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pdallair91

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Everything posted by pdallair91

  1. You know what? As plain and simple as it is, I think I've already experienced this and it works. When I go shopping for groceries, I joke around a little bit with the staff sometimes and it feels great.
  2. Day 16 - *Nod* My assumption that I would find it easier in time feels although it is slowly coming true. I still haven't managed to stick to a schedule but at least I get somethings done. The bordom, distress, and frustration I feel (which lead to cravings) are getting more manageable, or maybe I'm just getting better at managing them; probably both. I feel I'm slowly converting my pessimistic self-fulfilling beliefs into more into more optimistic ones. As I hand out more compassion and kindness towards myself and others, some of these assumptions end up being or becoming true; reinforcing the cognition and behavior in the process. If you're going to experience confirmation bias, you might as well use it for good! AMIRIGHT FOLKS!? To whoever reads this: may you feel safe, happy and healthy.
  3. I feel you my friend. It's day 7 for me and everything feels like "work". Part of this is probably anhedonia where, after having relied on artificial stimulation for so long; the brain needs time to get the "natural" dopamine gears going. Another part of this, personally, is probably all the negative feelings I've been avoiding through video games now free to wreak havoc; the mind needs time to learn how to identify and cope with pain and distress "properly" now. I've been through a lot of therapy already so I have an advantage, I know my outlook can be inaccurate and feelings can change. Like you, I'm tempted to believe that these "real world achievements [...] simply don't have value". However, as much as it is a fact that I currently feel this way, I'm also confident it's a fact that this feeling will not last forever. With perseverance, we can come to notice and nurture a fair amount of comfort (like safety and joy) in other aspects of our lives. We are more than just gamers. We are both grieving now my friend, letting go of something that felt so precious is difficult. Let's give ourselves the time that we need to adapt. 🙏 Take care. ❤️ edit: Re-word some parts to seem less judgemental.
  4. Day 6 - Distress Tolerance and Tibetan Buddhism The module that I am going through with my Dialectical Behavior Therapy group, recently, is centered around Distress Tolerance Skills. During our last session we went over the Radical Acceptance skill and that's when I realized that I hadn't fully accepted my addiction to video-games. Sure, I admitted I was addicted and tried to moderate my usage. Regardless of the countless failed attempts however, I had been neglecting for a lto to take that final step and resort to abstinence. It's a painful realization because so much of my memories and current identity feel rooted in gamer culture. Anw... that night I decided to quit and the next morning I did the "purge" (uninstalled all my PC games). I have been reading on and off about Buddhism. If I consider myself religious someday it will be around this one. The non-theistic approach to spiritual philosophy is quite interesting to me and many if the core practices (meditation) are recognized as beneficial in the fields of neuroscience and psychology. Anw, last night I was furthering my reading of Beyond Religion by the Dalai Lama and what I encountered was very in tune with what has been discussed throughout the current module. I was going to take notes anyways and I decided to do it here. There is a word/expression in the Tibetan language that reminds me of Distress Tolerance: soe pa. This expression is often translated as patience, however, as with many foreign expressions, it entails more than this. According to his holiness (the Dalai Lama), a more accurate translation into English would be forbearance because "It entails not giving in to our instinctive urge to respond negatively to our difficulties"; there is a sense of forgiveness and harmony to it. The entire concept relies on 3 aspects to consider: Forbearance towards the perpetrators of harm. The acceptance of suffering. The acceptance of reality. The second one is what I learned from the most. One of my main uses of video-games was to avoid short-term pain/discomfort. One of the main reasons, I think, is because I did not learn to see the benefits to suffering but rather, that I should avoid it as much as possible. Anw, the benefits of suffering where not listed neatly but here's what I get from the text: Suffering allows us, with empathy and compassion, to recognize kinship and bond with one another. Suffering can be a catalyst/motivation towards positive change/growth. Just to be clear, accepting is not the same as submitting. I'm not saying suffering consistently benefits us more than it does harm. However, keeping this little tidbit of wisdom in mind does make short-term and/or inevitable suffering more tolerable, improving my chances to avoid "giving in to our instinctive urge to respond negatively". If anyone else reads this, thank you. May you feel safe, happy and healthy. Take care.
  5. Day 5 - Meh God damn, the cravings are strong right about now. I haven't been taking good care of myself today and now I feel like shit. I feel drowsy and gloomy. I don't wana feel drowsy and gloomy. I wana feel good, REAL GOOD. Give me that stimulation baby! Yeaaaaeeeuuuuh! ... *sigh* Are things always going to feel this benign? No. Probably not. There will be moments like this, when my desires/expectation far exceed what I can handle. However, they too shall pass. Seriously. It's hard to believe but for all I know, I might feel great tomorrow. I didn't sleep well last night. I didn't eat well throughout the day. I didn't fulfill all my daily goals/tasks but I did do some. I don't need video-games. They are not part of who I am. I will learn to enjoy other things if I keep trying; I just need to persevere — i.e. give myself more time. I resorted to games to find a delusional sense of comfort (safety and pleasure) for years, it will take time to find and nurture an authentic version of this sensation elsewhere. I can do this. I don't have to. I choose to. May I feel safe, happy and healthy.
  6. I'm not gonna post everyday. I'm not gonna follow a specific format. I'm just going to come here when I have something to say in the hopes that someone will read it but not expecting anybody to.
  7. I agree with what Cam has to say about Chess, it probably is riskier for many of us, especially at the start of our recovery/detox, because well... it's a game. However, I must point out that working out also shouldn't be seen as holy "won't get addicted to this" this behavior either. I've known some people who harmed themselves or caused harm for their loved ones to "reach that rep quota"; we can get addicted to that dopamine and endorphins you get with workouts. I'm not an expert but I think addiction is that behavior that we just can't seem to stay away from or stop once your engaged in it despite the problems that it causes. I know I'm vulnerable to this kind of behavioral pattern because of the generational abuse in my family (and maybe genetics from that same side of the family). Whatever we do, however, whether it's going to the gym or playing chess, the key thing to be mindful of is our well-being: don't let that behavior or environment stop you from taking care of yourself and your loved ones. Just look at Magnus Carlsen. He currently the world chess champion in all categories he can participate in (Men's Classical, Blitz and Rapid FIDE World Championships). He became world champion at the age of 19! His peak FIDE ELO Rating is the highest we have ever seen by a human (bots are OP). And you know what? He's healthy as fuuuuuuuuuck. He's got his people making sure he eats and exercises to enable peak performance. And he's not the only one either. Fabiano Caruana who challenged Magnus for the title in 2018 works out and plays tennis and goes on a diet to prepare for matches! Sure, they're not Olympic level athletes but they have standards when it comes to health/fitness. I don't know about you but personally, I find it amazing that the super-nerds I look up to eat their vegetables. xD I am quitting video-games now because I constantly neglect my physical, mental and financial well-being to play them. I played a bit of chess tonight, I studied some openings mostly... I can feel some craving to compete with my peers. However, I wasn't super immersed in it, blinded or neglectful of the fact I was getting hungry and tired. I managed to stop what I was doing, eat a meal before I came here. If you (@NEXRAD) can control yourself, if chess doesn't stop you from doing what you need to get closer (or stay close) to your definition of well-being (a realistic one, I assume), then it's probably safe. If you lose control, that's ok, I'm sure you're not the only one. In that case, you will find something else and you will get better and understanding and seeing when you're about to fall into these patterns if you keep it trying, I'm sure. Take care.
  8. What's up you amazing ding dongs!? So, correct me if I'm wrong but is it not a common human need to "play" with other people every now and then. I mean, is it not reasonable to have fun with other people every now and then? Personally, I think I need one evening or afternoon dedicated to this at least once a week in order to be happy. As you've probably noticed, this has become more and more difficult because of the global Before quitting, video-games were a medium that enabled me to sort of circumvent these constraints; they didn't consistently feel as good as having people over or going out for an activity but it did provide some relief. Even when I didn't play multiplayer games, at least I was distracted from my social cravings and sense of isolation/loneliness (although sometimes I made it worst by abusing that approach). Does anyone have any advice or recommendations? Is it rational to even try satisfying these cravings for the time being? If so, where should I look? What other social activities have you managed to do and enjoy remotely? Thank you
  9. Hey community, First of all, I feel like I shouldn't take your time and attention for granted so... how are you? 🙂 My name is Patrick, though I have differing user names such as pdallair (or pdallair91), BuzyD (or buzy_d, or buzy-d), and TooManyNoodles (or 2ManyNoodleZ). Pronouns: He/Him. After trying and failing time and time again to moderate my "consumption" (EAT ALL THE FRAMES), I decided on Feb 12th 2021 to indefinitely abstain from most* video games. I have uninstalled all of my PC games and put my consoles in storage. Trigger Warning: Serious mental health issues Folks, Like most of you, I assume, I have been through a lot of traumatic shit throughout my entire life and this isn't the first time I deal with addictive behavior. I'm not gonna dump it all right here and now but in Feb 2020, suffering from major depression, unable to get the psychiatric care (monitored prescription drug plan) that I reached out for, I had bought a rope with the intention of hanging myself. Luckily, I was too lazy and geeky to go out to the store and buy a rope and I ordered it on Amazon. This gave me time to think and reach out to my psychologist, who convinced me to go to my local ICU where my position in the psychiatric care waiting list was seriously advanced. I've been through Short-Term Disability and am now on Long-Term Disability since. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am going through lots of counseling and therapy (Dialectical Behavior Therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). There has been some noticeable progress. 🙌 Now, I feel quite privileged to have an income during this pandemic and job waiting for me to recover but let's not take this privilege for granted; it isn't going to last forever. Every 4 to 8 weeks, my insurance company (yes, it's a private company that puts their profit margins above my well-being but hey, there's lots of room for improvement in the Canadian system), can "investigate" what I've been doing, how much I've progressed and whether I'm ready to go back to work or not. In June 2021, I will need to go through a complete audit-like process in order to get a 2nd and last year of this Long-Term Disability benefit before they cut me off and the government gets involved. But I have lots of free time right? I could "easily" (according to some inhumane authorities) do some research, study, meditate, exercise, practice, organize, clean, recycle, upgrade, etc. to quickly get back on track! ... But that's not what I crave the most... no, you know how it is for people like us? Gotta get those achievements AMIRIGHT peeps!? Gotta jump on those steam wishlist item that's on sale AMIRIGHT!? Gotta play for 12 fucking hours while I put myself "invisible" on steam because I'm too ashamed to let people know I'm gaming AMIRIGHT!? YOU KNOW I'M FU... *mic gets cut*... *deep breath*... *sigh*... every fuckin day I tell myself: "Tomorrow, I will do this and that. You know? Productive things!" But when the time comes: "just 1 hour, or 1 level, I deserve it, right? I shouldn't be experiencing this much pain right? Dear God, is doing the dishes really that painful?" The cycle repeats. To be fair, even if we did have some UBI and I didn't have authorities breathing down my neck, I don't think I'd be happy to continue behaving like this. I just keep procrastinating, not getting closer to my aspirations at a rate I find far from acceptable/admireable. So here I am folks. I've accepted the reality that my video game usage is currently causing me more pain than pleasure in the long-term and I'm going to do something about it. I've managed to quit games before, when it weren't dealing with a global pandemic. I don't remember exactly when and why I relapsed but I did. I know this is going to be hard. It's been less than 48 hours and I can feel distress and cravings rising within me but they too will pass. It's going to take a while but it'll pass and I will learn to find joy in other aspects of my life; I was more than just a gamer. And you can do this to. We can do this, side by side. Most of us will trip and fall sometimes, it's inevitable, but we will pick ourselves and each other up. One of the most meaningful quotes I got recently was from Sharon Salzberg, a well known teacher in the Buddhist loving-kindness meditation circles, when she said "The healing is in the return; learning to begin again." So, here I am, and some of you are and surely have been at some point, learning to begin again. Thank you so much for being here, for reading this; having suffered from a lot of emotional neglect as a child, it means a lot for me to be seen, heard and understood. May you feel safe, happy and healthy my friends. Take care. * I say most, for the time being, because I live alone and we are in pandemic lockdown here in Ottawa (the good ol' Canadian capital) and I need casual, fun, and friendly social interactions. So I allow myself, occasionally, unless it proves to be too slippery of a slope, to play online board games, tabletop RPGs (via Tabletop Simulator and Roll20), and party games (like Jackbox Games and Among Us) with friends and peers (no randos [no offense if you're name is Rando]). When the pandemic is over and people can finally start visiting each other safely again, I'm sure I will be able to find plenty of social activities that I would consider as "play" and don't involve this slippery slope. Everyone needs to have fun every now and then. EDITS: Fix typos, shit grammar and shit details that I noticed.