NEW VIDEO: I Quit MMOs and THIS Happened
Vee
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Posts posted by Vee
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10 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:
3) A manager from a nearby fitness centre called me and calmly told me again about the work I applied for last week before inviting me to a group interview! Hopefully it's not too cutthroat in there!
Hope the interview goes well!
It sounds like you're doing great with not gaming and with recognising trigger points.
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...Obviously I just continued gaming for weeks. It's cooled down a little in the last few days, but I've still got one idle game open, which is on Steam. I played My Time at Sandrock for 77hrs, and I enjoyed myself for many of those hours, perhaps even over 50%. But while playing it, everything else in my life was on hold. Then I switched between a few other games - I enjoyed playing one of the other games, but the rest were just mindless. Now that I'm over the "omg I haven't played games for so long, I must play ALL THE GAMES CONSTANTLY" phase, I'm thinking about going back to quitting. I mean, it's popped into my head literally every day, but this is the first day I've felt like I can face posting on this forum. I'm trying not to judge myself harshly, and trying to engage with the "radical acceptance" concept.
I spent many hours playing games, that's a fact. Some of that time was enjoyable. Some of it simply passed the time, and I suppose in a way that's okay. But because I've spent many hours playing games, I have not been eating regularly, or keeping up with exercise, or journalling. Because I avoided my to-do/habit app (TickTick) I have also not been keeping up with taking supplements or brushing my teeth regularly. All these things are necessary for my short- and long-term wellbeing. I feel/felt guilty for not doing some things I felt I "should" do, e.g. write, engage with my writing group, look into courses that would help me with work. I'd prefer it if I had done those things. I didn't manage to stick to not playing games for as long as I would have liked (and thus fell into a pattern of lower functioning), so I need to experiment and try out different ways that worked for me.
Things that didn't work:
- The Freedom App. Probably any restriction app. I think specifically trying to limit myself made me rebel against it, and also reminded me that I was restricting myself. I didn't feel free. I would hate the idea of someone else having a pass code, so I don't think that would work.
- Using gaming as a reward. Well, duh. It's too easy to see through the lie of "I can only game when I've done X" - actually I can play whenever the hell I like. If I did want to try moderation, I think I'd need to simply...choose moderation. Not try to restrict myself to only before Xam or after Ypm.
- Reinstalling Steam. Well yeah, duh, but I mean even if I could moderate my behaviour (doubtful), Steam is designed to lure me into new shiny things. Or even old shiny things, e.g. when the news feature tells me a game I haven't played for years has a shiny new update.
- Chastising myself when I did slip up. Shame led me to avoid actually thinking through what I was doing, and led to me playing even more.
I don't know what I need in order to recommit to not playing. This post is just a way to say... I'm thinking about it. I haven't abandoned Game Quitters quite yet.
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3 hours ago, Captain_Pilz said:
Thanks for sharing your struggles, everyone faces them here or has faced them at some point. The most important thing is to keep going now.
I am curious: Why do you think your experiment with Freedom failed?
My brain just fell back into the familiar pattern of chasing the feeling of progression, and since a) I didn't use Locked Mode and b) Freedom doesn't block a tab if its already open when the blocking session starts (e.g. with a Unity WebGL game, or a single page javascript game), it was easy to ignore. The mental pathways just felt so familiar that when I started it was difficult to stop. I felt in a weird brain space where I could see the hours drift by, but all my other priorities just felt...muted. I was aware I wanted to do other things, but I didn't truly feel it.
My idea above about only playing after Xpm in the evening feels foolish now. Even if I did manage to stick to it, the rest of the day I would still be thinking about gaming, and planning what to do in the game (My Time at Sandrock is my current temptation). I can spend a lot of time devoted to gaming outside of actually gaming, whether that's looking at wikis or watching videos or just writing notes about a game.
Maybe the answer is to look into solo journalling games? Those could give a vibe of progression, while also being more focused on writing and slower vibes.
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After 56 days I broke my streak. Badly.
On Monday I thought maybe the way to wake up early was to use the Freedom software to block web browser games at all times except 5am-9am, that way maybe it would help motivate me to get up at a vaguely reasonable time. And on Monday, it worked. I woke up at 8am, played a mindless browser game, then did some writing, went for a good jog, and went to a writing discord meeting.
Tuesday was a complete write-off. I woke up before 9am, then disabled the Freedom stuff so I could play stupid browser games (that I didn't even like) all day. I didn't leave the house, or eat properly (all I ate was porridge and chocolate) or do anything but game for maybe 12 hours. I resisted installing Steam, but I'm not sure I'd consider that a good thing since the games I did play were even lower quality than I'd play on Steam.
Wednesday through to today were also gaming days, though I had switched to two mobile games, thinking that I wouldn't devote much time to them because I don't usually use my phone much... I went from my usual <30m a day on my phone to 7+hrs. Still, I managed to jog Thursday, Friday and Saturday, did some chores, and ate better. I had the option to socialise on Friday but I didn't, perhaps partly due to gaming (although I was also worn out from my jog that day).
I uninstalled the mobile games a few hours ago. But oh God I really want to be able to game in moderation. I keep thinking about reinstalling Steam and trying to not gaming before Xpm, the time depending on how much I've gotten done... I know it's never worked before, but I guess I'm forever the optimist.
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On 11/10/2023 at 5:35 AM, Yan said:
Where I lost time:
5 planday
1 meditate
2 graride etc
1 Diary Entry
10 probably wearing clothes and preparing for workout
10 min workout
19 min shower+ change clothes which i forgot to put in schedule
When leaving for contract sign was 1 hour late on schedule
When leaving for deliveries was 2 hours late (1 hour lost for signing contract instead)
Planning could be improved a lot, times for contract signing weren't fittingTotal lost time: About 2 hrs
Out of curiosity, why do you frame these things as "lost time"?
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1 hour ago, FDRx7 said:
Honestly, I'm not really sure what to do anymore. I agree, these kinds of things happen in podcasts and people will say, "Ah we should cut that out" but they leave it anyways. However, no one puts a disclaimer at the beginning mentioning that a co-host "made a mistake they find funny and hopes the audience does too." They just leave it alone. The audience will either laugh along or ignore it. It seems like a very subtle way of digging at me but with plausible deniability intact.
I did gently confront him on it, asking why he chose to include that. He simply said that it made him smile when he heard it and decided to include it, that I can let him know what I think once I listen. It seems to be a very innocent response which is why I can't determine the intention or what to do about it. He did follow it up with, "You can include what you like when you edit, too" which didn't really make me feel any better about it. He certainly has a history of saying things to me that skirt the edge of being a dig and an innocent comment, so I'm trying to tell myself I'm not going crazy here but also to not act irrationally or impulsively.
I talked it over with a mutual friend of ours to get his advice. He tried to look on the positive side of things, which I appreciated, but he also did not discount that my fears could be true. I think speaking with him at least kept me from acting hastily. I've had a day to think it over and, unfortunately, I'm still on the fence. He's continuing to move on like nothing happened which, why wouldn't he? I think I need to mull it over a while longer and really see how I feel about it. Whether or not the podcast is interesting, I'm starting to wonder if it's at all good for our relationship.
To clarify, he released the episode to the public without discussing with you the mistake/inclusion of the mistake? Regardless of his motivations, this seems like a shitty thing to do. I would think the normal way of handling this would be to mention "Oh, it turns out you made this mistake, but I reckon it would be funny and engaging to still include it. What do you think?" It would take two seconds to drop you a message and properly communicate.
I guess it's impossible to be sure of his actual motivations. Perhaps the best thing is to draw up a list of pros and cons of the podcast, and focus on what is best for your personal growth, or happiness, or whatever metric you feel is most important to measure it by. Do you think it would be possible to drop the podcast and still maintain a friendship with him?
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My sleep schedule has gone back to being trash. I was up late both yesterday and Thursday due to socialising though, so it wasn't just me mindlessly browsing online etc.
I walked back from the train station last night at 1am and the night sky was GORGEOUS. Made me want to get into hiking to see how beautiful the stars can be in a more remote place (I live in a large town). I then dreamt I walked from Land's End to John O'Groats with a friend 😄. That's the length of the UK! I doubt I've even walked for four hours in a day before, and that's without a rucksack, yet my mind drifts to one of the most challenging hikes one can do in this country. I have previously chatted to some fit friends about having a hiking holiday in Wales, though we haven't planned anything concrete.
On Thursday I jogged a full 10k for the first time! Did it in 1:04:53, which I know isn't fast, but it is great for me and I was very pleased, even if I secretly hoped it would be under an hour. I had only intended to do ~7k walk-run mix, but found I wasn't having any issues 4k in (the point where I usually can't resist walking), so I just added an extra loop. I was thinking next year maybe I would try to do more exploratory runs. There's a Strava add-on called Veloviewer that has a cool "explorer squares" feature, which basically encourages you to try new routes and cover as much of the map as possible. I was daydreaming about jogging 10k out and getting a bus back, or getting a train to the next nearest town and doing jogging loops there. I'd want to be able to consistently jog 10k before I set that as a goal though.
Despite the above paragraphs, I've been feeling a bit low the last few days. I'm not sure why. I spent more time in bed because of it and I wish I hadn't, but I can also see how much better I've coped with the low mood. On Thursday I found myself crying a little, yet somehow managed to push myself out and run 10k - something that would have been inconceivable to me this time last year. On Friday I wanted to hole myself up in my room all day, but pushed myself out to see friends a couple of towns over. I don't actually know if those things helped me, but the mere fact I was able to do them is amazing. I guess this is what it is like to just feel "sad" rather than depressed.
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Today is 50 days of not gaming!
On Saturday, I spent hours reading through the Terraria wiki and watching a few Terraria videos. At first it increased my desire to play even more, and then gradually I remembered how much busywork is involved. It's true of most of the games I play, and the way I choose to play them. Boss battles and rare loot are exciting, but quite a lot of Terraria is just mining out blocks or dealing with enemies that are mild inconveniences. The desperate itch I've had in the last week has calmed a little.
Tried a new jogging route today! It wasn't a consistent jog, but it still felt good. Today was also the first day where I felt 100% healthy again.
I've also written every day for four days, which feels good! It's only been 800-1200 words each time, but it all adds up. I wish I could really get into the groove though, 3000+ word days feel amazing.
My sleep is improving too. Not quite where I want it to be, but much better than a fortnight ago.
My eating habits aren't great, but I've taken to having a peanut butter sandwich for lunch when I don't feel up for cooking, which is much better than my usual habit of just eating chocolate or sugary snacks for lunch.
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7 hours ago, FDRx7 said:
Whoa! I would LOVE to know what some of those are. I really enjoy board games but often don’t have enough people around to play. Single-player variants would be great
For ones that are solo-player only, he recommends Legacy of Yu and Under Falling Skies. His favourite one with good solo play that is also multiplayer: Bullet♥︎. I've played it as a group and it's an excellent game with good re-playability. The solo variant would feel quite different as there's no time pressure.
He recommended a bunch of others, that I've put in order of least complex>most complex according to Board Game Geek (as you might be more interested in lighter games to start with): Grove (2021), Crystallo, Rove, Ancient Realm, Turing Machine, Welcome To The Moon, Marvel Champions, Hadrian's Wall, Fields of Arle, Hallertau, Mage Knight: Ultimate Edition.
Alas, I haven't played any of those, so I can't comment!
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On 11/2/2023 at 8:47 PM, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:
Went to a gaming store today that I used to go to when I still played videogames, because my wife wanted to go. Turns out they have a LOT more than just video games, and I never really noticed because I was too busy looking at videogames. I was able to spend half an hour there without getting triggered at all, it was very easy not to look at the videogames. A pleasant surprise! I was really nervous when she initially asked to go, but now I'm glad we did. They've got all sorts of board and card games not to mention lots of delicious looking dice sets!
One of my housemates has over eighty board games, and several of them have rules for a single player variant. He really enjoys the puzzle-y aspects of single player ones, and there's a certain satisfaction in playing something with physical pieces. We play a lot of them as a group as well of course, but until I lived with him I didn't realise how many games had solo variants.
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17 hours ago, FDRx7 said:
Being sick can really throw you for a loop. Have some grace with yourself and slowly try to get back to your habits. I'm sure they'll start to come back. 45 days is a long time! I think you're doing great, despite what you might think.
Thanks 🙂 Even when I recognise that I'm doing well, I always think about how much better I could be doing.
Went for a mini-jog both yesterday and today - still not back to full health, but the jogs weren't too bad considering. Also wrote 900 words so far today - probably won't write more as we have friends round soon. My sleep schedule is also slowly becoming less awful. I've gotten back into journalling, after being erratic with it while ill.
On 10/26/2023 at 1:41 PM, FDRx7 said:Sorry you are feeling so ill, but sounds like you've made great progress otherwise! If you miss the deadline for the story this month, can you submit next month?
It was for Apex magazine, which has a specific prompt each month (for the flash fiction bit). I'm not too angsty about missing it though; I don't think my idea would really work in 1000 words. The outline I wrote up was 400 words already! I'll go back to the idea at some point and consider submitting it elsewhere.
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It's been 45 days without gaming and dear god I really want to game.
I've mostly recovered from being ill, although I'm still somewhat snotty and my cough is disrupting my sleep. I'm not sure my focus is quite back to normal either. Being ill has made me feel adrift, and I think that's what makes me crave the anchoring presence of gaming. It's been such a constant in my life, and there's no other hobby that feels remotely comparable.
I've been particularly craving Terraria, despite barely having played it for a couple of years, and only really being into it maybe ten years ago. It feels like the perfect balance of sandbox, plus creative, plus achievement-based (i.e. bosses to kill). The type of game where I could build a home. Even though I usually get fixated on numbers and achievements, I love the idea of having a home base, tweaking it here and there.
I wish, I wish I could play in moderation. I wish I could lay down rules for myself and only play being Xpm and Ypm. I know as I type this I'm trying to delude myself into thinking I can. While being ill I've done little but sleep and watch TV (which isn't much better than gaming), and it's been harder and harder to get myself out of bed. Winter probably doesn't help. But gaming is something that can genuinely motivate me to get out of bed when nothing else can. I haven't been keeping to the goals I've set myself, and rather than try to realign my behaviour (or suitably adjust my goals) it seems so much easier to stop trying.
...I guess I'll try to end on a positive note.
I created a channel for 100 word stories in my writing server, and much to my delight, people have actually been using it! Including some people who haven't engaged much recently.
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38 days without gaming!
Last week I felt a bit more active - I wrote a short story, did three runs (although two were mini) and became co-admin of my writing discord, as the owner has barely touched the server for months. I made a lot of little changes to the server, and I think it's helped people feel reinvigorated. I got a call on Friday from a friend who had had a bad day, and I felt honoured she called me - it made me feel valuable and connected. I also saw a play in London with a couple of friends on Saturday, and had a group call with friends on Sunday.
So far this week I've just been ill. I don't know if it's covid or just a bad cold, but regardless, I've mostly been in bed and unable to focus on anything. If it is covid, I hope I don't have a six-month cough like I did last time...
Annoyingly, this means I missed volunteering AGAIN. I also probably won't manage to write and submit a short story to a magazine whose deadline is the end of the month. Or if I do, it's going to be rushed and sub-par. Although I'm not terrible today (I'm sat up and typing this, after all!), I'm guessing there's no point in even attempting to do something useful until Sunday. Too foggy and tired.
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On 10/7/2023 at 3:35 PM, FDRx7 said:
I wonder if it's momentum. This is usually the problem for me, especially with social engagements. My wife often tells me, "You'll enjoy yourself once you're there." And it's true, I like seeing people. It's just the prospect of getting up and getting there feels so tiring for some reason. I have not gone to see people sometimes simply because I just didn't want to do the prep to get there. Once the ball is rolling, I'm good but I really need a push to get it moving. It even happens sometimes with simple things like going to the grocery store. Fine once there, but the idea of getting up and moving to do that can be an obstacle. Based on what you describe, perhaps it is similar for you? You seemed to really enjoy your time volunteering once you were out of the house. It sounds like it was just the prospect of getting there that was initially in the way. What do you think?
Yeah, I definitely feel like the getting there thing is a large part of it. But I don't understand why that is so much harder for me than it seems to be for other people. I went to volunteering yesterday, but for about ten minutes before I was just standing up with my head against the wall thinking about whether to go or not. It's less than a five-minute walk away. Volunteering is still intimidating but going to the supermarket isn't, and that's less than 15 minutes away. I try to break things down by thinking, "I'll just put the right clothes on, I'll just gather my things, I'll just put my shoes on" and that mentality helps a little, but it's still so hard sometimes.
Blah
I've now reached a streak of 30 days of no gaming, probably the longest in 20 years!
...I've also done barely anything the last two weeks. My sleep schedule has become as bad as it's ever been, my eating is erratic, and I've only jogged once in almost two weeks. I didn't go to volunteering last week (although I did go yesterday, yay), and I've barely left the house otherwise. I haven't touched my novel since the 9th, and I haven't finished any short stories (although I started two, so I have done a tiny bit of writing). There were two days I didn't use my private journal, and most other days I've just tracked my goals and written maybe a sentence.
I can't pin down a good reason why. My mood crashed a couple of weeks ago, but the actual low mood only last maybe four days, and wasn't severe. Since then I've been alternating between apathetic and frustrated with myself. I was particularly frustrated that I didn't go to volunteering last week. Also frustrated at my choice paralysis. I spent a considerable amount of time yesterday (over an hour, maybe two) lying down thinking about what writing project I should work on that day. Two of my choices were short stories, so I could've almost finished a first draft within that time.
Sometimes I wonder if I should go back on anti-depressants, but this year I've broadly been better than ever, so it feels like a weird concept. Also, I'm not sure anti-depressants ever did much for me (besides reduce intrusive thoughts), even though I was on them for years and tried a few different kinds. I don't have faith in the concept of anti-depressants like I used to. I could also try therapy, but I never felt like it did anything for me before, and that would add up to quite a chunk of money over the long run. Another option is to go back to trying Huel or something similar, because my erratic eating no doubt affects my mood.
ANYWAY. Plans for today are: go for a jog, finish a draft of the short story I was working on yesterday, and attend the writing call.
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On 10/8/2023 at 3:02 AM, eonplz said:
What I will do differently tomorrow:
Try to improve my moods. I felt like I wanted to die today. I had all type of deep depressive thoughts. But then I walked to a gas station to get water for the family and and realized I was in the street and afraid that a car would hit me. I knew then. I don't want to die, I'm just feeling sad, or upset. But that's ok. Bed now.
Sorry to hear your mood has been awful; I hope things have been a bit better since?
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8 hours ago, TheNewMe2.0 said:
Is it social anxiety that keeps you in the house? I totally work with that myself and I find that the best thing to do is to choose something that matters to me to go out for. And to make it win win like no matter what I know I'll get something good out of the experience. That helps bolster my spirits and hopefully yours too.
It's not social anxiety - I'm not super social, but I don't get too anxious about what people will think of me or anything. I wouldn't say it's quite agoraphobia either, there isn't anything I specifically fear, and I haven't had any trauma relating to strangers or my body failing me in public, etc. I can't really explain it, besides experiencing a strong resistance to leaving the house most of the time.
Wednesday
Writing: ★☆☆☆☆ / Eating: ★★★☆☆ / Leaving the house: ★★★☆☆
My mood dropped, so I got very little done. I managed to push myself out for a jog, but otherwise it was a struggle to just sit up and watch TV.
Thursday
Writing: ★★☆☆☆ / Eating: ★★★☆☆ / Leaving the house: ★☆☆☆☆
Again, did very little, ending up drifting in and out of sleep and staring at the ceiling a lot. One of the dogs was barking a lot both Wednesday and Thursday, so I struggled to concentrate. I pushed myself to do a tiny bit of writing, but I think it was literally about 100 words.
Today
Writing: ★★★☆☆ / Eating: ★★★★☆ / Leaving the house: ★☆☆☆☆
Still no gaming at least. I managed not to nap today as well. I did an hour of writing, although I'm not very satisfied with what I've written. My mood has picked up a bit from the previous two days, but I still feel mentally sluggish and it's hard to motivate myself to do anything.
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15 hours ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:
Today I actually spent most of the day with my partner, but I did take our daughter overnight and I am still spending the rest of the week here at my mom's house.
I checked off a bucket list item today, I did an art display at my local library. After I got the display set up I asked my partner if she was done with her appointment (meeting a new therapist, which went pretty well!) And we went out for lunch together.
She seemed in genuinely good spirits, probably because she was relieved to see and talk to me. I let her know my plans for this week, to finish it out as an experiment. If we don't work out in the end, we already know what split custody and living apart feel like.
She is fully aware of how precarious our situation is. In short, if she doesn't get her shit together and fast, we're done. I don't expect leaps and bounds overnight, but simple achievable changes that will point her in the right direction need to be put into effect immediately. It seems that she is already doing this, without me having to lay it all out for her.
She expressed she realizes she must find things to live for besides our daughter and myself, and this will be difficult but she's willing to try.
I did make her aware it is very important to me that she starts practicing gratitude. I don't mean to say that I do all the chores and it's a thankless task, that's not what I'm talking about here. It's the constant complaining about things such as our financial situation, without regards to how frankly PRIVILEGED we are.
Yes we're both disabled, yes neither of us is currently fit to work. Yes that comes with frustrations. But we live with her father who not only provides for us a roof over our head, but a genuine sense of security and welcomeness. He isn't the type to say "I love you" regularly, but he shows it in his actions. We live in a beautiful and safe neighborhood in a pretty large house. We are currently able to pay rent with our benefits and it genuinely helps dad. We never go hungry, in fact we often have TOO MUCH food, to the extent we have to donate things close to expiring!! We have blessed lives, despite some unfortunate circumstances.
Tangent aside, I have told her exactly what I need from her on the day I left as per her request. I need her to get help and to get back on medication, I need her to seek out human connection and new hobbies, I need her to attempt to connect with me by participating in family activities on a reasonable basis. There was more but I'm drawing blanks right now I am quite tired. Anyway she seems to understand these suggestions and how critical they are and is already taking action.
Again I don't expect overnight success and I know very well that this may all be for nothing, but I'm willing to give this a shot if she's willing to fight to save herself. Lord knows she's stuck with me through some shit I didn't deserve to be stuck with through... I wasn't always the person I am today. And I still have plenty to work on myself, no delusions about that!
Sounds like she's taking things onboard, fingers crossed it continues in a positive direction.
Congrats on the art display!
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Good to see you 🙂
In a way, gig jobs like Uber seem great for having a sense of autonomy, but potentially tricky to balance if you get lured into a pattern of gaming or other negative habits. Are there specific hobbies that have been good replacements for gaming/Twitch in the past?
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2 hours ago, TheNewMe2.0 said:
Fat loss and muscle gain come slow so I'll try to keep at it. It'd be cool to tryout the fancy habit trackers I see everyone having on here. I do it all with not much more than memory. I have a good memory though and that seems to help it stay sharp. Of course tracking would be more accurate. My memory doth not beat a computers.
I like habit trackers because it feels more motivating when I can see my progress visually. Although I'm only tracking three things in my Game Quitters journal, I track a whole bunch of things on TickTick. I recommend it, for things that are a clear yes/no, at least. Here are my night habits to give you an idea of the visuals:
For your journal here, it really depends on what you think will help you with your goals and who you want to be. There's no need to do something just because other people do it!
2 hours ago, TheNewMe2.0 said:Yea so I'm thinking instead of gym I'll use my apartment gym tonight. Even though I don't like it as much....yea forget it I'll just go to my main gym. The elipticals are calling my name 😛
How come you don't like the apartment gym?
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18 hours ago, TheNewMe2.0 said:
Thanks for liking my post 🙂 Nice in depth journal. Very organized even with a cool visual star rating. Sorry if you already talking about this a lost but what're you reading?
That's also very interesting practice to grow your comfort zone by spending 30m outside of it. Is there something specific you're wanting to get comfortable with or is it just like, you know it's a use it or lose it situation and the goal is to keep the comfort zone growing just to grow it? Like how people save money just to save it. <---definitely my mentality.
Dang that's impressive the novels going well and props on the 5k speed
Thanks - I stole the star rating idea from @FDRx7!
There isn't anything specific I want to work towards, but because I've always struggled with leaving the house I know it's affect my health, functioning and capacity for fun. If it feels like there are multiple obstacles to something, I'm far less likely to engage with it. E.g. going to an aerial fitness class is scary by itself, but made more difficult by the nearest one being two bus rides away.
5 hours ago, FDRx7 said:Just want to mention some of the best stories I've ever read were short stories. Fully endorse those.
And I see you adopted the ratings scale, very cool! I really like you how delineated what each level means. I feel I should probably do that as mine is kind of subjective right now. While this works, it might better if I have a rough definition of the scale written down, rather than in my head. Nice work!
Thanks! I felt like I needed to define the ratings, as my focus areas aren't clear cut. I also wanted to have 5/5 be aspirational rather than a goal I'm supposed to hit. It isn't plausible right now for me to get 5/5 on any of them daily, but it helps me remember it is possible, and to aim for that occasionally.
Re short stories: they definitely come more naturally to me than longer pieces! I want to submit my good ones to magazines, but I keep putting it off.
Today
It's now 16 days of not gaming!
I did a decent amount of writing today, but I spent a lot of today just angsting about volunteering. I spent the two hours before it just lying down in bed. But the volunteering session was good! It was basically a drama/social club for people with learning disabilities, and I chatted a bit to them, although I didn't feel very useful. I'm going to go there weekly now, and possibly look at the other clubs they do.
I think having herbal tea last night helped me get to sleep quicker, so I'm going to continue doing that.
Writing: ★★★★☆
Wrote about 1700 words. Not sure I'm happy with what I wrote, but I keep reminding myself it's just a first draft.
Eating: ★★★★☆
Ate three meals, although the timing was pretty random - 10am, 4pm, 9.30pm. I'm not keen on eating this late, but the volunteering time was awkward.
Leaving the house: ★★★★★
Volunteering for the first time (for this charity) was definitely out of my comfort zone! If I was retroactively scoring myself, the last time I pushed myself out of my comfort zone would be over two weeks ago (went to a comedy gig in another town, mostly with people I didn't know).
Tomorrow
I am curious whether I can beat my 5K time again, so I definitely want to go for a jog as it will be a bit cooler tomorrow. I also have my writing group call tomorrow and I think I'll actually share something this time. Otherwise, I don't want to push myself too much to do anything.
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On 9/30/2023 at 2:38 PM, FDRx7 said:
I work remotely, which has many benefits. However, this is one thing I have to try and remind myself to do - leave the house! You don't realize sometimes how familiar the four walls have become until you step outside. Even just walking the dog can be a sufficient change of scenery. I also read something about how switching up your environment - even going so far as to change furniture around in your house - can spark more creativity. I imagine that it breaks you out of a mental rut by disturbing well-worn pathways/patterns. I would think the cafe might help boost your writing because of that! Nice job though on continuing to write. Must feel good each day to see that progress.
It's always been a struggle for me to get out of the house and I was hoping jogging would help, but it's mostly just helped me get out of the house specifically for jogging. Which is obviously good by itself, but it's a shame it isn't as transferable as I had hoped.
The weekend
I had a chill weekend - no gaming, but not much of anything else. Did a tiny bit of writing on Saturday and went for a long-ish jog. On Sunday I wrote a lot in my journal, reflecting on the past quarter. Did a bit of juggling for the first time in a few days. I also finished reading a book over the weekend, the first book I've finished since April. In my early 20s I was reading 20-30 books a year, now it's closer to 5.
Today
Continued not to game, have eaten 3 meals but most importantly...
I BEAT MY PERSONAL BEST FOR 5K! I beat it by a whole minute. I am so damn proud of myself. The amazing thing is I could have done even better - I had a 30s walk near the end that I could have skipped, and the temperature was a bit higher than I'd like as well. Not that I feel bad about it to clarify - if anything, it motivates me because I reckon I could beat my PB again very soon.
Today has been good - I woke up early (for once...), went to the supermarket, got some chores done and did a tiny bit of writing (might do some more, not sure). I also bought some herbal teas. I'm not a tea drinker, but since I've struggled to get to sleep recently, I thought I'd try to incorporate some chamomile tea into a nighttime routine, along with reading. I'm actually a little tempted to get incense or something for a ritualistic feel, but I'm sometimes sensitive to smells so I'm nervous about wasting money.
I finally got a reply from one of the volunteer places, so I'll drop by there tomorrow and see if it's suitable.
Future
At some point this year I came across the idea of having weekly and quarterly reviews, ignoring monthly, and that has really clicked with me. Thinking about things monthly often feels like a weird in-between, especially as there are only 4 weeks to a month.
I've been writing a lot in my private journal about quarterly goals, but I thought I'd specify here as well. I've set three focus areas for Oct-Dec. Although there are a bunch of other things I'd like to improve, these three are the ones I'm going to prioritise:
Writing
I've written over 20k of what I'm guessing will be a ~90k novel, so considering the time I have on my hands, it's plausible I could have a first draft by the end of the year. That would be under 6000 words a week, which felt pretty doable last week. I'm not a "must write every day" person so I don't want to set that as a habit, but I would like to move towards daily-ish. I shouldn't rely on having spurts of 3k words in a day, but 1k+ words on a regular basis is very doable.
I would also like to get back to short stories, maybe 2-4 a month. Alongside my novel, that might be less plausible.
I've started scoring each focus area 1-5 in my private journal, so I think I'll do it here too. The rough breakdown of how I'd rank various days (it's somewhat dependent on how I feel, but the time is a rough guide):
- Zero writing or anything to do with writing
- A tiny amount of writing or writing-related activity. Time dedicated to writing is less than 30 minutes and/or I've written less than 400 words. This is probably most common these days, and even then, it's usually when I make a couple of notes rather than writing.
- A reasonable amount of writing-related activity. Roughly 30m-1.5h worth of time, perhaps more if it's planning/editing.
- A good amount of writing-related activity. Roughly 1.5h-3h of time.
- An excellent amount of writing-related activity. Roughly 3h+ of time, or an excellent word count while spending less time. As I find planning/editing more frictionless, I'd be less likely to rank such activities 5/5 even if I have spent a fair amount of time on it.
Eating
The foundational area that I'm worst at. In the short term, I just want to work towards eating three meals a day consistently. Once November comes around, I want to do some cooking as well, besides just making rice and beans.
- Nothing resembling a meal - either barely eaten anything, or just snacked on sugary crap. This almost never happens as I'm very good at eating breakfast regularly.
- One meal, usually plus snacks. I'd like to turn this from a rare occurrence to a thing that never happens.
- Two meals, usually plus snacks. Currently most common.
- Three meals, usually plus snacks.
- Three meals plus "other". Eating outside of my comfort zone, or cooking outside of my comfort zone, or maybe even just eating the meals at sensible times. Maybe also eating three meals even when it is very inconvenient. Maybe only eating healthy food.
Leaving the house
Not quite as foundational as food, sleep and exercise, but close. I've been great at going for a jog, but not so great at going out for other reasons. This one is more defined by comfort zones, which I guess technically means one activity could shift from being a 5 to a 3.
- Not stepped outside at all. At the moment this is almost every day that I don't jog.
- Either spent a fair amount of time in the garden (even this can be weirdly hard sometimes), or been outside for ~5 minutes (e.g. walking our anxious dog, who can't currently go far)
- Left the house for a very familiar activity - supermarket, familiar jogging routes
- Spent over 30m in an unfamiliar (or somewhat unfamiliar) environment that is still somewhat within my comfort zone, e.g. going to town, going on a familiar train route to go to a friend's house.
- Left the house to spend time in an unfamiliar environment out of my comfort zone for over 30 minutes, e.g. kickboxing, friend's choir performance, music festival.
So today the ratings would be:
Writing: ★★☆☆☆
Wrote about 300 words, did a little research and made a few notes. Technically did spend over 30m related to it, but not in a particularly focused way.
Eating: ★★★★☆
Ate three meals! Had a ready meal for lunch and housemate cooked dinner, but I'm focusing on the actual eating part rather than being super healthy or cooking regularly.
Leaving the house: ★★★☆☆
Doing both the supermarket and a run on the same day is pretty good for me, but both were comfortable environments.
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11 hours ago, Wildermyth said:
Today a Diablo IV video popped up in my Youtube feed and it's been a while since the algorithm recommended me anything gaming related. The title of the video was "Gaming's Biggest Tragedy", which made me click on it just to see how gaming once again had failed humanity. And it was the same old story with bad patches, game breaking bugs, poor communication with the fanbase, in-game economy revolving around micro-transactions and DLC etc. etc. Not wanting to play the game at all and having been away from gaming for so long now really made me feel sympathy for all the people that are still clinging onto this fragile fantasy. I've been so many times on the opposite end where I've defended the industry just to continue justify my addiction to games, but seeing it as a bystander now really gives you the full perspective.
One of the top comments of the video really brought home the essence of this lunacy: "The main problem with this game was that the end game really made you feel like you were wasting your life playing it. Most games are pretty good at masking this, Diablo 4 featured it."
You have this insight that you might be wasting your precious time, and still you hold on for your life, wishing for the next game to pull you in so hard that you forget all that anxiety that's building up inside. How have we become so delusional and destructive? It really is a tragedy.
Funny to see this today - I played a bit of Diablo 4 a while ago, but only got around to uninstalling it today.
I've bought so many games over the years chasing the way modded Diablo 2 made me feel (for the first hundred hours). Subjecting myself to boring campaigns in various ARPGs with the hope that the endgame might be satisfying. Even while recognising that I had stopped enjoyed myself with Diablo 2 either.
I probably bought more games when that sense of pointlessness was the highest, thinking I could outrun that feeling.
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8 hours ago, FDRx7 said:
She also told me that while it's good I am focused on fixing things, I should take time to celebrate where I've been. That's a good idea. While I do write on here about progress, I should take a good look at those 5 stars and the data. I'm really happy with the way things are trending. The average is starting to flatten out, and the moving average has broken the 4 stars line (today's MA is 4.137). The bad habits are consistently waning, and the good ones are slowly taking their places. Bedtime has been a struggle since about March, and now I feel it's finally moving in the right direction. Even my eating habits have been poor but are now starting to correct themselves. I passed the 45-day mark for no alcohol and am nearing a similar one for YouTube. Overall, I have made so much progress in just 23 days. She's right, it's good to celebrate this. It energizes me and gets me excited about the possibilities awaiting me throughout the rest of this 90-day journey. And why stop at 90 days? Progress and improvement do not need to end there. Indeed, the goal is sustained, progressive change. I believe in that future and am excited to watch my transformation on the way there.
You've been doing brilliantly! I think when you add new habits in, it's easy to focus on your struggles with those, rather than the more consistent adherence to older habits.
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8 hours ago, FDRx7 said:
If you still are interested in it, try some of the different genres and low/medium/high effect ones. Not all songs work for me. I do better with the electronic, post rock, and lofi ones. Ambient and drone, while quieter, don't work as well for me.
Great work though on writing! I've been following and it seems like your energy and productivity are ramping up. Keep at it, I think it will only get better for you. 🙂
Thanks! Yeah, I've mostly only used the low-effect ones because I usually live without music (I'm not one for listening to music while running or out and about, I mostly only listen to music when someone else puts it on). I'm liking the cinematic and post rock settings so far.
59 minutes ago, Ikar said:It's been four years since I quit and I don't think I've experienced what you're describing as often as when I gamed. Regardless, an emotional high of immersion for, well... having a normal life is a tradeoff I'll gladly make.
True! Any mild pros of gaming don't really outweigh the cons.
Today
I didn't game today! And I've eaten breakfast and lunch, and might eat a very late dinner.
I realised that yesterday I passed the 20k mark for my novel!
I went for a mini-jog today with a housemate. I've been feeling really grateful for my friends and the straight-forwardness of all of my friendships (having heard about friendship drama elsewhere...). I also love the feeling of being there for a friend - listening, asking the right questions, being a sounding board for issues they've run into. Some of my friends are particularly good at pointing out my good qualities and showing appreciation. That positive feeling also helps me show appreciation, whereas in the past I'd just appreciate them in my head. I haven't had many terrible friendships in the past, but the ones I have now just feel particularly...symbiotic? We all encourage growth and thoughtfulness in each other.
I made a few small writing notes today, but otherwise most of my day was spent bumbling about on the internet. It felt like good down-time though - the content I came across wasn't utterly mindless.
Also: I've been talking about potentially doing some RP with a few friends! I've done a tiny bit of TTRPGs in the past, but I've never done any pure RP. I'm hoping it will help ease some of the writing angst that crops up sometimes. It could also potentially spark the same immersion feelings as gaming does. And... could potentially bring about similar issues as well. We'll see.
Tomorrow
Part of the reason I didn't do any writing today was that I had wanted to write the next (big) scene all in one go, but didn't want to spend as much time writing today. I ought to let go of the idea of "having" to do it in one go - plenty of times I've stopped writing mid-sentence and still managed to pick it up fine the next day, or week. I do also have a small connecting bit I need to write before the big scene - I'd like to get that done tomorrow at least (probably not even 500 words).
I feel like I ought to get out of the house and just exist in a different environment. In the past month I've barely left the house except to jog. There's a nice cafe in town that I could sit in and do some writing, or RP worldbuilding.
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Thriving - A Journal
in Daily Journals
Posted · Edited by Vee
To clarify, I don't think I can moderate (though I always wish I could...). It's more that if I'm putting visible restrictions on myself, e.g. using a blocker, then some part of me wants to rebel, moreso than if I merely uninstall Steam and do just try to use willpower. I'm not really sure how to describe it, to be honest. It isn't logical.
...Anyway, I've continued to game for the last month. I don't feel capable of quitting right now, because I feel too apathetic about everything. At the moment, gaming is the main thing that gets me out of bed, and while that's obviously rubbish, if I quit gaming I don't feel like I've got anything else to get up for. Sometimes even gaming hasn't been enough, and I've spent most of a day just lying in bed daydreaming. Most of my other attempts at hobbies and routines have fallen to the wayside. I've semi kept up with my journalling, I think that's the only thing.
I've done quite a bit of socialising over the last month, though. I hadn't seen or spoken to my sister in 13 years (we have never been on bad terms, but our family is complicated), and in December I initiated a reunion. It was good! I have so many worries about what she would be like, but it was perfectly pleasant, and we've exchanged a couple of texts since. I also saw my Nana last weekend (again, initiated by me) who I haven't spoken to in 5 years or so. It was awkward, but she seemed to really appreciate it. Done various other bits of socialising, and I haven't chosen to game over doing social stuff, so that's something.
I've also signed up for a data analyst course that begins in February. I'm not sure how useful it will be, but it will at least give me a bit of structure, and with any luck will lead to job opportunities.
Right now I guess I need to pull myself out of my apathy a bit so I can recommit to not gaming. I know gaming itself contributes to my apathy, but despite the occasional socialising, I've been in such a haze the last month that if it's a choice between lying in bed all day vs gaming all day, I think the latter is a better choice.
EDIT: I have three main games I've been addicted to recently. I've now logged out from the browser-based one (I don't remember my password, so there would be friction getting back into it) and deleted the non-Steam one. I've also uninstalled most of the Steam games I had installed over the last month, but I've kept the one I'm addicted to, for now. Will think about uninstalling Steam, but not committing to that today.
I'm recommitting to using TickTick daily (task and habit tracker). The silly reason I haven't really used it recently is because I haven't been using my second monitor (where I used to have it up 90% of the time), so I simply forget it exists. I'm also changing various bits in it that will help remind me of alternatives to gaming and encourage me to use it more.