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Mouxine

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Everything posted by Mouxine

  1. Mouxine

    Moving on

    Loneliness is a hard trial, but being with the wrong one is much worst. A she-friend of mine has child with an alcoholic, smoking drugs and claustrating it's wife because he's scared she will run away. Trust me, she would prefer by far being alone, but she can't get rid of the man. From a some point of view, you're much luckier than other, but I don't mean your situation is satisfying but at least you are not the prisonner of an horrible man. From the little I see from you, you seem a deep person, and you have the will to stop a destructive addiction. That's attractive for someone who likes responsible people. An honest man will love who because of who you are, not because you look nice. Hope you get well soon.
  2. You're on the good way. Realizing that you have only one life, with time limited and the duty to use it worthly is one big step forward. Being aware that eternal damnation exist, is also great. Here in France, many people forgot about this, or worse, they don't believe it anymore. We had a stupid revolution in the 1960s, and everyone was like "we'll all go to heaven !" and priest saying "we afraid people with Hell but it's finished now". Triple stupid, thinking God doesn't retribute someone with justice, thinking that Hitler or Staline could go to heaven without a proper expiation. God is a Father, and any good father doesn't give gifts to an evil child. Seven years of study for priesthood and some cannot read correctly the Gospel (Matt, 25 v31 sqq). What a shame... Anyway don't force it too much, there's a time for everything. taking proper rest is truly God's Will when it's after hardwork. It's not only about being productive, it's about being fruitful. It seems you have a lot of energy going, that's so nice to see.
  3. Day 8 Daily routine aside going to my biblical study group. Day 9 Daily routine. At 17 P.M my oldest daughter had a friend at home and she slept home. Tried to find the hobbies to stay clear from video games. Game books and board games seem to work a bit, I don't have yet the motivation to invest in it. Most of video games I played were cheap or free, yet awesome for some of them. I seriously thinking about creating my own board games to fit my way of gaming. I'm think I'm to lazy to start, or scared from failure, like putting 80h creating something not fun... I would love to make a gamebook in the style of the pc game Tower of the Sorcerer, a huge maze with puzzle elements. I can't find a decent one to buy yet.
  4. Mouxine

    Moving on

    I feel sad for you. Being betrayed like this. If you truly like Seneca, you could also read Marcus Aurelius, and Epictetus, two other major figur of the Stoic Thought. There's also many common points between Stoic Thought and Christianity, maybe you would be interested in reading the Gospel. I studied philosophy, so maybe I could answer some of your questions, it depends on what you actually search reading Seneca. I'm the kind of person who needs loads of effort to stand up for myself, I know it's hard if you are very introverted. But you can do it, just try and retry and you will finally succeed
  5. That's great for you ! One of the best way to avoid relapsing is creating a healthy routine and that is exactly what you are doing. If you have a meaningful work most of the days, you won't relaspse nor have cravings during that time. I'm rooting for you !
  6. Day 6 My wife's birthday. She had friends at home, I passed the whole day talking, taking care of the children (3 mine + 1 of our friend). My wife received a Monopoly gaming Mariokart, a board game reminding gaming. No special cravings with it. Nothing special aside from that. Day 7 I had a restaurant 1 on 1 with my wife. Nothing special to say, we were laughting about us, we're so unlike other couples in many ways : dressing, talking, interests... We are silent or talk slowly, not because we look at our phone, but we have really nothing to say aside from our routine, except I love you gazing at each other. Homeschool was terrible today, the children weren't concentrated at all. I suppose it was because it was in the afternoon after grandma left. She's too lenient with smartphone so the kids' brains were saturated during class. I listened to some game music, maybe it's risky but anyway I spent most of the day humming them. By experience, it's much less dangerous for me than reading a FAQ on Gamefaq or watching a speedrun. I get super hard cravings when I look at speedruns, and it's the n°2 temptation after garming. Since the first day I had the temptation 1 time or 2 but I'm much weaker on this side, it's generally the first wall to crumble before relapsing.
  7. Keep up with your resolution. And don't forget, it's not having no cravings which makes you being a good man, it's resisting them because you know have to. It's your free will which is to most important, desires are a part of them, but pure Love is also pure Will, just like in the Saint Trinity where there's no emotions but only pure Will.
  8. @katsudo19 Thanks for the advices ! Get up early : I love this one, but I'm already short on sleep. Trust me, I hate oversleeping, I prefer by far taking a 15 min nap after lunch if I'm too tired. Exercise : I get bored so quickly exercising. It's surely one of the fastest way to relapse because I'm so bored after ! I can't exercise without an imposed goal, if it's self imposed, I won't make it, it feels meaningless to me. Affirmation : it's not easy for us, french people, to think like that. I feel entangled by all the norms and rules in France : you can't even mop the floor without a diploma now ! I know I have to progress in selfconfidence, it's true. There's a christian way to have it : with God by my side, I can do anything ! Reading autobiography : I love that, but only with people that I actually admire or has a really interresting life from my point of view. Books about manliness... I won't read them, I hate all this debate about be a true male. I'm generally mocked by my male friends because they think I'm acting too womanly. My true male model it's the soldier spirit : you don't get into danger for fun but because it's a necessity, you experience fear during battle but you overcome it for an ideal like freedom or fatherland, if you win war you know it's because your fellow soldiers battled with you, not only because of your own efforts even if they contribute to it. Many males confuse selfishness with manliness, I just despise that. I've got a friend like that, assertive and all the manly blablah and I sleept with loads of women, he doesn't want anyone to show him disrepect. Now his wife has cancer and he hasn't the courage to go visit her when she's in the hospital : he's a coward not a man... I don't care if I don't please women, my wife and my kids are proud of me that is enough. If women are stupid not to be attracted by Nice Guys, so be it, they have to assume too. Day 5 Had family at home, not much time to pray. It was a tiring saturday, not so bad, but it's so better when I'm free to read and pray on Sundays. No cravings, except around 3 P.M and around 19P.M when my wife was gaming a bit. We watched Trolls, common but not bad.
  9. Day 4 I started the day with bad mood, usually the case when I got to sleep being angry or sad. It was the case because of the argument with my wife before sleep. Class with the kids went well, a smiling atmosphere came back at house and the day was good. It's saturday evening, we went to the anticipated mass because tomorrow we have family at home, I hate mundane talks on Saturdays, but I have no choice. Not much cravings today. My wife gamed next to me before going to bed, I watched her with bearable craving. It's easy yet because I have everything in mind, it won't always be. I was searching also for the famous activities or hobbies to replace gaming. Priority for me are relaxing activities : I have always something to do, you can't get bored with 3 homescholed children, but it can become unbearable ! Boredom occurs more when they go to sleep... Social activities don't hook me much... I like being by myself, I enjoy silence and freedom. Profond conversations are nice too but not too long. I guess that's why I'm confortable writing on this forum. @Splitstep Thank you for your post, it made me smile. You seem much more enthousiastic than I am, that is great.
  10. I'm glad I could help you by just being myself. There's someone much more inspiring for a believer than I when it comes to addiction : it's saint Marc Ji Tianxiang. There's an good article on Aleteia about his life. It's good to see you are familiar with prayer. Seriously I get so much meaner when I skip praying, and it's generally the worst thing with relapse : I have much less time for God and my soul, playing 6 hours and giving only 10 min to prayer... Relapse is not an option for you, not even to play in moderation : Luke 9:62. I very often heard that in my head as I was relapsing... Anyway, you are on the right path and probably you'll have to struggle with games a long time, but it's easier to resist later on. Just see how you got back quickly from, If I understood well, your first relapse. I'll follow your journal and, of course, pray for you as I do for everyone here too.
  11. Day 3 Not a funny day at all. The sleeping part of the night was too short. I woke up 45 min latter than my schedule. My wife was out the morning to help a friend with a cancer. I managed the 3 children, they were sweet. Afternoon was tiring, I spent too much time on internet, had a too small nap, yelled after the kids too much, and got really angry twice. I was exhausted after the kids bath, I wanted to relax... Good luck relaxing with 3 children running, sreaming (the usual way they laugh), poking my laptop. I tried to find something interesting on Youtube : almost nothing worth it, and the oldest asking "Can you put on Peppa Pig ?"... It was no, but it turned again into a tiring confrontation. So nothing on Youtube worth looking, I think I won't go back there without something really specific in mind. Tried also to look on Google Play, nothing really appealing. So I wasted all my free time looking for something relaxing. I can't watch Crunchyroll anime because most of them aren't fit if the children peek at the screen, but at least I found something interesting to look when they sleep at night... If it's not too late like now. I ended the day with a argument with my wife... I'm super stupid, I feel I have to express my negative feelings, then I wound the people I love. Why can't I just shut up ? Anyway, the cravings weren't that bad today, but I really need quickly something to replace gaming to relax a bit. It's surely the n°1 reason of my past relapses, not boredom but being full of stress because the kids are super tiring. But it's so complicated : I can't play a board or a card game, I can't watch most of videos because they are too scary for the children, and for reading, I don't have relaxing books : most of them are highly intellectual or spiritual and I can't relax with that ! So I have to find entertaining books, or start writing. But I don't know what kind of things I should write. I feel discouraged each time I try writing something. Ironic for someone who studied philosophy and think "I was really smart" when I read my own exams. Also to help me quit video games, I put an image of Maria Magdalena in my room and as a my laptop wallpaper. She's so inspiring and strong, rising from the lowest of what human can become up to become a true flame of divine love. I like her so much and looking at her gives me courage.
  12. Mouxine

    Relapse

    First of all : be proud to have resisted 150 days ! It's not a little achievement. You realized everything you need to get up again, so you should recover from relapse quickly now. I've been so many times in your situation. Yes, we were totally addicted, and we will always get addicted when we play again. Surely there's out there exceptions, but I'm not one, and you are probably not one. I tried so much : having only 2 games on my laptop, playing only with friends, playing one day in the week and not more. I tried so many rules to achieve moderate gaming. Nothing works, it just delays a bit the unavoidable : a full relapse. Don't fall for the same trap I did so often. I heard one day a benedict monk saying : it's been 40 years I quit smoking, and every morning I wake up with the craving to smoke... But he didn't smoke in 40 years. We could do the same !
  13. Just a word to say I will follow this journal, so you are more motivated knowing it. it's so late, 1 AM here in France, I'm going to sleep.
  14. I was planning to follow your daily journal, *sob* *sob*. As you see, having support is really helpful, especially when cravings gets hard or you feel discouraged because you relapsed again. I think you should still consider giving us 15 min a day, it's not too much and I think it will help you greatly. I'm being curious, which part of my advice did you find helpful ?
  15. Don't be too hard on yourself. You relapsed and played for 1 hour only after 4 days of nothing ? it's not that bad, it's pretty harmless if you get up again now. Look at the reasons you have to stop gaming : looking at them will give you the boost to stop again. I understand your hardship. My older brother was mocking me when I stopped gaming for the first time, and recently I relapsed because I listened to his advice : "come on, try to control your urges to play and play reasonnably". Well I'm too weak to game reasonnably, unlike my brother, and his advice was a cursed trap ! I got into a damned gaming binge for 6 month because of that, and my couple and children suffering. So I think you shouldn't seek support from people who don't give a shit about your dreams and goals, even if they are your family ! Family is a blessing if they help you to grow, but they can be a curse if they push you to have a lesser life. I don't think joining the community is a must, try it and if it helps you keep it up, if it doesn"t trash it. I still think it helps most of the time. The goal if your life, not us, but don't waste your precious life on gaming, you deserve better.
  16. It's time for me to start my daily journal, so here it is. Day 1 I was really wishing to want totally quitting but I wasn't completely sure I wanted to. I was still hooked a bit, having the craving to finish that one last game I was on. I was not so motivated, even if I knew I had to, so I pushed myself to start quitting. I searched for all the reasons to quit as asked in the first chapter of Respawn and it became clearer. I want to quit to become a better man and to please God. God has the most important place in my life, my life was meaningless without him : I was only seeking to have the most pleasure in my life, but that's so lame. At the age of 15 I read the Gospel and I was totally hooked, I still am now. However, becoming faithful didn't erase my craving for games, it made way easier to struggle against it, but I had win and loss against it. Many times I wanted to quit for God, but high stress has always took me back to gaming, so this day I realized I wasn't sure anymore I wanted to quit because I'm tired of relaspsing and I was thinking maybe I should admit I need games to entertain myself when I'm really stressed. Then I read the topic on dopamine release in one's brain when he plays and I'm forced to admit it : my brain needs a cure to think correctly. So when I looked at all the reasons to quit, I found some strength to really want to quit, not thinking if tomorrow it will disappear. I want to quit games : for God, because it's clearly polluting my relation with him, for my wife and my children because I'm becoming selfish and angry when I play on a regular basis. Once I made this first step, to really take the decision to quit gaming forever, It was painful but I continued the work reading Respawn. It gave me something to do, and since it's about video games, even if it's quitting, it's not so boring for me. I'm bored really quickly, especially since I studied philosophy, because I feel like it's always the same ideas coming back, with some little changes. I feel jaded of many things, much like the author of the Book of Ecclesiastes whose thoughts I sumarise like this : everything is vain, don't forget to give yourself a bit of pleasure and serve God from all your heart. I admit it's very easy to fall for video games with that kind of thoughts. Anyway, starting to write on this forum gave me more insight about my motivations and my reasons, so it's great. Half a day past the decision to quit, I felt deeply touched, something like God saying to me : I'm proud you made the good choice my son. The light which fled from my soul 6 months ago came back now, and it feels so good. I feel also miserable, but with a huge peace of mind. I was much less angry at my 3 kids, and I felt less tired. I went to sleep late that day, but wasn't because of obsession with games, and it's nice. That night, my 16 month son woke up at 1A.M and stayed awake for 2 hours, but I have been much more patient. Day 2 I woke up being in a good mood, it's been 15 days since last time. My mother came to have lunch with us, and I didn't look at my laptop at all until 7 P.M It's starting well. I realized too, I need to write a daily journal like this, helps me to express my stress. I have almost no friends, not only because of gaming, but because I moved away from my good friends and lost contact. It's really not fit for me to keep contact on facebook and others social media. I always cheerished 1 or 2 friends until the time were separation was unavoidable because of life choices. Now I'm looking for one, but it's not so easely found. The craving for game became stronger, and the usual "a little game won't kill you, and you deserve it with your lifestyle". Not too hard to resist the urge to play, but I fear that I might forget that this kind of thoughts are a trap. I relaspsed so many times in the past because of this trap, I feel weaker to it than by the past. I had time to give class to the children and it went really well this time (they are homeschooled and since my wife health is really fragile, I have to stay home, good for us we have savings and know how to live a modest life, it will probably change when the kids are older : the oldest has 4 years and the youngest 16 months... It's draining the whole day !). I had fun doing it. Everyone sleeps now here, and I will probably log out soon !
  17. Having to cook 2 times a day for 5 people, we usually do : 1 - Rice / Pasta / Potatoes / Wheat. It's basic : boil water, put the pasta/rice... into it then put a timer. It takes 1 min to put the water to boil and 10 sec to put the pasta/rice into water. 2 - Vegetables, mostly carrots, zucchini, tomatoes, turnips, cabbage. Get a steam cooker it's easy and healthy. 5 minutes to peel the veggies and it cooks alone. 3 - fruits : you can eat most of them raw and it's healthy. 0 minutes of preparation 4 - cheese : on a piece of bread, melt it on potatoes... 5 - once a day, some meat or fish pan fried. It never takes us more than 20 to 30 min to cook. Then try mixing with simple things and experimenting, you will learn quickly having your own style of cooking. Mine is very unrefined without spices : I use only salt, honey, oil, vinegar, soy sauce depending on what I cook. My wife uses almost every spice in the world (okay I'm exagerating a bit). Try having fun when cooking : chop vegetables as fast as you can like a japanese chef (don't cut yourself !), or try something original. You don't have to "win" by making a good meal, just have healthy food that's not too bad everyday. And the secret for the day you are lazy to cook ? Have a freezer to freeze your own meal or buy some freezed chopped vegetables. Seriously, it's cheaper and easier than ordering a pizza.
  18. Hi everyone, I'm 27 years old french man, married and have kids. I have gaming issues since a long time. My first time with a gaming console was at 2 years old because I was always stuck with my older brother who played a lot. My parents have always been very busy so I think I played a lot to avoid being bored and to ease my stress as a kid. I played many games, and I always played being obsessed with an ideal of "perfect gaming". At the age of 15 or 16, I successfully stopped gaming during two years because I became catholic and I was totally into it and it was easy to quit gaming and being faithful. Once I started a licence of philosophy, studying was hard and I relapsed, thinking it would be okay to play a bit. I even took a girl, my wife now, to a gaming exposure in Paris. I got my licence, but I was gaming more and more, then I failed my first grade master because it was too hard for me and I needed to play more and more to cool down after ... 30 minutes of studying. I was engaged and my fiancee was thinking I had a problem back then. Since I failed my master, I started working with my father who owns a company and got married. Even if my work was valuable, I was procrastinating way too much and playing video games every day. My first kid was born, and it was horrible for me to stand my baby wailing. Thus I played even more and got angry way too often at my baby... My wife threatened me to quit me, so I gave into even more efforts. I learned to manage my anger and stopped gaming again. It was so better. But then because of my brother telling me I should control my gaming issue, it's better than just cut it firmly, I thought he was right. And I relapsed, I stopped again, then relapsed again because I couldn't find anything relaxing and challenging to dream about something else than my stressfull life. According to my wife, each time I relapse, I get angry and selfish again, the truth is I'm not even aware of it, only until it becomes a big issue... I got 2 other children, and now I'm hooked into games again, because of nostalgy and the need to think about something else than kids or work. Yesterday I decided to quit again because my wife told me it's starting again to polute our lives. It's been like 6 month I learned about Game Quitters, and I thought I was strong enough to stop without purchasing Respawn. The truth is : yes I could but I don't, so I've finally decided to give it a chance, it's less than 30 €. I've been surprised because it's much more helpful than it seemed to me before giving it a try. Why I'm quitting ? To become a better man. I want to become a saint, an unknown one sacrificing itself in secret for the world's redemption, and gaming is just the worst thing happening to me everytime because I become selfish when I play and I lose so precious time. I want my wife to be proud of me, not struggling with my anger everyday. I want to be able to work and not procrastinate like an idiot because I took my gaming session first and forgot I had other priorities. I want to be able to enjoy something in life without thinking it's boring because it's not frenetic like a bullet hell shooter ! I feel really like an idiot, relapsing so many times, not learning from my past mistakes and now I struggle with discouragement ! So ashamed of myself but, thank God, I know there's hope.