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Ikar

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Posts posted by Ikar

  1. Sounds good!

    I'm also sometimes impulsive about less important things or some random super interesting research I want to do, but I'm making a schedule for every single day from now on. It's somewhat loose and so it might happen one day I get all my errands done in the morning if I get hyper-motivated, but mostly I need something to go on to avoid feeling guilty about messing around the whole day, doing nothing about the real scarecrows.

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  2. There's still probably a lot of stuff to do, if you stop and think about it for a while. I always used to get enthusiastic about something, left a tab open and I'd have well over a hundred tabs open at a time before, so I recently got rid of them by putting them into bookmarks. I still want to visit those pages one day, so they are waiting for me there once I feel the most immediate stuff is dealt with and when I plan some time for them.

    Keep the detox up!

  3. Regarding yesterday, I did everything I was supposed to do, though I watched some Simpsons mainly though my exam studying time, but planning "free" fun time seems like a sound idea too. I decided to make a schedule for every single day from now on, as I hate the feeling of being a guilty headless chicken, because I need not only the what, but also when, otherwise some things will never get touched and that's wrong.

    Day 39:

    I got up way late, I'd guess mainly because my sleep was interrupted. I watched ep. 2 of Maps of Meaning (put the playlist into the spoiler) and I took some notes during it. I wrote to my friend on the topic as well and wrote a few posts here too. After that I went English teaching, watched some Simpsons and now I'm studying for the exam tomorrow.

    8-12: MoM, email send papers

    12-13: lunch

    13-14: photo

    14-15: clean

    15-18: exam

    18-20: self-authoring

    Plain and simple.

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  4. I'll start planning my days too. Right now, I have a daily to-do list, but I am kinda lost in time and get caught up in doing something else without structuring a proper time-frame. I've been back-and-forth on this for a few years, but I have to do it! I'll think about something more cohesive for this topic later.

  5. Kids - I think people have kids when they both decide that life is worth living and they'd like to extend that over another human. It's also quite a glorious project to basically take care of another human for about 20 years.

    Love - I've been recommended recently that love is truth and I'll see how that works in my next romantic relationship! Both to yourself (and the other person) and that's a pretty huge deal. If you are truthful, you can solve problems that will occur, because they WILL occur.. There are people that treat their dog better than they treat themselves and I think that's wrong.

    Happiness - I imagine happiness is something like going along the journey of life and seeing that things are actually looking pretty good. You can never fix ALL problems or do EVERYTHING. I've been at home for half a year playing games/watching streams and I don't think I've been in a happy place, quite the contrary. It was like one of those retirement "visions" that contained "drinking margaritas on a beach". For a week, sure. For next 10-15 years? You're probably gonna be an alcoholic by that point!

    Truth - This one is tricky. You really need to be responsible and in charge of yourself to tell the truth. That means you can't be addicted, as the addiction's personality is basically in control of you. Then you are only truthful to the extent of your addiction, but you can't be 100% truthful if you have it.

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  6. Day 38:

    Watching MoM in the morning turned out pretty nice, I didn't take any notes though. I prepared for the English teaching class and headed out to my grandma's.

    I hopped on my bike despite the fact it was pouring and took a bit of an intentional detour to explore the nearby area, so that'd be my bike trip! Vising the grandma was nice and the class went well too.

    I studied a bit for the exam today, but I'm so heavily biased towards audio/visual stimulation it's difficult for me to focus on text, even in a presentation. There's still tomorrow, so it's not too bad.

    I watched the Crumb documentary and it nicely depicted how the artist came to be. Made me feel happy about my family and also that my outlook on women isn't as skewed as his, though by a stroke of luck he's pretty well off. Straightening yourself out is no joke.

    @Ikar: exam, flight ticket, clean car

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  7. Ha, here I went I'd read a "normal" daily report and look at that. It's the real and unexpected stories that keep someone interested, very much like Jordan Peterson described to me this morning in his lecture. Some days are more interesting than others and deserve to be written about more than others.

    It really is staggering how vulnerable people are. I've been heading towards hell slowly, but steadily with my addiction. Yet, I can't even begin to fathom what would have to happen to bring me towards having suicidal thoughts or actually attempting suicide.

    I hope that woman find a way to straighten herself out and crawls out of the ditch she's in. You have one go on your life, so you might as well enjoy it, rather than just die prematurely. Happy to hear your girlfriend has her act together and that she was able to do to avert the tragedy that'd meet her classmate's friends and family.

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  8. Day 37:

    I'll make this one a bit longer, as I watched JP's lecture in the spoiler. It clicked a few more things in my (pathological, but no regrets) relationship with my ex and females in general. I think I'll actually use his long lectures as a replacement for the WWII documentary. I'm taking notes too for further use!

    I woke up after my alarm and got up only after my father called me on the phone. Reason being a horrible dream where the reality was that my mom was dead. That'd be a pretty appalling reality to live in indeed, especially after I confided to her with my gaming addiction.

    I also noticed a craving for a sense of belonging yesterday with someone else than my family. I've been struggling with how my real life was recently fractured and sought a unifying force. Mostly it's been gaming (history) and my ex (recently), that'd be there for me basically when I needed them. I still have the Internet (daily GQ, Youtube, various IRCs), but I am thinking along the lines of real-life connection. All the other factions seem sort of distant:

    high school friends - scattered throughout the country on universities, 1x month if I am lucky

    army friends - I meet with just one of them, thanks to the fact we decided to study the same university, others are scattered

    university -  we go there 1x week on the combined form, it's more like a hobby

    English teaching - 1x week I teach the same people

    All that taken into consideration, I have to be mindful of the fact that I am leaving to Iceland in a month, so that's gonna be a huge test of my independence. I'm also very vigilant about who's gonna be my next romantic partner and I'll make bloody sure I know what I'll be getting into.

    I got some photos in the morning, I checked a bit on the flight ticket, did Russian and sent the letters. I worked out in the evening and helped my father with a TV. I felt a bit bummed out that I am placing too much responsibility on myself, but I still got a decent chunk done regardless.

    Plan for tomorrow:

    prep English: 8-9

    Maps of Meaning: 9-12

    bike trip: 12-14

    grandma: 14-16

    English teaching: 16-18

    Exam prep: 18-20

    Crumb: 20-22

    We'll see how that goes!

    (clean car, flight ticket later)

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  9. 100% agreed with @James Good !

    It doesn't matter how much time you "wasted", as long as you come back (and it doesn't necessarily even have to be here) and have the honest intention of becoming better than you were. Some days you feel amazing and truly live up by that creed, whereas other days you are in self-inflicted despicable agony, where your integrity depends solely in keeping yourself away from downloading Steam.

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  10. I'd have a very different opinion on this a year ago, but today I try to understand what makes people do what they do. Chances are, if they are human and you are human too, you can be a horrible monster just like anyone else. That's quite a shift from the binary "I'll take a revenge while I am angry" X "I'll just get pooped on and never make a stand for myself".

    It's pretty rough if you have that at home on a daily basis and there's no way to have a reasonable talk with the other person though. Whatever decision you make, be mindful of yourself and be responsible!

  11. On 5/24/2019 at 7:55 PM, BooksandTrees said:

    There's also a woman who has kind of been interested in seeing me, but communication has been sporadic between responding within 5 minutes to waiting 5 days.  As we mentioned earlier I don't really give a shit about this right now and don't want to date until I'm in a more comfortable spot for myself.  I do enjoy her support, but I'm also not emotionally comfortable to give myself to somebody right now because I'm very fragile right now.  I don't want to just jump into something.  I fear one small turn could lead to an emotional collapse for me some days.

     

    On 5/24/2019 at 9:52 PM, Phoenixking said:

    This is a véry mentally healthy things to say. Very mature, buddy. Not easy to come to this point.

    Agreed! I'd also work on developing my career/work first if it's already your focus, rather than to get tangled up in a new relationship and try to work out an extra thing. Taking care of yourself first is the top priority. Speaking of which, the end of my past relationship was the impulse that got me here on this forum after facing some harsh truth!

    16 minutes ago, JustTom said:

    Just putting it out there: sometimes, due to their own low self-esteem, parents subconsciously don't want their children to succeed and/or leave home. 

    It depends on who your parents are. My parents also got shaken when I quit my day job. What they wanted me to be was to be safe and you are fairly safe in a day job. It's what they do too, so I can't blame them for that. I want some adventure in my life first though!

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  12. I forgot to mention I voted yesterday in the EU elections, so that took me an hour as well.

    Day 36:

    I got up pretty late, as a result of yesterday's meetup. I got some files together for the exam and did Russian. Brother came for lunch and after that I drove my family by car to a nearby village for a walk. I returned home with the car, watched some JP on addiction, did a bit of self-authoring and discussed women yet again with a Romanian friend of mine. I played some Scrabble and worked out in the evening and played a bit of basketball with some random guys that joined me.

    I know I slacked this weekend on whatever I wanted to do, so I'll pick up on that tomorrow. I'll go on a short bike trip and get my errands done tomorrow.

    @Ikar: clean car, photo, flight ticket, duo, read 1 page, send letter x 2, exam, bike trip, groceries

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  13. Day 35:

    I don't have too much of an idea about the order of the day, but I know I mowed the lawn, cleaned my desktop, did Russian and mycat (website where I write what I did as a teacher in English classes), played Scrabble with mom, had a bit of a headache during the day, so I laid down for a while too and I think that was it until the evening.

    We had a small meetup from high-school, where we watched hockey. I think I didn't meet them for about three months, so I told them I broke up with my ex, but that I understood why she did it, so I can't hate her for that and that I am looking forward to my next relationship. We shared some insights on women afterwards. We also got to talk about Iceland a bit. It was a nice evening!

    @Ikar: : clean car, photo, flight ticket, duo, work out, read 1 page, send letter, exam

    • Like 1
  14. On 5/24/2019 at 4:18 AM, Ambassador said:

    I'll try to micromanage my day tomorrow. I'll set up a detailed agenda with time for everything and a list of the most pressing stuff I need to do. I don't really like this approach, but I fear it has to do with my very poor conscientiousness, which compromises my working ethic, so I have to try a different approach, even if it hurts.

    I feel you on that, that's why I write down stuff I want to get done that might haunt/already haunt me for a few days to do them in my diary.

    8 hours ago, Ambassador said:

    I woke up today ready to plow through the tasks I schedule myself. Yet, my notebook didn't. Turning it on, I could see the screen was lit, but no image would come out of it. Great. And half of my stuff wasn't synced with Google Drive. I could borrow my mother's computer, but it would serve me nothing If I can't access my stuff inside my own. Unable to do anything useful towards my goals, I spend the entire morning configuring mom's notebook, because... moms and computers. In the afternoon I would get the chance to go looking for an HDMI-VGA converter, so I can maybe plug my own notebook to an old monitor that I have laying around here and finish the syncing, so I could work on mom's computer and send mine back to the manufacturer on the warranty. And so I went.

    I went out to see the extension of the damage, the other driver went too. He was upset, with reason, but probably thought it was too little to be bothered with, or perhaps he was too tired to even care. I don't know. He just got inside his car again and drove into the distance... 2 meters forward, as the traffic allowed. I also got back into mine, exhaustion, upset and stress piling up, and waited until I finally found a way left through the other cars.

    Good shout, I'll backup my files too right now after I tidy my desktop.

    At least it was just a scratch! It's about half a year I managed to damage my mudguard, as the car in front of me didn't turn as fast as I expected, he was probably letting a pedestrian through. He probably didn't even notice, as he drove away and I didn't see any damage to his car either. Luckily, the mudguards were to be changed soon anyway, because they were already somewhat rusty, so no-one from the family even got to know!

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  15. Day 34:

    I got up, watched the rest of the conversation between Milo & JP, then I commented a bit here and went for the exam.

    After that me and my friend from the army went for a lunch, he told me the army is in a somewhat dismal state (or at least the part he is in which is quite similar to where I used to be) and that he's having some thoughts of leaving and going abroad or doing something else. I told him that my half a year without employment, basically being a leech while streaming, was quite horrible, but that the past two months have been pretty great, as I have some direction and vision now.

    I kinda goofed around in the evening a bit, watched Simpsons, took some pictures for dating rating and I'm working on getting my PC desktop in order, as it's still a mess. I worked out outside with my basketball, as it's been raining a ton these past two weeks and I didn't get to work out this way otherwise in that time. I feel comfortably tired, I hope the exam results won't ruin it!

    @Ikar: clean car, photo, flight ticket, mycat, duo, work out, read 1 page, letter, duo

  16. 2 hours ago, Sapuverell said:

    I had a talk with my mother and she helped me out with this female friend. Told I should stop trying to make everyone happy and be there at anytime for her. I should really make her miss me a bit and sometimes be more honest and tell her what I really think of her instead of holding me back. It made me open my eyes and I'm excited of what happens in the near future with our relationship. Also I think it's a big step, because I think it's literally the last thing I noticed I have to learn about dealing with girl's or relationships in general.

    Good advice. If she's insecure about something, she needs to deal with it on her own. You and I both came here, because we were insecure about our outlook on gaming. It's OK to ask for help and support, but she has to do the lifting regardless of whatever her trouble is. I'm speaking from experience, but you probably already know that!

    • Like 1
  17. On 5/22/2019 at 11:17 PM, George Wyatt said:

    Bank of Habit/Hobby Ideas (Work In Progress)

    - Stop multitasking.

    - Meditation.

    - Stretching.

    - Homework first thing when getting home.

    - Eating more veggies.

    - Writing.

    - Working on social skills.

    - Mindset (reduce ruminating, reduce judgement, be more easygoing, be less competitive with others and don't compare yourself to others).

    - Spend time outside (no matter the weather).

    - 1 Daily act of kindness.

    - Work out shortly in the morning.

    - Take a walk each day of the weekend.

    What a list. I might steal the part above!

    Not sure about the competitiveness, just make sure you don't snuff your fire with it, as some people thrive in a cut-throat environment. I feel like former gamer myself, shifting the competitive attitude from gaming to somewhere else is a huge deal!

    9 hours ago, George Wyatt said:

    Wow that's really interesting take on it! I like the idea of trying to find a middle ground and being aware of it instead of being extreme (I have a very black/white view of the world which makes me very prone to disregarding this most of the time).

    I used to be very hard-line black/white person, especially on morals. I think all it gave me was elitist, arrogant, slightly resentful and contemptuous outlook on most people I couldn't put into my little box.

    Now I know that if I ever get resentful and contemptuous, there's just something I don't understand. If I demonize that other guy for something he has done to me, I demonize myself too, because I am human and he's human as well. Then it's right to think, what made him do it and what could make me do it? I try to be in his shoes. That's how I dealt with my breakup, but I was only able to do that responsibly after quitting gaming.

    I think the same applies to gaming. Sure, hate and anger towards it might be the first reaction, but you don't want to be stuck there forever. 98% people who play games aren't game addicts, so if you go on a crusade against gaming, most people around you will feel uncomfortable. Corresponds well with Cam's video too:

    Keep searching for that middle ground!

  18. @Ambassador: The site turned out to be pretty good and scientific, getting precise feedback from my target group will be helpful. I know I have to be genuine, responsible and take photos in settings I can actually reasonably occur, not do it for the sake of a photo, keep working on myself and expanding my knowledge. Nice to see that those things are better aligned in my head! I wish I had a photo shot while I was still in the army. Figuratively, I'm a better warrior than I was back then though!

    Day 33:

    I set it off by responding to GQ comments. I did Russian, a bit of work on Iceland, watched some JP, did some research on online dating (gonna even get a book from uni library on a related topic), filled in a questionnaire for uni and took a walk in the evening. I studied for the test today as well, I have to develop some better work ethic for that though.

    @Ikar: clean car, photo, exam, groceries

    • Like 1
  19. 3 hours ago, Ambassador said:

    a clear view of what kind of person you want to spend your time with

    I actually remember my ex saying she was a real party animal up until 16, but then she made a 180 to the point where she wouldn't go out to meet larger groups of people anymore, because it made her physically sick, even if I was really keen on showing with her somewhere every once in a while, so she said she'd be introverted. I think what she did was to channel her extroversion mostly into social media rather, similarly as I did with gaming. I had no idea how much was that affecting me.

    Trouble with that is, my addictive personality was fairly well embedded into me that probably everybody already considered it "me". For all I know, my screen time is still huge, though I am aware of it at least.

    3 hours ago, Ambassador said:

    to communicate your expectations and desires in a clear and pondered manner

    This is what made me a bit cynical the other day. I liked it how every other person has "honesty" as one of their expectations/values, but I would say I was "honest" both before and after the addiction. Turns out addiction-controlled behavior is a thing. That's why I am much rather into responsibility these days, or by texts inspired by it and other values embedded into it.

    3 hours ago, Ambassador said:

    to not settle for less than the bare minimum

    Yep, it seems like it's a good idea to set up the rules of the game early. I think something like "what happens in the relationship, stays in the relationship" might be one to consider for the future, although there's gonna be a ton of mechanisms to support that.

    3 hours ago, Ambassador said:

    Long term relationship? Short term? Hook up? One night stand?

    I think hooking up and ONS would promptly send me to my own little moral hell.

    I just looked up the difference between short and long-term relationship and I found out that the difference is that you take a lesson from a short one and you stay in the long one.

    4 hours ago, Ambassador said:

    know your deal breakers at the very least. For instance, when I was on Tinder looking for a potential date

    I've been on Tinder before, but I never met anyone though it. I prefer to show my hand and Tinder's 160 characters or so doesn't allow for that. I'm back on OKC, but I noticed they removed instant messaging which is a bummer. No text limit there though, so I think my intentions are laid out there concisely.

    4 hours ago, Ambassador said:

    Show yourself for what you are. You don't want to start pretending, you'll quickly become a prisoner of the persona you built.

    Aye, I guess I was a prisoner of my addiction.

    4 hours ago, Ambassador said:

    Apart of that, if you worry about your pictures and your appearance, there's an excellent website about it called Photofeeler, where you can get anonymous feedback on your pics. I used it and it helped me.

    Thanks for that site! I'll see what comes out of that, research and all :D

    4 hours ago, Ambassador said:

    In short, I think three are the cornerstone of a healthy relationship: commitment, sincerity and respect.

    I'll keep it in mind. It sounds obvious, but addiction is hell that skews your sincerity really badly.

    Thanks for all the input!

    • Like 1
  20. Here is a list of changes in my life for the past month:

    Game Quitters - I'm extremely happy to be here, basically brothers (and sisters) in arms against a common enemy. I don't demonize gaming for my friends, but my stance towards is has to be skeptical at least.

    working out - I did more physical activity than in any of the months after I left the military in August last year. I would really only move with my ex, no dice I would get myself up on my own.

    Jordan Peterson - Thanks to this man, I think I understood my past, or at least rationalized it in a way that doesn't haunt me anymore. Shout out to Jocko Willink and Joe Rogan as well.

    going out more/people - I didn't create any new venues for myself to go to per se, but I'm generally more inclined to hang out with the people I already know whenever I can. I'm nowhere near as hopelessly shut in or reliant on my ex to have social contact. I think I go out with friends twice as much at least. I think I find it easier to relate to people I just saw before.

    uni - I didn't fail any of the exams yet, though in my eyes I am almost begging for it. I think I am still easily distracted by virtually everything else from it.

    girlfriend - I wanted to get her back at the start of this, but I can't get her back at all costs. We both set out the same, to find "love". If you're around frequently enough, I think I wrote enough to cover a few essays about that story. I think we are both doing better now though. If anything, I know I am doing better for the right reason.

    English teaching - I'm becoming more comfortable with it. It helps with socializing, discussing ideas and I even get paid for that. What a deal!

    my business - I got the site up, mostly postponed/on hold due to Iceland. It basically means I get more money from the one above.

    Iceland - I might have a bit of a pickle here. I know a friend of mine went there Bear Grylls style (he had a tent and sought job on the spot) the last summer and everything worked out for him quite decently. I'll commit to doing that if absolutely necessary, though I'd prefer to have my comfort. I still have a bit more than a month to sort this out.

    screen time reduction - I'm not convinced it happened yet. It's kinda rough to get away too, considering most of the plans/work I do has to be done this way.

    family - I feel more closely connected to my mom, as she knows about my addiction, grandma as well.

    dating - I've been back on online dating for a few days, I'm rather torn though. I treat myself WAY better than before. I also feel like part of the art is putting yourself on the line. It'd be awesome to be intimately connected to a girl again. Preferably even THE girl. There are apparently great pitfalls for a guy in early 20s like me in online dating, as the odds are most likely stacked against me.

    This month feels definitely better than the last one!

    I'm open to suggestions on any of my topics, maybe I even forgot some. Thanks!

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