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About DeathandOpportunity

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  • Birthday 02/16/1987

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  1. Just told crappy father I wasn't going to deal with his shit when he started being jerkish. Feel damn strong about that.
  2. I'm still alive and working through a lot more than just games. I'll share the details later, but it's all blabla (childhood torture, sexual abuse, assault). Working with several groups and a therapist, diagnosed with PTSD, hate family, etc. But here's the shit worth highlighting. 1) I've shared all the crazy shit I've endured with my wife and she still loves the hell out of me. Heck, she even sees how I'm pretty damn strong despite shit. 2) the more I face my traumas, the more I see myself as a badass instead of a fuckup. I mean, shit, most people aren't as strong as me even when they start with advantages. 3) I'll continue this list later.
  3. Stuff's, happened. Some really traumatic shit happened to my family by my family last year. It interrupted school and my general ability to think straight. I left the state for safety. Now I'm working with a therapist for PTSD, corresponding with one teacher and trying to reach another to finish their courses so I can graduate. Working with a group therapy session as well. Peace.
  4. And it's showing it! Are there any meetings within several hours of Davis? And, yes Hycniejsy, that would be great.
  5. Glad to be back. Holy heck. I'm loving California.
  6. Man. Lot of stuff went down with my family over the last couple months. Long story short, I realized they're pretty damn abusive to me. So, cutting ties with them. Also, moving to California. And tossing my gaming console in a pond.
  7. Holy hell. Just finished a CSS & HTML course that was huge. Next challenge, celebrate without gaming. Probably gonna dance like an idiot in the living room.
  8. Thanks Cam. I'm currently working on some entrepreneurial things while polishing my resume. Doing preliminary research on a teaching model I want to apply for my YouTube Channel.
  9. Fell off the wagon pretty heavily. But I think it's been a helpful experience. I believe I was over-focused on avoiding gaming instead of focusing on life. Some things that happened: New Medicine, Concerta, for my ADHD. It makes it more natural to focus, which is both good and dangerous. Dangerous because I would get set into focused grooves of <h1>not gaming</h1>, rather than productivity. This zero-product work was exhausting me from a lack of direction and an waisted energy. Thus, video games actually came as a relief with their clear set goals. Code Academy: I've been using Code Academy as an alternative to gaming. It has clear set progression paths, challenges me, and even gives me Medals/Accomplishments for my completed work. I've done their SQL courses and am now taking HTML and CSS. Adjusted my goals: I was mapping my goals too heavily. This meant a lot of time getting eaten up in redrawing plans and a mass of measured failures, or things I didn't do that I had to cut loose. I've made my long term goals more flexible, learned to prioritize different goals, and picked up hobbies with better established progressions (Example: Code Academy) I did my graduation ceremony. I still have a couple summer classes, but I feel good for how it's made my family feel. Probably not gonna spend as much time on here as initially. While the community is helpful, spending more than 10 minutes a day here is in line with avoiding gaming rather than focusing on myself. If and when I fall off the wagon heavily, I'll definitely touch base and realign.
  10. Censoring swear words censors assholes like me. Look, the moment you start blocking vulgarity is the point where you start excluding many walks of life. The fact is, I can either describe the dead bodies I've seen or simply say friends got fucked. I can describe the abuse I've watched family and friends endure or I can summarize it as a shit storm. I can talk about friends fucking themselves over, or I can talk about friends getting hooked on meth and burying their dreams beneath denial and a thousand "some day"s until they finally wash them away with alcohol. However, I don't have enough tears to face all this honest full disclosure without some bullshit barrier between me and the death, self destruction, and hatred that entails. That's why I swear like a fucking asshole who strives even to give a damn about all the bullshit bitching I have to do. I've buried too many young friends and accepted too much self-destruction of others to communicate, as my honest and genuine self, in any other way. I respect your sensitivities. Thus, with fellow soldiers and comrades I encourage "respectable" public behavior. However, here, in this forum, I hope to be open and honest with you. This entails some extreme vulgarity. However, this vulgarity is aimed at protecting me and men and women like me who know their grief makes unpleasant conversation but have little honest recourse. This is not aimed at offending or discouraging others. This is aimed at finding a voice no matter how hoarse or angry. Are there better ways to communicate? Probably, and I hope to learn them. Remember, some of us started gaming because it offered a world where we could make a difference.
  11. Look, regardless of the shit anyone's endured, none can completely identify with what you've been through. Traumas are these massive shit storms that we strive to understand years after they hit us. My ma had multiple personality disorder and lots of ptsd, so I ended up protecting and raising my older sisters and her regardless of my well being. So, I can't imagine what you survived, but I know it's been rough. Instead of feigning a slightest comprehension of your struggle, let me share some strengths and duties I've found through survival. You survived. This puts you well ahead of the majority of the human species. Fact is, it's easier to die than strive. Power to you. You faced shit. Most people who've endured extreme shit don't talk about it because it's considered taboo or poor discussion material. Thus, most people hide from their lives and hide their lives from others. This disenables them from growing from their hardships and disconnects them to the real world.
  12. Please list and explain the tools you use to help your detox. I'd like to perfect my toolbox and I doubt I'm the only one. Mine: OneNote: I use this for to do lists and day planning by hour. At the end of the day, I make another day planner with what actually happened. This helps me stay organized and improves my self-awareness. Stop Watch: Whenever I start a new clean day I start my stop watch. I look at this whenever I get cravings. It's like a high score that I'd sacrifice if I slip. If I do slip, I restart it my watch when I restart my purge. Sudoku Book: I use this between places to fend off boredom. iPad: Allows me to keep OneNote and Stop Watch on one device. I do not, however, keep Sudoku or any other games here.
  13. Dangerous times: Afternoons I start to lag a bit. Solutions I'm working right now: Take my anti-anxiety and Ritalin re-ups around noon. Coffee and nap @ 1. Check in with comrades. Dangerous tasks: These damned papers I'm trying to catch up on. I keep framing them as <Giant Megalithic Task of Doom> rather than micro tasks like I keep planning. No matter how I frame the things, it just seems like something overwhelming. I need to just say fuck it and roll my face against my keyboard until I got 2 essays. I might literally do that as a starting point.
  14. Paul. I'll tell you what I wish someone had told me when I was young. Anger is good. The right response is not to "chill", that basically means stop being angry, stop caring, stop acknowledging your passion for a better world and a better you. You may as well be told to curl up and die. Of course you only got more upset! You were sitting on a wealth of empowerment and told it was bad. Unfortunately, that rhetoric is everywhere despite of how healthy anger is. Anger, like happiness, is a positive emotion that brings optimism and a sense that we can influence our world. Anger tells us that we can overcome the thing that angers us. In your case, anger was telling you that you can overcome failure and mockery. However, though anger is positive, it's not always rational. Unguided anger sees the most immediate and simple solution as the best one. Thus, though you could use that anger to fuel your ongoing after game practice, you took the most obvious solution of throwing things around. In the short term, this strategy worked. People probably stopped mocking you and you blocked out your embarrassment. In the long term, you only trained a shitty short-sighted anger response that actually robs you of the potential good your anger can bring. So, fuck counting to ten, fuck deep breathing, and fuck all other distracter tasks. Look at why you're angry and what long term benefits you can achieve if you channel your anger appropriately. Write it down, rate your anger, write your plan, and revisit the issue when your thinking clears. Your not trying to not be angry. You're trying to use a valuable resource wisely. Anger can be the fuel you channel to bring change. Or, it can be the fuel you use to burn bridges and burn out.
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