DeathandOpportunity

Just told crappy father I wasn't going to deal with his shit when he started being jerkish. Feel damn strong about that.

I'm still alive and working through a lot more than just games. I'll share the details later, but it's all blabla (childhood torture, sexual abuse, assault). Working with several groups and a therapist, diagnosed with PTSD, hate family, etc. But here's the shit worth highlighting. 1) I've shared all the crazy shit I've endured with my wife and she still loves the hell out of me. Heck, she even sees how I'm pretty damn strong despite shit. 2) the more I face my traumas, the more I see myself as a badass instead of a fuckup. I mean, shit, most people aren't as strong as me even when they start with advantages. 3) I'll continue this list later.

Stuff's, happened. Some really traumatic shit happened to my family by my family last year. It interrupted school and my general ability to think straight. I left the state for safety. Now I'm working with a therapist for PTSD, corresponding with one teacher and trying to reach another to finish their courses so I can graduate. Working with a group therapy session as well. Peace.

And it's showing it! Are there any meetings within several hours of Davis? And, yes Hycniejsy, that would be great.

Glad to be back. Holy heck. I'm loving California.

Man. Lot of stuff went down with my family over the last couple months. Long story short, I realized they're pretty damn abusive to me. So, cutting ties with them. Also, moving to California. And tossing my gaming console in a pond.

Holy hell. Just finished a CSS & HTML course that was huge. Next challenge, celebrate without gaming. Probably gonna dance like an idiot in the living room.

Thanks Cam. I'm currently working on some entrepreneurial things while polishing my resume. Doing preliminary research on a teaching model I want to apply for my YouTube Channel.

Fell off the wagon pretty heavily. But I think it's been a helpful experience. I believe I was over-focused on avoiding gaming instead of focusing on life. Some things that happened: New Medicine, Concerta, for my ADHD. It makes it more natural to focus, which is both good and dangerous. Dangerous because I would get set into focused grooves of <h1>not gaming</h1>, rather than productivity. This zero-product work was exhausting me from a lack of direction and an waisted energy. Thus, video games actually came as a relief with their clear set goals. Code Academy: I've been using Code Academy as an alternative to gaming. It has clear set progression paths, challenges me, and even gives me Medals/Accomplishments for my completed work. I've done their SQL courses and am now taking HTML and CSS. Adjusted my goals: I was mapping my goals too heavily. This meant a lot of time getting eaten up in redrawing plans and a mass of measured failures, or things I didn't do that I had to cut loose. I've made my long term goals more flexible, learned to prioritize different goals, and picked up hobbies with better established progressions (Example: Code Academy) I did my graduation ceremony. I still have a couple summer classes, but I feel good for how it's made my family feel. Probably not gonna spend as much time on here as initially. While the community is helpful, spending more than 10 minutes a day here is in line with avoiding gaming rather than focusing on myself. If and when I fall off the wagon heavily, I'll definitely touch base and realign.

Look, regardless of the shit anyone's endured, none can completely identify with what you've been through. Traumas are these massive shit storms that we strive to understand years after they hit us. My ma had multiple personality disorder and lots of ptsd, so I ended up protecting and raising my older sisters and her regardless of my well being. So, I can't imagine what you survived, but I know it's been rough. Instead of feigning a slightest comprehension of your struggle, let me share some strengths and duties I've found through survival. You survived. This puts you well ahead of the majority of the human species. Fact is, it's easier to die than strive. Power to you. You faced shit. Most people who've endured extreme shit don't talk about it because it's considered taboo or poor discussion material. Thus, most people hide from their lives and hide their lives from others. This disenables them from growing from their hardships and disconnects them to the real world.

Please list and explain the tools you use to help your detox. I'd like to perfect my toolbox and I doubt I'm the only one. Mine: OneNote: I use this for to do lists and day planning by hour. At the end of the day, I make another day planner with what actually happened. This helps me stay organized and improves my self-awareness. Stop Watch: Whenever I start a new clean day I start my stop watch. I look at this whenever I get cravings. It's like a high score that I'd sacrifice if I slip. If I do slip, I restart it my watch when I restart my purge. Sudoku Book: I use this between places to fend off boredom. iPad: Allows me to keep OneNote and Stop Watch on one device. I do not, however, keep Sudoku or any other games here.

Dangerous times: Afternoons I start to lag a bit. Solutions I'm working right now: Take my anti-anxiety and Ritalin re-ups around noon. Coffee and nap @ 1. Check in with comrades. Dangerous tasks: These damned papers I'm trying to catch up on. I keep framing them as <Giant Megalithic Task of Doom> rather than micro tasks like I keep planning. No matter how I frame the things, it just seems like something overwhelming. I need to just say fuck it and roll my face against my keyboard until I got 2 essays. I might literally do that as a starting point.

Paul. I'll tell you what I wish someone had told me when I was young. Anger is good. The right response is not to "chill", that basically means stop being angry, stop caring, stop acknowledging your passion for a better world and a better you. You may as well be told to curl up and die. Of course you only got more upset! You were sitting on a wealth of empowerment and told it was bad. Unfortunately, that rhetoric is everywhere despite of how healthy anger is. Anger, like happiness, is a positive emotion that brings optimism and a sense that we can influence our world. Anger tells us that we can overcome the thing that angers us. In your case, anger was telling you that you can overcome failure and mockery. However, though anger is positive, it's not always rational. Unguided anger sees the most immediate and simple solution as the best one. Thus, though you could use that anger to fuel your ongoing after game practice, you took the most obvious solution of throwing things around. In the short term, this strategy worked. People probably stopped mocking you and you blocked out your embarrassment. In the long term, you only trained a shitty short-sighted anger response that actually robs you of the potential good your anger can bring. So, fuck counting to ten, fuck deep breathing, and fuck all other distracter tasks. Look at why you're angry and what long term benefits you can achieve if you channel your anger appropriately. Write it down, rate your anger, write your plan, and revisit the issue when your thinking clears. Your not trying to not be angry. You're trying to use a valuable resource wisely. Anger can be the fuel you channel to bring change. Or, it can be the fuel you use to burn bridges and burn out.

Report: Alcohol: just gonna cut it out altogether for my detox. Too many celebrations in my community right now as friends graduate. TV: Restricting target behaviors to certain conditions is easy to cheat. Thus, reinforcing "only with friends" plan for watching my shows by actually contacting them to plan said showings. Career: Got a coding and career mentor. So, learning SQL for the next month. Fitness: cheating myself by making up for the calories burned with extra food. Mindset: I'm paying more attention to my thoughts and feelings throughout the day. I tend to maintain some underlying irritability and anger alongside my typical emotions. Cool thing is that people around me accept the validity of my emotions without the need for details. Thus, I don't have to choose between dealing with other folks' emotional shock from harsh topics or a cognitive schism from saying something unobtrusive but utter crap. So, I can tell my girl or friends that I'm angry or irritable, but that I'm not comfortable talking about why.

Smart. I'll see if I can transfer similar skills and mindsets. I did a lot of Roguelikes, which consist of not knowing what's going on while building a good strategy and learning from mistakes. Shoot, I've made a lot of mistakes doing detox so far. However, I've been adapting my strategy to account for more surprises as I go. Heck, as far as experience goes, even a build that fails isn't a loss, because it helps me with future builds.

Yo, I discovered that if I drink too much, I "what the hell" myself into an ugly cycle of gaming, mindless browsing, and porn. So, frack. Also, I'm starting to see a temptation to post on Game Quitters and neglect other responsibilities. So, gonna work with the wife on making this a scheduled, intentional thing.

I tend to slip after a few beers to. The lowered inhibitions lets me forget why I give a damn.

Progress Report: Alcohol past two shots makes me stumble when I slip up. Thus, late last night I played solitaire on my computer which led to memebase, cookie clicking, and roguelikes then bled into this morning with more roguelikes and porn. It was like a cascade of "what the hell" effects So, limiting alcohol consumption to two shots per four hours unless required for negotiations or networking. That happens enough that I'll coordinate with my partner for a recovery model.Despite relapse, my strategy worked really freaking well for me. Getting back on track required a long hard look at how easily declaring the day lost would extend into weeks and months lost. I'm gonna write on a calendar "just one day" on every day left to show where that thinking leads.Mandarin: Měilì. That's Mandarin for beautiful. Gonna work on pronouncing that for a while.Career: My resume looks like hot shit once I calculate and add dollar signs to the things I've done in the army. Submitted two resumes listing multi-million dollar management tasks that I did as an enlisted. Now worried they might think I'm overqualified. (plug)If any of you consider military to escape poverty and reclaim your life, talk to me. It's rough as hell, but damned viable.Fitness: Wife and I've added an hour of walking to Friday and Saturday by parking in the commuter parking rather than on sight. She's happy.

Pulling this from April Challenge because this will be an ongoing development: Commitment: No video games (not even computer solitaire or minesweeper), no Memebase, no WatchMojo or Game Theorists videos, no porn, two drink limit, no Tinder/OkCupid/Omegle, and abstaining from my shows unless watching with a friend.Risk times (incomplete list): Late at night while waiting for wife to come to bed. Her "give me a minute" can last an hour. So, express my need for communication and set up some bedside, non-electronic time consumers like Sudoku.After class while waiting. Basically, any time I don't have a set schedule.Exceptions & Alternatives: AsapScience and CrashCourse are great entertainment that motivate me to interact rather than withdraw. Have some learn Chinese apps and developing Quizlet flashcards for the dead time in between tasks.Duration of Challenge: Shiiiiiiiiit. I'm super wary of the "what the hell" effect. Failing on these challenges leads to BIG relapse for me. So, I'll stratify my commitment.Duration challenges:Bronze One week, Silver two weeks, Gold a monthRelapse Challenges (days lost): bronze ten, silver five, gold two, plutonium NullRelapse Challenges (longest relapse): bronze three days, silver two days, gold one day, plutonium NullGive me your feedback on whether you think this kind of set up helps or hinders. Results may vary between individuals obviously. I see the benefit of tiered achievements creating frequent and relevant rewards but also the detriment of an overly complex system.Goals?Mandarin: Tell my girl she's beautiful and order at local Chinese dinner without pointing at the menu or pictures.Education: By honest with my study buddy about the shit semester (three deaths via drunk driver, one via suicide, etc.) I've had and get his help on three overdue papers.Career: Figure out some damn career goal and contribute money to the household. I hated my army job, but I need to see if I like its civilian equivalent (logistics management). Ice breaker for those employers is the New Silk Road.Music: Unless I find an instrument I can carry in pocket for under ten dollars, nope. Fitness: Wife and I have goal of 20 minute walks twice a week as established routine. We've already failed so far attempting morning walks (I stagger like zombie, she sleeps like log). We're walking home instead of taking the bus tonight.Legal: Track down traffic ticket that I lost and need to pay for. Seriously, I feel like a jerk for neglecting this.Why I'm doing this:Because, well, Damn it! Debt sucks, I want to work in a more social field, I want to inspire my nieces & nephews, I want to feel stronger purpose.

Note to self: measure the alcohol put in my mixed drinks. Those two screwdrivers hit like power drills. So, cheated myself at my two drink limit which led to relapse on web browsing and gaming. A lot of this really is about intentionality. So, instead of allowing myself two drinks with a friend, I'll plan two drinks with a friend. Framing it actively should make me more conscious of what I'm doing.

Thanks Cam. Ok, first day of complete detox. No games, no porn, no memebase, no collegehumor, no relief. Bored and demotivated. Well, fuck motivation.

Going Stunde Null on this: Commitment: No video games (not even computer solitaire or minesweeper), no Memebase, no WatchMojo or Game Theorists videos, no porn, two drink limit, no Tinder/OkCupid/Omegle, and abstaining from my shows unless watching with a friend.Risk times (incomplete list): Late at night while waiting for wife to come to bed. Her "give me a minute" can last an hour. So, express my need for communication and set up some bedside, non-electronic time consumers like Sudoku.After class while waiting. Basically, any time I don't have a set schedule.Exceptions & Alternatives: AsapScience and CrashCourse are great entertainment that motivate me to interact rather than withdraw. Have some learn Chinese apps and developing Quizlet flashcards for the dead time in between tasks.Duration of Challenge: Shiiiiiiiiit. I'm super wary of the "what the hell" effect. Failing on these challenges leads to BIG relapse for me. So, I'll stratify my commitment.Duration challenges:Bronze One week, Silver two weeks, Gold a monthRelapse Challenges (days lost): bronze ten, silver five, gold two, plutonium NullRelapse Challenges (longest relapse): bronze three days, silver two days, gold one day, plutonium NullGive me your feedback on whether you think this kind of set up helps or hinders. Results may vary between individuals obviously. I see the benefit of tiered achievements creating frequent and relevant rewards but also the detriment of an overly complex system.Goals?Mandarin: Tell my girl she's beautiful and order at local Chinese dinner without pointing at the menu or pictures.Education: By honest with my study buddy about the shit semester (three deaths via drunk driver, one via suicide, etc.) I've had and get his help on three overdue papers.Career: Figure out some damn career goal and contribute money to the household. I hated my army job, but I need to see if I like its civilian equivalent (logistics management). Ice breaker for those employers is the New Silk Road.Music: Unless I find an instrument I can carry in pocket for under ten dollars, nope. Fitness: Wife and I have goal of 20 minute walks twice a week as established routine. We've already failed so far attempting morning walks (I stagger like zombie, she sleeps like log). We're walking home instead of taking the bus tonight.Legal: Track down traffic ticket that I lost and need to pay for. Seriously, I feel like a jerk for neglecting this.Why I'm doing this:Because, well, Damn it! Debt sucks, I want to work in a more social field, I want to inspire my nieces & nephews, I want to feel stronger purpose.

Good advice. How do you keep yourself from going overboard? I find myself fixating on ALL the things I need to do and scheduling 48 hours of work for a 24 hour day. Part of this is playing catch up with what my younger self expected of me, part of this is fulfilling obligations to family, friends and school, and little of this seems like something to do for myself. Well, 48 hours doesn't fit into a day, so I end up starting behind schedule with no way of catching up. Trying to catch up with a lifetime is unrealistic, I know. I don't know another mindset.

Not feeling motivated to do some school work. Well, fuck motivation.

Shoot. My girl and I woke up late today, so I rushed her to school before coming back home to get ready. Going back turned into this amorphous morning of wtf, two drinks, and browsing. Originally, had only planned for 15 minutes of surfing, but that turned into "What the hell" and steadily grew to three hours. So, unscheduled wtf time is definitely a danger zone for me. I can often overcome this by opening my OneNote everything file and planning out my next actions. This works best with iPad, so I'm gonna start leaving my computer in the car. A cool lesson learned though: Going on forum and addressing this is both empowering and frustrating. It's empowering because it acknowledges this scary drain on my life and it's frustrating because I want to get away from the damned computer and get back to life already. Peace Comrades.