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Ikar
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Posts posted by Ikar
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Day 246:
A couple guys from my former HS class and I hiked a mountain, so that and transport took us the whole morning and afternoon. I attended my former class' meeting in the evening.
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17 hours ago, Vidar said:
My sister has a boyfriend who has a car and she said one of the reasons she fell for him was because he had a car.
Hehe, the way you put it sounds a bit funny, but it's true. I think at least having a car license is something that is never wasted. I think it is like working out, knowing how to cook, keeping your flat/room relatively clean or having a job that you like and you are good at. It shows a general level of competence and I'd say women crave that.
8 hours ago, Vidar said:I just hid in my room and played computer games. My parents just let me sit there, there was never any demands on helping out with food, cooking or cleaning. So there I sat until I was 30.
Good observation. I think I was in the same spot. On one hand, I was sort of happy that nobody really wanted anything from me, on the other hand it felt strange and I was likely to be disgruntled if I was asked to do something.
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Day 245:
I read in the morning, did a bit of paperwork and researched events for the next week. I went to the cinema with several of my former classmates and friends in the afternoon, went to play billiard afterwards and had a good time socializing.
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Day 243:
I did a bit of work on the paper to prepare me for today, although I did most of it today. I read a bit as well. In the evening, I went to play bowling with my friend and a bunch of other people. We drank a bit more than I'd like, but I managed to win a round! I slept over at friend's place afterwards.
Day 244:
I got up somewhat late and felt I drank the night before, although it was minor. I got to my dorms and continued writing the paper... up until now. I felt good and steady while writing it, without any stress. I submitted it before the deadline. I'll be okay if I'll have to re-work it a bit. I feel content right now. I hope to catch up on other things I've been writing soon.
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This strikes me as the second case of yours in a couple of days where you go really out of your way to comply with/help someone else. The first thoughts I got regarding the drunk was to either shove them into the nearest motel or into their car, while taking the keys away from them, so they can pick them up the next day. If they were a real friend of mine and I wouldn't be drunk myself, I'd drive them over to my place or stayed with them.
I feel these are the examples that reinforce the thought you had that people are useless, irresponsible and stupid. It's a sound idea to be this care-taking around babies, but not around adults, as you'll just get used and abused. Don't be selfish. Be assertive. I think "No More Mr Nice Guy" by R. Glover would be an excellent book for you.
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The guy mentioned that in general women are sexually viewed as objects and men as subjects. I agree that this idea is flawed.
I think there's no correlation between women doing most of the verbal rejections and them wanting sex. I think the exception to that might be ugly girls (or those who think they are ugly). Men do rejections visually. I think transposing this to men would mean something silly like "men don't ask out most woman they meet, so that means they mostly don't want sex". All in all, I think women want sex the same amount as men do.
Look up Crumb (1995), if you are interested in this particular sons/mother familial pathology. I saw it a few months ago and it was great.
Thanks for sharing @BooksandTrees and @Vidar. I consider myself lucky I did not have my parents actively messing up my own relationships.
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Day 242:
I got up on time. I also got a new alarm track.
I had a short English Skype class and I had to drive to take care of an errand, so that was all for my morning. I took a peek at one biology presentation that was held nearby for a bit. I read Gulag for about 2 hours. I also decided to go for a jog and ran 6 kilometers in 30 minutes, which is pretty good. I've always been proud of my legs, as no matter what I did, they have always been strong.
I wanted to work on my paper for uni today, but I did not do much. It should take a couple of hours and I technically have two days to finish it, but I'd like to get it done tomorrow. It felt like I used up all my willpower and focus on reading/running.
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2 hours ago, Phoenixking said:
If you would have said to me years ago that one day I'll be faced with dealing with my overwhelming ambitions vs time to execute them, I would have laughed at you and continued my paused game 5 seconds later. I hope that in a few years, I'll have found some more peace and will be busy with running my business and being happy.
I think just a year ago, if someone asked me, I'd have said arrogant like "I have it all figured out." I was unemployed, out of shape by this point, in a faltering relationship. I think that was as far as it could get from "having it all figured out" now. I am a funny guy!
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Day 241:
About 45 minutes later after the first alarm.
I wrote a bit in the morning and got Duolingo done. I went teaching and then visited my grandma.
No Ejaculation: 0 days
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"Really, that's on me to figure out (which is kind of messed up when you think about it.) I don't have a background in X, Y, Z, so being able to research all of that and figure it out was very cool."
Sounds a lot like life with that small change I made. Good job!
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Day 240:
I was teaching for 5 hours today. I managed to read some 20 pages of Gulag, walk for about 45 minutes, cook chicken breasts (probably for the first time since I left Iceland), do Duolingo and reduce a lot of tabs from my browser.
I feel my mind is insanely sharp the past few days and it's really dishing out one interesting connection or idea after another. I feel great and properly stimulated and I think that's a result of being quite social the past several days. It's tough to find spare time to do all I want to do though.
No Ejaculation: 1 day (12 days before)
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38 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:
I agree. That's why I got very mad about it. It just shows another strange way of being used.
My mom does it when I talk to her in person. I think it's annoying. I'm choosing to not talk to her again.
Don't worry, I wrote my ex twice before she would respond myself. I think the second time I wrote "Nobody wants to die alone." - and she replied to that! The rest is, as they say, history. I hopefully learnt my lesson there. The chaser/chasee or savior/victim mentality is toxic, no matter on which end you happen to be.
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I am currently fairly busy thinking and writing on my own, but I wanted to write this, as it's based on practice rather than theorizing and it got stuck in my head. I think the woman writing you thrice before you reluctantly agreed to meet up handed you your own medicine. Imagine you would have to try thrice to get her on the date. I think that's a shitty game to play. Just like the woman that tried to kiss you on the first date, it's a sign of desperation to keep asking out someone who doesn't give a damn about you.
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Day 239:
I visited my parents together with my brother today. I wrote and thought a lot today, I also saw a podcast with Jordan Peterson and Jocko Willink.
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Day 237:
I had a short English Skype lesson in the morning. It was fairly interesting, because the student started translating quite an advanced manual on his own, so it was a bit challenging for me as well. I searched for events to attend to the next week, although it looks like it won't be as busy as this one. I finished one of my works for uni, so I sunk a few hours into that. There's one more remaining that I have to get done by Christmas, so I'll make some headway tomorrow.
I went to the indie rock concert afterwards. Two of my former classmates from high school play in one of the bands and I already knew a bunch of people around, so I talked to the ones I knew from before and also to some I knew only by sight. I didn't see most of them for several months or even a year.
Even though I drifted away from indie rock as a genre, the bands had some punk elements to it and good solos for guitar and bass. I had not been to a concert in a long time, but I think I became more receptive towards music. The mosh-pit towards the end was great!
Day 238:
I woke up with a slight headache. I dodged an entry yesterday, mainly because I returned home at 3 in the morning and I was wasted. It was interesting, as while it made me less intellectually capable, it made me more spontaneous and carefree. I went to my friend's English classes again as support and we talked a bit afterwards. He makes his classes thought-provoking and I think the added value of that is great, as he's not just "teaching English".
I am going to post more in the morning.
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On 12/13/2019 at 7:33 PM, Icandothis said:
Hi!
This is awesome that you are attending school events! So glad things are going well.
Could you, briefly, expand on the groups thoughts of addiction? I would love to hear more.
Have a beautiful day.
Thanks! Moving to the center definitely helped out with that a ton.
I did not actually bring up the topic myself, it was one girl who mentioned writing her graduate paper on addiction. Her stimuli to do that was spending a few hours on Instagram daily. I remember the discussion also skirting "attention management" and going to chambers of complete darkness and silence (there should be one on one of the faculties and I want to check it out!). I don't think anything struck me as a particularly shocking discovery, maybe because the topic range was so wide.
I'll write something more about addiction in the post below.
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2 hours ago, Phoenixking said:
Yay! Progress! ?
Damn right! It never dawned on me that there wasn't too much to talk to me about, if my "ideal" day would be spent at home, either gaming a few niche games or watching other people play them. Whatever else I had I could talk about were chores or some societal things that were more or less forced on me (job, school) and that was all there was to me as a person.
Nowadays, it feels like I grew balls. I have opinions. I have beliefs. I like this and I don't like that. It doesn't matter if I am (more) right or if I am (more) wrong than somebody else. I feel like having beliefs I can fight for and finding "allies" who share them gives life meaning I can't get if I spend my whole life being ubiquitous.
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Huh, I just noticed you had two Day 8s! I hope your girl manages to come out of her stressed/depressed episode on top, all you can do is to support her by telling her the truth and how you feel.
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Day 236:
About 15 minutes later after the first alarm.
I slept over at my parents again, because the logistics would work out better for today. In the morning, mom and I went to take our plum ferment to the distillery.
I returned to my dorms in the afternoon and I went to an event in the evening, organized by the students of psychology with a few guests they invited. There was a vast majority of women as well. I didn't know anyone there, so at first, I was at a bit of a loss and sheepish, as I thought I'd arrive on time to see the first presentation, but one of the guests had a delay, so I decided to join one of the groups to listen and talk to.
The evening turned out well. I had a good talk with one of the guests and the students. They were even surprised I managed to find the event on my own as an "outsider". We managed to share opinions on addiction, teaching (English), attention, I even overheard someone talking about Russian as a language... I feel like I did a good job today, as well as a bit of networking. I'm happy my horizons have broadened enough, so that relating to people is way easier than it was before.
No Ejaculation: 10 days
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How do your social circles look like? Do you have a social hobby outside of school/work, assuming these are not your passions? When/how do you meet attractive women in person?
Give yourself venues to meet other people, preferably with shared interests. I think it's extremely difficult to try and have a romantic relationship without having a solid footing in the social environment as a whole, so nurture male friendships as well.
Neediness and desperation come from the mindset that you have only X options and no matter how much that X actually is, you think that X is woefully low. It is scarcity mindset. I don't know what your age group is, but take a walk around some place for half an hour, like university campus or a department store, notice good-looking women and count them. It doesn't matter whether there's a guy right next to her holding her hand. Just count.
All these suggestions/questions are fairly general, but I hope they will help you take stock of how are you currently doing in the social (dating) environment!
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16 minutes ago, Icandothis said:
The more and more I exit the fog of gaming, I see how horrible the reality is.
You are doing a stellar job in taking your life back from the unhealthy environment you have been conditioned to believe was normal. We have all ben there. Keep up the fight!
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Day 235:
About an hour later after the first alarm.
In the morning, I did Duolingo, cleaned the rest of my room, read and watched a bit of Peterson on relationships.
In the afternoon, I went to one of the companies I work for to do some paperwork and I dropped them a hint I expect a raise the following year, as I'm signed only till the end of December, the other company pays me more and also because I'm reluctant about adding more hours, so I might as well get paid more and I feel I have a bit of a leeway in this.
I went to get a haircut afterwards and visited my grandma. After that, I went to a seminar regarding stress management. I just did the funny exercise introduced by @DaBest !
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6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
I think that was me talking about having a difficult time leaving bed unless I have priorities lol.
Sometimes our energy changes and it's tough. We just gotta build new habits slowly so eventually we get up. That might be easier when if we start the day off with some rewarding activity maybe.
The trouble with that is that I'm not sure if there's something as instantly gratifying as masturbation. For example, I love reading a book for about an hour and figuring out some links and connections it might have in my life, but the instant pull and incentive to do that is not as strong. By not ejaculating, I effectively made it so that my sexual appetite is not inhibited for days, but just a couple of hours. I do get more energy for my days overall because of that though. I think I started noticing staying in bed longer about a month ago.
Who knows, maybe I am using it as a defense mechanism to not become too horny when I am out on some event. I prefer events with some more particular agenda, where I can put forth my knowledge and experience regarding a particular topic. I like to voice my opinions, when I feel it's appropriate. If a woman starts eyeing because of that, great, but it's not my primary goal and I'll enjoy the event regardless.
I think Glover wrote there are two ways of stopping a behavior: consciously quitting it OR consciously overdoing it. I might explore doing the latter, after trying out what @DaBest wrote below.
6 hours ago, DaBest said:This may sound really freaking dumb and dorky, but I literally practiced getting out of bed, and it's seemed to work well (especially when coupled with journaling, for me at least). When I got back into the habit, I would set an alarm which would go off in a minute, get into bed, fake sleep, hear the alarm, get up right away, turn it off, and walk to the bathroom. I would then do this seven times in a row to set that new habit loop with the new cue. Before, I used to set four alarms and would be liable to stay in bed for up to an hour. Now, I have just one alarm, and I'm up within ten minutes.
That sounds so freaking dumb and dorky it might just work on our slightly oversized animal brains and it makes me giggle just thinking about it. I'll start doing that today!
6 hours ago, DaBest said:Also, it's cool to see what you wrote about your haircut. It feels true. The better I've felt about myself, my haircuts similarly improved. It's weird, but it's true. If you take a look at bodybuilding transformations too, you see a lot of that--unkempt hair and fat/skinny one photo, ripped and well groomed in the next.
I think all of that - bodybuilding, grooming, better clothing - are symptoms of an improved lifestyle and also a more balanced one. I have a few ideas myself on how to continue improving mine, mainly considering some adjustments to my Internet time and setting up some plans to exercise regularly during the winter.
Thanks for your comments!
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Day 234:
This was mentioned by other GQers on the forum. I also really struggle getting out of bed when my alarm rings. What works is having some kind of a commitment to other people to get me out of bed immediately, but that doesn't happen daily. The other thing that worked was being a gaming addict, but I don't consider this a viable solution for this problem anymore!
I won't dwell on this too much, as I think it's a symptom of my (I think so far too stationary and shut-in) lifestyle. I stay in bed and masturbate (but not ejaculate). This week I really managed to pack with social activities, so I'll try to keep being social and see what changes over the next few weeks.
Related to that, I want to form a bigger number solid IRL friendships and find my next girlfriend. I'm also putting more effort into how I dress and I'm getting the first custom haircut of my life tomorrow. I think it was about time that my exterior reflects my interior, at least to some degree.
It's been about a week since my move and I still feel somewhat cumbersome with taking responsibility for cooking and cleaning more, but I both cooked and tidied my room a bit today, so I think I'm doing okay for starting out again. I had a blast on Iceland while taking care of myself.
As for today, I was supposed to teach in the hospital complex, but a shooting took place there just few hours before I should've had showed up, so the classes got cancelled. I took the unexpected day off and did a few productive things instead:
I unpacked the stuff I brought from my parents' yesterday, did Duolingo, read Gulag Archipelago, put an hour or two into my uni homework and took a walk in the dark around the neighborhood for an hour. It gives me the kicks to go alone somewhere I've never been to before!
Some yesterday's and today's events on the forum reminded me the importance of healthy doubt and experimentation.
No Ejaculation: 8 days
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Ikar's Diary
in Daily Journals
Posted · Edited by Ikar
Day 247:
I took a long walk and went shopping. I wrote a bit, got my blog online and read too. The link for my blog is in the spoiler below, but there's nothing in it yet!
https://ponderingmartin.blogspot.com/