue. This is the latest entry:

Only took 6 pages and a few months to start!

90 DAY CHALLENGE IS BEGIN NOW YES GO DAY 1 DAY ONE: DAY 1 (one) (Technically, it's more like day 7 or 6, but it's January 1st, and it looks cuter this way.) I've been motivated to do so by kortheo, who was also very kind and agreed to being my accountability partner. This means I'm supposed to hold him accountable as well, which is fine, but this is closer to him doing me a favor. So thank you, kortheo! My research of the trans-o-sphere took a bit of a darker turn yesterday. I have expected to find a good amount of people who suffer and are also bitter, snarky, and really just mentally ill. But it's worse than I thought. To the point at which it's hard to even gain reliable information since everyone is so emotional and angry at everyone: angry at other trans people with different opinions, angry at society, probably also at themselves (xirselves?). There's also a huge disdain towards the so called "cis straight males", so yeah, don't go asking questions as one. I should be able come up with an entire run down of all the trans tribes on the web soon enough. It kinda looks like two major sides: those who think being trans is a medical disorder based in biology -- a problem you solve with your doctor and then go off living a normal life -- and another camp that kinda promotes the whole "genderfluid" idea, wants to use strange pronouns like xir, has ties with radical feminism and is more or less full on SJW politically. Guess which side is louder. But there's also stuff in between. And then there are also teenagers who, I think, shouldn't be blamed for anything. Look, 15 year old girls and boys have been posting stupid things on the internet since the 90s. I'm glad almost all of my teenage stuff is gone (apart from some very incriminating poetry). So maybe a guy wears a girl's sweater one Friday evening and then rants about how he's now "trans", and one girl cuts her hair short because she's looking for a role model. Or whatever. The culture is still potentially damaging, I'd say, but I also think people are giving it too much credit. What I find morally deplorable is promoting the idea of putting actual children on hormone blockers (to delay puberty) because they're supposedly claiming they're trans. According to my findings, most people can transition and pass (as the opposite sex) very well as long as they do it before 20. And that goes mostly for male to female, for it's actually not hard for almost any girl to start taking testosterone and pass as a mild looking guy at worst. I think a large, large part of the quasi-political, loud camp just wants to belong to something that's considered cool and edgy. People get into, realize they're not really trans, and then start making up weird sexual identities that have no basis in real life. But the reality is a lot different: there's absolutely nothing cool about actually being trans. No one risks loosing friends, family, sources of income, and getting killed (it happens all the time) just to be cool. For the media, this is just another outrage source. They don't actually care about making anyone's life better; they just deliver what their readers want. So it's kinda like people that want to be entertained by being shocked or/and hating vs. people that have severe psychological issues and often suffer from other mental illnesses like bipolar. Throw some professional victims and bitter, aged feminists in the mix. What could possibly go wrong. Even so, some younger girls seem to do well. Maya is Canadian and, apart from being trans, seems to live a normal life. Until when though? As far as I know, Canada is importing "refugees" as well. We've seen how a relevant number of them treats women. We can probably imagine their opinions on transgendered youth.

Well, yuppie or not, I think he's primarily a man who's trying to pay his bills. It's actually advised to take a break from what works and write what you want regularly -- it's either this or stop writing completely for a week. But that hurts even native writers, yet alone a slavshit like me. Be happy that your language is spoken by a relevant part of Europe, more than half of America, and probably a few other places. I plan to spend the rest of my life being pissed about how irrelevant mine is. A man is nothing without a mission. Interesting ... my dreams often include school, too. It generally tends to be about deciding about whether to go or now; I almost always decide not to then wake up and realize I didn't have to go there for almost a decade. I also dropped out of various schools repeatedly 'till I just went to work. I don't regret it at all (that's one of the things I actually don't regret) since, uhm, I now know I can't learn anything while other people are around. Or if I'm not very interested in the topic. So that rules out finishing high school, ha.

I agree with the notion that porn is boring. Or at least it becomes boring after a certain time. I personally don't even think it's so much about porn in itself; it feels like no one's even trying to produce engaging porn. But that's just me. I mean, when I was a kid, I'd sneak to the living room at 4 AM and watch some god awful commercials for phone sex lines that weren't even remotely good, and it was the hottest thing ever. There actually is a very specific thing that work in "erotica" (written porn), and 50 shades hit the jackpot. Anything that doesn't cover a set of very specific kinks is not likely to sell, look: No pictures but kinda NSFW text. Don't show to grandma. I remember reading the unabridged version of Don Quixote many ages ago ... I remember the epic monologues that would go on and on. 15 page speech why not. It was almost as awesome as reading Master and Margarita while high on THC cookies. Locked in the bathroom for hours because I was afraid that my parents will suspect something was wrong. Have I mentioned I was very high. Care to give an example of your nightmares? I've had one myself recently, but it was rather dull (yet still effective).

I'd suggest making tons of soup packed with various vegetables, meat, and fat. Portion, freeze, and you're good for a week or more. It's what I've been doing for a while, but I now actually enjoy cooking. About the crying thing. I agree that it's important, but it really is best to do it in private. As a man, you'll lose respect from both women and men if you're seen crying (unless in extreme situations). We can argue why that is and whether or not should it be changed, but it's a fact, and honestly, it's not going anywhere. Just imagine reasons for the present situation have something to do with hunting wild boars with stone weapons. Awesome. About writing erotica. "Erotica" in a literary sense is actually used as a sort of euphemism for short (e-)books that are more or less porn. Smut. Describe people, describe locations, create some bullshit conflict, resolve it by sex, the end. And it sells like hell ... to women, this is basically what porn videos represent to men, and they consume it in a similar degree. They just don't talk about it. (It's not like us men often discuss our porn habits either. It's simply assumed.) Now, it's true that women also read erotic novels which include things like actual story and character development. Both are very popular. There is money to be made in both fields, so perhaps you can look into it a bit (novels ultimately earn more). "Monday tomorrTODAY" love it :P.

Thanks. I guess this wouldn't make much of a story without, uhm, setbacks. "Don't look so smug! I know what you're thinking, but playing WoW again and drinking 30 things was ... only a setback!" - Marcho'thas Sunstrider I had a complete fucking nightmare tonight. Was unable to even sleep until perhaps 6 AM. I'm not even sure what it was. I think it was something about just killing and torturing people in grotesque ways without a clear reason. They were visitors and tour guides inside some kind of a cave, and some guys kinda closed the exit and started doing things. I don't know. People have nightmares all the time. (EDIT: this entire paragraph is complete fucking garbage, but I cba to rewrite it.) I don't even know about this entire forum. I don't want to share my plans; sharing plans is a horrible move if you're actually serious about it. We've all read, I trust, enough self help to know what sharing your plans does to your brain. At least if you're like me or like many people here. Then again, without a forum you don't have a community, and then the entire system falls apart. At the end, it's still beneficial, but I do think it's an important point to make (the plan sharing). Perhaps a video idea, Cam? And, oh, Cam! I've commented on your video of the interview with McInnes (should've done an entire 1 hour segment on his Free Speech show) and asked if you could find the topic (on some gaming forum) in which people ridiculed one of your first posts. Any luck with that, perhaps? I'm googling things like "Cam Adair is a retard" right now, yet nothing comes up :P. For some reason, I've been researching the topic of transgenderism lately. It has the same romantic rebellious vibe as the alternative right: us against the ignorant world! I don't understand why most on the alt right hate the so called "shemales" (which, as I've learned, is strictly a porn term and is generally considered a slur) since they have so much in common. Ha, you know who should also love trans people? The MGTOW crowd. They whine and construct complex explanations as to why women are inherently amoral and therefore incapable of true love as they see it -- well, there you go, guys. A person that actually is, as many would still claim, a man that walks, talks, and fucks like a girl. You can now finally experience love without the burdens of hipergamy! Also, both the alt right and MGTOW claim to be open minded and objective. The red pill, swallow the bitter truth and embrace the grim, yet enticing, reality of the New World. If that's so, why bash people who're breaking key societal norms in order to achieve their goals? Why not spend an hour or two by actually researching the issue instead of shitposting about immigrants and feminism. Either way, I should probably check out other people's topics, comment, ask questions, make them feel good. Network. Make them come here. But I really don't want to right now.

Hi, hi! Ech, this post won't be so uplifting. At least in a sense of the actual information I'm about to present (as I feel very well right now). I kind of fucked up. Not just with gaming but with other things as well. After three days of things, my desk was covered with about 30 empty cans. I've thought I had it under control, but obviously I do not. The backlash, the price to pay, was greater than ever before. It wasn't even so much about being hung over in a sense when you can't get up and do things ... it was a lot more like mental burnout. Weird, feverish dreams for days. Being half awake and coming up with completely illogical conclusions. It's been 6 days since then, and only today I feel like myself again. I've never had that before, and it hurts; it feels like I've destroyed a small piece of myself. I don't want to feel this ever again and I'll do my absolute best not to. It's time I start treating myself like a person with an mental illness because someone who's healthy would never do something like this to himself. And I've known this for two years now (more actually), I just haven't made the mental shift until now. Granted, mental shifts can often be deceiving. But here we are. As far as the actual gaming goes, ech. It wasn't even that great. I tested some weird PVP specs and none of them worked. WoW really doesn't allow for creativity when it comes to PVP. I think it really is down to just trying to be somewhere else, anywhere, even if it's just a game. I'd say the entire thing happened mostly due to the (self imposed) isolation. Anyway. iWriter doing pretty good, also starting to write erotica again. Back to old positive habits, too. All systems optimal. We carry on.

Sounds good. Keep it up. You have talent for writing and a loyal following here on Game Quitters. I agree completely. The next book on my list is Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns. I read the introduction where a third-party study compares bibliotherapy (reading that book) with pharmacological therapy. The whole book seems grounded in science. Give it a shot. Ha, we had bibliotherapy in recovery, and it was all sappy stories that mostly focused on daughter-mother relationships. Needless to say, the therapist leading it was a middle aged woman. But I'll definitely give it a look. Thank you for ze encouragement. It's such a grind though, yet I'll get there ... half the time is spent on trying to avoid shitty clients.

I guess the very best part is that my welfare officer (somewhat attractive woman my age) has been very supportive the last time we met. She's completely on board with my freelancing plans (no jobs for high school dropouts anyway), and even said I'm welcome back if it doesn't work out. So at least I don't have to dread a dark apartment with no food. Even though the welfare is my country would be better described as a measly allowance.

The entire Shizotypal personality disorder definition is completel bullshit if you ask me. Need for social isolation? Who determines what's natural and healthy time alone everyone needs in different amounts, and what's supposedly pathological? Anxiety in social situations, odd behavior -- if you're forced to spend time with people you dislike and have little in common with, you're probably not going to act in a very sociable manner. My former support group was full of people near retirement age, and nearly all of them were working class and simple minded (you know, the majority of all people). Result? I'm apparently schizoid because I spent most of my time there bored and annoyed. I can deal with such people just fine in everyday interactions, but don't expect me to share my emotions and past failings with them. Unconventional beliefs. I think it's well established that a lot of conventional beliefs are wrong or even damaging. Peculiar speech mannerisms and odd modes of dress? Great, now a middle aged woman (what most therapists are) will judge the way I speak and dress. Fuck you, middle aged woman. The only middle aged woman a young man should be spending time with is his mother, anyway. Talk to themselves. Everybody does that in some way.I'm not saying you don't have tangible problems; I just want to point out that society has a numerous ways of labeling anyone who isn't neurotypical, which can then weigh down that individual without need.

O hi. Mixed news update. On the bright side, I'm still alive and not engaging in any sort of destructive behavior. On the not so bright side, my mood and energy levels are still low and even seem to be decreasing slightly. I tend to wake up around 5 AM, which gives me a few hours of moderate productivity, but too often I end up exhausted around noon and just spend the rest of the day trying to read, watch movies, or just shitpost. I think I'll have to go back to keto. This high carb thing is great on one hand (carbs will always feel nice), but I think I'm one of those people that just get way too inflamed by anything resembling a standard diet. I'm currently fasting again (day 4), and I already feel way, way better. I intend to do if for a few days more -- maybe eat some coconut butter ... I also think I could benefit from professional help. Sadly, the only free help I can get right now includes a lot of personal attacks and medication. It would basically mean groveling in front of my former therapist and probably parents too, and the entire deal would be so unproductive I don't even want to get further into it. But feeling like this obviously isn't anywhere near normal. If everyone were like this, the entire civilization would collapse in a matter of weeks (if not days). Bright stuff again. I'm making solid progress on iWriter, and I'm starting to look into other freelancing pages. I also do my very best to write a thousand words every day (something I tend to fuck up on occasion). I also do a bunch of other positive things, so, at this point, I do have a pretty ok routine down. I want to do more, but I just don't have the energy. I found it very helpful to keep reminding myself that my depression isn't my fault, but it is my responsibility. One my suffer from a mental illness, yet that doesn't remove the element of personal responsibility. It helps. I think I've also become more aware of how tired I actually am, more in contact with my not so favorable state. I'll go insane if someone else realizes my business idea before I do. Sometimes I feel it's just a matter of months. It really is hard to tell ... One good thing about living in Eastern Europe is: we generally tend to lag behind the West by a few years in everything, so we really just need to look at what's popular there and get ready. Anyway ... hi again. I don't feel like writing here every day, and I also feel like giving all your plans away somehow diminishes their weight. Volumes have been written about that, so I'm sure most of you are familiar with how and why this tends to happen.