[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

Day 26 — Walking, Meditating, and Frogs

I often struggle to get started in the morning.  I find myself, getting up to take my morning pills and going back to bed (I can't eat or drink for 45 to 60 minutes).  As if it wasn't obvious enough, a lot of medical experts are saying it's probably better for me if I use that time to do something else (say, take a shower).  Although I agree with this advice on a theoretical level, just acknowledging the facts hasn't implicitly triggered a more practical change.  The reason, I believe is that I hadn't "fully" or "deeply" accepted the advice; I hadn't let it displace my often subconscious belief.  That is, the belief that I should "enjoy" and "desire" doing the things that I do.  The roots of this mindset is complex, with roots in my personal trauma and some parts of "centrist, white, middle-class" culture I grew up in.   That said, it would take forever to write down my hypotheses in that regard.  Anyways, recently, I've reviewed a few things from my dialectal behavior therapy handouts that was quite helpful.  The gist of it was: Don't be willful, be willing; i.e. don't wait until you want to do something, do it because you can and it works.  Of course that's easier said than done, whether actually have the ability to do something may remain to be seen, but we can at least try.

All of that said, I managed to push myself to not go back to bed this morning.  And while I did procrastinate a bit in front of my computer, I did manage to push myself to go out for a walk (one little step at a time) in the nearby park and trails along the Ottawa River.  I was committed to meditating this morning as well and when I saw people doing yoga in the park, I said to myself "Hey, why not meditate outside for once."  So, I did.  Although I was distracted by bugs landing on me and my strands of hair tickling my forehead because of the wind, it was a pleasant experience overall.  But it was really, when it was over and I opened my eyes that my positive sensations peeked.  Seeing, the grass, trees, shrubs, moths, birds, the river and I felt a deeper sense of wonder rising within me.  I looked around and I imagined how many critters there where that I couldn't even hear or see and then all the different types of cells and molecules involved in this so complex system in a yet so small portion of the earth.  I brought my awareness to the texture of the grass, and trees, the feel of the cool wind, and the warm sun, the sounds of wildlife, and people at the park.  All that for while before moving on to finish my walk.

On the path, I stopped at a small bridge over the creek just a few hundred meters away from where I meditated.  I was observing the clear static water until I saw a well camouflaged bullfrog (I believe, see picture).  The frog wasn't making any noise, it wasn't moving at all.  I sat next to the creek to observe the frog longer; was it waiting for moth nearby to come into it's range?  Was it cooling off in the water?  Was it laying eggs or taking a big poop!? 😄  And older woman (maybe in her 70s) walked by, said "hello" and I told her about the frog and she stopped to appreciate the sight as well.  We talked about meditation, mindfulness, spirituality and gratitude for a bit; there was a human connection, a sense of feeling heard, seen and valued (as Brené Brown would describe it) and it felt pretty good.  One thing she said that I think will stick is (paraphrasing of course) "Normally you wouldn't notice any red Volkswagens, but now that I've mentioned it there's a high chance that you might.  Maybe you noticed this frog through it's camouflage because you're attention is set on observing nature right now."  And I realized the same can be said about positive things in our life.  Taking the time to find positive thoughts and feelings in the present moment, makes it easier to see more throughout the day.  While I may not have the ability to prevent feelings from arising, I do have the ability to make some arise.

Anyways, I've been typing for an hour now and I'm running out of time. 😄  There's a lot to be learned here and I think this will serve as a motivation to continue going out for walks and meditating.  I hope you manage to enjoy part of your day as well.  Take care folks.

[1 Week into quitting and I lost all motivation for studying]

I believe it is normal to feel apathetic/depressed in the first couple of weeks, especially if it's the first time you quit.  Personally, I'm like super motivated for the first 2-3 days and then I have huge cravings for several days.  However, it does get easier.  I've been conditioned to regularly and easily access an large amount of stimulation/pleasure in a single package.  So like, quitting leaves this empty void that needs to be filled.  1) I suddenly have much more free-time on my hands.  2) I don't get the same satisfaction from other aspects of my life.

To address these I picked up a variety of other hobbies; Yes, I have quit video games but I haven't quit on having fun and I don't think anyone should.  The reason why I quit video games as a means of having fun in particular was because I seem unable to moderate my gaming.  So much that there are long-term consequences.  When I think about the long run, what I truly value, what truly makes me happy, video games aren't really there.  I also try to enjoy the little things in life every now and then.  Making a deliberate effort to practice compassion and gratitude towards myself, other people, animals, and other non-living things can be helpful at times.

There's a lot of practical advice like this out there but it's not uncommon that to change our behavior we also have to change our mind.  Sometimes it's our expectations/beliefs that prevent us from enjoying things or moving on from dissatisfaction or suffering.  I know that I for one, have this counter-productive intuition/expectation that things should be "easy", that I shouldn't struggle.  I have this "all or nothing" mentality that needs to change if I can ever hope to accomplish things that are really important to me in the long run.  Anyways, that's why talking to a therapist is a good idea for me.  The diagnosis and therapy is very helpful, in fact, I would say it was essential for me.  A year and a half ago I was contemplating suicide but now I'm starting to have long-term goals and shit.  Pretty crazy (in a good way).

Anw, my point is, as I've said in the beginning: What you are going through now is normal.  You're not alone and this won't last forever.  As long as you keep trying and learn from your mistakes, you will find what you need.

Take care mate.

[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

Thank you @liam.  It always feels good when someone validates our thoughts and efforts as you did. 

After reading your June 25th post, I'm impressed you even have the time to to read other people's posts.  The current circumstances of my life — being single, having no dependents, and having been on long-term disability for over a year now — gives me a lot more time to think and articulate those thoughts.  There's a noticeable amount of self-awareness and self-compassion in your post.  I'm left under the impression that you know your family is more valuable to you than your addiction.  You continue trying and improving that ability to find and maintain a balanced life.

That said, you did mention feeling "somewhat ashamed" to be back here.  In my opinion, there is no shame to be had in returning here.  As I've also included at the end of my April 5th post, Sharon Salzberg (A popular Loving-Kindness Meditation teacher in the west) said: "Healing is in the return, [by] learning to begin again." In other words, we improve the most when we get back up, like you have.  I'm sure many people would agree that what you did is a milestone that deserves gratitude and pride.  You could've sunken deeper but you turned it around.  (If I say turn one more time my head might turn into a turnip 😄)

I hope this post validates your thoughts and efforts as much yours did for me.  Either way, take care of the ones you love, including yourself.

P.S. If you're interested in SMART Recovery you can probably join in on some of these remote meetings.  These meetings in particular are hosted by the Mental Health and Addiction Services of Ottawa (Ontario, Canada) but we have people from other cities, provinces, and even the US joining in from time to time and they are completely free.  For more options you can checkout the official SMART Recovery website.

[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

Day 10 — The Actual Sequel

Alright so the attempt to quit that got me to make my last post didn't last more than 4 days.  However, I have managed to get back up and try again.  Here I am, 10 days in and feeling alright.

As I've described on the post I made in this thread on April 27th, I had been burdening myself with a lot of self-inflicted shame.  This stems from the "all or nothing/now or never" bias I've developed as a child and reinforced throughout my life.  This is a very common and pervasive cognitive pattern/schema amongst people suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, like myself.  Experts in the field of psychology call this phenomena "splitting".  Anyone familiar with logical fallacies would probably see this as a strong tendency to invoke false dichotomies (i.e. "black and white" fallacy).  As much as this bias has motivated me to deliver great results at times (perfectionism, "completionism"), it has also often motivated to give up and avoid challenges I could've benefited from persisting through.

In regards to what I just described, I believe I experienced what I think is an important psychological breakthrough ~2 weeks ago.  Turns out I reap more benefits from focusing on and being grateful to the process rather than the result; i.e., I benefit more from congratulating myself for trying my best rather than pushing myself to complete something to near perfection.  I already knew this in theory and had experienced it at other times in my life but I guess it hadn't stuck — perhaps because I was often relying on others to provide it.  A lot of times we claim to acknowledge something as true and yet never really apply or do anything about it (politicians are really prone to this.  Sometimes it seems like they even do it on purpose! [sarcasm]).  My therapist encouraged me to take the time to comfort my "inner child", to "parent myself" as I should've been.  So, my homework was as simple as, at least a few times that week, take the time to put a hand on my heart (typical of self-compassion exercises) and something along the lines of "I'm proud of you kido", or "it's ok kido.  I'm here for you."  I had already done self-compassion exercises but not really referring to my "inner child".  I resisted it at first because (and I still have mild discomfort) because, being a man, I don't want to equate myself with a "weaker" version of me.  However, I wouldn't say we have no influence but we also don't really get to pick choose who we are entirely either.  There's no denying that the result of my childhood trauma is a part of who I am and I would probably benefit from caring for it the way it should've been at the time of its inception.

Anw, here I am.  I've gotten over the bigger urges we get at the during the first week of "sobriety".  It's not the first time I try to quit gaming so I had alternative "toys" at arms reach to keep myself busy and the mindfulness to make use of them.  I actually bought a lot more toys. 😄 I got a new electric guitar, a bunch of new pedals and a new amp! 🤘 I believe it's a good challenge to take on, to put this new "I'm glad I tried" mentality into practice.

P.S. here's a picture of my new guitar.  It's an Epiphone Les Paul Standard. ❤️

[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

Day 1 (The Sequel) — Ending "Lapse"

According to my SMART Recovery Program handbook, there are 5 Stages of Change:

1. Pre-Contemplation
   1. "Games are not addictive!"
   2. When we resist change by not taking responsibility for our addictive behavior; either passively, by not being aware of, or actively, by rejecting the problematic nature of our behavior.
2. Contemplation
   • "... my life is a mess...  Games take up so much time... I should play less but everything else feels so difficult..."
   • When we admit we have a problem but have "mixed feelings" about change.  We are weighing the costs and benefits of changing or not and have yet to decide between the two.
3. Preparation
   • "Apparently I'm not the only one who feels this way.  Other people have managed to quit and make a better life for themselves.  I wonder how did they did it?  Maybe I can learn from them."
   • When we have accepted and chosen change.  We are gathering information, resources, and/or planning.
4. Action
   • "Time to uninstall all these PC games and sell these consoles.  Then I'll have plenty of time to pickup my old guitar and go out for a walk in the park.  It's gonna be hard but I got this."
   • When we take on the first steps of the challenge of changing, executing our plans gathered from the previous stage. 
5. Maintenance
   • "... I'm so tired... and bored... and lonely... I could play just one night... No!!!  I know how slippery of slope that is for me.  Look at everything I've accomplished since I quit.  I'm going through a tough time now but succumbing to these cravings will likely only make things worst.  I'm going through a tough time.  This dissatisfaction, it's normal and it won't last forever.  I'm strong.  I'll be alright."
   • We continue to resist cravings, building confidence and self-control.
6. Exit
   • "Oh yeah, we did used to play that game together.  Nah, I don't miss it.  I have no regrets.  My life is so much better now.  Hey!  You should come over and bring your guitar!"
   • Our new behavior(s) have become habitual, cravings are practically non-existent.

Note that in reality the process isn't as linear as this, there can be overlap or "bouncing" between stages.  We can also experience what we call a lapse — slipping back into a previous stage for a short period of time (days, weeks) — or a complete relapse — regressing all the way back to pre-contemplation for a long period of time (months, years).

I believe what I experienced was a lapse, not just because it lasted less than 2 weeks, but rather because I never became ignored or rejected the problematic nature of my behavior.  I knew what I was doing was harmful, so much that I didn't want my peers to know before I quit again.  I knew I was indulging in a behavior that wasn't in line with my values and goals.

This month has not been the best for me, I was expecting the new medical treatment I was scheduled to start undertaking this month, in accordance with my values and goals to be easy, but it was not and still isn't.  I feel so tired and frustrated, as if I had done nothing but lose on daily basis.  I wanted a way out, something that game me that sense of achievement/success, something that felt not too hard and not too easy to me.  And that's what many video games are designed to do.  You work towards a goal with little to no punishment for failure and tonnes of bells and whistles at various milestones along the way.

Anyways... I don't know where I'm going with this.  I got interrupted for a couple of hours and well... anyways... at least I didn't game today.  It's a good start.  Peace out folks.

P.S. For those that are wondering SMART Recovery is a non-profit, science-based program to help people deal with addiction.  A great alternative if you feel turned off by the theistic nature of 12 step programs.  A lot of what I learned in this program lines up with what I'm also learning through individual therapy.

[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

Thank you @Zeno, this reply and the post you linked to sound brilliant to me.  I'm certainly inspired to ponder.

I'm not much of a reader but I did add Thinking in Systems, by Donella Meadows, to my wish-list.

I believe I am currently experiencing the downwards drift described some of the quoted passages.  for the past couple of weeks, I have been experiencing an unexpected amount of failure in the face a new challenge and succumbing to my negative bias, unnecessarily (or excessively) lowering my expectations and enabling "my system" (i.e., "my life") to deteriorate.  I'm here today because I've relapsed; I wasn't following the 90 day program but I've ironically relapsed on the 91st.  I've been binging for 3 days now, playing 12+ hours/day, alone and in secret, only stopping to eat, sleep, and respond to messages and appointments. I was too ashamed to admit it, until now.  In hindsight, 3 days isn't so bad. Some of my binging sprees have lasted for weeks, if not months in the past. I suppose it's time to start ratcheting up again, I just hope I end up doing this at a realistic passe.

I don't know if Meadows's book addresses this but it is difficult to evaluate what is or isn't realistic or effective when making changes to a system.  Or heck, just modeling a system from scratch!  Because the reality is I don't have an accurate model of "my system", the actual state of which is largely immeasurable, and constantly changing. ...sigh... Look at me, wishing I had all the answers and that I could somehow never fall short of my personal goals; look at me being afraid of failure.  Such a torrent of emotions in my mind right now... I didn't get to write it all down but my cognition showed signs of anger (blaming others and not making any changes at all), depression (crying and ratcheting down too low), and anxiety (panicking and ratcheting up too high)... I have poor mental health (suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD) if that wasn't clear.

At least I didn't give in to any of these intense emotions, I'm still here, trying to be calm and non-judgemental, trying to learn.  I guess my next ratchet back up, my next step in recovering from my recent fall, is going to be just this: mindfulness.  Whether it's meditation, or journaling like this, I can probably benefit from observing and describing how I feel, what I'm thinking, non-judgmentally; at least, that's what I learned in my dialectical behavior therapy.

I got this.

[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

Day 70 - To Learn to Succeed, You Must First Learn to Fail.

The latter portion of this post's header is a quote by Michael Jordan (allegedly, couldn't find the source).  Jordan is well known, not only for his success but for mastery over the fear of failure.  Many commercials, articles, and books were released with him encouraging people (especially the young) to accept ones imperfection, never give up, and learn from our mistakes.  His humble origins, even to me — someone that has never been part of a sports team — are impressive to say the least.

Quote

“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” -Micheal Jordan

That said, the same mentality can be found in various fields.  It's no secret that the people who are the most successful at life, whether they are privileged or not, have little to no fear of failure.  IMO, the "ideal" person would even go so far as embracing failure.  That's not to say they actively seek failure but rather, that they accept the experience when it occurs, expected or not, without judgement, as a part of their journey.  If that doesn't lead to pure courage then I don't know what does.

Anyways, this easier said than done.  In fact, it took me 15 minutes to craft a sentence to describe it.  Perhaps focusing on where I could improve in relation, see what I can learn, will make things easier in the long run.

There's no doubt that, as I've mentioned before, I procrastinate a lot.  Fear of failure is probably one of the reasons why I neglect to set goals, or make and follow plans towards said goal(s).  I often see goals and plans as opportunities to fail, especially when there's a time limit/deadline.  One of the things that I dislike being asked the most is "how long do you think this will take?".   Even before I quit games, I didn't try to get better at games, in fact, most of my games where single player with save states or checkpoints.  I'll get all the achievements in Souls-like games at some point, at my own passe.  That said, maybe what I personally need to do for now is, prepare for failure.  That is, learn how to react in case things don't go according to plan.

A lot of people tell me to lower my expectations. Lowering expectations is not bad advice.  After all, sometimes I do have unreasonably high expectations that we are bound not to meet and thus fail.  So, sure, it has proven to be helpful at times.  For e.g., it's ok if takes me a bit longer than I expected to finish something.  However, this can easily turn into downwards spiral for me.  By either lowering my expectations too much or too often, I end up having no expectations and thus no plans or goals, which justifies the avoidance that motivates addictive behavior.  In these cases, in hindsight, I believe what is lacking might be a counter balance of what I'm really afraid of: accountability.

There's no doubt in my mind that I was excessively held accountable by my peers and parents throughout my childhood.  I don't have vivid memories but I feel it's right to assume I was often shamed even when I was trying my best.  However, when I did succeed at something — video games, chess, grades, improv comedy —  boy I got praised for those.  So unsurprisingly, an all or nothing mindset ensued.  Nowadays however, these people are gone, and most of the damage is self-inflicted.  My parents see some of the damage they have done and my new peers are grown, more mature, and understanding; so am I to a reasonable extent.

Anw... I've been thinking and typing here for ~2 hours now.  I haven't really reached a conclusion as to what I should do but it does give me something to talk about with my therapist.

If you read through all of this, I'm so grateful 🥰.   I hope you manage to feel as safe, happy, and healthy as you reasonably can.💗  Take care folks. 😊

[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

Day 48 - Pandemic, Health Issues, & Social Media Addiction

I'm happy to say I've managed to maintain my version of video-game sobriety since Feb 16th. 😊 I am grateful towards myself for the mindfulness and wisdom that I've cultivated over the past couple of years.  I'm grateful to my friends, family, experts, and peers — in this community and many others —  for all the emotional support. 😌

That said, I'm not really satisfied with how I'm using all this free time.  For those that don't know me and my situation, I'm on Long-Term Disability because of mental health issues.  So, I have a whole lot of free time.  I've always had somewhat of an "addictive personality".  I think a more accurate and fair term would be "executive dysfunction" (something my therapist brings up every now and then).  Unsurprisingly, I find myself spending an excessive amount of time & energy talking (often arguing) with anonymous strangers online, watching videos, and studying topics around my hobbies.  Don't get me wrong, these things aren't inherently bad, it's the excess in the amount of time & energy spent doing these things that is.  I fear that if I don't look inward, try to understand my cravings and improve my "executive function", I'll find myself constantly replacing one addiction with another.

Here are a few pre-existing factors to consider:

Loneliness

I feel so freaking lonely.  I live alone and I'm pretty extroverted.  Human attention and physical touch mean a lot to me.  My social needs surely aren't being met this pandemic, which probably explains why I crave for attention on social media so much.

The other day, while I was out for a walk, I saw 2 couples randomly crossing each other's path and joyfully stopping to talk to each other.  I cried shortly after I walked by.  I was so sad that I had to return home, to be alone, again, for the upcoming 4 week state/province wide "lockdown" we had just entered.  I feel like crying now just talking about it. 

I think the best I can do for now is to take a self-compassion break whenever I feel the need to.  This is a situation I have little to no control over, where distress tolerance skills (self-soothing/calming distractions) and radical acceptance are key.

Sleep Apnea

Since the beginning of this journey, I have been diagnosed with mild sleep apnea.  If I understand correctly, under normal circumstances, I do not get the appropriate amount of R.E.M. ("deep") sleep.  No doubt that not getting the appropriate amount of sleep impairs my cognitive abilities. 

When I received this diagnosis, I neglected to try the recommended solution: a C.P.A.P. machine.  The traumatic medical experiences I've been through did not leave me keen on "hooking myself up" before going to bed.  However, I have tried several alternative solutions and they just haven't been working out for me.  On top of that, I have heard many personal accounts of the benefits and ease of use of this solution.  So, obviously, the most effective way forward is to at least try it.

Luckily, I have already taken a step forward in this direction and I will be talking to the respirologist over the phone later this week.

Dehydration

It's been noted several times throughout my life, even as a child, that I have dry eyes, mouth, and skin.  I also suspect that I may have a dry nasal cavities.  I've been using artificial tears, and saliva stimulating dental hygiene products (Biotène brand) for years now.  However, this hasn't really fixed my problems; overall I'm still very susceptible to eye infections and tooth cavities.

My dentist has recently recommended that I discuss Sjögren's syndrome with my G.P.  It is not unlikely, given my medical history, that I have developed some auto-immune disease(s) that have so far not been addressed (at least, according to this scientific article).  If I suffer from this disease, which leads to fatigue (as discussed above), it is likely that my cognitive abilities are impaired to some degree by this as well.

I really ought to set an appointment with my G.P. and insist that I get tested for multiple auto-immune diseases.

Diabetes

Diabetes -> dehydration & fatigue.  I've been occasionally testing my blood sugar and it always comes close to the recommended threshold despite all the dietary changes I'm making.  I feel as though the medication I'm taking is not optimal for me, we have already increased the dose and it feels like I'm still slowly but gradually getting worst.  In the past 3 years alone, I've went from fine to per-diabetic, to diabetic.  Considering what I said about auto-immune diseases above, I feel it's important to note that some forms of diabetes are auto-immune diseases.  I fear that I may have been misdiagnosed with the type that isn't treated as such.

Luckily I have an appointment with endocrinologist, over the phone, this week and I will discuss this further with him.

ADHD

It's no secret that "executive dysfunction" is a core symptom of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.  My psychologist has brought this up a few times.  When the physiological factors above are investigated and dealt with, if my executive dysfunction persists at the same rate, I ought to consider going for an ADHD test.

 

With all that said, maybe I shouldn't expect to be able to use most of my time effectively.  That's not to say I should stop resisting my cravings but just maybe be a little more forgiving for when I fail.  After all, as Sharon Salzberg (A popular Loving-Kindness Meditation teacher in the west) says: "Healing is in the return, [by] learning to begin again."

If you read through all of this, wow! Thank you so so much for your attention. 🙂  May you feel as safe, happy, and healthy as can be.💗

[[ACTIVITIES] Fufilling Social Needs During Pandemic Lockdown Without Gaming.]

Hey folks,

Sorry I haven't been actively following.  I have been chiming in with our Discord community every now and then throughout the month instead.

I've concluded by now that "Fun & Play" and "Human Connection" are core values to me, at least for now.  I it is unseasonable for me to expect "happiness" to stem from being "productive" and "independent" 24/7.  So, unsurprisingly, I've "naturally" come to follow some of your recommendations before even seeing your replies. 😊

Unfortunately, I had a little bit of a slip and became a mildly dependent on social media (Reddit, Youtube and Discord especially) and lost control of my daily routine of self-care.  Yesterday, I decided to uninstall the apps from my phone.  It's too easy to simply pickup my phone and start browsing, posting and replying before I realize an entire hour has passed. All the while, the intense emotions (good or bad) from the experience compel me to return time and time again.  We'll see how limiting this to my PC will deter some "impulse browsing".  I hope this will give me more time to take care of myself, interact with current peers, and less time with anonymous strangers (no offense).  Worst case, I'll have to look into means of stopping myself from posting or replying.  I'm not looking forward to leaving these platforms completely because it's also where I get a lot of tidbits of education and news from various subscriptions.

Still, as anonymous as this forum can be, I think I can assume that you all payed attention and tried to understand me; making this interaction far closer to my "Human Connection" value than the moral/political shitstorm I get into sometimes on Reddit and Youtube comment sections.  So, just to be clear to you folks, I do appreciate your advice here. 😇

Take care everyone.  And good luck on your paths. 😌

[[ACTIVITIES] Fufilling Social Needs During Pandemic Lockdown Without Gaming.]

You know what?  As plain and simple as it is, I think I've already experienced this and it works.  When I go shopping for groceries, I joke around a little bit with the staff sometimes and it feels great.

[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

Day 16 - *Nod*

My assumption that I would find it easier in time feels although it is slowly coming true.  I still haven't managed to stick to a schedule but at least I get somethings done.  The bordom, distress, and frustration I feel (which lead to cravings) are getting more manageable, or maybe I'm just getting better at managing them; probably both.

I feel I'm slowly converting my pessimistic self-fulfilling beliefs into more into more optimistic ones.  As I hand out more compassion and kindness towards myself and others, some of these assumptions end up being or becoming true; reinforcing the cognition and behavior in the process.  If you're going to experience confirmation bias, you might as well use it for good! AMIRIGHT FOLKS!?

To whoever reads this: may you feel safe, happy and healthy.

[Derealization]

On 2/18/2021 at 6:53 AM, Code said:

So in short, I understand that I'm ''supposed'' to feel like real world achievements have more value, but to me they simply don't have value. 

 

 

I feel you my friend.  It's day 7 for me and everything feels like "work".  Part of this is probably anhedonia where, after having relied on artificial stimulation for so long; the brain needs time to get the "natural" dopamine gears going.  Another part of this, personally, is probably all the negative feelings I've been avoiding through video games now free to wreak havoc; the mind needs time to learn how to identify and cope with pain and distress "properly" now.

I've been through a lot of therapy already so I have an advantage, I know my outlook can be inaccurate and feelings can change.  Like you, I'm tempted to believe that these "real world achievements [...] simply don't have value".  However, as much as it is a fact that I currently feel this way, I'm also confident it's a fact that this feeling will not last forever.  With perseverance, we can come to notice and nurture a fair amount of comfort (like safety and joy) in other aspects of our lives.  We are more than just gamers.

We are both grieving now my friend, letting go of something that felt so precious is difficult.  Let's give ourselves the time that we need to adapt.  🙏  Take care. ❤️

edit: Re-word some parts to seem less judgemental.

[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

Day 6 - Distress Tolerance and Tibetan Buddhism

The module that I am going through with my Dialectical Behavior Therapy group, recently, is centered around Distress Tolerance Skills.  During our last session we went over the Radical Acceptance skill and that's when I realized that I hadn't fully accepted my addiction to video-games.  Sure, I admitted I was addicted and tried to moderate my usage.  Regardless of the countless failed attempts however, I had been neglecting for a lto to take that final step and resort to abstinence.  It's a painful realization because so much of my memories and current identity feel rooted in gamer culture.  Anw... that night I decided to quit and the next morning I did the "purge" (uninstalled all my PC games).

I have been reading on and off about Buddhism.  If I consider myself religious someday it will be around this one.  The non-theistic approach to spiritual philosophy is quite interesting to me and many if the core practices (meditation) are recognized as beneficial in the fields of neuroscience and psychology.  Anw, last night I was furthering my reading of Beyond Religion by the Dalai Lama and what I encountered was very in tune with what has been discussed throughout the current module.  I was going to take notes anyways and I decided to do it here.

There is a word/expression in the Tibetan language that reminds me of Distress Tolerance: soe pa. This expression is often translated as patience, however, as with many foreign expressions, it entails more than this.    According to his holiness (the Dalai Lama), a more accurate translation into English would be forbearance because "It entails not giving in to our instinctive urge to respond negatively to our difficulties"; there is a sense of forgiveness and harmony to it.  The entire concept relies on 3 aspects to consider:

1. Forbearance towards the perpetrators of harm.
2. The acceptance of suffering.
3. The acceptance of reality.

The second one is what I learned from the most.  One of my main uses of video-games was to avoid short-term pain/discomfort.  One of the main reasons, I think, is because I did not learn to see the benefits to suffering but rather, that I should avoid it as much as possible.  Anw, the benefits of suffering where not listed neatly but here's what I get from the text:

• Suffering allows us, with empathy and compassion, to recognize kinship and bond with one another.
• Suffering can be a catalyst/motivation towards positive change/growth.

Just to be clear, accepting is not the same as submitting.  I'm not saying suffering consistently benefits us more than it does harm.  However, keeping this little tidbit of wisdom in mind does make short-term and/or inevitable suffering more tolerable, improving my chances to avoid "giving in to our instinctive urge to respond negatively".

If anyone else reads this, thank you.  May you feel safe, happy and healthy.  Take care.

[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

Day 5 - Meh

God damn, the cravings are strong right about now.  I haven't been taking good care of myself today and now I feel like shit.  I feel drowsy and gloomy.  I don't wana feel drowsy and gloomy.  I wana feel good, REAL GOOD.  Give me that stimulation baby! Yeaaaaeeeuuuuh! ... *sigh* Are things always going to feel this benign?  No.  Probably not.  There will be moments like this, when my desires/expectation far exceed what I can handle.  However, they too shall pass.  Seriously.  It's hard to believe but for all I know, I might feel great tomorrow.  I didn't sleep well last night.  I didn't eat well throughout the day.  I didn't fulfill all my daily goals/tasks but I did do some.  I don't need video-games.  They are not part of who I am.  I will learn to enjoy other things if I keep trying; I just need to persevere — i.e. give myself more time.  I resorted to games to find a delusional sense of comfort (safety and pleasure) for years, it will take time to find and nurture an authentic version of this sensation elsewhere.

I can do this.  I don't have to.  I choose to.  May I feel safe, happy and healthy.

[Intermitent Display Of Emotions]

I'm not gonna post everyday.  I'm not gonna follow a specific format.  I'm just going to come here when I have something to say in the hopes that someone will read it but not expecting anybody to.

[Can Online Chess become an addiction?]

I agree with what Cam has to say about Chess, it probably is riskier for many of us, especially at the start of our recovery/detox, because well... it's a game.  However, I must point out that working out also shouldn't be seen as holy "won't get addicted to this" this behavior either.  I've known some people who harmed themselves or caused harm for their loved ones to "reach that rep quota"; we can get addicted to that dopamine and endorphins you get with workouts.

I'm not an expert but I think addiction is that behavior that we just can't seem to stay away from or stop once your engaged in it despite the problems that it causes.  I know I'm vulnerable to this kind of behavioral pattern because of the generational abuse in my family (and maybe genetics from that same side of the family).  Whatever we do, however, whether it's going to the gym or playing chess, the key thing to be mindful of is our well-being: don't let that behavior or environment stop you from taking care of yourself and your loved ones.

Just look at Magnus Carlsen.  He currently the world chess champion in all categories he can participate in (Men's Classical, Blitz and Rapid FIDE World Championships).  He became world champion at the age of 19!  His peak FIDE ELO Rating is the highest we have ever seen by a human (bots are OP).  And you know what?  He's healthy as fuuuuuuuuuck.  He's got his people making sure he eats and exercises to enable peak performance.  And he's not the only one either.  Fabiano Caruana who challenged Magnus for the title in 2018 works out and plays tennis and goes on a diet to prepare for matches!  Sure, they're not Olympic level athletes but they have standards when it comes to health/fitness.  I don't know about you but personally, I find it amazing that the super-nerds I look up to eat their vegetables. xD

I am quitting video-games now because I constantly neglect my physical, mental and financial well-being to play them.  I played a bit of chess tonight, I studied some openings mostly... I can feel some craving to compete with my peers.  However, I wasn't super immersed in it, blinded or neglectful of the fact I was getting hungry and tired.  I managed to stop what I was doing, eat a meal before I came here.  If you (@NEXRAD) can control yourself, if chess doesn't stop you from doing what you need to get closer (or stay close) to your definition of well-being (a realistic one, I assume), then it's probably safe.  If you lose control, that's ok, I'm sure you're not the only one.  In that case, you will find something else and you will get better and understanding and seeing when you're about to fall into these patterns if you keep it trying, I'm sure.

Take care.

[[ACTIVITIES] Fufilling Social Needs During Pandemic Lockdown Without Gaming.]

What's up you amazing ding dongs!?

So, correct me if I'm wrong but is it not a common human need to "play" with other people every now and then.  I mean, is it not reasonable to have fun with other people every now and then?  Personally, I think I need one evening or afternoon dedicated to this at least once a week in order to be happy.

As you've probably noticed, this has become more and more difficult because of the global  Before quitting, video-games were a medium that enabled me to sort of circumvent these constraints; they didn't consistently feel as good as having people over or going out for an activity but it did provide some relief.  Even when I didn't play multiplayer games, at least I was distracted from my social cravings and sense of isolation/loneliness (although sometimes I made it worst by abusing that approach).

Does anyone have any advice or recommendations?  Is it rational to even try satisfying these cravings for the time being?  If so, where should I look?  What other social activities have you managed to do and enjoy remotely?

Thank you

[Introducing...]

Hey community,

First of all, I feel like I shouldn't take your time and attention for granted so... how are you? 🙂

My name is Patrick, though I have differing user names such as pdallair (or pdallair91), BuzyD (or buzy_d, or buzy-d), and TooManyNoodles (or 2ManyNoodleZ).  Pronouns: He/Him.

After trying and failing time and time again to moderate my "consumption" (EAT ALL THE FRAMES), I decided on Feb 12th 2021 to indefinitely abstain from most* video games.  I have uninstalled all of my PC games and put my consoles in storage.

Trigger Warning: Serious mental health issues

Folks,

Like most of you, I assume, I have been through a lot of traumatic shit throughout my entire life and this isn't the first time I deal with addictive behavior.  I'm not gonna dump it all right here and now but in Feb 2020, suffering from major depression, unable to get the psychiatric care (monitored prescription drug plan) that I reached out for, I had bought a rope with the intention of hanging myself.  Luckily, I was too lazy and geeky to go out to the store and buy a rope and I ordered it on Amazon.  This gave me time to think and reach out to my psychologist, who convinced me to go to my local ICU where my position in the psychiatric care waiting list was seriously advanced.  I've been through Short-Term Disability and am now on Long-Term Disability since.  I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I am going through lots of counseling and therapy (Dialectical Behavior Therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy).  There has been some noticeable progress. 🙌

Now, I feel quite privileged to have an income during this pandemic and job waiting for me to recover but let's not take this privilege for granted; it isn't going to last forever.  Every 4 to 8 weeks, my insurance company (yes, it's a private company that puts their profit margins above my well-being but hey, there's lots of room for improvement in the Canadian system), can "investigate" what I've been doing, how much I've progressed and whether I'm ready to go back to work or not.  In June 2021, I will need to go through a complete audit-like process in order to get a 2nd and last year of this Long-Term Disability benefit before they cut me off and the government gets involved.  But I have lots of free time right?  I could "easily" (according to some inhumane authorities) do some research, study, meditate, exercise, practice, organize, clean, recycle, upgrade, etc. to quickly get back on track!  ... But that's not what I crave the most... no, you know how it is for people like us?  Gotta get those achievements AMIRIGHT peeps!?  Gotta jump on those steam wishlist item that's on sale AMIRIGHT!?  Gotta play for 12 fucking hours while I put myself "invisible" on steam because I'm too ashamed to let people know I'm gaming AMIRIGHT!?  YOU KNOW I'M FU... *mic gets cut*... *deep breath*... *sigh*... every fuckin day I tell myself: "Tomorrow, I will do this and that.  You know?  Productive things!" But when the time comes: "just 1 hour, or 1 level, I deserve it, right?  I shouldn't be experiencing this much pain right?  Dear God, is doing the dishes really that painful?" The cycle repeats.  To be fair, even if we did have some UBI and I didn't have authorities breathing down my neck, I don't think I'd be happy to continue behaving like this.  I just keep procrastinating, not getting closer to my aspirations at a rate I find far from acceptable/admireable.

So here I am folks.  I've accepted the reality that my video game usage is currently causing me more pain than pleasure in the long-term and I'm going to do something about it.  I've managed to quit games before, when it weren't dealing with a global pandemic.  I don't remember exactly when and why I relapsed but I did.  I know this is going to be hard.  It's been less than 48 hours and I can feel distress and cravings rising within me but they too will pass.  It's going to take a while but it'll pass and I will learn to find joy in other aspects of my life; I was more than just a gamer.  And you can do this to.  We can do this, side by side.  Most of us will trip and fall sometimes, it's inevitable, but we will pick ourselves and each other up.  One of the most meaningful quotes I got recently was from Sharon Salzberg, a well known teacher in the Buddhist loving-kindness meditation circles, when she said "The healing is in the return; learning to begin again."  So, here I am, and some of you are and surely have been at some point, learning to begin again.

Thank you so much for being here, for reading this; having suffered from a lot of emotional neglect as a child, it means a lot for me to be seen, heard and understood.  May you feel safe, happy and healthy my friends.  Take care.

* I say most, for the time being, because I live alone and we are in pandemic lockdown here in Ottawa (the good ol' Canadian capital) and I need casual, fun, and friendly social interactions.  So I allow myself, occasionally, unless it proves to be too slippery of a slope, to play online board games, tabletop RPGs (via Tabletop Simulator and Roll20), and party games (like Jackbox Games and Among Us) with friends and peers (no randos [no offense if you're name is Rando]).  When the pandemic is over and people can finally start visiting each other safely again, I'm sure I will be able to find plenty of social activities that I would consider as "play" and don't involve this slippery slope.  Everyone needs to have fun every now and then.

EDITS: Fix typos, shit grammar and shit details that I noticed.