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Fagus

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Everything posted by Fagus

  1. To be honest, I really doubt that. I mean the part about easy falling back into old patterns. Yes, you can reinstall and play for a while, ignoring the whispers in your head, but gaming will never be the same as before. There is indeed a similarity to alcohol, as you can not drink lighthearted ever again, once you realized you are a damn self-destructive addict. I am sure you felt this for some years while still playing WoW. It is a feeling that spoils your experience in the game, no matter how hard you try to ignore, it always catches up with you. On the other hand, everytime you overcome your desires for relapsing, you are rewarded with a breeze of glory. At least, that's how I imagine it. Reality shows, that relapsing is way more fun than perseverance. Well, short-term at least. Oh, and congratulations on your 90-day-detox. My envy is with you.
  2. Day 17-19: The weekend trip was gorgeous. I drove to my parents house with my girlfriend. My parents are visiting my sister at the moment, so we had the house for us. We went swimming in the lakes I grew up with, went to the cinema twice (watched "tomorrow" and "InnSaei"), ate out, read some books on the terrace in the sun and played board games. No computer at all, no TV and we both don't own a smartphone. I had a lot of time to think about my situation. I developed some kind of confidence, that I can actually deal with my life. I have certain skills and abilities I can make use of to get along. I had a lot of long and profound conversations with my girlfriend on how we want to live our lifes. What things are important to us. It really brought us closer together. I got a low self-worth. I am not fond of myself. I therefore try to devaluate others in my thoughts in order to guard myself. I realized this in conversation with my girlfriend. Yes, we can talk about those things, now that I am no longer occupied with gaming. But the way to achieve more acceptance is by accepting others. I got my flaws I can not get rid of, but accepting these flaws and not hiding them is what makes a person personable. I want to improve my english. I am already improving just by writing this diary. Day 20: Today was a very unproductive day. I have a strong desire for procrastination. Watched one of cams videos. I ought to develope focus. Focus on a thing for 10-20 minutes, then have a short break. Little bursts of concentration. Become aware of emotions that build up, deal with them in a healthy way before they overpower me. Learning to meditate? Finding a temporary escape that does not involve gaming, mindless browsing, watching videos. I love just sitting somewhere in nature and watch my surroundings. This calms me down. I refocus on why I do what I do. Why is it important to me? This is all just about escapism. I do not want to take responsibility for my life. This is the theme behind everything. I don't need gaming. Prior to gaming I fled into books. As a young boy I read through whole shelves in our local library. And I don't even need books. I can hide in my own mind, creating fantasies I can turn to. Everything is welcome that get's me away from my life, away from the task that is resting upon my shoulders. The task to take over accountability. To lead my life. But why? Why do I fear beeing in charge so much? Is it my uncertainty of beeing capable to succeed? At least, I am not responsible if I am not in charge. Then I can blame someone or something else. The fear of failing. This will keep me occupied the next time. Though I should be studying all day long cause my crucial exams are in no more than three weeks. Any suggestions?
  3. Day 15-16: Since this is an open forum, I won't go into detail, but the treatment is simply a new medicine. If anyone is interested, maybe via pm, but it's not a happy story and doesn't help with any mental problems, if you had hopes into that direction. I've read a lot of Montaigne and Epikur these days. I have always been interested in philosophy and wisdom. I hope this can help in creating a new way of life. Epikur's advice has been so far, that you should indulge in your desires as long as you don't suffer in the long term. I think this is comprehensible. We all know the feeling of grief after the short period of joy when you relapse or give in to other things you should have better not. But I also like the thinking, that desires are not bad per se. This weekend I will go on a short trip with my girlfriend. The prospect of this trip feels way better than when I was still gaming. Cause trips were just a obstacle keeping you from gaming. Let's see how enjoyable this weekend will be.
  4. Day 14: While I was gaming, I was the backbone of my community. Not a leader, but widely known and respected for my skill and personality. I used this to compensate the disease, that socially isolated me in real life and to soothe the constant pain it caused. Over the last years and through different treatments, my state improved and though I finished my studies and met my girlfriend, I still kept on gaming. I now understand, that I've spent the last five years or so, to regain those fulfilling feelings in games, while still holding up the illusion of leading a normal life. This led me to leading two half lifes, resulting in no success in none of them. I had not enough time to really get into gaming again and not enough time to accomplish anything in real life. At present, I realize that the only way to get these feelings back is in my real life. I am way to old and to numb in the matters of gaming, that I could immerse myself in that way again without the doubt of self-deception. The fortunate news are, that I am in a new promising treatment since yesterday. I don't feel so tired anymore and got more energy. This might be the best point to get things started. I feel calm now, not really excited, which is a good sign I suppose. After all, it is a normal life I want to have, so feeling normal might be the best start. I feel grateful for this community. Beeing part of this is something that feels good. It feels special to be on the way of self improvement with so many others on your side. There is a lot of positive energy. The next step will be to identify how I can regain that feeling of beeing respected for my skills and my personality in a community, but this time in my real life. This my real desire that pushes me forward. It is easier to keep that, but turn it into a better direction, than fighting against it. This will be my way out of gaming into my new life. Into my real life. Thanks everyone so far for the awesome support.
  5. Day 12-13: Well, the last days were hard, I relapsed for a day, but let's focus on positive aspects. I got a new treatment today which makes me very optimistic. Let's see what the next days will bring. It's nice, that I value to be part of this community higher than gaming.
  6. We got the saying: "In the past, everything was good. Today everything is better. Now I wish everything was good again."
  7. Fagus

    A new way

    Well done! As we say in Germany: "Kommt Zeit, kommt Rat" (Comes time, comes advice.)
  8. Day 11: I struggle strongly. I know exactly what I need to change my life, but the problems that pushed me into gaming are still there. I had a good reason to escape from my life into gaming. I'm not sure if it is the right time and the right circumstances to face these problems now since this requires an amount of energy, I might lack at the moment.
  9. Day 10: This day I drove to the back side of the mountains and went for a walk through some magical forest with my girlfriend. I find it increasingly easy to listen to my girlfriend and let her finish speaking. At least when walking through a magical forest. Since I am a forester, I noticed that this magical forest was quite in shape, not as run down as the forest on the other side of the mountains, where I work. Maybe one day I can work on this side of the mountains. I asked myself how I can change my life into a good life. Since I am not religious, I have to rely on philosophy. I found a resource about all the famous philosopher. You can also download all the audios there. I did so and will listen to them when I drive to work into my not so magical forest on the wrong side of the mountains.
  10. I once met two old guys under a bridge. They beckoned to me to come here and sit down with them, what I actually did. Just out of curiosity. They told me their story, that everything wasn't their fault. How they will change their life, soon. Really soon. They will get everything back, everything will be as it once was. Yes. But meanwhile, let's drink another beer. Do you want some of the fried potatoes we just made in this pan we found in the trash can? Amazing what people throw away. Just look at this almost new set of knives. Do you need a knive? Don't worry, we dont want to kill you. Laughter. I went away and realized: my life may be a pile of shit, but my body is not. I am not trained and weak, I may have some mental issues. But that is nothing a certain amount of time could not cure. It is not too late for me. I can change my life whenever I want. And I will change it, soon. Really soon. Yes. But meanwhile, let's play another round of this game. Amazing how bad all this casuals are and how easy it is to beat them. Those noobs. Laughter.
  11. We play games because we feel miserable. We don't feel miserable because we play games. So when we quit playing games, we still feel miserable. Games are not the problem but also not the solution. I felt really shitty today, despite the fact that I was able to withstand which should make me proud. But withstanding is no positive action. It is still focused on the thing you try to withstand. Maybe one has to focus on withstanding through something positive that works distracting. I got the feeling, that you still delve into anything that has to do with gaming. At least you still write about that in your blog. Maybe you should focus more on that emo girl thing or whatever else you are interested in?
  12. Day 9: Today I made an experiment. I wanted to play some games so hard, that I tried to imagine how I would feel exactly if I started again and what I would do in those games. Surprisingly my vision was not full of exitement. The games I had quit were already boring. What I wanted was not to play, but get that feeling I had years ago when games have still been fun. But that feeling is lost. I understand the process now. An alcoholic does not enjoy the taste of alcohol anymore. He just wants to get back that feeling of beeing drunk, but needs to drink a lot more to get it. I will not get that immersion back, I had ten years ago, when I first entered some of that virtual worlds. So my cravings are completely in vain. I need to find this immersion in the real world. Since I realized now, that my usual way to immersion is shut, I can direct all the energy of my cravings and urges to find a new one. But this time, it has to be a healthy one.
  13. Day 8: Quite a mix of feelings today, but still hanging on. @Cam Adair watched your new video about how to overcome escapism. Helped me tremendously. I seriously start to admire you. You give me hope that there really is a way to reshape my life. Simply your example that it can be done is inspiring. I really want to thank you. A shame that you are almost exactly my age but so much further on this path. My next step will be to install this unspeakable agenda I avoided for so long.
  14. Fagus

    A new way

    That is something I also thought about! I'm using my internet dictionary a lot when I write something for my journal.
  15. Day 7: The first week is over. Today I bought some knives and tools for woodworking. Managed to cut myself two times. Still it's fun. Gaming is still part of my life. There are so many memories. The fact that I have quit this forever has not reached my mind yet. I still feel like this is just a short break and soon I can play again. I forgot the reason why I had quit at all. Yes it is unhealthy, but in moderation... ah I know this doesn't work, you don't have to tell me. This detox is a good thing to hold on. I will do these 90 days. But for now, I am not convinced to stop gaming for good. Anyhow, I recognized that I go to the computer first, when I get home. I want to reduce any computer activities, because it does not matter if I am gaming or browsing. All of this is used to numb myself and avoid a serious inspection of my situation.
  16. Day 6: Resisting your cravings costs quite some energy but I suppose my willpower has already grown a bit. I went to the supermarket today in a hungry state and still managed not to buy any fast food rubbish. It feels easier to resist, when you stop the urge the moment it arises. It does not feel particular good at this moment, but giving in would be even worse. I learned this all too often. I am still searching for a replacement for gaming. When I come home I'm so tired that sitting down and playing some games is just too tempting. I reobtained my ability to enjoy silence and nature. I can spend a lot of time just sitting somewhere and watching my surroundings. I can't value this highly enough. In times of gaming, I was always in a hurry to get back to the computer. There are a lot of awesome places in nature and Cam's youtube videos are quite inspiring in that direction. I suppose the handling of time is something you got to relearn. Gaming is a part of the "everything, everywhere, everytime" culture, but in real life, everything that matters needs time. So a new hobby will not arise at the first days. A new hobby will not show the same results as gaming. There is no instant gratification and well, that's what makes things addictive. Having time and giving time is important to increase the quality of your life.
  17. Hey, nice you joined us. I'm also from Germany, on day 6 of detox now. You can write me a message if you want to talk to someone in German.
  18. I really read the whole article about peaceful trolling. I also read some of the other posts and looked at those pictures in this topic. I even read another article in your "Uncanny Thoughts" blog, though I had to check the meaning of "uncanny" first. It is a blog you write to entertain yourself. When I look at the facebook accounts of my friends and relatives, I see a lot of self-presentation. Before internet, the press would hunt down any information and pictures of celebrities they could get. Now in the days of the internet, everyone can be a celebrity via facebook or a blog. You can get insights to their thoughts and private pictures. However, due to almost everyone doing it, you need to stand out from the crowd. So the self-presentation gets extreme. Either you are really good at something and impress people, or you are really gross and disgust people. But people like to look down on someone and they like the abnormal. So this is the more easy way to get attention. But why crave for attention in the first place? Attention from people far away, doing the same thing you do: sitting in front of their computer. I met a lot of people in online games when I was younger. I was quite naive and believed everything I was told at first. Then I realised that people like to tell stories all the time and the distance the internet provides makes it hard to prove if everything is true. But why do people invent stories or try to pimp their lifes otherwise? In our time it is important to be an individual. As you pointed out in your blog, it is not crucial anymore to be part of a tribe. Before the rise of individuality it was important to keep a low profile, now you need to stand out from the crowd. Does this apply even more when you are from a country that is not in the focus of world politics and media? The internet gives you the feeling to be a part of the worlds community, though in fact you are not. If you watch yourself from outside your body, you just see yourself sitting in front of your screen. The magic happens inside your head. And some day this magic will fade away. What then? What if your screen goes black? Just try it for some minutes. Turn off your computer and just sit in front of that black screen. Are you still part of the internet community? Does anyone still care for you? Which options remain? You can be prominent in real life. Invest all your energy into something you want to show the world and get recognized for it. You can get really sportive and win the olympic games. Or you write a poem, some other kind of literature or a masterpiece of music that tops the charts for weeks. Do you remember the name of anyone that has one the Olympics? This glory vanishes like everything else. And even if you would remember a name, like Shakespear, you never knew this person personally. It is just a name. Who needs his name to be famous if no one can connect that name to who you have been once. You are not much older than me, about one and a half year. I assume, thinking is an uncanny process, that can bring you nowhere but in realms that are full of emotions you want to avoid as much as possible. It is too bad that you and I quit the only reliable method of escaping this process that does not get you killed sooner or later. How would it be to lead a life that is void of any event worth telling about? Will we ever know, since no one will tell us about it? Is thinking addictive and destructive like gaming and alcohol? Should we start "Think Quitters"? I think not.
  19. Day 5: Exhausting day. Came home and prepared dinner with girlfriend, everything fine. Then my girlfriend left to go swimming, which she does 3-4 times a week. This is my trigger point. Usually I would spend the two hours she is away with gaming and other stuff I should not do. I know I could join her, but that is embarassing, cause she and everyone in her swimming club is just so much better than me. Also my job involves a lot of movement while she is working in an office, sitting all day long. So she needs compensation while I need relaxation and I get that by gaming. I really need some resting activities in exchange for gaming. I will check respawn now for recommendations. I play the accordeon quite well, but I cant read notes. Something that involes brainless movement of hands while still sitting relaxed somewhere would be perfect. But not fapping. Still managed to resist everything so far. If I get through the next day, I will surpass my all-time high of five days voluntarily not gaming. And I will not start drinking. It is really hard to stay away from alcohol in my environment, but I believe it is really cool if you can say that you are one of the few that can resist ^^ This is really inspirational, thank you so much!
  20. Day 4: Thank you for all the positive feedback. Yesterday I went to a street food festival in town with my girlfriend. Normally I would turn her down and play the whole night, but not this time, because I've quit playing video games due to an ebook I bought recently. Sounds completely sane. Usually I hate people, but yesterday it was quite interesting and I think it couldn't be so hard to get some real friends. Since people like to have friends. And I wanted to drink alcohol. You guys told me that I will have cravings and urges, but no one said they will be about alcohol and not gaming. I assume, alcohol totally passed me, because I used to spend the time playing while others in my age were drinking. Anyway, I didn't drink that night. One of my friends quit gaming over 10 years ago. Our friendship broke, as he started drinking while I continued gaming. Do you think gamers have higher risk to get alcoholics once they quit? Today I was on a bicycle tour with my girlfriend. 65 km / 40 miles, quite a lot, but it felt really good to get the body working again and feel the sun and the wind. So far, nobody noticed that I have quit playing. I will not tell anybody. This is my own choice. I also need no accountability partner. If there is any pressure from the outside, I will relapse. This has to stay my way and I want to be accountable only to myself, since I'm the only one that can control my gaming. I find it quite fortunate that I have been wasting about 15 years of my life with gaming. Now life is for me like for a newborn. I have never taken any drugs, not even cigarettes or coffee. I dont have any debts and my body shows no signs of excesses others went through in puberty. Basically I start completely clean. I think my english is really bad and my treasury of words is really small, maybe I should change that.
  21. Day 3: Tonight I had a dream. I was on skype with my friends and we wanted to do some games later on. Then I remembered (still in the dream) that I had uninstalled all my games. So I told them, that I could not join, because my girlfriend wants to go out with me (a lie). I woke up and realised that I did not know yet, how to tell my friends that I wont ever play with them again. Most of my friends are not living nearby anymore and gaming has been a way to stay in contact. So this might become a problem. Otherwise, I restarted WoW just some weeks before my Detox. I hadn't played it for more than a year and it took quite some time to get everything working again. Installing addons, setting up the interface, sorting the inventory and get the characters in shape again. This was a lot of fun. So today I realised, this can also be done in my real life. Now that I quit gaming, I can improve my real character: me! So I inspected my inventory (wardrobe) to check which items (clothes) I still have use for and what else I need to improve my character. Via youtube I learned how to fold a t-shirt in 2 seconds. In the afternoon I want to do some sun bathing on the balcony, because I'm quite white, and some strength training. In all the years I was playing rpg's, I had a lot of fun improving my characters. Applying this to myself now is a good transition into a gaming-free life. @Cam: Prior to Day 1, I read Respawn, uninstalled all games and started the Detox. Yesterday I read Respawn again and recognized that at the first time I went over it in the way I was used to read stuff: just by scanning. So this time, with less haste, I've read more carefully and got your point that you have to fill the void that gaming left with something that fulfills the same needs. Because of my social anxiety, gaming has been the easiest to get the social component, because I could stay at home and still experience adventures with others. Maybe gaming was not the problem, but a way to supress my real problems, a possibility to escape reality. This makes things way more complicated. I have to find out who I really am, deal with my problems, while going cold turkey on the only thing that promised relief. I don't really fear a relapse, but more that I fall for some other unhealthy way of escaping. So far I'm completley straight in terms of any drugs. But if I fail now, things could become so much worse (I've read through some of the alcoholism posts). This might be the most important turning point in my life.
  22. Day 2: The enormous amount of time I now have at my disposal is overwhelming. My normal routine would be to finish whatever I have to do as quickly as possible to get back to gaming, but now I just troll around because my day has like 8 more hours than it should have.
  23. Thanks a lot for the friendly support. Do you think it becomes easier after the 90 days?
  24. Day 1: First day without games. Because I got so shocked by the perspective of willpower erosion, I stopped fapping and mindless browsing additionally.
  25. Hey Tom, I really share your feelings. I'm also from Germany and just started my journey. If you want to write or talk with someone, please send me a message. I would really appreciate it.