Marquess

40 dayz ^^.

Hitaru, just look at this :P.

And back to fine again. I go from feeling pretty good to pure, unfiltered despair like twice a day, lol. I must do something about this. Strangely, even this is preferable to going back to my previous lifestyle. I vaguely considered playing WoW earlier and was just meh.

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Two years ago, I'd direct you to one of the major PUA sites that teach game, which is basically a set of social skills focused on getting girls. However, I'm not sure how great of an idea that is since the approach a lot of these people take borders on sociopathy. I think this site is pretty good: Girls Chase It was an article on this site that, a few years ago, helped me realize that there's no one special girl.

It's raining! What a glorious day. When I grow up, I'll move to a country where it always rains. It also needs to be either in Europe or USA. Suggestions? I had a somewhat interesting dream. I found myself on a bus supposedly going back home, but it turned out that I'd taken a wrong one and am now traveling to an unknown location. (This actually happened once when I was in high school.) The bus was full of teenagers that were neither hateful nor friendly to me; I tried to start a conversation with two guys, but they only moved away from me visibly annoyed. There was a large TV screen most people were watching, but I don't remember what was on. We soon arrived to a sort of a small town that had some kind of a park/exhibition site that was the goal of the visit. I spoke to their teacher/guide, who turned out to be my homeroom teacher from the first year of high school: a small, friendly, if somewhat nervous, woman in her mid to late 20s. I asked her if, since I'm already here, I can join their group to see whatever they're seeing, and she agreed right away, only asking me to pay a small fee, which was in my country's old currency (before we switched to Euro); the same currency that was in use when I was in high school in real life. I then followed their group around the exhibition site. I'm unsure what it was about; there was a lot of green grass, some trees, and all sorts of paths; it was a pleasant and well kept area. The strange part was that all the students stared at their cell phones the entire time and kept completely quiet. Those at the front of the group would make pictures with their phones and then send them to the students at the back of the group via Snapchat. They looked at their phones and spammed Snapchat through the entire tour, and it seemed like that's normal behavior for teenagers nowadays; it's just how things are; you've just lost touch with the times. This was where the dream ended. There were others that I don't remember in such detail. One was a about me being at a swimming pool that was full of young people of various ages -- from elementary school children to my peers. I think they were almost exclusively guys for some reason, and they all knew each other and formed a a group to which I was an outsider, yet they were all friendly and let me train swimming with them. Another one was about getting wasted with two older guys I somewhat knew. It's been a long while since I last dreamed about drinking, so I'm not sure what to make of that. The main point, however, was about me trying to arrange a date with some girl (dated very briefly IRL), but I had to drop it in the end since I remembered I was completely broke.

we did it, reddit

you need to stay on the chat so people can gather dont exit right away (also turn up the sound notifications for the most beautiful sound in the world when someone enters the room) (i will let you guess how to turn sound notifications by yourself. think of it as a little game. the reward is having voice notifications turned on.) do this and you too can make 500 dollars in an hour by working from home. no more annoying boss! relax at home and earn money as you sip coffee

Don't be so sure, WorkInProgress. Anyway, this tea is actually Henessy.

I know I'm depressed. Gaming has just been masking it to a degree. I appreciate your comment, but you don't need to worry; I know exactly what to do, and I really am beyond the point at which I'd be likely to go back to gaming (and drinking). Part of the reason is that, at 30, I can't take it as well any more; I'm tired of the game, and booze, once it wears off, affects my psyche in a far too horrifying way to be worth it. It's actually possible to eat really well on a budget. Things like rice, vegetables, coconut oil, canned fish, and eggs are all cheap and healthy ^^. For comparison, eating pasta or bread, which are terrible, costs about the same, and eating fast food would cold more. I could, in theory, go for cheap keto as well, yet that's never worked out for me before, so I won't even bother. And for what is worth, a bit of a carb high is relaxing even if it slows be down a bit.

SONGE

Yet another terrible day and I don’t even know why. I can’t explain what’s going on, but there probably isn’t too much to explain; I’m just returning to a state, my default state, that drove me to games (and later drinking) in the first place. Everything is hard, and everything is annoying, and I have no energy to do anything. I am interested in things, that I definitely am, but it’s just so insanely hard and aggravating to get anything done. What energy I have and spend productively often results in me getting nervous and angry simply due to the fact that things require effort, and it gets much worse if I run into any problems, which of course happens the entire time and is a normal part of basically anything. This more or less my entire life. This is how I failed high school and everything else in my life. I still can’t comprehend how all you people are able to do so much every day. Any ideas? I always find it confusing when it comes to the symptoms of depression: lost interest in activities you used to enjoy. What activities? My entire life will be shit for good, without a chance of repair, if I don’t fix this now. And by now I mean in a span of a year or sooner. It’s already too late for some of the things I wanted to do, but that’s nothing in comparison to the devastating despair I’ll have to live with if I don’t do something about my state. Holy shit, two kids with family history of depression and alcoholism get together and decide to start a family. None of them drinks and isn’t depressed in a meaningful way — she’s slightly insane because her mother is batshit, and he’s cucked because his father was abusive, but overall functional and relatively happy adults — so what do you expect their children to be like. What are the odds that at least one of the children won’t be dysfunctional in a number of ways. It’s a fact that people reproduce for entirely selfish reasons. And that’s ok; I mean it. Just don’t tell me there’s a sense of obligation or even “love” involved. As a child, you serve a specific function to your parents, and it’s entirely up to you to which degree, if at all, you wish to perform it after you grow up. Either way, to continue a previous line of thought about how I’ve been having regular meltdowns since 16, I’ve realized today that there are two types of meltdowns: internal and external. External I already talked about; it’s basically your standard raging, insulting people, breaking up various relationships, or making a series of outrageous statements. People do this all the time, and there’s not that much to explain there. The more interesting part is the internal meltdown. For me, it consists of laying in bed in feeling sorry for myself, which produces a sort of a pleasant feeling; it’s almost physical. So it’s bed and an intense self-pity session at first, but it then turns into imagining all sorts of scenarios in which I’m emotionally hurt by someone else. Often being abused/left by some partner, or just humiliated & made to cry in public. I’m not exactly sure why and how this works; I think it has something to do with creating an excuse to feel terrible even though I know I don’t need one. The next, third, stage is mostly just feeling relieved and sometimes even happy; I can just lay there and relax, and after a while, I get up and tend to have more energy & can function a whole lot better. I did this a lot during my teens and early 20s, but then slowly switched to external version. After doing just that and writing this (together with the crap I vomited out right after waking up that I won't post), it's almost disturbing how at peace and energetic I feel.

You guys really suck at tough love </3.

For about 10 years, although at the start I wasn't a "hardcore gamer" would spend like 2-5 hours a day. But shit got out of hand when I got my new PC. I wasn't able to control myself anymore. Not bad!

How long have you been playing for, btw?

I don't mind you playing LiS, but it is a video game, and you are on a forum that's built around video games with an intention to quit video games. I don't care if you find LiS less triggering, dangerous, or anything else you may prefer to call it; it is a video game. And you're playing it. If it's really not so important to you, then leave it until you finish your 90 days. Claiming you're playing a less dangerous video game to distract yourself from more dangerous one is absurd and a first step to yet another full blown relapse. Go ahead and play LiS, but don't expect these days to actually count towards the 90 days. You ultimately have to ask yourself whether you're ready to quit playing for good. I'd appreciate if someone would support me on this. As for Rand, social services can be handled by charity and private agencies (insurance against poverty for example) in a more efficient way. I imagine a kind of a private-based welfare system would exist, and these private agencies would be highly motivated to get their clients employed. Meanwhile, my welfare officer doesn't exactly care whether I find a job or not since the money is coming from a huge, abstract, violent machine called the state that is collecting the money through force. PS: Stop worrying about what's moral and go visit your friend. Do what's good for you.

Pff. Nab :P. Yeah, that's what I thought. I honestly, however, thought that things will start opening up more after day 30, and they have. Just not in a way I expected them to. I'm not exactly fighting the urge to play again; it has more or less disappeared. (That doesn't mean it won't reappear at some later point; I'm sure that it will.) I think it's due to of a lot of mental strength going to whatever reconstruction is happening in the background, and a fact that I'm not very (mentally) strong right now since I lack practice, routine. And I do have one -- the routine -- and I follow it with decent consistency. Just not there yet, not out of the woods yet. I must not forget that because this is one of the points at which people fall. PLEASE RATE COMMENT AND SUBSCRIBE HOW DID YOU LIKE THE DESIGN OF THIS POST!!!!

Oh, a fellow alcoholic? :3 I think the difference between chemical and non-chemical addictions is far smaller that many people believe. The supposed argument in favor of excessive gaming is often that it's not really an addiction; that it's passion because it doesn't hurt your body like drugs do (including booze, there's no reason not to include it under "drugs", damn it). This, of course, is #NotAnArgument at all since gaming does hurt your body in direct (brain) and indirect (eye, bad posture, lack of exercise & sunlight, etc) ways. But the most important part, I think, are the processes that take place in the brain. I know nothing about them about them apart from that they exist, and that they're similar (or even identical) in chemical and non-chemical addictions. I really ought to look into that. Now I'm not even sure under which conditions does it make sense to use #NotAnArgument. I'll leave it as it is, look into that as well, and report back. Again, I feel exhausted. It's really hard to focus or even construct a meaningful sentence. I dreamed about installing WoW tonight; as soon as I logged in, I regretted it and decided to delete it ASAP, so it'll only count as a short, insignificant slip and not a relapse. Then, I deleted the thing, but kept the game opened without really doing anything. And then I woke up. Why am I so tired. I want more energy; I want to be stronger. I don't even feel bad or anxious in any significant way; I'm really just slightly exhausted. But from what? I don't want to use it as an excuse for inactivity since, to be fair, I haven't been all that productive in the last few weeks. Surely this will improve if i stick to a reasonable routine and don't do anything retarded.

Question: just like every time I quit WoW, I've been getting different memories for no apparent reason. They don't seem to have any connection to my daily life or my current situation; it's a lot of random stuff like thinking of a specific moment back in elementary school, or a part of a conversation I had 8 years ago. It happens few times a day. Has anyone else experienced that? For comparison, quitting alcohol never lead to a similar experience. EDIT: Quick googling gives me one instance of a former weed smoker who reports: "My memory has improved overall. I seem a little bit sharper and can recall things like names and little details better. I have been experiencing this weird phenomenon ever since I quit where random memories from a long time ago come into the forefront of my mind for seemingly no reason at all. Like I'll be chopping vegetables and suddenly I get a flash of a place I visited when I was 14, something I hadn't thought about in several years. It has been a pleasant experience and I feel it is a good sign my brain is getting healthier." Link to the thread.

It's better now if still volatile. I ought to go back to ketosis and stay in it for good, but can't afford to atm financially, ffs. I've been living on rice, coconut oil, and very little else for a while. Snacking on plums I gathered on today's walk :P. It's so pleasurable to find those deserted areas in between roads, gardens, bridges, and patches of trees. I hug around above the railroad underpass that's still under construction today, and there was a large pool of water underneath. I picked up a rock and threw it in the water; It said "BLOP". From the sound of it, the water was rather deep. I may go for a swim when my apparent insanity takes over completely. I love walks, but I dislike running into too many people, so finding all these areas and paths is really enjoyable. (Insert the tired in-game exploration, wall climbing, out of bounds, etc reference here.) By Data Erase on in Twitter.

It is amusing how Rand predicted how her work's going to be received in her own book. A lot of impassioned attempts at its takedown read exactly like criticism the main character, architect Howard Roark, faces in the novel; I think it's the best proof that these people haven't read the actual book, or they wouldn't imitate it so closely.

One thing I want to point out is that my mental state is becoming a lot more robust. I think I've started noticing the change perhaps a week ago; I realize now I'm not actually as broken as I thought I was. I don't think I'll need any sort of extensive recovery in terms of months. In my previous posts, I would sometimes mention how utterly messed up I am, and yet it doesn't seem so bad now. I'd say it's reasonable to expect to see a massive amount of further improvement over the next two months.

It seems to be an influential work among the businessmen architects for sure. I should start with Atlas Shrugged even though the thing is a tome, and not gonna lie, both language and ideas expressed can be difficult at times; at least they were for me. There were points late at night when I had to put it down and just go to sleep because while I wanted to continue reading, I wasn't sure if I could properly grasp yet another one of many monologues the novel is filled with. There are several key characters who explain their views on life at multiple points through the book, and I can't say I completely understand all of them. I'd be so dead without Kindle's dictionary system too. It's a passionate work at its core, and she makes sure you get to feel it at multiple points. I don't even know if I've ever read literature this romantic in English before.

Best thing about living at the edge of a town is that, after less than 10 minutes, you can reach this: Lots of plum trees around. I actually packed a small bag and gathered some; there's a sort of a primal joy in gathering food; it's been a part of how we survived before we even evolved into humans, and I felt really peaceful. After a minute, I became aware of various insects flying around and feasting on the plums; I photographed some of them, but I either ended up with blurry pictures, or they'd flown away by the time I got close enough. Finished The Fountainhead. Surprised to see it have a happy ending. Yesterday while I was reading it, a gigantic winged ant-thing flew straight through the window and lingered above me. Who knew Kindle is such an effective tool for getting rid of overconfident invaders. And today, as I was returning home, I passed three black men. (There's an asylum center in the area.) They seemed happy and confident; I felt sorry for them. They think they've made it, but it's really just begun. I find it strange how Rand's pronunciation was never that great, but she was able to write like that. All things considered, even if my life is not much right now, I still get to enjoy marvelous works of literature while most people are watching television. Still need the getting wealthy and not having to worry about money part though.

I removed the content of this post as it was too ranty and aggressive for my taste. I've no problem with posting such stuff, obviously; I just don't feel like it today.