Ikar

I'm aware. My days are fairly semi-automated and I keep them reasonably balanced in terms of free time too. I hardly ever feel idle or overwhelmed.

Thanks! There was a fitting quote on the NMMNG forums that I remembered: "You never "have" a girlfriend. You just take turns on her with other guys during the course of life. Once your turn is over, accept it and move on." It seems that I have done that. I wrote about this occurrence because I was surprised and proud of myself. All this could be totally random with me seeing things where there are none, but I assumed the "worst" case scenario and it actually empowered and solidified me.

I think going with Option 1 will also allow you to find more like-minded people and a better environment for growth. If your work colleagues are soporific dullards that have nothing interesting to share, it might be their fault, but it's your fault if you meet them and then get angry because of them being who they are. This point is technical, but there are two types of "friends" in my book: 1) Guys/people - I don't mind hanging out with these every now and then in a group. It can be virtually anyone. They either stay here or get "promoted" after I get to know them more. 2) Friends - I can go out with these solo and know I will have a good time talking to them.

Day 405: I had two students in my English class in the morning, I checked out Forex, worked out, skimmed through the materials for the exam on Thursday, went for a walk and read, had a short Zoom meeting and played desktops in the evening after a long hiatus. Day 406: I had a battery of webinars to attend to today it made my back hurt sitting for several hours. I'm not used to that kind of a lifestyle anymore! I read, did groceries, worked out and wrote with my friends. --- Life's speeding up for me and forces me to prioritize some things/people over others. I like having options, but it's still a relatively novel concept for me as a person and not because of the past 10 weeks or so. I got a bottle of wine from the guys I teach and some promo items from their company. It felt good to be appreciated! --- I wrote this to my friend. Three weeks ago, an image of a smiling woman landed in my WhatsApp inbox from an unknown number. It stays blurred unless it is downloaded which I did not do at the time. Yesterday, I had some business on WA and I skimmed through my messages and contacts. Even though the picture was blurred and the original file unavailable, I then consciously realized the striking similarity with my X at that point. I felt dismayed after the realization and I checked the channels I used to communicate with her to see if there's something that I missed, though I found nothing. During the time, I began to realize that I'm actually not involved in this. My version from a year ago would probably be involved in this, but not me. Not anymore. I began to feel more as if I was someone who got beat, but found a way to get it right the next time. And that's what I do; I'm doing it "right" for over a year now and I'm getting after it every single day. Her, or not. No factor. If she's smiling because she is happy, then I am happy for her as well. If she's trying to twist the knife in my intestines after nearly a year of no contact, then she missed the right time. I'm miles away from the blade. If she had to hold onto it this long, her issues are enormous. I thought if I should do something to retaliate, but I just responded with a single question mark. I feel no rage. I asked my friend recently about his high school classmates and whether he meets them. He said that almost never, because they got to know him at a specific time as a specific and they still remember him that way, even though 30 years have gone by and he's completely different. I've worked hard and I'm someone else now too, even if in only a year and a few months.

My parents got them for me when 6 or 7 years ago, though by that time I attended the drumming lessons for the about same amount time. I quit drumming because I moved to another city 4 years ago and now I'm getting back into it.

Day 403: I worked on Forex, hopped around with basketball, visited my grandma, sorted out something regarding my drums, visited my grandma, did the laundry, had an English class and finished the fourth season of "Billions". Day 404: I worked on Forex, took a walk and read, wrote to friends, worked out and had a Zoom meeting.

I actually got AG at 1/3 of the price, because it's not brand new and someone had it before me, but the books are in good shape. I hope you have a good read! 🙂

Day 401: I did Forex, worked out, cooked, read an article online, washed the dishes and met separately with two friends. I also passed an exam, the next one should be in a week. Day 402: I sorted out my browser tabs, windows and bookmarks, watched/did Forex, wrote a friend, worked out and had a Zoom business meeting in the evening. I also started reading "Rich Dad Poor Dad" by Kiyosaki, something I've had on my desktop for four months, but only got to reading it now when it seems currently extremely relevant. --- I feel as though as my energy regulation was in the crapper. I get everything done as per usual though.

Day 399: I studied, visited my grandma and family, played Scrabble and worked out. Day 400: I planned my next week, worked out, studied extensively, went for walk and read. I finished "Beyond Good and Evil" and I am going to get my own copy in the future.

Day 396: I worked on Forex, worked out, visited my grandma and had an English class in the evening. There was a new student and she felt fairly excited by the class, so I'm hopeful she'll show up the next time! Day 397: I wrote my friend, worked on Forex, had a Zoom interview, worked out, cooked, studied, went for a walk, read and attended a birthday party. Day 398: I had a class in the morning, had an interview, relaxed, took a nap, checked on Forex, went for a walk and wrote my friend. --- These few days have been taxing for me emotionally: I got onto the real Forex account and up until today afternoon I didn't have success. I planned the whole of yesterday to make sure I have enough time. Even though I normally enjoy everything I did/do, I hated the fact I have to do them by an exact schedule, as if having it written down caused that. I also thought about my masturbation habit. I think I spend about an hour masturbating daily, although I do not ejaculate most of the times and I try to be smart (socially) about it when I do, so I do it once or twice a week. I used to ejaculate more about a year ago. That is closely connected to (not) having a romantic relationship. There are strong pulls in both sides of why/why not to have a relationship for me. I'm both excited I notice opportunities and get involved and at the same time I am anxious whether being in a relationship will make my vigor fade away and become lazier. I want to study during the weekend, though I planned to study the whole week for an hour or two daily, but I couldn't align my priorities correctly. All these things above made me just to have someone close who would give me a pat on the back and told me I am doing well anyway. 9/10 times I'm willing to pull my own weight and some extra. 1/10 times I wish I was easier on myself. It works well in global, just like when I drive my car. I hardly ever use brakes and I like to drive fluently, so to slow down, I mostly gear down, let the revs do their thing for a while and slow down slowly that way. But this is the case I don't like to acknowledge, but have to admit it happens time from time and I have to brake, otherwise that crazy pedestrian is on my hood. To end on a good note, I'm again getting used to talking to people I don't know much, be it socially or during the class.

I'd argue most people today are defending their current regime, because it's the one they know. Roughly 100 years ago, married women with kids didn't have to go to job to earn money and didn't have the right to vote. Most people back then thought that this was fine. Nowadays, there are different rules about that and people think these are fine. But there's no telling which one is "better". It makes me wonder why the voter turnout is around 60%, if "everybody" wanted to vote and what would happen if not voting would mean one wasn't allowed to vote for the rest of their life or even went to jail for "ridiculing the government" or something 🙂 The opposite applies as well though and it's in the book. If you want nobody to have a strong opinion of their own, the best way to achieve that is to employ the "morality of the average". Do what everybody else does. Don't do anything interesting. 1984-style. Nietzsche argued that there are many different philosophies, because there are many different people and what's right for one might be wrong for another, but the mistake that every philosophy did was to claim it's for everyone. I agree with that. There's no way to utilize the same principles everywhere in the world with the same success. I got to it through thanks to him. Chapter IV from the 1st volume and the second half of the second volume are my favorites from the book.

Got it, good luck 🙂 Things are becoming a bit tougher for me now with exams coming up and implementing some study-time into my schedule, but I don't think it's anything insurmountable. Business as usual.

I didn't read a book "for fun" in a long time. I think the last book I read that way was one of Terry Pratchett's Discworld books and that is surely over two years at this point. I like to keep reading into my "learning/intellectual stimulation" box of activities. I also read only one book at a time. I find the more demanding the book is, the more stimulating I find it on its own and the more rigorous I have to be in going to the park 😄 I agree. It's a non-book. I mentioned somewhere in my diary Eckhart Tolle writes these too. They are polar opposites though. One style is accepting, soothing and the other one is argumentative and aggressive. I actually prefer the latter during the most of my time. I love it. It could be because I am reading something like this for the first time or it could be because it's not catering to this day and age. At one point, I thought about how it's possible this masterstroke is not banned 😄 I pause often while reading it and that's why I read "only" some 14 pages in some 50 minutes and ponder for more 20 while walking back to the dorm. I figured as much, although one can't be amazed by everything all the time anyway. I have my quarrels with the education system as it is though, because what it mostly does is to just flood students with (currently valid) random facts. The only difference between that and clicking "Random article" on Wikipedia is that it keeps students in a controlled environment, for better or for worse, depending on the person and circumstances. I'd puke myself blue if I had to endure that again. My plan is to buy all the books I read till the end, then to read them for the second time and take notes. I already got Gulag Archipelago in my library, as a gift for myself for the 1-year game-free anniversary!

I thought about this today. People like other people who are similar/familiar to them, because that allows us to relate. Nobody is looking for the "best" person in absolute terms. It's about the duality of warm/cold compassion. There is a stronger pull towards familiar people to support them emotionally and accept them as they are, BUT also a stronger pull to ensure they stay on the path that is desirable. I mostly relate to myself in cold compassion. If I feel I didn't do very well during the day, I think something in the lines of: "Fine, you had a bad day today, but I want you to perform tomorrow." and it works for me. I think overall my environment is trying to sway me to be more warm though, for better or for worse. This is why I drive with the radio off, because I get them as well. I get them when I go for a walk too.

I always remind myself of the past days back when I was whenever I feel I didn't perform that day. I think that push when I realize the difference is still there. I think the solution to that could simply be to not talk to the same people every day. They're not your roommates nor your SO. If you think they are not receptive enough to your advice (which is actually the correct default), accept it for the time being and check back with them later if you want to. My good friends are also in part my good friends because I do not talk to them every day 😄 I do not like "wasting" time either, but if I watch 3 hours of series on a day I have only for myself while I combine it with eating and relaxation, I think it's good enough. It's indeed interesting, because there's no sure way to tell how my gut will feel at the end of the day, regardless of how much/how little I actually did.

It's just not an easy book to get into, so I prefer to go out to avoid any distractions. I generally take 20 minutes to walk into the park to read it there. I don't read books before sleep, because I hardly ever read something that would be considered resting/relaxing/soothing and I like to be high-focus when reading.

Day 395: I wrote here, did Duolingo, read an article on the Internet, sorted through mails, hopped around with basketball, cooked, did a bit of Forex, went for a walk, read and worked on my GIS project, as I got it back to make some adjustments. --- Even though I am reading "Beyond Good and Evil" for almost a month and I have to get out of my room to read it, I'm astonished every time I get to it. I don't understand all of the book, but it speaks volumes to some parts of me (and I believe every human) that have been downplayed and/or considered vile in today's age. I don't want to be considered good or bad; I rather want to be whole.

Do you have contingency plans to get through this? If you no longer need/want to quarantine in 1 month? In 3 months? In 1 year? I was thinking about making some as well, but my habits and things I wanted to do were mostly already set before all this began and I started doing a few other things, such as Forex, writing or getting uni work done in advance to replace social gatherings. It might help you internalize that it's not going to be like this forever. I think a month and a half ago, when the restrictions were at their peak around here, I met with my friend and coined going to a demonstration if the government pushed them further. My rationale was that even if I got locked up, I'd have the same amount of freedom and that I want to actually live rather than survive. They've been loosening them up ever since (nowadays restaurants can serve in their outdoor premises), so that contingency remains unexplored as of yet. In a way, this is a prime time to get to know oneself and others. There are as many opinions about this situation as there are people and nobody really knows what to do. I think I feel with Books on this one. I'm also somewhat obsessive about finding out how much/how little people do in their lives and what do they do in general. It could be that I hold myself to high standards, that my ego that commands me to be better than everyone else or that I give my full trust to a select few. I acknowledge that all of these are my issues though and that it doesn't make sense to blame anyone else for my inability to accept reality as it is. @Alexanderle I'm looking forward to that blog of yours 😄

Day 392: I slept over at my friend's and we headed out to the English outdoor event. I knew all the people there and we chatted and ate. Day 393: My friend, one colleague and I went to the bobsled and it was great. We could control how fast would it go, so it felt like riding a car at great speeds! We met with a couple of his friends afterwards too, so I got to know some new people as well. I got home in the evening and managed to hit the gym. Day 394: I planned my week, spend some time on Forex, visited my parents, started fixing up my drums, scanned through some old books and exercise books and went to a philosophy course. --- I felt a bit guilty after the English outdoor event, because it didn't turn out to be as English as I expected and it was more casual. My friend, who was basically the leader-teacher of the event, told me not to worry about it and that I did what I could do. He told me he also expected others to be more proactive than they were, but ultimately you can't shove something down someone's throat and call that a voluntary decision. It was still good to have such an experience anyway, because if I once get to lead organize such events myself, I have to remember and know they are not just about me and not get worked up about that. I connected a few dots in my mind today at the philosophy course. I realized the way to go about one's life is to create an excess of good habits, treating one well etc., much like if we were building a relationship with someone else. The nature of such behavior is not therefore transactional. I'm going live with Forex tomorrow. I have my goals set up. I believe I am disciplined enough to make it work. I can do this.

Day 389: I did Forex, did a chart of my expenses for the past 5 months, went to the gym, visited my grandma, had an English class with one student and had the philosophy class in the evening. Day 390: I sorted out my laundry, chatted with a friend, finalized my expenses chart, went to the gym, did Forex, sorted out mails and went to an English meeting in the evening. Day 391 afternoon: I taught in an English class, did Duolingo, cooked and worked on Forex. --- These days are quite demanding, as they are the foreshadow the ones that are going to come. I feel mangled after all this. I've been stepping up my workouts, so I feel them more. I'm also getting back into actually speaking in English. I had two cold beers outside yesterday, so that probably had some effect too. So I am taking today "off", keeping it minimal and just relaxing for the most part. I'm also going to an English outdoor event with my friend during the weekend.

Haha, I agree gym is not a place to have deep conversations. Going for a walk or having a beer or two makes more sense. I try to create consistency because I know in due time I will get to know that person (and even myself). I just need to be more patient and try to not be too forceful about it.

Since all of us here are/were gaming addicts, I do not find his behavior odd. I find it normal. The issue with that addicts just latch onto one thing. A well-developed personality makes its life dependent on more things, because when any single thing goes out of the window, they can carry on with their life. It's a rough lesson, but sometimes one needs to let go of something they love to get what they need.

Day 386: I scheduled my next week (been some time since I needed to do that), watched a few Forex videos, worked on Self-Authoring, visited my parents, got a haircut and took a walk. Day 387: I watched a Forex video, worked on Self-Authoring, went to the gym, did the laundry, read outside and chatted with a friend over Internet. Day 388: I watched a Forex stream, went to the gym, cooked, went for a walk, read and sunbathed like a lizard while sitting on the bench. --- I wrote my friend, because I tried to square away my emotions the past two days. I get peeved when I perceive someone (ranging from them asking me to me having a hunch) wants help. The issue is that I afterwards think they just made a buffoon out of me, when they likely never intended to do that. I think I need to learn to detach from the situation and watch what they do instead of what they say or how they come across. I need to learn to offer help (and not to shove it down their throat) and let them come to me when THEY decide to come. I figure as much that people want to talk about their problems most of the time and solve them in due time on their own. I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum, because I learnt to sweep my problems under the rug as a child, so I hardly ever just talk about my problems and I usually tackle them on my own ASAP. Another thing is that I think I expect too much from people and I try to build deep friendships quickly. The only time I built a deep friendship with someone quickly was with my ex, although I had no idea what and why made us close to each other. I'm grateful both the emotions of anger that propels me forward to do something and acceptance that soothes and validates me as I am.

Long, but consistent and satisfactory. Life's been good and I'm happy to be here 🙂

Welcome to the forum! I'm happy you find my journey inspiring. Thanks and good luck indeed 😄