Ikar

18th October - 20th October: I visited my tutor on Tuesday and sent him (another) draft of contents of my thesis on Wednesday. Gonna work on it at the weekend as well. I also had a lunch with my father and sushi with my brother. I introduced him to my girlfriend and I think they got along well 🙂 Right after the evening sushi, we had a couple of students come here for a few day city exchange. The event is organized mostly by other members of my geography group, but I am trying to do at least something to help out by accommodating two of them, while I am temporarily sleeping at my girlfriend's place. Next year, we're gonna visit their town in return! I've been reading the book about freelancing daily and I'm hooked. --- The current events are somewhat complicated by the fact that my feet are caught in the cycle of blisters, mold and swelling. I have a cream to deal with the mold, but it's been going on ever since I've bought new shoes for my holiday in Georgia, so for almost two months. I've had this problem once in the past and I visited the doctor, so I think I have the knowledge to deal with this on my own, but if it gets out of hand, I'll visit the doctor/hospital. I hope it's gone in the next few days, meanwhile I'll be sock-less and shoe-less as much as possible. The plans for tonight and the weekend are somewhat unclear time-wise. I'm planning on spending time with my family, the exchange guys, my girlfriend and my thesis, but the order of that is not fully in my control.

I hope the response you'll get will be positive! It does seem you're really ready for a change. What are your thoughts/plans if the response isn't positive? When I confided to my girlfriend with my porn habit for the first time, she innocently replied: "And what's the harm in that? People watch porn, I've done it too." I told her that the harm isn't just spending 30 minutes every other day doing a particular activity. Having two hours a week more or less never killed anybody, though I know it sounds funny. The main problem is that I consider something a problem. It's rather uneasy to live with a problem once it comes up, especially if you can influence it. I know the damage is much more far reaching than those two hours. Now she sees things differently. She understood that this thing influences my well-being, as well as my ability to be intimate with her/my sex drive. - As for distractions, I'm always anxious when it seems that my day is passing by in a blur. I made a subconscious habit of marking/checking my (I use Google) calendar for things to do. It definitely enhanced my ability to just stop for a moment and think about the best way forward in my day. My minimum resolution time is 30 minutes and all the various activities have their own color. I think it's still the best to plan a day ahead for bigger/important activities that shouldn't be missed, on the other hand this flexible planning/freedom of choice lets me segment my day: if I want to work for an hour, I can; if I want to relax for the next half an hour, I can. I really think this is the way to prevent either burnout or sloth.

Just to give my two cents, I normally don't have (remember) any dreams, but I remember them more after drinking alcohol. I hardly ever drink enough of it to make it happen nowadays though.

Thank you! I wrote it in a rather curt format, so I'm not sure if I did it much justice, but I'm quite happy with the current events in my life. I'm definitely not bored 😄

I agree with @FDRx7 above. It's not my idea, but again, things get worse before they get better. You're still reaping the aftermath of your addict-self actions from the past, while you have nowhere near even the ephemeral comfort that gaming provided. The high is over. Perhaps the actions you've taken in the last five months don't seem like much, but they are realistically much more life-changing than those you'll do in the next five months, if you decide to stay on the path of getting to a better place. 29 is no age, if you stay healthy you can even triple that, so there's plenty of time to create, fix and end many relationships. I believe the important people in your life will recognize the change and the department of your relationships will magically "heal itself", as you step into your life more fully. My family has definitely recognized and felt the change and there are very few people with whom I've been in contact now even when I was gaming. And the new people you meet don't care how you used to be, if you're good to them now 🙂

I sometimes have these situations too, although not very often; I normally just go. I hesitate only when it is expensive to come, if I don't know how it fits my schedule or some other rather objective reason. But I'm also a person who hardly feels any kind of regret, so normally I am at peace with whatever decision I make. Volunteering should be a totally voluntary activity (obviously 😄 ), so you should be excited enough to go there quite easily. It's not like presenting a product to a client, when you have some internal doubts about the product, your company, your character etc. There could be a social reason as to why that alone isn't enough to make you just go. Maybe it could help to promise somebody to show up the next time you're there?

Thanks! I actually knew most of the people there, as it's a dorm/university kind of thing.

12th October - 17th October: Went to a networking event to meet some new people. Finished reading "World Order" by Kissinger and started a new book about freelancing. Attended a table football tournament and finished second. Worked out a shared table/system in Google Sheets to help my students and myself with orientation in their learning. Went for a trip with my girlfriend and her sister. Attended other fun events as well.

I like to read "real" as "connected to others or oneself". I can imagine a workaholic at a company who has been pushing paper for many years without any effect on the world; though he got money, he wasted his time and life. On the self part, I think creating/doing something for yourself (reading, writing, making pretty graphs etc.) is truly never a wasted effort, as we did it for ourselves.

It's interesting, because I normally drive in silence too. I drove 2x40 minutes today with my girlfriend and her sister and since we were talking during the ride, nobody even thought about turning the radio on. The only incentive I ever have to turn it on is when I'm curious about discovering some new song or perhaps to remind myself of some song that I'd forgotten. I guess I am quite happy that I really do tasks one by one. I'm really unable to listen to podcasts because I want to pay full attention to the thing that I do. In which case, I'd rather watch a video, because I also get visual input together with it. It also makes it easier to stop and say "OK, I watched this video for 20 minutes and it was OK to relax. Now, what do I do next?" It's much easier to segment the day and decide on going outside for a walk, for example.

Yes, that's also the advantage of being self-employed; I don't really have to deal with people that make my job more difficult. I basically only meet my students and new people at networkings to have new students. There are of course intermediary steps; I think very few people have just started out as self-employed/business owners, I think everybody has some "normal" employment experience. I can imagine it feels great to have this out of the way, good work 😄 There's this idea that Manson described quite nicely - attention is more important than information nowadays. Information itself has mostly turned into entertainment or a hobby. I know a lot of things about modern history, but it doesn't automatically make me an expert, because anybody else can look up what I know in a matter of seconds. But I can understand how hard it is for older people; TV in their 20s-30s could've been an avenue to knowledge, whereas today in their 70s it's really largely entertainment to pass time. There's nothing wrong with passing time, but I understand it can be difficult to distinguish it from actually learning something useful, especially in podcasts. Who knows, if there are Game Quitters, there could be a community called Podcast Quitters in the future too 😄

8th October - 11th October: I watched a video on how to run English lessons. I have to say I feel better and more satisfied, if my preparation for lessons is more wholesome. My feeling of inadequacy has subsided. I visited my family on Sunday and had the new phone ready for my grandma, so I am happy it worked out well and that she's no longer stressed about it. I'm also in contact with my tutor regarding the thesis, so there's some progress there as well.

Gah, company politics and bureaucracy! I know I was still gaming back then, but I left the army precisely due to the fact that I just didn't have years to wait until they finally decided to put me in a position that I would perhaps like. I understand your drive to change things up.

Good luck! I'd definitely say you can be optimistic; if it doesn't work out, you still have your current job. How much of an improvement would it be compared to your current position?

I saw the following in the journals somewhere and also in a book; many things are defined as habits rather than goals. My "family" monthly section hardly ever has any specific goals I could tick off, so I have "directions" there rather than "goals". I still think I can do better defining longer-term goals, as some things just take months to complete. In the dorm group (I lived at the dorm for about three and a half years and only moved this June), I go by the nick "Non-Alc" 😄 Anyhow, 2020 and 2021 were kinda special at the dorm. The pubs were closed due to corona, so the meetings obviously moved to the dorms themselves. But I gradually moved from consuming alcohol on a daily basis, simply due to the fact I had to be ready at 7 or 8 in the morning for my English lessons. The in-dorm partying/meeting stopped in autumn 2021, as the pubs opened again. I didn't feel like hitting the student's pub every other day was a good idea, plus I got a girlfriend at the start of 2022, so my consumption went down even more. I second the thought that meetings can be fun without alcohol. I have done it multiple times. My country (Czechia) is unfortunately known for cheap alcohol and I really believe we have an alcohol culture, without any exaggeration. Alcohol is a slow and vicious killer of whole communities; in my opinion, cocaine, meth or heroine are more merciful to the addict's family or friends in aggregate. Sounds good! A bit of a shame that tea colors my teeth brown 😄

I like the graphs and scores! It's been a long time since I stopped journaling every day, but I always evaluate and "score" things once a month and once a year. I don't normally go back to my monthly reports, but I believe it's always in the back of my mind, helping me to be grounded and to have some perspective. I noticed you also have a "no drinking" streak. I can relate to being in a pub with friends, wanting to have something good to drink... I think I would have stopped drinking regular beer altogether, if pubs had draft non-alcoholic beer. They normally don't and all the alternatives are kinda sucky: drinking sodas hurts my teeth and buying bottled non-alcoholic beer or water for 2x-4x the price in a shop just makes me want to invite my friends to a picnic or to my flat 😄 Regardless, I noticed that even having/not having one beer has an effect on me. I don't know when I've become so sensitive, but I can feel it. That's why I have a beer maybe two times a month now and I prefer to grab the non-alcoholic/radler one whenever I'm in the mood for it at home. I also love tea as you do! I think the average is above a liter a day for me. I prefer a strong black tea, but I also got some green tea to change things up. I normally use the same teabag two or three times during the day, as I intentionally want to make the tea weaker; I'm not sure if it's too healthy to take in so much of it and it's also just about the ritual.

29th September - 7th October: I can say I was productive this week, as well as somewhat out of my comfort zone. I specified the topic of my diploma thesis and worked on the questionnaire. It's the first thing I want to get done before working on anything else, as it's gonna take some time to get the respondents and it will also help me refine the topic/aim of the thesis even further. I also went to a business conference on Thursday. I had a short five minute presentation and it was a good experience. This week was also tougher in regards to my mood. I studied a lot for my professional development as an English lecturer and I became more bashful regarding my abilities and partly my knowledge. I also decided to step up my publicity locally by throwing small flyers into mailboxes; it could help my business, doesn't cost much and I can use the exercise. As for today, I'm feeling off. I've had headaches, I feel cold and I even took a nap during the afternoon. I hope it'll be better tomorrow.

I hope it goes well!

I feel you. I think that's how my relationship ended 5 years ago as well. My X got just tired of me not getting a job and gaming all day. I think she wanted to improve her life, but it's hard to do that if you have a partner who is just stagnant and perhaps even sabotaging your process. I get a feeling that stagnation (for sure over 6 years) in other people means they are fairly happy with how things are. Her mental issues suck, but you can't let that hold you hostage, much less your daughter. My girlfriend depends on me as well, but not in a way that an addict would be on their drug. I hope you can take that into account while searching for a solution. Can you mobilize someone to help you out? It's sad when kids get caught up in the middle by no fault of their own 😞

In times/cases like yours I wonder: What has changed in the relationship? How does one go from being happily pregnant with a partner to this situation? What are the factors that contributed to this? I know that these don't only have to be negative; maybe you grew in your life so much over the past few years while your partner stagnated and that created a big rift, as you could relate to each other less. Whatever the result is, I hope you'll be able to remain strong through this and work out a solution with your partner.

I have some hard-to-remove software called LeechBlock on my computer and it works well. I always have to deactivate/reactivate it every 30 minutes on YT and I perma-blocked the various news websites. That YT block there is more of a reminder that I shouldn't spend too much time on it, but it's quite rare I watch a video longer than 20 minutes. I get too bored with longer videos. I found out that I found the small screen of the phone too annoying to read too much news, so I don't abuse the fact I don't have any blocks for it there. News has always been a distraction for me for just five or ten minutes maximum. Porn turned out to be much harder to deal with. The idea here is that I'd have to block out half the internet at a specific time for some period of time. If there was some app that would hard-immobilize the access to it, together with Chrome and YT for 3-6 hours at the push of a button (I watch porn basically only before sleeping), that'd be amazing, but I don't know if there's one. I'll look into Freedom and Screentime both though, thanks for the suggestion 🙂 It turns out locking myself out of my phone wasn't a big deal. Luckily, it was Saturday and I'm more reliant on my desktop than my phone historically. But it makes sense with all my gaming history and student calls though 🙂

It's been four years since I quit and I don't think I've experienced what you're describing as often as when I gamed. Regardless, an emotional high of immersion for, well... having a normal life is a tradeoff I'll gladly make. Good job! I had issues with my brushing when I was a teenager, so I know it's hard to get back on track or even start anew. It kind of helps that I have sensitive teeth; if I go without brushing for a few days, I get toothaches whenever I eat. Nowadays I can confidently say I brush 6/7 nights of the week 😄 I'm writing my master's thesis at the moment. I can say is that I need to worry less about how much time (or how many days) it will take me to move to the next stage. It's because the next stage (or even multiple stages) pops up during the process from the unknown. I know that if I put in two three quality hours of work in every day, I'm going to finish it, just like other students before me did. I promised my tutor a concept of a questionnaire at the end of the weekend and that's what he and I shall have. Yes! I found out that many of the games I played in the past have several tracks or even whole soundtracks I can listen to indefinitely and which can serve as great background/time stamps for me. The genre is generally classical voiceless (as many of the games of the 00s had these), although some have some modern element mixed to it. I think voiceless D'n'B tracks work the best for me. I've been meaning to try out some jazz music as well, but I have issues with actively listening to tracks if I don't already know them and that's not conductive to work 😄

Toying around with enhancing/re-calibrating the blocks, I managed to lock myself out of my phone for 24 hours. Luckily, I can still call 😆

23rd September - 28th September: I visited my family, worked on a business presentation for young students, did some cycling and walking as well. I also attended an online meeting regarding English lecturing and it gave me a nudge to continue working on myself, my lessons and my business. My plan for today was to work on my diploma, yet I didn't. (What I did instead was to catch up on newsletters and on select financial topics that interest me.) I communicated with my tutor at the weekend, however I haven't heard back from him since. I'm gonna work on it tomorrow - I have a plan to create a questionnaire for my thesis and use the data, so I want to send him a concept of it by the end of the week to give him some incentive to reply. Inactivity in this area makes me nervous, even though I still have well over three months to finish the thesis.

It really shows that different people have different soft spots and need to know how to manage them carefully. I'm lucky to have walked out of my gaming delirium when I was 21. I learnt English as an addict and had the confidence to pursue it as a career later. It's a wise thing to take and work with both the bad and the good, even if there's not much of it.