Schwing

@qwethm987 thanks I'll try this out. @Zeliow I couldn't give you a definite answer but every time I started doubting myself and having negative thoughts I countered them by rationalising and saying stuff in my head like "No fuck you, you are an awesome because <insert reasons I am awesome here>". The thing is when you are depressed and self hatey (as I call it) you will take anything and try and turn it against yourself- even if it is completely irrational. Try and make ammunition against your depression so you can say "remember that time when...?" whenever you feel inadequate.

So I have had a lot less depression lately and I have been able to quickly recover from my mood.

Detox day: 49 NoFap day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 7 Woke up at: 12:15 Thoughts and Feelings: Got up very late again. Damn I fell asleep after my alarmI got quite a bit of studying done but I slacked off towards the endTried to send a text off to my father but I couldn't do it. I felt really distressed for some reason. I got some more courage later but I still didn't manage to press the send button. I don't know if now is the best time to talk to him as I have a lot of studying to do.1 week of no fap motherfuckers!!!! I wouldn't have made it without all the amazing support from you guys! I still have a way to go though.I had a conversation with a steam friend. I don't think he really understood why I quit games but he was really cool about it.Tasks and Achievements: 100 push-upsProjectWhat I am grateful for: MetalSunday dinnerWhat I have learnt from today: I think I am making up excuses not to contact my father.About tomorrow: Get up at 9I still need to look into going down to my local climbing centreDo project work.

Nihilism is the cancer of the soul. There is always meaning in life even if you don't realise it. This high school thing is a great idea as it will give you your vital sense of purpose and help you find your passion. Make sure you make a journal and keep us up to date.

Hi. What are your research topics about?

Make sure to start your journal. I will read it.

Detox day: 48 NoFap day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 6 Woke up at: 13:30 Thoughts and Feelings: Got up very late again. But I needed the sleep.So I was finding it hard to study today. I kept goofing off and looking at metal stuff.Beat the urge to wank with push-ups againTasks and Achievements: 100 push-upsProjectLittle bit of drumsWhat I am grateful for: MetalWhat I have learnt from today: I have to beat procrastination if I want to get my work done before schoolAbout tomorrow: Get up at 10I still need to look into going down to my local climbing centreDo project work.

I didn't post yesterday because I felt ill. But I feel a bit better now. To summarise what happened yesterday: I went shopping with my mum's boyfriend. We talked on the way about my father. Very thought provoking conversation. I spent £100 on CDs . I REGRET NOTHING!!! I also bought this denim jacket thing which I will use to make my battle vest (if you don't know what it is Google it). Pretty cool because it has a hood and sleeves. My first patch is the iron cross of Germany which I got when I visited the Luftwaffe on a summer camp with air cadets in Germany. I felt really sick at work but I got through the night fine.

Detox day: 46 NoFap day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 4 Woke up at: 12:30 Thoughts and Feelings: Got up very late again.Tasks and Achievements: 100 push-upsProjectPut a shelf in my wardrobeDrumsTidied up my roomWhat I am grateful for: MetalMy step dad helping me with that shelf. Nice tidy room. Everything is organised now.What I have learnt from today: This objective thing in my signature really helps me prioritise my hobbies.About tomorrow: Get up at 8I still need to look into going down to my local climbing centre in the holidaysGoing shopping. Gonna buy some CDs noiiiice. Fuck Spotify it's a corporate pile of shite.Work

@hycniejsy I like your objectives. I will do the same.

@hycniejsy Nice post mate. Very helpful thank you. I do 50 in the morning and 50 before I go to bed. And yes I am very light- only 8 stone (51kg). I have been trying to change that though. It's weird because I don't look super skinny and I have decent strength. My drum set is a cheap second hand acoustic (Pearl) with a standard setup. I've been playing a year. This is what I been playing: Learning from tab: In Flames - Dialogue With The Stars Learning by ear: I Hate Myself - Song #1 From sheet music: Paramore - Brick By Boring Brick

Ye

Lol you can be friend number 2 then cam. I'm getting there.

Detox day: 45 NoFap day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 3 Woke up at: 11:30 Thoughts and Feelings: Got up very late again. But earlierAlmost forgot to post todayI told mum the truth about how I feel about my father. She was very understanding I had a lively conversation with my parents at lunch. I have been trying to stop avoiding conversation latelyI am halfway through my detox! Thanks to GQ I have been able to make so much progress in such a short space of time. Everybody on this site are awesome people and I enjoy reading your stories. Really this is a special place where lots of people share their struggles and reach new heights. It's been a pleasure knowing all of you.Tasks and Achievements: 100 push-upsProjectPainted my shelfDrumsWashing upWhat I am grateful for: MetalChocolateWhat I have learnt from today: I don't need to wank. Like at all ever. It's just energy.I am happier when I make an effort to connect with people. I need to tackle my social anxiety.About tomorrow: Get up earlyDon't wankFocus when studyingStay consistent with your goalsBe productiveI still need to look into going down to my local climbing centre in the holidays

Detox day: 44 NoFap day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 2 Woke up at: 13:00 Thoughts and Feelings: Got up very late again.I have been playing my drums a lot lately which is good. I feel more motivated about my hobbies now.So I reactivated my Facebook. This will help crush my social anxiety as I am afraid of looking bad in front of my peers.Tasks and Achievements: 100 push-upsReactivated FacebookProjectDrumsWhat I am grateful for: MetalChristmas dinner leftoversWhat I have learnt from today: I need to keep fit more in the holidays. I should try and get out for a run.I need to get up early every day. Sleeping too much wastes time.I should meditate every day too.I will be more active as member of the community to crush my insecurity when being nice to peopleAbout tomorrow: Get up earlyDon't wankFocus when studyingStay consistent with your goalsBe productiveI will look into going down to my local climbing centre in the holidaysNotes i recounted my detox day btw

Hi Great job you are over 1 week in your detox. About playing games in moderation: First of all you must discern what draws you to games. Are they being used to fill a void that could be filled otherwise- particularly by real life means? Or perhaps you are drawn to the fantasy and art that is put forth by some of these awesome masterpieces. Well I was always a fan of single player fantasy RPGs like Skyrim, The Witcher series, Shadow Of Mordor and Dark souls 2. I always found with these games I would be utterly infatuated with them for a while and then put them down and stop. However, what I did straight after that was find another game. And I would go from game to game to game and eventually i would have no games to play and I would feel depressed and lost. These games do also have an element of mastery to them though, particularly ds2, and this could be harmful. So, after my detox i am going to make an experiment. I will make a blog post about this too and I encourage you to read it. In my experiment I will play the games I listed above and analyse my behaviour then draw some conclusions. It would be cool if other people tried it out on a similar premise too.

Yes I tried it today. I felt like wanking so i just got down and did 50 pushups. I have to convince myself that i have no need to be fulfilled in wanking. But, wanking is simply a method and a degenerating method at that. Thank you for your awesome support.

Welcome welcome welcome. Very nice post. Best of luck on your journey. You have a very loving family and great talent in sport. Don't ever forget that. I do not share your conception of fantasy however. Fantasy is food for the imagination. Avoiding life is the problem. “Fantasy is escapist, and that is its glory. If a soldier is imprisioned by the enemy, don't we consider it his duty to escape?. . .If we value the freedom of mind and soul, if we're partisans of liberty, then it's our plain duty to escape, and to take as many people with us as we can!”― J.R.R. Tolkien

This is the best thing I have ever read. I had serious doubts when I first made this post. The community here is awesome and I can rely on everyone all the time. This is just what I needed. Every word depicts everything perfectly. You are an amazing person thank you so much.

So after all this time I think I have finally pieced it together. Workinprogress linked me some material in a post talking about psychological needs. I will regretfully announce I lack security, connection, self esteem and the other one which I forgot. This was always at the back of my mind somewhere but I always dismissed it because I thought I could just suck it up and move on. Here's some back story to put us in context (bear with me; I never talk to my parents so here is everything I know): My mother is English and she did a lot of travelling in the 80s. At one point she came to develop an interest for Tibet which led her to meet my father, a Tibetan, in the early 90s who grew up in exile in Nepal due to the chinese invasion in the 50s. So eventually they had a child while living in Germany in '93 (my older brother) who came out severely retarded. So some time after that they moved off to England and had me in 2000. If there is one thing I would say about my father it would be that he never adjusted to western culture. And it wasn't just that. He was a very miserable, selfish and unsociable person. He was also a complete beta loser and he didn't even try to do anything with his life, he didn't have a job and couldn't even drive. As a result I grew up in an unstable household and my parents never had any affection for each other, often having arguments. My mother was the balls of the family and most of the time she would be working. So I was treated to awkward days out with my father most of the time as a young child (except they weren't that awkward because my father was immature enough so that his company could be enjoyed by my equally immature mind). In those years my brother was in foster care because it was too difficult for my parents to raise me and him in the same house. He occasionally was taken over to our house for weekends though. Fast forward to when I'm 10. My mother has an affair with another guy and he is living with us to this day. My father finds out and finally my parents get a divorce. At the time I didn't really care because I had yet to feel the effects of all those 10 years of my life coming back to haunt me. A year later my brother died of a fit in the night. Again I didn't care. But I cried at the funeral because I was young (a complete pussy might I add) and it was a bit like watching a sad movie. I grew estranged from my father and my mother's new partner did his best to fill the gap but it was too late by then. The last time I visited my father was about 18 months ago. I was 15 at the time and it was a very strange day. He was living at a Buddhist centre in a small shitty flat of a kind I remember in the days of my childhood on short visits. We didn't do much that day; just long walks talking philosophy and religion etc. And a shite meal at the local supermarket cafe. I mean who even eats at those shit holes? He was very strange as I remember him. I also realised a few things that irked me. The first being he had an awful lot to say about the shithole of a town he lived nearby and the local area that was completely absurd and inplausible. He said they were building nuclear submarines in these abandoned looking shipyards. I thought to myself- "this is his life, complete monotony and no meaning. Going to the same shitty place to eat everyday and living off money that he managed to scrounge from the divorce. He makes up shit about the area to make his life interesting." Tbh he was always like this to an extent. He said it was depressing himself too. After that I stopped replying to his calls and texts. I never text anyone anyway because I am an unsociable shit. I never receive anything from him on my birthday or at Christmas either. I don't think my father is a bad person. He is just responsible for the pain in my life and I can't find it in myself to forgive him. So how has this all affected me? Firstly my poor father figure in my life has made me weak growing up. I was a cry baby growing up and I never liked sport. I was a mild social outcast. I only ever had friends because they liked the fact I was pleasant company and loyal. He never encouraged me to learn about my Tibetan heritage and I was only ever treated to visits to my Tibetan relatives in Switzerland at the behest of my mother. This carried over to my teenage years where I have poor self esteem, a lack of connection to other people, recurring spells of depression and most of all: my inability to love anyone. I can't be affectionate to others, although I have casual friends whose company I enjoy I have never had an attachment to anyone since my early childhood. I often hate myself and other people with a negative outlook on life. I am also hopeless with the ladies. I never grew up with affection so I am bereft of it now. I never had anyone to relate to in my life and I am very lonely to this day. To find an escape I think I subconsciously took to videogames, music and the world of my imagination where I could feel love and attachment but not express it to other people, which made me feel uncomfortable. I am unable to be nice to other people except through deeds and I am very ungrateful. My mum's boyfriend gets mad at me all the time for it which makes me feel very insecure. I have always been dreamer though and I think my dreams of being in a metal band and being an engineer etc. are a manifestation of my need for escape from unhappiness and inadequacy. I wish I could set things straight with my father and make up for the lost time I have with him, also explore my Tibetan heritage, before he is too old but I lack the guts and I am afeared of things going bad and it being a big waste of time and I will only feel worse afterwards. There is a big hole in my life but I don't know how to patch it up.

Try the 60+ hobby idea resource we have on the site.

Nice. What is your novel going to be about?

Detox day: 47 NoFap day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 0 Woke up at: 12:10 Thoughts and Feelings: Got up very late. This has become a habit latelyFirst thing I did when I woke up as have a wankI have neglected my journal lately and I have had some bad spells of depressionI have also stopped doing push-ups.This has all happened when the school holidays started and I think it is due to the sudden lack of structure to my life.Tasks and Achievements: ReadingProjectDrumsWhat I am grateful for: MetalPost rockSchool holidaysEmployersBooksWhat I have learnt from today: I have bad social anxiety and I have absurd perceptions of other people's attitudes towards me. But there was a time I remember when I didn't care about this kind of thing.I will stop singing. Really can't be fucked with it anymore. I will stop wanking for as long as I can. And no porn ever ever.About tomorrow: Get up earlyDon't wankFocus when studyingStay consistent with your goalsBe productiveI will look into going down to my local climbing centre in the holidaysChristmas dayNotes

Hi Lately I have been thinking and I think I might have too many hobbies. I want to be able to apply myself more to a few hobbies and excel in them but I always find myself holding off on one thing to do another. So here is what I am doing with my time: - Reading: I have bought a load of books. I like books because they inspire me. - Art: I have talent and I want to enhance it. - Drumming: so I have been playing for a year and this is a rather neglected hobby. But I have given up on instruments a lot in the past and I don't want to quit. I also feel inspired when I see my favourite drummers play. - Singing: so the style of singing I do is metal vocals. So imagine punching the cookie monster in the balls and making him sing. That's what they sound like. I'm getting better and I want to be able to do normal singing well too. But it annoys the shit out of my parents (drumming does too tbh) so I don't do it often which sucks. -Climbing: I really like it and I feel like I should have more physical hobbies (another reason to stick with drumming). -Learning German: I always find myself slacking off on this one. But I need it because my dream is to travel across Europe and stay in Germany for some time. -On top of this I have studying which is compulsory for me because I am working towards a degree in electrical engineering. And also just watching YouTube and browsing and the occasional movie. I only ever watch or do productive things though (in terms of expanding my knowledge mostly). Not let's plays or any of that shit. I would say these are the most time consuming things. It doesn't look like much but in practice it really is. It is also very hard to give up on any of them because I love them all and they are all part of my dream. When I see really successful people in my hobbies, they always very committed. It is very difficult to apply myself well in everything at once.

Fantastic help here guys I swore to myself to never watch porn ever again the other day and I haven't watched it since or felt like it. I have also been identifying what triggers my urges.