Jules

I was so busy yesterday making headway on establishing some new hobbies, as well as just taking care of the bare necessities, that it slipped my mind to record this. I started a couple new things that I think will meet some of the aspects of the needs that gaming has met—and can work for me in moments when I'm low energy or under the weather, which seems to really be my point of vulnerability, while I work on getting my life routines and basic resourcing on track. The two things are physical puzzles (starting with rubiks cube) and drawing. For me, they meet 3 of the 4 needs (the social aspect isn't something I ever sought from gaming and I have solid social outlets already). I put in some solid initial time yesterday gathering the necessary materials and, mostly, putting in some initial reps so that I can start establishing those as habits that have appeal. Something that's also nice about them is that while they are likely to be engaging, they aren't quite as all absorbing/multi-sensory stimulating, and so I expect I'll be less likely to end up abusing them...

This entry will be short because I have had a long, busy, productive day. By leaning into my work, my social commitments, my friendships, and hobbies today, I have hardly had any thoughts flicking back to gaming. Solid day 2. As for LFR, your question, which—thank you. There's the excitement, pleasure, and challenge in starting a new game, and especially of a new genre or iteration of a genre—and therefore the fulfillment of gradually developing the unique skills to meet the game's challenge. While I often can experience similar things in other domains of my life when I'm a more satisfactory version of myself, I find that I'm particularly vulnerable to the ease of experiencing those things from a game when I'm low energy or under the weather, emotionally or physically (including when I'm sick). Gaming gratifies me with some of the best aspects of life, but at the same time, it does so in such an, absorbing, and, of course, addicting way, that I neglect and do harm to the other parts of my life, my commitments, relationships, aspirations, etc, and this is all through activities that have little to no bearing on any other aspect of life that I value.

I told myself I was committed to quitting for good this time and so I started with Module 1. But the social aspect isn't really part of what appeals about gaming to me, so I wasn't sure that this forum would really help me meet that need. But then I thought, maybe avoiding following through on that aspect of the action steps means that I'm actually not fulling committing to this process. So here I am. I'm so lucky that I haven't done more damage to my life from this addiction. I have a great girl friend, satisfying hobbies and work, and solid friends. But gaming is getting in the way of all that, it could all be even better, and I'm committed to living the best life I possibly could. So here I am.

I'm 34 and after quitting games in early adulthood (regular but not addicted gamer as a teen), I picked up console gaming again, with a ps5, after a year of the pandemic, March 2021 (I already had a switch, but hadn't played much). I then fell deep into gaming addiction for a year and a couple months, until last May. I was in therapy (EMDR) for some other stuff and that helped some, intermittently. I would put the PS5 in the closet for a week or two, even a month, but then I'd have a bad day or whatever, or just a day without any plans, and then out it came, and I'd open up with a gaming all nighter, and get back into it for a few days, until I got sick of myself. Finally, due to some commitments feeling more fulfilling and the early stages of a promising relationship, I gave away my PS5 June 2022. I'd already had a month or so off, but had a one day relapse. Things were great until early in the New Year. Some how or other, something in popular culture reminded me of games, and that I had a switch in my closet. I wanted to see if I could keep gaming under control, so I gave it a try. So began the latest Spiral, accelerating in this past month. At first, it was just a few binges when I was experiencing some lows, like maybe 2-3 total, maybe one a month. Then I gave away my switch, so finally that was gone. Then, in April, I discovered my laptop can handle a fair number of games, and I had a really bad month of relapse, with the worst being this past weekend. I have been recognizing this was coming back, and I kept hoping it would be enough to get rid of the consoles, but I obviously can't get rid of my laptop (I did just initiate the steam account deletion process). What I'm feeling like now, and what I am remembering from when I was in therapy (I stopped late last year), was that I need a plan, I can't just say I'll quit and that's that. So here I am.