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I can confirm you aren't alone on this one. I have also been struggling with this. I think I've had this negative outlook for a long long time but when I was gaming it just numbed all those feelings. Now that gaming is gone, I have to fight the negative thoughts more often. Even though I've made significant progress in multiple areas of my life. I've also noticed my emotions have been more extreme since I gave up the games. Keep focused on your goals and inevitably good things will happen. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes. Rooting for you.

Day 53: June 27, 2019 Today was a firm step in the right direction. I ate much better but certainly not perfect. I had an enjoyable day at work. I think I've turned the corner on this girl stuff too, those few days away really gave me what I needed and today confirmed it. Comfortable moving forward now with the expectation of getting back to my health and fitness routines tomorrow. My emotions should normalize now as well. The expectation is to have my best day in 2+ weeks tomorrow. Anything less will be disappointing. Game free: 46 of 53 days

Damn, man! I'm not sure I could ever do something like that. Haha, good for you. Rooting for you.

Welcome back. I'm sorry to hear about the family issues, this must be a difficult and challenging time for you. You sound like you have the right attitude and are dealing with this as best as you can. I'm rooting for you!

Day 52: June 26, 2019 Not proud of my day off. While I did manage to take care of necessary errands, I failed to follow my meal plan, failed to go to the gym and had an emotional swing. But I did gain some clarity about why I've been struggling. I feel much better prepared to proceed with my emotions and expectations in check. I think about how smooth things were going only a month ago and how unstable I've been these past 2 weeks and it's clear what mistakes I made. I gave my permission to be happy to another human. I don't want to dwell on it anymore, I've done enough of that, I just want to find my own independent happiness. Tomorrow should be an interesting day for me and I'm sure I'll have plenty to talk about tomorrow night. Game free: 45 of 52 days

@goodvibes Yes, I'm finding this very challenging lately. When I was gaming I was generally more emotionally stable than I currently am, however I knew I was hiding from the real issues in my life. Lately my emotions have been more unstable than nearly any other time in my life, certainly anything in the past 5 years or so. Thanks for sharing your story with me. I may not be able to relate to all of it but I see a lot of the same types of issues that I'm struggling with now. It's only now that my brain is off the video games that the clouds in my head have parted and I have been able to identify the issues. Dealing with the issues is now my main concern. You're an articulate guy and I'm glad you are a part of this community now. I really appreciate all the time you've taken to offer your wisdom and advice. I hope I can put it to good use. @Ambassador I'm guilty here. This is what I've done with Tiffani and many other girls from my past. The past 2 days I've realized what I've done, the power I gave to her in my own head, and I'm taking a big step back. I've long thought about giving meditation a real chance. I think I want to get started. Do you have any advice on the best way I can get started? Thanks again for your excellent advice and sharing your wisdom. I've read what you wrote multiple times and will reflect on it more as the days pass. Always appreciated.

@goodvibes Thanks Neil. You are certainly correct about giving them control and power. I'm quite certain that's what I've done with her. I have a hard time discovering what makes me happy now that I'm doing the detox. I know being around her makes me happy and that's both exciting and scary as heck. I need to find a way to be happy on my own without giving this power to another person. I just don't know how. How did you break free? Day 51: June 25, 2019 Spent most of my day at work. I'm really getting the hang of the actual work and mostly enjoy myself while working. Enjoy the people I work with and I feel valued and my contributions appreciated. So yay for that. Work has also become my main social outlet now. I work in a huge business with hundreds of employees so it's easy to find new people to talk to which is great for me and my goals to grow my social circle. I have my first day off after 6 straight days tomorrow and I'm looking forward to getting some errands done and having some personal time. Game free: 44 of 51 days

Hey man, can I ask where you live? I've noticed you studying french. Mon francais c'est pas tres bon. I studied french for many years also. It's one of the official languages of Canada although definitely not as widely used where I live. I've been thinking since I started the detox that I wanted to refresh with my French, I haven't seriously used it in many years. Best of luck to your GF btw.

I like the way you think. It actually seems simpler when thought of like this. I'm afraid I'm gonna be that guy who mistakes her kindness for interest. But like you said the other night, asking if she wants to grab a coffee after work is just coffee, nothing else. I think I may have an opportunity to have an extended convo with her in a couple days when we both finish work at the same time. I'll try these things and look for the cues. It seems crazy but I kinda want some closure one way or another. Obviously I want things to go in a certain way but I'd be relieved in some weird sense just to know that I don't need to expend anymore mental energy thinking about this all the time. Thanks for your wisdom, friend. You are a big help, truly appreciated.

@goodvibes Thanks for your suggestions. I will try the thought record exercise soon. I'm feeling a little down tonight and just don't have the strength/willpower/mentality for it at this moment. I appreciate your input. Day 50: June 24, 2019 What do you do when the only things that make you happy are the cause of all your problems? Gaming made me happy. It also ruined my life. Food makes me happy. I'm 40 pounds overweight. My life is so unfulfilling. I think today I realized how dangerous it is when you assign your happiness to another person instead of yourself. Lately the only thing that makes me happy is talking to Tiffani at work. I have to take a big step back and reevaluate my priorities. I think I'm days away from another emotional breakdown. I had a conversation with her today and while I can't pinpoint anything specific it just didn't go the way I expected it to. And it bothered me for the rest of the day. I stopped for fast food on the way home as some sort of coping mechanism. I'm doubting everything. I won't see her for a couple days now, maybe that's a good thing. I think I need some space and I need to find my own reasons to be happy. I have to find a way to breakthrough and progress. I wish I didn't feel so alone. My brain can be a toxic place sometimes and today it took me down a dark road. Don't know what else to say, just feel frustrated about everything tonight. Game free: 43 of 50 days

Day 49: June 23, 2019 A typical Sunday. A bit of a lazy morning but nothing unforgivable. Worked a 5 hour shift today from noon to 5pm. Then drove to my mom's for some spaghetti dinner and a haircut. Stopped by the gym for a very quick cardio workout just to get back in the swing of things and get a sweat going. Talked to the roommate for a bit also. Only had one chance to talk with Tiffani today. But the conversation we did have was really good. I was able to again thank her for letting me share her locker. I told her I was getting a haircut tonight and wanted her opinion on it tomorrow. She smiled and said sure. And we talked about the usual surface stuff as well. Happy with how it went today. I spent some time researching some meal prep stuff tonight. I'm all prepped to bring healthy meals to work now and for dinner's as well. I think I'm just gonna try a few different methods and find out what works best for me. But I want this aspect of my life sorted out. I'm sick of not prioritizing my health and fitness goals. This is the next step in my transition away from a life of gaming uncontrollably while neglecting my physical and mental health and well-being. I won the day Game free: 42 of 49 days

Thanks for the support guys! I'm going to delete everything I have left. That's really the mentality I've tried to maintain throughout this detox. I slipped up but I learned some valuable lessons on this difficult journey. I feel really motivated to conquer the 2nd half of this detox and beyond. You're right. Maybe I'm overthinking this? She makes me so nervous. I think everything I say to her sounds so stupid. I think you are right about the sooner the better. I'm going to look for opportunities like you described. I want to escalate in the right way. There's a coffee/tea place a short walk from our work.. maybe I can ask if she'd want to grab one after work sometime. The hardest part is we both work shift work, so our shifts don't always line up favorably for start/end times.. I might have to hang back in the lunchroom late once or twice and catch her at our locker haha. Thanks for the advice and support, I really appreciate it. I don't have many friends who I discuss this type of stuff with and another's thoughts are always welcome.

Hey John. I've been off the radar for a week dealing with my own shame. Just catching up with your journal now. Really sorry about all the struggles and losses man. Sending love and good vibes your way, I really hope you can pick yourself up and start to shine. You're a really talented artist and an articulate guy. You will come thru this stronger than ever, I have a good feeling. I want the best for you buddy. Rooting for you.

Day 48: June 22, 2019 TL;DR at bottom I relapsed. I played this old city building game I didn't get around to deleting. I started playing in a moment of weakness. I won't justify it or try to explain, it doesn't really matter. I played for about a week. Maybe 15-30 hours total over the week. It's been 4 or 5 days since I played last and I'm not looking back. I thought I was immune to the allure of video games, I thought my new lifestyle didn't have time for games anymore. I was arrogant. I was wrong. Not only did I relapse and game again for a full week but pretty much since I started working again I let all my new lifestyle habits relapse to the unhealthy ways of yesterday. My diet has been poor to say the least. I'm spending money on junk food on a daily basis lately. My brain justified it with this logic "You're too busy" "You're too tired" "You deserve to relax" I've eaten some healthy meals too but only between poor ones. My gym attendance has been spotty also. I haven't written in my journal for 8 days because I felt shame. I didn't have the heart to write about how I failed and just didn't want to face the truth. So I did what I did in the past. I did what I always do and what I've always done. I buried my head in the sand, pretended the outside world didn't exist and I gamed. I knew I would come back when I was ready. I'm back now. I will continue to journal about my life and my struggles to achieve the life I've always wanted. I can't promise it will make for exciting reading material but I'll always be honest. I've got a plan to fix my poor diet. In about an hour my slow cooker will be finished cooking my chicken which I'm using for all my meals for the next few days at work. I can no longer go to work and just 'hope' I eat right. It doesn't work. If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail. Step 2 is I'm going to start leaving my credit card at home. I take it with me all the time. But why? For emergencies right? In my entire lifetime how often have I needed to have a credit card to get myself out of a situation? I can count on one hand. These two steps alongside a newfound inspiration and developments in my personal life should be the push I need to get back to the way things were going only a couple short weeks ago. I won't bore you with the details now since I'll have plenty of time to talk about this stuff in other entries. So what's new? I've been putting in plenty of hours at work while trying really hard to be as social as I can. And something's happened. I've met a lot of new people and have exciting ongoing dialogue with dozens of fellow staff. Cool. But something in particular has consumed nearly every minute of my free thoughts now for days. There's this girl. Rewinding back to a year ago when I used to work here, she was someone I had occasional conversations with. I didn't know her well and she didn't know me well. It was always just surface level stuff "how are you today?" "Any fun plans this weekend?" you know what I mean. I thought she was one of the prettiest girls I've ever seen. But that was it. As much as I was attracted to her I didn't even entertain the idea of trying anything. Girls like her don't date guys like me. But lately things have really changed. Now I work in a department that is much closer to where she works and we see each other frequently while doing our jobs. Naturally we've been talking much more. There's been some really enjoyable conversations and some playful banter. A few days ago I was standing next to her talking for a couple minutes while she was doing her job. Don't remember what we were talking about but when I thought I should let her get back to her job I said "I'll stop bothering you now" and started to walk away and she looked at me and said "You're not bothering me" while smiling. That was the first moment where I thought.. holy shit that was definitely an indicator of interest. She wanted me to know I wasn't bothering her. That's when the wheels in my head started to turn. Omg, do I actually have a shot with this girl? Is she flirting or is she just a nice person? She's probably just being friendly right? Of course she is. But then yesterday happened. As I was leaving for the day, she was working by the exit so I had a chance to chat with her for another minute or two. We had a short convo about the weather or something and then she asked me whether or not I have a locker at work. Since even though I'm a returning employee who's a formality to be kept beyond the probationary period of 90 days, I don't actually have a locker right now. I told her no and explained that I'm never lucky enough to get to use the free daily lockers either. "You can use mine if you like... it's locker 115" Holy shit. Another strong indicator of interest right? She's probably just being nice. Girls like her don't date guys like me. So today I put my stuff in her locker and now we share a locker. I'm not gonna get too excited.. she really is genuinely a nice person, literally everyone loves her at work. She really could be just being nice. I can't deny it, I have a huge crush on her. I think about her a lot, replaying our conversations from the day in my head. But what if she's just being nice? Isn't it kind of a dick move to try to escalate on her right now? I don't wanna be that guy who mistakes a woman's kindness for flirtation or physical attraction. Like how selfish am I? I think the only thing to do here is just stay the course for now and see what develops from this. Now that we share a locker we have a connection at work. There's always a reason for me to talk to her. I'll keep an eye out for a couple more indicators of interest before I try anything I might seriously regret. This sure makes work a lot more exciting. So anyways, I've got a lot of reasons to get back on track with my goals. I'm continuing with my gaming detox, as well as my pushups challenge, gym visits, and healthy meal plans. I'll talk about those another time as this post has been long already. TL:DR ? I relapsed. It's okay, I learned a lot. I haven't gamed in 4-5 days since and as far as I'm concerned I'm back on track. Refocused on my health goals as well. Being more social has been very enjoyable and I'm speaking to dozens of people. I have a huge crush on a girl at work. She's probably just being nice. I'm excited about life again. I'm back and you'll be reading more boring posts about my boring life soon. Game free: 41 of 48 days

Day 40: June 14, 2019 Probably the best day I've had (goal wise) since I started working again. I knew I had to cut out the bad habits immediately before I risked throwing away all my hard work in the month prior. Ate clean all day and managed to hit the gym after work for cardio and my pushups. Strongly considered passing on the gym tonight but I knew I was just being lazy, I had no other plans and that it was possible I may have plans tomorrow and I didn't want to miss two days in a row potentially. I feel like I should write more but not sure what else to write about. My emotions and self confidence/worth are up quite a bit since returning to work and it feels great. I'm already halfway thru reading the game, it's an enjoyable read and inspires me to be more social which is great and something I aspire to improve on all summer long. Feel more comfortable at work each day and enjoy what I do. Gaming free: 40 days 100 pushups a day: 19 days

Yes, I can certainly plan them. When I was doing really well a couple weeks back I was planning out everything before. This past week or so since I started working again I think I've kind of gotten lazy with planning ahead and as a result I've gotten offtrack. Today was the best day I've had in a week so I may be getting back on track. But I've learned you cannot take your focus off your goals at all. Even the slightest let down and those bad habits creep back, its truly scary. Thanks for the advice and for reading!

Day 39: June 13, 2019 Today was my first day off in a week and it was a nice break. I didn't have a perfect day health wise but it was decent. I finished my pushups around 2pm at the gym where I did some cardio. But I had one not so great meal today also. I just spent the last few hours watching the raptors game. The raptors are NBA champs! Never thought I'd see the day Canada would be NBA champs! I'm back to work tomorrow and I'm counting on myself to refocus and get back on track with my health goals. Gaming free: 39 days 100 Pushups a day: 18 days

Day 38: June 12, 2019 An unremarkable day. My self confidence and general mood are doing much better since I've started to work again and I'm really happy about that. But it's come at the price of (so far) my healthy lifestyle plans and goals. Tomorrow will be my first day off since I've been back and thus an opportunity to get back on track. I must rise to the challenge. Don't have much else to say, just want to get to work tomorrow. Should be a more positive entry tomorrow! Gaming free streak: 38 days 100 Pushups a day streak: 17 days

Day 37: June 11, 2019 I've been more social in the past week since I started working again than I've been in the last 3 months combined. Not at all a stretch or exaggeration. I had no idea what I was missing out on. I genuinely feel much better about myself emotionally since beginning work again and making a pact with myself to be more social. My self confidence is up too. Feel really good about the interactions I had today. And there were many. I took a shift tomorrow so now I only have Thursday off but I'm happy to take the hours, I can use the money. My diet has been poor/disappointing for probably 5 days now and I'm pissed off about it. But I'm not worried. I know what has been missing. I will get things sorted out tomorrow and get back to crushing it very soon. Today was a good day. Gaming free streak: 37 days 100 pushups a day streak: 16 days

Day 36: June 10, 2019 Another mixed bag of a day. I made some good choices like going for a workout when I didn't want to and cooking & eating a healthy breakfast & lunch. But gave in to an evening junk food craving and probably wasted all the good work I had already done. I didn't track my meals today like I planned. I need to use the myfitnesspal app daily. It's the only way I can hold myself accountable for the "food" I put in my body. I've made it a personal goal to be way more social since I started working again and it's been a really successful effort so far. I've talked to dozens of people at work since I started and feel comfortable and fun while I engage these people. In the past I was the 'speak when spoken to' type but I realized during this detox how little that has done for me and I told myself I would engage anyone around me. Suddenly I have way more people to talk to and I feel welcome to do so. And talking to girls is always fun. My roommate keeps talking about E3. It peaked my interest so I had to check out some of the announcements. One of my fav games of all time is getting a sequel. I wonder if I can ever game again without it taking over? Guess that doesn't matter right now. One more day of work tomorrow before I get 2 days off. I've got to do better tomorrow. I'm disappointed in my commitment lately. Gaming free streak: 36 days 100 pushups a day streak: 15 days

Day 35: June 9, 2019 Had a better experience at work today. I think sometimes I just have bad chunks of time where I just want to feel sorry for myself and just bathe in the negativity. I should realize that this has been a problem for a long time and acknowledge it next time, that way I can accept it for what it is and move past it. I started this week so strong and faded at the end for what ended up being a good but not great week like I wanted it to be. I will try to keep better records of my progress this week, it should serve as a good accountability habit if nothing else. Not in the mood for a long entry tonight, I just kinda want to put this weekend behind me and start off fresh tomorrow. Gaming free streak: 35 days 100 pushups a day: 14 days

Yeah, you're probably right. I haven't been diligent enough about tracking my meals or my workouts. Thanks!

Day 34: June 8, 2019 Today was a mixed bag. Even though I actually had a good sleep last night and woke up feeling great I convinced myself that I deserved a Saturday morning coffee, so I broke my water streak. Not that big of a deal so long as I'm like 90% water I'm happy. Then I went to work and had a pretty good day. Getting more comfortable each day. Then something happened while I was leaving work. I waited 15 minutes for that new girl to also finish her shift so I could selfishly talk to her for a few minutes. While she didn't explicitly state it I am able to deduce with 90% certainty that she has a bf. Because of course she does. Our talk wasn't as fun as it was the other day. And when we parted ways and I walked to my car I started to feel shitty again. I have two voices in my head. One that is positive, hopeful, disciplined, and forward thinking. The 2nd is negative, critical, depressive, and self destructive. And when I started that walk to my car alone the 2nd voice took over. "She would never want you anyway" "Why do you even bother?" "Just give up" etc, etc. I spent the car ride home listening to the 2nd voice and all the negativity flowed thru me. I wanted to go home and bury myself in front of the computer, get immersed in something and stop thinking about everything. I wanted to eat garbage food. These are the things that brought me comfort for so long, they let me escape from my unfulfilling life. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling feeling guilt and shame about how bad I wanted to skip the gym and order a pizza, about how bad I wanted to just game all night long. I also felt alone. I wish I had more friends. I wish I had someone who cares about me in my life. Another Saturday night alone. I don't know where I summoned the strength but I put my gym clothes on and forced myself to go to the gym. And there I channeled the negativity into a really good bicep and shoulders workout. I crushed my arms. When I wear tighter fitting shirts my arms are starting to pop, I kinda love it. Guess what? I felt way better. I didn't have a great day, far from it, but I did learn a lot. I dunno, I still feel like I am so far away from my goals. I've been eating so much better than I did before I started the detox, I've been to the gym 6 times a week since day 1, I've spent my time so much more productively but I can't see the changes I want. It reminds me of this phenomenon from Atomic Habits called the Valley of Disappointment. I'm convinced I'm stuck in the valley right now. It's so frustrating. I'm working so hard but nothing's changed. That 2nd voice in my head just tells me to give up. "You're wasting your time." But I'm kinda done listening to that voice. It controlled me for so long and where did it get me? Further away from the fulfilling life that I desire. Just want to put this day behind me and move forward. I will learn from today and I will become stronger, wiser, more prepared for adversity. Onward I go. Gaming free streak: 34 days 100 pushups a day streak: 13 days

Day 33: June 7, 2019 Today was SOO hot and humid here. It's actually still super warm at 10pm and I don't have air conditioning. After 2 great nights of sleep I had a bad one last night. 4 hours of sleep, plus the weather and being back at work on my feet all shift.. I'm exhausted tonight, my legs feel like jello. But I'm getting more comfortable at work with my new duties and meeting lots of new people which means I'm being more social than I've been in months. I had one bad meal today. I blame myself for walking to the grocery store while starving. But I've been so great for days now, I won't dwell on it. I still had only water and did my pushups. Although I'm so tired I decided to pass on the gym today, planning on going tomorrow night. Not much else to say, it was an ordinary day. Looking forward to putting in a good day tomorrow. Gaming free streak: 33 days 100 pushups a day streak: 12 days Water only: 3 days

Thanks my friend! I always make sure to catch up with yours as well. Life is definitely going better the past few days but it requires a constant focus. Water only can be difficult at times (I really miss coffee some days) but I do feel much better overall since cutting soda out of my diet. I'm sure I'll break the water streak at some point but so long as I drink water like 90% of the time I'm quite pleased. Thank you ! ?