Day 120:

I wrote a bit and meditated in the morning and took a short nap. I tackled job searching at home and I seem to be caught up. I read some interesting articles too. I went outside for a while too and wrote even more to people in the evening.

I got some work done today, though it felt a bit diffused and structureless. I guess I am just not used to having free time now! 

The article below is long but fairly interesting and a few things rang very true for me.

https://markmanson.net/how-to-grow-up

11 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

 

One of the issues I'd like to highlight this week is that I've constantly been complaining about fake people. I think I have multiple "friends" who put zero effort into any friendships. These people are the introverted, meek, shut ins who do not socialize with others, don't talk to others about their problems, and don't talk to you about yours. Zero effort and pathetic altogether. I have so many friends who are addicted to video games who just work 8 hours a day, play video games 8-10 hours a day, and sleep the remainder. They make no effort to socialize, mate, or improve their lives or fix their problems. They just escape into this cesspool called the internet where they can hide from everything instead of face their problems.

Ha, that seems like me about half a year ago. Strangely enough, I did manage to find a gf, yet unsurprisingly, she would be addicted to her phone.

I guess since we have been this way for a longer time, where our friendships were either defined by common addiction or/and very superficial, it takes time to find different people for the next stage of our life.

I guess I was "lucky" enough to not even make any shut-in friends that I would feel bad for leaving behind after I stopped gaming and streaming. 

I also recently came up with the concept of "The real work comes after you come back from work." and I quite like it, though it is not obvious some people feel better at home than at work, though majority would like to think that.

Marines! I have been in the military for 2 years myself. I also discovered Jocko Willink's podcast on YT, he is an ex-SEAL member and definitely has a powerful message.

Day 119:

In the morning, I cooked and did the laundry, wrote, meditated for a few and was napping/thinking until lunch.

After lunch I went outside for a walk. I was exploring an area I have never been to and halted for a nice snack too, so I came back 4 hours later.

In the evening, I felt tired from the long walk, so I just did things to keep myself awake, though I still managed to listen to the Life Unlocked podcast #2. 

One thing I got from it was that I want to write my monthly summary again and perhaps prepare some small speech/showing of photos to my family and some friends. I got a lot out of these 4 months and I think it might be worth sharing my experience with others, though it will take some time to write.

Tomorrow:

Jobs, monthly, 4 months, short walk, cook (money invest)

Day 118:

I felt a bit smashed for the whole day. I managed to push through though and have a good day. I went outside and wrote.

Tomorrow:

Podcast GQ, walk 2-3, write to people, cook, book+write, laundry, GRS.

Day 117:

Nothing overly special today. Mom called, some emails, cooking. Gonna take a late walk now, just because the day would not be complete without it.

Day 116:

Pretty much the same as yesterday, though I did not wish my father happy birthday.

I managed to listen to @James Good podcast ep. 1 and took some notes in the evening. 

"What gets measures gets managed." is a great quote!

Day 115:

After work, I went outside, thought of some cool ideas for stuff to do at home, wrote to people and wished my dad happy birthday.,

I will need to take some time, perhaps a day or few to sort out everything I want to do once I am back home. 

Day 114:

Back to work for me after the weekend. I was setting up some bank stuff, wrote to a few people, called with parents and watched Two Diners by Peterson again to crank me up. After that, I went outside to lie for a bit to think and cooked a chicken.

I intently lied in my speech today after a long time. It was the sort of lie where you are too careless at first, forget to do something, lie about it and go fix it immediatelly after that in no time flat, to not be too much of a bastard.

I am vigilant.

Day 113:

I spent the morning in the bed, practising NEOs. I feel ambivalent, perhaps a bit confused, as I do not actually know what do I promise from a no-fap, whether partial, full or none at all. 

Later on, I was reading and on the internet. I cooked lunch, took a break and went for a walk to a church, where there is also a golf course. I was collecting golf balls for about an hour, but then I went back as there were too many and nobody to return them to on the weekend. I will go there once my employment on the pig farm ends.

A teacher! I am teaching English part-time. It is fun getting people involved and perhaps even giving a damn about what are you on about ?

Day 111:

OK, I guess a long silence was a long entry yesterday. After work, I have been researching some stuff and wrote an email, then I tried to meditate by counting breaths (which was difficult) and then I fell asleep early.

Day 112:

I had a day off today, so we hitch-hiked to Reykjavik with one companion. One of the drivers was a teacher and I remember two things from him: passion and patience. 

Though I know delaying is no bueno, I will have a day off tomorrow as well and I will have an easier time writing too, as I feel somewhat out of focus now.

Day 110:

After work, I went outside, wrote to friends and saw a dead baby whale that got stranded on the coast nearby.

I have been thinking of writing a longer entry, tomorrow I will do that.

Day 109:

I got some good food today! I also bought a flight ticket, so in less than a month, I will be home.

Day 108:

Ordinary day at work. I visited the Icelandic guy and hung out with him. We also exchanged some food!

I agree with making a change. In retrospect before I quit gaming, I can say I had a ton of issues that I am currently trying to become aware of and slowly untangle. I talk to and listen to people more. The fun fact about people is that we never really know ourselves in the present.

Anyhow, go for it. As if your life was at stake which it is!

Day 107:

Nothing overly relevant today. Worked, walked, talked. Gonna have a small drink in the evening, as it is my birthday today ? 

Also, nofap starting tomorrow, till the end of Iceland. It will be at least a bit over a month. Time to get serious!

Day 106:

I woke up even before the alarm. Worked till lunch today. I searched for a job back home, sent a few emails, read and pushed my comfort zone by climbing over a ravine.

Day 105:

Working the weekend till lunch this time. I wrote, took a nap, wrote again and read "The subtle art" by Mark Manson outside, finally found myself in a position to do it. My mom also called. Good day, I feel caught up with my life.

Interesting thoughts on nofap. I have mixed feelings about it, but I had that about quitting games too.

On 7/30/2019 at 6:03 AM, fawn_xoxo said:

will I want people who didn't help me in my life when I'm in a better place? Maybe my gut feeling is telling me that. That one way or another I'll have to lose some people. And I don't want to accept that possible scenario, I don't even want to think about it. These people have been my support for years. I feel dependent on them, I haven't really grown into an adult it feels like, cause otherwise I'd be independent from them to some degree. And I have a difficult time accepting what that looks like in comparison to how my life has been so far.

I am realizing early in my early 20s that some people come and some go and not only because they or you change places. Maybe you give them a chance or two, but then you realize there is about 7 billion other people you could click with too after a few hours of conversation.

Regarding family in this, chances are if you are honest with them, they will see your point and help you out and connect. My mom was shocked to know she raised an addict too, likely somewhere on the level I was shocked there was a huge part of hate in my love towards my ex. 

On 7/30/2019 at 6:03 PM, fawn_xoxo said:

I also wonder if my attachment style is stressful in some way, it's a term I found online, about attaching to people around you unhealthily, without balance. 

https://yourpersonality.net/attachment/index.php

Is it this site you refer to?

On 7/30/2019 at 6:03 PM, fawn_xoxo said:

 

I need to be an adult who says what they like and what they don't like, says when they're happy and when they're sad with something.

Same here, I think I am starting to be good at this.

I had a clash at work recently, because I did something wrong and they decided to ignore it, so instead they built up resentment and doubt. When I called them out on doing something wrong, they would get defensive, bring up the (unrelated) past issue into the (now) argument and talk all about how stupid were they for being so "forgiving" in the past.

My point is, mature people can stand honesty, admit they did something wrong and you do not have to worry about them exploding, because they are responsible for their feelings and will not get mad regardless of whether that thing they did was wrong or actually right and misunderstood.

Again, I know I want to do this, but I am not sure how much I act it out.

Enjoy your break ?

Day 104:

Back to the good old boring days. I roasted a chicken today myself probably for the first time and wrote a bit again while outside. 

Day 103:

Interesting day today. I think I managed to make peace with myself and that is the most important thing for me, so I can feel good and work properly.

I also realized I am happy when people call me out on my wrongdoings, justified or not (that is up to me to consider) and that I am happy that I do not lie.

Day 102:

I think I spiked an issue today at work somewhat recklessly and did not think through the consequences of it. It is part of a larger issue in the workplace though that is bound to be resolved soon, so right now I am not too sure what to make of it.

I like how this diary is still on the forum, almost non-related to games. Small step a day takes you far in a year.