Simon E

*hrrm* Oh Cam. This changes things... I may be able to forgive a poor muggle once in a while, so it's okay. (But only if you promise to see them ASAP )

Day 59: @hycniejsy Will do! @Tatu92 Tapes like that suck! I rate them 0/10. There's higher quality-stuff to listen to; we should change tapes. Also, I love quotes really badly. I love good quotes even more. The one you shared is awesome. There's real power in the words, you know? It makes failure sound terribly exciting; it makes you wanna go out there and beat your head bloody against the wall of challenge, and not stop until either one breaks. Fuck yeah! Ima go do the deeds people! *manly roar* ...Actually, I'm not finished journaling yet. And the only deeds tonight will happen inside my own fictional universe. Does that count? Wrote 1100+ words today, on my first draft. I'm writing a book, people. It's happening! (I may or may not have skipped school today though... Don't look at me like that! You should've seen the weather, man. Or woman. And it's not like we do anything important in school.) I think this positive mindset-thing is working. It's not that I've completely changed the way I think, it's simply that, when I catch myself frustrated about something, I make a point of seeing myself suceed in the future, even if I have no idea of how I'll get there. It feels better... I think. It's something I will keep exploring. Having a somewhat big guitar-concert tomorrow (big is a very relative word), and I'm both hyped and anxious. Should spend some time tonight in a corner visualizing my sucess. Alright, that'll be it for tonight. (Take two: Ready, set, go!) Fuck yeah! Ima go do the deeds people! *manly roar fading into the distance*

Day 58: Much appreciated words. Much needed words. Thank you. I'm going to make a promise, a vow, to myself. And not just in regards to my writing. Whatever I do, I will think positively about it. Whatever goal I have, I will picture myself achieving it. Whatever the aspect of my life, I will let my thoughts lift me up, not drag me down. When I write, I will write with courage. Freely. Without doubt. I will write because I love it. Because I have stories worth telling. That's it. If you're going to think, why not think big? Only the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who will

I enjoy reading your journal - you have a certain constructive mindset that I like. It's almost as if I can feel how you try to learn from everything simply by reading what you've written. Also, I agree with Nancy above. Acquaintances and friends on facebook mean nothing, really. Honestly, if you are happy while being completely alone (which I doubt, since humans are a group animal; heck, even I need people), you should allow yourself to be just that. One's worth isn't determined by ones amount of friends. If you crave company, get out there and find some. Keep up your positive attitude.

Day 57: Mixed feelings about today. The writing-depression got to me for a few hours in the morning (you know the type, "My writing sucks, wää, wää, Im so miserable, wää"), but it eventually passed, and now I'm okay again. I really need to shut those voices out. (Yeah, I keep telling myself this, but it doesn't stick). No judgment, no thoughts about how I'm never going to suceed. Blah blah blah. Went to the gym for the second time this weekend, and it felt good. I've prioritized the martial arts over gym sessions lately, but they do wonders for my mood, so I should make more time for them. @Cam Adair Yeah, I really did. My subconscious must've taken your words to (it's nonexistent) heart. @Reno F lmao. No comment. That's it. School early tomorrow, so I'd better close my eyes for a while - after I've finished the latest chapter. (Rip sleep). Oh well. Night everyone.

Day 56: Today was the complete polar opposite of yesterday. How can two chunks of time play out so differently, with me still being the same person? I'm honestly curious. Is it because chemical shifts in our brain, or because of a few either positive or negative thoughts compunded? Is it mere coincidence? I pretty much woke up with a grin on my lips, and that determined my day. I have now written the prologue to my novel, and I'm actually happy with how it turned out. Look at that - for once I didn't consider my writing to be absolute shit. Only a couple hundred more pages to go... :^) That prospect doesn't scare me though. I caught myself last night being excited about the (long... And daunting) journey ahead of me, and again there's these fleeting pictures in my mind. Fragments of dreams, pieces of a possible future. Recieving the confirming letter from a publishing company. Seeing your book out there, together with all the others. Having people that truly want to read what you've written. I'm slightly closer to that goal than I was yesterday. Rinse and repeat. Also, I'm immensely grateful to whoever invented juggling. (Probably didn't take a genius when I think of it, but still). I can't stress enough how refreshing it is to walk away from the writing at times, and simply juggle. The contrast between the two activities is striking. From essentially being in the situation of a god, with the responsibility of one, you now have one goal; throw balls in the air and catch them again. It's so mindless, but addicting and peaceful at the same time. Pick up juggling people, and watch your lives improve. :^) Today wasn't even all that productive if I disregard the many words written, but still, it felt damn good. It would feel even better if I understood why it was this way, but I guess I shouldn't fret about that. Just smile and wave boys. Time for some quality time with my favorite acquiantance. (Yes, I'm going to bed). G'night people. We have the rest of our lives

Day 55: I'll just pretend today didn't happen lol. When I've gotten the necessary shit done I'll go to sleep and wake up with no memory of this day. Well, it's not that bad. Just one of those "nope, fuck this"-days. @WorkInProgress I haven't actually thought about it like that before, as if my brain has changed focus now, but I appreciate the idea. My goal would be to obsess about writing as much as I did with gaming. @Tatu92 The communication tend to be rather sporadic. There can be weeks between the good days though. And yeah, screw waiting rooms Also, my patience has run dry; I'm going to start on the first draft tonight. This day is a shitshow already, it can't get any worse by attempting to write, right? (Heh...) I apologize for the negativity, people. Maybe you will read this and become grateful about how much better you feel in comparison? :^) I'll feel better after a solid night's sleep. Bon nuit, for now.

Welcome aboard! I can only second what WorkInProgress wrote, definitely come in here and write everyday, about whatever you need to get out of your mind. We are here to listen. Good luck.

Day 54: Alright, so yesterday was quite a bit more interesting than I made it sound like; we recieved information about further studying in the future, I talked to a bunch of people almost effortlessly (which, as an introvert, is something I have to give myself props for), realized how much I love psychology and philosophy, and closed the day off with a quick visit to the hospital (nothing too serious). Today has been kind of intense aswell, with followup hospital visits (they really test your patience), and some more stuff. I'm exhausted. It's also interesting to see how my perception of the world changes more and more as I begin to think like a writer. I can experience something the vast majority of people would consider to be negative, and absolutely cherish what happened, because it means that I can now write about it with more depth and legitimacy than I otherwise would have been able to. I also listen more carefully to how people speak, which is useful when writing dialouge. I may get lost in thought for ten minutes straight considering how I would describe the colour of autumn leaves getting caught in the sunset, what specific words I would use to encapsulate that certain gleam. Basically, my brain has gone wild, in an awesome way. Guess what? I should be sleeping. Sweet dreams (and beautiful nightmares), everyone. It's never to late to be who you might have been

It's quite uplifting to read your reflections upon company and gaming, and I agree with you. Having someone you love, someone you can talk to - that's valuable beyond measurement. When we are alone our fears and cravings and struggles are always lurking inside us, always present, but when we are together with that special someone they are not that scary anymore. The light of the ones we love outshine the the darkness within us. Also, big respect for making the decision to quit smoking. You will be grateful in the long run, I'm sure.

I just noticed we're actually on the exact same day of the detox. Let's make sure we both reach 90, eh? Also, that's an interesting way of keeping yourself from procrastinating/browsing. Interesting to see how that'll work out. Keep improving!

Day 53: I'm being proactive today - writing before the training instead of after, so I won't sit here at 23 o'clock about to fall unconscious at any moment. Ehm... I do not actually have anything of importance to say today, lol. Since I'm not struggling with cravings at all anymore I do not have any dark, interesting thoughts to share, which is kinda sad. Felt good in regards to my story aswell today - no harsh self-criticism - but then again, I've promised myself that; no judgement. That'll be it. Still going strong with my daily habits, but nothing new to report. I hope you're all having a nice day.

Day 52: Another day finished. Another building brick of my life layed down, never to be picked up again - for better or worse. School can feel like such a waste of time sometimes, like it's just something some dude made up so that all the kids would be busy doing something. I get the point and all, it's for learning and betterment of yourself, but most of the time, its just a buttload of crap. I honestly imagine I would be able to learn all the matters brought up in school much faster by myself, at home or in the library. I doesn't take a genius to find a system more effective than copying what the teachers say. Oh well. Since I lack the balls or the faith required to drop out of school and write fulltime, I'll keep attending the local nut-house for a while longer. @Tatu92 I've heard about that book before, so your recommendation seals the deal; I'll add it to the list of books I wanna read. Thanks for your encouragement. @AlexTheGrape Thank you. Honestly, having faith in ourselves is the only sensible thing to do. If you do not believe that your actions will lead to to what you want, it's all futile, isn't it? At that point, you may aswell curl down on the ground and await death, since there's no purpose in continuing. It may sound harsh, but it's true. Begin believing in yourself, or take a moment to ask yourself why you the fuck you are doing what you are doing, since you can't see the point anyways. Since I'm not the brightest crayon in the box I'm struggling to keep this in mind, but I'm getting better at it. @happykhan (Nono, definitely not. Where'd you even come up with that, silly?) @Reno F That's... Uplifting to hear, actually. Maybe I should embrace my suckiness as something completely natural. That'll be it for this jolly evening. According to the snowflake method, I'm almost able to begin writing, but despite all this work, I feel like I know even less about my novel then when I started. Or maybe I'm simply aware of much I do not know, when in fact, my knowledge has grown? Ehm. Anyways, I have a feeling that'll figure stuff out as soon as I begin, so I won't wait for much longer now. G'night, guys.

Day 51: My mood was way better today - the result of me picking myself up and telling myself not to be such a little bitch. There's really nothing to gain by comparing yourself to published authors, or constantly looking down on your own work. As you may know I'm a big advocate for exploring different feelings other than happiness, but there's really no value in telling yourself you're worthless and that your writing sucks. Following this day I won't give in to such thinking. I will Picture myself becoming published, as if that's the only option. As if I cannot fail. Write because I love to, and not because I have to. I'm not in it for the money, I'm in it because there's nothing I enjoy doing more.Separate my editing voice from my writing one. This is essential. First I write without a thought on how the words looks on paper, then, much later, I edit, I change, improve. If I attempt to do both at the same time my brain suffers a complete meltdown and I probably break down and cry - no bueno.Phew. I needed to tell myself that. That's it for today though. The martial arts training lasted for longer than usual, and so, I'll have to hurry to bed. Also, there's this whole "Winter is coming"-feel in Sweden now; the temperature finally dropped below zero and stayed there the whole day. There's nothing quite as refreshing as that first cold breath in the morning Peace, people.

That's admirable of you to focus on the positive. I really should be doing more of that aswell, heh. I'll try to follow your example in the future - cause honestly, it's not too enjoyable being depressed and sulking.

Welcome Richard! It's a powerful decision you've made - and you're right in that it will change your life for the better. Good luck with your journey. We've got your back!

Welcome to the club! I've been struggling with league aswell, so I can relate your experience. Everyone that manages to quit that game should get a medal or something, honestly. Great job quitting the game, but know that it doesn't end there. You need to free yourself from all streams and videos aswell, to completely move on. I believe you can do it though - after all, I managed to. Good luck with your journey!

Day 50: Wohoo, day 50! *fanfares and people celebrating* It's been kind of a weird day. It's funny (not really) how the thing you absolutely love to do can also be the thing that threatens to destroy you. I'm still working on my novel (sounds like that is everything I do, lol - I make sure to eat and sleep too, don't worry guys), and I'm realizing more and more just how complex the task at hand is. You have to create a whole new world, a believable world, with history, culture, religion, people. You need a story that makes sense, that's interesting and fresh and originial. You need characters that are multi-dimensional and real, that develops together with the story. You need this and that and ermagehrd, it's so much. And you have to do it all well too, as if simply coming up with all that stuff wasn't enough. And do not even get me started on the writing; it has to be beautiful, poetic and smooth, while still coming off as effective and minimalistic. Meanwhile, you feel the pressure that comes from knowing how many great books and authors that's out there, making your book silly and illogical and dumb and simply not good enough in comparison. *sigh* All this knowledge eats away at your soul, and you do not even have a choice but to keep chasing it, to keep writing. That's the only way to deal with it that I know of, atleast. It would be amazing if I were able to shut off all the judgemental, tiresome voices in my head, but I doubt that's possible. Kinda depressing post, but I'm feeling rather depressed at the moment so that was inevitable. (Look how hard my life is - I'm trying to write a book and it is challenging. The world is so unfair, buhu *spoiled tears*) Alrighty then. Also, thank you, @DaBest. If only my mindset helped me write :^) I appreciate your words.

Day 49: Woah, I'm about to hit 50 days. Wasn't it like yesterday I felt hyped about coming close to 30? Oh well. Time, man. Still working on the novel. Yes, I am slightly obsessed. Is it completely healthy? No. Does it feel amazing? Yes. Obsession is the way to greatness, haven't you heard? I'm finished with step 6 of the snowflake plan, and I'm working on step 7. Soon, soon, I'll be able to begin with the first draft. I'm excited. I think it'll work out. No, I know it'll work out. Doubts are not invited for this trip to fantasy worlds and beyond. I'm going to publish this novel, and I'm going to become an author. That's it. I'm way past my bedtime (big surprise there, I'm always way past my bedtime lol), so I'll close it off here. Go chase your dreams people. Do not sit around and wait for it to happen - take it by force. It has been said before, but whatever it is that you want, it's possible for you to get it. Look at all the people that has achieved fantastic things, and then realize you do not differ from them. You are made of the same atoms and molecules, the same stardust, if you wish, as they were; you are capable of doing anything they did. What one man can do is what any man can do. ~ Goodnight, everyone.

Day 48: I haven't necessarily been more productive today, but still I felt much better. This is probably because I got a bunch of sleep (10 delicious hours), and because I simply decided to be happier. I'm wavering between feeling complete hubris and utter despair regarding my novel. At one moment I see myself writing the next big bestseller, and a second later I can't for everything in the world see how anyone would like to read what I write. But let's disregard my feelings; I'm definitely making progress (whether that progress is positive or negative is irrelevant). I'm halfway through step 6 of the snowflake method, and once I'm done with that there's only two more before I can actually sit down and start pounding away at my keyboard for real. Also, I've got to give myself props for establishing a decent number of positive habits. It's easy to take your new actions for granted, but I have a certain consistency today that I definitely lacked before, something I mustn't forget. That'll have to be it for this report - the English language won't cooperate with me today. Night, people. When it is dark enough, you can see the stars

I'm glad to see you have such a positive relationship with your sister; as an only child, something like that causes me to feel both relief and jealousy. Stay strong through the weekend!

You're completely right about the part about obligations, and that they are merely an illusion. You do not even have to live, and thus, there's nothing in life you must do either. When you realize that fundamental truth you will feel a certain freedom - one that cannot be taken away. I feel like we need to remind ourselves of that again and again. Following the law, paying rent, wearing clothes etc. The world makes us believe that these things are set in stone, but they're not. They are only true as long as we choose to believe in them. It's hard to put down these thoughts in words, but I agree with you, and have been thinking alot about matters such as these before. Any day you do not relapse deserve to be called a sucess. Good job.

Day 47: I didn't really live up to my expectations. The time has passed in some kind of feverish haze - I've been busy but I haven't achieved that much. Math is hard and the big litterature study I have to write is even harder. I know it'll get easier once I've started, but that's the thing. ._. Atleast I have written quite alot, and I've been taking care of my health/sleep somewhat. These things have to be the basics, and when all else fails, atleast I can say I got those done. Also I'm not at home at the moment, so maybe that serves as a legitimate excuse for not being as productive as usual? No? Okay :c I'll try harder tomorrow; this uncertain, fickle thing called the future will have to be my savior. Meh. I'm way past my scheduled bedtime already, so unless I want the failure of today to bleed over into tomorrow, I'll have to go now. Hoping to bring brighter news tomorrow night. Peace, everyone.

You should definitely look up something to do, an activity you can dedicate your life to. Your age is extremely helpful - whatever you choose to do, you will have extreme potential to become great. I'm rather young aswell (18), but I catch myself wishing again and again that I had started writing, drawing, playing instruments etc earlier than I did. According to the science of neuroplasticity, your brain has an easier time to rearrange itself while you are young, thus making you a more proficient learner. basically, if you start now, you will be really thankful in a few years. (This probably sounds like boring, scolding parental talk, but it's true). I don't know where you are in your life right now, or what you have done before, but I recommend you try out a bunch of different things. My personal tips would be drawing or writing, since they are both cheap, awesome and can potentially make you a living if you get good enough. Life really evolves when you have an activity you love, one that's unique to yourself. School can be ok or even pretty nice at times, but I don't think it grants you enough fulfillment. (Also, grades aren't all that important when you're as young as 14. It's more about developing a learning mindset, and a way to effectively get the studying done) I hope you figure stuff out, cause life is supposed to be anything but boring. Good luck.

Do not feel ashamed over your relapse - you show up stronger on the other side of it. Good joob making the decision to quit again, now get out there and make something great of your life, no excuses.