Ikar

Day 778: I worked out at the gym, visited my family and watched the hockey finals in the evening. Day 779: I had English classes, wrote, visited the philosophy course and had a social evening. Day 780: I cleaned my room, stretched at the gym, did the laundry, had English classes and a social evening. Day 781: I had English classes, wrote my monthly report, did some work around my car, got through some newsletters and went for a walk. Day 782: I had English classes, worked out at the gym, wrote, read newsletters/finance, got through mails, got my computer fan working, polished my online ads and now I'm writing this. I might have a social evening. --- I'm back to doing things after a week of taking it easy. It still takes time to figure out where exactly to put the hours I put towards the university, but I am getting better at it. --- Gratitude: I'm grateful for knowing myself more as time passes.

I'm using the template I used the last time. 27/04/20 - 09/06/20 "L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: white (default) for newly added goals, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period. --- Active writing (blogs/writings/journal): L: I've been working on the thesis and a tiny bit on the diary here. T: I finished the thesis and wrote here regularly. Future goals/direction: Finish Past Authoring and the whole course. Write on my blog. Keep writing in my diary here twice a week. Work on "Breaking Free Exercises" from the NMMNG book. Books/Reading articles: L: I decided to simply skim through all the newsletters that accumulated in my inbox about a week ago. I got through "The Prince" quite quickly and already lent it to a friend. I've also been reading a lot about finance in general too. T: I spent most of my time reading the uni materials for the final exams. I got through some newsletters and didn't pick up a new book, I'll see what picks up my interest in the future. Future goals/direction: Continue getting through the newsletters. Family: L: I plan to talk to all my family members in a private (separate) manner this month and... share my thoughts with them and have a bit closer relationship with them? The Spanish girl encouraged me to do it, after I told her about my relationship with my family. It's not that it's horrible, but I feel it is somewhat distant and that most of my friends have closer ties with their family members, even if not with all of them. I already expressed myself to mom. I talked with my brother separately, though not about the "deep stuff". Relationships and sex were non-existent topics in my family, so it's difficult for me to initiate in this regard. T: I talked a bit to my father about the topic of relationships and women. I'm gonna talk to my brother this weekend; I didn't see him the last one. I told my grandma a few details about the Spanish girl since my grandma asked. Future goals/direction: Talk to my family members separately. University: L: I've been putting in the hours into university quite steadily. I've been working on my bachelor thesis, but I think I have to step up, as I need to finish it by the start of May and I also have to study for the graduation exams. I have a prime opportunity now to grind down on the thesis in the next few weeks. I chose my masters and applied for VIA/Erasmus for the next year. I finished work on the bachelor thesis yesterday, so I can start studying for the finals. I have a bit over a month to study. I'm gonna go for Erasmus to Hanover in about a year if everything goes well. T: I finished my final exams. I plan to continue studying to get my masters' degree. I don't need to worry about the university for at least three months now. Future goals/direction: Apply successfully for VIA Exchange/Erasmus by passing the tests and interviews. Start studying for the finals. Exercise/movement: L: I played football several times and went for walks sometimes. I've been experiencing a bit of a backache and stiffness though, so that encouraged me to do more exercise. The weather's been getting better, meaning I am more likely to go out for walks or exercise. T: I played football, went for walks and worked out at the gym. I am currently doing some exercise every other day, mostly going to the gym. Future goals/direction: Martial art research? Work out twice/thrice a week. Keep in shape (using walks/sex/exercise). Social: L: I'm normally social these days. I think I might be nicer and more attentive to people overall, though it's hard to quantify that objectively. T: I started going to the Monday philosophy courses again. I'm predominantly social during the evenings with the people from the dorms, so I want to diversify my social groups more now that the CV restrictions are going away. Future goals/direction: - English: L: My current workload is around 23 hours per week. I could even have more with the less-paid courses, but I feel fairly happy with my working situation and I enjoy the work I put in. T: My current workload is around the same number. The work's been going well, in fact, I am hardly ever stressed by it, especially if I do some planning before the lessons. Future goals/direction: I am going to send out some mails again to language schools and various other subjects to set up interviews from my secondary email. (do in August) I am going to pursue closer co-operation with my English mentor. I am going to check out a few more seminars on how to run online courses. Women/dating: L: T: We've been flirting and dancing around around with the girl from April. I told her we're gonna do something together after I am done with the finals and I want to keep that promise. I'm not 100% sure if it's the right move, but I'm gonna take the opportunity regardless. Future goals/direction: - Additional activities: Personal finance: I've gone from actively spending time on this topic to more passive scanning. Chess: I still do a bit of chess every now and then, but not as often as before. Marksmanship: I've been having thoughts about returning to this hobby. ----- Masturbation - reminder: L: I think it'll be as with gaming - I tried to haphazardly quit gaming multiple times, but finally by getting here I reached the breaking point. It's likely gonna take more than a few weeks and re-making the decision that I don't have time to waste. Ejaculation is easy for me to handle, it's just that masturbation overall is difficult to get rid of. It's a process. This term was quite rough, especially with all the female attention that I've been getting recently. Masturbation is taking a toll on my sleep schedule, but I believe I will manage to handle it in a more healthy way. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do such a thing if I had a girl with whom I could have sex every (other) day, but my sexuality still my own responsibility even in that case and I have to deal with it in a way that doesn't screw me over. T: After having sex, I found out that I am more accepting of masturbation and that I do not hinge on it as much. Maybe because I already internalized the belief that sex in "just another" (yet important) thing in my life or because it's easier to get than I thought. Either way, I sense more peace in myself in this area. Meditation: L: I never got around to do it, though it could be that I incorporate some of it while working out or singing along with music or while on a walk. I want to figure out where to put it into my daily rhythm. I meditated a few times and I enjoyed the calmness. I gotta step up the relaxing activities, even though it sounds like an oxymoron 😄 I think reading + meditation might be a good combo, it’s just that I have to remember to do it when I have enough time to read, but not enough time to go for a walk at the same time. It's getting cold outside though, so I will not read outside too much anymore. T: - Gratitude: L: I managed to sneak it in into my journal a couple of times, so that's good. I'm grateful for all the new relationships and opportunities that flew into my life the last month. I'm going to make sure this continues. T: - --- Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month: Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month: --- Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:

Day 773: I had English classes and a social evening. Day 774: I had English classes, cleaned my room, talked to a friend and had a social evening. Day 775: I wrote a mail to the mayor of my home municipality, had English classes, did the groceries and worked out at the gym and watched hockey in the evening. Day 776: I had English classes, played football, practiced chess and had a social evening. Day 777: I watched a few videos by Jocko Willink, went for a walk with a friend, played chess and thought about things I can do now that I have more time. Day 778: Today - TBA. --- The mail to the mayor was a response to his series of questions that he asked regarding the suggestions for future development in the area. It all originated from me asking him if there's some vision for development in the area. I was/am fairly happy about the fact that after a long time spent in the education system, I produced something of real value, because the university work sometimes seems self-serving. I spent a good amount of time this week lazing around and not doing anything particular. I can enjoy that for a few days but I know there are things to do, so I am going to get organized for the next week.

Is there any way to get more detailed feedback? Such as how many people passed, the answers you got wrong etc.? It's difficult to improve when you don't know what to improve on, what were the actual minimum conditions for passing the exam and how many people actually passed. Definitely a good idea, as your girlfriend can't be the sole source of happiness in your life. Besides, sometimes you're going to piss off each other, no matter what you do or don't do!

Day 770: I studied, went for a walk and had a social evening. Day 771: I studied, visited my family and had a social evening. Day 772: I had the exams, worked out at the gym, played football and watched hockey. Day 773: Today - TBA. --- I passed the exams. I got pretty average questions, I had average knowledge and I got an average grade. I didn't feel nervous during the exams. I either knew or I didn't. I could think and derive thoughts rationally when I was asked. I'm content I don't have to deal with this in August again. --- Gratitude: I'm grateful for being firm.

Day 767: I had English classes, wrote here, studied, went for a walk and had a social dinner in the evening. Day 768: I had English classes, studied, had a rehearsal for the exams with a friend and watched hockey in the evening. Day 769: I went to get groceries, had English classes, studied for the finals and I'm gonna go to the gym in the evening with a friend. --- The exams are on Monday. I'm going to seek out and double down on any topics I feel bad at during the weekend. I'm not saying I am perfectly prepared, but I gave it my best shot in the last five weeks. Regardless of the outcome, I will have at least two months to relax and return to more of my hobbies. I haven't really had time to do that basically since Christmas because of the workload for the university (winter semester exams Dec-Jan, bachelor thesis Feb-Apr, final exams May) and workload from English teaching (gradually went from 5 hours a week in October to 25 today). --- Gratitude: I'm grateful for having a balanced life.

They've actually opened the pubs several days ago, so I hope the sport and cultural events are going to open in June as well. It's easier to stay away from addictions with good people around. Sounds good! It seems that you are happy with your relationship and that you are getting what you want.

I think that's right on point with any addiction. There are more things that are evidently harmful (smoking, alcohol, gambling) and people need help with them too. The issue is that they need the epiphany; to realize there are more valuable things to spend time and money on than games. You can't cram it down their throat. I think the current problem of the society today is that people overall are at a loss about what to value and what to do. The "good traditional values" (loyalty, trust, responsibility) paradoxically got us to a point where we don't need them as much as we used to in the past, at least to survive physically. The generations before us toiled their lives away so we could live better today and I believe we continue to do that. It takes time for the collective human mind to figure that out. Remember that 200 years ago, the average age was 30, there were perpetual wars, hunger, diseases... the amount of people who had any "free time" as we know it today was very small. Today, it's harder to recognize when we screw things up, because it usually doesn't have the immediate effect these things had on us in the past. We don't normally pay for our mistakes on an existential basis anymore. As with any "new" thing, it takes time to use it well. I have sympathy for humanity overall, because we first have to fuck up before we get better.

Day 763: I studied for the finals, wrote here, went for a walk, played chess and watched hockey in the evening. Day 764: I studied for the finals, visited my family and went to bed early. Day 765: I had English classes, studied for the finals and watched hockey in the evening. Day 766: I studied for the finals, worked out at the gym and had English classes. Day 767: Today - TBA. --- I got a bit of time unexpectedly after a student had to reschedule the class, so here I am. I've been studying a week now with four/five days left to go, plus those two weeks I spent sorting out the materials. I'm trying to focus on the topics I have gaps in, so that I am not screwed if I pick topics I am not acquainted with too well. I don't think the exam is horribly difficult. I just have to remember the cues/keywords for the topics or extract them from the question's parameters. I feel nervous, but all I can do is to put in the hours to study in the next few days. If that fails, I can try again in three months. There's also a girl that's been giving me signals for a while now. I let her know we can do something together after I'm done with the exams. --- Gratitude: I'm grateful for being an early bird. I still find it somewhat weird that it's light outside before 6 though 😄

It does. I haven't seen a spam-bot recently either. No idea about any hard data for the website though.

Day 761: I had English classes, studied for the finals, worked out at the gym, got a haircut and had a social evening. Day 762: I studied for the finals, had an English class, watched an interview with Fry and Peterson and worked out at the gym. Day 763: Today - TBA. --- I've been studying for the finals, both simply reading and also practicing my recall memory by talking about the topic for a minute or two after closing the file. I somehow find that it's fairly draining to listen to my voice, trying to put together ideas and sentences. The concepts are not difficult to understand or explain, it's just that I actually have to remember the key parts that I can go from. It's been about a month and a half since the Spanish girl and I stopped meeting. I think there was still some sorrowful residue in me until recently, because I've felt some relief after talking this over with a friend and getting alternate perspectives and interpretations. Sometimes the loving thing is to let go, while recognizing the good times and genuine affection. What makes it difficult is that the person you need to let go is the last one you want to let go. I later realized the two principles below to be vital in any romantic relationship. I later came to realize I adhere to these in any relationship that I value: 1) Respect - there are always going to be differences in opinions, behaviors and actions. Respect those. However, if there's something the other person does regularly that I hate, I have to speak up. Maybe it's something minor and they have no problem with dropping that, but maybe it's enough to make the relationship break apart. Respect isn't tolerating shitty behavior and letting my balls get broken wherever and whenever. 2) "never assume a hostile intent" A.K.A. "never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity" - nobody is out there to get me, especially the ones who are close to me. People might envy, be unkind and ignorant, but they hardly ever do that on purpose. It's a symptom, not the illness. If someone fucks up and I am caught up in the collateral damage, I try to understand why they did what they did and forgive them. If I get caught up in the damage too many times from a specific person, it might be a time to reevaluate the relationship, but everybody fucks up from time to time.

Day 757: I worked on the topics for the finals, prepared for my English classes next week, played football and had a social evening. Day 758: I worked on the topics for the finals, visited my family and went for a walk in the evening. Day 759: I worked on the topics for the finals, had English classes, did the laundry and had a social evening. Day 760: I went to my doctor for a check-up, donated blood, bought new shorts and slippers, had English classes and talked to a friend in the evening. Day 761: I finished working on the topics for the finals, had English classes and I went out in the evening. Day 762: Today - TBA. --- Including today, I have 11 days to go over the materials and to study. I already grasped the basics and cleared up misunderstandings as I was sorting out the distilled versions. I don't plan on studying whole days on end until the exam. Currently, I can manage 3 hours of studying daily; if I can bump that up to 6, 5 or even 4, I'll take it. I don't have more time than that most days anyway and I like to keep myself sane. I believe I should be able to cover at least one bundle (22-24 topics) every day; reading it and then recalling the focal points of the topic, meaning I'll go over each bundle at least three times before the exam.

I think so as well. I tried to push myself to do it on Thursday and I just gave up. It's just annoying that my initial estimate was to sort out the materials in a week and I'm already at the end of the second one, but I know I am already revising the materials just by writing down the most important parts. Time to get to work.

Day 749: I studied for the finals, played football, played chess and talked to a friend. I had a headache in the evening, so I went to bed early. Day 750: I studied for the finals, visited my family and had a social evening. Day 751: I studied for the finals, had English classes, played football and had a social evening. Day 752: I studied for the finals, had English classes and had a social evening. Day 753: I had English classes for the whole day. Day 754: I had English classes, didn't study at all, talked to a friend and went to bed early. Day 755: I studied for the finals and had English classes. I'm gonna relax socially in the evening. --- As a preparation for my finals, I've distilled about 33 topics so far and some 22 are remaining. There are 15 more, but they're already distilled enough. On a good day the maximum I covered so far was 7, usually after working 3-4 hours uninterrupted in the morning. Today I've done 6. I can't make myself study more than 4 hours; I'm just mentally done after that. I'm unsure whether it's realistic to expect from me to get them done during the weekend, but I think finishing them by Tuesday is doable. The exams are on 31st and I want to go over the materials I've composed at least a few times.

Day 747: I researched finance, had English classes, studied for the finals, played football, went to the shop and had a social evening. Day 748: I studied for the finals, had English classes, watched a few videos about entrepreneurship on Khan Academy and had a social evening. Day 749: Today/TBD. --- I'm studying for the finals, but I have thoughts running through my mind, so I decided to put them here. I'm gonna put together the evolution of my dating life that has happened over the past year and a half, since the second longer-term romantic relationship I've had is at its end. The first one lasted nine months, the second one roughly three. Therefore, the average duration of a relationship where I had sex is half a year. This might seem like a silly and funny statistic to point out, yet I think it has some relevance. It seems as if there's no casual sex for me. It seems as if my template for this behavior was is grandma who only ever had sex with my grandpa and were married for nearly 50 years. I'm not necessarily saying that it's good/bad/naive/smart or anything else compared to any other behavior. I just think it's a part of me that I have to work with. I think the idea is that we just need to find someone who is willing to play the same game as we do and sometimes try out what works and what doesn't to update that. If I want a stable relationship, I can't go have sex with someone first and then try to shove the idea down their throat second. I want sex and intimacy. People want sex and intimacy. It's assumed. There's no romantic relationship happening without sex and intimacy at some point. I have to check for the ideas first and then have (the "guaranteed") sex and intimacy. Easy as that. It does seem that when I feel secure in a romantic relationship, I shut myself off to other opportunities to try and form similar relationships. I maybe could've had two romantic/sexual relationships at the same time back in February. I chose not to, because I thought it'd be too much hassle to deal with, even if everybody involved would be fine with it. That brings me to an idea I've read a long time ago from Manson: Why play games if you are in for the long run? There's no time for pretense or jealousy games. Get straight or get out. I might have troubles saying these things, but I've found out that if I want to have someone in my life, I want to be with them. Presence (and a bit of action) seems to be my primary language of love. Regardless, these 18 months saw me noticing and doing things with several women. It's not important where on the range it was; if I just noticed the signal or had sex. Everything counts. Things were fairly complicated for everyone. I imagine if CV happened 5 years ago, the effect on me would be next to none, as I lived online anyway. The influx of new women into my life has been severely limited, so that is/was also a factor in my relationship choices. In March 2020, I made a draft of what I would want in a woman (according to Glover's 5 dos and 5 don'ts), I updated it in December 2020 and today. A lot of them are subjective rather than objective, but I believe that's fine. Here it is: DON'T 1 HATE LIFE - SUBJECTIVE 2 SMOKE/DRINK/PHONE ADDICT 3 HAVE MULTIPLE SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS - TOO TANGLED TO DEAL WITH 4 HAVE FREQUENT MOOD SWINGS - SUBJECTIVE 5 BE OVERLY DEPENDENT ON ME - I AM NOT A GOD DO 1 MEET ONCE A WEEK AT LEAST 2 KEEP IN SHAPE 3 WORK ON HER CAREER/UNI 4 BE PRESENT WITH ME 5 HAVE HER OWN LIFE 6 KEEP HER WORD/BE ON TIME 7 BE LOCAL - STAY IN THE AREA FOR AT LEAST HALF A YEAR TIME Having standards is difficult, but I want to remember this list above the next time I get involved in something romantic/sexual. Growth often hurts in the moment, but then we get the benefits for sacrificing the pleasures of the present. --- Gratitude: Happy V-E Day everyone. Today's world isn't perfect, but it's the best we've been able to manage.

Day 744: I had English classes, went for a walk and studied for the finals. Day 745: I studied for the finals, had English classes and had a social evening. Day 746: I had English classes the whole day, so I just took a nap and watched some Khan Academy videos about various professions in the US. Day 747: Today/TBD. --- I suppose distilling the total of 70 topics from 300 A4s to something more compact is not going to take just one week but rather one and a half or two. It takes me half an hour to get through the topic, so I have to make time for that. The good thing is that I am thinking hard and examining the concepts that are in the topics, so I am already learning along the way. I've pondered and talked to some people about emotions recently. I got annoyed by actions of one girl a few days ago, though I managed to keep my head cool in the end. I haven't cried for a long time, though at the same time I am sometimes afraid/reluctant to do something and feel some discomfort. My sex drive also seems to be in order. Some of my emotions might be hidden or subtle, but they're there. I think that's why I prefer to be steadfast, organized and responsible. I can handle chaos, but I can't live inside of it. --- Gratitude: I'm grateful for my friendships. I overall feel that they've gotten deeper over the past three or four months.

Day 739: I had English classes, went for a walk, studied for the finals and played desktops in the evening. Day 740: I had English classes, researched finance, went for a run + some pullups and studied for the finals. Day 741: I studied for the finals, had an English class, wrote an email regarding my bachelor thesis, got through some newsletters, watched a documentary about education and hung out with the foreign students in the evening. Day 742: I researched finance, studied for the finals, went for a walk and for the groceries. Day 743: I researched education and Khan Academy courses, studied for the finals, visited my family and set up a tracking app for my money. --- I decided to take the last three days playfully and freely. A bunch of things happened: I went for a run and a small workout on Thursday and I was dead tired in the evening thanks to the fact I also masturbated the day before. I think it's a good idea to exercise outside more now that the weather is nice and also because I'm not planning on having sex anytime soon again. I can still do pullups, but I feel fairly rusty! I've also realized that even if I'd be able/willing to have sex with every second/third girl, I'm aware none of the ones I'm familiar with are not going to make the cut for the relationship. It's fine for me to want sex, but I need to get to know the women first and that usually takes at least several weeks. I communicated with the mayor of my home suburbs regarding some sources for the the bachelor thesis I submitted on Monday and he seems fairly interested to discuss the findings of the thesis with me. It's good to know my thesis is useful AND that I get some recognition for it. I couldn't stand doing a fully theoretical work that would just get shoved into the drawer. As for the finals, I've so far been just skimming over the texts. I'm familiar with most of them, but it's still some 300 A4s (and over 60 topics). My brother advised me to create small cards with basic description of each topic to help me identify the focal points of each topic and to study and revise based on that. I've put all my finances tracking into a semi-automated app, instead of the Excel sheets I've been doing for the past year and a half. It's got graphs, numbers and all, it looks very neat and I had a lot of fun inputting the data into it. That said, I'm gonna spent less time on finance from now on. It seems that I know what I need to know and that the time can be used elsewhere more efficiently. Today I've read about Khan Academy with its courses and the take on education. I can't tell much about it, but I'm gonna find more time to research it in the future, because I find the concept of online video learning interesting. --- Gratitude: I'm grateful to know that the plural of "index" is "indices". It explains a lot! 😄

How's life treating you?

Day 733: I had English classes, worked on the thesis, researched finances, went for a walk with friends and talked to another friend in the evening. Day 734: I worked on the thesis, researched finances, had an English class, went for a walk and attended a party in the evening. Day 735: I worked on the thesis, went for a walk and talked to a friend in the evening. Day 736: I washed the dishes, worked on the thesis and spent time with my family. Day 737: I finished my thesis, had English classes and went to bed early. Day 738: I finished my monthly report, started studying for the finals, researched finance, had English classes and played desktops in the evening. Day 739: TBD. --- I'm gonna work around 25 hours a week from the next week onward. The pay is good and I feel useful, so it's great! The finals are in a month, so I already started studying yesterday. --- Gratitude: I'm grateful for being a calm and levelheaded person.

I'm using the template I used the last time. 15/03/20 - 27/04/20 "L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: white (default) for newly added goals, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period. --- Active writing (blogs/writings/journal): L: I worked on the exercises for NMMNG a bit. I think my journaling here was reasonable too. No Past Authoring or blog writing though. T: I've been working on the thesis and a tiny bit on the diary here. Future goals/direction: Finish Past Authoring and the whole course. Write on my blog. Keep writing in my diary here twice a week. Work on "Breaking Free Exercises" from the NMMNG book. Books/Reading articles: L: I picked up "Ordinary Men" and got through it rather quickly, the topics of psychology and war grip me strongly. The progress on newsletters has been slow. T: I decided to simply skim through all the newsletters that accumulated in my inbox about a week ago. I got through "The Prince" quite quickly and already lent it to a friend. I've also been reading a lot about finance in general too. Future goals/direction: Continue getting through the newsletters. Pick up "The Prince" by Machiavelli. Family: L: Maybe you remember that in the past, I put here some words that I should talk to my family members. I actually did talk to my mom a few weeks ago to support her current behavior, but I haven't talked in that way to my father and brother (and grandma, to an extent). I plan to talk to all my family members in a private (separate) manner this month and... share my thoughts with them and have a bit closer relationship with them? The Spanish girl encouraged me to do it, after I told her about my relationship with my family. It's not that it's horrible, but I feel it is somewhat distant and that most of my friends have closer ties with their family members, even if not with all of them. I already expressed myself to mom. T: I talked with my brother separately, though not about the "deep stuff". Relationships and sex were non-existent topics in my family, so it's difficult for me to initiate in this regard. Future goals/direction: Talk to my family members separately. University: L: I've been putting in the hours into university quite steadily. I've been working on my bachelor thesis, but I think I have to step up, as I need to finish it by the start of May and I also have to study for the graduation exams. I have a prime opportunity now to grind down on the thesis in the next few weeks. I chose my masters and applied for VIA/Erasmus for the next year. T: I finished work on the bachelor thesis yesterday, so I can start studying for the finals. I have a bit over a month to study. I'm gonna go for Erasmus to Hanover in about a year if everything goes well. Future goals/direction: Work on the bachelor thesis. Apply successfully for VIA Exchange/Erasmus by passing the tests and interviews. Start studying for the finals. Exercise/movement: L: I did some purposeful exercise in the past few weeks, but I mostly find that I go for walks (alone or with a friend) and have sex with the Spanish girl. The time length of the act obviously varies, but I think the average could be three times a week for at least half an hour. T: I played football several times and went for walks sometimes. I've been experiencing a bit of a backache and stiffness though, so that encouraged me to do more. The weather's been getting better, meaning I am more likely to go out for walks or exercise. Future goals/direction: Work out twice/thrice a week in my room. Keep in shape (using walks/sex/exercise). Social: L: I spent a lot of time with the Spanish girl, not only having sex, but also talking about our opinions, philosophy for life, singing or going for walks, so often I didn't feel the need to be collectively social in the evening, though I still spent time with my Czech and international friends. There have been some cases of anginas and CV at the dorms in the past two weeks, so there were less chances to meet, but I feel healthy and the Spanish girl got tested for CV on Saturday, so I'm clean. T: I'm normally social these days. I think I might be nicer and more attentive to people overall, though it's hard to quantify that objectively. Future goals/direction: - English: L: My current workload is around 18 hours per week. I got a few courses from my secondary employer, so it's good that I was able to diversify a little. There's a third subject that I could teach for, but they offer me 80% for their courses, because they deducted the rate when the course is online. I asked for the pay rise from my primary employer and although it didn't work out, they wrote that we can revisit the topic in September if things go well. T: My current workload is around 23 hours per week. I could even have more with the less-paid courses, but I feel fairly happy with my working situation and I enjoy the work I put in. Future goals/direction: I am going to send out some mails again to language schools and various other subjects to set up interviews from my secondary email. I am going to pursue closer co-operation with my English mentor. I am going to check out a few more seminars on how to run online courses. Women/dating: L: I learnt that perhaps I do not have as hard-core of a monogamous mentality as I thought I would have. I'm also probably more aware than ever that everybody is fucked up, including myself. There are a few women I could think of in the romantic plane in my area. I don't think it makes much sense to be writing about specific women though. I came to the realization that planning in this area is usually cumbersome and counterproductive. I cut one of the relationships, did sex and I'm keeping my eyes peeled. I was predicting the change in my sexual mindset and behavior for a long time. I behaved and acted in line with it. I just needed the reality to catch up on it; similarly to that when I was gaming, I got fired from the post office several days after I quit gaming, because most of my (unsatisfactory) work there was done when I was still gaming. In the past, I believe I looked at the more obvious sexual displays of others with both distaste and envy at the same time. Especially when I thought that I have no other option than to sit and do nothing or to get drunk and hope that something happens. It just took some time to internalize that the thing standing between me and a good (even if only sexual) relationship with a woman is... me. As long as there are two consenting adults, whatever goes. Whether it's a good idea or not is another question (given the circumstances), but I won't villanify that behavior a priori anymore. That said, a horrible relationship is better than none at all. The cataclysmic end of my last one was likely the trigger for me to quit games for good. Nothing is forcing anyone to stay and die in a horrible relationship, except the lack of options in one's head. (December) I learnt a lot about the sexuality of women over the past few weeks by spending time with the Spanish girl. I learnt a bunch about my sexuality as well. I also learnt relationships can be more nuanced. It's been a great learning experience so far. (January/February) I've spent about two months with the Spanish girl and this morning she left home for three weeks, after which she should come back. I feel that she's into me, that she cares about me and that she doesn't want to lose me (be it to another relationship or due to some quarrel between us, though I find the latter less likely), though at the same time I feel we both want to assert ourselves to leave other options available. In my case to find someone more "permanent" to date/be together with, because I know she'll be gone in the summer. In her case it's different relationship philosophy and uniqueness of every relationship. To explain that further, she actually encouraged me to meet other girls to see what might come out of it, which is generally something I am not 100% confident at and could use some practice in. Regardless, despite our differences, I feel that we're willing to respect each other and not argue about them. (March) T: We had a few talks together with the Spanish girl and decided we wouldn't carry on with the sexual element in our relationship. It was the first time for her trying to amalgamate sexual and affectionate relationship into one and the second time for me. I decided to take her for her word and not to push her into something she doesn't want or isn't sure about. I sensed/noticed that it's not the first time she's having difficulty in continuing the relationship in the current setting. I think that a part of good relationship is the ability to respect "no" as a "no" and it's definitely one of the things I want in all my relationships that go deeper. I'm actually somewhat surprised by how romantic the relationship has come to be. I think we are both considerate of each other and already value each other to go through this in an abrupt or otherwise bad way. I feel a sense of loss in a way, but I think various factors chimed in to dampen it. Besides, I have learnt a lot about various sexual topics and I grew more confident in this regard. It's very liberating to be playful and inventive too! - This one is actually only a few days old, but I do feel attracted to one girl and I want to have sex with her, although I don't think something long-term could come out of it due to the factual differences that we have. Hooray for being human! Future goals/direction: - ----- Masturbation - reminder: L: I think it'll be as with gaming - I tried to haphazardly quit gaming multiple times, but finally by getting here I reached the breaking point. It's likely gonna take more than a few weeks and re-making the decision that I don't have time to waste. Ejaculation is easy for me to handle, it's just that masturbation overall is difficult to get rid of. It's a process. This term was quite rough, especially with all the female attention that I've been getting recently. Masturbation is taking a toll on my sleep schedule, but I believe I will manage to handle it in a more healthy way. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do such a thing if I had a girl with whom I could have sex every (other) day, but my sexuality still my own responsibility even in that case and I have to deal with it in a way that doesn't screw me over. T: After having sex, I found out that I am more accepting of masturbation and that I do not hinge on it as much. Maybe because I already internalized the belief that sex in "just another" (yet important) thing in my life or because it's easier to get than I thought. Either way, I sense more peace in myself in this area. Meditation: L: I never got around to do it, though it could be that I incorporate some of it while working out or singing along with music or while on a walk. I want to figure out where to put it into my daily rhythm. I meditated a few times and I enjoyed the calmness. I gotta step up the relaxing activities, even though it sounds like an oxymoron 😄 I think reading + meditation might be a good combo, it’s just that I have to remember to do it when I have enough time to read, but not enough time to go for a walk at the same time. It's getting cold outside though, so I will not read outside too much anymore. T: - Gratitude: L: I managed to sneak it in into my journal a couple of times, so that's good. I'm grateful for all the new relationships and opportunities that flew into my life the last month. I'm going to make sure this continues. T: - Additional thoughts: Personal finance - I've been putting a lot of time learning about personal finance in April. It's more of a hobby to satisfy my curious needs at this point, as I've already decided on my strategy. Chess: I still do a bit of chess every now and then, but not as often as before. --- Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month: Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month: --- Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:

I think it's good that you decided to come out here. For whatever reason, I thought I made a more indiscriminate post here more than a year ago, but it actually seems fairly reasonable. I can say I do not feel stupid for assuming you were female while I was trying to be helpful. In the final analysis, it turned back against you, because you got some posts that were trying to relate to something/someone you are not! I agree with Peterson on this one, though it takes some time for the "obvious logic" to catch up with reality and take effect; in my case I'm going over the fact that I'm attracted to and want to have sex with a girl whom I "logically" see a lot of incompatibilities for something long term.

2-year anniversary here. Happy anniversary Martin! 😄 I've done a lot of work over the course of the last two years. I've started some habits, jobs and relationships and quit others. I've definitely picked up a lot of wisdom and common sense too! --- Day 729: I visited my family, researched finances a bit and did a few minor things. Day 730: I had English classes, worked on the thesis, talked to the Spanish girl and played desktops in the evening. Day 731: I had English classes, worked on the thesis, shopped and went for a walk. Day 732: I had English classes, talked to the Spanish girl, researched finances and now I'm writing this. --- We had a few talks together with the Spanish girl and decided we wouldn't carry on with the sexual element in our relationship. It was the first time for her trying to amalgamate sexual and affectionate relationship into one and the second time for me. I decided to take her for her word and not to push her into something she doesn't want or isn't sure about. I sensed/noticed that it's not the first time she's having difficulty in continuing the relationship in the current setting. I think that a part of good relationship is the ability to respect "no" as a "no" and it's definitely one of the things I want in all my relationships that go deeper. I'm actually somewhat surprised by how romantic the relationship has come to be. I think we are both considerate of each other and already value each other to go through this in an abrupt or otherwise bad way. I feel a sense of loss in a way, but I think various factors chimed in to dampen it. Besides, I have learnt a lot about various sexual topics and I grew more confident in this regard. It's very liberating to be playful and inventive too! The final comment I'd close this with is that I think I have a tendency to be sexually exclusive, because I believe in my ability to have a good sexual relationship (most likely as a part of something greater) and if it's not good enough, then I'll just move on and try something/someone else. Then again, I think that holds true for any type of relationship, not just a sexual one. There's little reason to stay in a relationship that isn't working properly/beneficial.

Day 723: I had English classes, played football, worked on my thesis and played desktops in the evening. Day 724: I had English classes, worked on the thesis, researched finances, got through my newsletters and talked to a friend in the evening. Day 725: I had English classes, worked on my thesis and played desktops in the evening. Day 726: I had English classes, worked on the free course in finances I mentioned before, worked on the thesis and played desktops in the evening. Day 727: I had English classes, researched finances, worked on the thesis, went for a walk, to the shop and watched a comedy in the evening. Day 728: I worked on the thesis, researched finances, did the laundry, went for a walk and relaxed. --- I have worked on the thesis every day this week and it added up to about 10 hours of work. I'm confident I can finish it completely in the next few days. I'm still researching some quirks of my personal finance. I find it quite entertaining to spend an hour or two doing that. The Spanish girl hasn't been around the past week, as she's gone to travel now that it's allowed again. I can say I miss the intimacy and closeness. Then again it makes me grateful for those moments I spent with her. A normal week, nothing too crazy.

I've found this to be true with my bachelor thesis/finals too. It's human nature to prioritize things that are important to us, no matter the reason. The more things we have going on in our lives, the less likely we are to get obsessed by any single one of them to our detriment. It doesn't mean that the things won't be a bore from time to time, but we have other things to turn to if one of them goes to hell. Diversification is not only a financial concept!

Day 717: I researched finances, worked on my bachelor thesis, had English classes and spent the evening playing desktops. Day 718: I had English classes, did the laundry and spent some time with the Spanish girl. Day 719: I researched finances, worked on my bachelor thesis, had English classes and played desktops in the evening. Day 720: I worked on my bachelor thesis, researched finances and went to the shop and shopped with the Spanish girl. Day 721: I worked on my bachelor thesis, played football, talked to a friend, watched a film and was social in the evening. Day 722: I spent the day with my family, then I cycled and played desktops. --- I think the week was just as busy as the last one, although there are less single-time/closed things to report about. Even though my diary is at this point lead roughly on a weekly basis, I still find reporting what I did during my days based on the activities my Google Calendar useful. Related to that, the Spanish girl voiced her concern that I plan my time a lot, that I externalize my being into the schedule too much and that I later analyze the schedule rather than to analyze myself and my behaviors directly. I haven't really planned my free time for a long time. The haphazardness of my work on certain projects reflects that (mainly with the thesis), as my planner is blank and I write what I did only after I had finished the activity, aside from marking down my English classes, so I know when I work. The point of analyzing my behaviors directly is not a bad one, though I know she was aiming at the inconsistency between my "planner" approach and one recent interpersonal situation by which I got confused, though it got solved in a reasonable matter in the end. I've also come to realize that there are certain situations where I do not know enough and that it's better to swallow my pride and show my ignorance, rather than to go into an argument for no reason. It's been working surprisingly well for me. I think I rather need to figure out why I try to "dodge" things like my thesis. Finance reading/researching is my current passion project and I wish I had half the enthusiasm for the thesis. I think there I need more discipline. Somewhat related to that, she found it extremely odd that I never cry. I think due to my years of emotional repression while gaming, I developed the ability to push through anything no matter what and perhaps slow down a bit when things are not going my way. I rather do things than wallow in my problems, though I remember crying only in extreme situations, e.g. the breakup with my X. I just do not have the urge to cry regularly, simply because I am usually able to maintain detached and take "bad things happening to me" as learning experiences, as I know I acted to the best of my ability and if it didn't work out, then I need to do something differently the next time. I should also work on my monthly report, but thesis gets priority, I need to focus my writing there. --- Gratitude: I'm grateful for good questions.