Sashiku

I have been really down lately. Seems like every night I stay up half the night crying. I am so lonely. I went from 4 best friends to 2. I also lost most of my other friends, and honestly, after losing my ex best friend, I don't know how to proceed. I am just in so much pain lately. I spent half of my life being her friend, I don't know how to do this on my own. I am not very good at making friends and I feel like I will never make more friends to fill the void in my heart. I don't like being alone, it's one of my worst fears. I have always known somewhere in the back of my mind that everyone would abandon me and that I would end up leaving some of them too. Yet here I am, broken. I drew these to get my emotions out: This one is about the types of people I have lost, it isn't done yet: v

Wow, your journal is impressive. You've even given me some ideas to improve my own. Seems like you have a pretty good plan for yourself. Great job! Practicing affirmations also seems like a great and positive way to live. I definitely want to borrow that idea for my journal if that's ok. 🙂

Ah i see. 😮 It's okay, negativity loves to find little cracks and crevices to seep into. Try to find a way to give yourself a dose of positivity and good self image time to time if you can. sticky notes may not work but there are other options. 🙂

Good! I know you can do it. And hey, don't beat yourself up for your failures. If you slip up and watch porn, instead of getting angry at yourself over it, try positivity. I go to a personal development class and one of the first things our teachers taught us is to practice positive affirmations. In example: Get a sticky note or a piece of paper and write down something like (my mistakes don't define me) or something similar, but in a way that it will mean something to you. Then stick that piece of paper somewhere that you will see it in your weaker moments. I have been practicing this somewhat but to be honest my apartment was way too messy for actual sticky notes until now, I just put them on my computer, in the sticky notes program or on a sticky note extension for google chrome, and stuck them to the google home page, where I saw them every morning. I intend to use actual paper now that my apartment is cleaner. ^_^ ANYWAY, sorry, I sorta got away from my point. My point is, encourage yourself to do better, don't berate yourself for your mistakes. Being negative to yourself won't help you in the long run, it will only hinder you, trust me, I've been there. Plus, you are a kind person and even though you make mistakes, you keep trying and that in my opinion is a great quality. Sorry my reply was so long and my intent wasn't to be a know-it-all, I just wanted to share some things I learned myself not so long ago. You got this, keep up the great work. 😄

Cool. 🙂 I never watched much hockey, but I'm not really into sports, unless you consider swimming a sport. 😛 Sounds like it works for you though and that's really good! ^^

Congrats on 64 weeks! Ouch, wisdom teeth. I hope you get your health all sorted soon. Housing is a pain. The only reason I can afford to live where I live is because it's subsidized housing. I can't afford anything that isn't. Not sure if you have that where you live or if you'd qualify, but that was my solution. Glad your new routine is working well for you.

Thanks! Yea, I intend to apply daily chores into my schedule and a monthly deep cleaning day or two. My ADHD is horrible so if I need 2 days to finish it, I will go ahead and allow it instead of getting down on myself for failing. I will probably do laundry bi-weekly after I catch up. Thanks again. ^^ Cool. I guess everybody has hobbies. Yea, I still have money in the bank, plus the gift card, just not enough to buy any other wants which i am fine with. I have also made a deal with me that since I got my doll, I can't buy any other wants till March or April.

I have news! First off, My apartment is CLEAN AS HECK! I cleaned it for 2 days straight plus a bit on each day all week. I was so tired afterwards but my god it looks so great in here. 😸 My laundry is HORRIBLE but I am gonna wait till the weekend cause my sore muscles need a days break. But yea, my laundry is like, my entire closet full. Jeez. Gaming made me a lazy bun! I will keep up with it from now on I think. If I can clean my ENTIRE apartment by myself now, HECK YES I CAN DO THIS! Second news, I have been really bored lately. I have had some cravings to game but didn't give in. While I was taking short breaks to clean, I was having fun sorting all my doll related items back into their bins and even played with them just a little. I have always loved dolls, just like my Grandma and Granny. I sat down yesterday after an exhausting day of cleaning and realized... I have money in the bank plus a gift card for grocery shopping. So, I decided to blow all of it... *I know, not super smart but hear me out!* and buy something I have been wanting for almost 7 years now. I never thought I'd have the money for it and I know I spent money I really should have saved, but I can't find the will to regret it. I am so excited! I bought a high dollar doll! Here she is: https://eluts.com/product/zuzu-delf-chu/3172/category/80/ Absolutely NO regrets.

Also, I forgot to say, still no games. Will be 3 months on the 11th. I have used a couple dressup games but I use those for character design. I take the character I made and use that as a rough idea, then I make changes and draw the character with some of the attributes from the game. Never exact, but just used as a rough idea base. So therefore I don't think they count. I have only used them once in a while and never for very long as they're kinda boring. Also I never allow myself to just sit there and play around with it. I do what I need to then get off.

Congrats on getting signed up! That's pretty exciting, I wish you the best. It's nice to see that you're so close to accomplishing your goals. That takes a lot of self control and determination. Seems like everything's all lined up, test, house date. 🙂 Sounds pretty exciting.

I did yell at him once. I said JEEZ DAD! But no, I don't really have much of a temper unless it's something that has happened one too many times. I mostly just cry when I'm angry anyway. There was so much yelling in my childhood that I am really sensitive to it. Even something raising their voice a little makes me uncomfortable unless the situation calls for it (like in a loud place like a concert). I definitely agree, talking calmly is best, though I admit that I am not great at that either. I'd rather just avoid confrontation. Thanks, I have relaxed a bit but my apartment is a huge mess because when I was gaming.. I rarely cleaned. So I have like 5 months of mess to catch up on. *sigh* Cleaning has never been something I liked doing, but I am going to focus on ways to minimize the messes, IE: putting all my plates away except for 3, same with my cups and bowls. Then they can't pile up so easy. As for the stomach stuff, YES. I had a stomach ache today but I'm alright. I think you're right on that. Your last paragraph made me a little teary eyed. I'm grateful for your kindness, I don't even know what to say, I'm speechless. ❤️ 🙂

Got home on Friday. I am still exhausted but I am happy for the most part. I had an AMAZING trip to Colorado to see my sister and I got to see lots of pretty views and even visit a hot spring!!! I will add some pictures here after I get a cord for my camera. I really enjoyed my stay and the whole time I got to eat delicious vegan food. I was pretty stressed a lot of the time though because my dad has a tendency to constantly pick out my flaws and tell me to change them. He even hates that I smile and laugh all the time. (Admittedly, I laugh very easily and sometimes even laugh to myself when thinking of silly things.) And don't even get me started how how he feels about my anxiety and my bad back. Still, he was kind enough to pay for half my ticket and my sister paid for the other half. I don't have much money so there was no way I could afford it myself. Our trip there was smooth and easy but our trip back was not so smooth. We ended up flying in circles around Dallas because the storms were so bad that we couldn't land. Our pilot diverted us to a little town called Abilene in Texas and we sat there for the next hour or so in the plane while we waited for safe passage to Dallas. I also found out via texting my aunt that tornado sirens were going off in Oklahoma where she lived, they were at my Moms too. I told them both to be safe and then the time came to head to Dallas an hour and a half after we landed. So, I turned off my phone and buckled myself in for the flight. We taxi... taxied? Is that the word? Anyway, we were taxied to the runway and it was taking forever for them to take off, and suddenly, we were taxied BACK to the airport! The captain came on saying that the crew had expired and we would be escorted off the plane and into the Abilene airport by the airport staff. So, we crossed the lot and went inside. EVERYBODY was hungry, it was well past 4pm by then and we had missed our flight. Luckily dad said there was one at 6. People were lining up for the vending machines and so did I. I got me and my dad a soda (I actually got tea) and bag of chips each. Another hour and half or so later and Dad knew we wouldn't make the 6 o'clock flight. We boarded shortly after that and the captain had the all clear for a time extension. We all boarded and finally we took off. We arrived at the Dallas airport at 7:45 and RUSHED to the gate for the 8 o'clock flight. By this time, I was EXHAUSTED, I had bags under my eyes and I could only open them about half way. We had been up since 6:30 and traveling since 9am. We got to the airport in Oklahoma at about 9:45 and took a lift or whatever it's called to dad's truck. We got home at 11pm, ate some mcdonalds that they hilariously messed up on (I asked for a regular hamburger and they gave me a mc chicken... but it was LITERALLy just two buns and a piece of chicken. NO mayo, NO lettuce, NOTHING. Just a dry ass sandwich with nothing it. LOL) So, I chopped up the ingredients myself ate, and then crashed at about 12. The next morning, I wake up, feeling pretty groggy and jetlagged. Dad seems to be in a really bad mood. I go about my morning, eat some breakfast and do my exercise routine. Him and I had discussed taking me back to Moms on Sunday for new years and today is Sunday so he asks me what I want to do so I say "Yea, I'll go today." Because we had already discussed it and I thought nothing of it. He is VISIBLY pissed off. He chews me out for wanting to go to Moms and the fact my sister told me it's ok to share photos with my Mom. (Her and my mom don't speak, something happened between them and now my sister hates her and has avoided her for years.) Dad wasn't having any of it. He yelled at me for wanting to go to Moms SO badly and that I was causing drama by talking with my sister about it. We got in the truck and I was crying so hard that I had forgotten the gifts I got for Christmas. Dad went back and drove like a maniac to get them for me, which he reluctantly did and said I would have to get them when I come over next time. So we are in the car and he continues to yell at me for a while, I just sit there crying and then we are silent the rest of the drive. When we get there, he throws all my stuff onto moms porch, I get out and he says "have a good day" from the truck window and leaves immediately. I tell mom I need a moment alone and I go out into the pasture and BAWL. That was a really hard day for me. Luckly, Dad sent an apology the next day and said he was proud of me for how well I handled the delayed flight. He said I didn't complain once. I love my dad, and I am very grateful for the fact he paid for half my ticket, I just wish we could get along better. He and I are exact opposites. 😕 I'm open minded and he's extremely conservative. Aside from that, I'm home now and I rested for 2 and a half days but now I really need to clean my apartment because I have an inspection in 3 days. x_x WHY ALWAYS AFTER THE HOLIDAY?! DX

I'm going to get it checked out. My stomach feels bad a lot. Especially when stressed.

Lately has been... bleh. I have felt sick for the past 4 days, not really able to eat anything again and feeling sick. I don't know what is going on with me. I told my dad I was feeling ill and he was like "You sure feel sick a lot, probably just allergies." I am pretty sure this is not allergies. My nose is fine, it's just my stomach. Also my Christmas plans have changed and instead of going home for Christmas, I said yes to going to my Sister's place in Colorado since I have never been and who knows when I will be able to go again. So, my nerves are on EDGE. I am so nervous that I will feel sick in Colorado or that I will be a burden or that it will be awkward. I am nothing like the other members of my family. ? I am the oddball, the strange one, the introvert in a family of extroverts. The reason I said yes is partially because i want to see my sister, and partially because I want to seek discomfort. So... I am already uncomfortable and scared. I hope this goes well! I just want to spend time with my Sister and learn more about her since I barely see her once a year for around 12 years now. I want to do this, even if my mind is screaming at me not to.

You're absolutely right. ? I think it will be good for me too, I need to learn to love myself more.

I am sorry you are going through a hard time. I can relate to the empty feeling, that is how I felt when all my friends left me in October and November. I use a little saying when I am going through a hard time, maybe it will help you. "Today is not a good day, but tomorrow will be a little better." I have learned that looking to the positives helps me overcome whatever it is I'm facing. I also just want to tell you that you are such a kind person and have taken the time to comfort me when I'm feeling down or give me advice when I need it, so I just want to say thank you and you deserve happiness. And if you ever need to talk or anything, feel free to message me. (Also I am glad you got moved ok.)

I woke up at 2am this morning and tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't. At about 3 I got up and was just feeling so determined to get some things done today. I dunno where this motivation came from but suddenly I just feel like I NEED to change things up. I watched a few videos about the PCT *Pacific Crest Trail* and a couple videos about RVing and even one about living as one with nature in a tiny little house under a mountain. I have this dream of being able to hike, camp, walk and do more outdoorsy things but I have always felt like I can't do it because I don't have any friends who are into it and everybody keeps telling me not to do it alone, but nobody offers to go with me, so I have decided, Today on, I am going to start making the great outdoors my main focus! I am going to start a new way of life because the one I am doing now isn't working for me and it just reminds me of all the things I'm walking away from. Right now I get up, check to see if anybody commented on my art, stare at my art, wishing somebody would care, then maybe eat and talk to friends, then kind of dilly-dally around the internet the rest of the day. I want to go outside, even if I am just going to take a walk, and I want to read an hour a day starting TODAY. I am not sure when to read yet though. Not before bed though, because starting anything before bed is a huge problem because of my hyperfocusing. I might read after lunch or maybe after my workout... Not sure yet. I might go check out a geocache some time this week, I have some chores I am promising myself to get done this week first though. I have high hopes for this, I am going to do my best to live my dreams, even if they seem foolish and impossible.

Thank you. I will do my best.

So, I got through last night luckily, I helped someone fix some grammatical errors they made in a story they wrote because English wasn't their first language. After that, I took some silly quizzes for fun and then I watched some Momocon Steven Universe Panels and geeked out. I also did a little homework for TMCS. (I GRADUATED O102 AND AM IN O103 now!! Which means, I am VERY CLOSE to graduating from Orientation!) I feel a bit overwhelmed lately. I have so many emotions and thoughts and I can't just jump into a video game to push them aside. I don't really know how to process all these thoughts and feelings. I also feel overwhelmed because of how much things are changing. I know I try to change too fast but if I don't change certain things quickly, then I'm afraid I will just be a failure. Example: I have struggled with cleaning my house for my entire life. I can't stay focused and doing the chores is hard mentally and physically. I dunno why I struggle so much with this. I WANT to have a clean house, but it actually hurts to do it sometimes. All of this stress about cleaning my apartment has been on my mind constantly for the entire 2 years I have lived here and I feel like I can't get past it. I did some chores the day before yesterday, did some dishes, took out trash, cleared off my desk, but I still have SO MUCH more to do! I let things go for like half a year! That's how depressed and how addicted to gaming I was... I am so ashamed but I feel lost like I will NEVER get all of this done! Once I get this place clean, I will never use real plates again. Paper plates for life.

Today is rough. I am quite bored and my last art piece has been pretty well ignored. My sleeping is still all over the place and last night I was so hyper I couldn't sleep a wink. I dunno what to do with myself right now. Its 10pm and I have only been awake a few hours. =_=;; I did download Miku Miku dance last month but Its a lot of hard work to make anything so I'm averaging about 2-3 hours a week on it which is barely anything. *its a program where you basically manipulate 3D models to make them dance or walk or whatever. I have had gaming pangs, but I push them asside immediately and my kneejerk response is to scream NO WAY in my head and push the thought asside. but MAN IM BORED. I don't know of anything to do this time of night. Maybe I will just go clean something.

I set my alarm for 6:30 today so I could get some things done. My dad called me at 9 last night and acted kind of funny, asking me what I was doing today and that he might call me tomorrow??? I dunno but if he just shows up again I'm going to be pissed, so, I decided to clean my apartment in overdrive this morning. So, I gotta go, no time. I just wanted to update letting you all know I'm stil on the wagon. It will be 2 months on the 11th!!!

Thank you so much. That is one of the kindest things anyone has ever told me. ^^

I found out I quit on October 10th. I didn't want to keep track at first because I felt like doing that was just going to make it go slower. I think I am ok with knowing now that it has nearly been 2 months. (I thought it had already been that long. XD)

I see. yea, I don't have much social life at the moment either. I hope to join some groups around here but it's a small town so I dunno how many groups there are. Self loathing is hard to deal with. I have come a long way but when I get really down, I tend to blame everything on myself and wish I didn't exist. Still much better than 2 years ago. Well, momentum's building, just slowly. ? Thanks again for your support.