18 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think anything we gain pleasure from can be an addiction.

I guess we just have to get addicted to the right things then! 😄

I think the main difference between a habit and addiction is that you can subordinate a habit for a while for a more valuable short-term goal. I think that could be me skipping my daily workout to study for an exam the next day. I think it's impossible to do that with an addiction, because it would make me prioritize the wrong thing in the given situation.

It used to be just strictly approach anxiety for me.

I managed to mitigate a lot of it though. I'm going to events that happen every week and/or at the same place or making eye contact and saying "hi" to a person I saw a few times already. It helps to know that most of the conversations I'm going to have are not really gonna go anywhere, just because we won't have enough in common.

Nowadays it's conversation skills/being vulnerable. When people trust each other (1-on-1) or when they are not afraid to let everyone know (1-on-X), they can say something personal that makes them vulnerable - e.g. they are afraid of bees or they have to clean every day. I always try to notice that.

Day 315:

I went to visit my parents early and help my dad with reorganizing the cellar. It was quite intensive, so I didn't work out afterwards. On my way back, I took my mom to the local book festival and I bought "Digital Minimalism" by Cal Newport, as I already encountered the book a few times on the Internet.

In the evening, I went out for a beer with my neighbor.

We're actually both reading "1984" independently of each other. I said that if some kind of a totalitarian regime came back, I'd have to leave my country or fight to maintain my integrity, as I already have an idea about what the world has to offer and that I cannot demote my consciousness to a previous level.

We got to skirt my former addiction again. He mentioned that he thinks that addictions can only be redirected, but not completely erased, but I wanted to take that a bit further, so I said that humans are basically addicted to doing something. Anything. 

I believe that we all have a certain amount of energy per day to spend. Whether you think it's a curse or a blessing, that's up to you. And whether you spend that energy digging your grave or building your staircase to heaven, that's also up to you. We're addicted (or habituated, if you like the positive interpretation more) to doing something.

The trick is just picking the right thing to doing the "right" something. But since the conscious part of us is still incomparably smaller to the unconscious, it's a slog, a struggle and every victory takes a ton of effort. I choose to buy into this narrative, as this one assumes free will and taking responsibility for my actions.

Day 316: 

I planned my next week, worked out, read, took a walk and worked on my advertisement stuff.

Reading "1984" makes me realize that any ideology and state system create boundaries and suck in their own way - the difference is that some do it more and some less.

On 2/29/2020 at 7:05 PM, ceponatia said:

I think there's two things that go on there. One is that some people are just addicted to negativity and misery and no matter what happens they will be unhappy. Others are completely incapable of taking responsibility for the decisions they've made in life. I deal with the latter far more at my office. Like women who complain that their baby's father doesn't pay child support even though they've known all along that he has 6 children with other women that he's never paid for. Why would this time be different? lol.

I think these two types might oddly morph together actually. In a way, it doesn't matter if you are addicted consciously or unconsciously to do poor decisions that hurt you, because they still yield the same result if left alone. Gonna write more about it below.

On 2/29/2020 at 7:05 PM, ceponatia said:

"...wear a giant sign saying 'I'm an idiot..." that's funny because it's what I always say about people who complain about their spouse. It's like advertising that you're a moron who makes horrible decisions. Lol.

100%. They should be literally the first person to turn to, outside yourself, in case you think something's wrong. I think the idea there is that if your spouse has a problem, then you also have a problem, even if you aren't first in line to deal with it.

5 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

It's always interesting hearing people's perspectives on your life. I remember I was brutally depressed last summer and when I showed what I believed to be clear-cut signs of dangerous behavior, people just thought I was acting confident and made well-thought decisions. Other times I've been happy for a few days and received comments on how I'm always happy. That couldn't be further from the truth, but it's apparently how I carried myself.

I think only a few people can truly get to know me in the context that I am in now and even fewer will be able to know me in the context of my past and present, to offer good insights to how I should act in the future at any point of my life. The bottom line is, the best person I can turn to if I need help is me.

6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

The real and only information that I'd grab from that talk with her is that you can self-reflect on your journey a bit and see where you have come. It's tough because progress isn't always noticeable in our own eyes since we live it every day.

It's a nice compliment to receive.

I agree. It was also a good opportunity to see how I lived in the past and what I want to avoid in the future - a uni-dimensional life where one thing defines me completely.

6 hours ago, ceponatia said:

It boggles my mind how often people who chose to have children spend all their time complaining about the fact that they have children. Lol. I work in a child support office so it's basically all I hear day in and day out.

Are people seriously complaining about having children? I'm not sure if there's anything more despicable than that. Those people should wear a giant sign saying "I'm an idiot, because I can't hold myself responsible for having kids, because I hate my own decision to have them."

From what I gathered, they decided to have kids to sort of "revivify" their relationship that wasn't going well. Two kids later, I guess they realized adding more children band-aids is not sustainable.

6 hours ago, ceponatia said:

I know what you mean about not feeling strong emotions very often. I get excited about moving forward in music but that's about it. I got pretty low yesterday, lower than I've been since I quit drinking, but I'm back now. Other than that, though, I never have anything truly sad or happy in my life.

Got it. Like everything, it's got it pros and cons.

Day 313:

I worked out and went to the uni.

In the evening, I went out to an English speaking event. I got to meet with a mother of two who told me she hates her life, because all she does is to take care of her kids all the time and that her partner doesn't care about their kids at all, so she's planning to move away. It was really all she could talk about, as her life was just reduced to care-taking activities. She also said that bad luck seems to pursue her in all her endeavors outside of that.

She also told me that I have a great life. It wasn't like that all the time though. Less than a year ago, my life was a total train-wreck without me even knowing about it. But I took responsibility for myself, started to discipline myself, stopped lying to myself and started to live my life with dignity. This conversation reminded me of that.

I also got asked what made me happy in life. I said it was working out and maybe reading.

I didn't consciously think of it in the moment, but I think my brain rephrased it to "what makes my life meaningful". I hardly ever feel the ecstatic emotions of immense joy or sadness. In fact, what I feel the most is the feeling of tranquility. I'd even argue I feel this way too often and that I could use the element of change/instability in my life, but it's not something I want to artificially counter.

Day 314:

I went to the uni, worked out and read.

1 hour ago, Alexanderle said:

This is something, I am struggling with. In general, I would think the same and even recommend people the same thing, but it is quite hard to really start believing it deep in myself that getting rejected does not matter. I mean, this is something that might still pull me away from just going to people and start talking with them or even to initiate a nice flirt.

The idea there is that most people you will talk to will have none or little impact on your life. The amount of people you meet also matters in friend/date selection. Do you meet every day, every other day or every week? There is a lot of factors. But people generally don't tell each other to piss off; most likely both of you will feel that those conversations you are having are going nowhere, but that's natural. You can't befriend everyone in a way that would benefit both of you long-term and make you want to meet every now and then.

1 hour ago, Alexanderle said:

That is what I have to remind myself off regularly. Because the temptation to become desperate is always there. xD

I am having a hard time finding enough time to obsessively ruminate about some potential relationships. There's a difference between being thoughtful/prepared for the next interaction you might have with someone and daydreaming on hours on end what is the optimal plan. Balance.

12 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Its very important to be a healthy and disciplined guy when you’re by yourself.

Exactly.

Because then it doesn't matter whether you get rejected or not; you have enough stuff to do on your own. You're not desperate trying to find a relationship that would define the most of you.

3 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

I read from this book “1984” and dislike how the media pushes it as predicting the future. This and the other books of its genre aren’t really predicting the future that much. If you read Jules Verne’s fantasy novels - he was writing about powerful submarines powered by electricity, spacecraft taking humans into outer space.

This wasn’t achieved in his time, but many scientists hypothesized that in time technology would get to a milestone where these missions would be achievable.

An informed guess about 50 years into the future is much easier than 300 years into the future.

I'm some 60 pages into 1984. I think Orwell's idea was to point out the ways of how can technology be used to control and alter behavior of individuals, but in the end it was just an ideological tool. So while he was predicting a dystopian future in England, he was describing the current reality in the Soviet Union. I don't think describing a dystopian future was ever Verne's motivation. They're incomparable in that regard.

Day 311:

I worked extensively on putting myself on the online platforms I wrote about. I also worked out and my mom came to visit me on the dorms for a bit. I went to one lecture in the evening and stayed up late with others in the student's lounge.

Day 312:

I went for an interview, worked out, did Duolingo and wrote. I'm going to read 1984 before bed.

38 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I can't describe it really. I just became so distant in that moment and lost all feeling. I was stunned. I just felt like an ocean away in an instant. 

I learnt from my philosophy/psychology courses that our psyche isn't very stable. If you have fancied her up until now because of your common values, I think you'll be okay once the fog clears.

5 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I don't know if I mentioned this, but I won't be pursuing that girl I liked anymore. I just don't see it anymore. Kind of disappointing.

Interesting, did something happen objectively? Or are you just worn out from talking to her?

Day 310 addendum:

I had a meeting my father set up with one of his acquaintances, regarding business items I want like calling cards and car stickers. I also chose a new book for me to read from the uni library, as I didn't seriously read for about a month. I am getting "1984" from Orwell; I think it will have a sufficient pull for me. In the evening, I went to the philosophy courses and got good advice regarding using more online platforms to advertise my business.

55 minutes ago, Tomas said:

But then there are all those old underlying problems coming out to the surface... And do I want to write about that? Not really. Most of the time I am just tired of fighting this big battle in my brain. But... I guess, writing all this here on this forum, makes me more aware of what I am writing. What am I saying? What do I want to say to myself? I'd like to create a positive mindset. So it might be a good idea to continue writing, at least once or twice a week. And visit others in the process.

If you feel that there is some old stuff resurfacing, write about it. I'm not writing this so I have more stuff to read, but I found out that writing helps me recognize patterns I am acting out, so I can be honest with myself and honest with others sooner than if I did not.

The GQ forum is by and large very tolerant and compassionate, so you don't have to be afraid of someone trying to pillory you for something you wrote. I personally like confronting people and their ideas, asking them why they think X and not Y and if Z would be better. On the other hand, I think spending an hour writing here or spending an hour talking to someone IRL is incomparable in the possible return of investment of doing such a thing.

3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I got invited to get beer after work, but I declined because I needed to study. I got home and procrastinated a bit, but I laid down after eating dinner and just cleared my mind. After about 1 hour I finally studied for 2 hours. I'm very happy about this

I wonder how much of a motivator to study was turning that offer down. I can imagine that in my case, even if I turned down a relatively mediocre offer to go out, I'd make sure I studied.

Day 310:

I did Russian and had a slightly lighter workout, even though it was still difficult to get myself to do it.

I felt oddly lonely afterwards. I truly enjoy putting in the effort to be more social and then analyzing how did that particular conversation/event go and I think that's why I got this sort of a "downtime" when I focus too much on the results and push that passion too hard. It's also the second day where I feel battered at the end of it, despite not doing anything besides the basic maintenance. On the flip-side, my past Saturday was amazing in terms output, so I think that went well and I think I'll get my energy back tomorrow.

5 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Man one of my clients is on screens like 8 hours a day plus, but doesn't identify as an addict. 

Depends, there is a lot of stuff one can do on the computer, but watching TV or gaming for 8 hours a day is not the best course of action.

5 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Its still hard having a friend who has yet to try to talk on the phone once. And I have to ask her to talk everytime >: |  She's a nice over text so at least that much. Ehn. She's into christianity, but is also having a lesbian relationship. It makes me feel uncomfortable sometimes, but I've kind of gotten over it and now I'm just like, whatever be lesbian or not do what you want. I'm not trying to control her and make her only date guys anymore.

Friendships are about acceptance, not about forcing your values onto others. If someone was trying to change my sexual orientation (and were serious about it), I'd tell them to piss off and worry about their own life. Good choice on not doing that anymore.

5 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

I notice you workout like everyday. Noice. Are you lifting weights? 

I do pull-ups, sit-ups, leg-press, bike and weights.

Day 309:

I planned my next week, visited my parents and worked out. I'm feeling fairly beat after today.

3 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Yes I went off topic because you have said something very important. We can have fears over the result causing worry in us (your friend’s statement). By accepting possibility of rejection or failure- the real you start to become visible. People start seeing you for what you are and may be attracted to you. You dont want result at all costs.

Worrying about any sort of results overextends us emotionally. Reading that girl’s signal in that way got you to worry because if she likes you, its causing the question in your head: shall you get closer?

I agree with that. In this regard, I need to gain more experience, because I only started being more social about 10 weeks ago. I am enjoying the process for the most part, simply because I know I can't skip it.

Day 308:

I worked out, watched two videos from Peterson and wrote extensively in my blog. I went out in the evening to meet with two guys from high school.

29 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

@Ikar, coveting or caring for something too much kills my nerves. I can achieve the result, but at a great mental cost and then cannot enjoy it.

In fact, this thread seems to run through many things in life: attracting a woman, getting your desired job, moving to a new home, reacting to a conflict. When you start thinking: “I will get this, it’s okay, it’s not such a big deal” the people around you seem to notice the change in your composure and start taking a different route with you. 

My friend left his carpet in the common area for the cleaners to pick up a couple of days ago. The concierge who looks after the place, naively thought it was put “away” and took it for herself. My friend’s reaction was surprise, maybe some disagreement, but she didn’t really let herself get worked up over it. 

I then contrast this with an employer in an English law firm who used to swear at his employees and pressured them to bill their clients aggressively. Then, on friday nights he would encourage the employees to go down to a local pub and accept him paying for everybody’s drinks. First anger triggered by coveting, then atonement through gifts?

You mention your experiences and areas in my life I want to be more knowledgeable/wise about, but I fail to make the connection in how that relates to one another. It could be that it's past midnight here, but I am unsure how to reply to this, because it seems ambiguous to me.

Day 306:

I worked out and got some work done on my web. I think I might be half-way through it at this point. As for working out, I started doing more complex full-body workouts.

I attended a presentation with a guy who is doing interviews with the veterans/insurgents of wars in the Caucasus. I thought it would be more history-oriented at first, but in the end it was about understanding why specific people participated in them, gaining people's trust and getting to the real roots of their participation.

In the evening, I went to an English speaking event and I met a respectable young entrepreneur whom I want to chat with again, because he seems to be on the right track, at least in my eyes. We agreed on the importance of having mentors in our lives to learn from.

Day 307:

I went to the uni, worked out and went to bed early.

On 2/20/2020 at 3:06 PM, Alexanderle said:

First of all, the big idea overall is to get rid of pornography. By now, there are probably hundreds of studies showing the devestating effects of pornography. This stuff can even change your brain!

I think there's even an ethical perspective to not watching porn, because then it's possible to refocus your sexuality into the real world. Once it's back in the real world, you'll fantasize about real women you meet. Once you do that, then you have a clear bearing for what women you want to approach and perhaps date. And once you are in a relationship, your sexuality gets hopefully integrated into something greater.

10 hours ago, Tomas said:

For all the cash I spend on that game (it is ridiculous), the card knowledge I got, the fact I ALMOST got to Legend... Oh man... how much I wanted to get to legend, and after that quit the game... That game... is poison. Hearthstone is like a pack of cigarettes. I can't just play one game and the quit. I have to smoke the whole pack, and then buy some more. Can't I just play a few games each day? No, I can't... And I am not going to. Goodbye Hearthstone, you peace of beautiful sh*t. 

Constructed only ever was about getting above 50% W/R anyway, so it was just a time-grind. I much rather played Arena and I was infinite at it, though I quit HS almost 4 years ago.

@Alexanderle is right. You're doing this for yourself.