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Zero

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  1. Zero

    My diary

    A friend of mine was at my place for almost a week. Besides me having to work we did a lot of outdoor activities, working out together at my home and having a drink in the evenings. It was a nice time and I didn't think much about playing games, but since he left it's coming back. Also I realize how my brain tries to find an alternative for the games to still get that dopamine, because recently I feel a growing desire for drinking alcohol and watching movies, although I'm an occasional drinker and wasn't really interested in watching a lot of movies in the past few years. I really need to work on my self-organization, no matter if it's about work or my interests. Sometimes I feel it's all too much and I end up not getting forward at all, which makes me hate myself. When I start thinking about why I am like that, I realize that I have no real goals in life. I mean, right now I have a girlfriend and my own business, and of course there is the idea that I could have a family and make good money someday, but I don't feel any burning desire for that or anything else. It's all like: "...yeah, it could be, it might happen, but if not, doesn't matter..." All I know is: I want to live, but what I actually want to do with my life I don't really know I think...
  2. Hello 24 year old still Tom! 😉 As someone who dropped out of university not once, not twice but actually 3 times due to video game addiction, let me tell you this: If I could go back in time I would slap my 24 year old me unconscious. I wasted many years of my youth and my life and lots of money for nothing. I stole my future self the fundament of a happy life and made it hard and sometimes even miserable instead. Sometimes my biggest wish is to travel back in time and be a high school student again to undo all the things I messed up. Life will be so much easier if you have a university degree. At least I made the experience that without it adult life is so much harder. I highly recommend you seek professional help and manage to somehow finish your studies with a degree! The good thing is that you realized you have a serious problem relatively early. The earlier, the better! You can still turn your whole life around and be happy and successful! I know it's not easy, it never is! But if you try to make changes happen, it will be all worth it! I wish you all the best!
  3. Zero

    My diary

    Yes, if my mental condition stays like that for some more time, I'll definitely consider doing so.
  4. Zero

    My diary

    Well, I have to say that, for quite some time now, I sometimes think that we aren't on the same team and I am not sure if we will stay together for a long time, so there is not enough trust to tell her about this. I don't think it would help improve my relationship with her, more likely she will lose respect for me and consider me weak I guess. The relationship developing into a direction I don't like is one of the reasons why I am feeling a strong desire to play again for some time now. When I compare myself to 15 years younger me I have to realize that there is no such "passive growth". Some of my points of view sure changed, but that's exactly it: a change, but no growth or improvement. I am still the same person with the same characteristics and flaws. It might work well for others, but to me it looks like if I want to grow, I need to do it actively. The problem here is that - for some unknown reason - as soon as I schedule things, even if I enjoy doing them, they feel like I "have to" do them and it feels heavy and stressful. I feel happiest if I can do everything spontaneously. Even the things I don't like tend to be easy if I can say:"Hey, I feel like doing that now, so why not just do it?" But of course I know that's not how it works when you want to get forward in life.
  5. Zero

    My diary

    Thank you for your posts. These days I have a friend visiting me at my place. I will reply next week when he leaves.
  6. Zero

    My diary

    I didn't post last night. I think I should change the time for posting in here, because at night before I sleep I don't feel like reflecting on this topic. Yesterday was nothing special going on. In the afternoon I felt a longing for "other worlds" because I felt bored of this world and my daily life. I went running and felt better afterwards, like I could get something out of my system. Today I feel like shit. Tired, exhausted, bored, bad mood, no motivation, depressed. But strangely there is no urge to play video games. That made me think of something: Before, I always thought I feel depressed and unmotivated because video games keep me from improving and moving forward in my life and the excessive playing is tiring me. I thought when I quit gaming I will start to feel better. Motivated, focused, energetic, happy. Especially because aside from the video game addiction I am living a really healthy life. I eat healthy, I sleep enough, I do workout (more or less regularly), I started running and I like to take walks. But what if I am wrong and I am tired, unmotivated and depressed because there is something wrong with me/my health? Of course I have more time to do better/more useful/meaningful things now because of not playing, but I don't feel like it has any positive influence on my mental state. The thought that today's poor condition might not have anything to do with the video game addiction but with health problems really worries me.
  7. Zero

    My diary

    I couldn't go running today because it was raining all day today. So i stayed at home and tried to be somewhat productive, but I didn't really feel motivated. Late afternoon I started thinking about "maybe sticking to only one game is fine", which is not, of course. Even without playing I procrastinate. I'm such a messed up person with lots of bad habits, no structure, no routines and no emotional self-control. This will be a long, hard way to go...
  8. Zero

    My diary

    Today I realized that for me the hardest time of the day is the morning, right after waking up. I immediately start thinking of the things I need to do that day and it already makes me feel a little bit stressed, which makes me want to play. So I need to establish a morning routine. I am thinking about meditation or some easy sports activity. I already started running 2 weeks ago, but I only do it twice a week because I am a beginner and actually hate running. I do it anyway because I feel I really should do something for my stamina. I highly prefer lifting weights, which I do irregularly. Some weeks I workout really intense but when the addiction gets too strong I feel to exhausted to do it and do nothing for weeks. It was a little bit difficult today. All day long thoughts and pictures of the games that I loved to play popped up in my head. Sometimes it gave me a headache but I managed to resist and instead made lists of things I want to do, topics I want to know more about, books I want to read, bands i want to listen to, movies I want to watch and people I want to follow. I always aim for growing, physically and mentally. I want my business to grow and be successful, I want to get in better shape and i want to gain more knowledge. Now I just need to establish routines. It's not easy, self-organization has never been my strength. But thinking about the person I could be in the future makes me feel good. I don't want to be the kid in a grown man's body anymore. So I will give it my best and not give up.
  9. Hello! That sounds pretty awesome to me! You are working on a nice career, you have the will to improve, you have a nice hobby and already more ideas in mind! I am very sorry to read that. I also had a lot of bad experience during my youth and I know how it can affect the mind and soul even many years later. It can be really difficult to move on and make peace with the past. Well, I guess that's where we have to go if we want things to get better 🙂 I wish you all the best and hope you'll find what you're looking for on this forum!
  10. You should do that! Even if you can't get rid of the console or the games, you can still make them unavailable for yourself. Especially in the beginning it is much easier to quit if you give yourself no access to games or make it as difficult as possible.
  11. Zero

    My diary

    Today I felt a lot better than yesterday. In the morning it was a little bit difficult to get going and during the day I was not that much productive, but there was not much desire to play and I was in a good mood. I was able to think about routines and make plans. Doing so I felt actually really happy and kind of "free".
  12. Hello! I am sure many people here - myself included - can relate to this. I wish you all the best on your journey to a healthier, happier and simply better life!
  13. Thanks again for visiting and posting in my diary/journal. May I ask: Does your wife know about your addiction/problems with playing video games? And also: Does living with your family make it feel easier or more stressful for you to quit?
  14. Zero

    My diary

    Thank you for visiting and posting in my diary/journal. Yes, I know about the bad mood. Some years ago I tried to quit (a few times to be honest) and I could make 6 weeks without playing. The first few days I am normally unable to do anything, just sitting at home or sleeping or walking around outside while being nervous because my fingers want to click something. After some days I start feeling better, able to think and start doing things again, but I know there are days where it randomly all comes back: The urge to play, the bad mood, being nervous... I need to find a good way to get through these days, or least get through them somehow without falling back into old habits... I don't want to share it with my girlfriend. I know there are people who say: "In a relationship/marriage you should share everything with each other", but I disagree on that. I simply don't want to share it with her and also in my opinion it is not always good/useful/helpful to share everything. My family also doesn't know about my addiction but a few friends of mine do. I just casually told my girlfriend last week: "Oh well, I deleted all my games from my phone. I want to spend my free time more useful.", but she has no idea what it actually means to me and what a struggle it is.
  15. Zero

    My diary

    It has been a few days now that I deleted most of my games. I don't remember which day it was, I think it was at the beginning of last week. I felt horrible since then, physically and mentally. I'm in a bad mood most days, I can't really concentrate on work, I feel so tired all day every day and there is this strong desire to play... But the most stressful part is to act like I am fine, because my girlfriend doesn't know about my problems and I don't want her to know. I am a person who analyzes a lot. So of course I tried to find out why I am addicted to video games and found two reasons: - the real world is boring to me. The places, the people, society, activities... Life seems to be so limited in every way. I am fascinated by medieval fantasy or futuristic science fiction worlds, but reality is just a dull, boring world in between. Most people seem to be boring and enjoying a mediocre (at best) life. No one seems to have a dream, a vision or at least something interesting to say anymore. Most societies' standard of living seems to fall instead of rising and all activities I tried so far (multiple sports and hobbies) just don't give me what video games are giving me. It's like:"yeah, that's a nice thing to do but do I need to do it again and again? Maybe not... It's not THAT interesting..." - the second reason comes from a friend of mine, and she was totally right about it. She said:"when it comes to achievements, unlike the real world, video games are fair." and that's totally true in my opinion. If you want to level up your character or you want to get an item, you know exactly what you have to do to get your reward. You know that it will be a grind but you are willing to do it, because you know what you will get for it and when. Do you know how many hours you have to work or what you have to do to finally get that raise, or that promotion, or that car you always wanted? Maybe you're busting your ass day by day but in the end still that idiot coworker you never liked gets the position anyway, for reasons you'll never know. These are the two reasons I think that make video games so addicting for me: Escaping from the boring real world into more fascinating worlds and knowing exactly what I have to invest for getting what I want. But still I want to live in the real world. I know that none of these worlds, achievements, etc. is worth something. It is just an illusion. Pull the plug and you stand there with nothing. It's just so hard to quit...