NEW VIDEO: I Quit MMOs and THIS Happened
Icandothis
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Posts posted by Icandothis
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Hi,
It’s ok have down days. Wish I could send over a coloring book with pencils along with a big hug.
Thank you for sharing your story and showing support to myself and so many on this forum.
Have a beautiful day.
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I really resonate with this TED talk with Glennon Doyle.
We wear super hero capes so that we don’t have to be seen. So that we are not exposed. So that we don’t have to be vulnerable.
For me, it feels like trauma to be fully seen. I am months over quitting gaming, but the healing will be my lifelong practice.
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Hi,
I am so sorry you are in so much pain. It’s overwhelming to try to look forward to a weekend that is filled with sadness.
Look how far you have come on your 3D modeling! I remember, a couple months ago you were just starting your first tutorial... and now you have finished several projects!! This is a huge accomplishment.
Please be gentle and good to yourself. Thank you for continuing so share your journey.
Talk soon!
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The 19th will be my 7 month anniversary of being game free!!!
Thank you so much to the creators and contributors of this community. Through ups and downs, you have been here for me. This is truly a space to be fully seen and heard.
My favorite quote to post again and again:
“The opposite of addiction is not sobriety; it’s human connection” .
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Hi All!!
Thank you so much for your loving energy and prayers. I received a surgery slot for this Tuesday. 💙💙💙
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Hi All-
So some updates for anyone following along. My diagnosis is Stage 2/3 Colon Cancer. This has a 5 year survival rate of 75%. I am so grateful it has not spread.
I have created a profile over at the American Cancer Society under Allidoisyoga. I have not posted yet, but when I do it will be under this user name.
What is extremely frustrating is I was to go into immediate surgery to remove the cancer. But the hospital canceled all surgeries that were not life saving that week. I am on a waiting list with my surgeon, oncologist and gastrointerologist saying I need to get in now. But the hospital administration is saying no because they need to save resources for CoVid.
I am angry and upset because there are resources available... but I cannot get access.
So I go back and forth from anger fits to sitting in stillness. This has been one of the biggest challenges in my faith and spirituality. To sit with cancer inside of me and still find peace and stillness.
Would you pray or sending loving intentions that a surgery table will open up to me? I really really appreciate it, and appreciate everyone’s support and listening. Thank you deeply. 💙💙💙
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My friend sent me this.... maybe it’s helpful?
”Take a deep breath
Exhale
Try again.
You can do this
Have patience
Everything is hard the first time.”
You are doing such a great job, and we believe in you. Sending you hugs and energy my friend.
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Hi!
Thank you to everyone for your replies. It means the world to me... it really does.
I have updated my photo so you can actually see my face.... hi!! And it reminds me of all the absolutely beautiful adventures in my life.
When I get around to posting over on the American Cancer Society, I will try and post a link. I’m still in denial.... I don’t want to have cancer 🙁
There is so much up in the air.... sigh. I am deeply grateful for this community and for everyone of you. Talk soon my friends. Wishing you the most beautiful day. 💙
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I am really behind on your journal, I am so sorry.
But I think the drums would be a good idea! I am looking into getting a hand pan drum...music is supposed to be great for the mind/body/soul.Hope you have just the best day
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I hope you get some good sleep and enjoy your comic book training tomorrow.
Sending energy. Have a beautiful day my friend. 💙-
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The cherry blossom trees are so beautiful right now in Portland.
I hope they bring you peace during this time. 💙
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I don’t know what to say...
This past week and a half has turned my world upside down. A devastating diagnosis, fear, deep depression and sadness.
Of all the dreams I had written about in my journal, I never thought my journey would take me here. I will be starting my own blog over at the American Cancer Society. From my brief preview they have chats and posting just like here.
My whole world has cracked open again. But I am deeply reminded of the legacy I want to leave on this earth. The prayer of the Bodhisattva; to help ease suffering of all sentient beings.
As had been said to me by so many doctors, nurses, medical staff, volunteers and friends.... “ there are no words...”
Thank you deeply for listening. I hope you have some joy today.
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14 hours ago, James Good said:
It's very much a collective hive mind way of thinking in Asian countries, everyone is part of the same system. Whereas in somewhere like America, it's very much a "'I only care about my family so f*** you".
This... exactly.
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I read an article off NPR, I will try to find the link.
Basically stating that societies don’t put in place measures to stop the spread of the disease until its too late.
I find it very interesting that Japans numbers are not higher.
Take care
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Very quiet this morning. Yesterday, I was in the middle of writing a long post when my son woke up... so I deleted it.
This morning, I actually for a minute forgot what I wrote. Thoughts change, emotions are temporary.
I have been turning inward, turning in, really listening to my body, God, and highest self.
Psalm 56:3 - when I am afraid I put my trust in you.
Thank you for being here.
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On 3/7/2020 at 7:48 AM, Ikar said:
I'm using the template I used the last time. 10/2/20 - 7/3/20
"L" will stand for the (last) plan for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. "N" will stand for the plan next term.
Books:L: I'm picking up "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. It's been about a year since I read "The Power of Now" and I remember I was fascinated by it, even though I hardly understood it.
T: I actually didn't seriously read for about three weeks in February, I only started again when I picked up "1984". It gripped me nicely and I was even motivated to read at random times during the day.
N: I got "The Red and the Black" from Stendhal and "Beyond Good and Evil" by Nietzsche.
English - Personal (1) + Business (2):L1: I didn't study English, because if I studied, I studied for exams at the university. I've been keeping in shape by going to two English speaking events per week though. I write here and on my blog.
L2: I was unable to set up any classes that would suit me, but I managed to at least take the shot at those interviews during the exam term, so they know about me. I sent out a lot of applications yesterday, so I plan to get some more interviews in February.
T1: I've been keeping in shape by going to one or two English speaking events per week. I write here and on my blog. I want to be more consistent in writing though.
T2: I'm setting up a pilot class for March/April in one community center. Just today I got an offer I took to have a course on Friday mornings. Aside from that, today I gave the go to get my business cards done, as well as the banner. I'm gonna wait with the car stickers, as my C3 is going to the paint shop to get rid of the rust. My website is still WiP - I simply need to write more.
N1: I think I want to bond my personal progression together with my business progression. The idea I would study some obscure English grammar or did tests on the Internet just seems foreign to me. I'll just keep on doing what I've been doing up until now.
N2: I'm gonna get my webpage up by mid-March. Word. It's already 50% done anyway. I am also going to spam more mails, even though I think everybody knows that I exist in this area at this point.
Family:
L: I've been talking over my parents' and brother's relationship with grandma every now and then. It's been quite helpful to help me understand my relationship behaviors as well.
T: I think it's true to say that I find my family members more dear when I am more detached from them by living on the dorms. I get to see them just enough to be caught up on what are they up to. I think it works that way for most relationships, except for when people live together.
N: Maintain the relationships as they are, I'm happy with them as they are!
University:L: I have classes on Thursday evening and Friday morning and afternoon. I wanted to give myself a few hours a week to study/write papers outside of the lessons the last semester, but I never got around to doing it and scrambled to finish the papers, even though not as badly as the semester before that. I'll get after it this semester on Saturday mornings.
T: The assignments were fairly minor so far, but there's one bigger one coming up next week. Otherwise it's fairly smooth sailing during the semester.
N: Stick to doing assignments ahead of time.
Being social:L: I had no lessons to teach, so my urge to go out and be social increased. I mostly see the same people every week on these events and all of them are either free or low-cost. They all complement my hobbies/things I want to get better at or maintain. It's also a good opportunity to network. I'm able to go out almost every day for a few hours, because I get enough me-time during the rest of the day. I imagine this sounds a lot like madness to people with a 9-5 job, but I am happy I put in the work on my projects whenever I want to and moneymaking currently doesn't concern me, as I have enough saved up for several months.
T: It's been more of the same, as I am creating more connections and deepening current ones. I like the consistency of that. I can still be a bit sheepish at times though. I like to both talk to others and watch them. I'm vigilant.
N: I'm happy with the current situation.
Exercise/movement:L: I did the same pull-up, sit-up and bike routine all month. I'm gonna get into some mobility workout too, because I would like to be more flexible and less prone to injury.
T: I put in some more exercises to mix up my workouts, as well as some stretching.
N: I think I want to make my workouts even more diverse.
Russian: I am still on track on Duolingo (177 days streak).
Women/dating:
L:
My current thoughts on dating:
If a woman interests me (unconscious decision = she looks good), I talked to her (conscious decision - determining whether she is at least remotely interested as well and not a total deadbeat), and I have the opportunity of seeing her regularly, it naturally comes to me that I want to spend more time with her to get to know her and ask her questions that I care about.
Words have to be followed by actions and facts however. I said I wanted to exercise after leaving the army, but I never really got into it. It would be like saying "I love you" for the first time, but not going for any kind of touch whatsoever. It was strange. Fact-checking is boring and hard, but necessary in order to make the relationship work long-term. In a way, this diary is the best fact-check anyone could get on me, including both my actions and my thoughts, even if not 100% of them. However, I think neither emotionality nor fact-checking should lag behind each other too much.
Manson's Models and Glover's NMMNG were both big help regarding this. I'd like to ease into the relationship. Let the sex be the icing on the cake, rather than the brute animistic force that forges the basis of the relationship. I might fail at remembering that in the heat of the moment, but I'd really like to have sex as the last objective checkpoint/barrier.
I could write more, but I think it would be blog material with insights rather than something I'd like to to abide by.
"When sex is good it's 10% of the relationship. When it's bad it's 90%."
T: I'm currently talking to a few women. I get myself out there on a regular basis. I'm finding out what I like and what I do not like. It could be that I am still perhaps too rational and shy about this, but I am getting better. It's like entering the swimming pool with a descent. I feel more comfortable initiating conversations with men overall.
N: Be cool with whatever the outcome is. That's how I learn.
Projects/misc finished last month:
business - ads, interviews, a few classes
website (50%)
Projects/misc upcoming this month:
website (100%)
money?
gun license
Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:
I think I have done a good job at incorporating psychology lectures I’ve seen/learnt into my life. I don’t want to re-live the experience I’ve had last March/April, because it could be deadly.
I gained the ability to plan after I quit games.
Regained/new daily habits: I clean my teeth daily, Duolingo, journaling, working out.
Life’s more colorful and more difficult to deal with, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror now and see myself less skewed than before.
I think I give meaning to things that deserve it now.
I am not horrified of free time anymore. This is a BIG one.
I am using my sociability more sensibly. No more trolling in Twitch chat and streaming.
Coming to think of it, I’ve never been overly anxious to begin with, just the normal amount. I asked girls out on dates on high school. I was just totally oblivious to the signals I sent/received.
I’m more conscious of both what I do and how I do it in relation with other people. I still get anxiety, but I act despite it. I stand tall and have my say.
I'm very lucky to have a mentor in the field I am excited about.
I EMBRACE THE FACT THAT ANYTHING I START DOING, I WILL DO IT BADLY. I CAN ONLY BECOME BETTER INCREMENTALLY AND BY PRACTICE.So amazing. You have a beautiful spirit and heart. Thank you for sharing your story.
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I went to therapy today. I cried. It’s so important to have a safe place to fully be seen, heard and express ourselves.
We don’t heal in isolation; we heal in community.
Have a beautiful day my friends.
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Thank you for this community.... and thank you for making it open, accessible and inclusive to everyone.
We heal within community and this forum has played a huge role. So thank you... deeply.
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You define your life.
Whatever someone thinks about you is a reflection of them and not you.
Rejection is only a story the ego comes up with.
Have a beautiful day my friend.
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Hi-
Wow thank you for sharing. I would like to watch the movie now, as it seems to illuminate relationship dynamics so well.
I am so sorry for your pain. Childhood trauma and neglect are pervasive and affect the way we engage in all our relationships.
You were not able to cry as a child, because of neglect and it’s absolutely devastating. You wear a mask because this is what you have to do to survive.
But it’s ok. Ok to cry and feel whatever emotion comes up. Everything you feel is valid and needs to be fully expressed.
I see you my friend.
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Well awesome. The corona virus is at the schools here. It’s big and scary... and puts everything to the test.
Also, I have been meaning to write this... so now is as good a time as any... I put my faith in God and trust and surrender. Only by being grounded do I feel like I can face mountains.
So I have been getting frustrated lately. And angry. Why is everything taking so long. And then I realize the timing of everything. I started gaming when my first two kiddos started school. I played pretty much constantly until I got pregnant with my baby. When I found out I was pregnant, I cut way back. But still played all the way thru his birth and then young infant stage.
It’s actually pretty amazing how much babies sleep. Anyways when I joined GQ, my baby was leaving his infant stage and begging to walk everywhere. I quite literally did not have time to game anymore.
I am so thankful I embarked upon this journey when I did as now, I am chasing around my energizer bunny toddler. My days are so full. Getting up early in the morning to make breakfast and lunches. Sending 2 older ones off to school. Preparing breakfast for my little. And then off to our morning outing.
Then lunch and then getting him down for a nap. Then it’s light cleaning and chores. ***I have only about 30 minutes to focus on career related items****.
My older 2 get home at 2pm. Snack time and holding space for them. Quality time and asking about their day. Little one gets up, afternoon activity. Dinner, homework, showers. Then the nighttime routine for all 3 of them.
So even though it looks like I am not moving forward.... my days are filled with joy and love. This is going to be a journey for me... and I am determined not to rush.. but let it all unfold.
And after my months job search, my intuition is telling me that my path is towards the healing modalities. Massage, energy medicine, acupuncture, sound therapy. This is what makes my soul feel alive and what I believe my calling is.
Thank you much for listening my friends.
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In reflection:
I have spent years numbing and hiding. As I now show up into the world, I am noticing myself getting angry at people.
This anger comes from within.
My new commitment is to ground myself every morning in peace and stillness.
During the day I will practice self awareness and compassion. This picture is a brief summary that helps me.
Thank you for listening.
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On cold showers. I have completed my 20 day challenge. I am proud of myself for the commitment and courage to finish.
I will continue taking a cold shower following my warm shower as this is very easy to do and does not take a lot of time.
But most of all I kept a promise I made to myself.
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My current feelings towards life
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Icandothis journal
in Daily Journals
Posted
The 19th is my 8 month game free anniversary!
Quitting games has allowed me to feel it all. The unearthed lavish beauty. The ocean of tears. The violent wind sending my waist long hair dancing as I lift my face to the brilliant sunshine.
To be able to be present... to the sorrow and laughter. Not needing to run away or hide; but to be in my body fully experiencing the full rawness of all this life has to offer.
Quit Cancer update: Right colectomy surgery complete. Cancer present in 19 out of 67 lymph nodes. Diagnosis- Advanced stage 3.
Adjuvant Chemo to start within a week. Thank you truly for the kindness and love.