DanielG

Thank you for the kind reassurance 😊. Some of the recipes are based on food I made while I was working in the restaurant industry, some are from my mom and dad, some are just Google'd. There's a couple cookbooks my mom has kicking around I might dust off now that I'm getting back into it. There's one I bought her for mother's day a few years back from our local fancy bakery that might be fun to try out. It is definitely one of those skills that you hone over time, figure out what tastes good together, what doesn't. Some cooks are really precise, use measuring spoons/cups for everything. Others kind of go by feel. I definitely lean into the 'feel', kind of wing it/eyeball a lot of stuff. So it's hard to pass along some of the cooking I do. It can definitely be daunting at first. And, in my opinion, as long as it tastes good, there's nothing wrong with basic or traditional dishes.

Welcome Josh! I'm still new to quitting games (1 month today), but if you're looking for someone to talk to feel free to message me.

It was a busy day today, in a good way! 😊 I had ambitions to scan the farmer's market for some mushrooms, grab some coffee from Iconoclast, pick up the book that the pretty lady recommended, go to my AA homegroup, go to a free yoga class, go to play soccer, and have my weekly meeting with Cam. This morning I did not sleep in as much as usual! I got up at around 9-9:30. I had my usual morning coffee, and spent some time chatting on Discord with my younger brother. He has been writing backstories to various art commissions he's had done (an expensive habit for sure), giving them to ChatGPT and asking it to write out hypothetical scenarios. The stories it comes up with are actually quite gooddd. He's also excited because his longtime friend from high school is going to be moving in with him soon. After the call, I grabbed my yoga gear and headed out for the day. The first stop I made was at the bookstore. I went straight for the book and brought it to the counter. The lady, also pretty but not the one from before, gave me two stamps instead of one on my stamp card, which was nice. The farmer's market I wanted to check out is conveniently a few blocks away from the bookstore, and on the way to Iconoclast (it's almost like I planned it) so I went there next. Unfortunately it seems the mushroom people aren't participating in the market this year. I'll keep an eye out for them in case they make a late appearance. Leaving the market, I ran into Michael's roommate randomly and said hi in passing. He didn't recognize me, haha! Which is alright, we only met the one time. After the quick encounter, I made it to the coffee shop. It was earlier in the day so it was much busier than yesterday. Still, the same barista was there and she was still pleasant. She seemed to remember me, and I talked to her a little bit after I made my order. She pointed me in the direction of their coffee roasting equipment, which I checked out before sitting down. It was neat. I parked in the corner of the shop and read some of the book; it made a good first impression. I get the sense it will be an enriching read. I also people watched a bit, which was fun. Caffeinated and ready to walk! I headed back up the street to the Alano Club, where my homegroup is at. I met friendly faces and received a warm welcome. One of the members who sometimes can't make it due to health issues was there again, which was good to see 😊. He's probably the reason why I gravitated toward the meeting initially. A genuinely friendly, warm, loving kind of guy. He was chairing the meeting. The meeting itself went well I feel. Lots of relatable shares, with strong messages of hope and strength. I was one of the people asked to share. I felt present and grounded when I went up to speak. The words seemed to come up naturally, which I usually attribute to being connected to my heart. After the meeting, we had a quick discussion about who might be taking over a service position in the group. One of the ladies who's been doing a lot better this year put herself forward to volunteer, which the group accepted. It's cool to see her growth. I was also offered a chance to fill a vacant position that serves as backup for the other one, and I accepted. It won't take place officially until December, but I'd still be able to shadow the person holding the main service position to see what mine would entail. Hot yoga! Because it's pride month, this weekend at the yoga studio I frequent the classes were free. The class that fit into my day's schedule was a Hatha/Flow class. This means, at least at the studio I go to, that it was a more active class, the kind that kicks your ass 😅. The class itself went well. I listened to my body and took breaks when appropriate. It felt pretty good to move like that, even if I didn't keep up with everything. I was also acutely aware that I was going to play soccer after, so I didn't want to go overboard. Even though I paced myself, it still took a lot out of me. Suffice it to say, I was glad when we lied down for savasana (corpse pose) 🙃. I didn't bother to change out of the workout gear, I just grabbed my things from the change room. After a quick, friendly chat with the instructor, I went on my merry way. I came back home to meet up with my mom for a ride to soccer. My friend Michael wasn't there when I arrived, but I sort of found the people we were going to play with. The impression I got is that it's a public pick-me-up game with a small entry fee. There were lots of Spanish-speaking players, which was cool. The fellow who ended up playing goalkeeper for the opposing team, Alex, was quite friendly and put in a lot of work. That isn't to say he was an exception; everyone was encouraging and friendly. Michael showed up not too much later than I did, and we ended up playing on opposing teams. I gave it my all, and I think I did okay for the most part, especially considering it's been nearly two decades since I played outdoor soccer. I feel like the stamina I've built up over the past month definitely helped me. There were a couple plays that I made where the enemy team ended up with the ball, and I was completely gassed by the end of each half. However, I did stop one potentially dangerous situation, though it took a lot of stamina. I launched myself sideways hard enough to lose my footing, so I ended up rolling on my shoulder to recover and still managed to stop the play, which felt good. Michael scored a few times. When we played on the same team growing up, he was good at soccer, so I was not surprised. It was pretty fun! I'm hoping my schedule allows me to participate every week. After soccer, Michael and his wife invited me out for dinner. We went to the Original Joe's that's close to my mom's place. It was good to share a meal with my old friend and catch up in a more intimate setting. The conversation itself felt natural and the 'depth' of it was gratifying. We talked about things you'd hold closer to your heart and not share with people you didn't trust/know well. We ordered calamari and chicken gyoza to start, which was delicious. For my main, I went with what I usually order from OJ's: the Kona burger. Pineapple on a burger works surprisingly well! It was also really good, like it usually is. I tried to be cognisant of my portion size, so I ended up saving half the burger and sweet potato fries for later. I finished the Caesar salad though. That's one of the cool parts about OJ's: two sides! It was a good time, and they gave me a ride back home. I was late to my meeting with Cam because of dinner. The meeting itself was good, I feel. A lot of positive reinforcement, and more action planned moving forward. 2 hours a day committed to, loosely, productivity work. Cam said he thinks I'm in a good place to handle it. It does seem reasonable and doable. I had a shower after the meeting, my mom made me tea, and now I'm here. A longer journal today. I sometimes don't like using 'blessed' to convey the appreciation I have for my life, because it gives me real strong "live, laugh, love" vibes. Overdone and perhaps not said sincerely. I do feel like a day like today warrants it, though. Lots of blessings in my life. And maybe more to come, so long as I'm keeping an eye for them. I want to come up with some profound shit to leave here, but nothing comes to mind. Which is okay. I'm trying to do this for myself, but as I've said before, this thing's on a public forum. Part of what I'm writing is for you 😊. If you've stuck around this long, thanks for reading! Hopefully something resonated, you related, or you just kinda chilled out for a bit. One Thing That Went Well Today: I didn't pass out during hot yoga 😅 Gratitude: I am grateful for my body. Even though it's starting to show its age a bit, it still serves me well, especially now that I'm being more mindful to take care of it. I am grateful for my homegroup. It is good to have a place where we can share our experience, strength, and hope. And have a sense of community. I am grateful for cold, clean drinking water. That's right, four times! The sensation sweeping the nation: Hydration! Only reason why I made it through the soccer game.

Thanks! 😊

Another day. It was a peaceful one 😊. I slept in a lot, until 2 pm. I had my morning coffee and chatted on Discord for a while, then went on a walk. I stopped by the book store, had a coffee at the coffee shop, and sat in the park for a while. While in the book store, I asked the pretty lady who worked at the book store for a recommendation. Part of my motivation was making an excuse to talk to her, for sure. I had my doubts that she'd want to be accosted while working, though I still wanted to get to know her better. My brain sometimes puts the thought in my head that I don't have much to offer at this point in my life, especially in terms of being a romantic partner/interest. That definitely happened in this instance, and I froze up a bit, and got self-conscious. The insecurity and fear won out, which is okay. Sometimes they get to have their day, I'm not perfect. I think by exposing myself to more of these kinds of situations, I'll get better at "leaning back" from the fear and insecurities. One thing I would have liked to have had the courage to do was to explain that to her. "Hey, I can get nervous around pretty women like yourself, so to work on that I'd like to try talking to you if you're willing." I think most well-adjusted people would appreciate the candidness. The book she recommended was a different Michael Singer, a newer one called Living Untethered: Beyond the Human Predicament. I'll probably pick it up tomorrow if I have time. I went to Iconoclast for the coffee, again. It was still really good coffee. There was another attractive lady barista who made my coffee. It felt like my interactions with her were more natural, she seemed genuinely pleased when I thanked her for the coffee and praised its quality. In this case, the fear and insecurity was quieter. Maybe because it had already manifested earlier, maybe because I let it go this time instead of getting caught up in it. Whatever the case, it was still more practice at actually talking to people which is good. Poor service people, being forced to talking to me because of their job 😂. The park was quite busy. I still felt grounded and enjoyed the trees moving in the breeze, the sound of the water, the ducks swimming along. Occasionally I'd people watch. There were a couple kids playing next to the water who seemed to be having a good time 😊. When I got home, I helped with supper a bit. We had chicken souvlaki, Greek salad, rice, and fried kale. It was pretty good! After dinner I went for a bike ride. I rode about 20km or so in about an hour. It was pretty fun. After that I came home, chatted with someone on Discord for a while, and then went for another walk. After the walk, I'm here writing the journal out. One Thing That Went Well Today: I put in an hour on the bike which was nice! Gratitude: I am grateful for my sleep. I am glad I don't have problems falling/staying asleep these days. I am grateful for bananas. They're pretty tasty and healthy. I am grateful for the shower in the basement. It's quite spacious and nice.

Big social day today. After writing the other journal entry, I went for a half-walk with the dog before getting picked up by a friend for brunch. On the half walk we ran into a couple fallen branches. Luckily they didn't damage anything. But yeah, brunch! We went to a pretty fancy spot that has really tasty breakfast. I opted for the breakfast poutine, some slow-roasted pork, a couple of poached eggs, and hollandaise sauce on top of herb potatoes and arugula. It was delicious. We also ordered some deep fried perogies to share which were also quite good. We picked up some delicious, massive cookies after as well. After that we headed to my friend's place to hang out. We watched a couple of movies with the kids, and then had some fried chicken for dinner. We ate a lot of delicious food today! After that we watched a bunch of anime. I'm pretty bagged, so I'm keeping this pretty short. It was a fun day. One Thing That Went Well Today: Lots of socializing, which was nice. Gratitude: I am grateful for my morning routine. I like how relaxed it is, and how it sets me up for the day. I am grateful for physical affection. Hugs feel good :). I am grateful for patience. It definitely helps with kids!

Yesterday's journal in the morning, because I was tired and just went to bed again. I had my usual morning routine, coffee and some reading. I also looked up a couple recipes for dinner: watermelon + feta salad and kale + apple salad. After that, I went for a walk, then a bike ride. I had my Healthy Gamer Coaching session in the afternoon. We mostly talked about romantic relationships and expectations. I had suggested it as a topic because one of the members of the group was planning on asking out someone from his dance classes. I could relate to him in the sense that he hadn't tried before out of fear of rejection and failure. After coaching, my mom and I went on a grocery shopping trip to pick up ingredients for the salads and some potatoes for french fries. Costco for some produce (and hot dogs + buns for the kid coming to dinner), Home Depot for some fresh herb plants, and the farmer's market to pick up more veggies and some apples. It left me ample time to prepare stuff, so I wasn't rushed chopping up all the ingredients and preparing the steaks. We had both my brothers over, my older brother's girlfriend and her kid, and one of my friends. My mom picked up more steak to accommodate the extra people. It turned out pretty good! The Denver cut (similar to a ribeye) was the most popular/best flavour and texture, so if we end up going for steaks for the party, that's what I'll order from the Butchery. The fries were pretty flavourful as well, not quite as crispy as I would have liked but that's just because I took too long to 'blanch' them, so they didn't have enough time to sit/cool down. I don't think I'll do fries for the dinner; the deep fryer is too small for the volume we'd need. The Kale + Apple salad was also quite popular. It had roasted pecans, cranberries, thinly sliced radishes, and a nice vinaigrette dressing. Once people left, I just went to pass out, lol. I might be going to play football (soccer) with Michael on Sunday. I felt pretty peaceful throughout the day. People were hungry/I forgot, so there aren't any pictures of the finished product. Just some of the process while I was cooking. One Thing That Went Well Today: The dinner turned out delicious, everyone liked it! Gratitude: I am grateful for my coaching group. They're a good bunch of people. I am grateful for running water. Like, fountains and rivers, that kind of thing. The sound is really peaceful to me. I am grateful for online recipes. It's helpful to have guidance from randos on the internet.

Also, how's the no video games thing going? It's been a while since you've checked in. 😊

This is only a suggestion. It sounds pretty crazy, especially if you hold a lot of resentment, anger in your heart, but pray for them. Pray for their happiness, success, and well-being. Wish that they receive all the things you'd like in your own life. This is the suggestion that gets passed around a lot in a community I'm part of, and it works a trick. It is simple, but not easy to do. ... and after a quick Google search, I found the relevant passage in the literature. Neat. AA Big Book, Freedom from Bondage, p. 552 ‘If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free…Even when you don’t really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.’ And, like a lot of things, compassion is a muscle you can work. In every day situations, taking the time to consider what the other person's experience is. How their day's going, how they're feeling, where they've come from. Expressing that in conversation, or offering to do something nice for someone. Even if they don't take up your offer, it's still practice. As a bit of unsolicited wisdom/advice, resentments can serve as good ways of finding out where your blind spots are. Recognizing why you view someone as 'inferior', or finding out why you labelled them 'obnoxious', will help you understand what parts of you are threatened and what ways you're trying to protect them. Maybe your self-confidence is low, so you feel like putting people 'beneath' you will help with that. Maybe there's a glaring thing that the obnoxious person does that is something you don't like about your own personality, or something that reminds you of used to do that you still hold embarrassment about. People often say that if there's something really bugging you about someone, chances are it's because it's reflecting some part of yourself you don't like. I am by no means an expert on you, nor can I tell you to really do anything. For all I know, it could just be these people are annoying and that's all there is to it. These are just suggestions and thoughts that I am passing along. An invitation to reflect on why it is these things are bothering you.

I continue to sleep in. I went to bed pretty early yesterday and still ended up sleeping until like 11:30. I woke up with a sore neck and back. That didn't stop me from preparing my morning coffee and reading, though. After the usual routine, I went for a walk to loosen up my back. I visited Paul Kane Park, which has a nice water feature where some ducks and Canadian Geese usually hang out. I ended up spending more time in the nearby church's public gardens, though. It felt appropriate to pray and meditate there, so I did. I grew up Catholic, but I would say I don't really follow a specific religion these days. I get a daily reprieve from my alcoholism contingent on my spiritual condition, it doesn't really matter the specifics so long as I live and pursue spirituality. After that, I walked over to another coffee shop, Iconoclast Coffee Roasters. They had an excellent Americano as well, definitely giving Credo a run for their money. I'm fairly certain the cashier lady was Ukrainian; she had an accent and spoke slowly and methodically, as though she were speaking a language she was still learning. That isn't to say she was difficult to understand or did not provide good service, it was just something I noticed. She was also quite pretty, haha! She said they roast their beans in-house, which is pretty cool! I might pick some up when I run low on coffee. It was a relaxed vibe in the cafe, and I definitely felt pretty relaxed and comfortable just having my coffee, occasionally jotting some notes on my phone about the upcoming dinner. There's a pretty fantastic bakery in the same complex, the Brio Bakery. I popped in there just to see what they had, I didn't really intend to buy anything. I called my mom to see if she wanted anything. because it's been one of her favourite spots. She said if they had any croissants left to get some. They did, so I picked up three, one for each of us at home. The cashier lady was pretty friendly and pretty too. When I got home, we made sandwiches out of the croissants that tasted pretty amazing. I opted for a BLT, except instead of tomato I used kimchi. It was still tasty, in my opinion. The bacon from the Butchery was pretty dang good. Beautiful colouring on it, and quite flavourful. After our late lunch, my mom asked me to go through a bunch of stuff in the bedroom upstairs to see what could go to charity, what could be trash, and what to keep. Most of it was my younger brother's. I made a phone call to the dentist to set up an appointment for my fillings and sent a text to my old head chef to see if he had any suggestions/ideas for the upcoming dinner. He sent me a lot of good suggestions, which are now added to the notes. I spent a little bit of time chatting on Discord with some friends after that, then it was about time to make dinner. I opted to take over dinner duties. I made a marinade for a couple chicken breasts using olive oil, garlic powder, soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce, red wine vinegar, and the Chicken + Rib rub spice blend. For vegetables, I fried up the last of the carrots, some peppers, and red onion, hit 'em with a bunch of the fancy honey I bought from the farmer's market, and some smoked paprika. The potatoes I did the same as before, with butter, garlic, and dill. And my mom and her boyfriend made a salad to go with everything. It turned out delicious! Team effort. It makes me glad that I can contribute to the household in some meaningful way. After dinner, I went to a yoga class. Hatha and yin, so strong poses and stretching poses. It was a smaller class tonight, I think people decided not to go because of the heat. Still, it felt good. Rejuvenating. I'm happy when I make time to practice connecting with my mind, body, and heart. I spent a bit of time listening to the conversation after class; I didn't really have a chance to speak up/interject, which was okay. That's how it goes sometimes. One of the instructor's dogs might have cancer, which is pretty sad. She said she had already lost a dog a couple years ago, so it's still a bit fresh in her mind. My heart goes out to her for sure. One Thing That Went Well Today: Yoga felt peaceful today. I feel like I was able to focus for most of the class, and successfully drew my attention back to my breath when my mind would wander. Gratitude: I am grateful for this journal. It gives me a set time to reflect on my day and gets me to think about the many gifts I have and can give in life. I am grateful for cold drinking water. THIRD TIME BABY, it's still on here because boy howdy does it feel refreshing after hot yoga. I am grateful for the back roller my dad gave me. It really helps when I get a tight/sore back.

More of a relaxed day today. I didn't really have anything planned, so I relaxed for a lot of the day, even had a nap. I think I was tired from the bike ride and improv yesterday. I had my usual morning coffee + reading, and then I went for a walk and picked up a fresh loaf of bread to contribute to breakfast. We had potato wedges, soft-boiled eggs, back bacon, salad, and of course the bread. It was pretty good! After that, my mom and I went to a butcher shop that she had a gift certificate to. We spent some time talking to the butcher about what kind of cuts of meat would be good for the party, and how much advance notice they would need for a big order. They'd need a week notice, and we bought two different kinds of cuts to try, the Denver and the Flatiron. When we go home, I spent some time chatting about bachelor/bachelorette party stuff with some of hte coordinators on Discord. I watched a couple episodes of anime and then had a nap. It went longer than I'd have liked, so we ended up not trying the steaks and had chicken nuggets instead for dinner. The meat should keep for a few days, so we'll be able to try them tomorrow and Thursday, probably. Thursday I'll probably try more side dishes out at the same time. After dinner, my mom and I went on a bike ride to scout out some places to get clay. We found a couple promising spots. We also went for ice cream! I had a double scoop, Dark Cherry Lemon Curd and Hot Honey Haskap. Quite delicious! And now I'm here. One Thing That Went Well Today: I was able to listen to my body and take it easy today. Gratitude: I am grateful for my bed. It's comfy! I am grateful for lofi. It's chill music. I am grateful for sunscreen. Sunburns suck.

Today was another good day. I'm enjoying this pink cloud 😉. I had a meeting with the lawyer my dad hired to help me with the pardon/record suspension. I gave him all the documents I've collected, now I have to fill out one last form (which he'll rewrite into lawyer-speak) and I'll be able to ship the whole lot off as my application for the pardon. It's good to get that done, I've made it into a 3 year process through my procrastination. It's kind of wild, the last time I talked to the lawyer I hadn't even gone to NAIT yet. After that, I decided to take an adventure bike ride. I followed along the river valley again, this time down south. I hadn't really gone down those paths before, so it was interesting. There was a bit that ran alongside some horse pastures! It reminded me of my time in treatment when we went to animal therapy. There was a ranch not far from the treatment center, on Vancouver Island, where they had specifically trained therapy animals that you could spend time with. It was a healing experience for sure. Nala was the horse that I got to spend time with. She was rescued from being put down by the center; allegedly she had been aggressive with the previous owner, but she had never been aggressive with any of the staff. And she was most definitely a kind and gentle soul from the time I spent with her. Lots of pats and cuddles 😊. But yeah, bike ride! Since I was already about halfway there, I made my way to the west end of the city. I decided to go for a quick pit stop at my dad's place. I gave him a call beforehand but he's away in Radium Hot Springs until Wednesday, so no one was home. He said I could stop in anyway. I helped myself to a 'natural' energy drink my brother hates and told me I could drink up and enjoyed the sunny day in the backyard for a bit. I had sent out a text in a group chat that I have with some of my friends to see if anyone is around, and two of them were just hanging out at the house we usually go to. So, I made my way over. It was pretty chill. They're still pretty big gamers, so they were watching some Satisfactory videos. No cravings or urges to game from watching that, though. My cousin, who is one of my friend's wife, eventually came back from her nail appointment to hang out as well. When it comes to my own stuff, I'm usually pretty open, but I think I'll try to keep some of the other stuff private. Basically, there was a talk and I felt my cousin was getting a lot of problem-solving from my friends, not necessarily having her experience be validated or really being heard. I voiced this concern, and I think she appreciated it. She gave me a nice compliment later on during the conversation. What I heard from her analogy/words was that I was a good listener, that she noticed I make an effort to validate people's experiences and that I try to provide poignant feedback with gentleness. She started the analogy off by comparing me to people in a vegetative state that she sometimes spends time with as a nurse, lol. I hustled back after the visit using a slightly different route because of construction. I made good time, which allowed me to have a quick shower and some dinner before heading off to the improv workshop. It was a blast! Everyone was friendly, present, engaged and fun to spend time with. We went through a few different exercises, and we had a good energy about us. I was present throughout, except maybe near the end when we shared about our experience of the class, I felt I got in my head a bit. Oh well! We're on, same time next week! One Thing That Went Well Today: I had a lot of energy for improv despite biking around a lot today, which was cool! Gratitude: I am grateful for AA. It's not perfect, but I think it's quite unique that it's only aim as an organization is to help other alcoholics to get sober. I am grateful for the moments when I am present. I am grateful for the Serenity Prayer. It's beautiful.

Today was a good day. I got a full night's rest in, so I got up a bit late, but it was still early enough to have my morning coffee and write out a journal entry. It was kind of nice, spending some time reflecting before heading out to my AA homegroup. It's walking distance from my mom's house, which is convenient and also served as a way of beating myself up over not going for a few months. There were quite a few shares that resonated with me, and I was also asked to share. It felt like most of what I was saying came from the heart, not the head as much. Definitely grateful to have a space where I can open up, and do my best to share my experience, strength, and hope. I did notice that the vulnerable/raw/exposed feeling came up for me when I sat back down from the podium (not all meetings are set up like this, ours is just old school lol), and it went away fairly quickly after I acknowledged it. I also noticed that my mind went to a place of 'I hope people could relate to what I shared, I hope it was good' for a while. These things aren't new, and I think they come from my attachment to the 'outcome' of when I share. I still need to work on letting expectations of outcomes go. After that, I took the dog for a walk. He bee-lined it for some people on the walk to get pets, and of course they obliged. The people asked me to take a picture of them, and I took a few, though Fidel forced himself into the picture because he still wanted pets 😄. It was a nice interaction. It's easy to forget that he's 15 years old by the way he acts a lot of the time. He's pretty deaf now though, so that kind of gives it away. I took the e-bike out for another ride. Pretty similar to the one yesterday, up and down the River Valley, just went in the reverse direction for my loop. I forgot to charge it so I was mostly manually pedaling, and saved the last of the battery for the hills and the climb out. It was a near thing, I ran out of battery right at the precipice of the climb out, pretty lucky! After that I just hung around the house. Meditated for a bit, did a bit of yoga. Putzed around on the computer, chatting on Discord. We ended up having leftovers and hot dogs for dinner, which was still pretty good. I had my meeting with Cam in the evening, and I felt it went well. I'm going to be making a more concerted effort at reaching out to people, at least one person a week. Taking the initiative. I had tea with my mom and her boyfriend, and now I'm finishing up this journal. I felt pretty thankful today. Usually do on days I go to AA meetings. There was a guy in the AA Discord chat I go to sometimes who was quoting the Big Book at me after I shared a bit about how my day was going, and how I felt thankful for what I had. Felt kinda weird. So, took his input. Looked at what he quoted. I guess it might've been a dig at me, saying that I should've been doing more service work? Get your head out of the clouds? I'm still slightly confused as to what he was on about. I hope he was well-intended, and maybe it'll come to me later what he was trying to say. Maybe he was just a cranky boy, IDK. I'm likely giving this more brainpower than it deserves, so I'll leave it at that. One Thing That Went Well Today: The battery held out for the bike ride! Gratitude: I am grateful for my social safety net. I am blessed to have opportunities to just work on myself like this. I am grateful for my friend, Michael. He's a good dude. I am grateful for my ability to think critically with an open mind. A willingness to try things on, see if they fit, and discard them if it's not true.

Writing yesterday's journal today. I came home late and was tired. I had my morning coffee as usual, and spent some time on the computer chatting with some folks. I was mostly working on the menu for the upcoming bachelor/bachelorette party in three weeks. I've got a better idea of what I'd like to do, it's now more about narrowing down the options, maybe trying a few more of the dishes. I'm feeling slightly nervous at this point, though I have some idea of what I can do beforehand to make the day I have to cook everything easier. I also went on a walk, an hour-long bike ride, and made dinner again (chicken fajitas, using roti as the wrap instead of tortillas). It was fairly relaxing during the day. Last night, I went out to karaoke with my elementary school best friend, Michael. We very occasionally get together over the years, and he reached out to me about getting together a couple weeks ago but I was busy. So, I took the initiative to see what he was up to this week, and voila, we ended up hanging out. It was pretty fun! Lots of singing, some on-key, some off-key 😅, all fun though! The staff seemed eager to kick us out at the end, I think it's because we were pretty rowdy lol. We hung out a bit at his house afterwards. He's a big car enthusiast, so he has like 4 different cars, and everyone who came to hang out after also had some cool-looking cars. I gave Michael a couple big hugs throughout the night. He's a good guy. The plan is to get together more often. After I got home I had a late night second-dinner (bad! I was pretty hungry) and then went to bed. One Thing That Went Well Today: Dinner turned out pretty good (for the third time, lol). And singing karaoke was a hoot. Gratitude: I am grateful for cold drinking water. I think I've said this one before, but I'll say it again, very refreshing. Especially on a hot day like today. I am grateful for honesty. It's an important quality that lets me see things as they truly are. I am grateful for the sense of purpose I have today. The morning reading talked about our objective, as recovering alcoholics, to strive towards the ideal, our Higher Power. I think part of that might touch on my perfectionism, which I need to be cautious of. Put in the work without being attached to the outcome.

I slept in again! It's almost a habit now, lol. I still had a pretty good day, I feel. Coffee and reading on the deck, then off for a walk to the coffee shop to read again. The coffee was still quite delicious at Credo. The barista wasn't friendly or anything, though. He was sick, I think he was having a bad day. But yeah, the Bhagavad Gita continues to be an enriching thing to engage with. After coffee, I went to visit the bookstore a little ways down, Ascendant Books. They had a reader there that I spoke with briefly. I asked her a bit about how she came into her profession. From a young age, she feels like she was a spiritual medium, able to see spirits and garner insight from tarot cards. She seemed pretty genuine to me, I tried to approach with an open mind. Sometimes I worry about frauds and other malicious actors preying on people who are vulnerable, but I didn't get the sense that she had that kind of energy, I guess. She gave me her card and a 'mini-fortune', a little tab that said 'Forgiveness - let there be peace.'. She assured me it was for me. On the way back home, I reflected on what that might mean. My therapist had recently told me that she did not sense resentment when I spoke about the thing that had caused the most resentment in my life for a long time. So, I thought not much of it. When I came back home, my mom's best friend was visiting in the backyard. She herself has been going through some troubling times with her husband. It kind of clicked for me that perhaps it was meant for her to hear the message, not me, so I brought it up in conversation and showed them the fortune. To the medium's credit, it did seem to elicit an emotional response in her. We ended up talking a decent amount about spiritual principles, like forgiveness and joy. It was an enjoyable and meaningful conversation, I feel. She gave me a big hug when she left, and was thrilled that I had recently reached 7 years sober. ('Where did the time go?!' she said, lol). One day at a time. After that, I took the dog for a walk. When we got back I was getting pretty hungry, so I decided to take over dinner duties. My mom had already pulled out some homemade hamburger patties to de-thaw, so I just went with that. We also had some bacon we needed to use up. So, bacon cheeseburgers! The picture I took isn't good, so I won't include it lol. Caramelized onions and mushrooms too. They turned out tasty. For sides, my mom and her boyfriend made a caesar salad to accompany some of the leftovers from yesterday. A delicious meal, and a team effort! After that, I've been putzing around on the computer, chatting with people on Discord, listening to music. Writing stuff. One Thing That Went Well Today: Dinner turned out pretty good (again, lol). Gratitude: I am grateful for my keyboard. It clickity clacks and lets me spew out my random thoughts much faster than writing by hand. I am grateful for the Game Quitters community. It's nice to read the daily journals from other members. I am grateful for Brezelhaus. They have delicious pretzels!

Wow those pictures turned out massive lmao, sorry gang!

Feeling tired early, so I'm starting the journal a little earlier than normal. I slept in again today. I'm not beating myself up over it, just good to be aware of it. My Health Gamer Coaching session got cancelled last minute because the coach was feeling ill. I hope she gets better soon. I think the plan might be to extend sessions so we all finish together as a group. We'll see how it plays out. I shared a bit of my experience with 12 Step/AA in the Discord server we have for the group. One of the members is always highly encouraging and complimenting me on my speaking/writing skills, lol. I appreciate that, it's definitely less uncomfortable than it used to be, taking compliments. It's still a work in progress, though. Another one of the group members opened up a bit about one of his struggles as well, which was cool to see. It's a pretty big deal because he has a lot of shame and guilt associated with this particular issue, so I'm happy and proud of him sharing about it 😊. He cited my recent good streak as inspiration to himself, which made me feel good too. I often wondered what effect I had on the group, especially when I was more on the struggling side of things (still playing video games). I took the dog on a walk after that. It was a pleasant experience. Fidel's a pretty good walker these days. He's 15 years old now, getting to be an old boy. After that, I tried to help move/place a couple of big rocks my mom wanted for landscaping. Operative word "try", lol. I felt a bit useless, didn't really know what to do/how to help. But I showed up, at least. More than I would have done if I was still playing games. Thursday there's a farmer's market down the street, so I decided to go buy some fresh produce for dinner. Feed the fam and test out dishes for the bachelor/bachelorette party. I also went to the regular grocery store to pick up some bocconcini, basil (only had a paste), and some pork chops. Tested out the 3rd spice blend, the Chicago one, and used the BBQ Belt one as well. Beets and carrots with Italian seasoning and honey drizzle as veggies, garlic dill potatoes for starch (my mom still warmed up some leftover rice because she loves rice, lol), cherry tomato Caprese salad with the fancy olive oil and balsamic reduction, and the pork chops done with the spice blends. I'm going to do the beets and carrots a bit differently next time, more time in the oven less time boiling, and they could've used more honey, but other than that it turned out pretty tasty! I did most of the dishes too to help out, since I used a decent amount of them 😅. Oh, and I pulled the trigger on the improv classes! They start on Monday. It should be an interesting experience 😄. Took another walk after dinner and now I'm here. One Thing That Went Well Today: Dinner turned out pretty good. Gratitude: I am grateful for the fresh smell of rain. It is invigorating. I am grateful for my Healthy Gamer Coaching group. They're a solid group of people. I am grateful for my health. I get to enjoy a lot of different stuff without too many barriers.

I slept in today 😅. I didn't go to bed late, either. I guess I just needed the sleep. I spent some of the morning reading, some of the Bhagavad Gita and some of Atlas of the Heart. Some of what stuck out to me was this idea of paradox, being able to feel two potentially conflicting emotions at the same time. I'm not sure I'm at the level of awareness to identify that yet, but I am hopeful. In the afternoon, I had an appointment with my addictions counselor, Harsharan. It was a shared appointment with my mom and I. My mom ended up talking about some of her trauma around her now defunct marriage with my dad. I inherited some of my fun bits from him: bipolar disorder and alcoholism 🙃. I'm glad she had the opportunity to talk about what happened to her in a therapeutic setting. She seems to be doing better since I've stopped playing video games. I also got a chance to speak about how I've been. It's been pretty good, so that's what I told her. I've noticed I'm getting more aware of emotions coming up, like when I'm looking at something beautiful in nature, or if there's some sort of event/story that moves me. I'm not at the point where I feel confident labeling/identifying what's going on, which is something I think would be helpful, but I imagine that will come in time. One thing that struck a chord was when I was talking about my own childhood, and Harsharan mentioned that she didn't detect any hint of resentment or anger about it. That's pretty amazing for me, I feel. I did qualify that sometimes it feels like my resentment with my dad can resurface at times, but by and large, I've let go of a lot of shit I used to carry around. Considering how much I used to ruminate, roil and boil, be hurt, be profoundly sad, just... feel shitty about my childhood and my parents, it's a lot of growth. We went out for some Colombian food after the appointment. The excursion doubled as a walk through the neighbourhood as well. The food was really good, and the coffee was on point. I had an arepa with chorizo and huevos (a flatbread thing with spicy sausage and eggs) and a couple of empanadas (pastry made with corn batter, stuffed with chicken/beef and rice/potato). We did not opt to stop in at the ice cream shop next door, but it was tempting! When we got home, I made the phone call to the lawyer about my record suspension/pardon for my DUI. We're going to be meeting up next week on Monday morning. So, hopefully that will finally get sorted 😊. I spent a decent chunk of time just vibing to music/chatting on Discord after that. Another big thunderstorm rolled in, lots of rain. I had some of the leftover chicken dinner, and then got a ride to yoga because it was still raining. It was a relaxing, rejuvenating kind of class. Holding stretching poses for a long time type deal. I think it's because the teacher had moved a bunch of furniture during the day and needed it herself, haha! The walk back was nice too. It had stopped raining, so everything just smelt fresh and pleasant. And now I'm writing the journal. 😊 One Thing That Went Well Today: The therapy session with Harsharan felt productive. Gratitude: I am grateful for Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats. There's something about a couple of their songs that I connect with. I am grateful for my ability to walk. I get to enjoy the different sights and sounds around us, and get lost in my thoughts. I am grateful for memes. It feels good to laugh at the silly, niche, weird shit.

God speed, Cookies. I like the journal starting on a 0-based index 😊

Day 18 without video games. Today was another good day. 😄 After my usual morning stuff, I enjoyed my coffee and the Bhagavad Gita on the front porch. I remember reading somewhere that spiritual reading is different than regular reading, and I think they were onto something. It feels like you have to pay more attention and really consider what's being read. The portion I read today touched on dutiful action, dharma. I'll be honest, I went to grab the book to reference what I'd like to write in here, haha! I feel like it resonates with me. It reminds me a lot of what I've learned in AA. Building and developing a relationship with a Higher Power (God) to solve your problem. Which, in essence, is yourself. Trying to overcome your ego and rightly align yourself with life and with a Higher Power. In the Bhagavad Gita there's been two paths to enlightenment put forth: the path of Knowledge and the path of Action. The AA 12 step program definitely feels like the action path. I feel like as ex-boozers we mess up our mind to the point where the path of Knowledge probably doesn't work so good, lol. After that, I decided to go on a walk. I ended up walking for about 4 hours or so. I made a trek to a spice shop roughly 5km away from my house, but I ended up taking the scenic route so it was a bit more than that. The idea was to test out some spice blends for the meal I'm planning on cooking for a friend's bachelor party. The Silk Road Spice Merchant! The lady was quite helpful and friendly, and recommended the three that I ended up picking out. One is a salt/pepper/garlic/onion thing, classic, the other is a smoked paprika kind of thing, and the third was a 'BBQ Belt Chicken/Rib rub'. It was a beautiful day. Lots of sun, a nice gentle breeze, plenty of birds chirping around. I wasn't fully present for the whole walk, I did do some mental planning for the meal coming up. Thinking of sides, mostly. A few people were amenable to the friendly smile/nod, which I appreciated. It felt nice when people said hi 🙂. No nap today! After the walk, I had a chill reading/relaxing period in the backyard. I chose a different book, Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown. I'm re-reading it to try to absorb more information. The section I read today was about curiosity and interest. It had insights that made good sense. There's like, a sweet spot to being curious about something that you can hit. Where there's enough information to grab your interest, but not enough to give everything away. That's where the growth happens, apparently. Which, yeah, that tracks. After that, popped on the computer for a bit to do social things. Discord and perused the forums a bit. "Time flies by in the yellow and green, stick around and you'll see what I mean, there's a mountain top that I'm dreaming of, if you need me you'll know where I'll be..." - George Ezra (the song came up, and I like the lyrics And there's hints of a nice sunset through the office window. And the scent of fresh rain coming through the windows. 😄 ) But yeah, e-bike ride after that. Got caught in the rain so I cranked the motor to max and booked it back. It was pretty fun going that fast! I decided to make dinner for us tonight, and used some of the spice blends to test out. Oven-baked chicken thighs with 2 of the rubs, chicken breasts marinated in a olive oil/soy sauce/garlic/worcestershire sauce mix, rice, peas, carrots, and mushrooms. I pan-seared the breasts and cooked the mushrooms in the pan afterwards, de-glazed with red wine vinegar to get all the tasty bits. Bit of butter, salt, pepper, garlic. It turned out pretty good. The smoked paprika rub is pretty spicy, so it's good to know that, lol. I also did all of clean-up tonight as well. We went for a walk with the dog after dinner, the rain had slowed down a lot but picked up again while we were out! Caught again. Fool me once, fool me twice >.>. Some light YouTube after that and here I am. Yeah, feeling grateful today. Lots of beauty to admire. Quality time with myself. The rain felt pretty refreshing, too. Nearly forgot! I had a good in passing interaction with a guy today. He was vibing out to the music in his head, just kind of mini-dancing without headphones in. So I started snapping my fingers to a beat and he joined in as we walked past each other. It was neat lol. Good energy for sure. One Thing That Went Well Today: The spice blends are tasty, so I'm excited for what I can do with them! Gratitude: I am grateful for books. I am glad that I am reading again. I am grateful for my glasses. Without them, I wouldn't be able to see all the wonderful things God has given us. I am grateful for my chef's knife. It is a beautiful gift my mom gave me for Christmas that I'm finally putting to use now.

I'm doing yesterday's journal this morning since I went to bed early. I had a fairly relaxing day, which felt needed. I was still pretty tired from the weekend. I spent the morning reading and went on a walk. I finished the Untethered Soul, and read a bit more of the Bhagavad Gita. My mom, her boyfriend and I had a nice brunch that they prepared: mushroom omelettes, potato wedges, ham, toast, and a nice salad. After that I had a nap. Woke up a few hours later, and Amazon had delivered a package to our house (a pretty fancy hose) that I took over to the nice old lady who lives down the street, Millie. We chatted for a while while I set up the hose for her. She's spunky, full of wisdom, kind, and pretty active for 84. And, of course, quite social :D. I always enjoy our conversations. After that, I headed back home, putzed around on the computer for a bit, then popped onto Discord for the call with Cam. I feel like it went well, I shared more about some of my experiences. I got some feedback about how I might be able to make people feel more comfortable when I notice they're uneasy. And a bit of accountability, he asked me about my record suspension/pardon and how that was going. I haven't called the lawyer my dad put on retainer to help me with it yet. He gave me a prompt to reflect on: What would closure with this pardon process look like for me emotionally? I'm not too sure, to be honest. One would probably assume a great deal of relief, a weight lifted of your shoulders kind of thing. I know when I've spoken with my dad about his own experience with getting a pardon, it was like that for him. A lot of guilt and shame relieved from getting his pardon. It doesn't really resonate with me, though. The guilt and shame. I know what those feel like, but it doesn't seem like I'm carrying that around with me when it comes to having been convicted for DUI. Maybe it's emotion I can't access right now, maybe I'm just at peace with it. Time will tell, I guess. These days, it seems like I'm able to accept things as they come and go. So, when I do get it done, those emotions will come up as they will, I'll feel them, and then let them go. Getting the record suspension/pardon is still a good thing to get done at the end of the day, regardless of how I feel about it. He also suggested signing up for some improv or stand-up comedy classes. It's an interesting suggestion that I've never received before. I'm game for it, it's just getting the bank of mom onboard pretty much, lol. There's a class that Cam found with a quick Google search that seems promising. It starts next Monday, so we'd have to reschedule our meeting if I pull the trigger on it. I'm hopeful, I think it would be a fun experience regardless of how it turns out :). But yeah, I had some dinner after the call with Cam, then passed the F out lol. I was still quite tired. One Thing That Went Well Today: The call with Cam felt productive, and he had a good suggestion for action/prompt for reflection. Gratitude: I am grateful for spiritual writings. They help guide me in my journey, lead me to truths. I am grateful for our neighbour, Millie. She is a kind soul. I am grateful for compliments. They can still make me uncomfortable, but they still feel nice to receive.

I can definitely relate to that. I've been in a place, and can still go to that place, where I'm looking for approval from other people. I feel like for a lot of my life, I had a pretty bad reliance on other people. As in, my emotional well-being was pretty tightly tied to how someone treated me, or to how I thought they viewed me as a person. Which, combined with me not believing when people told me they loved and cared for me, and me actively doing things to push people away, made for a pretty miserable time. Rejection hurt really, really bad then. Even if it was just a relatively small thing. That seems pretty normal, yeah. I think it's a challenge to be authentic and real with people all the time. It kind of gets beaten out of us as kids, and we learn ways to protect ourselves from being hurt. Those become an easy default to go to whenever we're in social settings. I feel you on that. I'm glad you find this a place where you can be yourself. I think it's pretty important to have a space like that. That's a pretty natural thing, in my opinion. Once people gain your trust you open up more. I think there's layers of authenticity you can go down. It's not like you're going to tell some stranger on the street some of the stuff you hold close to your heart, or give them a confession of your sins kind of thing. It takes time and effort to develop the relationships where you can open up like that. Been through the same shit for sure, in more ways than one. I was hospitalized during my manic episode 5 years ago, so I can definitely relate to you, 😅. Line cooks are pretty crazy, dude. It takes a special kind of stupid to put ourselves through the hell that is working back of house in a restaurant 😆. But yeah, I can understand that it's probably something you wouldn't have wanted to share. There's a lot of misunderstanding and misconception about mental health. I let some fairly long-time friends know the other day that I'm diagnosed as bipolar and they were like "but you don't have crazy mood swings and say crazy shit". Even though we've come a long way, we still don't really talk about it. That being said, the embarrassment and maybe shame you might feel from being a bit too vulnerable is just another emotion that you can let pass through you, if you don't hold onto it. You said something that you wanted to keep private, and maybe some people remember it, maybe they don't. It's out of your control what they do with that. When you're in the weeds, I highly doubt anyone is going to care whether or not the person next to them has been to a mental health facility or not as long as they're pulling their weight. At least, that was my experience with people in the industry. A lot of what you wrote resonated with me. Thanks for sharing. 🙂

And respond you did 🙂 , at the time of this writing I can see like 4-5 posts you did in other people's journals lol I can relate to that, quitting out of obligation, like if someone else told me to do it, doesn't really fit. It's something to better myself, try to live a better life. Sort things out, physically, mentally, and spiritually. And I feel you on the unintended shaming, it's what made me leery of Game Quitters initially. It seems like there's people here who genuinely want to live better lives, and develop a way of life that involves facing it head on, without video games as a crutch. That's good company to keep, in my opinion.

Homegroup birthday celebration was uplifting and a good way to start the day. Lots of impactful, funny, heartfelt messages of hope to be heard. Warm, fuzzy feelings for sure. And, of course, cake! The family BBQ was good fun too. I spent a lot of time cooking, so I didn't socialize much, but I was glad to be able to express my gratitude for my cousins, aunts, and uncles by feeding them a meal. As I suspected, I am pretty tired after all the action. I feel thankful for what I have today. People in my life who care about me, and want to see me succeed and grow. I think that's all for now, the bed is calling me. One Thing That Went Well Today: People enjoyed the food for the BBQ 🙂 Gratitude: I am grateful for compassion and understanding. I think we all benefit when we try to understand each other and lift each other up. I am grateful for my experience as a line cook. It taught me many valuable lessons and skills that I can use in my daily life. I am grateful for my homegroup in AA. They are good people, warm and welcoming, and I am glad that they are with me on my journey.

Fair enough. I typically try to roll in with no expectations and take it day by day, but they do creep up on me sometimes.