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Arthur

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  1. @Erik2.0 This is a great thing to hear! Congratulations on being sober for this long, I wish you all the strength and discernment to never start abusing again. I quit smoking a year and a half ago, and I intend to be smoking-free for life. @Ikar Life needs balance. There is such a wide variety of psychological needs that we should take care of (in a healthy way) that I am convinced any type of "one-sided" living will result in problems after a while. A couple of my extended family members invested almost all they've got into their professions, they've made themselves successful but they are pretty unhappy now that they are in their 40s. There is a lot of reasons why you remind me of a younger version of myself. This is almost exactly what I would say 5-6 years ago, lol. In my experience, I talked that way because I still didn't have a clear picture of myself, didn't know how far I can go (be careful Ikarus, Sun does heat up quicky), nor who I want to become in the end. I am glad I went through those difficult times because it made me more humble and in the end created a more realistic vision of myself. A vision that more openly and realistically recognizes my flaws and celebrates my strengths. Also, when it comes to keeping promises, I decided a few years ago i want to become a man that does rely on and keeps up his promises. I am getting better and better at it.
  2. @jakeyb540 I support you doing that! We almost inevitably surround ourselves with people who are in similar situation and mindset as we are. So when we decide to change and take a different course in life, it is often the case we need to distance ourselves a bit from people who are close to us. I've went through that a couple of times in my life already, and I am going through the same thing again, although this time it is not connected to gaming, (none of my real life friends play video games) it has more to do with an attitude towards life - some of my closest people are way too cynical and intellectually arrogant, because for the longest time I was too (I still am in lots of subtle ways).
  3. @jakeyb540 Hey jakey, welcome to the forum and I wish you best of luck in quitting gaming for good. If you interact with them only when you are playing games together, they are not your friends but your buddies you hang out with. If you enjoy their characters and personalities, ask them out to other activities, like playing sports together or just have a walk and talk with each other. But don't let yourself be pulled back into their habits. You will find new people easily, a lot of us are in dire need of friends, especially those who share our hobbies, outlooks and aspirations. If your current buddies do not, then ask yourself why do you even prefer them over other people? Just because coincidentally you stumbled upon each other first? But that's not important at all.
  4. @Erik2.0 Yes, it is. My ideal is to do everything with a calm mindset, with vigor and determination. But I need to be careful not to become lethargic and sleepy when i am calm. At this particular stage of my development it sometimes helps if some unrest is present so it puts me in motion, or else I might do nothing. Hey @Ikar, I am glad you've read my whole journal! I would love to go through your complete journal eventually as well, congratulations for sticking to if for so long. I know that I shouldn't be seeking dates right now. But if it happens that I stumble upon a girl that I think deserves my attention regardless of my current situation, I will pursue her. But I will surely not sacrifice my other obligations and dreams to do so. I need to be patient. My problem with not being able to reject people was not out of fear of offending them. I was guilt ridden. I thought that I am not paying enough attention to others that care about me, that I am selfishly preoccupied with either myself or my problems or my interests, and that I am not giving enough of myself to them, so I was forcing myself. I felt like i am failing to be a good friend, that i am failing to be a sincere and loyal. All those feelings sprang from my depression. In my deep depression, I was lethargic, melancholic, weak and had obviously a pretty bad opinion of myself. Friendships with women and with man are significantly different in my experience. I enjoy both and find value in both. What I care more is the quality of the person and less about their gender, but gender does play a big role in different dynamics that your friendship will go through. For example, almost universally, I need to be more gentle with women and how I approach them, then I am with men. He is a wise man! A couple of years ago i listened to a podcast between him and Peterson, but I never followed him. The other day I had a weird coincidence. Soon after I decided I will get into judo and ju-jitsu, I stumbled upon one of his videos about masculinity and I decided to watch it. And, like... 2 minutes into the video talking about what a man should do in his life he says "learn ju-jitsu", hahah, it cracked me up. I sure will mister Jocko! I am considering kicking drinking as well, yes! In Vedic spirituality, alcohol is considered a strong impediment to spiritual progress, so that is my biggest reason. Eventually, I think I will either stop drinking for good, or I will limit it to a bare minimum, drinking a glass of wine with other people to celebrate a birthday or a wedding, et cetera. The thing is... I don't have a problem with alcohol. I neither drink a lot nor often. Birthday of my friend was an exception to the rule. So it is not on top of my priorities. (I think I didn't take a sip of alcohol since that day, which is a decent indication of my drinking habits)
  5. @Erik2.0 Thank you for the encouragement, I decided I will take a positive outlook on the last couple of days and just appreciate they are still way better and more constructive than my gaming days. As for Veronika, yeah, she suffered a lot in life besides that as well, sadly. She seems to be doing better in the last year, hope the trend continues. Entry 22 (day 35): Mood: Haven't talked about my mood directly in last couple of entries. It's because it is more or less neutral in a positive way (except post-fight with Veronika). Yesterday I was level-headed and calm, I felt quite peaceful and undisturbed. In retrospect, the only thing I was lacking was a bit of passion, I like to be high energy. Things I've done: Journal entry with coffee done the dishes gym (started deadlifting again after a long time, finally) vacuumed the living room (moved furniture around to do it properly) cleaned the dust from top of the tall furniture (It hasn't been done in 6 months, dust galore) had an hour and a half nap meditated studied for 3 hours did laundry unclogged my sink with a product I bought took extra effort to avoid junk food* This is pretty good I would say, but I am still studying less than I need to be. * I decided I will be "cutting" for the next 2 months. I want to lose 10 to 12 pounds (5 kg) in that period. I want to get to a lower body fat percentage to look more muscular and lose those irritating love-handles I have for the longest time. I am not fat, I am 6'4 (193 cm) and have 200 lbs (91 kg) at the moment, I just want to look slightly leaner. Important thoughts: I tried to reflect upon my progress in willpower. It is better than it used to be, for example - if someone abruptly asks me to do a small thing for them, like call a person x and tell them something, I will just do it without any bickering or internal struggle. I have this new little voice in my head that says "Alright, let's do this." Also, obviously I am well motivated to do work around the house, because results are immediate. I sadly do have problems with motivating myself to study because it induces stress and rewards are not immediate. It's the most painful activity in the day. My focus starts slipping, my energy levels drop, I start yawning like CRAZY. I guess this just means I need to push myself harder and that's it. I have to believe it will get better after a while. Daily gratitude: I am grateful for every time someone has been compassionate towards me.
  6. @WhatAboutToday? It is totally normal not having a drive to do something productive after you just quit your addiction. Your body naturally wants to do something when it is trained/accustomed to getting a reward from it (dopamine, serotonin, et cetera). Addiction is a quick hack that messes with the reward system, it easily activates it. When your body doesn't get what it used to do for its reward (in this case, what you are addicted to), it first focuses on self-preservation and tries to remind you to get what it craves, "go play games, go masturbate, if you don't I will make you suffer". So basically, you first need to have at least a week if not 2 weeks of just fighting with your craves, and then the body will say "ok, I guess this thing X I am forcing him to give me is out of stock/impossible to get anymore, I guess I will stop bugging him with pain, its not working... Let's find another way to satisfy my needs", and it will open up for some new behavior. When this happens, you need to incorporate productive and healthy habits and goals, if you want to avoid getting a new addiction or eventually relapsing. Also, in general - you need to accept that you have trained your body to be lazy. It easily got what it wanted for so long. Now, it will produce resistance towards a more difficult activities, it will still try to search for a quick fix. You need to fight it with your will. You need to make it different. It's totally doable. Bodies can get used to almost anything if we push them for long enough.
  7. @Erik2.0 5 hours is a pretty long talk, especially when you are on the defensive for the most of it. She restated her critique (and expanded it) maybe 4 times after I already said i understand it and accept it, and agree with her to a large degree. She either didn't believe I actually got what she was saying or she was still venting her unconscious frustrations, probably both actually. She even said at two points that she feels like I am gaslighting her because we remember the incident a bit differently, which is a serious accusation but I am glad it didn't put me over the edge. She was with a dude that lied to her for 2 years and cheated with 30 girls or something like that. She has deep trust issues. Entry 22 (day 35) - recuperation I couldn't sleep for long because of the stress, I slept for maybe 4 hours. This set me up for a pretty low quality morning. I needed to process the argument so I've written my yesterdays entry, had a cup of coffee, washed the dishes and watched some youtube. Then i noticed I ain't getting any better either emotionally or in regards to my energy levels and decided I will meditate. I meditated for an hour and 15 minutes, which is one of the longest meditation sessions I ever did, and I decided I will dedicate my day to reading the scriptures and maybe even meditating some more later. I read for hours, and I've listened to a great talk from a guru about how to deepen your devotional meditation. Also had a 2 hour nap between it all to compensate for earlier. I can gladly say that this clash with Veronika seems as if it happened 2 months ago, I am over it. I've decided I will be waking up a bit earlier from now on (around 7 am) and do my coffee-journal-gym-meditation routine as early as possible, so I start the day with faster tempo and have a lot of time to study. Let's see how it goes today, I am about to finish my coffee and my journal entry. This just feels right, I am excited. P.S. Yesterday was the first day after a looong time that I got a reflex urge to go to twitch. I unconsciously opened a new tab with that idea, and then I noticed it happening and stopped it. Also, when I was napping, I had a detailed dream of watching porn on youtube, I woke up with a strong erection but I managed to restrain myself. (I masturbated 3 days ago and i don't intend to masturbate again for another week. I am generally pretty satisfied about how I am sexually restraining myself since I've stopped watching porn) This just proves that my addictions are an unhealthy coping mechanism. They want to pull me lower when i am already down. But I won't let them.
  8. This is limited for the religious, but I recommend this because it works for me. When you pray to God, make a promise that you will not masturbate for the x amount of days. I successfully quit porn a month ago and I severely reduced my masturbation, and this helped me a lot.
  9. Arthur

    Helen's diary.

    Hi Helen, I wish you best of luck in your journey. This might be tough and you might fail a couple of times, but if you keep to your decision and you know you are ultimately doing what is better for you, you will make it.
  10. @GrainSiloEnthusiast Thank you for offering me this positive perspective. I'll try to view it in that light. Bikeride and the scenery had a positive effect on me, for sure. I just wished it was a planned sabbatical 🙂 @Erik2.0 As I am both competitive and self-improve-y myself, I understand your craves for progress. Nothing wrong with it. On the other hand - it's to be expected out of every skill that there will come a time that progress will slow down. In the gym it's called - "beginner gains" and I think it applies to almost every skill. "I got my beginner gains, now if I want to progress I need to push myself twice as hard as before and expect twice as slow a progress than before." But in order to do that, one really needs to make a decision and invest himself into something particular and be patient. Gym is worth it for me, and as I've said I am going to add on top of it Judo and Ju-jitsu to expand my physical fitness and strength in other directions as well. I really feel you should pick up your guitar 😄 Entry 21 (day 34) - Emotionally rough (fight with Veronika) Ok, so... First half of the day went perfectly. I did laundry, dishes, had a cup of coffee, had a good meditation, written my journal and studied for an hour and then I had to go to an early meeting with my 3 female friends (Veronika, Becky that celebrated her birthday a week ago, and Nina) because Nina finally returned to the city after 3 months of living across the country. Anyways, it all went well and was fun except me and Veronika had a short clash during the discussion about a certain personal issue. To an outsider, this might seem just a temporary ego clash between two people, especially because it was really short, but it's roots are actually really deep. I felt it and I needed to discuss it when I came home... And we spent the next 5 hours talking about it via voice massages. I am drained. I will not go into details, but the gist of it is that she has some deep rooted emotional issues with me and my certain character traits and flaws. I knew that. Because we both idealize each other and then we are hurt when we are reminded we are far from ideal. Those issues are one of the main reasons we self-destructed a year ago. But the thing is - she exaggerates some of my flaws and misunderstands some parts of my character. I know she doesn't do it because she wants to be malignant and hurt me, it is because she is imperfect and she is hurt, and she is afraid I might be that exaggerated version she fears I am, and she wants me to be a better person and she is still resentful about the past. Personally, I often feel as if she wants me so bad to be an ideal man, like a saint, like a god, like a hero, because she is generally deeply disappointed in men. I want to be like that as well, and I am working on myself constantly. But I obviously ain't that at this point, and maybe I never will be. We actually ended the conversation in the good light, she even said "I really have to work it out with myself, I need to understand myself better. I don't know why am I so harsh on you, why I put all this standards on your behavior", and then I said that it's also vice versa. We again expressed love towards each other and called it a day. I am emotionally drained. This reminds me so much of the unhealthy relationship my family had. You love your father deeply but you are hurt by him, so you are triggered by the tiniest of things he does wrong, and lash out because you want it so badly for him to be different and your relationship to be better, but then he is hurt by your lash-out and he lashes back because he is hurt and he wants things to be different and you to be perfect and so the vicious cycle continues. The only way to break the cycle is to first stop the wheel and make first steps yourself, don't expect it from the other person, not because "you are better then them", but because you should never shift responsibility. I need to really deeply forgive her that she does what she does, and I have to forgive myself that I am not her ideal person, because of course I want so hard to be. (both because I want the best of myself and because I want her approval) I miss my ex so much in this moment. She loved me so genuinely and deeply as a man, not only as a person. Having that in life is wonderful. Daily gratitude: I am grateful for my ex, Tina. She healed so much of my wounds. Edit: After all of this I was under a lot of stress so I had a crave to masturbate, or drink alcohol, or binge-watch something to forget. Didn't do either of those, I made a healthy decision and went to sleep. I don't want any more substitute pleasures in life, I don't want to live vicariously, I want real accomplishments, I want deeper satisfaction. I am done with coping mechanisms, I am done with settling for cheap pleasures. Edit number 2: Needed to write this all in my journal so I can go beyond it. I needed to get it off my chest because I do not intend to talk about Veronika with Steven or my other guy friends.
  11. @Erik2.0 It seems like you are only interested in hobbies you can be really good at? Is the sense of progress the main appeal? Some people draw daily even though they are not that good, but it relaxes them and they enjoy it so they don't care :) (I am not judging you, we are all different, I just want to know). Thank you for the concern for my grandma, hopefully she gets better, but she is on a lot of strong medications for a couple of years already so I doubt she will get better easily. Entry 20 (day 33): Sadly I don't have anything to be proud of this entry, but at least it was a pleasant day. First I took it easy, then I started slacking, then I got sleepy, then I lost my will and then I went to sleep. I didn't do almost anything productive, I even lost my sexual restraint and masturbated 3 times. I went to bed 3 hours earlier than usual. The best part of the day was that I went with my bike to the beautiful park we have in my city. I climbed up on a little hill that freemasons built in 1925, a big falcon statue representing 2 slavic pagan gods. Set beneath the statue in my semi-lotus and calmly watched the beautiful scenery bellow me. This park is a forest with multiple lakes and a lot of cute little passages between the tall old trees. It was a sunny, warm day and a lot of people where jogging, walking their dogs or with their loved ones. I fell into a 15 minute thoughtless trance. Everything peaceful. All moved slowly and rhythmically as if there was a sacred thread conjoining the graceful shuffling of leaves, careless hopping of kids and singing of birds. All eternal. I missed this place so much, I missed the spring so much. If only it could be spring forever. (In retrospect, it reminded me of this opening scene of Solaris, just less mysterious and gloomy, and more joyful, sunny and kind.Yes, leaves can be kind, shut up) But lets snap back into reality. Yeah... this was a remainder of the fact that I should organize my days in advance or else I risk not doing anything in the end. I am going to have a productive day today. Daily gratitude: I am grateful I have this journal. It makes me more self aware, and more willing to bounce back when I get temporarily discouraged.
  12. Thank you guys! You and others helped me push myself further by being kind and supportive. @chiliflavor I agree it's better to do nothing than to mess things up. 2-3 weeks ago i would consider those napping moments a success, but I have to go beyond it eventually. @Erik2.0 I suggest you pick up something you would like to do in couple of years from now as well. So if you see yourself playing guitar and enjoying it daily as a life choice and a lifestyle I urge to to buy a book or get a teacher :) Sadly I do not play any instruments Entry 19 (day 32): I'll be quick and to the point because I already spent too much of my morning chillin, haha. Summary: The day went perfect. I am so proud. went to the gym done dishes, laundry, and helped with making dinner (my grandma has broken her leg so Imma be doing this regularly) meditated I studied for 4 hours (5 if you count the little breaks) Did all that in a scheduled way, without almost any slack Guys, if I continue to have days like this one, I am going to be successful. This day showed me how much willpower I can exert if I try my best. P.S. Here's my 30day recap! Edit: Again forgot about my daily gratitude :) Today I am grateful I live in the developed and peaceful part of the world.
  13. Thank you Helen :) I am grateful it is so
  14. Hey game quitters, A month ago I was filled with anxiety, desperately wasting my days, and I said in my introduction story: "I have realized that my relationship with gaming always was and will remain unhealthy. When I game I successfully ignore everything around me. I flee into gaming. I see that I would ruin everything if I continue to game. I would likely kill myself down the line if I continued to game. So I had to stop and I will never return to it. Now I've seen how easily I turn from casual to hardcore gaming - it is way beyond my control." Luckily, It's been over 30 days since I stopped playing video games and almost that much since I quit watching porn. It went really successfully! I came here to express some self-pride in my baby steps towards a better life, as well as share my experience with you, maybe you will find it relatable or even inspirational. I didn't watch any streams or gaming related content, and I can say that craves for gaming have stopped, hopefully for good. I intend to never play games again. I had my ups and downs, naturally. But every few days I could easily see I was making progress. I didn't just had to stop gaming, I had to slowly put my life in order, and I am so glad to say that I am proud of what I was able to do in that month, here's a short list: I was able to reconnect with friends that I've been ignoring and apologize for my absence I've done a lot of work in and around the house, earning my father's respect Finally been able to sustain daily meditation practice, I do mantra meditation at least half an hour a day Every few days I would watch a classic movie from my IMDB list, and listen to new exciting music. Not binging, just enjoying art as a stimulant for life in moderation. Started studying for exams (this is a recent development, I didn't push myself to study for first 3 weeks, I knew I wouldn't be able to) Started working out hard again, hitting the gym around 4 times a week since corona measures loosened (I am from eastern Europe) Started to schedule my daily activities more effectively My mood, self-confidence, and positive emotions are almost as high as they have ever been, while anxiety and negative emotions are under control. I don't have much else to say except I hope I continue with this path I am on. If I do,and I intend to, I am looking forwards to my new accomplishments. This is my daily journal if you wish to accompany me on this ride. Best of luck to you guys and girls, with love, gargamel
  15. Entry 18 (day 31): Its officially been a month since I've stopped playing video games and almost a month that I stopped watching porn. I'd like to make a monthly recap later! Summary: Yesterday was, subjectively one of the worst days that I've had in the last month, which is a testament of how good a lot of my days generally where. Anywaays, the problem with yesterday is that I spent too much time doing absolutely nothing, literally laying in my bed staring to a wall or semi-napping, because I was procrastinating with my daily plan. In the end, I did everything I told myself I should do: I meditated I've read some holy texts written a journal entry washed the dishes had a home core workout bought sunscreen and a face wash borrowed literature for exams gifted a book I didn't have room for studied (although only for 3 hours) Maybe if I studied for an hour or 2 longer like I planned to I would be more satisfied with the day, but it would still be a bad day in my eyes. Because I could've done all of this probably by 4 or 5 pm and then I could maybe watch some good movie, or read more holy texts, or listen to some new music, or go on a bike, or study some more. But no, I spent so much time in lethargy and some anxiety naturally crept in. The reason why I studied for only 3 hours is because I started studying after 7:30 pm, and I couldn't keep my focus for longer, I got genuinely tired. Today I am starting studying at noon, and hopefully I have a more energetic and proactive day. Daily gratitude: I am grateful for the difficult times I've went through. They've made me a better man. P.S. @Erik2.0 It's good to be on this train 😄 My house is too big for its own good and it got filled with so much unnecessary things. My dad has a hoarding tendency and he never did a lot around the house except maintenance, like fixing a broken bulb or door. So when my mother left 4-5 years ago, this place slowly got worse and worse. About my brother... he is playing on Rocksmith, he is satisfied in his beginner progress.
  16. @Erik2.0 Yeah! My family is starting to fix a lot of inter-personal issues we've had in the past. Things like this helped a lot. Entry 17 (day 30): Yesterday was a perfect Sunday. Mood: Perfect Summary: Started the day with an hour long meditation. Later I did a lot of cleaning around the house again. Vacuumed the dust and and deep-rubbed our parquet floors (this hasn't been done in years). Then I went to the gym with my friend Steven. Later we went to a bar and discussed some personal and social matters. We had a 3 hour long conversation about values and dignity. I had to voice my disgust with a distasteful meme he shared of the death of George Floyd. His "edgy" humor is repulsive. To my surprise, his reaction to my criticism was great. He wasn't defensive and it seems like he understood where I was coming from, so that was pretty great. In the evening I chatted a bit with my grandma, watched my brother practice with his electric guitar and listened a bit of music. Didn't study at all because I've already read the material I've borrowed from the library and it was Sunday so I couldn't get me more. I should've went to the library on Friday, I miscalculated and thought I will be able to borrow new books Saturday morning, but you know how that went. I'm ok with it, because I plan to study today for at least 4-5 hours. P.S. I was irregularly talking on instagram with this one girl I didn't mention yet. Let's call her Mia. Fit, sexy look in her eyes, artsy (goes to galleries regularly), interested in philosophy, does yoga. We've met a year ago, she approached and asked me for my number at one university conference. At that time I was still in my drama with Veronika so I hesitated. Anyways, I semi-asked her out a few days ago and she accepted, but I realized yesterday that I don't have time and shouldn't spend energy on something like that, so I called it off and said I will call her after the exams so we can celebrate together, she accepted. EDIT: I want to incorporate daily gratitude into my journal. Today I am grateful for being young and healthy.
  17. Entry 16 (day 29): I slept for 3 hours, went with my brother, mother and grandparents to our cottage in the countryside to do some renewal work on it and have a barbecue (lots of barbecues in my life lately, lol). I am especially proud of myself because this was my idea and i put it into motion. We had a good time and did some good work removing the old rotten plaster with chisels and hammers. Me, my brother and grandad made a plan to make wine in September, we have barrels to fill more than 600 liters if we want to. I am really exited about this. Rest of the day was spent in my bed, still recovering from the hangover. I didn't meditate, didn't work out, didn't study. i was spent and just waited for my mind to be as sleepy as my body so I can get some good night sleep. P.S. I've noticed I was making a lot of excuses for myself in the last few days. I am stopping with this mindset.
  18. @Erik2.0 yeah, we made promises to eachother that we will not fuck up our friendship. This is as much as I can chew at the moment anyways. I am still fed up with mine and Veronika's drama from a year or so ago, we became so resentful towards one another. But thats the story for some much later time. I wont be focusing on my love life for the next month. Studying and living healthy is all I should be doing.
  19. EDIT; tl;dr - OP continues to babble about his unimportant failed love stories. But I will enjoy reading this later in my life. ... One moment I feel like she is perfect for me and another moment I feel like she is far from it. But I guess "perfect" relationship is something you grow into and not something you find. Things could go well in numerous ways with us two. I just don't want either of us to suffer again because of eachother, which is almost impossible in the long run. If we will remain just friends, I hope I'll find as good of a girl as her. I know they exist but you need to be lucky to stumble upon a girl like that and for her to not be in a relationship and so on and so on, a lot of circumstances need to align. I absolutely adore and love women, and women generally love me. But on a deeper level I am extremely picky. One of the reasons is that I only look for highly intelligent women (for example -top honors in university, intellectually curious, verbally gifted, well read). After I had a relationship with a couple of them I just cant settle for anything less anymore. So she basically needs to beautiful, incredibly intelligent, womanly, wants to have a family, kind, adventures, artsy and at least open minded to my spirituality if not already on the same or similar path. Lol. Its strange but I am for some reason confident to a point of certainty that I will end up marrying a woman like that. Veronika actually checks out on every point, this is what urks me and scares me. Other than her, there was a girl a year ago (we know eachother from uni for a long time, she knows me from a time I was a high achiever, before my depressions and return to gaming), lets call her Scarlet, who checked out on everything except she didn't even "believe in relationships anymore" and lived an unhealthy Beatnik type of life. We couldn't work further from the initial fascination with eachother. Edit: Scarlet wasn't kind. We had an elitist sort of connection (she is from an influential political family) and she loved to judge and ridicule others behind their back, and regretfully I often joined her in that.
  20. Not sure on what we watched it. My brother has netflix so it might be? I don't know about the Pomodoro method. I'll google it 🙂 Entry 15: Another quick one because I am not even on my laptop and I slept for 3 hours today. First part of the day went as planned, except I didn't have enough time to buy skin care products, but that was not urgent so its fine. I studied again for 2 hours, didn't have time to study for longer, busy day. Then I went to my friend birthday and it was great. Had fun but I am extremely tired now because of it, we drank a looot. I think I had 8 craft beers and 2 vodka shots. Veronika asked me in the morning if everything is fine between us because she senses something. We talked about us a bit, I told her that I sometimes ask myself should things have been different beetween us, but also that I am not in a place to really question it seriously because I have so much things to fix and do in my life. She said she understands where my head is at, and we basically agreed to not talk about it for the time being.
  21. Welcome to the forums! I wish you best of luck. Also, don't worry, you are not irredeemably damaged or something like that. Wiring of the brain changes, we are adaptable, teachable. We can truly change. Mobile phones haven't existed until 30-something years ago, smartphones much less than that. You won't be needing any sorts of puzzles to get your mind going, life IS stimulating enough once you are clean for long enough. Stay strong!
  22. I am truly grateful seeing all of your responses. This is a great community. @Fagus I have dedicated much of my life to reading and thinking, and I've realized a few years ago that every important insight you get will not be lived by unless you are constantly reminded of it. You cannot just "store" that type of knowledge as you store some random fact - you need to replenish your connection with it. Meditation is for me that type of a daily reminder. I urge you to go back to meditation if it already bore fruit in your life. @GrainSiloEnthusiast Then I hope you don't go back to gaming. For me, mental well-being is much more important than a couple of hours of mindless fun a day, and I would rather quit gaming than play it in moderation, although moderation proved not to be possible for my addiction-prone brain. Entry 14 (day 27): Today I feel like keeping it short and simple. Everything went pretty much according to plan and I studied for 2 hours. I planned to study around 3 and a half hours, but I spent almost half of that time struggling to keep focus and motivating myself to study. I need to train my brain again to focus on mentally exhausting material that doesn't necessarily intrinsically interest me. I plan to push myself every day and study for ever increasing amount of time, with my goal being studying for 6-8 hours effectively. This is necessary if I plan to pass my exams. Other than that, it was more or less a flawless day. Gym, chores, meditation, study, and I watched anime movie Ghost in a Shell with my brother and it was aesthetically incredibly impressive. Mood was generally great, except I felt a crave for female attention in the evening hours.
  23. Hey @apatton090! Yeah, such a cool machine he made! I've seen it a few years ago, great find :)
  24. I want to share with you 3 things that are helping me keep my mind on the right track, maybe they can inspire you too: 1) Uplifting song "Far from where dreams unfurl" by band Wilderun (genre progressive/symphonic metal) - I've recently discovered this song and its as if its speaking directly to me. It talks of a man who wastes his time but is urged by the singer to "run far from where dreams unfurl", "leave your corpse behind", because if you don't you will miss the world and be bitter. And we are all going to die so do it ASAP. 2) Another song about the running - by Foals (genre indie rock) - It's catchy chorus goes: "If I fall down, fall down then I know to keep on running" 3) Mantra I do almost every day (I think Christians will like it as well): Om Asato Maa Sad-Gamaya |Tamaso Maa Jyotir-Gamaya |Mrtyor-Maa Amrtam Gamaya |Om Shaantih Shaantih Shaantih || In translation it means: From the unreal lead me to reality, from darkness lead me to light, from death lead me to immortality, om peace (with the world), peace (with the heavens), peace (within myself)
  25. Entry 13 (day 26): How the day went: It was a good day even though my plan got mixed up badly I am to blame for it. Not to go into unnecessary details, around 1 pm I had to postpone going to the gym for a couple of hours because I impulsively decided to join my brother in watching a new episode of Rick and Morty. Then I decided I will trow out my little sisters toys and all the dusty books out of the living room and that in the end took me 4 hours because it needed to be cleaned as well (I wasn't slacking, living room was CLUTTERED for 6 years). I am proud I did this but it changed the plan further. Then I went to the gym but I forgot to bring my towel which is a requirement because of COVID, so I lost almost an hour going back home to get it. Went to the library expecting to borrow a couple of high priority books so I can study for a couple of hours and it was closed, damn it man. Because of COVID they work afternoon every other day. When I came home my grandma begged me to do the dishes and laundry again (I did it in the morning as well) because her leg hurts too bad, so i just did all that and called it a day. Thing I shouldn't have done: I argued for almost a half an hour with my dad about nutrition, it was heated but it wasn't a fight. He has diabetes and is overweight but he uses bigoted logic to disregard every nutritional advice anyone gives him. You might say that it was reasonable that I argued with him, but he is close minded as a defense mechanism and I really shouldn't be fixing other peoples lives when i am still struggling fixing my own. Not only did I lose that half an hour, but my head slightly hurt after it because of elevated stress level, also it made me forget that towel. I need to avoid it.
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