Ashley K.

This makes total sense. I'm always thinking about what I need/want to do but then I end up thinking about it waaaay too much to the point where Im like, "I don't feel like doing it anymore". This opens up a new perspective for me. Thanks for this!

Day 3: I had a few things to do today, but I decided to ignore them and take my kids outside. It was great, a bit hot but that was okay. I ended up tossing water onto my 5 year old son while we walked, lol. My 5 month old just passed out during the walk. I've been wanting to work on graphic design, photography and drawing. But I know sitting around and just thinking about it won't do anything. Like Gary Vee says "I don't think my ideas are worth shit, Until they're executed"

Day 2: What time I woke up: 7:50AM What time I went to sleep: 3:00AM, Then 5:00AM (My 5 month old son kept crying, poor thing) Its only been two days since I quit. As you all know I'm constantly relapsing and quitting. But I know that as long as I consistently keep coming back. I know what to expect when I feel certain urges coming on. The reason why I went to sleep at 3:00 AM was because I went crazy planning out the next 2 days of what I wanted to do. I'll admit I was excited while I was doing it but I was also scared of not following through. That has always been my problem, is following through on things until the end. My husband knows that I quit because I ended up taking my xbox and putting it into storage and taking my gaming headphones, cutting the wire and tossing them into the garbage. I'll admit, doing that was a bit spontaneous but it felt good. I'm glad I'm not giving up.

You got this! Welcome aboard!

Day 2: Didn't know what to do since I didn't plan out my day until I started thinking about ways I can start making money from home. While I watched my husband play video games, I was listening to him talk to his friend on xbox live about a new update with the game and what he wanted to do and whatnot. I kept thinking back to when I wasted so much money on buying things that I could never touch since it was just pixels. Then I realized how silly I was to do that and then thought about if I played right now, what would I gain? What would I be learning? Absolutely nothing. As always, I would go on, play for a few hours, feel guilty for doing so and then think about how I haven't learned anything beneficial or interesting. I know that I can't get my husband to stop so I just have to worry about myself and my children when it comes down to it.

Day 1: This is hell. It should come easier since I've relapsed, but it hasn't. It feels just as hard as it did numerous times I've tried to stop. I've become sleep deprived because of it. Along with that came forgetfulness and I know that I have really good memory but I can't remember a simple password. It scares me. I keep trying to rationalize and rationalize playing, but there is no getting around it. This is where I must begin.

My last post I saw was back in December. Relapsing is sneaky. It hits you when you least expect it and when it does you either fight it or give in. I gave in. Bought games since then up until today. Had a discussion with my mother a couple of days ago during my gaming binge and told her that my addiction came back. She told me I need to quit because one day Ill wake up and realize my life has completely passed me by and I'll end up neglecting my children completely. So here I am, typing while my new baby boy stares at me cooing and smiling at me. This is going to be tough even though I've gone through this before many times. It just feels like each time I quit it gets harder, not easier.

Likewise

2016 hasn’t really been great except for when I had my son back in November, I was ecstatic. But ever since I relapsed, night after night since then I tried playing. I kept trying even when have been sleep deprived for awhile now. Whenever he sleeps, I play when I should be getting my rest. I kept saying to myself that I can limit the amount of time I can play but I know I can’t. A week ago when it was around 3 AM, my son started to cry because he needed a diaper change. Of course, I got frustrated because I was being interrupted. At first I was pissed off and then realized it was idiotic of me to get mad at a baby for doing something natural to let me know something is wrong. I felt so guilty and stupid for feeling the way I did. I let it go and just continued to play later on. Now on Christmas Eve, I feel like it was the last straw. I played some more while my mother has my son while I was supposed to rest up. I ended up taking the Xbox and moving it into storage because I knew I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing or else I’ll end up making myself sick from sleep deprivation or god knows what else. I don’t want to say that my New Years’ Resolution is to quit gaming for a whole year, amongst other things even though it sounds good. It just seems cliche. But Im not knocking the idea away just yet. A lot of things have to change or else its going to get worse.

Should I make a new post here just to mention that I relapsed? I did relapse, though lol. I had my son on November 10th and I came back home from the hospital on November 13th and I've tried to play while I've been back. It's tough. With the around the clock breastfeeding, lack of sleep and then trying to play when he's asleep it just catches up with me every single time. There are times I have played for a full 2 hours until I start getting sleepy, then I look at my newborn son and start feeling guilty about playing then I just get off and hold him until I fall asleep. A really good friend of mine stopped playing video games. He said he only plays when his girlfriend wants to play, other than that he doesn't play at all. He said they don't feel the same like they used to anymore. So now he goes to the gym, works, goes to class, rides his bike everywhere, reads, basically enjoying life. I told him about my struggles with video game addiction and he said that I should quit also because it's worth it. That life brings more to the table than video games. I told him that I felt like this was a losing battle for me and Im just going to end up playing like I always do, but he believes in me enough that I have the willpower to stop playing. It's nice knowing I have a friend who believes in me also. Besides having the support of everyone here and my husband supporting me also. Right now I'm just trying to take it easy and enjoy one day at a time. We will see what happens in the future. My 5 year old and my newborn son

I think it's funny how quickly I relapsed after coming on here almost a week ago to say that Im back after my relapse and yet I relapsed AGAIN for a week. I honestly believe at this point that I don't have the willpower to quit playing. I've played for so long that it feels like its engrained. I still play for long periods of time, but then when I get upset with whatever game I'm playing, I get off and I don't go back on until a couple of hours later or when my husband gets off the computer. It's literally 3 days before my C-Section and my son has a cold and I still play. This must be the most shittiest thing I can do. Continuing to play while my son has a high fever of 102 and my second son coming soon. If that's not shitty, I don't know what is.

Day 2: Woke up at 12pm. Didn't expect to wake up so late, but it happens I guess. I didn't really feel all that great emotionally since I don't have anything to do today. No matter how hard I'm trying to not be negative. It just comes out when I don't want it to. It's like I have to be negative about things because if I'm positive about anything, I'm just going to be disappointed later on. There are moments where I have been positive about things only for it to end in disaster. So I just feel that its easier to just be negative. I know it's not what everyone wants to hear but if I start being positive now, I feel there is only a matter of time where I'm going to get scared and just become negative again.

Ah. Well the mindset I was in wasn't were I wanted to be completely. Since I was struggling with time management and finding out what I should do with my weekdays.

But wouldn't it be easier for me to just start from day one instead of day 38 or 40 where I left off? Confused, lol.

Day 1: I posted yesterday about my relapse and everyone here and on reddit were very supportive. As you all know, usually when you're a gamer and you play MMOs or MOBAs, you tend to run into toxic players and those players talk trash to you and bring down your morale. Just overall making you a negative person. What's bad is that over the years I've become negative about almost everything. Even things that are positive I turn into a negative sometimes. If I see someone I know succeeding in their life, I make up a reason to shit on them behind their backs because it's not me. Im even negative about myself. I was before in my old journal. Sometimes it feels like I can't see the light of day and everything is dark where nothing will work out for me and only the lucky ones are the ones who get what they want out of life. Funny how gaming that is supposed to be fun, bring positivity and interaction with people all over the world, ends in negativity.

I thought about my two kids and how it will affect them in the long run. How it will look when my newborn baby is crying while I'm playing LoL and I get frustrated. It doesn't look good at all. Every aspect of my life hasn't been enriched by anything. I never started anything and then finished. I don't feel accomplished. It's a truly shitty feeling.

Aannnnnd I told them to delete it. I feel like I'm going to regret this.

and I was playing video games for two weeks straight, until an hour or so ago. I think I'll cry when I tell them to delete it.

I haven't made a decision to delete yet. I never told the admin anything. I'm hesitating

Haha...ahh...I told myself I would never ever be prone to relapsing since I thought that I had my head straight. I guess not. I got sucked back into playing league of legends, black ops 2 and a bunch of other games. I stopped drawing altogether because I felt that what's the point in trying to teach myself to draw when it just takes too long. Becoming an entrepreneur seems far away for me to ever achieve. Trying to balance playing video games with my life seems hopeless so thats why I just relapsed. In 2 weeks my son will be born. I thought about that and how playing video games will affect my interaction with him. Will I forget to feed him? Will I get frustrated when he starts crying and interrupts my gaming session? So many questions that I have on my mind that I just end up putting in the back of my mind because I felt that it won't affect me or him at all. I also stopped planning out my day because there was literally nothing for me to do to fill out my day. I mean, I'm a stay at home mom with a second child on the way, who also lives at home with her parents and husband. What can I do? I don't even have a license, lol. I've lost sleep playing video games. I thought at the time when I relapsed that playing would help me become more creative because it would help me get ideas if I played. Totally and utterly wrong. I have not once thought of anything creative, except for the games I see in front of me that are already have been created. No ideas have come into my head, just nothing. I sent in a ticket to Riot to delete my league of legends account and they gave the option of either deactivating or deleting. I haven't decided yet because I don't know what would happen to me if I ended up deleting my account. All I know is that the progress I made 2 weeks ago at the time is just gone. Now I have to start all over again. I hate this, I hate myself and the negativity I put myself through on a constantly basis. This is just a vicious cycle. Something that the majority of us get ourselves into and can't get out of. I can't think of anyone younger or around my age that doesn't play video games. Except for Cam and the others that are a part of this community at Game Quitters. I'm lost in my own head. (Sorry for the rambling)

DAY 38: Yesterday when I was beating myself up about a lot of things (besides the pregnancy, I can't control my hormones, lol) But I knew I didn't have any faith in myself yesterday. I was out with my mom at home depot, just picking up some stuff. When we got to the cashier, the cashier's name was Faith. I have no idea if it was just coincidence or a sign. You be the judge.

DAY 37: Its been a few days since I last posted. During these days and my pregnancy progressing, I've been getting increasingly more fatigued since I'm close to my due date. Living with my mother and grandmother is hard. It shouldn't be but it is. I've never worked and I've only been on my own once for a few months when I went away to college in North Carolina. I miss the freedom of being on my own but I made the choice to come back to New York and go to school. I don't regret it but I do wish that I could've done something about college or starting my career sooner. I just procrastinated and wallowed in self pity that I didn't want to bother doing anything. Now that it has come to bite me in the ass, its even harder for me to get myself started. Which is why Im always questioning whether or not being an entrepreneur is for me. I've always hated the rat race that people put themselves through only to be miserable and regret it later on. Wishing that they could've left their 9 to 5 job sooner. Trying to find my passion is hard because I'm constantly flip flopping between interests. One day its graphic design, another day its wanting to research marketing to see what its all about, and then another day its copywriting, and then journalism along with wanting to be an editor, or maybe a blogger. There are so many things I would love to be at once but I don't feel like I could ever be any of them. I shouldn't envy the ones who don't have the parental responsibility but, I do. They don't have anything to worry about. Just themselves, friends and family. They can pursue anything their heart is set on doing. I feel like I can't worry about what I want to do with my life because I focus on my kids. Living at home with my parents and being a mom and wife is all I know at this point. Thinking about this on a daily basis hurts all the time, plus being hormonal doesn't help since it escalates the issues I have with myself. All this emotional pain and hating myself everyday takes it toll.

What happens if you find something you think your passionate about, i.e., engineering, but you end up not doing it every single day to become happy and successful, Does that mean you're not really driven to do it because it's your passion and should you try and find out what truly drives you every day to succeed?

I forgot to post yesterday D: I wasn't feeling up to drawing because yet again I was self doubting myself. I'll try again later on today.