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Everything posted by Mouxine

  1. True theorically speaking, but in my case, that was the path to relapse... Drinking alcohol is nice with friends, but if I'm alcoholic it's better I don't drink, even if my boss invites me to... If you can manage playing rarely with others, that's good, I can't. St Ignace of Loyola said : when the devil can't tempt someone openly and grossly because the one wants to serve God, he does it under appareance of good. Devils caught me more than once like that, and since you want to serve God, that will happen. It happens a lot when you have authority or have children. "Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith" (1 Peter c5 v?
  2. There's something really not right about your mother. Sounds like she's manipulative. She never calls, but when you are at her place, she wants you to make the slave ... Here's a list of 30 characteristics of a manipulator according to Isabelle Nazare-Aga (she's famous in France). It helped me realize my step mother was manipulative (27 out of 30). What about your mother ? 1 They make other people feel guilty, in the name of professional conscience, family ties, friendship, love, etc. 2 They unload their responsibilities onto others or dismiss their own responsibilities. 3 They do not clearly communicate their requests, needs, feelings or opinions. 4 They often respond vaguely. 5 They change their opinions, behaviours, or feelings depending on the person or situation. 6 They cite all kinds of logical reasons to disguise their requests. 7 They make others believe that they must be perfect, never change their minds, always know everything, and immediately respond to requests and questions. 8 They cast into doubt the qualities, skills and personalities of other people—they criticize without appearing to do so, devalue and judge. 9 They have their messages communicated by other people or via intermediaries (telephone instead of face-to-face, written notes). 10 They create suspicion and stir up ill feeling; they divide to conquer, driving a wedge between people, which can lead to relationship break-ups. 11 They know how to make themselves into victims to gain sympathy (e.g. exaggerated illness, « difficult » surroundings, overloaded at work). 12 They ignore requests (even if they claim to be taking care of them). 13 They use the moral principles of others (e.g. notions of humanity, charity, racism, « good » or « bad » mother) to satisfy their needs. 14 They make veiled threats or openly resort to blackmail. 15 They abruptly change topic in mid-conversation. 16 They avoid or get out of discussions and meetings. 17 They rely on the ignorance of others while vaunting their own superiority. 18 They lie. 19 They make false statements to discover the truth, twist and interpret facts to suit themselves. 20 They are self-centred. 21 They can be jealous, even if they are parents or spouses. 22 They cannot take criticism, and deny facts. 23 They do not take into account the rights, needs and desires of others. 24 They often wait until the last minute to ask, order or have others do something. 25 Their words appear logical and consistent, while their attitudes, actions or lifestyle are totally opposite. 26 They use flattery to seduce us, give gifts or suddenly start waiting on us hand and foot. 27 They generate a state of discomfort or of not being free (trap). 28 They are excellent at meeting their own goals, but at the expense of others. 29 They make us do things that we would probably not have done of our own free will. 30 They are constantly the focus of conversation among people who know them, even if they are not present. Individuals who are said to be manipulators act in accordance with at least 14 characteristics on this list. People with fewer than eight of the listed attitudes are not considered to have a manipulative personality. Book of Sirach chap 6 : 6 Let your acquaintances be many, but for advisers choose one out of a thousand. 7 If you want to make a friend, take him on trial, and do not be in a hurry to trust him;
  3. I decided to stop wandering on internet and doing stressful things after 22:00, that means when the children start sleeping, it's my casual time. I'm supressing many time consuming activities to devote myself to the education of my children. I'm going through a "I want to do something useful to society" syndrom. But I'm stuck at home, and I should just accept it without frustration. I can't devote myself to a project now, then I will just do what I have to do and wait for the appropriate time. I want to be productive, but it's not time for that. I will probably stop writing in my journal for these reasons. Thank you to all who read and responded in my journal. God bless you and may your spirit understand his infinite Love for you.
  4. Okay, that's a huge confession here. I hope you can read this post until the end. I think firmly everything I put in bold is your main issue making you unhappy, and that is something you have to work on if you wish to be happier. The underlined part is a mecanism of avoidance which increase your loneliness, because with many friends you don't have time for really intimate friendship, and therefore you create exactly the suffering you want to avoid this way. You said just before "I want a house, a fun romance, a job and career I somewhat enjoy and don't get painfully bored at, side hobbies that make me enjoy life, and a balanced routine where I am athletic, competitive, learning, presenting, etc". That won't make you happy and it's almost impossible to have all this going well at the same time. Even if you did have all that, your loneliness while still be there. Being happy is only possible by bearing suffering and trials in a healthy way, everyone has their suffering, even those who seems to enjoy life without pain. I'm sorry to say it plainly, but you certainly don't have been loved as you deserved to be loved when you were child. It's not about what you did (you said :"what I'm doing wrong to be lonely"), you did not do anything wrong, it's just your heart is still bleeding from a deep wound when you were little and weak. Now this wound is a poison to your whole life. If I take an image, you're little a pierced barrel of beer : you can fill it totally, it will empty quickly. That's not your fault, it was your parents' job to make sure you would not be pierced, and if you were anyway, they should have repaired the wound. But they didn't, and maybe they were so wounded too they couldn't. Now you have to heal this wound to get better. I hope I'm not to harsh saying that. It's been a some time I follow your journal so I don't think I'm wrong. I had too a really lonely childhood, my parents were rich so they bought everything for me, but they never played with me or asked me how was my day at school. Even worse, my mother said me one day : "your sister is making me so many problems, you, work hard and be nice". I thought by doing this I would please my mother and receive the attention I was waiting for. I was wrong, I was still alone, mostly in front of my games, and I was unable to do friend at school, except with pariah who would quit the school 1 year later... I remember I once cried when one of my friend was playing with one of another friend of his because his attention was not on me anymore... and now I'm desperate too for attention, so desperate I was harassing my wife to sleep with me very often when she was not fertile, but it was never fulfiing more than 2 hours after, I was even more lonely after that, even if she did everything to serve me... I got better when she tried to understand my childhood. I never talked about it to her, because I was thinking "it's a painful past, I don't want to recall it and say bad things about my parents". She insisted to know everything and since she has done psychology studies, she knew what she had to ask to make me spill what I needed to. So I told her everything then I cried like a baby because it was just horrible and unfair. Now I feel better because I have been listened to, the wound is a bit healed but not totally. Was it too much to ask to my parents to love me and show it to me ? No, it's totally fair and justice, if you make children, you have to love them because they need it to grow up. I talked about myself just to say, you are not alone in that painful case and it's not your fault. For me who God is Love and everything worth, I'm always forgetting He loves me, and I'm always afraid he is angry at me, just because I have been so accustomed not being considered... As we say, old habits die hard ! So how to deal with this ? A therapist could help you a lot. If you're really against it (I'm typically kind of guy who takes ages to take an appointement to see a therapist, even if I know I need to), you can start talking to a good, compassionate and trustful friend and unfold all your painful past. It will help a lot. Anyway, being such a hardworker and having so many qualities with such a burden, you are really someone valuable ! I pray with all my heart so you can heal.
  5. If I resume, most of strong feelings leads you to porn, and I wonder why reading is there. I'm strongly thinking you need to extinguish your desire for sex as soon as you feel the slightest arousal. Since I have been successful in stopping masturbation, I know it's not strong willpower when you are tempted that counts but it's having the habit to clear any thought about sex. Cover the fire as soon as it starts, you can't stop it when it has grown. You should think about sex only when you are with the woman you truly love and are dedicated to, that's what you should look for first. Sex is not something we should think like a gratification. I know many people are disagreeing with me, but I'm experienced in resisting lust, not having sex before being married and having not masturbated since I was 15, and I was having sexual thoughts every times I was going to bed... About friends, I don't give an advice, I'm just agreeing with most of what you said. We had a super group of 10 friends when I was in college. Once they were all on Facebook, they just stopped to call or even invite me because they were too lazy to pick up the phone. They just posted a message on their wall, so I missed everything because I didn't want to go on Facebook. I was the first on to marry and have kids, they never called me since. Friendship is something uncommon these days, by frienship I mean something which excludes selfishness. Anyway, you don't need loads of friends, but one great one. I think you just need true love (though friendship or romance), I find it healthy you're not satisfied with what you have and I'm admirative of your fighting spirit in these conditions.
  6. @BooksandTrees Thanks for asking ! I was intending to give some news, so I'm happy you asked. I'm mostly well. I didn't relaspsed yet, I had some cravings recently since I'm working on many issues in my life so the traditionnal "Come on, you can give yourself some deserved rest" is coming back frequently. Anyway, I have to stay faithful to my resolution no matter what changes, no video games for life ! My wife is on a video detox, she's prone to watch series until very late, so we can help each others in our detox. Now at home it's no video games and no films/series. Some days are boring but it's just better this way and we feel more accomplished. We play board games much more and we read more too. Life is simple but good. I'm really thinking seriously about not having sex with my wife, unless we want to make a child. It's something very rare but some catholic couples do this, observing to the most what St Paul says : "But if you marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Yet such will have trials in this life, and I am trying to spare you. But this I say, brethren, the time has been shortened, so that from now on those who have wives should be as though they had non" (1 Corinthians chap 7 v28-29; the whole chap 7 is worth reading to understand theses verses). I tried to look at my wife just as if she was like a sister and nothing else during 10 days, I felt so free and my emotionnal distress was mostly gone... I won't deprive her of her due if she asks me, but then I didn't have any selfish intentions, and that is truly a huge freedom. Spiritual love is incredibly strong, and sex just feels dull to express it, at least for me. And this little 10 days test was also much better with my anger management... I'm supposed to work for my father now, doing his accounting, but since he screw up something I'm waiting for the former accountant to fix everything. It's infuriating because I dislike dissorder about work but I have to deal with it.
  7. I'm at +100 days without gaming so I won't count anymore I discovered that gaming was a way to compensate for my emotionnal distress. Everytime I have a need of affection, if it's not fulfilled in the day, I start having pain from sadness. The other day I almost smashed my head on the wall, thanks to the Holy Virgin I didn't by praying her. Each time this happens, I have my bad habit coming back : I want to play to forget everything for 1 or 2 hours. I used to be very lonely when I was little, so I played a lot. It's certain I have a huge void in my heart because my parents weren't close to me even if I know they loved me. But their love was so poor, because they used to give me many gifts but very little time to spent with me. Now I have emotionnal issues with my wife because of this : I have a huge thirst for affection and she suffocates very quickly because of her mother who was oppresive. God has been the first pillar of our marriage and if he hadn't, I would have already divorced like an idiot, because with our trials and victories, I know I have a great wife. Anyway, I'm saying this because it's apparent now to me that my addiction to video games is a consequence of a psychological problem.
  8. As a father of 3 kids, I'm supporting you here ! I relapsed many times, and each time I got up quickly, it resisted better so you have the right move here. If your kids like playing soccer or with a ball, you can play with them as an exercize, works well to sweat and have fun.
  9. I prayed for you and I'm glad you found some light and hope for a happy life ! There will be some trials surely, but finding a motivating path is a huge gift already, I hope you will succeed ! Maybe you could record an audio file so we can hear you too. I'm curious of your natural talent !
  10. @BooksandTrees I trust you so much about moderation won't work. Your analysis is insightful, I'm still poisoned by games, and I think I'll be craving for it regularly all my life unless there's a miracle. That's not a bad thing in itself because trials and suffering can be offered to God for the world's salvation, and salvation is what I'm looking for. However I'm so light headed and stupid sometimes, I could fall for games again. That's my greatest fear about it, to forget how much I harmed myself with them and forget this decision to never play again. Thanks for saying this. Your words were a sunshine in my soul.
  11. Don't give up, you are still sane and you always had much energy. Your mom shouldn't be offended you want to buy a home, she should be glad her son is capable of taking care of himself and wants to emancipate. Your feelings makes me think about my mom. When I don't see her I miss her, but when I'm with her more than 1 day per week I start suffocating a bit... Lesson : when you need space, don't count on your parents ! When human solutions doesn't work, one should try divine ones. I suggest you try praying the rosary if you are faithful, especially when it's so hard to resist porn cravings, It's the only thing that has always worked for me.
  12. Day 91 the 90 days detox is over, I have cravings and this cursed voice in my head "try playing in moderation now". I made the decision to never play video games again in my life, I know I have so much to lose if I do play video games again.
  13. Don't stay unoccupied too long, the devils love to fill voids with temptation. Don't hesitate to "waste time" walking if you don't have the energy to do something useful, it helps a lot. Anyway good job being free for so long !
  14. Day 57 (1er april) to 71 (15 april) I spent a lot less time in front of a screen these days. This is great ! My eyes hurt less, I'm much less angry, I enjoy life a lot more and I'm closer to God. I wrote 4 chapters of my book and I feel good about writing. To sumarize, everything went better since : 1 - I stopped playing video games - day 1 2 - I scheduled a daily time to pray (10 min in the morning with the daily mass texts and 10 minutes in the evening with 2 decades of the rosary.) - first week 3 - I started working on all my bad habits at the same time (eating too much, too much time leisure, etc...) - around day 30 Thanks to God for his help, I wouldn't have done it otherwise.
  15. day 53 (28 march) to 56 (31 march) I started writing a story. I use paper instead of my laptop, it's much more comfortable. I read the beginning to my wife, now she craves for more ! I don't intend to give much details, but it's about an addicted gamer living into games and realizing many of them are just awful. I got my inspiration from someone saying : "you're playing war while there are many people dieing from war in Syria, do you think it's okay ?" and I think it's not... I don't want my book being wise but hard to read, I want it wise and fun. I got angry many times, but I'm controlling a bit more my body while I'm angry. I didn't break anything this time, but I still have a long way to go to have controlled anger. I saw my elder sister yesterday and I decided to phone her more regularly. She has some bad influence in her life and I want to help her get rid of that.
  16. I think it's something positive. It helps not giving up, but you just have to stay patient. If you get better and closer to your goals, one day you will realize them. Day 42 (18 march) to 52 (27 mars) As we say in French (I don't know if we do in English), I had my spirit in my socks these days. I'm a bit exhausted, I don't sleep enough, despite my sleeping routine being healthier and waking up is harder and harder. One night, i woke up to calm my boy, but I was so tired I screamed like a maniac in front of him. He was scared then I hugged him and he calmed down and slept 10 min later. I felt terrible after that and I'm still amazed how little children can forgive so easely their parents, being so weak and needy of their parents makes them so gentle. Of course I dont intend to abuse of this ! I dislocated the little boy's arm while carrying him on my back, just after going out of mass. I hurried up to the hospital but he put back his arm alone before I could see a doctor. I still didn't write a single page but I have some ideas. One involves a tale on video games with spiritual and philosophical consideration, according to my wife I should start by this. After I discussed with her about some details, the idea is now getting more and more precise. I'm motivated to start writing and I grasp a bit better how I want to get things done ! Thanks to God helping me there ! When my mood is down, I don't have cravings but a little voice goes in my head saying "why wouldn't you play video games now, your life seems so sad now". Actually It's easier to resist urges to play than this sad mood. A craving for video games is somethink violent, so it's easy to be on my guard, but when it's silent and sneaky like this little voice, I can fall for it without noticing. I did much gardening also, it feels good but I really lack knowledge about nature. It's my first year taking care of a garden !
  17. @BooksandTrees I watched the beginning of the rising of the shield hero on Crunchyroll. I like medival fantasy and it had good reviews and it was looking like something a bit different than usual layout. Searching a bit more about it, it turns out in a cliche way, pragmatic antihero. It's just boring and I hate everything that makes one revel in mediocrity. My friend is a liar because she worries to much about her reputation, so she just disguise some facts so that people pity her. It turns out that many people are learning she's a liar so she'll end up alone if she doesn't change. @James Good Thanks for the feedback. It helps keeping posting. It's true that I improved a lot in 30 days, but that's also because I worsened a lot when I relapsed, and the longer the relapse, the uglier the worsening... So I'm truly humiliated because I'm reponsible for having improved a lot less than I wished. I don't think I'm strong, (edit) I'm convincing myself to think I'm stubborn and weak because that's what I truly am despite my fiery nature (/edit). I just want to improve a lot and I'm obstinating myself in this path. It's been 12 years since I'm working with obstination on myself. Twelve years of struggle against myself and I'm still so encline to fall for obvious traps, uncontrolled anger and procrastination. Most of my last improvements are because of my family. I started to work on my anger and my laziness because with 3 little children, you can't sit down and do what you wish. My wife is also correcting me and it helped me a lot. Gaming detox is really something I should have done earlier and better. --- Thanks to you two anyway, it's helpful feeling supported.
  18. Day 33 to 41 (41 is the 17 march) The mood was tense at home during these days. The little one is making 2 teeth simultaneously, this explains why he sleeps so bad and why we are on your nerves not sleeping well. I lost motivation doing my daily journal, it's always late when I can take decent time to do it (10 P.M). I will try to update it once a week. Notable facts during 8 days : - I discovered a friend of mine is a liar. - A friend tried to motivate me to write articles or books. I would like to but I lack self confidence most of the time. - I want to spend less and less time online. Time flees when I'm in front of a screen and my eyes hurts. - I bought a new phone : big screen but weak power so I can't do much things on it. Great it's just what I needed and it was the cheapest 75€. - I watched an anime. The beginning was fun and it became boring... It's always the case. - I noticed that I was improving only when I was struggling with all my flaws at the same time. I should remember this ! - I read the chapters on chastity in the introduction of the devout life by St Francis of Sales. I got a big but a gentle slap in the face : I'm only at the first degree and there's two more to achieve. That was one of the most slowing down error I made thinking I had to improve somewhere else.
  19. @Vera What if you are wise enough to know what's good for you and others but you don't have enough courage and moderation to accomplish it ? That hurts a lot more than if you weren't wise... In that case, being wise is a curse. But you are mostly right because when one becomes more virtuous, he also often become wiser, and a wise man often knows that he has to work on himself to become better. @BooksandTrees I'm glad my words can help, I'm really not confident when I'm writing advices !
  20. For life satisfaction or happiness, you have to progress in virtue while having enough to live. The wise Aristoteles explains it very well in his book 1 of Ethics to Nicomachus. He puts aside wealth, honor, power, wisdom because you can be unhappy with it, while virtuous people are happy or at least serene if things go wrong. It's true also for christians, God doesn't give his graces to the vicious ones. For relationship growth and confidence, I'm not the good one to talk as I'm far from good in this domain. For porn, passing from approx 2 times a day to 1 time a week is already encouraging ! Good job improving like this in two months. After a week without porn or masturbating, it's harder to resist because you produced enough semen, so you have to boost up your motivation to be successful resisting. When I stopped masturbating at 15, I was waking up every night with horrible cravings during almost an hour. It was this way 3 months, if I hadn't being 100% sure I wanted to quit, I would have relapsed. Serving God and masturbating are not compatible so I had a huge motivation there. It's the same for you, you have to find your main reasons to stop porn, and you have to stay focused on them. And by the way, something helpful : put aside anything concerning sex (thoughts, looks at ladies...). You can't stop porn if you look at or think about the ladies with desire, you have to focus on their inner qualities and to look for spiritual love first. It sounds decouraging maybe, but that will boost at lot life satisfaction once you made good habits, and it will be easier by a lot. It's the same for me as a married man, my couple is much more fulfiing if I resist all sexual desire of my wife outside of intimacy time and if I flow with them only when it's time for intimacy.
  21. Mouxine

    Moving on

    Well if you love other people, there are surely people loving you, and wouldn't they be sad knowing you don't take care enough for yourself ? You could also help a lot more those you love because you took care of yourself properly. If you have children (and unless you consecrate yourself to God, I hope you will), you will have to take care of yourself, because if you don't, it's your children who will suffer from having a mom not ready to take care of them. So it's not only about loving yourself, it's also about loving others too. Love is truly fantastic don't you think ?
  22. You can also use sickness to get closer to God by offering him your pain, just like Jesus offered his pain to his Father. You can improve much faster when you are sick.
  23. Well, there are a few rules to observe during daytime to have a quiet night. Scream as least as possible, punish them lightly and calmly, play with them, do not show them ugly or scary things, avoid any injuries, do not change daily routine or see too much people... Otherwise, to keep the oldest in bed, a book or my presence is enough with a dim light. Day 27 I forgot my keys to clean up our former appartement, so I lost 2 hours in my week in a stupid way. We planted a cherry tree in the garden. It was nice dirtying my hands like this. Day 28 My wife had an essay for her potential work. I had the bad idea to go and pick her up with the children, they were exhausting and it ended up with screaming. My fault, I should have a bit more foresight. Day 29 Ash Wednesday. A day of privation ! Only 1 meal allowed (and a little snack in the morning and the evening). It was bearable until 21P.M, I went to sleep early to put an end to it. Otherwise, my mom came home and did a Sauerkrout for the children... It was not easy to resist that good smell. I also had a video game craving during that day. I fixed our swing in the garden, now the kids can play with it. Day 30 I woke up a 2 A.M because of the little boy. We were hungry with my wife so we started to eat the leftovers of my mom's Sauerkrout. The boy started smiling and ate with us... He went to sleep silently after that. In the morning I went to clean up our former appartement for sale, and I took the keys that time ! The rest of the day was to rest of so much changes to our routine. Day 31 A full day of work for my wife. It was sweet at home, I managed everything, I did enough chores and took time to make class to the oldest. At diner time, my wife came back and was exhausted, so I did everything almost alone, and I was calm. I love routine ! Day 32 A busy day, I had to go to the supermarket with our friend who has a cancer, open and close my father's office for the electrician, go to the park to entertain the children and finish my weekly rosary. About video games : they are not appealing anymore. I wouldn't even know what to play. I take more time to read stories for the children and myself, and that feels great. About social hobbies : I'm really not interested in them yet. I feel I have to many social interactions during the week so I would rather stay alone and enhance my weekly routine. About sport : I made a little during the week, it made me feel good for a few minutes, then after it was terrible trying to manage the kids while being tired... It really doesn't suits me for the moment, I already am aching from the back and the arms because I carry the most little one very often... It's normal at 18 month, they all want to be carried for a long time.
  24. Bad parents are the worse... They give you a tons of trash to clean up when you grow older. Great for the victory over your crush. Love is mutual give, not I take what I want, is it attention or sex, then I'm happy.
  25. I don't take time to write my journal, I'll try to update it tomorrow or monday. For the crying children, well it's natural... Most children don't sleep without waking up sometimes before 6 years. Sometimes they are hungry, then they are scared, then some make nightmare, sometimes they are sick, sometimes they need to pee and or afraid of the dark... With 3 children under 6, it's like the casino : you can win or lose, but you will likely lose ! But you are right, coming in the room screaming is a bad thing to do... I know it, but it's super hard to be gentle when you are awaken almost every night for 4 years in a row... I get more and more patient, but it's far from what I want to be. It's 1 A.M and it's already 3 times they have awaken... Good for my wife, I'm not in bed yet ! Time to switch off !