wookieshark88

It was my first at fault accident in fourteen years of driving so I had a really good run. I'll have to beat that record now. Thanks for your kind words.

Cam, if any of this post needs to be edited or deleted, can you please take care of that for me? My mind isn't working the best right now, and I'm not sure if I'm using my best judgement in making this post. I just know that I have felt healing and growth by being a part of this community so that's why I'm taking a chance and writing all of this. Thanks everyone for the kind words. I really need them right now. Yesterday and today sucked. Yesterday I was going from school to work and I got into a car accident. It was completely my fault I I think that I may have injured a pregnant lady who was a passenger in the vehicle. I feel like complete shit about it. I obviously didn't want to get in a car accident. I don't want to hurt anybody, ever. I'm scared. I'm scared for the other people's safety, but I can really ask them how they're doing. I'm pretty sure they hate me. I'm also scared of getting sued, and all of that. I really have been giving 100% to doing good for myself, my family, and everybody around me. Could I have wrecked that with one second of lapsed concentration? Today sucks too. My grandma died this morning. I love her so much. She's like a third parent to me. She was stable and there for me many times when I didn't have anybody else. She was doing really crappy and doesn't feel pain anymore, but it still hurts. I want to go see my family right now, but I need to deal with my car accident stuff first. I don't want to be flying thousands of miles away when I don't have my home in order. I just need to figure it out. I'm determined to keep going and do the best I can. I'm going to come up with gratitude list no matter how shitty I feel. I'm thankful for: Having my mother in law here to take care of my baby.Having peace and quiet in my room.Buying a good car insurance policy.Not being hurt.Having a wife who is sensitive to my difficulties.Having a cat who is hanging out with me while I stay hidden in my room.My wife for calling me to tell me to eat. I am really hungry.Not having any panic attacks. I'm determined to keep it that way.Not going in to work today. I really have no use for 10 hours of futility today.The therapist appointment I have scheduled for today. Who knew that when I scheduled it, it would be at just the right time for me.Quitting video games and nicotine. I'm still not going back to them no matter what.Making this list longer than usual because I can. I guess it's my way of saying F you to my circumstances at the moment.

I really appreciate everybody who read and liked my journal entries. Sooner or later I'm going to catch up on all of your journals. When I go through rough patches, I have to shrink my world a bit so I can manage the essentials. As much as I love to read everything here, I just have to limit my non working screen time because the screen gives me anxiety when I don't feel on top of things. Rest assured that I still think you are all awesome. Work was the same as Friday. It's funny because I always want to be reasonably productive at work, but sometimes I just end up spending the whole day pretending to be busy. I would be happy to make my company a little money, but I can only do that if they help me out a little too. Oh well, they didn't dock my pay for accomplishing nothing so I guess can tolerate it. Hopefully the support people can come through for me, and I can start working again. It really gets boring to just aimlessly click around on a screen so I don't get a reputation for being lazy. Thankfully I'm home now with my wife and my sleeping baby. They're so wonderful to me. My baby was cranky again this evening which is rough, but I know she's teething and nothing is wrong with her. Hopefully she feels better soon so she can get back to laughing and smiling. I'm thankful for: Having a professor that I like this semester. It's so nice to look forward to my class.Not being overwork at my job. I think that's a positive way to put it.Talking to my parents on the phone today. I feel really good about calling them on a regular basis.My replacement light bulb came in the mail today. I can wait to have this thing at work.My wife for making dinner tonight.My car. I've had it for fourteen years, and it has never broken down on me.Being able to make and execute plans to better myself and my family.Remembering to be mindful throughout the day. This is so vital for me to get through my days.Feeling happiness deeper inside of me than any anxiety or depression. My core self is truly happy with everything I have been blessed with. The chemical balance will get better.Being able to understand myself at a deeper level due to meditation.

That means a lot. Thanks! I don't want to be an example of giving up when things are hard to my baby. I want her to know that adversity can just be a training ground for a successful life..

Today was much like yesterday in terms of my ups and downs. I used all of my techniques and tools to make sure that we could all enjoy the day together as a family. We had a good day together going to swim class then to a museum later in the day. My baby had her ups and downs too because she's right in the middle of a growth spurt and her top teeth are getting close to coming out. She enjoyed the museum, especially the exhibits that she could touch. I'm thankful for: Bringing my baby to a museum. I've been wanting to do this for a while.Working through my tough times to still have good days.The pork carnitas burritos that I'm making.My wife and I making a good team.Getting a late afternoon nap. It helped out a lot.Mindfulness exercises.Completing everything that we set out to do this weekend.Being able to give my baby a good life.Getting close to the end of the semester.Having dreams.

Today was really interesting. I woke up today in a bad funk. I could feel the anxiety and depression which is awful. My wife was feeling it too because her job has been rough for her lately and she really loves Paris. Because I'm getting pretty good at coping with these kinds of problems, I took charge. We sat down on the couch and we just talked and made lists. We made our grocery list, my to do list for the day, her to do list for the day, and a to do list for us to accomplish together. We went for a nice long walk around the neighborhood together and just talked about how we felt, and it really helped us both. She was awesome and got her list done. I told her to make sure to cross things off the list and take a moment to feel good about it, and she did. Of course I did the same. I was feeling better, but then my mood sunk again for some unknown reason. We went grocery shopping together and had fun like we always do, and my mood lifted again. She made us a wonderful dinner while I meditated and did some laundry. Now I'm here journaling which is on my to do list for the day. I feel good right now, and I'm making sure to notice how I feel and be happy about it. I'm really happy that I have learned how to deal with these rough patches in my life. I'm thankful for: Getting my direct deposit set up to include my baby's college fund. I want the best for her.The wonderful dinner that my wife made.Walking and talking with my wife. Walking and talking is one of my favorite social activities.Having the tools that I need to get through my mental struggles.Fighting through cravings that I had for video games and cigarettes. I don't need that crap.My baby saying "Dada". It was so wonderful to hear it.Getting some homework done. I need to keep on doing some every day.The natural light bulbs. They really help.Having a good doctor. That is such an important thing to have.Feeling really good right now.

Today was a decent day. I went to work and started working on all my assignments. Things just didn't go smoothly there as I just hit a bunch of walls all day long. I was supposedly granted access to a program that I need to do my work. It didn't work so I called support. They referred me to a person who referred me to a person who referred me to a person... On another task, I need support from a different group that didn't do their portion of the task correctly. I called an emailed, but I got no response. On a third task, I was trying to complete something that I'm learning for the first time, but my mentor took the task and just did it himself. This left me shuffling my papers on my desk, clicking around on different screens, and surfing the net. I felt so shitty, and my depression started to kick in. I felt like people were talking about how lazy I am (they're not). My focus just disintegrated at that point. I felt so disgusted with my job, and I felt trapped and scared. I kept it all inside because the last time I reached out for help in the workplace I ended up stigmatized in the workplace. What upgrades this day to decent is the fact that it's Friday and I don't have to go back until Monday. I'm thankful for: Feeling pretty good for the first half of the day.The baby smiles I've been getting since I got home.Being able to do some homework during my lunch break. I always do this, but I never list it here.My headphones. They helped me to block out some unnecessary stimulation.Having leftover pizza today.A cat on my lap to cheer me up.Getting my stair climbing in today.Having a journal to decompress.Having a plan to finish school and start working for myself.Being home.

Thank you! It wasn't intentional in the beginning, but I kept doing it consciously after a while. It's a good tool for reflecting on my day, and that's part of why I journal! Today was AWESOME!!! My test went well, work was good, and playing with my baby was good too. These are all reasons for a good day, but not the reason why today was awesome. I went to the doctor today and she said that I could start easing back into a less restricted diet. I had PIZZA...with TOMATO SAUCE!!! It was so delicious. I'm practically post coital right now, haha. I'm just sitting here grinning like I lost my virginity. Oh yeah, my cholesterol levels are now excellent. That's a good thing too, but not as good as pizza. Tomatoes, garlic, onions, peppers, green tea, split pea soup, citrus... these are some of my favorite things to eat, and I had been abstaining from them all for a month (except for the split pea soup which was its own unique disaster). I met with my adviser today at school, and we're working on a game plan to get me graduated as soon as feasible which is great too. I get to take an online class during the winter session which is awesome because it'll save me about 1500 miles on my car, allow me to work normal hours, and get me a little closer to graduation. I mean it's not nearly as great as pizza, but it's still good. I'm thankful for: PIZZAMy wife for ordering the pizza.My baby for letting me cut her finger and toe nails without losing her composure.Good cholesterol levels.My adviser for really taking the time to work things out with me.PIZZAGetting some training at work today. It feels good to learn, and I want to be great at my job. I've never left a job without mastering it first.Finding out somebody I know in person practices meditation and journaling like I do.My lightbulbs.PIZZA!!!!

Today was a really good day! I was able to sleep in a bit because I didn't have work today. When I got up, I just got to play with my baby! We had fun hanging out and laughing like we do. Then my mother in law came over and let me get in a good four hours of studying surrounded by my natural light bulbs and box! After that, my baby and I went to the educational toy store and had fun checking out everything they have there. Of course we left the store with a new little toy for her! What to you do when you get a new toy? You go straight home and play with it! That's what we did of course, haha. We played more, and I got to assemble my new living room lamps! I can light this place up really bright now for the times when I need it. After I put my baby to bed, I started batch cooking roasted veggies and kielbasa which is what I'm doing now as a write in my journal. I'm thankful for: Having an excellent day!Having a baby. It means I have an excuse to go to the toy store!Natural light bulbs. What a lifesaver.Batch cooking. A one day effort makes lots of days to follow much easier.Having pets. They add so much to a home.Being happy. It makes all the difference in life.Reading. It's such a nice way to relax.My baby bjorn. I get to play kangaroo with my baby in public, haha.No stomach pains again!Being ready for my test tomorrow.

My anxiety is just brought on by depression. It typically starts with sluggishness, develops some sadness, then ends up with feelings of anxiousness. I'll definitely do a status check to see if there's anything else. Today was much better for me. I had more energy throughout the day and felt pretty decent. My focus was sharper than it has been for a while too. Also, I got my natural light bulbs today! I studied for two hours with this bulb and my light box on either side of me, and it felt really good! I got a little lamp fixture for my desk at work so I can have a bulb there for as long as I need it. I'm still waiting for my living room lamps with side reading lamps so I can hang out in the light on the couch. I told my friend about my natural light bulbs, and he called me a lizard, haha. I'm okay with being a lizard if it means I'm a happy lizard! I'm doing my exercises, meditation, vitamin D, lights, and eating well. I'm looking to destroy this seasonal drag on my life and kick butt all winter long! I'm thankful for: My new light bulbs and light box. They made a good difference for me today!Getting in touch with my adviser at school. We're refining my plan to get my degree!Being much more productive at work today. The last few days have been so sluggish.Getting closer to being caught up in class. I have tomorrow off so I can make more progress!Having a lot of time to hang out with my baby tomorrow! Once I'm done studying, we're going to party!Having a supportive wife who is understanding of my difficulties.No stomach discomfort at all today! I have my doctor's appointment on Thursday so I hope I get to expand my menu.My baby for bringing me constant joy.Being able to take things one day at a time. Slight Edge mentality is awesome.Having my most productive meditation session in quite a while.

Today was a really normal day for me, but mentally it was rough again. My focus level is not good, and I felt anxiety throughout the day. There were some good things that happened today. My baby was kneeling and playing with her toy! I would just put her on her knees, and she was able to balance like that for a few minutes. She looks so incredibly grown up when she's upright! It was definitely the highlight of my day to be able to play with her for a little while before she went to bed. I'm thankful for: My baby kneeling upright!Finally getting around to contacting my adviser about making a specific plan to finish my degree.Getting closer to the end of the semester.Getting some studying done during my lunch break.Having a warm and comfortable home.Having a nice cat to sit with me.Having a happy baby.Having a dinner that didn't take long to prepare.Listening to my audio book.My light box.

Today has been a really sluggish day for me today. I got everything done that I needed to do and had fun, but I just felt so weighed down. The good thing is that I got myself a light box to help me out. I sat in front of it for ten minutes and felt a little bit better for a while. I got some full spectrum bulbs for my study, the living room, and my desk at work too. Hopefully that will help with my winter blues. I've been taking the vitamin D, exercising, eating well, and the rest of that too so hopefully things will go better. I'm thankful for: My baby's first tooth. I hope it stops hurting her soon.Talking to my parents today.My wife for making a nice macaroni and cheese today.Getting to relax.Being able to read for a while.Spending the day as a family.Getting closer to the winter solstice so the days can start getting longer again.Being able to get one day closer to my dreams.Having a wonderful family that helps me get through tough patches.Watching my baby grow up little by little.

Today was a really nice day. There was no rushing around to do things or any of that. We got plenty of things done though. The most important thing we did was set up my daughter's college fund. I want her to be able to pursue a goal or dream without becoming saddled with life changing debt. We had brunch at our favorite German restaurant after doing that. I also didn't have the slightest sign of stomach pain today! This is the first day since it all started that my stomach was completely normal all day. I feel like writing about the day my daughter was born. It was such a crazy day. We had been in the hospital for two days already when my daughter was born. My wife was 10 days past her due date and the doctors were gradually upping the procedures to induce her labor. I slept there both nights on the crappy fold out hospital couch both of those nights because I wanted to be there for everything. About two hours before my wife went into labor, a woman across the hall from us was in active labor. She was obviously doing it all natural because she was screaming bloody murder and many horrible things I won't forget. My wife was leaning towards doing it all natural, but I thought she should just go as far as she could naturally before getting some pain meds to finish up the birth. Of course, it's her body so I just gave her my two cents and a pledge to support her no matter what. The poor woman put my wife firmly in my camp with regards to pain management. My wife starts getting close to the active labor stage and she's starting to hurt pretty bad and yell a bit like the other woman. She gets her medicine and gets really happy. We're laughing and telling jokes and all that good stuff. Finally, it's time to push the baby out, and all the staff is in the room. I ask my wife if she wanted me to put on some music to keep things light. She happily says that's a good idea. I go to youtube, pick my song, and put the volume on max. All of a sudden the room is filled with "I'm coming out" by Diana Ross and the hearty laughter of everyone in the room. Laughs were had, baby was born, and I cut the cord! There's more to the story, but I just wanted to write about something really dear to me. I don't think I've ever written it down before, and it's something that I don't want to be lost. Remember to find ways to laugh as much as possible! I'm thankful for: My baby's first tooth!My wife's tasty dinner.Getting a lot of studying done today.Book sale at the library! I got five books and an audio book for $7!No stomach discomfort at all!All of the different national cuisines. I love them all!Having a wife who loves to laugh with me.Having a baby who loves to laugh with me.Not missing a single important moment in life since quitting games.Setting up my baby to have good options available to her.

As you get further away from the games, your mind will start to clear up. As that happens you'll start to be able to expand yourself into different activities. I often justified my gaming by using the same logic. I told myself that it was much better than watching TV because my mind was much more of an active participant in the activity. The problem with the games is that I would never feel like I had satisfied my appetite for games no matter how much I played them. I could play 16 hours a day and still feel like I wanted to play more. That is why I have a problem. If I could play for an hour and feel like I was ready to move on to another activity, I wouldn't be be here. There is no activity in my life, including studying, working, or other "positive" things, that I should feel that way about. It leads to a horribly unbalanced and unhappy life. That is my answer to your brother's (and my old) justification of gaming. I hope these words make it feel a little clearer to you.

You have such beautifully written journal entries! I imagine that Arnold Schwarzenegger's journal would look similar to this. Keep it up!

I read your whole last journal entry, and it was awesome. I'm working on the natural conversation thing myself. It's hit or miss, but I think that it'll get better as I continue practicing. However, none of that is the reason why I "liked" your post. It was because I saw you were thankful for fish tacos. I love fish tacos!

I've heard so many good things about Dan Carlin's work! I think I'll have to add his stuff to the list of things I want to read or listen to. Great job on your grades! I know the awesome feeling of getting that test back with an awesome score!

Hi, I'm also a recovering addict! I'm a bit further along in the journey of recovery and through my personal experience I want to say that it is worth it to keep on going!

I feel like your path in recovery is similar to mine. That's so awesome that you enjoyed the Slight Edge as much as I did! One thing I've done since I read it is formed a few small habits to always remind me of how I want to live a slight edge life. For example, when I see a penny on the ground, I pick it up and think about how the small easy choices are crucial to success. I know that it would take a ton of pennies just to buy...anything, but it's just a symbolic action I perform to keep the slight edge on my mind.

I'm loving that you're right back on track! You're tenacity is quite inspiring! I can only hope that I would be able to do it as quickly as you if I ever had to.

Zala, Stay with us! You're right in the middle of the hardest part, and you're doing it! It may feel rough, but it's so worth it!

Jay, This is a really great topic that you brought up. Like you, having a great family is my biggest definition of success. I really don't want to be another face in the crowd either. As for money, I just want enough so that I don't have to care about it, but I don't think that would ever happen no matter much I could ever make. I don't think that entrepreneurship is the golden standard of success. For me, I'd love to be an entrepreneur. It's something thank I've been learning more about because I want to give it a shot once I finish my education. I'm just plainly too busy right now to take on anything else. My main goals right now are family, self, school, and work. I am finding success in these areas every day, and it's very fulfilling to me. No matter how much money I made, I would not feel like a success if I didn't have the family of my dreams like I do today.

Today was a good day. I only had to work eight hours and got in a little extra study time. The wife and I had sushi for dinner which is a real treat! It's probably my favorite food left that I can still eat. Now it's just time to relax. I really need this time to just take it easy and recharge for a bit. I'm really happy that I didn't have any stomach pain today! That always makes for a good day. Hopefully I can repeat that again tomorrow. I'm thankful for: Having a successful week.Having time to relax and talk with my wife.Having sushi for dinner.Being able to laugh and enjoy all the different things in my life.Being able to apply all the different lessons I've been learning.Feeling content with my life.Having goals that I'm getting closer to achieving.Another day without stomach pain!Mindfulness.Not feeling depression today.

Today was good! It was a very normal day. That's definitely a good thing. On my way to class, the highway was really backed up because of an accident. I was definitely going to be late to class, and there was nothing I would be able to do about it. Instead of stressing out about it, I just accepted it. I knew that I did everything right and these things happen. This same scenario has happened to me many times in the past, and I would just feel so anxious and mad about it. I knew that my efforts were good, and I decided to be happy about that. This is something that I feel proud of! I'm thankful for: Not feeling depression today.Not getting caught up in anxiety today.Getting a nice amount of studying in today.Learning a bit at work.Having a nice and easy dinner.My baby babbling lots for my parents.My wife for being understanding.Getting one day closer to finishing the semester.Socializing with people at work.No stomach pain today.

Thank you for the kind words! My longer journal entry was definitely helpful in making me feel better. I took 2000 IUD of vitamin D today. The1000 IUD was on sale so I got those. I did some research on the blue lights too. I might grab a full spectrum bulb to use at work. I actually had a pretty good day today! The decision to rest proved to be the right thing to do. I was sharper at work, and more effective while doing homework. I still feel physical depression, but thankfully my mind is positive. I don't have as much to write about today. I'm thankful for: This wonderful community. I really can say it enough.My wife for making a wonderful butternut squash soup for dinner.My baby for getting excited when I get home from work. It's one of the best things I've ever experienced.Having a good day at work. I'm getting better at it a little bit at a time.Being able to smile throughout the day.Having a purring cat on my lap.Only having mild stomach discomfort today.Being still at the end of the day.Being content with doing my best.Having a sense of direction and forward progress in my life.