Tzen1

Honestly I believe your in the right mind to deny being best man. Best man to me in a sense is someone who is your best friend and someone you can get real with. So I think your doing the right thing there. I went back to catch up on some of your posts and I get about the shut in type people. It's hard seeing friends or friends who you thought would be better be glued to there screens but I see it as we are the ones who broke free. I know its just a single post but it's one of my favorites especially that I feel like it goes with the section I quoted with A reminder to the single people, stay strong! https://imgur.com/gallery/xvBcN3R Anyway though, friends are just like what they say about finding a partner. There are plenty of fish in the sea but sometimes it takes a bit of effort to reel in the one. You got this man and take care of yourself!

Days 55-58 @BooksandTrees Thanks man and funny enough me and the wife passed by a park and we miss going on our daily walks. The only thing stopping us is Texas heat & humidity. So when it cools down we will definitely start back up. I do have some news though later in the post about medication. @BrassWolf You can say that again! Man it hurts to see all teachers going back to there classrooms and I'm on the sidelines but im determined to branch out and get a job somewhere. I also completely agree on the paths in life as well I believe in that philosophy completely. But damn, sometimes a map would be handy! Well the past few days have been interesting that's for sure. The weekend was brought on with laziness and relaxation. Visiting the wife's family and off to bed for Saturday. Sunday was about the same with some more work normal grocery shopping trip and family bringing use some old patio furniture that needs some tlc. As for Monday my day was a bit busy. Garage had go get repaired, then to the store to get some chili and cornbread supplies, and then come home and study. Not much time for work on the IT side but that's alright because I studied the history side for teaching certification. No game cravings but I still do miss reading about what's going on in the gaming world. About the medicine now. I was prescribed Lexapro 5mg for what has been happening lately. The last time I tried a SSRI type medicine it was Zoloft 20mg and that was way too much for me to handle. To the point it gave me suicidal thoughts. But there has been a common side effect if both these medicines and I have had to stop both of them now after 2 days. Emotional and physical numbness. So for physical my whole body would feel numb I couldn't feel if my stomach was full or empty, gas in the stomach or anything really, all throughout my body, nothing. As for emotional I found a comment I liked a lot on Reddit. The Tldr of it was you feel like your just there, existing in life. You feel no happy, sad, angry, stressed, pleasure, just nothing. My wife got upset and sad over the weekend and I couldn't empathize with her at all because my emotions were nonexistent. Needless to say I'm off the medicine again after 2 days and anyone who says anti depressants can't mess with you day 1 well I'm living proof. But here is another odd thing is that the medicine slaps something into me or something else but after stopping I feel so much better emotionally it's like night and day. I would say to people taking medicine just be careful and keep track of side effects. Also a little NSFW but out of those two days one od the scariest side effects was losing my sexual dive and also it so going nun down there as well. There is a crazy side effect that persists even after stopping an SARI where you stay permanently numb down under and yeah that was also a bit of motivation to stop. If you stuck with it to the end thanks for reading you beautiful people. Have a good night! -Cheers Tzen

Days 53 and 54 (Writing on day 55) Thanks for the motivating words @BooksandTrees the mind can be such a prick sometimes. So came back from the doctor after having a couple of tests done and everything is normal. Depression, Anxiety, and panic attacks all bundled up with hypochondria; its amazing how much mental health plays a role in our bodies. A couple years back I attempted a semi-high dose of depression medication that threw me for a loop. I was scared since then to start them back up. After talking with my doctor the other day we decided to try a low low dose of a different brand of medicine and then half that pill to gradually build me up to the already low dose of a full pill. The hardest part about all of this is accepting that mental health is the problem. Coming to terms is hard but I feel better doing so and to help with my hypochondria you guessed it a second journal. This one is physical though and I have a little notebook I carry with me to write it all down. For the past couple of days its been especially tough. Teachers everywhere are starting there year again (shout out to @BrassWolf I hope your school year goes great!) and its been hard as me and my wife moved back down to be closer to family and its year 2 of not having a teaching job. Being a history teacher and not a coach is rough in the state of Texas. So jobs come far and few for me and not being able to teach and just be a substitute blows. While I am pursing extra certifications I decided I am going to work on my fall back career now in IT. I'm currently going through Cybrary,s lessons over network+ in order to work my way into the IT world. Having something to drive me now is helping me get back on my feet after knocking myself down so much. If any of you IT people have any tips and tricks I would love to know them. As for routines go my morning routine has been slipping a bit and going onto Reddit and Imgur a bit more although I am following Hong Kong right now. But night time has been great I have been doing better staying off my phone and reading my book which I am getting close to finishing! its been a long time since I finished a book this big! well that about sums it up right now for these past couple of days. Keeps your minds healthy and in shape people but don't be afraid to bring it up if you have no one to talk to. Cheers -Tzen

Days 51 and 52 So the past couple of days have been rough. I think my kidneys have been acting up so I am going to see a doctor tomorrow. Also, after talking with my wife, who is amazing, she made some points about my problems. So I'm going to try and battle my demons instead of suppressing them. Been thinking about games and watching media while not feeling good but I'm committed to finishing this. Have a good day everyone hopefully more information tomorrow. -Cheers Tzen

Day 46- 50 Been having a lot of trouble recently. My anxiety and panic attacks have been flaring up. I have had this problem for a long time now (runs in the family) and have been battling it to keep it at bay. I decided it is time to go see a doctor again and see what they said. I tried medicine out a couple years ago but it was too much for me to handle. Also haven't been feeling to well either so I haven't done to much. With the house being pretty much done for the time being depression has also set in. As a history teacher who didn't get a job for this school it's going to be a long year again of not teaching, and it sucks. I decided after I take this certification test I might branch out and get my network+ certification and maybe work my way into IT. I also need to start working out a bit more because I can guarantee that's the first thing the doctor is gonna ask. I thought about what a new hobby could be and it's been on the tough side even with the hobby picker this website has. I really still would like to do chess but I'm afraid of doing it online. As I am hitting day 50 not playing games is still pretty easy but my problem is still the news side of things. It's so strange still how powerful the news can make the FOMO feeling just come straight to your brain. It's funny because a lot of the news i used to read over games are ones I never wanted to play. It's just the real world news I just want to keep up with what's going on in both worlds. So I think I'm probably going to have to go over the 90 day limit. Not to just quit gaming but get my mindset back on track about gaming media/news and not let it control my life again. Here is to 50 days of no gaming and o media watching of games. -Cheers Tzen

Day 45 @BooksandTrees thanks for the heads up on April's YouTube channel her diy projects look great! It's funny as cravings go. How looking at gift cards jog my memory of what I used to do. It makes me sick that I couldn't stop myself. I know cravings will get better but I also need to learn on how to let go. How to let go of the past and my mistakes and start improving myself and the future. I still have a lot of inward self work but I know I'll get there. It's funny how I'm talking about this the same day I watch Avatar the last airbender with the scene with the guru and opening of the human chakra points. As for my day it's been kind of sluggish. I think my wife and I caught a small food bugfrom dinner last night so we had some rough stomachs in the morning. She got better as the day went on but for me I have been feeling slow all day. After doing my errands my last stop was to pick up some bread at the store. Game cravings will low as they have been but seeing gift cards here and there will bring those memories back. As I said above it's just something I need to work on still. Getting home my stomach still wasn't feeling happy so I had a small sandwich and it's of water to wash it down with. Headed off to bed now so here is to some good sleep. -Cheers Tzen

I know you see this line as a bad thing but what if you flipped it to yourself instead of other people? People can be docks no doubt about it but its more than okay to celebrate the small victories in your life no matter how big or small they may be. All I can say for now is I'm sorry that life is hitting you hard right now. But there is a lot to live for and it's perfectly fine to take your self out to dinner when you finished a goal or did something celebratory. Also your right about bragging it can be obnoxious at times but don't let that stop you from celebrating your self. I believe in you if thats something. Take care of yourself man. You got this!

This line right here was the biggest realization of my detox so far. It's amazing how much more time you want to spend with your spouse rather than playing games. I felt like a stone wall when I played games around my wife. Now, we talk and do things together everyday. I feel like I have missed out on so much of our relationship due to gaming. Your journal has been awesome so far keep up the work!

Days 41-44 IT'S OVER! While we still have a lot of interior work to work on the move was successful. We are tired and sore but we are happy to finally be in a place that is a house and not an apartment. We recently got our internet back up and I can start posting back on a better schedule now. My hobby as of now if going to learn how to be a repair man. I want to learn how to do a lot of do it your self fixes. Learning and watching videos as well as experimenting on disassemble stuff around the house to understand better on what it does. As far as game cravings go I really haven't had much if any at all. I still see ads here and there over games I played a lot like destiny, rocket league, etc. but they don't phase me like before. The need or want to check the latest and greatest due to FOMO (fear of missing out) or having the new hot game is now a dwindling dying flame. I did jam out to a remix of dire dire docks that got stuck in my head but music never gave me a crave to play the actual game. I also saw @fawn_xoxo is taking a break I ment to write sooner but all I had time to did was drop a like. Take care of yourself man you will be missed! Well back on the journal grind no excuses anymore for late entries. Take care people -Cheers Tzen

Days 38-40 So I know it's been a few days since I posted but today (day 41) is the calm before the storm. The past few days have been long hours at the house. With routines in the morning and at night on hold all focus was finishing this house. The one thing I am happy to be able to keep was my sleeping schedule. Waking up at 7am has helped my body fall asleep easier at night instead of staying up all night along. This is odd for me to say after playing game so long but I miss reading at nights when I don't get to. Those words would never cone out of my mouth if I was still addicted to games like I was. Game cravings have been low. Did have more urges to check what was going on in the gaming world and news but those impulses came and went. Game music still likes to pop in my head here and there but I'm starting to realize when a tune comes and try to change my thinking. While we are about to move in I think I have found my hobby as a tinkerer. Our freeze had a small leak near the ice machine so I took off the whole front panel and fixed it myself. It was like a puzzle and I enjoyed and got frustrated at the same time. Anyway next post might be Saturday if I have energy or Sunday for sure. Have a great day. -Cheers Tzen

Day 36 & 37 (Sunday & Monday) Posts are gonna be combined for the next few days it's crunch time on our house before we move in! Starting with Sunday. Such a good night sleep! Slept like a baby all night long. After a great night sleep I read the news like normal and then something magical happened. So my stomach problems long story short has been constipation. Oh boy, did a bowel movement just make all the pain go away it was amazing and disgusting at the same time! After that great morning it was time to work on the house. No cravings still but I can't beat the video game music I don't know if I'll ever win on that front but as long as it stays in my head and I don't go hunting for it online to watch videos I should be okay. Onwards to the night my best friend got married. While my friends are some party animals I feel like I'm the old man of the group. I don't enjoy drinking or doing any partying it's never really been my thing. I have always enjoyed the quiet evenings inside playing games growing up and even in adulthood. While it was me and my wife we stood on the outside and it was nice to watch my friend enjoy his night and how happy he looked. As the reception was leaning toward the end we left just a bit early to prepare for the long day tomorrow. Today was a long day. Had a physical so no food until after blood work. Morning routine was fine after another great night sleep. Went to get my physical and after talking with my doctor I realized I haven't branched out to all the news areas I thought I had. With him being Puerto Rican I didn't have about the governor and what's been going on over there. It was nice to realize something new. After the doctor it was a quick trip home to change and work on the house. More video game music in my head but it leaves just as quick as it comes into my head. After taking on the house by myself today it was time to head home and do some grocery shopping. With Taco Bell in our tummies it was time for some relaxation before bed. Reading the book before bed has been so beneficial to me. It's crazy how good this book is and it fills my imagination much more than games did. If I could go back and do week 1 again it would be to start reading at night immediately. If anyone makes it down here and are about to start your journey pick up a book, any book, and read it during your first week it will make so much more of an impact than when I started to late in the game. -Cheers Tzen

Day 33-35 Back home from our trip. Vacation was good and nice to spend time with my wife. Slept horrible all trip, 3 hours a night at most. Stomach still not feeling great so I'm looking forward to Monday for my physical. Anyway dinner and bed soon hopefully a long night sleep in my own bed. Will report more tomorrow. While being sick is a high time to play games to get my mind off of things I now look more forward to reading my book at night. Anyway have a good day. -Cheers Tzen

Day 32 (Wednesday) Well today was driving day. I have made the drive plenty of times but 3 hours is still a long time in the car. Made it to our first checkpoint for lunch and Barnes and Noble. Decided to check out the Kingkiller chronicles by Patrick Rothfuss. After that it was one more checkpoint and then our destination. No game cravings but the game music sure does not want to leave my mind. It came and went on the drive but I did my best to kick it out when it popped up. After making it too the hotel it's was check in, clean the room, and then lay in the bed. After getting up to shower and crawl back in said bed I decided to make my nighttime routine of reading instead of being on my phone. I forgot how enjoyable reading can be so I hope to keep this up now for forever. Anyway bad night sleep projected because it's not my own bed see y'all in the AM. -Cheers Tzen

Day 31 (Tuesday) So the whole 3 hours of sleep business was not fun. Appointment in the morning and then attempted to do work at the house. The work however I felt was not a lot but what can you do when your falling asleep at every turn. The cravings have been mild feeling stressed and gaming not to relieve it has sucked but that's okay that's why we fight against it to rewire our brains. With my sleep schedule being off I attempted the no phone 2 hours before bed and I read for the first time tonight. Albeit, it was my wife's Dear Evan Hanson book it helped me get to sleep after the first 120 pages. We are going to a book store today so I'm going to look for something I'm interested in. My wife and I are going on a trip for the next few days. I'm excited but it will be odd not bringing the switch while we have downtime in the hotel room. I'll still be posting. It's going to be a long drive today. Have a good day everyone. P.S. If anyone is on we be at the book store in about 3 hours. So fantasy or a good series reccomendation would be awesome! -Cheers Tzen

Day 30 (Monday) Well it's the morning of day 31 and it was another rough day. Stomach knocked me pretty flat of my feet most of the day. On top of being constipated I have a odd symptom of not being able to burp so it all doubles up on me. House was fine not much work to be done on it right now and the rest of the day went alright other than being lethargic all day. Was hoping for a good night's sleep but after sleep almost 13 hours last night I was awake most of the night. When I got back out of bed last night the game cravings hit hard! I wanted to play game until I could fall asleep but I decided to do some excersies to drain my body out. Now the morning of day 31 and 3 hours of sleep my goal is just survive the day until bed and try to fix this sleep schedule. Have a good day. -Cheers Tzen

Day 29 (Sunday) Today was a rough day not because of cravings but general unwell. The day was fine no work at the house but we had family events today. They went great but could have been better if I was feeling better. Once we got back home late at night I showered up and climbed right into bed. Felt better when I got to lay down and fell asleep. Tomorrow will be better after a good long rest. -Cheers Tzen

Be wary of nostalgia it can be stronger than you think in the mind. Some thoughts of gaming from the past can recall the longing of those days and bring the mind into a place that gaming is ok again. Going cold from gaming media for me showed me that it was much harder to shake not checking the latest updates more than playing a game. I still find myself humming to gaming music so far in my detox but as of now I think listening to my favorite tracks still isn't a good idea as you think about the game the music is coming from. My most recent song was Pokemon red and while I was tapping away to the beat I also imagined playing the game along with the song. As a music teacher you know how strong music can be in any situation so just be careful if you decide to listen/play to game music. Great posts and keep going strong! -Tzen

Day 28 Four weeks done!! I can't believe it's already almost been one full month of no gaming and gaming content. These past four weeks have been a challenge and eye opening. I feel like the connection between my wife and I have started to regrow like a new tree. The pain is there and will take time but I'm adamant on fixing my lying self to be a more honest person to her. Another problem I need to fix that was a bit apparent today is procrastination so I'm gonna add it to the list. Day off from the house we had our appointment in the morning together which went good and then lunch out as she had other matters to attend to during the day. After she left my goal was to head over to the house and check up on a few things but for some reason I didn't. After our lunch I just sat in the recliner and was on my phone. Putting off on going to the house and I wonder why. Why didn't I have the motivation to just go do it real quick and come back home? Is this leftover from the addiction about being unmotivated to do stuff? I don't know but I need to explore that side of me more. After the house it was breakfast for dinner and some studying. Feeling pretty tired and sore still from moving and the bad nights sleep in hoping for some good shut eye tonight. Have a good day everyone. -Cheers Tzen

Day 27 (yesterday) Well I didn't post day of again but that's okay, I was exhausted yesterday. Morning routine of news and waking up still going strong might try to branch out but for now this routine is still good. Then the day started. Work at the house in the morning no thoughts of games or music coming into my head today. After leaving early from the house I made my wife dinner so she could have something when she got home since I'll be out late. I knew moving would be a challenge not because of the items. I'm a decently strong person and can hold my own. It was more along the lines of some video game talk that might happen. Funny enough I told his mom that I was off video games cold turkey but didn't have the chance to tell him due to getting started moving his items. Video game talk was really low which was great and I felt pretty good afterwords. For one, it helped that I was purely exhausted and all I could think about in the end was laying down; but no thoughts came back into my mind and no cravings, it felt good. I felt it was also a small win that I could hold a small conversation and not break me. Getting back home I had a small snack and just laid on the couch until I could move towards the bed. So one small fact bout me though is I have a small amount of hypochondria so for my sore chest my mind wanted to think that I was having a heart attack. So while dead tired it took some time to fall asleep because of it. Once I got to sleep I was out. -Cheers Tzen

@fawn_xoxo I think while my wife and I are in an open state of talking I'm going to bring up that ending sentence. She has said before that she hopes I can play in moderation but I don't know if that is her being open about my return (if even) or if she would rather see me quit. Also thanks for following my journal man I'm starting to use that like button more on other people journals it's nice to see that someone read my posts.

Day 26 It's crazy to see that I'm already on day 26. I know to some of the veterans around here that can seems like such a long time ago but to me, time is flying. Morning routine still the same of reading and catching up with world news. Breakfast and off to work on the house still work to be done! Driving down the road I subconsciously tapped to Pokemon red route 1. It was a odd thought but it was the only time a video game jumped into my head the whole day. As we got ready for work I hugged my wife and had a small breakdown. It's hard to look in your partners eyes and just see all the pain behind them it still tears me to pieces. I think it will be a while before I am able to forgive myself for what I have done. After that, we put in our hours and happily came home to a shower and leftover pizza. After drinking our night time tea it was off to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. After working at the house I'm helping my best friend move into an apartment. We don't get to hang out as much as we did growing up but that's okay. I may not have had the best brother growing up but I sure as hell got one that makes up for it. Have a good day everyone. -Cheers Tzen

Day 25 Today was good and meaningful. My wife and I decided to go ahead and start some marriage counseling sessions today. I'm writing it on here to know that this was day 1 of us repairing the damages that I made. After this however, I won't be bringing it back up again as that is more a private matter between us. This journal is for my gaming addiction and beating it. The morning consistency has been great just from reading the news it's great to keep up what's going on in this messed up world. Off to the house for a few hours of work was next. I'm slowly realizing how less of games I already thibk about. The media is still a bit stronger but it's also becoming less and less the more I think about how bad I let it run my life. I don't hate gaming I think what people do and the community it can create is great! But it's a world that I either need a healthier mind about or I need to leave forever. I went to lichess.com two days ago to check out the online chess scene and I don't think I'm up to that just yet. It's just similar to an online game right now rather than me seeing it as a healthy board game. Well, after the house work was our initial counseling session which went good and will be returning. We ended the day with some pizza from pizza hut and I'm about to study for a bit before bed. Baby steps people we can do this! -Cheers Tzen

Day 24 My mind wants to keep putting this journal off a nights and do it the next day. I need to fight these thoughts and just do it while I'm laying in bed. My goal for the start of week 5 is to submit the entries at a set or around a set time. I think consistency is always helpful and my journals should take priority when I'm just laying in bed on my phone. No excuses! Yesterday was a decent day. Morning routine as normal and then off to the house. I got to mow the lawn and for some odd reason I always feel really good once I'm finished. If the dopamine is switching there then im ok with it. Started to really think about some hobbies and bowling came to mind; except the nearest ally is 30 minutes away so scratch that. My wife and I had another good talk and it's hard to see the pain I caused in her eyes. Trust was broken and it's going to take a lot for me to rebuild it. Getting home it was dinner shower and bed. I was especially knocked out after taking some benadryl last night. -Cheers Tzen

@fawn_xoxo I thought about taking up chess again. Learning the strategies and actually investing time in learning to play but I'm concerned that playing online with people would be borderline gaming. So I'm still investigating and reading the hobby page as well. Day 23 Today was another hard but eye opening day. We were planning to work on the house but instead my wife and I sat down and had a long discussion over multiple things. I don't want to give details but gaming has impacted a lot of our marriage and hi came to the conclusion that; I was putting gaming first instead of my wife. I wasn't picking up jobs and I would lie just to play games. My brain has been so washed that I have been using games as an escape and it has turned me upside down on how I view life. I think I have a lot longer to go on beating this but I realize now on how bad it really was. Getting back home I started to feel like my normal self. It might take a bit longer to get back to my is self but I'll get there. Anyway back at the house to do actual work tomorrow and the start of being a better husband. -Cheers Tzen

Day 22 Today was a pretty rough day. No work at the house and depression set in hard today. Did some grocery shopping but spent the rest of the time on my phone and doing nothing. Just one of those days that I need to push through. It will get better. -Cheers Tzen