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Sashiku

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Everything posted by Sashiku

  1. My god I'm tired. I started taking thyroid meds again though. I have just been SO BUSY. I went out of town AGAIN this weekend and the week before I was sick. The week before that I was really upset cause my dad was in the hospital. It's been so busy for me. I'm glad to have time to breathe. Just got home and am taking 2 days off to relax. I need it.
  2. It happens. And you're absolutely right, nobody is perfect. You're still doing awesome though. Admitting when you relapse is pretty hard sometimes. I wish you the best.
  3. Heading to Oklahoma for 9-10 days. See you guys when I return. Also, I relapsed a tiny bit. I played a mobile game for 1 day and quit. Reason: I have been dealing with chronic exhaustion for 2 weeks where I sleep most of the day and most of the night. I haven't been taking my thyroid medicine in months because I am worried I will run out before I get my insurance. It has been months since I sent it in. They are taking ages. I decided to take some yesterday and today but I'm still so tired I can barely even clean my house.I feel like I'm moving very slowly. I hate being tired all the time. I also got my wisdom too pulled and wasn't allowed to eat solid food for a few days which made it even worse. I just want to feel good so I can get out and do things. I hate sitting inside and when I'm forced to, well, relapses happen due to boredom and frustration. Why is it every time I try to quit my health declines? :(
  4. My goodness. So much has been happening that I haven't been online to update my Journal in a couple of days. I went to bed at 10pm Woke at 5:55am. Today I'm grateful for: Ibuprofen Dentists My Aunt Debbie So I have been pretty busy lately getting things done around my apartment. Some cleaning here and there and some organizing. I also had Class Monday and some homework over the weekend. This class is so positive. I can almost feel the positive change it's had on me. The lady who helps teach my class has been SUCH a help. Her name is Jean and she found me a dentist AND some mental health people for me to see for counseling. Speaking of Dentists, the one she found saw me yesterday and pulled one of my wisdom teeth. The dentist was super nice and even gave me a charity form for everything Medicare doesn't cover since I'm low income. I haven't had a dentist in like 15 years because dentists in Oklahoma don't take Medicare I don't think. Kansas is doing everything right for the disabled I tell you. I'm in quite a bit of pain now but I woke up at 5:55 to take medicine and decided to get up because I wasn't tired anymore. Lately, I've been filling my time with TV shows and Documentaries but that will probably stop once I get to working on my new project and my comic. My project for when I get home is to re-make some dolls my Grandma had made when I was a little girl. None of her kids remember what they look like, so I'm going to find some scrap material and some yarn and try to completely re-create them from scratch. I plan on starting work on my comic as soon as my apartment is completely unboxed, organized and clean, which may not happen till 2 weeks from now since I'm going to Tulsa to sign off on my mom's house on the 13th. I am on her deed. I'll be coming home on the 21st because I want to visit my Dad and Aunt while there. It feels great to be doing so many amazing things.
  5. Day 2: *I kinda messed up but I'm really motivated now* Grateful for: Pennies Freedom My Dad Neri I am SO tired today. I had huge plans to get things done but I only did maybe a quarter of the things on my to-do list and ended up falling asleep for like 4 hours. I got some dishes done and vacuumed and failed to get to organizing and finishing my dishes. I still have a little bit of time left today so I'm going to finish dishes probably and do organizing tomorrow. Going to play Bingo tonight at 6pm. Looking forward to it. Had a falling apart with one of my friends. Kinda glad, she was a big problem for me over the past few months. One of those controlling people. I completely uninstalled all of my games and even my RPGMaker stuff. Lastly, Ostara is soon. I am going to be in my hometown for a week but I'm scheduled to go home the DAY BEFORE OSTARA which really sucks. I might change my plans so I can celebrate it there. I really wish I could tell my family so I would feel less alone in my journey... Life isn't fair sometimes, however. I'm just going to have to learn to deal with it.
  6. Its great to see you are still around for the most part. I hope you finally find where you need to be in life. I know what you mean about escaping real life as I did it for 15 years. It's not a fun thing and it's very hard to face reality sometimes. I'm here for you buddy.
  7. I went to bed rather late last night due to documentaries. >.>; Woke up at 11am though. Grateful for: Jean Biscuits Friends I woke up, got ready and headed to the library with the lady who teaches my PPD classes named Jean. WHAT A GREAT LADY! She took all of the bits of information I had pieced together and helped me form them into a working resume in 20 minutes flat. When I got home, I went downstairs at 5:30 and we ate biscuits and gravy! By the time I got home I was exhausted.
  8. WARNING, THIS IS PRETTY DEPRESSING. DON't READ THIS IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY THAT! Day 3... Didn't sleep. I had emotional flashbacks most of the night. I ended up crying for hours and then decided to draw my feelings so I could be rid of them.
  9. We both used to live in Oklahoma but I moved to Kansas and she moved to another part of OKlahoma before I moved.
  10. I have a supportive friend that I've had for about 15 years now and she is very happy that I'm quitting but now we have no idea what to do. We used to spend a lot of time together gaming, in fact, my friends were a big part of why I did it. Now we are looking for other things to do and we're just sitting here. Talking yea, but it's pretty dull. What do we do to replace our game time bonding??
  11. Hey Ashley. I am right here with you. This is day 2 for me and I've relapsed twice. It seems you are doing more things than you used to which is awesome though. I also draw, I'd love to see some of your art.
  12. :> And now I'm hungry again, just thinking about those waffles with a cup of almond tea sitting beside them Yea, I hope to do a sketch every single day. Drawing is more my chosen art form, but I used to do photography a few years ago. Unfortunately, I no longer have a camera. Thanks for the comment! :D Enjoy the rest of your day.
  13. I've read everything you've written and I'm excited to find somebody I share some things in common with. Namely tea, photography, 3D work, snow, social anxiety *not that it's a good thing*, Native American interest and a deviantart account. :) Excited to hear more about your journey. Let's keep doing our best.
  14. Seems like you are doing pretty well. I hope your job doesn't end up making things hard for you though. I wish the best for you and your family.
  15. Day 2 Went to bed at 12:44 Woke up at 1pm Been very tired lately. Goals for Today: Wash my dishes and wipe off all surfaces Today I'm grateful for: My best friend Jean Jan Wayne comfy pajamas Sleep Feeling tired but also pretty content. I drew a daily sketch yesterday. Here it is: Also, last night in our Personal and Professional Development class, we've been given Journals and asked to keep them. It's supposed to help with stress, help you make better decisions, and helps you to be honest with yourself and others, which then leads to being responsible for your actions.
  16. I need to edit the last big post I did. How do I do that? Edit button is gone.
  17. I know how you feel. I have been neglecting my studies as well. Sometimes my brain just can't seem to connect with what I'm researching so I end up scanning the same sentence 10 times without remembering a single thing it said. I hope you're able to get it done. :) I think you will feel really good about it if you do. ^-^ That usually gets me to do things. Because it will make me happy.
  18. Congrats on day 33! :) You've gotten pretty far now. An entire month feels so far away for me right now but seeing that you can do it makes me feel like maybe I can do it too. Keep it up, you're doing great. :D
  19. I started a new journal since this is a completely different phase in my life and I prefer not to look back. Anyhow, I'm glad to be here again. Let's all learn from each other. Day 1 I went to bed at: 4:30am I woke up at: 12pm My goals for this week: Keep a sleep schedule from 12am to 8am Focus on art and my studies Today I'm grateful for: My aunts My best friend My cozy apartment This small town Blueberry waffles I've already started the cleansing process. Removing everything that might tempt me from my computer and other devices. Feeling hopeful though a bit sad. I wish I didn't have so many problems. But at the same time, I'm on the road to self-improvement in many areas so I feel confident that I'm going in the right direction. I also feel a little out of touch spiritually. I was doing really well studying a little a day until last month. I'm excited to get that started back up. I hope you all have a wonderful day. <3
  20. I'm going to close this journal now. I'd prefer not to look back to the past.
  21. So... Where do I begin? Things got really really bad with my family and I decided I HAD to get out of there, no matter what. I was at the end of my rope and I felt like I was going to either snap or have a complete meltdown. So, thanks to the support of my family (Aunts and Dad), I signed some papers in August to be put on a waiting list to move into an apartment in Kansas. Not just any place in Kansas, a small town of 7,000 people where my Aunt Works AT the same place I'll be living! It's the housing authority and they take disabled so it was a great opportunity. I hadn't accepted it before because I was scared I guess. Afraid I wouldn't be able to take care of myself, or maybe that I'd end up making too many mistakes. Anyway, in October I was approved to move in. By the end of October, I was moved all the way from Oklahoma to Kansas and most of my belongings moved with me. (My apartment is much smaller than my apartment at the house was so I had to leave some stuff behind, but I like it a lot, its super cute!) Once I moved here, I kept expecting to hear my mom screaming or my brother breaking things but... silence. I found peace quite quickly after about a week. Peace I haven't known in 15 years. My aunt has always been here for me since moving here. My life completely flipped upside down once I was here, in the best way possible. From being in my room constantly to being invited to events, actually OPENING my windows, talking to people nearly every day, eating the way I wanted and most importantly, seeing myself and my life change before my eyes. Looking back at this Journal, I almost feel disconnected to the person I was back then. Like it was some bad dream or somebody else's life. I think for the first time in a long time, I'm aware of myself. I'm not trying so hard to pretend I don't exist that I start to believe it. Right now I'm enrolled in a class called "Personal and Professional Development" and I feel like I've already noticed some change within me just from the few times I've been. I'm more grateful for the small things and try to see the good side of every situation. Besides, My life now is so much easier than it was back in October. Still though, once moving here and after the initial peace, there was anxiety and a lot of it. I was saying "sorry" after nearly every sentence and I was awkward and always worrying about "What if". What if I can't keep my place clean? What if I ask too much of my Aunt? What if I don't make any friends? What if I can't do this....? Well, after being here a few months, a lot of that has faded, though some still remain. Mostly about keeping my place clean since I'm not very good at that and it's in the rules. But that's not why I'm here. I'm here to not only tell you about what's been going on, but also admit that I've fallen completely back into gaming. After my last post, things at home got even worse. To the point where I didn't even want to live anymore. Luckily, I found the courage to move, but while I was trying to keep myself from completely losing it, I turned to gaming once again. After the move, I didn't play for about a month. I was too happy enjoying all of my new freedoms and the peaceful quiet. After that, I started again, but this time, because I missed my friends and also because it was too cold to really see the town. So boredom and loneliness I suppose. Though I did notice a change in my gaming. I gamed before for escapism, but now I seem to be a lot more light hearted with games. I even enjoyed a game I hated previously. In any case, I can clearly see I can never play video games again. When I do, I ignore my responsibilities, spend WAY too much money *I literally have 26$ in my bank due to games this month...* and I forget to take care of myself *meds, brushing hair, etc* I've been trying to figure out what else to do but I just don't know. Small town, new people, etc.I have friends here, but most of them are over 60... maybe all of them. Though I cherish all of them dearly, I want a friendship with somebody who shares my interests, but NOT my love of gaming. Somebody to exercise with, explore with and maybe even go to the library with! xD I'm weird. But mostly I'd like to find somebody here who shares my spiritual beliefs, at least a little more than 90% of the population does. This town is 99% Christian, which is awesome and wonderful but I don't share their beliefs and it can be a little lonely. The only Wiccan in the entire town. But it's not like I can go asking... People would probably be pretty upset with me and I can guarantee I'd lose friendships. I don't want to be ostracised from a town that I love with all my heart and people with amazing hearts and kindness. I just wish I could find one person... On that note, I must say though that I love the methodist church here. They are the most giving people ever. Not only is my PPD class there, but also the free Wednesday meals for THE ENTIRE TOWN and the bell they have the rings is SO lovely that I open my windows to hear it even when it's 13 degrees outside. Anyway, My appologies if that was a bit too much to read. Just so much has changed, it's hard to put it all into a short explanation. In ending, I just want to say that I have decided to quit... forever. I am going to give it my all.
  22. No problem! I'm happy to be back. Life is hard though. I have been through a lot but I'm hoping to turn it all around for the sake of my dreams.
  23. So, a LOT of things have happened! This is going to be a very long post. My apologies for that. So, from October on, a sequence of events happened. I'll tell them as they happen. October was alright. I was doing a bit more than I had been. Then November came and well... Things got worse from there. My family was in constant strife so I was stressed and turned to my good buddy video games to help me lose myself. Then December came... All hell broke loose. My brother was drunk all the time and my mom was angry all the time and I didn't know what to do. Then in January, the inevitable happened. All out war. My brother kept acting like he wanted t hit my mom so I got mad at him and sorta did some things I'm not proud of and he ended up breaking through a door with his skateboard and nicking me in the back of the head with it. I know he was just paying me back for what I did. I just couldn't see the up side to anything so in my room I stayed. Well, February rolls around and I'm getting sicker and sicker. Depression has hold of me now. My friend in Oregon offers me a place to stay for as long as I'll need it. My family may not be physically abusive *That was the first time he hit me and I think it was an accident. It also didn't hurt.* but they're definitely toxic people and they are starting to affect me. So, I decided it's time to leave. I haven't left yet due to family pressure and other responsibilities, but I plan to as soon as I can. So, last month, My doctor discovered my life-long issues with my stomach were caused by Chronic Cholecystitis. I had my gallbladder removed and now I feel about 10 thousand times better. After my wounds healed I started doing a little more but i still didn't want to be near my family due to the stress they cause, so I stayed in my room gaming mostly. But, 5 days ago I began a 15 minute daily exercise and I'm really starting to motivate myself. I am afraid of failing, but I have to do it. I found a goal. Something to work towards. Quitting gaming for me was just to prevent wasting my life. But this? This is for another huge reason. My entire life I've had wanderlust. I wanted to see what was outside of this city, now, outside this state. I saw a sequence of videos last week that answered my question of *what do I want to do with my life* for me. It started out as looking for a funny spider cat video... I ended up finding a guy's video I hadn't seen in years. So, I went and checked out his new videos, which then sent me to his older videos where... he moved to Alaska from Cali. His videos were all over Alaska. From videos with giant mountains to videos with beautiful clear lakes. I envied him so much, but he also inspired me so much. I'm watching one of his videos a day, because it helps fuel the fire. It's not that i want to live in Alaska, the where isn't important. The important thing is that I get out of Oklahoma and see more than I've seen. So, I started exercising. A 35 year old girl with disc degeneration and no physical fitness can't hike a mile. I aim to change how I am into a new me. Same old me with a new attitude and ability. I don't know if I'll fail or succeed, but I have to try. I would rather die now than stay in this boring familiar place. I want to see it all. Now, I know it won't be easy. I'm probably much poorer than most people since I can't seem to find a job here and have no choice but to exist on the measly amount I get for disability. I figure, someone in a small town may hire me. Maybe they won't be so judging and discriminating. Anyway, sorry for the long post. A lot has happened. Things MUST change from here on out or I don't think I'll be ok.
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