LordFederickRamsay

Well done on completing a full week game free! Yeah same, don't feel like writing much at the moment. Just remember to always check in! Don't want you to disappear on us.

Be careful with med's Zoe! I know it's deeply personal and they help so much with some people and not with others, but I still feel obliged to say be very careful! I think this is fine - the bit at the end where you say it's alright to come and vent here. Venting here is just so enjoyable and I believe positive! Sure! Definitely up for a chat. Although we could talk about it here? I think that'd be best. I find Discord sort of triggers my urges to game because I used to use it while I played Fortnite. Also, on your first post (I've confusingly replied to the second paragraph first) I do exactly that and it's fine! If you look at my journal entries you'll notice I write 'Update:' or 'Note:' - remember your journal is for you, so you can do it however much you wish. I would warn against expecting responses to the updates and notes though as I've been doing that since I begun and don't expect anyone to reply to those bits which I think is prudent. What I do is just write whatever's on my mind in the moment and then if I have a thought or note I want to update my journal with later on I just do that and it feels like then your journal entry is fully representative of your experience for that day instead of reading it back at a later date and feeling like there's stuff you missed out. Well done on getting to 5 days. The beginning is the hardest in terms of cravings. I'm only on 14 days but I barely feel (as you know) a desire to play (at the moment anyway - I'm sure they'll come back when faced with something stressful and unpleasant!

Thanks Zoe. I think that's a good idea. Again, whatever suits you. I have always been sceptical of having goals. I'm not sure why. I can see why having goals would appeal to ex-gamer's because they are always trying to achieve a goal within the game (maybe for MMORPGs but then again, the same is sort of true if you're playing a game competitively like Fortnite, you're trying to achieve the goal of qualifying for a finals). I guess for me goals are a bit spiritless or souless to me. But I really haven't thought a lot on my intuitive aversion to setting myself goals so!

Do you think you'd be working with people around your age at the food service job? Could be fun! Good luck with the interview. In my experience, practicing works best. Do role-play with someone (your mum maybe?) That's who I do mine with. Or my brother. And after a few goes with a few breaks in between, you'll be feeling pretty confident I think.

Nice work.

This made me lol. Couldn't agree more with the above post @BooksandTrees

I actually meant gamer's are easily distracted so you'll manage 4 minutes. I'm not sure I was always focused when I gamed. More like a space between inattention and attention. I feel this so much. I'm so anxious as well, and without gaming, it all comes to the fore. My cravings have lessened but it's taken twelve hard days.

Have you ever tried mindfulness before? Disclaimer: I'm terrible at mindfulness 😅 but I try my best which is all we can do at the end of the day. But it has brought me some moments of enjoyment and connection recently. It's not the be and end all but it has helped a lot. If you're interested in checking it out, I'd recommend Headspace as that's the app I use. Or even just reading up about mindfulness. On the Headspace app, they have a Basics I course - each meditation is like 4 minutes long so it's achievable for us gamer's with little patience! (Not sure if this is fair to apply to gamer's but definitely to me!)

What appeals to you about gaming?

Maybe a career in politics? The dems need you! Also, you should check out Current Affairs if you haven't already. I feel like you would enjoy reading their articles. Type any topic up in their search bar and they'll probably have written an article about it. They also have an article archive that you can browse.

Glad to see you came back.

He might have an underlying mental health condition that gaming provides respite from? Just an idea.

What I found is the same thing. TikTok satisfies the urge that usually makes me game. So substituting one thing (gaming) for another (social media) isn't constructive. You can sort of detect which things make you feel bad and what thing's make you feel good. In other words, when I go on TikTok, I kind of know this is the same emotional experience that I have when gaming in that I'm instantly gratified and then feel shit when I stop doing that thing. Then after you get all of this instantly gratifying shit out of your life, and don't fill your time with good things, comes the next phase which is like watching re-runs of shows, watching YouTube videos - where you're less attentive and more aware of the negative feelings whereas when you game those negative feelings are shelved. In other words, you want to avoid this in its entirety. Reduce all the things that leave you feeling shit and double-down on the things that make you feel better. For example, I will try to avoid watching re-runs of Game of Thrones episodes I've already seen (which is SORT OF like a tenth of the feeling gaming gives me) and try and do a chore or something that I know will be worth my time which then is reflected in how it affects my mood. If that makes sense. P.S: Looking forward to you starting your daily journal. This will be the third and final journal I commit to keeping up with (Cam recommends choosing three journals to respond to).

I found the prompts discouraged me from updating my daily journal. I know this isn't the case for most people but I've really enjoyed using this part of the forum to just do stream-of-consciousness writing which is great. If you're struggling to keep up with your daily journal, I'd recommend this. I can also sense (correct me if I'm wrong) you were put off by the inactivity / no responses to your posts. In some ways this (for me) is actually appealing because I write about such intimate things in my journal and no-one except @jailbreaker. reads them (occasionally). I found the prompts intimidating and off putting (at least in my current state of mind). You don't need any prescriptive goals that might make you feel bad for not achieving. I'm also doing Respawn Elite and on this forum, under daily journals, Cam says to (it might be on Respawn Elite or this forum - I can't remember) keep up with three journals. You're my second journal I'm going to keep up with if you come back! Currently, I'm updating my own daily journal, and responding to jailbreaker's daily journal. Remember if you've gamed since the 25th April, it doesn't matter. You can restart your 90 day detox and I'll check your journal daily. I usually commit to an hour of my time to this forum but I always spend more than that...! Also, I'm on day 7 of my 90 day detox so if you start now we'll be roughly at the same stages of quitting which would be helpful. George

'I want to take ownership of this journey, not agree to being helpless against it. Not sure that makes sense.' - Very insightful and definitely makes sense (at least to me). Boredom is killer. I think you will find that most people on this forum can relate to intense feelings of boredom that influence what they do with their free time, and that trigger urges to game in a profound and impactful way. 'To not have this pit in my stomach' That resonates with me. Definitely. Can't explain totally why. Don't feel guilty for quitting Online Gamers anonymous. They sound annoying lol. Game Quitter's is great because of its diversity in personalities. You'll find someone you connect with here, for sure. Meaning like if you read their journals or introduction posts, (journals are better because then you're keeping up with each other) you'll spot articulations of their experience that matches you're own. Will reply to your journal now.

Hey, Sorry to hear about your experiences with gaming. Attempting to quit gaming and YouTube for 365 days is admirable but I'd probably recommend doing the 90 day detox which is a staple of Cam's approach to helping people who struggle with gaming addiction / an unhealthy relationship / co-dependency with games. It's clearly a crutch for you, like it is for me and so many others. And an unhealthy one at that. I strongly relate to treating YouTube like a game. I've been on this forum before, and I've quit games before, always fill that void with YouTube videos of influencers or gaming content that is trying to satisfy that urge that game satisfies so well. I'm on my 7th day of the 90 day detox. Here's what I'd recommend - others might be different: - Invest in Respawn Elite ($47) and follow the program. - Follow the instructions to a tee. Don't skip over anything. If it takes you time to complete an instruction that's fine. Once you've completed the instruction, resume the course. Not to spoil it for you but the first actionable instructions are to introduce yourself here (well done!), start a daily journal and start your 90-day-detox. He also (I'm sure he'd prefer you to buy the program because it's a lot more substantial than what I'm saying as I'm only on module 2) would instruct you to make it harder for yourself to game because it's so easy to access games in our day and age. This has been really hard for my personally. I spent £2700 on my dream gaming set up for playing Fortnite and have now taken steps to selling it on eBay and Facebook marketplace. I'm very surprised I haven't started gaming again and disregarded Cam's instructions. So an overview of some steps you can take to reclaiming your life and removing the influence and control games have over it: - Buy Respawn Elite. - Introduce yourself here (tick!) - Start a daily journal and post in it everyday. Consistency is key. - Start a 90-day detox and use the journal to record how this change is affecting you. - Sell your gaming setup (recommended course of action - I understand you might want to play again so I can see you not wanting to do this) or (also recommended but not as recommended as selling) hiding your set up away or letting a friend borrow it - or any thing that isn't selling it but that makes accessing games harder than it currently is for you. Hope this helps! George

Haven't finished yet but just wanted to say you're a really good writer. Very engaging. Also M sounds like a lovely lady. 'Grief is another form of love.' That's a really nice way of thinking about it.

I like the comparison between your unhealthy relationship in high school and your unhealthy relationship with gaming. It IS like a break up! And it IS unhealthy which makes it harder? Or you probably wouldn't need to break up with something if it was healthy... Haha - at the end there it felt like you were giving a second contribution to my journal instead of writing a diary entry of your own! And yes, I do relate. I do get overexcited (a mixture of anxiety, excitement, anticipation, guilt, risk-taking) and sometimes...this is hard to explain...feel like I've...I explain it in the paragraph below. Maybe you can relate. I can't tell you how many times I've thought myself into different perspectives. It's like I have different selves and they're always contrived and unconstructive. In other words, I've remained in the same place regardless of the thinking I've done over the last ten years. I don't feel mental progression, just contrived states of mind that superficially indicate there's been a change. This is why I want to remain steadfast in my commitment to quit games, move out, go on some dates, commit to a course, meet new people and make new friends...! I will strive to invoke my 'wise' mind and not become unbalanced. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

Hey, I'd strongly recommend the 90 day detox. I'm on day 5 but I'm pretty sure it's what all the more experienced Game Quitters would recommend too after reading your introduction post. Try not to say 'I can't'. Instead, say 'I can'! Puedo dejar! (correct me if im wrong, I got that off google translate) - I think that translates into 'I can to quit' so I'd need to conjugate dejar verb to -ar ending which would be... Puedo deja! durante noventa dias! Also @jailbreaker.speaks Spanish. Maybe he can communicate with you better than others

I decided to just reply to your most recent posts instead of trying to catch up because you (we) do write quite a lot 😅 - I got a feel for what you've been through though and after replying to your most recent journal entry, I aim to catch up on your other posts. Going to that mental healthy facility (the one before the psych ward - trying to remember) sounded so terrifying! And I really related to you worrying if you were a creep or not although I probably wouldn't have actually asked haha. Or maybe I would've. Maybe not anymore. In relation to getting a job: I've worked in a pub for three months. It hasn't been easy because it's intensely social but it gets me out of the house and forces me to socialise with people so! Maybe it'll be good for ya to do just that. You sound more socially apt than me. I too think getting out the house is essential for us ex-gamers. Yesterday, I was so depressed all day even though I was doing some chores / activities that I know I enjoy. Then my friend (thanks to them) forced me to come out and I did and I felt so much better for it. I got on an electric bike and whizzed through my local town and it honestly washed the depressive feelings away (okay...not totally but still!) You're doing well. Apologies for asking a question that might've been answered in one of your earlier journal posts but: have you finished Fire Emblem now? And if you have, have you started your 90 day detox? Have you sold your switch? I just listed my gaming PC on eBay and Facebook Marketplace. It hurts I can't lie! Doubt and uncertainty are close friends of mine. But yeah, excited for you to start your 90 day detox and sell your console so we can do it together! George

Hi jailbreaker, I've started reading your journal from the beginning so I'll be trying to answer some of your questions that you asked a few weeks ago. I will read the entirety of your journal eventually (I commit 1 hour a day to doing Game Quitter's related stuff) but will only list the days that warrant a response from me (stuff I think I might be able to help with / make a valuable contribution about) but don't think I haven't read the other days because I have! Also, instead of posting a new post every day I will update this post. For example, see below, I have noted the date in which I've reviewed your journal. Further down, I've written the date for the next day (today) for reviewing your journal and so forth. April 30th (30/04/2023) April 16th Side note 1: Do y'all think DnD counts as a video game? I do it online with my friends, but it's almost all just theater of the mind anyway. - There are things that don't count as games but are triggering for me. I've been watching Vinland Saga which is an anime about the viking conquest of Britain in the 11th century and in some ways, the animation is similar to Fortnite and the feeling I get from watching it is a lot less strong than the feelings I get from playing Fortnite but the same type? If that makes sense. I know Duolingo is sort of like a videogame, but it's the best free resource I have right now for learning Spanish. I'll replace it with Olly Richards's StoryLearning once I've got a job and can pay for it. Then, eventually, I'll go back to college and take a Spanish class there when it fits into my schedule. - I'm learning Russian and French using Babbel although I mostly focus on French. This is something new I've picked up recently. I would say the difference between Babbel and Duolingo for me is that Duolingo leaves me with that feeling I'd get after I've gamed which is a feeling that although I enjoyed doing it in the moment, I feel like I haven't done anything productive/have nothing to show for the time I put in? A bit like when you spend a few hours on TikTok and it's great but then you stop and you're hit with these negative feelings like you've just wasted loads of time. Duolingo kind've gives me this feeling because although it measures your progress, I feel like you miss a lot unless you get out your notebook and start treating it like a school lesson (which is what I do with Babbel). If you wanted to try that, I'd suggest doing that using Babbel. Also, Duolingo's user experience is very video game like whereas Babbel's is not. It's satisfying and colourful like Fortnite (for me) and so that's just another similarity between that and what we think of as computer games. As I said earlier, I'm gonna delete all of my save data and archive every digital game on it. After that, I'm gonna clean it and then hide it away in a sealed box for 90 days, so that I'll just forget about it and not feel tempted to redownload those games. During that time, I'll find a job and get working so that I'll have something to do and some money in the bank. I'll also work on figuring out how to get back to college, at least part-time. After I hit 90 days, when my cravings are definitely gone, I'm gonna try to sell the Switch to one of my friends for cheap. I'll be leaving my profile and the restore data for the digital games on there for them to redownload so they don't have to pay for the games. Gonna change my account password to whatever they want it to be so they'll remember it. (I trust that my friends wouldn't buy new games using my account. They'll be getting a hell of a deal, so they better not lmao) And they can just edit the profile to make it their own if they want. - this sounds great but why not selling your switch now when you have cravings instead of not selling it whilst you have cravings? It seems more logical to sell it ASAP - or did you want to not touch it for 90 days and then do stuff to it to prepare it to be sold? 19th April Another day, another bout of daydreaming about having a pet tortoise. - Haha, love this! You're making me want to get one. Wow. This was a really impactful journal post. I'm so sorry to hear about your cat's death and how it affected you. I have two very old cats that I'm going to miss very much when they die. It sounded like a really hard experience to go through. Furthermore, I've said really cutting and mean things to my mum as well. I will read that article your mum sent to you when I can because I think you're right, gaming excessively reduces our empathy. In addition, what stood out to me was that you said you and your mum are going to help each other to cut out each other's bad habits. My mum also has a drinking problem. Maybe your post has inspired me to talk to her about my addiction more openly so that she feels inspired to reduce her drinking. 20th April One more thing: Please try not to imagine as you read this that you're hearing a crusty old white man in a blue polo shirt and khakis try his best to karaoke-rap with a 90's hip-hop beat in the background to other crusty old white men sitting in foldable chairs at Richard's 60th birthday party (the big 6-0!). Ha now you can't stop imagining that, can you? Mwahahaha >:) (jk when i make a tune to go with it, find it on spotify to hear what it really sounds like.) - this made me laugh so much. Also loving the brand of politics! I think it's a rare brand of politics to find among gamer's and I appreciate it. I too am of the leftist persuasion! Okay, I've reached the end of my daily hour I commit to doing Game Quitter's. I got up to the analysis of your rap song. I'll read it tomorrow and tell you what I think. The song itself was hella rhymy haha! I'll listen to it on spotify. 01/05/2023: 20th April (CONTINUED) I mean to use this as a command, kind of like, "go and learn for yourself what foul corruption lies beneath the surface of your daily experience" --> this is great. Ladies and gentlemen and esteemed they/thems, I present to you: thirst traps. But that's for another time. Back to my lyrics lmao --> This made me laugh haha A little ping on our phones, for instance: "breaking news." -> Love this. Note: I kept getting distracted today. I was listening to Billy Joel's We Didn't Start The Fire and it's really taken control over me.

Hi jailbreaker, This is one of three journals I'm going to follow. I'm committing one hour a day to Game Quitters, first comes posting in my daily journal, then I will come here and read and reply to your journal posts, then I will be preparing to sell my gaming PC, and then it's back to Respawn Elite to finish off Module 2. George

Hello, My name is George and I've used this forum in the past. I bought Respawn and am following Cam's instructions. I'd like to think of this as starting over. If I could, I'd delete this account and make a new one because I didn't like how I behaved on this forum in the past. In other words, I felt like my contributions lacked consistency and in some cases, I was even a bit rude to other users. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself about it (it wasn't that extreme) but I'd like to at least acknowledge it! I doubt anyone will know what I'm talking about but just for my sake, this is how I wanted to start my introduction. If I could, I would change my username but if I remember correctly, this isn't possible. So yeah, I'd like to be referred to as George if possible! That's my name. My name is George. I'm 23 and I live in Wimbledon, London. I'm the youngest of five, and was introduced to the PS2 when I was very young. We used to play as a family and it was quite fun. I remember playing Freedom Fighters, Dynasty Warriors 3: Xtreme Legends. Actually now that I'm remembering, I also played on the PS1. I think there was a game called Toy Soldiers which was really fun. I have quite strong memories of playing these games so clearly they were making an impression on me. I remember in Dynasty Warriors 3, you had to research what boss you had to kill and on what difficulty setting to get the next level of weapon for your specific character. I remember enjoying this a lot and being the first in my family to get the 6th and final weapon for the character I played with. This imbued me with a sense of achievement. I also have memories of playing Old School Runescape (OSRS), and thinking about it all the time. I was really young when I played this but again, we played it as a family. My second oldest brother (my eldest brother didn't participate) was the highest level and had the best gear. Then came my third oldest brother and then my sister and then me! I think I was a higher combat level than my sister and third oldest brother but I didn't like doing the quests because I found them hard and boring so I sacrificed having certain privileges like wearing a Rune breastplate. This shows that I was taken with the instant gratification of the game and just mined it for that feeling. Then my third eldest brother introduced me to Mount and Blade which he enjoyed. I didn't care too much for it. But then he introduced me to Mount and Blade: Warband that was multiplayer. The game is very moddable and someone called Vornne created a module called Persistent World. I got hooked immediately. And so did some friends at school. It really wasn't like anything else I had encountered but that's not saying too much because I'm not immensely knowledgeable about games for someone whose played as much as I have. I spent thousands of hours playing this module. It's basically where you have to abide by a set of rules and if you don't, you get banned. My friend Ben (high achieving, is now a junior doctor) really took to the mod as well. We played a lot together and I created a number of clans. In 2013, I was made aware of the competitive area of the game. I was immediately attracted to playing competitively because I was always considered quite good for those who played PW (Persistent World - the roleplay mod that was very popular). I didn't realise this didn't mean much and that there was a very extensive competitive history. I already lacked self-esteem at this point. I've always been quite reactive. I've always struggled with intrusive thoughts, feelings, doubts, images etc. And I didn't know how to manage these when I was younger so gaming became a crutch. I also found school hard but I was considered smart (I think). I definitely wasn't considered that smart by my dad at the time because my brothers were very high-achieving. They all went to a very academic school in Wimbledon that I didn't get into. I remember overhearing my dad say that I was never smart enough to get in to this school even though I had been encouraged to do the entrance exam. Or I think I might've persisted that I do the entrance exam because I felt an unspoken pressure to apply. I didn't get in. I got into a few other good schools and I ended up going to a boys and girls school that was less academic and better suited to me. At first, I performed well and the same thing was always said about me in reports: George is smart but if he would concentrate more he could do really well. At this time, I was playing Mount and Blade: Warband. I was still playing PW but I became involved in the competitive community. It was not great. I think I was too young, lacked too much self-esteem and was too insecure to function in that environment and perform well competitively. I remember feeling rejected by the best and most reputable players in the community. This didn't bode well for my self-esteem. It was almost like I had been rejected in real life and now I was being rejected in the game too. I was young, immature and reactive. I would be rude to other members of the community. I remember writing something really mean to this one guy called Bauglir. I found it exhilarating writing the post. It was a mixture of anticipation for their response, how much my words would affect them, feeling guilty whilst doing it...exciting. But it always left me feeling worse afterwards like I was pursuing some sort of high that had a crashing effect at the end. Impulsive is what I think it was. I remember I would always be embarrassed that I had posted such a thing, and the person I always targeted was someone respected within the community and who would routinely make me look like the fool. Some of them were people I wanted respect from but who didn't give it so this can be seen as an unhealthy way of processing that feeling of rejection or indifference. I founded some competitive clans in Warband that were always middle-of-the-road, maybe even a little worse than that. I was always the leader or commander and I enjoyed this role. I would get people to listen to me but I never valued this as I was so hard on myself about my lack of understanding for the tactics you needed to command well. In other words, I felt like I presented as someone who knew what they were doing but on the inside, had no clue what they were doing. I never really tried hard enough to understand the tactics of the game and I always found it uncomfortable to command and play at the same time. I played Warband competitively for a very long time. In total I had over 7000-8000 hours in Mount and Blade: Warband. I don't think that's an exaggeration because I used to play on my brother's steam account that wracked up 4K hours, my own steam account that had like 4k, and various others that I used to circumvent bans. The most fun I had was probably when I played the Persistent World with my IRL friends. But as time went by, they stopped playing and I continued with people I had met online. All throughout this time, my grades at school got really bad. I was so uninterested in school. I felt really behind and I hid from that feeling by playing computer games. It grew worse and worse. I barely got into my 6th form. My dad tried to install Norton security to stop me from playing too long and focus on schoolwork but this lead to really bad arguments. I remember one time crying and screaming and I was quite old at this point (14 or so). My dad was pretty strong about my gaming habit and it obviously didn't bode well. I used to beg him to play extra. I developed a visceral hatred for Norton security. Whenever I see it now, my heart skips a beat. It was used to manage my playing time but this resulted in me trying to find ways around it, getting upset, and feeling really resentful of my dad and myself. When I was studying for my GCSEs, my parents bought me a small macbook. I told them I would use it for studying. But I secretly downloaded LOTRO (Lord Of The Rings: Online) and spent hours at night playing it with my friend Ben. When he would go off, I would continue on my own. I had developed a complete indifference to revision and schoolwork and my exams. They required so much effort. Playing computer games was consuming and fun. Also, I forgot that when I was 9 or 10, my parents bought me Lord Of The Rings: Online (LOTRO). I got hooked for sure but like with OSRS I didn't care for the bits of the game I found hard and so even though I was a high level, I didn't have access to stuff I definitely should have had access to/understood like 'traits', the understanding of which still eludes me to this day. Although I was very young when I played these games (OSRS and LOTRO). I used to get really upset when my parents unplugged my computer when I was playing LOTRO. You'd have to spend hours getting together a fellowship to complete a certain quest to get some special item and they always seemed to want to turn off the computer at the worst times. So inevitably, this got me upset where I would be begging my dad not to turn it off but he would. I definitely, from early on, writing and thinking about it now, showed a vulnerability to computer game addiction. LOTRO I played with my brother and sister but they lost interest and then it was just me. I spent most of my school years feeling so shit about myself, I felt like all my piers and teachers at school judged me (they did - I won the award at the end of school for the most likely to be living with his parents until 30) - I was so behind and I felt like it was too late to make a change. I felt like my GCSE result sealed my fate. Were evidence of my mediocrity, stupidity...validated all the worst opinions I held about myself, my potential and my intelligence. After my GCSEs, I lost all hope for retribution. My GCSE results were a watershed moment. I was naughty at school, acting out, doing anything to get a laugh. I prided myself on getting in trouble with the scariest teachers. Always seeking the validation of people I perceived to be worthy. At school, I was so unhappy. Lessons and interactions reinforced the beliefs I had developed about myself. That I was stupid, dull, shallow, a joke, insubstantial. I got bullied a bit in lower 6th (penultimate year to finishing school) which reinforced these beliefs tenfold as you always think somethings wrong with you and not the bully. And was spoken down to by some teachers, people in my year, and people in the year below me. After I graduated from school, I took a gap year. I did a film course that I enjoyed but was only two months. I met a girl there and we had a thing. But I then had this belief that I wanted to be a streamer. But to understand this, we need to go back to the beginning of my gap year when my friend from school who I hadn't really played with before (he liked shooters like CS:GO, COD) introduced me to Fortnite. I played with him and his friend from outside of school and it was so fun. I was a bit unsure at first but the game grew on me. We started playing more often together and his friend stopped playing. We started playing 16 hours a day for 2 months. Maybe a bit less, like 14 hours but it was so much. We got really good and this was the beginning of the end for me. Beginning of the End: Fortnite. A game that has left me with the biggest cravings out of any game I've played. Fortnite is akin to a drug for me! I could think about it for hours. I get triggered so easily and it leads me to playing it. Me and my friend Jet, got really good at the game. I was talented by lacked the emotional security to play competitively. We played wagers, and public matches (back when the only thing you could play was public matches). We would get up, message each other, get on, and play for 14 hours. I remember us giggling with excitement and comfort because even though we weren't together, it was just such a little cove of comfort and fun. He was able to not let gaming affect other areas of his life, at least not to the extent that I let it affect other areas of my life. My interest in other things is greatly reduced when I game. All I do is think about the game and play the game. But man...Fortnite hit different. It is so addictive. I realised that after my gap year, when I went to university, if there was any hope of getting a degree, I needed to stop. So I found Game Quitter's and that's the time that my introduction refers to. My mum bought me a gaming laptop for university but after playing on it, I realised I needed to get away from it so left it at home after I had come back for holidays or reading week. My participation and grades got better but I still felt that gaping hole that Cam talks about. I'm doing Respawn Elite now. I didn't do this before. I just posted an introduction, a journal and replied to other forum users but I'm going to really go that extra mile now. With J (the friend who introduced me to Fortnite), I was introduced to his gamer friends. Competitive CS:GO players. They did not take to me. Especially one. Let's call him A. He was pretty nasty. It always left me feeling shaky when having an argument with someone online because the content of the argument is always so extreme. I didn't know A personally. He didn't know me personally. So our insults are even more personal and nasty and cruel and yeah, it was an experience I won't forget and would like to avoid. So with them, I played CS:GO, PUB G but J and I always returned to Fortnite. Finally J watched some videos of Healthygamergg and decided to move on with his life. He's doing well. I think privately he admitted to himself he might have a bit of an unhealthy relationship with gaming. He abhorred the idea of gaming addiction and always got defensive when I brought it up. We've never really spoken about it explicitly but he sent me a video series by Healthygamergg on YouTube which I watched. But like I said before, I don't think it affected him to the extent it's affected me. Or at least I feel like my psychological struggles have been a bit more pronounced. This is hard to explain but there's a part of me that thinks I've never wanted to play computer games, that even when I was playing with them, I had this feeling in my body that was one of 'What am I doing? I don't want to do this.' In other words, the difference between me and J, between an unhealthy gamer and healthy gamer, is that the unhealthy gamer doesn't want to play deep down? I know that's hard to believe but I like that as a theory of what's going on. Which might explain why I never succeeded competitively. Gaming made me feel terrible about myself. Be competitively successful, you have to feel good about yourself. That's a prerequisite. In other words, I've been doing something I don't want to be doing deep down. Do I hate gaming? Anyway, this is a bit theoretical. After I became hooked on Fortnite, I forgot about all other games. I dreamt of Fortnite. I ruminated about Fortnite. I played Fortnite whenever I could. I even relapsed throughout university twice but I was so concerned that if I started playing again, my grades would fail, I forced myself to stop. But the desire has never gone away. I still wanted to play. Everything else felt dull in comparison. I even did things that one would think were the right things to do like auditioning for plays, securing parts, and performing in big theatre productions at university. But I still felt awful so there's clearly something else beyond gaming which I'm working on. But returning to gaming is not what I need to do to move forward. Confronting these feelings and learning to live with them is the way forward. But I need to fill the void. After university, I was feeling a bit dissatisfied with life. A feeling that always lead me into the clutches of gaming beforehand. I decided to take an antidepressant called Sertraline. At first I didn't notice any change but then I increased the dosage to 75mg, and I felt a change. I didn't want to lose the feeling so I asked the doctor to increase my dosage. We went up to 100MG. What followed was an experience that feels completely out of place for me. I can't explain it other than this: think of yourself as your life as a flowing river. Computer game addiction, depression, all of the bad stuff and good stuff are in this river. This river is unchanging because this river is you. There's nothing we can do to change this river as this river represents the flow of your life. This isn't like depressing or anything as recovering from gaming addiction or mental health issues might be a part of your river to (hopefully!) But when I had this experience on 100MG of Sertraline it felt like I had transcended this river that was me. Like I was simply someone else. I did some really dramatic things. I cleared my physical and digital history (some people refer to this experience as mania or hypomania). I deleted all my social medias (as if I was deleting records of this person I didn't recognize). I appealed to completely different people than I had before. I was more outspoken, self-confident, funnier but also abrasive, indifferent etc. It was SO strange. After 3 months in this 'other person', I decided to build myself a gaming PC, something I was always afraid of doing before (for good reason). I spent £2700 on a gaming PC + peripherals and built the best gaming set up for Fortnite you could imagine. I resolved to win the Fortnite world cup. My family were in disbelief. They were alarmed at my behavior but also supportive of my endeavor because they don't understanding gaming addiction and because I was so passionate and determined about achieving this goal. In 2022, I played from March to September (I came off the 100MG to 0MG in June) for 16 hours a day, every day. I got nowhere. And after I became my river again, I broke down, and stopped playing. I stopped playing for 4-5 months and had the worst hangover from the drugs ever. I had suicidal thoughts. I was depressed out of my mind. So insecure, anxious, scared. I was self-harming. It wasn't good. And then I finally, only recently and after a lot of therapy, have recovered my self a bit. I now feel exactly like I did when I was in school but a bit better. I have a better understanding of what I must do in order to break out of this vicious cycle I've been caught up in for more than a decade. Respawn is a part of this. My current predicament: Lots of free time. The best gaming set up ever sitting in the other room. Cravings going wild (followed Cam's advice, went for a 8.5km run - kind of helped but got shin splints). I was going to sell the Gaming PC but it's just so beautiful it's hard to. I use it currently for video editing. If I moved out, I wouldn't take it with me. I'd leave it where it is (in the centre of my kitchen). I want to quit games for life because I think they're an unhealthy avoidance strategy / crutch. They postpone my development and can even make me feel worse in the long-term. I don't know what my main goal is now but I'm going to complete Respawn Elite (maybe this is one of my goals) and try and follow Cam's advice. I want to prioritize my well-being and keep busy. It's really hard though. I wrote this introduction because Cam says it's the first thing to do on Respawn. If you've read this far, I really appreciate it! Feel free to leave a comment!