On 1/23/2020 at 9:19 PM, Alexanderle said:

Haven't seen the woman yet and I am not trying to stress myself about it. Either there is something going the next couple of days or I might end it. Will be a tough on,e, but we'll see what happens. This is about my personal feelings. 

How does this go for you so far? Giving two chances seems like a good general outline, you both give the benefit of the doubt and get the business sorted out in a week if nothing happens.

Hi @ceponatia ! It's been some time, how's the detox going? 🙂

From my ripe age of 22, I can attest that @Alexanderle is right on the money and gives good insights.

I have a feeling that dating for most young males is always the same strugglebus, simply because there is no way of telling how well are they doing in their life objectively. All they have is potential and except those few guys who have been subjected to some external discipline (e.g. football clubs, so they get good physique). There is no telling what happens with them next.

Females sense that. If a serious relationship in some cases implies sex and sex in some cases implies kids, they better be bloody sure who are they in a relationship with.

Keep doing your thing and find your passions. And be extremely aware if you start doing something to primarily get girls, e.g. working out. If you work out to get a girl and then stop, guess what. She'll notice and she'll go away! But if it helps you to get started on a positive habit, any motivation is a good one.

Day 285:

I worked out yesterday, sought software I could use for my website and went out for most of the day for two English speaking events. The first one had about 6 people and it was more of a chill conversation about New Year's resolutions. The second one was quite big and there were about 40 people from different countries. I got to play Dixit for the first time and it was quite interesting. I managed to have small talk with several of them; mostly to introduce myself and to have the grounds prepared for the next week. I felt fairly mechanical towards the end, as I spent several hours out, listening and talking.

I did have one deeper conversation however. It was with a woman who was around 30 who was there with her boyfriend. She mentioned that she worked as a social worker in foster families for a couple of years, but that she got burnt out, because most of the foster parents would not change their behavior and kept repeating the same mistakes, but that she enjoyed working with the kids. I empathized with her, because while there is a lot of people who want to take English courses, most of them do not really have the motivation to become fluent at it. I asked her whether she wanted to have kids and she immediately replied that her boyfriend doesn't want them.

People are strange.

Thoughts on the meeting on Day 284:

 

I mentioned that I think about having a sexual connection with a woman often, but that I want to build the relationship on the correct axioms.

My analysis after:

This is obviously a rough topic for just about anyone. I know my efforts to pay more attention to people (conscious) and be outside more in general certainly amplified my sexuality (unconscious). I want both the conscious and unconscious working together like in the previous sentence when it comes to interacting with women in a romantic way.

I think I am able let myself off the leash and do an ONS under certain circumstances, but consciously I would not be a fan of that. I feel that bonding with a woman after a few hours for no other reason than sex almost always seems like a bad idea. My subconscious might be telling me I want sex right now, but my consciousness tells me that I want to have consistent sex with a girlfriend, not ONS and not a fuck buddy. Forgoing all the unwanted risks of STD and unwanted pregnancy, dealing with my sexuality as a single entity also provides me with an extra charge and incentive to find a woman with whom I could start a relationship.

 

We slid towards intimacy/connection in general afterwards. I mentioned that I am familiar with intimacy between men and used my 283's evening as an example, as we shared our situations and opinions about our families and sex lives.

My analysis after:

I think intimacy with a man is way different than intimacy/connection with a woman (both roughly my age). I think that both have their benefits; I think the male one is more conscious, logical and comparative, because all men try to juggle with similar issues, so it is a good opportunity to exchange ideas, just like @Phoenixking or I did recently.

Intimacy with a woman is much more emotionally charged for me. It feels a bit like being around fire and trying to figure out what is smart to do and what is not. I believe my ex and I bonded through our pasts. We were happy to find someone who understood what it was like to be an outsider, somebody who didn't pretend NOT to be clueless at the moment. We always had great plans of turning it all around and high hopes that everything will eventually turn out well. Soon enough, we both noticed it was just all talk and no walk.

 

We got to personal integrity, discipline and consistency through this. We made a simple plan to get my website up and to nail my last exam. I also got a hint that it'd probably be a good idea to plan on a longer than daily or weekly basis.

My analysis after:

In regard to others, I think it is important to know what am I "selling" and what am I "buying", regardless of whoever I am talking to. For example, I think I am stable/not neurotic or that I am independent. I also know I can't just talk or write about all the good and cool values; I need to embody them and own them. There is no way around that.

I generally do not do too many things that are difficult for me, even though I'd argue that this month with all the exams, job interviews, socializing and other things was quite heavy. I think I got tougher thanks to all this. I'll get a monthly report done soon.

One thing about planning is that I hardly ever plan for myself only. If I have an interview/event/exam/hobby planned with other people at X, I am there at X and often with a chunk of time in reserve. I haven't learned to give myself that sort of promise consistently yet.

The second one is that something like setting up a web in a week seems daunting, even if it's a relatively small one. I need to have some kind of a perspective when it comes to these longer-term goals that are not exactly habits, but are still important. The same could be said about my finances or studying during the exam term.

 

Additional thoughts:

Since all this took me about a few hours to write down and to try and pinpoint all the ideas, I think the RoI on the session seems great. I always consciously wanted to nail down planning, consistency and discipline, but I could only do it in a limited extent, so I'm going to sign up for more.

I got asked some hard questions that took me a while to collect my thoughts and answer as honestly as I possibly could. No dodging allowed!

It struck me how easy was it for me to get into exercising for an hour a day. I'm unsure whether this is the correct correlation to draw, but since exercise and sex are both physical/visceral activities, could it be they draw energy from the same source?

I think I actually reached enough venues where I socialize on a regular basis for now, so I think it's a good idea to stabilize and take stock.

I mentioned this on the session. Everyone is interesting.

 

Thanks for the support and posts from @Alexanderle, @Phoenixking, @BooksandTrees, @Erik2.0, @ElectroNugget, @Icandothis, @Amphibian220, @ceponatia, @DaBest and everyone else in the past. It's great to have you here, poking me in the eye sometimes and making me think. I wish you all good fortune in all of your specific life situations.

8 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Two of my clients are into collecting knives. It's making me want to get a knife too. *morbid disclaimer* But then I was told to get rid of my knife because I was having suicidal thoughts of killing myself with it. So I don't know if I'm ready to have a knife or if I will be at any point in time soon. I was told to check into a suicide prevention group 9 hours a week for three weeks. But, I didn't have time because I work so I'm doing 3 hours a week for three weeks instead. We'll learn about coping. I really hope I get something good and lasting from the group to help me cope better. It starts on Monday. Wish me luck 🙂 . 

Why did you have a knife in the first place? What was the purpose of it? Myself, I think basically anything can be used as a weapon, depending on how creative one is.

Good luck!

Day 283:

I studied, did my attachment assessment, worked out, took an exam and checked out an English class I could possibly teach in. I went out for a couple of beers with one of the guys I went the last week. We chatted about basically everything for a couple of hours.

Day 284:

I visited my grandma and had a meeting with a professional coach I met in one of the seminars I go to. It was an interesting meeting. I started writing about it already and I plan to get the text done either today or tomorrow. I got a general outline for my future website done as well and I will continue working on it.

The hands do not lie. Keeping on the path.

Spoiler

 

Day 282:

I studied and slept during the morning, took the exam and went for the practical philosophy course in the evening. I really enjoy taking those courses, as they are all volunteer-led and the lecturers are friendly, charismatic and I can have a good laugh with them sometimes.

Day 283:

TBA

4 hours ago, DaBest said:

Post-It Weekends (soon to be PIW) - writing a post-it note of what I feel most anxious about each weekend morning, and attacking that first thing to start my day. Provides a nice sense of accomplishment, responsibility, and calms my anxiety to a more manageable level.

 

4 hours ago, DaBest said:

Today was a good day of work. Holy shit, I said it. Truth. Pretty calm. Got a lot done, even with some messing around. The post-it thing works wonders for my productivity and anxiety. God bless Tim Ferriss. Had aforementioned therapy after. Got home and did some chores. Place is a bit of a mess and I'm going to have to chip away at it.

I remember that part from 4HWW. I think I want to start doing that as well. I start my day with something that is low-priority and hardly ever get to the high-priority tasks, exactly because they are anxiety provoking (one-time, no prior experience, hard to guess how long will they take etc.)

It's your diary, so it's okay for you to vent, to analyze and talk to some medical professional about it. I think @seriousjay has some good and strong points.

You are correct that you shouldn't worry about things outside your control, like coronavirus. On the other token, people staring into your eyes at the gym is also something you can't control. I am actually one of those people who if you met on the street, I would give you a stern eye-gaze for a good second or two. I read about eye contact a few months ago and I practice it almost religiously and see other people's reactions. I like to play that game. If they stare at you, stare at them back. Play the game!

I actually wonder what would my reaction be if someone stuck out a tongue at me while I was giving them my stare... I'd probably be shocked and laughing at the same time!

As for your "friends", I'd differentiate between "friends" you marginalize by not being able to do anything but get drinks after work, and "friends" you enjoy working on your hobbies with and genuinely enjoy their company. If you marginalize, talk smack about it and seriously mean it, just walk away from that relationship, because that is disdain. It doesn't matter if it's justified or not; whether those people can really only get drinks or whether you don't appreciate them for what they are.

I think disdain was the emotion my ex felt towards me at the end of the relationship. She was right to do so, because I was a wreck and gamed for hours on end, even though it at the same time proved to her that her choice to enter the relationship with me was void.

I reacted only on few things, so I don't spend the rest of my evening writing here, but others addressed them already. Myself, I think I rediscovered my ability to be truly amazed by people and perhaps to amaze myself at times. I hope you will rediscover it at one point as well. Good luck.

Agreed with @BooksandTrees . I am sure she noticed that you care for her, because you expressed your worry about her mental state before and now she decided to be vulnerable and share that with you because of that, so you are doing a great job supporting her. Keep it up. You got this.

8 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

How is exercise going for you? I'm interested in trying again.

It's good. I am happy to do something physical and it likely hit a good spot for me subconsciously. I mostly do the same every day, as I am still focused on showing up rather than trying to think of some complex workouts.

Day 281:

I planned the outline for my next week, studied for a few hours, visited my parents and worked out. I'll study more in the morning, take a nap and then go for the exam; it worked out well for me the last time.

14 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I still have good friends who are men. I go out for a beer with my male coworkers. We watch hockey together. We record my podcast together. We work on my cartoon together. The people I text the most are men. I rock climb with men as well.

They're not randoms either. They're either friends from work or college. 

I think I have good relationships with men and women. I'm just in a situation where I had two women destroy my grades in college so I never dated after 2010. Once I graduated in 2015 I was still doing my master's degree one class a semester until 2018. In 2019 I tried dating, but I had to study for this massive exam (the one this April) and decided they'd just distract me. I dated a girl for the month of August if you remember and just got too stressed by it. I went on dates with about 8 women in 2019 and connected with over 20.

I've always been an extremely sexual person. I love exploring sex and romance. It's the thing that brings me most happiness in life. Love comes with it as well, but I'm mostly highlighting sex and romance because of the porn issue.

I really think the only reason I haven't dated is because I know a woman, or women, I date will ruin my study habits. Even if they're not purposely ruining my study sessions, I'll be thinking about them constantly and wanting to be with them. I've proven this scenario before. I love the attention from a woman. I love affection. I love being affectionate and sincere to someone I'm dating. I want to sweep them off their feet or just relax with them and be together casually. I just want that partnership, love, sensuality, romance, lust, etc. I crave all of that. 

It gets in the way of me studying 100%. 

Realistically, I'll probably go through periods where I will masturbate once a week and occasionally relapse with porn until April or May and then feel a relief when this exam is done. Then I can just relax.

Got it. Thanks for bringing up the stats.

I was interested, since I realized that about a year ago when I was addicted, I almost never hung out with anyone besides my ex and I likely really overburdened her by my desire to be social. I was teetering on the edge during those several weeks after the breakup and before coming here to GQ, even though I was obsessed by getting her back, rather than just sinking deeper into the addiction. Going down the route that humans were worth fighting for eventually made me realize that there are more things to life than gaming and her, but they were like 95% of my identity back then.

I'm glad to read that you got this covered and have a sensible plan for the next couple of months!

3 hours ago, seriousjay said:

So I am officially in a relationship with the woman I met on Match. The honeymoon phase has definitely settled in lol.

One thing that I knew was going to happen as a result of this was other things in my life feeling less important and wanting to spend most/all of my attention on her, and it is happening. So I've got to find a new balance that includes her. I'm STILL ultimately responsible for my own happiness so I cannot give up doing the other things I really value.

You know what to do. Good luck, learn along the way and enjoy the initial infatuation 😄

Day 279:

Yesterday, I put a few hours into working on the paper, worked out and went out in the evening for a beer. There were three of us, each from a different country and we discussed history, politics, religion, psychology and we had a good time overall. At one point, I got to mention my former addiction. I said that if there was one thing I missed about it, it was to get completely immersed in the task for hours with laser focus, however with the ability to discipline myself into using it on the right things at the right time. Related video to the topic is in the spoiler.

Day 280:

I put a few hours into my paper again and managed to finish it, so that means now I can study for the actual exam on Monday. I read and did Duolingo as well.

I stepped up my workout a bit, so now I do 20 pull-ups "over", 20 pull-ups "under" and 100 sit-ups, with bike cardio in between series and stretching. I manage that all in about an hour. I think that working out scratched some unconscious itch I had, since I got into it very easily, I have no issues working out every day and I am not sore.

Spoiler

 

 

22 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

@Ikar

Intentions really do define whether you get sexual stress or develop social skills with women.

If you are meeting to possibly become husband and wife, it does not stress you out looking her in the eyes and talking to her. You may just take a look at her body too and if she is dressed okay (nothing revealing) you are still okay because you know there are prospects for something greater to come along. 

But if you are just admiring women here and there, sexual stress is the only thing you are going to carry away (nothing in the way of social skills)

I believe that everyone who consciously wants to get into a relationship does not want to ever break up afterwards and hopes to live happily ever after. Results vary, because you can seek for a relationship after five shots of vodka or while walking down the street or while in a library or while being anywhere else and all of these options have their pros and cons.

Unless you meet in a very unlikely way, you will always have visual feedback on the woman get to your subconscious first and that will affect your behavior towards her, even before any of you say anything.

I'm not sure how do you define arousal, but I have a certain primary purpose for everything I do. If I go to the gym, I work out. If I go to the library, I borrow a book. If I have classes, I take notes and pay attention. If there's a nice looking girl at these places, cool, I can talk to her. But as @seriousjay put it, there is a difference between appreciating beauty and getting aroused, having an erection and imagining being sexual with the woman you are seeing in front of you right now. Appreciating beauty does not take your focus away, whereas you need to invest all of it if you are to do the second.

14 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

@BooksandTrees

Do you think you will eliminate triggers if you reduce communication with women ?

Try it out for a week. If you start getting a clear head, good focus and a very good up-beat mood, then you may just continue.

You will find the woman of your life, but you have to be fit for that moment.

I know you met your wife in a very specific way and I'm extremely curious how do you interact with other women, if you suggest others to willingly reduce communication (how much?) with women for a week. As it's not related to the diary of @BooksandTrees , feel free to just PM me the reply.

16 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think masturbation has strong stress release if done properly. I think gaming in moderation is impossible, but masturbation and orgasm release is important for the body and I intent on masturbating once per week. By that point your testosterone can't really flux past a certain point so you're just on edge all of the time in my opinion. I'll keep testing it, but I'm proud of myself for getting there.

I have read something similar and I think once a week seems ideal for me as well.

16 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I also don't have the luxury of a spouse or girlfriend who can I have sex with, massage, kiss, flirt, feel, etc.

I can attest to that being single and dealing with my sexual and affectionate parts of my nature is more difficult than when I was in a relationship. I miss the emotional charge which came while expressing these towards one single person.

15 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

All of my closest friends are women. I'm not doing that. I think you're severely underestimating my ability to converse with women. I'm fine to meet women in public and often initiate conversations. Even at new hobbies and places like rock climbing, grocery stores, engineering societies, e.t.c I'm very social and get women's numbers. 

My superiors at work are women. The people working for me are women. I'm not going to stop talking to them. They're very important to me. 

It's from the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" I wrote about before, but how do you keep in touch with other men?

5 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

 They mandate me to work at least 30 hours so I've got to meet that quota. I got on some anti anxiety meds and I'm meditating and doing more yoga so that will all help me. Thanks for checking in with me. 

No problem, from the way you wrote it, it seemed like you wouldn't enjoy this change too much, though it depends on what options you have available to deal with it.

5 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

I still really want to make a girlfriend, but I've kind of remembered to trust the process and not rush the process with that. With everything. That means taking my time to just talk and get to know someone for a long time and not asking to hang out or anything. Just really taking my time to chat and get to know people as I'm able to. 

I feel a lot more peace thinking about doing this rather than just trying to ask out girls randomly. Which I'm not opposed to it's just sort of, that's a really high octane activity. I think doing more low to moderate level of stressors is best for me right now in my life. That as I trust in the process it'll slowly build up to more exciting things with time.

Try making male friends first, ideally some you can admire for particular traits or things you'd like to learn and they are better at. The idea is that you can have as many as you can handle (while you likely have only one girlfriend) and it is good insurance in case you break up with a girl, because you still have a lot of your social circle intact.

Be wary of not asking out girls you like soon enough though - the popular catchphrase with what happens to guys afterwards is "friendzone", meaning the girl you like noticed that you are comfortable just listening to her all the time and you have no sexual drive towards her.

I employed a fairly simple dichotomy regarding the above; make friends with guys and make love with girls. Girls have a knack of saying fairly early that they have a boyfriend or are otherwise uninterested at that time. That's not to say you shouldn't talk to your female coworkers in relationships anymore, but that you should look for a girlfriend elsewhere and not dwell on it. Where and when to look for potential dates depends on your personality and hobbies, but don't be afraid to explore new possibilities, especially if you think you have next to none.

Day 278:

Yesterday, I decided to fast for the whole day which is something I have never done before. I noticed that I wasn't feeling hungry in my stomach, however I noticed that I wanted to constantly chew something and that I got a few bursts of saliva in my mouth throughout the day. 

I went for an interview, got through emails, checked on my finances, worked out and put a bit of work into my paper. I noticed I could hardly focus in the evening, because everything I did during the day was productive in one way or another and it seems that I actually use food as a way to relax. I decided to go sleep very early afterwards. Fasting for 24 hours was definitely an interesting experience and I woke up before midnight to eat a normal meal.

On 1/21/2020 at 12:06 AM, BooksandTrees said:

Either that or it's just 20-25 year old kids (mostly chicks, which you'd think is good for me) who don't shut the fuck up about unimportant things. They just talk about their fucking dating life and getting drunk and stoned. Listening to a young to mid 20 something talk about their life wisdom and drinking experience is so toxic and wasteful. I'd rather listen to someone being forced to swallow shit from an elephant above their head.

Damn, and there I am on a board game event, talking about reading Solzhenitsyn and working out daily. On the bright side, it filters out people quickly for you.

 

18 hours ago, Jordan2020 said:

Same dude I have dreams about the girl that actually told me she loved me in real life and then out of nowhere she dumped me and didn't want to talk to me anymore the same night after she told me she loved me. Ever since October 10th of last year it has been bothering me and I see her everyday during school and I keep thinking she will come back around. I will go to sleep at night every single night since the incident and I can't stop myself from dreaming about her. There are even times that I will dream that she decided to come back to me and then I wake up and it annoys the crap out of me. It has been my main source of depression since the incident. I think it is part of what has been causing me to relapse over and over with my gaming addiction. I hope you feel better soon about your loss. I don't think mine will improve till I quit seeing her after this last year of high school this year.

I think there is certain resilience and experience a man must build and have when it comes to interacting with women romantically/sexually. You can have all the plans for an A-bomb, but unless you actually build it and observe what it does, you won't really know what it is. Be skeptical. Double-check in the next couple of days after the romantic/sexual incident happens. If she was out of her mind/drunk/high, she'll flake. If she was genuine, you'll meet again. But being stuck for three months because of this? Both @BooksandTrees and @seriousjay bring up great points.

 

2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Update: I watched porn for the first time in 13 days. It's the furthest I've ever gone. I don't feel terrible, but I've been eager to watch for 3 days. Someone at the gym triggered me a while back. There is nothing I enjoy more than a physically fit woman. I kind of want to get into good shape so I can ask one out. 

But dating just for a body is bad. 

I also know that a personality like the girl I've grown closer with as a friend is what I want and her body is close. She's not toned or ripped, but she's beautiful. 

I'm proud of myself for going 10 days without masturbation and 13 without porn. 

On to the next streak. 

Good job on the no-porn streak! Gym is tricky, because you can frame it both under being sexual and legitimately appreciating a woman with a shared interest and taking care of herself in the same way you do for yourself. We're wired to appreciate good looking woman. I'd argue the worst response you'd get from her is that you are a "jerk" or a "creep" for expressing your natural sexuality freely.

 

2 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

BooksandTrees

This is what worried me from your posts.

When a man sees women in revealing clothing, he experiences a good feeling followed by sexual stress. The stress comes because by nature a man needs coitus every time he experiences arousal, but he doesn’t get it. Then unsatisfied desire gets pushed into your subconscious.

A man can receive dozens of signals like this in one day. A constant life like this can then cause problems for your health. 

I taught myself to lower my gaze on street etc and just avoid gyms that have women in them. The gym I go to is a martial arts men only gym. I obey this command because I know I will save my health many years down the line.

I'd hazard a guess that you are, as a married man, in a different situation. I'd probably be a borderline eunuch around women I meet if I knew I had sex with my wife/girlfriend once or twice a week. Sometimes clothes can make a woman even sexier without showing skin. I think if lingered my way through life, looking into the ground, I'd be hardly ever able approach or even attract any woman, just because eye contact and body language are more important than actual words.

I agree with @BooksandTrees , as he brings up good points.

If the relationship between you and the father of your kids is not working, then it is madness to continue it. Despite the financial security he provides. Despite some bits of affection he still might have for you. And, worst of all, despite your kids.

I'm unsure into how much of a life or death scenario letting him go puts you, but it is obvious from your entries that every day you spend with him costs you a bit of your sanity, a bit of your honesty and a bit of your dignity and those are all valuable things to have.

2 hours ago, Avnat Netzer said:

we're trying to make a few parties happy at once.

The only people you should try to make happy are you and your bride, even if that would mean upsetting someone else. After all, you want to ideally marry only once in your life, so you might as well do it the best way according to you!

Stay on the path 🙂

6 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Oh shoot. I'm getting another twelve hours at work. That brings my total up to 29 hours if everyone shows up for counseling.

Do you have to take these hours? The rest of your post is just worrying about the negative effects of it. I wouldn't want to do 40 hours a week, despite the fact I enjoy what I do.

Day 277:

I felt somewhat tired throughout the whole day, but I didn't let that affect me, except for getting up a bit later than usual and taking a nap in the afternoon.

I worked out, read, visited my grandma and went to one seminar called "What is happiness?" in the community center I've already been to a few times, so I already knew the people. I coined the idea I perhaps could lead some English classes there every now and then (like once every 14 days), though it is still in the works. First, I need to figure out how my schedule for the next semester looks like on the uni, then make that work with regular job opportunities and perhaps then try to incorporate this into my schedule.

I'm also putting in more work into the uni paper tomorrow.

19 hours ago, ElectroNugget said:

Good job on the exam man. 🙂 And getting out to socialize is amazing haha, it's funny how much gaming took that skill away from us. 

Thanks!

I generally socialize through my hobbies and interests, because the event itself screens for people who have at least a bit of a shared interest. Socializing on an event without a particular agenda is difficult for me, because there's no natural continuation to it, unless I really push for it. I'm not the guy to just crash into a group of 6 people and bring up a whole new topic. I feel a lot better when I can single out someone and talk to them on my own. 6 people in a group generally do not introduce one after another to the group 😄