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Ashley K.

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Everything posted by Ashley K.

  1. Day 2: Woke up at 12pm. Didn't expect to wake up so late, but it happens I guess. I didn't really feel all that great emotionally since I don't have anything to do today. No matter how hard I'm trying to not be negative. It just comes out when I don't want it to. It's like I have to be negative about things because if I'm positive about anything, I'm just going to be disappointed later on. There are moments where I have been positive about things only for it to end in disaster. So I just feel that its easier to just be negative. I know it's not what everyone wants to hear but if I start being positive now, I feel there is only a matter of time where I'm going to get scared and just become negative again.
  2. Ah. Well the mindset I was in wasn't were I wanted to be completely. Since I was struggling with time management and finding out what I should do with my weekdays.
  3. But wouldn't it be easier for me to just start from day one instead of day 38 or 40 where I left off? Confused, lol.
  4. Day 1: I posted yesterday about my relapse and everyone here and on reddit were very supportive. As you all know, usually when you're a gamer and you play MMOs or MOBAs, you tend to run into toxic players and those players talk trash to you and bring down your morale. Just overall making you a negative person. What's bad is that over the years I've become negative about almost everything. Even things that are positive I turn into a negative sometimes. If I see someone I know succeeding in their life, I make up a reason to shit on them behind their backs because it's not me. Im even negative about myself. I was before in my old journal. Sometimes it feels like I can't see the light of day and everything is dark where nothing will work out for me and only the lucky ones are the ones who get what they want out of life. Funny how gaming that is supposed to be fun, bring positivity and interaction with people all over the world, ends in negativity.
  5. I thought about my two kids and how it will affect them in the long run. How it will look when my newborn baby is crying while I'm playing LoL and I get frustrated. It doesn't look good at all. Every aspect of my life hasn't been enriched by anything. I never started anything and then finished. I don't feel accomplished. It's a truly shitty feeling.
  6. Aannnnnd I told them to delete it. I feel like I'm going to regret this.
  7. and I was playing video games for two weeks straight, until an hour or so ago. I think I'll cry when I tell them to delete it.
  8. I haven't made a decision to delete yet. I never told the admin anything. I'm hesitating
  9. Ashley K.

    Ahhh Relapse

    Haha...ahh...I told myself I would never ever be prone to relapsing since I thought that I had my head straight. I guess not. I got sucked back into playing league of legends, black ops 2 and a bunch of other games. I stopped drawing altogether because I felt that what's the point in trying to teach myself to draw when it just takes too long. Becoming an entrepreneur seems far away for me to ever achieve. Trying to balance playing video games with my life seems hopeless so thats why I just relapsed. In 2 weeks my son will be born. I thought about that and how playing video games will affect my interaction with him. Will I forget to feed him? Will I get frustrated when he starts crying and interrupts my gaming session? So many questions that I have on my mind that I just end up putting in the back of my mind because I felt that it won't affect me or him at all. I also stopped planning out my day because there was literally nothing for me to do to fill out my day. I mean, I'm a stay at home mom with a second child on the way, who also lives at home with her parents and husband. What can I do? I don't even have a license, lol. I've lost sleep playing video games. I thought at the time when I relapsed that playing would help me become more creative because it would help me get ideas if I played. Totally and utterly wrong. I have not once thought of anything creative, except for the games I see in front of me that are already have been created. No ideas have come into my head, just nothing. I sent in a ticket to Riot to delete my league of legends account and they gave the option of either deactivating or deleting. I haven't decided yet because I don't know what would happen to me if I ended up deleting my account. All I know is that the progress I made 2 weeks ago at the time is just gone. Now I have to start all over again. I hate this, I hate myself and the negativity I put myself through on a constantly basis. This is just a vicious cycle. Something that the majority of us get ourselves into and can't get out of. I can't think of anyone younger or around my age that doesn't play video games. Except for Cam and the others that are a part of this community at Game Quitters. I'm lost in my own head. (Sorry for the rambling)
  10. DAY 38: Yesterday when I was beating myself up about a lot of things (besides the pregnancy, I can't control my hormones, lol) But I knew I didn't have any faith in myself yesterday. I was out with my mom at home depot, just picking up some stuff. When we got to the cashier, the cashier's name was Faith. I have no idea if it was just coincidence or a sign. You be the judge.
  11. DAY 37: Its been a few days since I last posted. During these days and my pregnancy progressing, I've been getting increasingly more fatigued since I'm close to my due date. Living with my mother and grandmother is hard. It shouldn't be but it is. I've never worked and I've only been on my own once for a few months when I went away to college in North Carolina. I miss the freedom of being on my own but I made the choice to come back to New York and go to school. I don't regret it but I do wish that I could've done something about college or starting my career sooner. I just procrastinated and wallowed in self pity that I didn't want to bother doing anything. Now that it has come to bite me in the ass, its even harder for me to get myself started. Which is why Im always questioning whether or not being an entrepreneur is for me. I've always hated the rat race that people put themselves through only to be miserable and regret it later on. Wishing that they could've left their 9 to 5 job sooner. Trying to find my passion is hard because I'm constantly flip flopping between interests. One day its graphic design, another day its wanting to research marketing to see what its all about, and then another day its copywriting, and then journalism along with wanting to be an editor, or maybe a blogger. There are so many things I would love to be at once but I don't feel like I could ever be any of them. I shouldn't envy the ones who don't have the parental responsibility but, I do. They don't have anything to worry about. Just themselves, friends and family. They can pursue anything their heart is set on doing. I feel like I can't worry about what I want to do with my life because I focus on my kids. Living at home with my parents and being a mom and wife is all I know at this point. Thinking about this on a daily basis hurts all the time, plus being hormonal doesn't help since it escalates the issues I have with myself. All this emotional pain and hating myself everyday takes it toll.
  12. What happens if you find something you think your passionate about, i.e., engineering, but you end up not doing it every single day to become happy and successful, Does that mean you're not really driven to do it because it's your passion and should you try and find out what truly drives you every day to succeed?
  13. I forgot to post yesterday D: I wasn't feeling up to drawing because yet again I was self doubting myself. I'll try again later on today.
  14. I'm gonna watch this again since I'm subbed to him. My husband watches his videos
  15. DAY 33: Started watching Gary V recently and at the moment I was watching one of his vids, Propeller Fest Keynote 2016 and it made me think about regret. Of course everyone has regret I mean who doesn't? But while I was watching it and at one point when he was using an example of an old man who is middle classed and didn't go for it, he has a lot of pain because of it. Thinking about things that I want to do with my life made me really scared. Scared of not going for it now and regretting it later. That really is terrifying. I never used to think that it was such a big deal not going for things you want in life because my mindset was "Why bother going for it? You're not going to get it anyway" But how are you going to know that you may not get what you want if you don't take the first step. But yes, Im truly truly terrified about not moving forward, being happy and successful.
  16. I didn't do a lot of sketching while I was gone. Just a few doodles. Im not really proud of how they look since I didn't put enough effort into it. But thats ok since this is a process.
  17. For a long time I've always wanted to start my own graphic design company. I started to think about why I wanted to do it and my mind drew a blank. I didn't have a purpose to start the company or what the company would mean. So right now besides drawing, I'm also trying to figure out what kind of company I should try and start. Anyone else feel the same way?
  18. I'm going to be sketching in my sketchbook since I won't have my tablet with me. It gives me a chance to practice drawing traditionally.
  19. You have a husband and a kid. You wanted to quit playing games and you quit for over a month now. You strike me as a very motivated person. When are you expecting your second kid? In November
  20. DAY 32: I sketched a bit on the tablet a couple of hours ago. It was a struggle since Im a beginner. I have a couple of reference sketches I did on Autodesk Sketchbook. I traced over the hands so I can get an idea of how to draw them in different poses. At one point I would turn off the layer with the hand reference so I could see if I could try and do it from memory. It almost came out accurate.
  21. DAY 30: I can't believe it's been a month already since I quit. Its been a struggle for me since I've never really stuck with something for this long that wasn't gaming. Im still struggling at the moment to do what I want to do. I feel like it has gotten easier to not be triggered by video games, but I can't seem to get myself to draw. I think its the work that I have to put into actually physically picking up a pencil and paper and just drawing whatever. I get discouraged by other people's artwork that I see. I would say to myself "Why do it? I would love to make money off of what I love to do and enjoy it but, Why? There are already talented artists out there. What difference will I make?". So yes, I struggle with taking action. I'm sorry to anyone who is probably getting frustrated reading my posts and Im not trying to take action to do anything.
  22. DAY 27: The responses I got yesterday after what I was feeling was uplifting. Thanks everyone. I also read this article last night that helped also. Im reading it again to remind me why I should push through and just do it. http://elitedaily.com/envision/want-to-be-an-artist-heres-why-you-should-forget-about-art-school/
  23. DAY 26: I was so pessimistic yesterday. I still am today. I kept watching tutorials and speed drawings on YouTube only to get upset when I found out it's going to take 3-5 years, probably more to draw at a professional level. I'm feeling like learning at this point is just too late for me. I should've kept drawing when I was in high school. I should've done and finished a lot of things in high school but there's not much I can do now. I'm a broke, married, 27 year old mom of one and soon two kids, I live at home with my mom and grandmother, I never really worked anywhere, failed at college(s) at least 5 or 6 times, IN DIFFERENT COLLEGES. I went away to college, I fucked it up and had to come back home. Went to a community college. I just stopped going. Went to college online several times, I fucked it up every...single...time. So at this point most people would just see me as a loser if I told them everything. I'm starting to believe it.
  24. DAY 25: When I woke up this morning, I watched one of Cam's videos. The one I watched was "Go for it!. It reminded me of when I was in my junior or senior year of high school where I really really loved art and I wanted to major in it when I went to college. My mom was all for it and knew that it was something I loved and that you could go far in it because there are so many jobs that you can get with an art major. At the time I wanted to restore paintings that you see in art museums or be a curator. Since my grandmother lived with us also and I told her about it, she didn't like the idea because she felt that majoring in art was silly and that I was going to be a starving artist and I just needed to forget about it because she wasn't going to help me if I did and I needed to major in something else like business. She was extremely adamant about it to the point where my dream was crushed. Something else that had also happened recently. Well yesterday, I was talking to my husband about work and how he needed to get a job because the baby is coming and we needed the money. He brought up some valid points about times where I was capable of working but didn't bother to find a job. But one thing he mentioned was I could've worked at a fast food place. When he said that I told him you make little to no money after all your taxes are taken out. He said at least it was something. He said he takes jobs that he hates doing but does it because it's money. He said that I shouldn't be looking for jobs that pay a lot because there isn't even a guarantee of me getting it. This was something I didn't agree with because I felt like I was being told I couldn't do something. He probably thinks differently since its life and that's how it is. You take what you can get. I never agreed with anything like that. Taking what you can get. I feel like that mindset will never get me to where I want if I just take what I can get. When I know I can get more out of life that what it gives me.
  25. DAY 24: 1:45AM. Reading replies from WorkInProgress, Thanks btw for replying . Made me realize that a big part of this detox for me and whoever else is the mental barriers we place on ourselves. I know most of your already know this but I never really bothered to think that I had any kind of mental barriers because all I would do is say "I can't do it, what's the point? I'm just going to give up". It really is hard to step outside of your comfort zone and do things you don't normally do or things you've always wanted to do, so when you start doing it and it doesn't work out, you immediately want to give up. Right at this moment, I'm trying to get rid of those mental barriers I've place on myself. It's not easy, But what is?